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BT

Bonus track! 

The girls will rock you.  

This bonus track is a novelization of the script from the limited special edition My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong, As I Expected, Vol. 7, plus drama CD. The script features an episode set immediately after the main story in Volume 6. Please understand that since this is a rewrite, some parts will differ slightly from the drama CD.

Uchiage: a party to celebrate the completion of an event. People say this word constantly, but it never sounds quite right to me. Why use a word that can also mean things firing in the air or waves crashing out of the ocean? The only places that should be happening so frequently are the beaches in Florida or Tanegashima.

As long as you’re on this earth, anything that rises high will come back down again; it’s the law of nature. Therefore, if you’re going to an uchiage party, your feelings are bound to plunge downward, too.

Once upon a time, the Greek hero Icarus aimed high using bird wings made of hardened wax, with courage as his only companion. But as many are aware, he tragically fell and lost his life in the end.

So aiming for the heights brings only death, and trying to fly without knowing your own limits should be called not courage but foolhardiness. That doesn’t make you a hero. It makes you an idiot.

A true hero reads the room, fears the room, and so does not participate in uchiage.

From this, let us derive a conclusion: The wise and the brave do not fear loneliness, and the feeling that one must join in on something is what ensures they will not go.

I’m not going. When I say I’m not going, it means I’m not… I swear I’m not gonna go, okay?!

The cultural festival, which had felt much longer than it was, finally ended. However, only regular students could really call it over. As a member of the miscellaneous section of the Cultural Festival Committee, I still had a duty to write a report.

But, like, I still don’t really get why it’s me who has to write this thing. Well, that’s work. When your superiors tell you to do it, you just have to do it, no matter what. It’s not about whether you can or can’t. You’re just gonna…

This task seemed to me to be unreasonable, unjustifiable, and unfair, but finally, I could see the end of it. Occasionally, my own excellence scares me. Pen racing along, I reached the conclusion, finished the whole thing off, and took a break.

“…Right, guess that’s it,” I muttered, and Yuigahama’s head jerked up.

“Oh, Hikki, are you done writing the report for the cultural festival?”

“Yeah, basically. I’ll do the rest at home.”

Once Yuigahama had confirmed I was done, her gaze shifted over to Yukinoshita. “What about you, Yukinon? Are you done with your career path form?” she asked.

Yukinoshita’s pen stopped. It seemed she was. “Yes, I just have to submit it now,” she said.

Yuigahama leaped out of her chair and flung both her arms wide. “Okay then, let’s go to the after-party!”

“Not happening.”

“I’d rather not.”

Yukinoshita and I mysteriously synchronized, and then there was a moment of silence as Yuigahama slumped back down into her chair dejectedly. She gave the both of us an anxious, entreating look. “Y-you’re really not going?”

“I just said I’m not. If I did, I’d just ruin the mood,” I said.

With a bright smile, Yukinoshita said, “That’s always the case with you. Perhaps I should use some of the club budget to purchase a mood cleanser.”

“Hey, don’t say stuff like that, even as a joke. It reminds me of that time in middle school when the girls in my class sprayed me with 8x4.” I.e., the deodorant spray. I could never forget that day near the end of spring. It was after gym class, and Suga, who had the seat next to me, slowly— Actually, never mind. This one makes me kinda depressed.

Yuigahama’s sensitivity must have picked up on my signals, as she said with pity in her voice, “Ack, that’s sad…b-but at least it wasn’t Febreze! I often spritz a little when Daddy goes by!”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better, and now I feel sorry for your father… Be a little nicer to the poor guy.” I was supposed to be the object of sympathy here, but now I was feeling sorry for someone else instead. Good grief, the dads of teenage girls have it rough. They say kids don’t understand how their parents feel—and this was a prime example.

Yuigahama stared into space, seemingly lost in thought as she muttered, “Oh yeah… Father…father, huh…? Th-that feels kind of weird…”

I didn’t really get what all the mumbling was about, but I would reiterate what was my one clear conclusion: “And so I’m not going. I mean, it’s a waste of time for me to go anywhere there’s gonna be a crowd.”

“A waste of time? No it’s not,” Yuigahama protested.

But it seemed Yukinoshita shared my opinion. “It’s true. If Hikigaya and I were to go, there would be nothing for us to do. Our time would be spent simply being there.”

“It’ll be okaaay! Come on, I’ll be with you!” Yuigahama pressed with a thumb jabbed at herself.

But things would never go that well. “That’s half the problem.”

“Huh?” Yuigahama blinked.

“I’d go because I got invited by someone I get along with, right? But come on, if they’re friendly with me, that means they’re popular and have lots of friends. They’ll be in high demand wherever they go. While they’re talking with other people, I’m at loose ends. I’ll never fit in with the crowd, so I have nothing to do but focus on eating. That’s why I make sure not to go to these events in the first place,” I explained.

Yukinoshita added, “Formal parties and ceremonies are social pleasantries and nothing else, which actually makes them less stressful.”

“I get the sense you’ve experienced this personally. It’s kinda scaring me…” Yuigahama winced a bit at Yukinoshita’s smile.

Ooh, I feel like I just saw the dark side of a wealthy socialite.

Yukinoshita brought us back to the point. “Neither I nor Hikigaya are enthusiastic about this, Yuigahama, but if you can provide a good argument for the merits of going, I believe there is room to consider it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “Like not having to use conditioner, or how it’s got moisturizer in it, or how foaming it up turns it into a duck.”

“Why is that all about shampoo…? And wait, was that last one even shampoo?”

Oh, that last one was mousse, huh? “Anyway, whatever is fine. Just shoot,” I said.

Yuigahama put a hand to her mouth, tilting her head. “Hmm… Oh! If we all go together, i-it’ll be fun?”

“That’s extremely subjective and unpersuasive,” Yukinoshita said flatly.

“O-okay, okay, okay then…eating together will make the food better!”

“Dealing with all the people there means you can’t even think about the food.” This time, I was the one shooting her down.

But Yuigahama wouldn’t be discouraged. “Having a great time with your friends…is…h-healthy…”

“I doubt it’s healthy to get yourself wound up so late at night.” Yukinoshita calmly fired a shot of rationality.

But still, Yuigahama did her best to wring some kind of benefit out of going. “U-um…it’s an important opportunity to make memories?”

“Oh yeah. This is that thing where you write it as memories but it’s actually pronounced trauma.”

It seemed even Yuigahama was out of ideas at that point, as she held her head in her hands, halfway to tears. “Ngh…ahhhhh…h-hold on just a minute! I’m thinking!”

She’s still not giving up…?

“All right. Then, Hikigaya, while we’re waiting, why don’t we have you point out the disadvantages?” Seeing Yuigahama’s tenacity, Yukinoshita smiled sweetly and made a malicious suggestion. Well, I went along with it, so that made me a bad guy, too.

“Okay. Well, first of all…it costs money.”

“Penny-pincher…,” Yuigahama muttered sadly in a low tone.

Meanwhile, Yukinoshita was wearing a cheerful, beaming smile. Aha. I know where this leads.

“Going straight for the financial argument. I’d expect nothing less from you, Hikigaya.”

“Yeah. Money management is a vital skill for a househusband after all!” I replied with pride.

Looking exasperated, Yukinoshita said, “I meant that sarcastically…”

“Hikki’s already used to that. But it’s true; it does cost quite a lot. Even if you’re not going to a restaurant, a pot-pa or a tako-pa or curry-pa costs quite a bit.” Yuigahama was intoning some kind of spell.

What? What’d she say? I wondered, and I was not the only one.

Yukinoshita was equally baffled. “What? Pa? …Huh? I’m sorry. I don’t understand in the slightest what you just said… What language was that?”

“Oh, that was short for hot-pot party, takoyaki party, and curry party.”

“How do you have a party with hot pot or curry? Do you put candles on top of curry rice?” I asked. Or do you do toasts with the pot?

Yuigahama answered cheerfully, “We all get together at someone’s house, make the food, and eat it!”

Is that all…? I wondered.

But Yukinoshita’s concern focused on a different point. “Would you be included in the cooking…? Please never invite me to one of those events.”

“Don’t worry! I’m in charge of drinks!”

“At least you’re aware you’re a terrible cook,” I muttered. Aaand we were quite off topic. “…Anyway, paying money to go to some party or get-together so you can go and be miserable is a crazy idea. I’m serious.”

“O-oh…okay… I guess…” Yuigahama started trying to think of something else to say, and Yukinoshita glanced over at me.

“You have more, don’t you, Hikigaya?”

“Yep. —Like when you tell yourself, Okay, let’s do this, and you try talking to people and end up saying too much.”

“Urk.” Yuigahama cringed. “Yikes…I get that. If you’re thinking I’ve got to talk, I’ve got to talk when you’re with someone you don’t really know, you can end up saying stuff you shouldn’t…”

“We’re slowly convincing her,” said Yukinoshita.

And, well, it was a foregone conclusion at this point. “So can I take it that it’s unanimous that we’re not going?”

“No objections.”

“What?!”

Yukinoshita agreed with my statement, and majority rule meant it was determined we would not go.

