Chapter 7: Our feelings are conveyed through only the warmth of our touch.
There’s never been a time in my life when I was able to have a clean resolution, and I don’t expect that to change going forward. My surroundings left me with only experiences that had a horrible aftertaste.
Honestly speaking, I was starting to wonder deep down if I could’ve approached things differently, that I might’ve overlooked a simpler way that wouldn’t leave anyone with ill feelings. It’s just that I couldn’t see any value in something that could easily be changed by a few words or a single method.
If things were entirely resolved on a whim or by one insubstantial action, I felt all of the physical pain, mental suffering, and worries could be denied as nothing more than they really were. The pain and worries of the person concerned were by no means as light as strangers would deem them, because there were always only two options between living or dying. Writing them off with a few words just felt too insincere.
If just a few words were enough to change things—no, something that could be reversed only for it be turned back was obviously something you couldn’t take back.
That’s why, this was the only way I could do things, all the while praying that it’s the one I could fall back on while hopelessly hurting all over.
I was well aware of the limits of what I could do. I could do everything I could, but there were still things I wouldn’t be able to reach. That’s why, I decided to do as much as I could.
As arrogant as this was, as long as I was pursuing something genuine that wouldn’t be broken regardless of what happened, if I couldn’t confirm its existence through twisting it, smashing it, and damaging it, then I wouldn’t be able to believe in it at all.
In the first place, there was very little someone of my caliber could do. Abandoning everything I had would ultimately change nothing. I was generally unprepared, never without the means, tools, or hands to move forward. In the present day, the most I could do was barely anything at all. A single mail, a single act of prostration, and a single call were all I could do.
But through those, I was finally able to get my hands on a single clue. It was just one way of approaching things, let alone being anything complicated, but it was better than nothing.
It was the start of a new week on Monday. After receiving our exam results for the day, it was now after school, and I was sitting in class staring at my smartphone. Displayed on its screen was the banner “Sobu High School & Kaihin Sogo High School Prefectural Joint Prom, Open in Spring!” on the event site of the joint prom between our two schools.
The dummy prom that was supposed to outlasted its usefulness was unknowingly brought back to life. Wrong, I was the one who forced it back.
Yesterday, I sent a mail to Kaihin Sogo High School, outright lying to them that they were free to proceed, made my way to the UG Club and begged them with aggressive prostrations to update the site.
Of course, there was nothing substantial to the plan itself. It was just nonsense, a bluff, a decoration. It was same as it was before when it served as a dummy. As such, the process was like it was before, which meant I needed to call Yukinoshita Haruno and have her leak the information of the joint prom.
Our conversation didn’t last very long, but her laughter from over the phone was still ringing in my ears.
“What’s even the point in doing this?” She asked.
Nothing; the joint prom itself had no meaning. That’s why, I answered her with a half-smile.
—I’ll show you what a real prom… what something genuine is really like.
Thinking about it now, it really was an absurd thing to declare. For that reason, she gave me a scornful laugh.
“You’re an idiot. We’ve got an idiot here.”
She snickered which eventually transformed into a guffaw. She hung up the phone on me without any mention of cooperating. I tried calling her back several limes, but she never answered. In the end, I wasn’t sure if she was going to listen to my request. And that’s what led me to this point.
Only God knew what would happen, and when it did, I knew nothing good would come of it. I was poking around in a grove[31] of unknown truths, so what’s left was to wait. The die was cast, a towel was thrown, and now I just needed to cross the Rubicon[32].
And sure enough, the results came within the next couple of days. The school ended as a half-day due to the holiday, and I was in class preparing to head home. Until that person came.
“Hikigaya.” Hiratsuka-sensei called me from the door. She motioned me over with her hand and had a slightly concerned expression.
Upon seeing this, I knew I had won the first of my gambles.
7-2
Hiratsuka-sensei brought me to a room we had visited on a previous day, the reception office. When the door opened, I immediately made eye contact with Yukinoshita’s mother in the seat of honor. She returned a radiant smile.
This situation was exactly like the meeting we had a few days before, except the only difference was the presence of a few others. Sitting beside her mother, Haruno-san waved and winked. Despite her boisterous howling over the phone, she had prepared the stage for me, so I was grateful for that. The last person was Yukinoshita sitting on the sofa near the entrance.
“Hikigaya-kun…”
Her expression was colored with apprehension, presumably having been informed of the circumstances moments earlier. I silently nodded back to her worried gaze. I also took the opportunity to shoot furtive glances around the office, scratch my cheek, and make an unceremonious smile.
“Um, is there a reason why I was called here…?”
Of course, I knew exactly why. Regardless, I did my utmost to play the fool. This was going to be the biggest performance in the life Hikigaya Hachiman.
That being said, Yukinoshita’s mother made a thin but all-knowing smile to my poor acting. In the awkward silence, Haruno-san was unable to hold back her snickering.
“Just take a seat.” Hiratsuka-sensei let out an agitated sigh and tapped my shoulder. Judging by her expression, my cover was completely blown. Well, whatever…
As instructed, I sat next to Yukinoshita and Hiratsuka-sensei sat next to me. After we took our seats, Yukinoshita’s mother on the opposing side maintained her gentle smile and gracefully rummaged through a purse for her smartphone.
