6
Finally, his and her beginning ends.
I arrived in the clubroom and glanced at the evening sun slowly setting into Tokyo Bay outside the window. On the eastern side, the curtains of night were falling in a wash of pale indigo over the sky.
“What do we do now…? I even went to the trouble of baking a cake,” Yukinoshita commented with a sigh. She’d noticed the color of the sky, just like me. It was indeed nearly time to go home. The bell would probably ring right as we cut the cake.
Yuigahama tilted her head, confused. “A cake? Why a cake?”
“What do you mean, ‘why’? Oh, I haven’t told you yet, have I? I asked you to come here because I wanted to wish you a happy birthday, Yuigahama,” replied Yukinoshita.
“Huh?”
“You haven’t been coming to the club lately…and, um…I wanted to encourage you to put in the appropriate effort to show up. Also, uh…I suppose you could call this a symbol of my gratitude.” Yukinoshita cleared her throat quietly with a little he-hem, as if to draw attention away from her shyness.
Before she had even finished speaking, Yuigahama glomped her. “…You remembered my birthday, Yukinon!”
Uh, she didn’t remember it. She just guessed it from your e-mail address, you know.
Still, uninterested in how it had come about, Yuigahama tearfully basked in her lingering joy.
“Regardless, it doesn’t look like we can do this today,” said Yukinoshita. I guess she felt smothered after all, as she attempted to peel Yuigahama off her as she spoke. Yuigahama resisted a little, then clapped her hands as if she had an idea. Yukinoshita took advantage of the distraction and smoothly slipped free.
“Okay, then let’s go somewhere. Like…out,” suggested Yuigahama.
“Huh? But we can’t just…” Yukinoshita floundered in the face of such a sudden proposal.
But Yuigahama rolled right over her objections and insisted, “Come on, come on!” with a wink that said, Leave it to me! “I’ll make the reservation and everything, so don’t worry about it! It’s fine! I’m already superhappy you got a cake for me.”
“There’s more than just a cake, though…”
“N-no way, you got me a present, too?!” Yuigahama’s eyes sparkled at Yukinoshita. Heedless of the fact that she had peeled her off just moments earlier, Yuigahama again closed the gap between them.
Wary of another glomping, Yukinoshita replied, “Yes, well…I’m not the only one, though,” she said, implicating me with a glance.
“Huh? You mean…” Yuigahama deciphered the other girl’s meaning and gave a vague, awkward smile. “Ah…ah-ha-ha. I totally didn’t expect you to get me a present, Hikki. Since, um, like…recently…things have been a bit…weird.” Yuigahama’s eyes met mine, and we both immediately broke the contact.
When Yukinoshita was with us, I could overcome the weird unpleasantness by pretending not to notice it. But Yukinoshita had deliberately dragged me into the conversation this time, and I figured that was a message to acknowledge that something happened and get my ass in gear to resolve it. Considering how insensitive she typically was, she’d sure chosen an odd time to butt in.
I pulled a small package out of my bag and casually passed it straight to Yuigahama. “…It’s not necessarily for your birthday, though.”
“Huh?”
I was drowning in an atmosphere that made it extraordinarily hard to speak, but I forced my mouth to move as properly as I was able, even as I felt in danger of stuttering. “I’ve been thinking a little. I guess…let’s call it even with this, you know? Me saving your dog and you trying so hard to be nice to me. Let’s wipe the slate,” I said, forging ahead without waiting for her response. “I mean, there’s no reason to force yourself to go out of your way for me. The person who hit me paid for my hospital bills with insurance and came with the lawyer to apologize, or so I heard. So there’s no reason for you to pity me or worry about my feelings.” With every phrase that left my mouth, I felt an unpleasant pressure around my heart as if something were squeezing it. Nevertheless, I’d never be able to end it if I didn’t say this. “Plus, I didn’t save the dog because it was yours.”
For a brief moment, Yuigahama looked at me with incredible sadness, but she lowered her eyes right away.
“I wasn’t thinking of you as a particular individual who would owe me, so there’s no need for you to repay your debt to me individually, either. But…like…I dunno…I do want to pay you back for how friendly you’ve been to me. Once you subtract this, we’re at zero. We’re even. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. So we’re done with all this,” I finished, and when I released a breath, I felt the load on my chest leaving me along with the exhalation. Now the situation could be resolved, and we could put this behind us—both the awkward misunderstandings and the misguided attempts at self-preservation. Though both of those would probably happen in the future, anyway.
I avoided Yuigahama’s eyes, watching only the tight, hard line of her lips. “…Why do you think of it like that? Like I feel sorry for you, or I’m forcing myself to be considerate? …I’ve never once thought of it that way. I just…” Her voice was trembling, quiet as a whisper. Yukinoshita and I only listened silently. It was all we could do. There was nothing either of us could say. A faint darkness lurked in the corners of the clubroom. Only the tiniest rays of sunlight still slanted in. “Like…it’s so complicated, and I don’t really know anymore… I thought it was a lot simpler than this…” Her tone was a little brighter than it had been, but she was likely forcing that cheery veneer, lending her words no more substance than so much air.