But Yuigahama still wouldn’t give up. She was desperately racking her brain. “Hnnnng, there’s got to be something, there’s got to be something…… Oh! …Being with you…makes me happy.” After struggling to come up with something, that was the idea she had finally found.

“…”

“…”

Yukinoshita and I went silent. We were taken aback, even.

Yuigahama must have taken that silence as a rejection, as she sighed in resignation. “Agh, guess it’s no use after all…”

“…Heh. Well, I suppose we’ll call that a merit.” Yukinoshita smiled softly.

Joy clear on her face, Yuigahama turned back to Yukinoshita. “Huh? Then you’ll come with me, Yukinon?”

“Yes, I’ll come with you, just for a short while.”

Well, if Yuigahama and Yukinoshita were together, there wouldn’t be anything to complain about. I’d feel bad if they thought they had to babysit me the whole time just because I was there, so it was best for me to not go. “I’ll pass. The way all the others’ll see it, I’m basically not invited anyway. Don’t worry about me. Go and have fun,” I said.

Yuigahama’s hands fidgeted on her lap, and she eyed me with some reserve. “I—I am worried, though…”

“…Agh…don’t worry about it.”

“O-okay…”

At this rate, I was gonna end up stressing over it, so I decided to take my leave quickly and efficiently. “I’m heading out, then. Komachi’s probably already made dinner.”

“Say hello to her for me,” said Yukinoshita.

“Uh-huh. I will.”

“Huh? Hey! You’re really going?!”

“Yeah. See you.” I slid open the door and stepped out into the hallway. It was already pretty late. The school building was sinking into the setting sun.

And this was how the curtain closed at last on my cultural festival. The madness of the event was distant now, and even the lingering heat of excitement had cooled from the school’s halls. Only a few words remained in my ears, like the roar of the ocean, lighting a faint glow in my heart. I found myself thinking it wasn’t a bad ending to a cultural festival to go home feeling this way.

…My youth romantic comedy really was all wrong, as I expected.

As I was leaving…

“Y-you think I’ll let it end here?!”

“You don’t know when to give up…”

…I got the feeling I heard something like that.

I got home and opened the front door, then climbed up the stairs to the living room, on the second floor. “I’m baaaack.”

“Ohhh? Bro, welcome home!” Noticing me, Komachi poked her face out.

“Komachi, is dinner ready?”

“Huh? Oh yeah… I thought for sure you’d have an after-party or something, so I didn’t make anything…”

“Hey, that’s not like you. I always come straight back home from everything, choir recitals, graduation ceremonies, whatever. This is no different.” I think it’ll probably be the same for my coming-of-age ceremony, too.

“Hmm… But you worked so hard on this one, Bro.” She sounded unconvinced, somehow.

But I was certain. “And that’s exactly why I don’t want to go to the after-party. I don’t want to be any more tired.”

“Hmm, hmm! I guess you could look at it that way. That’s very you. Yeah. Oh well. All right, then I wonder what we should do for dinner…” Komachi folded her arms to think, when her phone gave a little tee-da-lee.

“Komachi, your phone is ringing.”

“Yeaaah.” She grabbed her phone and accepted the call. “Hello, hello, it’s Komachi.”

“Oh, Komachi? It’s me, it’s me,” I heard faintly through the mouthpiece, but it wasn’t clear from what Komachi said after that who it was.

“Oh, hello. Thank you, I’m always grateful for your assistance.”

“Are you an office worker?” I was starting to wonder if Komachi would end up being the one to get a job and support me.

But she reacted to me coldly. “Bro, shut up. Komachi’s still talking on the phone here. I’m sorry… Oh-ho, oh-ho. Ohhh. Yes, that’s right. I understand. Just leave the rest to Komachi~.  ” There was a beep as she hung up, and then she drifted into thought for a moment. “Hmm, so then first…” She started texting furiously.

“Immediately texting right after a call? You’re sure busy.”

“It’s important to do things before you forget. Okeydoke, and send!”

“Huh… I would appreciate it if you didn’t forget your big brother’s dinner,” I said, and Komachi spun around to face me.

“Oh, about that. Since I didn’t make anything, let’s go out to eat.”

“Huh? We can eat at home. If you want, I can just cook.” I was feeling too lazy to go out now, and I wanted to take it easy at home.

But Komachi was stubbornly refusing to give in. “No, no, you worked hard on the committee, Bro. We should go out and have fun. Think of it as a reward or something.”

“If that’s the deal, then your home cooking would be the better reward for me, Komachi.” A remark that was worth a lot of Hachiman points slipped out of my mouth. The sincerity was what gave it such a high score. In Hachiman points.

Komachi staggered dramatically, as if she’d been shot with an arrow through the heart, but then she immediately countered. “B-Bro! Y-you big jerk! Where’d you learn such a high-level technique?! You’re already garbage to begin with, so if you learn how to toy with girls’ hearts, too, then you really are destined to be one of those guys who leeches off a woman’s finances for sexual favors.”

“What a horrible thing to say…,” I muttered.

“Anyway, the decision’s been made. We’re going out. Let’s go!” Komachi took advantage of my moment of weakness after suffering such an enormous blow. As instructed, I ended up going out.

I strolled around the town with Komachi in search of dinner.

“Okeydoke, maybe this area’ll be good,” she said.

“We ended up just coming back near the school… So, what are we gonna eat? Ramen? Curry?”

“Since it’s a special day, let’s have something nicer.”

As we were tossing easy, meaningless banter back and forth, a figure dramatically stepped toward us. “Oh-ho, I can’t ignore that remark.”

“Gah! Miss Hiratsuka!”

The beautiful teacher made a particularly cool entrance, but her next remark sort of ruined it. “Ramen is a wonderful food. One might even call it the soul food of the Japanese! You know the old wisdom. Article the first: Softness of menma is to be valued. Article the second: Sincerely revere the three treasures—noodles, broth, and toppings.”

“What is this? The Ramen Seventeen Article Constitution?”

And what is this waste of a beautiful woman? Talking to her was so cringey I didn’t even want to engage with her, but my little sister dove in headfirst.

“Oh, Miss Hiratsuka, you’re late.”

“Sorry. I was a little busy dealing with some cultural festival cleanup.”

“Komachi invited you here…?” I asked.

“Komaaaachiii!” Someone was running to us from the distance, calling Komachi’s name, as a second figure walked toward us slowly.

“Yui! Yukino! Yahallo!” Komachi called out.

“Yahallo!” Yuigahama greeted her cheerfully in turn, while Yukinoshita did so more sedately.

“Good evening.”

“Yuigahama and Yukinoshita? You guys didn’t go to the after-party?” I asked.

Perfectly nonchalant, Yuigahama replied, “Yeah, we went. We all had a toast and hung out for a while, and then we left early.”

“Was it okay you did that?”

“Aw, it’s fine! There were tons of people there, and when it comes to these things, you only remember the people who were near you at the very beginning and the very end.”

“She frightens me with the things she says sometimes…,” Yukinoshita muttered.

Yep. I was thinking it, too, just now. Ooh, she’s kind of scary.

“Anyway, more importantly, why are you all here…?” I asked no one in particular in an attempt to figure out the reason behind this gathering, and that was when I heard someone else running up to us.

“Hachiman!”

“Totsuka… Why are you here?” Could it be…fate? I was struck with this certainty but turned out to be wrong.

Yuigahama replied easily, “Oh, I ran into Sai-chan, too, so I went and invited him.”

“Invited him? To what…? Wait, you were at the after-party, too?” I asked Totsuka.

“Yeah, I figured I would just stay a little while and then leave, so I’m glad she invited me.”

“What…did you say…? If I’d known you were there, I’d have gone, too…” Damn it, I wanted to be cheek to cheek with Totsuka on the dance floor, lit by the soft light seeping into the room amid the sounds of the festivities…

Totsuka must have sympathized with my regrets, as his head dipped a bit. “Oh, you meant to go to the after-party, too, Hachiman? Then maybe I should have stayed…”

“No, it’s okay. My reason to go isn’t there anymore anyway! So what the heck is this get-together…?”

The very moment I wondered this, yet another one burst in.

“Hyah! Master Swordsman General Yoshiteru sallies forth at the appointed time!”

“Give me a sec; I’m trying to ask for an explanation… Hey, why is Zaimokuza here, too? C’mon, who’s doing all this inviting?”

And what’s more, he was clearly the only one there whom no one had anticipated showing up. There was no way any of the others could have invited him. However, completely ignoring all that is what makes Zaimokuza, Zaimokuza.

“Just who the hell do you think I am?! Wherever you go, I’ll be there, Hachiman!”

“Listen, that’s creepy. You like me too much. And hey, Komachi, why’d you get all these people together?” I decisively looked away from Zaimokuza to turn the conversation toward Komachi instead.

My sister’s reply was as cheery as it could get. “The real after-party starts now, Bro! Let’s have some fun to blow all that fatigue away!”

“Uh, I’m the type who wants to take it easy at home when I’m tired, though…” Fun would only make me more tired…, I thought, but I just couldn’t get Komachi to understand, and Yuigahama put pressure on me, too.

“C’mon, it’ll be nice! We’ll call it our own private after-party!”

“Eugh…” I made my reluctance clear.