“I thought it’d be prudent to come ask for your side of the story on this.” She showed the screen of her phone to me, and on it was the official site of the dummy prom. There was one thing different from before and that was the simplistic site being engraved with the words, “Sobu High School & Kaihin Sogo High School Prefectural Joint Prom, Open This Spring!” in gaudy, primary colors over on cushion seat art.
“This is…” I groaned and feigned surprise while deliberating looking meek and sounding confused.
“This plan looks rather familiar, so I’d like to ask you what this is about.” Yukinoshita’s mother pressed her fingers against her temple and let out a tired exhale. “Many parents were very understanding of the prom that was held the other day, but now, we have this, you see? I thought it’d be best to ask the person in charge to explain how this came about.”
Despite the gentle tone in her voice, it was clearly mixed with bafflement. From her perspective, this plan was nothing more than a dummy for the actual Sobu High School prom. She herself saw through the intentions of it instantly but still went along with my sloppy negotiations and approved of it. She even went as far as to convince and address any concerns from a group of parents in the association. On that point, this dummy plan had long served its purpose. Now suddenly, the plan was going to proceed without her knowledge. I could imagine she felt some sense of betrayal.
She looked at me with disappointment. The only thing I could do was choose my words carefully, and be as earnest as possible in my explanation.
“There must’ve been some kind of mistake… Maybe there was a breakdown in communication?” I feigned as much ignorance as possible.
She giggled. “I see, so it was just a simple mistake. In that case, I ask that you take measures to withdraw and cancel this program as soon as po—”
“Actually, that may be difficult. It’s already been announced to the public, so issuing cancellation will lead to a lot of trouble.” I interrupted her midway and her eyebrow twitched.
“Then, what do you suggest we do?”
I made an insolent smile. “I suppose our only option is to hold it as originally planned, I believe?”
“What in the world are you saying? Stop with your nonsense.”
Before the opposing side could make a retort, my neighbor Yukinoshita reined me in. Then, she faced her mother and assumed a formal attitude.
“If I may, the recent prom was held at our discretion. If it was the cause of any incidents, it should be our responsibility to see that they are addressed.” Her mother agreed, and she continued. “This plan was originally presented to materialize our prom, and nothing more. Fundamentally speaking, we ought to be the ones resolve this. That’s why,” Yukinoshita had a pause of hesitation before averting her gaze. “He has nothing to do with this…”
Her mother attentively listened and nodded after processing her statement. “I see… and can you tell me the measures you plan on taking?”
She was no longer focused on me, but Yukinoshita. The sharp glint in her eyes wasn’t meant for her beloved daughter, but for the person who was responsible for the situation.
“We will hold a conference with Kaihin Sogo High School as soon as possible and issue a cancellation and an apology. If necessary, we are open to holding a press meeting to fully disclose the particulars that led to this situation.”
“Well… that sounds about right. I don’t imagine there’s anything else you can do.”
“Yes. The faster we put out the fire, the better.”
In hearing the proposal from the person in charge, and not her daughter, her mother made a convincing nod. Hiratsuka-sensei similarly agreed with no objections. Afterwards, relief visited Yukinoshita’s expression.
The situation was on the verge of being resolved and the atmosphere grew lax. I took that opportunity to curve the corners of my mouth up. “Uhh, I’m not sure they’ll be so accommodating.”
“Huh?”
Everyone made a face that found my declaration incomprehensible, but I laughed it off. Sorry, but I wasn’t going to let this end just like that.
“It’d be unreasonable if we told them we wouldn’t cooperate with them because we managed to hold a prom on our own.”
“We just need to explain the situation to them.”
My casual remark was immediately cut down by her indignation, but I returned it back with my own cut. “Do you really think Tamanawa and his friends will accept that? If we told them we can’t do it, they’ll just want to think of a solution together, you know?”
“That might be true, but…”
Yukinoshita was at a loss for words. Considering the experience she went through during the Christmas joint event, she was fully aware of the difficulty in persuading Tamanawa and his student council at Kaihin Sogo High School. I knew you’d pull through with your overwhelming powers of persuasion, Tamanawa-san. Let me take this moment to borrow your authority and press on.
“Moreover, now that the information’s been disclosed, it means they’ve already gone through the process on the school’s side, which also includes the parents association.” I blabbered on as if I was stating common knowledge. But they were lies, of course. Just random nonsense. Tamanawa did nothing of the sort. I wasn’t even sure if he even that thorough of a person in the first place. No, I knew for a fact he wouldn’t have done anything. But I retained that confidence to myself and showed a smile.
“If we decided to object at this point, wouldn’t it be problematic if we got into a dispute with them?”
Based on everything that had happened until now, Yukinoshita’s mother sought to avoid any potential disputes with her supporters. Hayama Hayato once said that school affiliates were a constituency for the local government members, so it’s likely they wanted to avoid any unnecessary conflict with other schools. If I made it so that the involved parties weren’t just limited to our school, they wouldn’t be able to shut down this plan on their own terms.
Yukinoshita’s mother pressed her fan against her mouth and took a moment to contemplate. Meanwhile, her eyes were vigilantly focused on me. Eventually, she folded her fan to tap her shoulder and made an exhausted expression. Then, she spoke up.
“Unfortunately, that won’t slide… If, for argument’s sake, the other school approves of this plan, there are still problems on our end that need to be resolved. Have you forgotten why the prom was rejected in the first place?”