An icy comment cut through the ambiguity. “It’s not that complicated.” Yukinoshita stood with the setting sun at her back. A sea breeze from the open window swished through her hair. “Hikigaya doesn’t remember saving you, Yuigahama, and you don’t remember ever feeling sorry for him. You were both wrong from the start.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” I agreed.
Yukinoshita nodded. “So I think Hikigaya’s proposal to end it would be the correct choice.”
We began in error, so obviously the ensuing events left us in error, too. No matter the emotions involved, that answer didn’t change, I was sure. Even if…if…those feelings were something special. If that sentiment was born due to an arbitrary accident, if it was directed at me because of my sacrifice, or if it would have developed for any altruist who had saved her dog, then I couldn’t accept it as the real thing.
If I had done that favor for her without recognizing her as herself, then she had received it without recognizing me as myself. Thus, her feelings and her benevolence weren’t for me. They were for the person who had helped her. That was why I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea.
I’ve stopped bothering getting my hopes up and watching them die when all of it’s just in my head. I expect nothing from the start, I expect nothing in the middle, and I expect nothing up until the end.
Yuigahama was silent for a while before muttering a few words. “But ending it…? I kinda… I don’t want that.”
“…Don’t be silly,” said Yukinoshita. “If it’s over, then you should just make a new start. Neither of you is at fault.”
“What?” I asked, startled.
Cool and composed, Yukinoshita swept back the hair resting on her shoulders. “Though there is a difference between you two in that one helped and one was helped, you were both equally victimized by the traffic accident, were you not? In which case, the cause of it all was the perpetrator of the accident. That means…” Yukinoshita paused for a moment. During that brief interval, she fixed me, then Yuigahama, with a firm look. “…you two…can make a proper start,” she said, wearing a smile that was both gentle and vaguely sorrowful. I couldn’t distinguish what was in her narrowed eyes in the sunset glow. “I have to go report to Miss Hiratsuka that we’ve recruited the additional member she requested,” Yukinoshita added as if she’d just remembered, then curtly spun on her heel and marched away faster than usual, out the clubroom door without turning back.
Now it was just Yuigahama and me. Yukinoshita had said her piece, so I supposed she had no reason to stay, but this awkward vibe could go straight to hell.
Furtively eyeing me, Yuigahama searched for the right moment before gently, tentatively concluding the conversation. “Um…uh… I-it’s good to be back.” The words needed no follow-up, but for some reason she bobbed her head in a bow.
“Y-yeah…” I had no idea what was so good about it.
Something still didn’t sit right for me. I had a sense that Yukinoshita had wheedled me into this. Sophistry is supposed to be my specialty. I can’t believe she beat me at my own game. I smiled wryly.
Yuigahama poked me in the back. “…Hey, can I open it?”
“Go right ahead.” Now that I’d handed the present over to her, it was in her possession. No need to bother requesting permission to open it.
Yuigahama carefully undid the wrapping paper, and her face lit up. “Wow…” She gasped.
A round silver tag lay in the center of a braid of black leather. It would pair nicely with brown hair. The item was well chosen, if I do say so myself. I got something out of buying so many presents for Komachi over the years. I happen to be an expert on running errands for her.
Yuigahama appeared satisfied with my selection as she gently studied the present. “H-hold on a second,” she said and instantly spun away from me. In less than thirty seconds, she was facing me again and fidgeting with her bangs. “H-how does it look?” She averted her eyes a little bashfully. The black leather adorning her white neck struck a lovely contrast with her brown hair in the radiance of the setting sun. It suited her perfectly.
I really didn’t want to tell her…but at times like these, it was undoubtedly wisest to get it over with. “Uh…that’s a dog collar, though.” Why does it look so good on her?
“Huh?” Yuigahama’s face changed color before my eyes. “Wh-why didn’t you say that earlier?! You jerk!” she yelled, hurling the wrapping paper at me.
Uh, can’t you tell? Well, I guess it is adjustable, so…
“Honestly, geez! I’m gonna go reserve us a place now!” Fuming, Yuigahama removed the collar and stalked toward the exit. But when she opened the door, she halted.
“Thanks. Jerk.” Without a glance behind her, she left me with those two words and slammed the sliding door shut before I could reply.
“Agh…” Alone in the classroom, I let out a deep, deep sigh and looked at the empty space by the window Yukinoshita had occupied earlier. Yuigahama and I had been sitting not two meters from that spot, but for some reason, the distance seemed impassable, as if an invisible line divided the space between us.
Before long, we would learn the facts—the truth that unmistakably separated us from her.
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