But Yukinoshita, who I’d thought had maintained a similar attitude toward this the whole time, coolly said, “Why don’t you give up? I meant to just go along with this briefly and then go home early, but I’ve already acquiesced…”

“Agh…” I expelled a deep, deep sigh. Whatever the case, once a decision was made, there was nothing I could do about it. So I would meekly play along.

We wandered aimlessly through the bustling crowds, searching for a place to go.

This was when Yuigahama said awkwardly, “Um, what should we do?”

“You didn’t think about this…?” I groaned. Why so reckless? Are you Botchan?

It seemed leaving it up to Botchan would get us nowhere, so instead, Sai-chan suggested, “Maybe we should just go into a restaurant?”

Komachi responded to Totsuka’s suggestion with a question of her own. “Yeah, but then what would we eat?”

Instantly, Zaimokuza reacted. “Herm. What sort of meat, Hachiman?”

“You’ve already decided it’s gonna be meat?”

“I’ll have anything! Beef, pork, chicken, barbecue, horse, white meat, wild boar, venison, mutton, or lamb!”

“You meat maniac. And wait—chicken and white meat are the same thing…”

Actually, the way he casually inserted barbecue into that lineup turned it into a kind of mini-game. Which one of these is not like the others?! The correct one is…me!

I’d assumed Zaimokuza’s opinion wouldn’t be held in any regard, but surprisingly, the girls were responsive. “Ohhh! Komachi agrees with meat!”

“I’m feeling the meat, too. Meeeat!”

“Yaaay! Meat!” Komachi and Yuigahama were loudly going into total meat mode.

In contrast with the two of them, Yukinoshita was calm. “I’m…perhaps in the mood for seafood… Like spiny lobster.”

“What, you a fan?” Adding it at the end makes you sound particularly passionate about it.

Totsuka followed up with “I’d like to have something with more veggies.”

Miss Hiratsuka agreed. “Same here… For the antiaging properties.”

“One of you is taking this too seriously… Anyway, we’ve got zero consensus here.” Nobody was making an effort to compromise on anything. It doesn’t look like anything’s gonna get decided after all. I was thinking like a spectator, when Yukinoshita suddenly looked at me.

“How about you, then? …Isn’t there anything you’d like to eat?”

“Oh yeah. I guess I didn’t say what I wanted. Nobody ever asks my opinion when I’m in a group, so I forgot to say.”

“What a sad tendency… I believe today, at least, you can state your preference.” For once, Yukinoshita gave me the freedom to say what I wanted. Oh, I normally do, but it was unusual for her to go to the trouble of asking me for my opinion.

Guess I’ll have my say, then. “Okay. Then, some kind of carbs,” I requested.

Miss Hiratsuka nodded. “Mm-hmm. Meat, seafood, vegetables, and carbs… If that’s the situation, let me think over this a moment.”

Leave it to an adult to handle all the requests so calmly.

The similarly calm Yukinoshita said, “But if we stay around here, I think we might bump into some of the other classes. It would be nice to find somewhere not too crowded.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “I don’t want to be stuck in some awkward situation where we’re glancing at one another but nobody’s making a move.”

“Do you have to put it like that…?” Yuigahama replied wearily, but she quickly got over it and folded her arms, trying to think up a place we could go. “Maybe there’s some nice restaurant that isn’t so well-known around here somewhere?”

Yuigahama’s description must have stuck with Miss Hiratsuka, as she seemed to hit on something. “Now that I think of it, I know someone who’s fairly in the know about these things… Wait just a moment. I’m going to make a quick call.” She stepped away for a bit to dial someone. “Oh, sorry this is out of the blue. It’s me.”

Watching her from afar, Totsuka tilted his head. “Someone in the know… I wonder who she means.”

“I dunno. But someone familiar with a lot of obscure but good restaurants would have to be someone who parties a lot, so it’s probably no one good,” I said.

Yuigahama’s expression turned sour. “That’s pretty narrow-minded of you…”

“Indeed it is. Some people are no good even if they don’t party a lot. I won’t name names, though.” Yukinoshita smiled at me.

Hey, you’re making it pretty explicit here. “Come on, don’t give me that nice little smile.”

Finished her phone call, Miss Hiratsuka returned. “Sorry for the wait. There’s a nice place just past the train station—somewhere we can have meat, fish, and veggies. I reserved a table, so let’s go,” she said.

So we followed after her and came to a shop with the traditional split curtains hanging in front of the entrance.

“Oh, this is it. I’ll check our seats,” Miss Hiratsuka said, and she pulled open the sliding door with a rattle and went inside.

While we waited for her, we examined the storefront.

Looking at the curtains, Zaimokuza muttered, “Hmm, Yoshie’s Okonomiyaki and Monjayaki…”

“From the curtains, I figure someone named Yoshie runs the place.” I had nothing else to do, so I did Zaimokuza the favor of conversing with him.

Yuigahama, who seemed equally at loose ends, joined in. “It’d be surprising if someone else ran it, huh?”

During our incredibly trivial conversation, we could hear voices within the restaurant.

“Sorry for taking so long.”

“Uh-uh, it’s totally fine.”

Miss Hiratsuka was discussing something with someone inside—it seemed she was with the person who had found her this restaurant.

Noticing their presence, Totsuka took a little peek into the shop. “Oh, it looks like someone else got here ahead of us.”

“Then we might as well go in, too,” said Yukinoshita.

“Yeah!” Komachi followed her inside.

The rest of us passed through the curtains, and I closed the door behind us. But then, when the person in front stopped, I suddenly pitched forward to keep from slamming into her.

Yukinoshita, in the lead, had screeched to a halt.

Why’d she stop? I wondered, looking ahead, and I discovered an unexpected presence.

Sitting in a seat at the back was Yukinoshita’s older sister, Haruno Yukinoshita. She waved a hand, a smile on her face. “Heeey, Yukino-chan!”

In contrast with Haruno’s cheer, the younger Yukinoshita was ice-cold. “…Why are you here?”

“Shizuka-chan invited me. Tee-hee.” Haruno giggled innocently, but Yukinoshita’s glacial stare didn’t waver at all.

“…”

“D-don’t give me that nasty look. That hurts, geez. It’s a special day, so can’t we be good sisters just for today, at least?”

“Just for today, hmm?” Yukinoshita glared straight at Haruno.

“Yes, for one day.” Haruno was smiling, but her eyes were locked on her sister’s. The tension between them did not abate.

“Well, fine…” Yukinoshita blew out a breath, and then finally, things relaxed enough that we could have a normal conversation.

Do that at home, guys, okay?

It seemed Yukinoshita was on board now, as she walked to the back of the restaurant, and we followed after her.

Haruno waved casually at the rest of us coming up behind her. Yuigahama noticed her and called out. “Oh, Haruno!”

“Gahama-chan! Yahallo!”

When Haruno beat her to her own greeting, Yuigahama replied with some confusion and a little distate. “Y-yahallo, Miss Haruno.”

“Are you trying to be polite…?” I muttered.

When I followed in after Yuigahama, Haruno raised a hand to greet me, too. “And yahallo to you, too, Hikigaya!”

“Hey,” I replied with a casual bow, and then Komachi pushed me aside to come forward. She’s weirdly into this…

“I think this is the first I’ve spoken with you properly! Thank you so much for always dealing with my brother. I’m his sister, Komachi. And this is Totsuka and Snowflake.”

“Oh, my, my, thank you for always being a good friend to Yukino-chan. I’m her sister, Haruno.” She bowed politely after Komachi briefly introduced Totsuka and Zaimokuza. Well, I’m not sure if that counted as an introduction for Zaimokuza.

“H-hello…” Totsuka greeted her a little nervously.

Haruno replied kindly, “Oh, hello. Be good to Yukino-chan, okay?”

And then, having waited until the time was ripe, Zaimokuza took the stage. “Burrraaah! I believe this is the first I’ve laid eyes upon thee! I am Yoshiteru Zaimokuza, master swordsman general! Prostrate thyself before me!”

Agh, there he goes…, I thought.

But Haruno just laughed. “Ah-ha! What a unique character! You’re funny!   I think I’ll have a good time talking to you.”

…For real? The way she handled him left me speechless.

And Zaimokuza was ecstatic. “H-herm-herm! ’T-tis an honor and a pleasure to make your acquaintance!”

Watching Zaimokuza’s meaningless salute to Haruno, I said to Yukinoshita, beside me, “Your sister’s social mask really is perfect… I couldn’t never manage Zaimokuza like that.”

“Oh, indeed. She is impressive, if I may say so of my own sister.”

I couldn’t figure out if she was being ironic when she said that or not.

A very wound-up Zaimokuza zoomed loudly toward us, rambling at warp speed. “H-H-H-H-H-Hachiman! Ye gods! Finally, an angel has descended upon such a hopeless man as me! Right?! That meant this is it, right?!”

“Hold on and calm down, Zaimokuza. Listen, if you translate what she said into modern Japanese, it means…You’re weird and gross. Talking to you is the most I can handle, and any more than that is a whole lotta nope.   So gross.” I gave him my calm analysis.

This seemed to cool his head, and he started to accept reality. “What? What a most perfect translation! ’Tis as if you had the very seal of Solomon! Is that your Solomon Style?”