Her wording made it clear she had seen through my lies. On top of that, she identified the fundamental problems with my plan and wouldn’t even allow me to move the goalposts. She truly was someone that shouldn’t be challenged in negotiation and debate.
“You were close, but not quite.”
She stated outright, as if to make the finishing move, and I could only smile back bitterly. Yukinoshita moved closer to my ear and whispered, “You should know by now that isn’t enough to convince my mother.”
“I figured…” I answered with a thin voice. Honestly speaking, I wasn’t expecting this level of debate to be enough to convince her. I was well aware of her superiority. But that was just something I needed to factor in as I directed the conversation.
“I do believe we can put the concerns of the parents to rest this time.” I straightened my hunched back and proclaimed. I could feel the attention gather on me because of my bold attitude. I met their gazes with a faint smile and raised the corners of my mouth. “If we just showed them that the students ‘tried but failed,’ then even the students will give up. At that point, no one will want to talk about holding a prom ever again. That’s the kind of development some of the parents want to see, right? If you leave it to me, I’ll make sure this plan fails spectacularly.”
Everyone was taken aback upon hearing my audacious boasting.
“What good will making it fail even do…?”
“Hikigaya…”
Yukinoshita placed her hand on her temple as if to ease a headache. Hiratsuka-sensei let out a heavy sigh, and Haruno-san managed to hold in her laughter.
“I thought you were a smarter boy than this.” Yukinoshita’s mother sighed with astonishment. Her eyes indicated her disappointment. “Your terms aren’t worth considering. You’ve proposed nothing but risks and no return.”
“I suppose, but I wasn’t ever trying to negotiate with the parents association in the first place. I was only expounding on my intentions to move forward with my plan.” I courteously stated with an ironic smile.
She frowned. “I see, regardless of what I say, you still plan on going ahead with this.”
Her intimidating glare and her cold voice sent chills down my spine, but I still nodded. This was the attitude that I needed to convey. This was not a negotiation, but simply an explanation of the circumstances and a declaration of my intent to throw her off. Both parties were aware that this exchange was meaningless.
My playable cards were now gone. The trump cards that could potentially have an unconditional effect against Yukinoshita’s mother were all used up. Therefore, I no longer had the means to carry the conversation in a favorable direction with her. But if I didn’t have any cards to deal, then I just needed to get more. That’s the kind of cheating I was doing.
In our exchange from the other day, I, Hikigaya Hachiman, was nothing more than a scam artist in her eyes. It’s highly likely that she only saw me as someone who could provide some semblance of entertainment in discussion, debate, and games. While wishfully thinking that was the case, I decided to bet on the possibility.
If, by chance, I was someone she couldn’t completely write off, then she would contemplate Hikigaya Hachiman’s attempt to carry out a joint prom event that had slim chances of success and his insistence on his cheap facade.
“I just don’t understand why you’re doing this.”
Yukinoshita’s mother placed her fan to her mouth and rubbed her temple while groaning in thought. As out of place this thought was, I couldn’t help but find her actions adorable. Both the mother and daughters were just so similar in their gestures, manner of speech, and other small details. While I was dazzled at the sight, I was poked from the side by an elbow. I looked to my neighbor with the corner of my eye to see Yukinoshita was weakly biting her lips and her brow wrinkling.
“What are you trying to do…?”
“What do you mean?”
When I feigned ignorance, Yukinoshita intensified her glare. I looked away from her menacing eyes to see her her mother ahead with a pleasant smile on her beautiful and slender countenance. She displayed an innocence that a child had when solving a puzzle.
“Am I right to assume this was all planned by you?”
“Of course not. This was nothing more than human error, an accidental mistake.” I shrugged.
“Are you sure you don’t mean intentional?” Haruno-san chuckled. When she made the frigid retort, everyone displayed their agreement.
At this point, playing dumb any longer would only backfire. Our exchanges thus far were all just to drag the person of interest into the ring of negotiations. In other words, this was the game-defining moment.
“Regardless of how this situation came about, I believe there’s meaning in having our school participate in this joint event. There were some individuals who weren’t very satisfied with our last prom, after all… Isn’t that right?”
I formed a sarcastic smile with the raise of one cheek and directed it at Yukinoshita Haruno. She blinked her eyes in response to my question, but her lips immediately twisted at the corners into a smile. However, that’s all she did.
Her reasons aside, the only one who expressed discontent with our school’s prom was Yukinoshita Haruno. She was the only way to break out of this situation. I had been dancing to your tune up until now, but at least for this last time, you’re going to be dancing to mine.
When it became obvious we were exchanging gazes, her mother followed and looked at Haruno-san. “Was there something you weren’t satisfied with?”
“Not really?” Haruno-san played innocent and shrugged. “There’s nothing in particular. Yukino-chan seemed satisfied with it as you apparently are. There isn’t really much for me to say at this point, right?”
Her mother made a puzzled look at her question, and her reaction caused Yukinoshita to sigh. She maintained her peaceful smile without confirming or denying Haruno-san’s claim. But choosing not to deny it was an answer in itself. Yukinoshita seemed to have taken it in stride and wasn’t shocked. She already knew what her mother’s answer was without needing her to verbalize it.
The sudden silence weighed down the room like heavy tar, but in this situation, my voice traveled well.
“I wasn’t satisfied with it, either.”