“Naw, it’s not a special power or anything. It’s just one of those things people like you and me used to misunderstand in middle school. Figure it out already.”

While I was admonishing Zaimokuza, Komachi stepped forward. “But anyway, Haruno, you’re really pretty! No surprises there, since you’re Yukino’s sister… Oh! A new bride candidate! Not bad, Bro!”

“Not bad what?” I asked.

Komachi gave me a cheek-splitting grin. “Komachi just keeps getting more and more big-sister candidates! Aside from the ones here, there’s, like, um…Taishi’s sister Kawa…Kawaa…Kawa-something, too.”

“You should remember her name…”

Remember, um, Kawa…Kawabata, at least.

Komachi swiftly forgot about Kawa-something and hopped over to Haruno. “Anyway, for Komachi, having more big-sister candidates is a great thing! I’d love to call you my big sister, Haruno!”

“This girl is so funny, huh, Hikigaya? A second little sister, huh? Awww~. You’re sooo cuuute, Komachi-chan! I’ll take you home with me~.  ” When Komachi approached, Haruno petted her head and wrapped her in a tight hug.

In her arms, Komachi was on her way up to the heavens. “Oof, so soft and happy…”

“All right, could you please get your hands off my sister?” As her big brother, I had to firmly and resolutely take my sister back now.

When I went to pull them apart, Haruno smiled mischievously, looking into my eyes. “Whoops… So am I allowed to put my hands on you, Hikigaya?”

I was startled—but I wasn’t about to let something like that rattle me now. I made an effort to keep calm. “Depends on how you do it. If you mean like punching or kicking, I’ll have to say no—Miss Hiratsuka is the only one allowed to hit me.”

“So he’s resigned himself to it…,” Yukinoshita said with exasperation, and Haruno gave a lamenting sigh.

“Oh, that’s the sort of contrarian remark I expected. I’m impressed.”

I wouldn’t say speak of the devil, but right then, Miss Hiratsuka came walking up from the back of the restaurant.

“Oh, have you all said hello to Haruno? I’ve spoken to the management, and they’re letting us take the table in the back, so go have a blast. And we start with a toast. Take your seats.”

It seemed she’d gone to find us some group seating. There’s someone you can count on. Still wish she didn’t punch me.

When we were all in our seats, Miss Hiratsuka picked up a glass. At that signal, the rest of us raised our glasses, too. Turning around to sweep her eyes over everyone, Miss Hiratsuka led the toast. “All right. To a successful festival!”

“Cheers!”

We all drained our glasses.

The main dish here was monjayaki. Well, there was no main anything, really; it started with the climax.

Monjayaki.

Given it’s fairly inexpensive, you can eat it for a good while, and you can also enjoy adding a variety of different toppings to suit your own taste, so high school kids tend to go for it…I think. I don’t really know what high school kids like.

It’s extremely simple to make. First, you fry up the toppings and then use them to make a donut shape. In the biz, we call ’em “nuts.” So you pour the batter right in the middle, and then once it starts bubbling, you mix it all up and wait awhile. I can’t say it looks pretty, but it tastes a lot better than it looks.

There are many things to be learned from monjayaki.

For example, how you shouldn’t judge people based on appearances, and how you can’t judge light novels based on their titles, and…nothing else in particular, nope.

As I was lost in thought, a savory scent wafted toward me. Glancing at the flat grill, I saw the monjayaki was about done.

Haruno noticed, too, and said, “It’s looking pretty good now.”

“Oh yeah. Well then, let’s dig in,” said Miss Hiratsuka, and on that cue, we all took up our spatulas and started eating.

Shocked, Yuigahama yelped, “What the heck?! This is good! Oh my god! It’s way better than it looks!”

“Hey, don’t talk about how it looks. If I look too hard at it, I won’t want to eat it anymore,” I said, a little irked.

Haruno’s sharp ears picked this up, and she leaned over toward me. “Oh my, Hikigaya. It doesn’t look like you’ve eaten much. Oh well. Big Sister will help you. All right, say ah.” Beside me, she gently held out her spatula. Her body pressed up close to me.

I twisted around in the small space in an attempt to avoid it. “Uh, um, I’m fine eating at my own pace.”

“Come on now, go ahead! You worked so hard, Hikigaya, so I think I can do this much for you. Here, Hikigaya. Say ahhh.”

Even though I refused and refused her, this woman just kept pushing. She feels soft and smells nice, and I can’t— Ah, hey! Don’t touch my thigh…hngh.

As I started to doubt whether I could take much more of this, a voice cold like ice water poured over us. “Haruno. Nothing good will come of spoiling him, so stop it.”

“Y-yeah. U-um, that kinda stuff is, uh, um…,” Yuigahama added, somewhat flustered.

With the two girls both telling her off, Haruno lowered her hand, blinked, and gave a mean smile. “Oh my, so you’re joining in, too, Gahama-chan? Oh-ho…this is getting kinda fun.”

One other person at the table wore a similar smile. “Oh-ho indeed! I’d agree this is a pretty interesting development, in Komachi terms.”

“I don’t get that feeling at all, though,” I said. “Things are just getting awkward.”

Haruno and Komachi might be a dangerous combination. Put the two together, and they’re Twenty Million Powers. But mixing black and black only gets you more black… It’s just like Gin said, really…

“But does this count as a party? We’re simply eating monja.” I asked the question that had struck me as I ate my food.

Yuigahama’s expression turned uncertain. “Huh? I—I dunno…”

You don’t know, either…?

Yukinoshita put her hand to her jaw and tilted her head. “What should we do, specifically?”

At times like these, the thing to do is bring up other specific examples. And then based on those, you come up with an approximation to help you grasp the overall picture. With this thought in mind, I decided to ask about the most recent party-like event, the one to celebrate the cultural festival.

“What did you do for the after-party?” I asked.

Yuigahama stared into thin air with a cute little noise and thought back. “Huh? Well, like, we had it at a live music venue…and we all just kinda partied and had fun?”

“That explanation functionally tells us nothing.” With absolutely no concrete details, I was still in the dark. So I was forced to ask someone else who’d gone.

When I glanced at Yukinoshita, she said, “Some people who performed during the cultural festival were onstage.”

“There was also a DJ, and people were dancing,” Totsuka added as well.

Oh, dancing. “Hmph, good thing I didn’t go…”

Haruno nodded with big-sister-like composure as she listened to the others describe the party. “Yes, yes, that’s nice and healthy. Once you’re an adult, after-parties are all about drinking.”

“Is that right?” I couldn’t really imagine that, so I looked at Miss Hiratsuka, our resident adult.

“Yeah. You go around saying hello to everyone, pouring drinks as you go, and if someone’s glass is empty, you quietly order an extra drink.”

“Whoa, that sounds exhausting.” Yuigahama put in a lot of effort in the realm of social consideration, so she was a little boggled. For me, that would be totally impossible. I’d probably just end up causing trouble for my coworkers, so it’d be best if I didn’t get a job. I’m sure unemployment can be its own form of kindness.

Yuigahama’s remark made Miss Hiratsuka smile. “Hey, it’s not all bad. There are bingo tournaments and Secret Santas, too.”

“Bingo!” For some reason, Zaimokuza reacted to that word. Not in any meaningful way.

“Just mentioning that part makes it seem pretty fun~,” commented Haruno.

“I think I wouldn’t mind joining in if there were prizes!” Komachi reacted, too.

Hey, that’s, like, material greed, isn’t it?

But Miss Hiratsuka ignored their excitement with a soft little sigh. “But when you’re the one who has to run it, it’s hell…”

“Huh?” I replied instinctively. Her phrasing had unsettled me.

But Miss Hiratsuka didn’t continue immediately. She raised a hand to call the server. “Oh, a whiskey and soda, please.” Then she downed it all in one go and started talking. “First of all, underlings have to handle the reception and cloakroom. You deal with guest after guest while they’re all pouring in. If you’re bad at it, the flow bottlenecks in front of the counter, and that puts a hell of a lot of pressure on you. And then, right as you start to think you’ve survived and maybe you can relax, you have to spend the party time watching people’s stuff so it doesn’t get stolen. Some people will leave partway. And then by the time you’re freed from cloakroom duty, the party is already in full swing, jazz, and blues. Oh, another whiskey and soda, please.”

“Y-you’re drinking really fast…” Totsuka was scared (how cute).

Unbothered by his fear, Miss Hiratsuka gulped down her new drink and set down the glass. “And what’s more…”

“There’s more…?” We’ve already heard some pretty awful stuff…

Maybe it was the booze, but Miss Hiratsuka had no intention of stopping. “Of course, you have to deal with the guests’ bags and coats when they leave, too. And that’s when all kinds of issues crop up—like their bags go missing, or they never checked them in, and then you think it’s over, and then you’re running over to reserve a spot for the after-party, and on top of that, you have to catch a taxi for the bosses to take home, and just when you think everyone’s finally gone, you’re left holding on to some lost item whose owner never shows up… Oh, sorry, another whiskey and soda.” Miss Hiratsuka was downing her drinks at an impressive pace.

Haruno chided her. “Shizuka-chan, you’re drinking too much, okay?”

“That was all just complaints…” Yukinoshita looked rather tired and exasperated after being subjected to all that.