Everyone focused their attention on me. Yukinoshita’s mother narrowed her eyes with interest, Haruno-san grinned, and Hiratsuka-sensei nodded with an attentive look. Only Yukinoshita Yukino’s eyes were cast to the floor. Her mother gave her a concerning glance before looking at me.
“May I ask why?”
“I mean, no matter how you look at it, my plan’s clearly the better one. It’s only natural for me to feel this way if I think about what could’ve happened if mine had gone through instead, right?” I commented in jest.
Light breaths overlapped, and a painful silence visited the room. It wasn’t anything like the passing of an angel. It was more like the silence of many angels passing through all of Doctor Zaizen’s hospital rounds[33].
I received silent protests from Hiratsuka-sensei’s thrusts from the right and a firm pinch of my thigh from the left. I writhed from the pain and turned away to see Haruno-san’s shoulder trembling. The only one with a serious expression was Yukinoshita’s mother who was in thought.
“In other words… you’re doing this for selfish reasons?”
“That’s what it boils down,” I said with a wry smile.
Still unconvinced, she tilted her head. Her eyes probed me for my intentions. “But this plan doesn’t seem feasible at this point in time. That should be clear to you at least…”
Her voice was very distinctly confused. It was an obvious concern to have for her. But for me—or for her—it was very self-evident.
“Even if it doesn’t turn out well, I want a clear answer. If we can’t resolve this now, it’ll haunt me forever,” I said with a deplorable smile.
Haruno-san broke out in laughter. “You’re an idiot. We have an idiot here… You’re going to hold a prom just for that? You’re an idiot, aren’t you?”
That was obvious, and I knew I was being a real idiot. Even I laughed.
“As you can see, it’s an extremely selfish reason, so I’m not expecting anyone’s understanding or sympathy.”
However, this was my only answer, the only one I could offer to Yukinoshita Haruno.
She retracted her laugh, put a finger to her mouth, and slowly stroked her glossy lips. Her gaze at me was inorganic and contained absolutely no warmth. I was assaulted by goosebumps as if my nerves were dragged through shaved ice. I forcibly suppressed the chills and opened my mouth.
“Fortunately, the student council wasn’t named in this, so this can be purely considered as community ser—”
“It’s not that simple.” Haruno-san interrupted. She tapped the table with her finger and scoffed. Then, she continued. “You do realize we’re the ones that nullified this plan and gagged the noisy parents, right? If this plan goes through, it’s obvious we’ll be on the receiving end of their complaints.”
Yukinoshita’s mother agreed to her statement. The truth of the matter was that the joint prom was associated with nothing but risks. Yukinoshita’s mother was dispatched to raise objections to the Sobu High School prom. In reality, she was there to represent a part of the parents association, but could also be seen as an important collaborator who took the role of mediator for us. Should we decide to proceed with the joint prom that ignored the will of the Yukinoshita household, it was the same as dragging their name through the mud.
Haruno-san continued further with a criticizing tone. “This is already our problem. Even the prom was something Yukino-chan decided to do, right? Our mother also expressed her approval.” She glanced at Yukinoshita, and then examined my face with dark eyes. “Hikigaya-kun, are you going to deny all of that? Do you understand what it means to stick your nose into our business?”
“That—” Yukinoshita opened her mouth to answer, and I was confident she’d say I had nothing to do with it. But I had no intention of letting her continue. I let out a weary sigh to interrupt her and nodded my head multiple times.
“I do.”
I understood just how absurd it was to actually say it. I knew for a long time now. It was something I had been asked numerous times in the past. I was extremely aware of what it implied.
It’s why every time I was posed the question, I would run away from answering it, or just sidestep it and sometimes fool myself. But Haruno-san wouldn’t tolerate an ambiguous answer and continued to hound, rebuke, and denounce me. Now that the situation had escalated to this point, the Yukinoshita Haruno I knew would undoubtedly pose me the question again, the question I had been waiting for this entire time.
I really couldn’t believe I had to say something like this at this place in front of all of these people. I really wanted to tear my head off and my chest out from the embarrassment. But this was the only card I could prepare.
“If there’s any responsibility I can take, well, I plan on taking it.”
As eager as I was in saying it, all I could do was muster a pathetic mumble. I couldn’t handle having my face being stared at, so I looked down. And there, I could hear a chuckle.
“Oh… you really are an idiot.”
Her voice was so surprisingly gentle that I jerked up my face. While her eyes were tinged with an extreme sadness, her mouth formed a soft smile.
“You ought to be more brazen and confident when you say things like that.”
Yukinoshita’s mother opened her fan and hid her mouth behind it. But I could tell she was smiling behind it based on her gaze. But it was by no means one with warmth, but with curiosity and inquisitiveness. It was similar to the characteristic eyes of a feline directed at a toy mouse.
I moved in my seat to escape her gaze and Hiratsuka-sensei interjected. “If this is considered community service, then there’s very little the school can do. Of course, we will advise them where appropriate, but we will not provide any direct guidance.”
“Yes, that’s only natural.” Yukinoshita’s mother nodded unanimously to her proposal. Then, her eyes shifted to me. “That being said, even if this is just community service, I find it difficult to agree to something that’s likely to fail… Do you really believe you can do it?”
“I won’t know unless I give it a try.” I shrugged, but her eyes wouldn’t move elsewhere until I gave her a tangible answer.
I knew better than anyone here that making this plan work was far from realistic. Unable to find the words to get out of this situation, a shallow sign came from my neighbor.