But her hard-heartedness stirred some sympathy in me for Miss Hiratsuka. “Hey, let her complain, at least. I’m sure she can never say this stuff normally.”

“Oh, you’re surprisingly understanding about this,” our teacher said.

Hey, I was a slave to the system on the Cultural Festival Committee. I understand a thing or two.

I’m sure she was dying to do some grumbling at times like these. Generally, if you complain, people always tell you you’re not the only one having a hard time. Why do I have to have a hard time just because everyone else is? What’s the causal relationship here?

Miss Hiratsuka smoked a cigarette as she continued listlessly. “Agh…you kids have tomorrow off, but I have work, you know…”

“Aren’t you sulking a little too much…?” I gave her a mildly exasperated look, but when her eyes met with mine, she suddenly became energetic.

“All right then, let’s do it.”

“Do what?”

“The top three remarks I can’t stand hearing from bosses and superiors!” She was winding herself up and up even though the rest of us were not, and I was not going to encourage her.

“We’re not doing that. We are not doing that.” I don’t wanna do such a sad segment… It’ll make me even more averse to getting a job…

I doubted anyone wanted to do it, but she was really excited about it.

“Well then, in third place…”

“So you’re going to do it whether we want you to or not…” Yukinoshita shivered, and Miss Hiratsuka poised to make her announcement.

“In third place! If you’re not taking notes, that means you got everything, right?”

Her delivery, obviously an imitation of someone, landed a critical hit in Yuigahama’s memory. “Oh… They said that to me at a part-time job…”

“Now that I think of it, they told me that at my part-time job, too. And when I did it perfectly, it just made them even grumpier…,” I muttered.

As the mood at the table got darker and darker, Miss Hiratsuka blew away our gloom with her excited presentation of number two. “In second place! I’ve got something to talk to you about tomorrow, so please make time for that.”

As we listened, the scene grew even grimmer.

“The polite way of putting it actually makes it scarier…,” said Totsuka.

“That would bother me so much, I wouldn’t be able to work all day…,” said Yuigahama.

Even Yukinoshita agreed. “And they indicate a specific time, but they don’t tell you what it’s about…” All three of them stared down at a corner of the flat grill.

Perhaps concerned for the futures of these young people, Miss Hiratsuka gave a classroom-style explanation. “That one is pretty rough, so watch out. You’ll spend all night wondering if you should skip work the next day. Agh, seriously, what am I gonna do tomorrow…?”

“They just told you that today, huh…?” Komachi gave the thirtyish teacher a look of pity.

Unable to take it anymore, Yuigahama cried out, “Not allowed! No real stuff allowed! It’ll make me too sad!”


“Ha-ha-ha! That sort of thing is no big deal. Now, what you’ve all been waiting for: number one!” Miss Hiratsuka laughed it off bravely, but this was too much for me.

“There’s something even worse…? Enough… This hurts…”

“Nobody’s waiting for it…” Just as Yukinoshita said, nobody wanted to hear this—or rather, I think hearing it might ensure that all of us would never want to enter the workforce, ever.

But there was no sign Miss Hiratsuka was stopping.

“In first place: ‘I told you if there’s anything you don’t understand, then ask, right?’

“‘Come on, I wanted you to think over this much on your own, at least…’

“‘Hey, why did you just do it without consulting me?’ in an endless loop.”

Instantly, those three lines spun around in my head like an ouroboros. “No matter what you do, you’re screwed… Is this a bug in the world or what?”

“The ultimate triple threat, from which there is no escape! So this is the Tenchi-matou! Defense, Attack, and Magic all in one stance!” Zaimokuza gulped, wiping sweat off his brow. That three-stage attack was bound to take down half of all fresh employees.

As the revelation crushed our spirits, the one person who looked unaffected, Haruno, grinned. “Well, the world is an unreasonable place, so there’s no helping it.”

“I don’t wanna get a job…,” I moaned.

We’d been forced to witness the ugly side of society. A murky cloud hung over us.

In attempt to cheer things up, Haruno suddenly suggested an idea. “Now it’s all gloomy. We should play a game!”

“Yeah!” Komachi quickly got on board.

But somehow, I didn’t have a very good feeling about this… “Not these two together…,” I muttered, but it seemed nobody else realized the danger they posed.

Totsuka tilted his head in a pure expression of curiosity. “What sort of game would we play?”

“Oh, that’s a good question.” Haruno pointed at him.

Then Miss Hiratsuka, now finally calm, joined in on the conversation. “Well, the standard is the king’s game, I figure.”

“That’s something a middle-aged man would pick.” Yuigahama offered her artless impression.

This silenced Miss Hiratsuka once again. “Hngh…”

In the corner of my eye, I could see Zaimokuza trembling. “Th-the king’s game, with girls… The dream situation…… D-d-d-d-do you want me to bring you support from a sponsor? Bandai, the company that brings good times!”

“Calm down. Bandai isn’t a sponsor.”

In fact, we’re actually recruiting sponsors. There’s still time!

Someone else at the table reacted to the term king’s game. She quietly straightened her posture, turning a piercing gaze toward us. “The king’s game… If we’re competing for a throne, I must win. Might I ask the rules?”

“Hey, it’s not like that at all!” Yuigahama cried out in shock.

Miss Hiratsuka, now revived, folded her arms with an mm-hmm. “I should explain. In the king’s game, we draw straws to decide on a king, and that person can give any order. We call out, Who’s the king?  , and we all draw at once. You got that? It’s Who’s the king?   Okay?”

“She’s way too into this…”

“It’s cute how she’s so excited about the Who’s the king?   bit…,” I said.

After learning the rules, Komachi’s eyes sparkled. “You can order anything… That sounds amazing!”

Seriously, my little sister is such a scheming— Wait. “Ah! If we can order anything, then Totsuka…”

“Chance!” Zaimokuza was on the same wavelength as me. I didn’t even finish my sentence, but he understood, which means Totsuka’s cuteness is universally appreciated, right?

Totsuka, now a being on par with an international super-idol, seemed scared of this game. This only increased his cuteness factor by 40 percent. “It’s a little bit scary, if it’s anything.”

“True… I’m sure certain people among us would give nasty orders.” Yukinoshita glowered in my direction.

“Hey, you,” I said. “Could you quit it with the glaring?”

Since some opposing opinions had been presented, Haruno suggested something else. “Okay, so instead of the king’s game, then, let’s do the Yamanote Line game.”

“Oh. I’m fine with that,” Yuigahama agreed.

But as a resident of Chiba, I didn’t really know the Yamanote Line game. “I don’t ride the Yamanote Line much, so I wouldn’t know it.”

“So then the Sobu Line game. It doesn’t matter what you call it. You all know the rules?”

It doesn’t matter what you call it…?

Haruno scanned the crowd to confirm, and Yukinoshita belligerently replied, “No problems here.”

Making sure everyone else was okay with it, too, Miss Hiratsuka leaned forward. “All right then, let’s get started. The call for this is Sobu Line game, yaaay!  ”

“She’s got it bad for this. It’s kinda cute…,” I muttered. I could almost get into her super-excited, nearly giddy mood, which was freaking me out.

Still as cheery as could be, Miss Hiratsuka called out, “Sobu Line game!  ”

“Yaaay!” Everyone called out in response.

She followed up with “Who’s the Sobu Line?!”

“Is this how this game goes?!” Surprised, Yuigahama did a double take.

“Oh. Me.”

“Herm, and I am a user of the Sobu Line.”

“And you guys are gonna keep going, too?!”

Wait, this isn’t how the game goes…? Am I wrong? Yuigahama?

“This is different from the king’s game from earlier, isn’t it?” Yukinoshita muttered, folding her arms with a hmm.

Yes, this is different from the game we were just discussing, isn’t it?

Looking over the crowd of people who, including me, didn’t know the rules at all, Haruno gave a wry smile. “Looks like I have to actually explain the rules… Well then, my lovely assistant: Please tell them.”

Assistant? Who? I thought, and Komachi’s hand shot up.

“Heya, I’m your lovely assistant Komachi! All righty, I will now explain the rules of the Sobu Line game. Basically, you request something, and then everyone answers in rhythm!”

“That’s way too basic… You could turn that into a programming language.”

But Komachi didn’t care and continued her sloppy explanation. “It’s like the everywhere anytime game, but, like, you know. So anyway, let’s get started~!”

“First, we have to decide on a subject,” Haruno said.

Totsuka considered with a hmm. “It’s hard to think up something out of the blue…”

Seeing his hesitation, Miss Hiratsuka said, “When you’re playing this game at parties or group dates, it’s typical to pick a theme that can provide a foundation for conversation after the game. You should remember that.”

Komachi nodded, impressed. “Ohhh, is that right? The more you know!”

“Though I get the feeling Miss Hiratsuka’s not capitalizing on that at all. That’s sad…” Why does she understand so much and yet still can’t get married…? I could almost shed a tear for her.

Ignoring me, Yukinoshita tilted her head. “But what sort of topic would stimulate conversation?”

“If you go with your hobby or favorite foods as a theme, you’ll have more things to talk about afterward. Like, Oh, so your hobby is fishing; I’d like to go, too. Something like that.”