“You don’t even need to bother. Our budget has nearly been used up, and as long as this isn’t considered a student council event, we won’t be able to leverage it in the first place. There’s absolutely no time left, and since the event’s bigger in scale, the pending problem of providing an ethical environment is something we won’t be able to manage. It’s impossible.”
My conclusion for the current status of the plan was voiced by Yukinoshita. Her frigid profile was diluted with resignation. Her mother made a convincing nod while sending me a provocative question.
“And, there you have it?”
“Well, it’s impossible for me,” I answered honestly, and she nodded in agreement. Her reaction did kind of hit a nerve, but well, it’s the truth. As I sat there at a loss of words, she watched me with pleasure. It was almost as if she was asking me what my next move was.
In response to her quizzical smile that waited for the next answer to compare with, I returned an unpleasant smile. “But luckily for me, I do know someone who has experience with managing a prom. That person is your daughter.”
“Wha—huh? Wait…”
In light of my unexpected answer, Yukinoshita lifted her waist slightly and gripped my shoulder. I held that back with my hand and I locked my gaze ahead.
“Or do you doubt your daughter’s qualifications? Was there something not to your liking in the previous prom?” I asked with a mix of politeness and rudeness.
Yukinoshita’s mother made a wry smile. “Regardless of my answer, it doesn’t seem like you will budge from your conclusion.”
Bingo. If she had no doubts, I would’ve interpreted that as permission to proceed. Otherwise, all I needed to do was ask her to go into detail of what they were.
My conclusion from the beginning had never changed. I had zero intentions of negotiating with Yukinoshita’s mother or Yukinoshita Haruno and was merely leading the conversation to create this situation.
Presumably aware of that, Yukinoshita’s mother closed her fan and smiled. “Thank you for your explanation. If this is just community service and does not involve the use of the student council’s budget, as representative of the parents association, we do not have much say in the matter.”
Haruno-san laughed and added. “Right, as a representative, but what about your position as a mother?”
“What about it…?” she placed her hand to her cheek with a troubled look and let out a heavy sigh. “Yukino, if you truly wish to pursue your father’s work, you need to study in a more appropriate environment, and you need engage in things that will give you hands-on experience. While it’s true any experience is good for you, there is absolutely no merit in involving yourself with something that will fail.”
As she enumerated in her cold tone, Yukinoshita’s shoulders slowly sank. Because her words were reasonable, there wasn’t much room for debate.
“As your mother, I’m against this.”
She wrapped up the conversation on a concise note. Unable to voice an objection, Yukinoshita closed her eyes and hung her head. As if to add another blow to her vulnerable state, she added to her words.
“That’s why, Yukino, you need to decide… you’re the one responsible, are you not?”
Her question had a harsh tone of criticism. When Yukinoshita raised her head, she was met with her mother’s challenging gaze. She was at a loss and her voice was lodged in her throat, However, she immediately shook her head and hardened her expression.
“You don’t need to ask me, because the answer’s obvious.”
That’s it. Yukinoshita Yukino already had her answer and thought everything was over. No matter who posed her the question, I was confident that answer would leave her mouth. That’s why, the plan to address that had only ever been one from the start.
The one card I needed to prepare was just this single trump card. My target of negotiations had always been one individual from the beginning.
That person was Yukinoshita Yukino.
“Yukinoshita…” I called her name, and she flinched.
I racked my head over all of the words that I needed to say. But none of them were correct. They were all wrong. That’s why, I chose to say the ones that were the worst of them all.
“I’ll be honest, I don’t have any confidence we can make this plan work. We’re lacking in pretty much everything, like time and money, and only annoying problems keep increasing. Frankly, there’s a lot of issues to deal with. I can’t guarantee there won’t be any big problems, either. I’ll say this again, but this is all because of my selfish and personal reasons. You don’t need to help if you don’t want to. I think it’s a pretty difficult case, so you don’t need to force yourself.”
My audacity was met with snickers from my surroundings. Heck, even I made a bitter chuckle at what I was saying.
But this was how things ought to be for Hikigaya Hachiman and Yukinoshita Yukino.
Clueless of what to do, her eyebrows curved down in dejection. Yukinoshita had a tearful face and looked down
“That’s some cheap provocation…”
Her voice was brittle enough to fade away and sounded as if she was sulking or venting. Well, it didn’t matter, because I was only here to hear her voice.
“Yeah, sorry, but play along with me. I’m asking you knowing how impossible this is, but please, help me.”
I shook my shoulders quietly and let out a moist breath. After letting out a deep breath, Yukinoshita looked up.
“Fine, I will. I hate losing, after all.” She proclaimed with a dignified voice, smiled, and wiped the corners of her eyes. The faint smile she’d make when the situation was hopeless was something I hadn’t seen for a long time. After retracting her smile, she turned to her mother and sister. “I will assume full responsibility for this plan.”
“I see…”
Her resolute words were met with her mother’s gentle smile and nod. Then, she calmly shut her eyes. Upon opening them, her expression and her voice made a complete transformation. Her chilly eyes were imbued with a pressure meant to intimidate her opponent. I winced at the sight, but Yukinoshita and Haruno-san didn’t budge.
“Yukino… I’ve said everything I needed to as your mother. But if you still insist on partaking in this endeavor, ensure that you see it through to the end.”