Miss Hiratsuka’s example answer made Yuigahama’s eyes sparkle. “You’re right! Wow! You’re a super-natural!”

“It’s sad you’re so shrewd about it, and you still can’t get results…” Why can’t she get married if she can do all that…?

“All right then, let’s make the subject hobbies.”

“Let’s give it a shot!”

Haruno picked a subject from the examples Miss Hiratsuka had given, and Komachi gave the start signal.

And of course, the one to lead the game was Miss Hiratsuka herself. “Sobu Line game!  ”

“Yaaay!” everyone replied.

Then Miss Hiratsuka announced the topic, and I could almost hear the whee   in her voice. “Everywhere, anytime, a hobby you’re really into right now~.”

First came Komachi. “Karaoke!”

We clapped to the beat, and Yuigahama followed. “You beat me to it! Um, cooking!”

Huh? Really? I thought as we moved on to Yukinoshita.

“Horseback riding.”

Singing, horseback riding… She’s got a wide range of interests.

After that was Totsuka’s turn. “Tennis!”

And my racket and ball, too… was something I did not have the time to say, as there was another clap on the beat, and then it was Zaimokuza.

“Herm, writing my draft.”

I see; so that’s his hobby… Well, never mind him.

Next was Miss Hiratsuka’s turn. “Going for drives.”

Ohhh, I can see her with a cool hobby like that.

And next was Haruno. Following the clap, she went along with the rhythm to announce her interest. “Travel.”

Huh, sounds like university students have some spare time on their hands, I thought, and then there was a clap, and all eyes gathered on me.

“Huh? My hobby…? P-people-watching…?”

“…”

The Huh? What’s that supposed to mean? silence was rather painful.

“You’re out, Hikigaya,” Miss Hiratsuka declared.

“Huh? Hey, wait. People-watching is a legit hobby!” I attempted to argue, but the reaction from the others wasn’t favorable.

“That basically means you don’t do anything, doesn’t it…?” Yuigahama said.

Yukinoshita added, “In your case, that’s less a hobby and more of a behavioral pattern, isn’t it? It’s the kind of creature you are, isn’t it?”

“Don’t talk about a person like they’re a wild animal. I mean, if I’m out, then Yuigahama’s out, too! Cooking is not your hobby!” I said.

Yuigahama was quite indignant. “Rude! I love watching people cook!”

“Watching people cook? That’s novel…,” commented Yukinoshita.

Ignoring Yuigahama’s groundbreaking choice of hobbies, Haruno gave a somewhat mocking smile. “I really don’t know about calling people-watching a hobby… At the very least, I’ve never heard it in my sphere.”

“Of course not. Anyone who says people-watching is their hobby generally doesn’t have friends. It’s on a higher level, so to speak, permitted only to the chosen ones,” I announced with pride.

Yukinoshita put her hand to her temple and said with exasperation, “That’s just a bad habit.”

Huh? I-is people-watching…bad?

As I was busy being rather shocked, Komachi chided me. “Bro, if you’re gonna overcome lonerdom, you should get a proper hobby.”

“It’s fine. I have no plans to overcome my lonerdom anyway, and I don’t even want to. I mean, there’s something wrong with the idea that it’s unpleasant to be alone.”

“Here he goes again…,” groaned Yuigahama, sounding suddenly tired.

“What you’re saying is not at all incorrect, but you’re the wrong person to say it,” said Yukinoshita in a similar tone. They both seemed ready to resign themselves to their fate.

Don’t give up, guys!

Haruno clapped her hands. “Oh, but speaking as an older sister, I think it’s good to have a hobby, you know?”

Miss Hiratsuka gave an appreciative hmm. “Haruno, you always say things that sound so reasonable on the surface.”

“Shizuka-chan, that’s a horrible way to put it!”

“It’s the truth.” Yukinoshita added another blow, and Haruno puffed up her cheeks in a pout.

“And you’re being mean, too, Yukino-chan! But I really am concerned about Hikigaya!”

“You? Concerned? Please make your jokes at least somewhat believable.”

“I’m serious! I mean, he’s going to be living a lonely life all by himself, right? So I think he should at least have a hobby to throw himself into.”

“Hey, that was super-nasty,” I said. “That was about three times worse than you, Yukinoshita. Is no one gonna do anything about this?” Why do these sisters wound me so much?

As I searched for comfort, I found the angel for my ears, oh, Totsuka. His voice had reached me. “But it’s fun to hang out together with someone who shares your hobbies, huh?”

“Okay, everyone, hurry up and think up a hobby for me. Chop-chop, what if you don’t make it in time?”

“Why are you suddenly acting all bossy…?” Yuigahama huffed at me.

But of course I would get bossy about it. I mean, if I could acquire a hobby to have in common with Totsuka, I’d have half the world, you know?

Everyone seemed to be trying to think up a hobby for me, folding their arms and tilting their heads and going hmm. They’re all such good people…

The first one to arrive at an answer was Yukinoshita. “The safe answer would be reading, wouldn’t it?”

But Yuigahama’s reply was merciless. “Huh? That’s kinda dull.”

“…Is it dull? …I… I find it fun, though.” Yukinoshita sounded a little hurt, a heavy air hanging around her.

Picking up on this, Yuigahama swiftly backpedaled. “Ack! I-I’m sorry! With you, Yukinon, it works, so it’s totally okay!”

“Oh-ho…Yukino-chan got upset. Wow, Gahama-chan,” Haruno marveled.

“Wait, so it’s unacceptably boring if I read…?” If you think about it, that just hurts me indirectly…

“But it’s true more active hobbies have a healthier image,” said Komachi.

Zaimokuza crossed his arms and put on an arrogant attitude. “Herm, so then what about sabage?”

“Saba…ge? …Saba?” Yukinoshita tilted her head at the unfamiliar term.

“It means survival games, Yukinoshita. Basically, intense play fights with airsoft guns,” Miss Hiratsuka explained.

Yukinoshita smiled at me with understanding. “I see… I think that might be perfect for you, Hikigaya. You would have an aptitude for sniping from blind spots and things of that nature.”

“Hey, don’t act so happy about mocking my invisibility.”

“Yukino-chan, you can’t say things like that,” said Haruno.

Oh-ho, as expected of the big sister. So she does actually scold her sister for this behavior?

“Hikigaya wouldn’t be able to get together enough people, so he wouldn’t be able to start a game in the first place. It would be cruel to give him undue hope.”

“Your sense of humor is pitch-black! Are you the coffee sisters? You’re gonna keep me wide-awake here.” What is up with these two?

As I was suffering at the hands of the Yukinoshita family’s DNA, Miss Hiratsuka offered her own suggestion. “Hmm. Then maybe fishing would work. You can do it by yourself, and I do it quite a lot. I-if you like, I might even teach you.”

“Herm. As do I… But this is bait!”

“Old meme. Okay, next, next.” As I casually brushed off Zaimokuza, other suggestions piled up.

Yuigahama was the next to speak. “But, like, hobbies where you need equipment are hard for a high school kid. That stuff costs money.” This was a rather budget-wise opinion, but, well, she was right.

Yukinoshita also agreed, nodding. “Then we should make it something that could be considered an extension of his current lifestyle.”

My normal lifestyle… Oh, it’s kinda…well…, I was thinking, when Totsuka looked up at me.

“What do you do at home, Hachiman?”

“Huh? Well…not anything, really… There’s nothing I can really point to…” Yes, nothing I could point to in front of everyone…

I quietly averted my eyes, but as if she had read my mind, Haruno smiled and brought the conversation around to Komachi. “Komachi-chan? Could you tell us?”

“I—I wanna know, too!” said Yuigahama. “I mean, um, I guess.”

“Oh, this sounds intriguing.” Miss Hiratsuka also expressed interest.

So Komachi went hmm as she mentally sketched out my typical routine. “Um, well…”

“No, don’t, Komachi,” I warned, but of course, she wasn’t going to listen.

“When my brother gets home, he lies around watching old anime on Chiba TV, and after that, he studies in his room. Or reads books and plays video games.”

“Whoa, boring.” Yuigahama’s impression was really damn honest.

“Leave me alone… I have a good time. It’s great when Wataru and stuff is on.”

“Herm. I do something similar on weekdays.”

That’s Zaimokuza for you—loath as I was to admit it, he understood.

Actually, he was the only one who did. Everyone else was acting rather aghast.

In an attempt to help, Totsuka said to Komachi, “He’s got school and club, so there’s nothing you can do about that, right? So then what about weekends?”

“Um, on weekends, after Super Hero Time, he watches Precure…and cries about it…”

“Whoa, at that age…” Yuigahama, like the rest of them, was horrified.

Objection. I mean, like, you guys aren’t watching it? What the hell is with that? These days, even preschool kids are watching it, you know? Don’t get left behind, okay? Don’t you love the smiles and glitter?

“He also goes to the library and bookstores and stuff, but he’s always doing the same things, you know?”

“As long as he’s having fun, I can’t be upset,” Yukinoshita said with pity.

“Shuddup. I don’t wanna hear it from you. I mean, you’re not much different, are you? You don’t have friends, and you like reading,” I shot back.