“That goes without saying.”
Yukinoshita flicked the hair at her shoulder away with a daunting and audacious smile. Seeing her this way reminded me of Haruno-san during her frightening moments.
7-3
Some time had passed since the discussion in the reception office. We had a brief meeting of our plans going forward, and by the time we had finished, the sun was already setting. The extreme pressure and fatigue left me staggering to the bicycle parking area from the school building. Even so, I managed to push my bike to the front gates of the school. Just before I was about to pass the gates, I spotted Yukinoshita trudging along slightly ahead.
She was slowly walking with a heavy gait while hesitantly pacing back and forth as she fiddled with her coat and scarf. It was quite the contrast to her normally gallant conduct. It’s no wonder I was eventually able to catch up with her even with my bike in tow.
I would’ve felt guilty if I had just passed her as is, but on the other hand, I wasn’t comfortable with just greeting her and leaving, either. I really couldn’t find the right words to say, but more importantly, I didn’t want it to end on that simple of a note. For the time being, I decided to wait for my opportunity while thinking of ways to engage her.
I slowly pushed my bike beside Yukinoshita as she trudged along. She glanced at me with a short moment of surprise but immediately cast down her eyes. Then, she picked up her pace. I matched her pace so I could chase after her.
Our scraping loafers and the rolling of my bike’s tires followed an ebb and flow but ultimately retained the same rhythm throughout. We continued in that fashion without exchanging a single word for a while. Perhaps, we were both being stubborn, refusing to be the one to speak up since we had been so silent the entire time in such close proximity. But overall, it was simply just a matter of it being too awkward for the either of us.
We passed by numerous bus stops and street corners but ignored them. We didn’t pay any attention to the people walking by and merely continued along the street.
In any case, I was the one who requested for help with my annoying problems, so it’s only fair that I started the conversation. With that in mind, I decided I would talk to her after we passed the underside of the Keiyou Line tracks.
We took one step and then two steps. Before long, the train zoomed by overhead. In that moment, it felt like the entire city became dead silent. I took a deep breath and called out to Yukinoshita who was a half-step ahead.
“Sorry for getting you involved.” I squeezed out my harmless words.
“There wasn’t anything else we could’ve done,” Yukinoshita answered in a low tone without turning. “I couldn’t have possibly refused in that situation. What’s wrong with you? I don’t understand you at all.” Both the tempo of her voice and pace grew faster as she voiced her complaints. “What you did was essentially what new religious movements or door-to-door sellers would do.”
“That’s an overstatement. While I did instigate the situation with some facts and lies, I didn’t offer an actual solution. I mean, I ended up asking for help at the end, didn’t I?”
“That’s beyond just a simple scam because you’re offering no aid… That’s even worse.”
Embedding fear through the use of fabricated risks and offering measures against them were perfect examples of a scam. The big difference here was that I didn’t provide anything resembling the latter. In that respect, it was indeed worse than a scam, which made made mine even more dastardly.
She let out a heavy sigh. “It was terrifying seeing my family be deceived like that.”
“I don’t think they were… if they were that easy to fool, I wouldn’t have bothered with such an absurd lie in the first place. I was more frightened by the fact that they played along.” I let a hearty sigh escape from my mouth.
Both Yukinoshita’s mother and Haruno-san didn’t put any stock into anything I said. The joint prom itself was denied in its entirety. They were likely just entertaining my sloppy bargaining tactics, but even so, the risks associated with my plan were something they didn’t need to even consider.
Yukinoshita knew this. Still a half-step ahead, she adjusted her school bag around her shoulder and muttered. “That’s true… My mother and sister aren’t foolish enough to fall for something that obvious.”
“Right? They were super scary at the end, too. Seriously, what are they even thinking?”
“Who knows? There’s no way I’d know.” she looked away with a pout and briskly moved ahead.
The street we walked along stretched all the way from the coast to the national highway. If I turned left here, I could make it to the street that led to my home. But as we were walking together, I missed the opportunity to part ways with her.
…No, that wasn’t it. I had many opportunities to leave, but I chose to ignore them all.
When we approached the overhead bridge to cross the highway, I made determined strides and pushed my bike along without wavering. Yukinoshita climbed the steps without looking back, and I followed her. However, I still fell behind because I was pushing the bike up the slope of the steps. She gradually grew farther and farther with one step, and then two steps, before finally reaching the top. I mustered the strength in my legs and forced my bike up to see her waiting. When she looked at me, I met her eyes with appreciation, and she shook her head. However, it was brief moment of eye contact, before she continued walking forward.
I hastened my legs to avoid falling behind and was finally able to walk alongside her. The half-step distance that separated us earlier and the distance of two whole steps that grew between us on the steps were now gone. Once the sounds of our footsteps overlapped, she continued the conversation from earlier. “My mother looked at me just like she would my sister…”
“Does that mean she acknowledged you?”
“She might’ve given up on me.” She shrugged and let out a self-deprecated chuckle. “It didn’t seem like she saw me in a favorable light with the last prom, and now, we’re trying to hold a prom that’s even riskier. It’s only natural she’d be disappointed.”
Her tone sounded she was the one disappointed in herself. Unsure of how to respond, my legs grew heavy for an instant, and she used that opening to pull a few steps ahead.
“Sorry, I know I shouldn’t be intruding on your family affairs or your future. I ended up just causing you more problems… I’ll make sure to take responsibility for that.”
I sped up my pace while meticulously choosing the words I needed to say.
“You don’t need to do that. There’s no reason for you to take responsibility for my choices. There are other things you should be doing.” Before I could catch up to her, her words reached me first. She dulled her pace, and then after a hesitant breath, she whispered, “Why did you say something so unreasonable?”
I wasn’t able to make out her expression because she was looking down, but her fading voice contained a timbre of sadness.
Just how should I answer her?
I stopped in place. I had a minuscule amount of time, just the time it would take for just two cars to pass by underneath the bridge and the time it would take for her to advance three steps ahead. It wasn’t the time for me to think, but for me to prepare myself.
“That… was only the way for me to get involved with you.”
“What?” Yukinoshita stopped her legs and quickly turned to me. Her expression was full of surprise, and it looked like she was going to say she didn’t understand from her half-open mouth.
“If the club’s gone, there won’t be anything to tie us together anymore. I couldn’t think of another excuse that could drag you back into it.”
“Why would you…”
The distant lights of approaching cars enveloped the overpass bridge and illuminated her face. The faint glow highlighted the astonishment on her expression as she stood shock still, lightly biting her lips.
“What about our promise? I told you to grant her wish, didn’t I?”
Her reproachful voice trembled, and her gaze dropped to the floor in regret.
I knew she would say that. I knew she would make that face. But even so, I decided to let my selfishness take over and not look back on those who I caused trouble for.
“This isn’t completely unrelated to that.” She gave me a confused look and questioned me with the tilt of her head. The orange glow of the overpass lights resembled the shade of the evening glow and strained my eyes. I closed my eyes and continued. “She told me she wanted you be there after school, the place where there’s nothing.”
When I told Yukinoshita her words, she lost her voice. She averted her face as if to hide her eyes that misted over.
“We can still do that without you needing to go through all this trouble.”
“I can’t. Whether it’s as acquaintances, friends, or classmates, however you want to call it, I don’t have the confidence I can continue that kind of relationship.”
“That might be true for you, but… I can. I know I’ll be able to do it well eventually… that’s why, I’ll be fine,” she said, and she began walking as if to end the conversation, as if to shake off the past. In seeing her put up a tough front, the heartwarming sight had my lips curving into a sarcastic smile.
“I’m not exactly in the position to be saying this, but our communication skills are incredibly bad, and we’re too complicated for our own good. On top of that, we absolutely suck at socializing. I don’t think I’ll ever actually get good at it. In fact, if we’re distant already, I’m absolutely sure I’ll become even more distant. That’s why…”
I was a few steps behind her. As her back began to grow farther away, I reached out with my hand, only to hesitate. If I wanted to keep talking, I knew I could’ve just stopped her with my voice. It wouldn’t have been hard to continue our discussion while walking. In the first place, if I didn’t have any a good enough reason, there’s no way I could touch her hand.
But… I did have a reason. A single reason that I wouldn’t compromise on.
“If I let go of you now, I’ll never be able to get you back.”
I stated as if I was persuading myself—no, I stated in order to persuade myself, and I reached out to her with my hand. I looked awful because my other hand was pushing my bike, and my hand itself was sweaty. I wasn’t even sure how strong my grip was supposed to be. But even so, I grabbed the cuffs of her sleeve. Her wrist was surprisingly slender, enough to fit right into the palm of my hand.
“…”
She flinched and stopped in her tracks. Her face was stunned as she alternated looks between her hand and my face.
I kicked the kickstand of my bike and skillfully put it down with my available hand. I didn’t want to let go of her, because I was afraid she might’ve run away like a cat unfamiliar with people.
“What I’m about to say is so embarrassing that I want to just drop dead right now, but…” I said, but only a loud sigh came out.
She twisted out of discomfort as a form of resistance in hopes of using that moment to break free from my grip. She was like a cat who didn’t like touching water with its paws, and as much as I would’ve loved to let her go, I wanted to hold onto her until our conversation was over.
“When I said I’d take responsibility, that wasn’t enough. I’m not doing this out of obligation or anything. Basically, I want to take responsibility… or I want you to let me take responsibility…”
My self-hatred just kept growing the more I spoke, and it started to loosen my grip. I couldn’t help but feel disgusted with myself for letting those words come out of my mouth. My hand slowly released its grip on her wrist and weakly flopped.
However, she didn’t run and stayed put. She smoothed out her cuffs with her hand while weakly squeezing the area that I held. Her eyes didn’t meet mine, but she seemed willing to listen. Relieved, I slowly opened my mouth.
“I know you might not want this, but… I want to stay connected with you. Not because I have to, but because I want to… That’s why, give me the right to mess up your life.”
My mouth was on the verge of closing after every word, but even so, I took forceful breaths, and exhaled numerous times, ensuring that I didn’t make a mistake in anything I said. Eventually, I was able to finish. Meanwhile, she attentively listened while only staring at her gripped cuffs.
“Mess up…? What exactly do you mean by that?”
After answering me unexpectedly, she sent me an inquisitive look. As if to make up for the long silence prior, words poured from my mouth.
“I don’t really have anything that can change your life. I’m sure we could live a decent after we graduate like normal and begrudgingly find a job. But if we get involved with each other, we’ll probably make all kinds of detours and stops… so, our lives will get a little messy.”