Yukinoshita swept her hair back off her shoulders with a derisive snort. “Don’t compare us. I…,” Yukinoshita began, but Haruno cut in.

“Heh-heh-heh, when Yukino-chan lived at home…”

That made Yukinoshita freeze. “Haruno, don’t. Just don’t.”

But something like that was not going to stop her. This was just like what had happened with me. Haruno smiled gleefully and continued. “Come on, it’s not like this will cost you anything. On weekends, Yukino-chan would pour tea and read in the living room, or watch movies. Occasionally, she would play piano.”

“Ohhh, that’s very Yukinon,” Yuigahama said.

Totsuka nodded as well. “I don’t think it’s anything to be super-embarrassed about. It’s elegant and cool.” It fit Yukinoshita’s image perfectly.

“Yeah, it comes off like something a fine young lady from a rich family would do. I think it fits you,” I said.

“I-is that so…? T-to me, it’s normal, so it’s hard to see it that way…” With everyone singing her praises, Yukinoshita twisted around uncomfortably. Her voice was calm, but she was blushing a little.

“That’s so wonderful!” Komachi said, and Haruno joined in, too.

“Right? But Yukino-chan is even more wonderful when she’s in her room.”

“Hold on right there. How do you know that? Stop, Haruno. Please stop.” Yukinoshita started getting more serious about putting a halt to this until she was all but begging. But I think her pleas just made Haruno want to keep going.

The ultimate grin on her face, Haruno continued gleefully. “When she’s in her room, she’ll cuddle a Ginnie the Grue pillow and search for cat videos online, and she’ll watch them like it’s the most serious thing.”

“…Agh.” Yukinoshita breathed a deep, utterly woeful sigh of mixed shame and grief.

“Uh, um, er, well, I guess…” Yuigahama tried to be considerate and smooth things over somehow.

Yukinoshita slowly lifted her head. Her eyes flashed open. “…Yes…well…even if I did, hypothetically…hypothetically…so what?” Seeing her straighten up and swell with pride was strangely awe-inspiring.

“Whoa…she fought back… That’s some ironclad emotional resilience,” I murmured.

“Ohhh. But if we’re talking about cats, then my brother also plays with our cat a lot at home. So maybe cats are kinda like a hobby for him, like Yukino.”

“What kind of hobby is that? The number-one recommendation of top breeders?”

Yukinoshita reacted to a certain word Komachi had said. “Cats…”

“H-Hikki! Dogs! Dogs are good, too!”

“Cats…”

“Dogs!”

Yukinoshita and Yuigahama glared at each other for a second. The two of them engaged in a silent battle of stares. And then, for some reason, their eyes turned to me.

“Cats, right, Hikigaya?!”

“Dogs, right, Hikki?!”

“Uh, um, don’t ask me… Also, Yukinoshita, you get way too intense about cat-related contests.”

Neither of them listened to me, instead repeating their own positions.

“Dogs!”

“…Cats.”

Watching them, Komachi and Haruno couldn’t hide their excitement and rose to their feet.

“Flaaame waaaar!”

“Beat her down, Yukino-chan!”

“And so the time has come for: My Classmates and Acquaintances Fight Too Much! commentated by Komachi Hikigaya. Cat lovers versus dog lovers clash in this dog fight— W-wait, is it a cat fight? Well, whatever! Cat and dog fight, ready, go!”

And then out of nowhere, a gong clanged.

“Ah! Hikki, you like Chiiba-kun, and he’s a dog! See, Hikki’s a dog person!”

“Hmm… I see.” It’s true—Chiiba-kun is a dog… He is a dog, right? If he is, I may not be able to deny that I am a dog person.

The commentators were excited to see my heart swayed a little.

“Ohhh, and a preemptive attack from Yui lands a critical hiiiit! Miss Hiratsuka, what’s your analysis of that attack?”

“Hmm, a cunning strategy to manipulate his love of Chiba.”

But Yukinoshita was not about to take this lying down. “Not bad, Yuigahama. But in order to walk a dog, one must go outside. So a shut-in like Hikigaya would be a cat lover, right?”

“Ngh, it’s true; I don’t leave the house very much, so I can’t argue…”

“And Yukino isn’t letting up, either! Her brilliant counter connects! What do you think of that, Haruno of the Yukino faction?”

“It’s very like her to lead her opponent into taking damage. As expected of my little sister.”

“All right! Neither side is relenting, and no one knows where this battle will go!”

The commentator and analyzers here are really just bullshitting… And why is my sister so into this? “Komachi, whose side are you on?”

“That’s a foolish question, Bro. Komachi is on your side.” Komachi gave a cute tee-hee.

She’s cute, but man, she kinda pisses me off…, I thought, shooting her a little glare, when I felt a couple of tiny tugs on my sleeve.

“Hachiman, Hachiman.”

Hearing my name, I turned around to see Totsuka. “Hmm? What is it, Totsuka?” I leaned close to him, and he practically whispered in my ear, “Rabbits.”

“Huh?” He was so cute, I hadn’t quite heard him.

But Komachi’s commentating helped me understand what he meant. “Whoops! And here, a third contestant, the rabbit faction, bursts in!”

“Rabbits, Hachiman, rabbits. They’re cute, too, you know?”

I wanted to say You’re way cuter, but it was not to be. Someone else appeared to prevent me.

“Th-that’s right, Hachiman! ’Tis always the role of a rabbit to invite you to a new world!”

Zaimokuza wasn’t entirely wrong.

“…Yeah, that’s true. All that cuteness just now nearly opened up a new world for me…”

“Indeed! Welcome to the Underground…”

“Stop it, Zaimokuza. Don’t whisper in my ear.” I could still feel his incredibly cool delivery in my ear, and it was a little gross.

While I was busy shooing Zaimokuza away, Totsuka was passionately lecturing on the appeal of rabbits. “You know, Hachiman, having a pet bunny is lots of fun. They’re so fluffy, they’re quiet, and their snoots are so wiggly when they eat!”

“Bunnies are great, Hachiman! In the name of the moon, they’ll punish you! And there’ll be more fan service, too!”

“It’s strange, Zaimokuza. When you say it, I like rabbits less.” Does he actually even like rabbits?

But now, unexpectedly, there were two people on the rabbit side. This new development made Komachi the commentator belt out even louder, “It looks like there’s been a tag in! And now this is almost like a battle royale!”

And then even the commentators got dragged into this factional dispute. “If this is going to be a tag-team fight…then I’m with the cats, I suppose,” said Miss Hiratsuka. “I’ve been thinking about getting one soon.”

“Shizuka-chan, that’s basically dooming yourself to lifelong singledom, you know?”

“Quickly! Someone hurry up and marry this woman!” Or else I’ll have to! Get a move on!

Now that Miss Hiratsuka had declared she was a cat person, Haruno considered the question. “Hmm. So you’re a cat person, Shizuka-chan? If I’m forced to choose, then dogs, I suppose. They’re loyal and always obedient.”

“Your reasoning is scaring me,” I muttered. How can she say stuff like that with such a brilliant smile?

The fruitless conflict went on.

“Dogs!” Yuigahama cried.

“Cats…,” Yukinoshita declared.

“Rabbits,” Totsuka said cutely.

“A three-way bloodbath! In the end, who will wear the shining crown of victory?!” Komachi riled them up, and all three of them looked at me.

“Hikigaya.” It was an order. I didn’t have a choice.

“Hikki.” Her tone sounded expectant.

“Hachiman…” His look inspired my protective instincts.

“Ngh! The ultimate three-way choice between cool, passion, and cute…”

“Come on, what’s your answer, Bro?!” Komachi pushed me to respond. If I didn’t answer now, this situation would inevitably turn disastrous. I could tell half-baked excuses would not be accepted.

So I have no choice but to steel myself, huh…?

“…I’m…going…w-with Totsuka…”

“Why name a person?!” Yuigahama demanded.

“Answer with the name of the animal,” added Yukinoshita.

The two of them got mad at me, so I corrected myself. “U-urk…rabbits.”

“Yay! Hachiman, let’s go see rabbits sometime!”

And then the gong rang, signaling curtain close.

“Aaand match over!” Komachi declared. “And the winner is Totsuka! Um, does this mean your hobby is Totsuka, Bro?”

“Aye, ’tis a good hobby!” Zaimokuza declared enthusiastically, for reasons unknown.

The battle over, once things were finally calmed down again, Haruno brought the conversation back to the beginning. “A good hobby… When you think about it, that’s kind of a hard one, huh? Hmm, I know a lot of people who are into cars and motorcycles…”

“But I don’t have a license,” I said.

“Yeah… There’s also photography or music.” Haruno offered a few more hobbies.

Yuigahama jumped on one of those. “Music! That’s kinda cool!”

“Listening to music is a hobby, too, but what you’re talking about, Yuigahama, is playing an instrument, right? I suppose the most familiar, classic instruments would be piano and guitar,” said Yukinoshita.

Komachi also recommended playing an instrument. “You should do one, too, Bro! Music is great!”

“Uh, no, I’m not gonna do that…and hey, can you even do anything like that?”

“I can! Komachi can sing and dance, and even sing and fight!”

“Huh? What the heck? That’s novel…”

Seriously, when did my little sister turn out this way…?

“It’d be cool if you played guitar or something!” Komachi was aggressive about this suggestion. It seemed this was her top choice.

But I did have an actual reason as to why I wouldn’t do it. “Naw. Now that I’m in my second year of high school, starting guitar this late would just be uncool.”

“I dunno…” Totsuka tilted his head doubtfully.

“No, it is, if you really think about it. Look, it comes off like you’re doing it because you want attention from girls.”

“I don’t think so, though…,” Yuigahama countered.

I decided to unleash my pet theory to overcome her argument. “It will! According to my personal research, eight times out of ten, the reason a middle school boy starts playing guitar is because he wants to get girls.”

“N-now that I think about it, we have a guitar at our house for some reason…,” Komachi suddenly realized.

Yes, she would also have seen it. “Exactly. It’s the manifestation of budding youth that I inherited from our father: the Hikigaya family guitar.”

“But I feel like I’ve never seen anyone play it…” Komachi trembled.

“Of course you haven’t. When a guy starts guitar because of girls, he’ll only consider playing in front of other people once he’s good enough.”

“An exemplar of someone who never improves,” Yukinoshita said, chagrined.

“Exactly. Those guys generally get discouraged when they can’t nail an F chord. Source: me.”

“Lame…” Yuigahama mumbled something or other.

But when something’s impossible, it’s just impossible. “I mean, holding down an F chord just can’t be done. It’s Fleming’s left-hand rule on the frets. Don’t you underestimate humanities types.”

Totally wrecked her argument. There was no longer a single reason standing as to why I should play guitar.

I basked in the glow of victory for a few moments, but Yuigahama just moaned. “Uuurgh… At this rate, we’ll never find a hobby for you, Hikki…”

“Hikigaya, you never fail to amaze,” said Yukinoshita. “No one is better than you at shooting down every idea from the get-go.”

“Huh? Th-this is my fault…? My personality is the reason I can’t find a hobby?” I-I’m starting to feel like a real waste of a human being…

When I started getting down on myself, Miss Hiratsuka said to me in a kindly chiding tone, “You don’t need to worry so deeply over it, Hikigaya. Hobbies aren’t something you force yourself to discover. Besides, starting something because other people want you to and joining in on fads are what you hate most, right?”

“Well, that’s true…”

“If you’re looking for something you want to do, you should just look around. There should be plenty of interesting things in your life now.”

I found myself actually touched. Will I find something like that one day? If I reexamine myself, will I find I already had what I was looking for all along? “Miss Hiratsuka…”

But Haruno cut in to our sentimental moment for some teasing. “Yeah, yeah, the world is brimming with excitement. For example…Shizuka-chan playing the bass. Hint, hint.”

“Haruno, don’t tease me. I just made a really great speech.”

“But that concert was great, huh? You were so cool,” Totsuka gushed.

But Komachi looked down in disappointment. “Awww, I went home, so I never got to see it.”

“What, you didn’t see it?” I said. “Well, I only caught the end.”

“Hachiman! Me too! I didn’t see it, either!”

“Yeah, yeah. Why are you trying to make yourself look cute here?” I casually ignored Zaimokuza.

“Komachi wants to hear it, too…,” my sister squeaked, sounding tormented. “I wanna hear Yui and Yukino singing!”

“Yeah, yeah!” Haruno agreed. “I’d love to see that side of Yukino-chan!”

“Absolutely not,” Yukinoshita refused.

Yuigahama didn’t seem into it, either, expressing a negative opinion. “I had fun, but it really was embarrassing.”

“Besides, I doubt there’ll be any more opportunities for us to perform,” Miss Hiratsuka agreed.

Haruno gave us all a mischievous grin. “Oh, if that’s the issue, we’re good.”

“Huh?” Yuigahama and Miss Hiratsuka both said at once.

Our footsteps echoed through the silent venue.

Yuigahama, walking in front of me, looked around. “Looks like the after-party’s over. Everyone’s gone home.”

“Yeah, it’s all cleaned up. Is this where they had it?” I asked.

Yuigahama spun around to face me. “Yep, yep,” she replied.

“Oh, but the stage is still set up.” Just as Totsuka said, the instruments were arranged onstage.

“That was because I went and asked them to leave them for us.” Haruno, coming in after us, strolled toward the platform.

Yukinoshita, following after her, asked, “Haruno, what’s this about?”

“Hmm? Oh, we used to hang out here a lot. I just called upon my connections.” Haruno got up onstage and twanged some instruments for a quick test. “Yeah, there’s no problem with the settings on these. See? This is for you guys.” She came down and returned to Yukinoshita.

“If you’ve gone to all this trouble, then I guess we have to… I’ll do it!” Miss Hiratsuka headed for the stage with a new fire burning in her.

Yukinoshita gazed at it from a distance and softly whined, “Why me, too…?”

Haruno smirked. “My, my. You’re so nervous now that Hikigaya is watching that you can’t do it?”

“What are you talking about? I can hardly think of another boy who looks so unperturbed. No one could feel nervous, looking at that.”

“Oh? Well, it’s true; he does calm your nerves.”

“I feel like you mean something else by that phrasing…”

“Now, now, let’s just get ready, Yukino-chan.”

“You don’t have to pull me; I’ll go. Agh…”

Haruno dragged her younger sister up onto the stage, and little by little, they got things ready.

Watching, Totsuka couldn’t seem to hide his anticipation. “Wow, I’m kind of excited. There’s nothing like that feeling before a live show starts.”

“Right?! It’s funny how you get more and more pumped even when nothing is happening,” Komachi replied, looking equally giddy.

Meanwhile, someone else was getting himself stimulated in a rather different way: Zaimokuza. “Oh-ho! They are indeed remarkable! I love, love live shows, too! Love live! Hey! Someone bring me a set of glow sticks and a glow stick bandolier!”

“That’s getting a little too prepared…” I sighed.

“I-is there a regulation length for modified electric glow sticks?!”

“I dunno… Ask the management.” I can’t deal with this guy… I separated from the three of them and walked to the rear of the venue.

Zaimokuza’s called after me. “Oh-ho! Hachiman? What’s wrong? Where are you going?”

“I always watch from the very back. Like at a movie theater or whatever.” I continued all the way to the back wall and leaned against it.

All I could hear was tuning strings and test bangs on drums in the distance. The venue was quiet—and then came the slow approach of footsteps.

When I noticed, I looked over to see Yuigahama.

“Hikki.”

“Yuigahama? What’s up? You don’t have to set up?”

“Oh, no. Since I don’t play an instrument. U-um, Hikki, you said you weren’t really watching our show during the cultural festival, right…?”

“Hmm? Yeah,” I replied.

Yuigahama paused for a couple of slow breaths, then slowly put the words together. “Oh… This time, really watch, okay?”

“Well, I can’t really pretend I’m not at this point… But I am.” I couldn’t pretend forever that I wasn’t watching. And anyway, I had the feeling that, soon, I would be able to face her properly.

It wasn’t like I’d go to the trouble of saying it out aloud now. That was the most I could say at the moment.

“Yeah. A-and, you know…I’m paying attention to you, too!” Though slow and faltering, she nevertheless managed to express herself honestly, and this was probably the best she could do right now.

Then she escaped to the stage at a run.

“…Ah, hey…you don’t have to say that and bolt,” I muttered, even though I didn’t have the words to give her a decent reply.

The mikes onstage just barely picked up their voices, so I could hear them.

“Sorry to make you wait! Oh, Yukinon, I still only kinda remember the lyrics. For all intensive purposes.”

“It’s intents and purposes.”

Watching their characteristic banter, Haruno smiled. “It’s okay, Gahama-chan. Yukino-chan will be singing, too.”

“If that’s what you think, you’re sorely mistaken. Letting someone constantly lean on you won’t help them, in the end.” Yukinoshita’s posture was grumpy, but I knew she’d help Yuigahama out again, in her own way.

I think Miss Hiratsuka could see right through her, too. She was grinning. “Come on, now. Just sing together, you two. Belt it out there loud enough to reach the very back of the hall,” she said, then looked to the back wall. The two girls followed her gaze to me, too.

“Agh…”

“…Will do!” they replied—Yukinoshita reluctantly and Yuigahama cheerfully.

“Oh, it looks like they’re done setting up,” said Totsuka.

“Yaaay! I’ve been waiting for this!” said Komachi. The two of them cheered up a storm, and in the edge of my vision, I saw Zaimokuza with a glow stick, flailing about wildly with his upper body.

I leaned against the wall and looked at the stage.

I did say I’d watch after all.

And then the curtain rose onstage.

And so another festival had concluded, and what was done was done.

Whether it be fireworks or a rocket, once you fire something up, it generally doesn’t come back. But just as fireworks become memories and rockets become stars, something is left behind. So for some reason or another, I pulled out that guitar and started fiddling with it. It wasn’t like anything specific had changed in me. I just sorta happened to do it.

But as I plucked away on the guitar, the door to my room was suddenly thrown open.

“Bro, quit twanging on that thing! Shut up!” Komachi cried, and then immediately, she closed the door again.

And I was left there frozen, holding the guitar and looking kind of dumb.

“You’re the one who said I should have a hobby… Agh, I give up…”



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