In response to my nonsensical rant, she finally displayed a smile, though it seemed a tad lonely. “My life’s already a mess if that’s what you mean…”
“I feel the same way. We met, we talked, we learned about each other, and we grew apart… but every time, I think my life got messier.”
“Well, you’ve been a mess since the beginning… not that I’m any different.”
Her words prodded at the situation and also at us, and we both made a faint smile.
I was someone who was too twisted, and she was someone who was too honest. To other people, we appeared to have a warped shape. They were just so different they were incompatible, but with respect to what warped them, they were likely the same. Every time those warped parts clashed, our shapes would gradually change, eventually to the point that they couldn’t be undone.
“Things will get a lot messier from now on. But the messier your life becomes, the more I’ll offer in exchange.”
I knew what I said had no value whatsoever.
“Well, I barely have any assets, so the only things I can really give you are vague things like my time, feelings, future, or life.”
I understood that such a promise had no meaning, either.
“My life hasn’t exactly been the greatest so far, and I don’t think my prospects are all that great in the future, but… if I’m going to get involved with someone’s life, then it’s only fair that I offer what I can.”
But even so, as if using a chisel, I scraped out the words I needed to tell her. Even if I knew they wouldn’t convey anything to her, I still had to tell her.
“I’ll give you everything, so let me be a part of your life.”
Her mouth was slightly open, as if she was going to say something, but then she swallowed it down with her breath. She glared at me and forced out words, that I knew were different from what she had wanted to say, with a trembling voice.
“There’s no way that will ever be balanced. My future and the direction of my life don’t have that kind of value… But for you, there’s a much more…”
Her eyes sank to the floor, and her words trailed off. But in that instant, I let my usual sarcasm lift up one of my cheeks and twisted the corner of my lips into a smile with as much arrogance and pride as possible.
“That’s a relief. Because as it turns out, my life doesn’t have much value right now, either. My stock’s so unpopular that its price is already the lowest it can go. If anything, it’s on a bargain sale, and if you get in on it now, I can guarantee a return on your investment.”
“That’s just like a scam. Your presentation is terrible.”
We smiled at each other with tearful expressions. She took one step closer to softly hit my collar, and glared up at me with tears welling up in the corner of her eyes. “Why can you only ever say dumb, rubbish things like that? Isn’t there something else you should be telling me?”
“Because I can’t… There’s no way I’ll stand for this being summed up in words.”
I made a grimace and let out a laugh with a voice that even I thought was pathetic.
Just a few words weren’t enough, that’s why. Even if I went through all of my actual thoughts, pretenses, jokes, and stock phrases, I had no confidence I’d be able to convey everything.
It’s not that simple of an emotion. It may contain the emotion that could be conveyed with a few words, but if I stuffed that emotion into a single framework, it would be nothing more than a lie. I had gone through so many words, came up with all kinds of crazy logic, put all of my reasons, environments, and situations together, threw out my excuses, removed any obstacles and closed off all of my escape routes to finally make it to where I was now.
There’s no way to understand them all with these words. It’s fine if they weren’t understood. It didn’t matter if they didn’t convey anything. I wanted to just say them, and nothing more.
She looked at my pathetic smile and reluctantly opened her mouth.
“I think I’m a very difficult person.”
“I know.”
“I’ve done nothing but cause you trouble.”
“A little too late for that.”
“I’m stubborn and not endearing at all.”
“Well, yeah.”
“You’re supposed to deny that.”
“Don’t ask for the impossible.”
“I get the feeling I’ll just rely on you all the time and become more and more hopeless.”
“That just means I need to be more hopeless than you… If everyone’s hopeless, then no one’s hopeless.”
“And then—”
“It’s fine.” I interrupted her as she tried to find her words. “No matter how much of a hassle or nuisance you are, it’s fine. I might actually like it that way.”
“What…? That doesn’t make me happy at all.” She hit my collar again, still looking down.
“Ouch…” I replied as a matter of courtesy even though it didn’t hurt at all.
She then pouted her lips and asked, “You have more than that, right?”
“Sometimes, I honestly have no idea what your deal is, because you’re too complicated. There are times where you get on my nerves, but I think those are all things I don’t have much control over, since I’m pretty much the same… I’m sure I’ll be complaining along the way, but I think we can make things work.”
She wordlessly hit me again right as I finished, and I happily received it. Then, I slowly took her slender hand.
I really wish there had been another way to do this. But for me, this was the only way.
If only there were much easier words I could’ve used to convey everything to her.
If only this emotion was much simpler.
If this was just a simple case of love and affection, I’m sure I would never yearn this much for her. I’m sure I would never have to feel I’d lose her forever if I let her go.
“I don’t think I’ll have enough to make up for the mess I make in your life, but well, I’ll give you everything. If you don’t need them, you can throw them away. If they’re annoying, forget about them. I’m going to give you everything regardless, so you don’t need to answer me.”
“No, let me say it.”
She sniffed and nodded. Then, she pressed her forehead against my shoulder.
“Please give me your life.”
“That’s pretty heavy…”
The words slipped out of my mouth, and she bumped her forehead against my shoulder in disapproval.
“I don’t know any other way to say it, so what am I supposed to do…?”
She bunted her forehead like a cat and gripped my collar like a play-biting kitten.
Our feelings that couldn’t be described no matter how hard we tried were, without a doubt, conveyed through the warmth of our touch.
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