Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Come wa Machigatte Iru - Volume 13 - Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Deeply, Hiratsuka Shizuka Reminisces the Past

Countless, countless times have I turned back my head.

Yet every step moves out without stopping.

Let my heartbeat accelerate , let my breathing fall out of place, and refused to wipe off the accumulating sweat.

If I don't do this, every small detail might just become my excuse to stop. Yet this doesn't stop me from looking back again and again, how disgusting.

That image of a single drop of tear right before we parted refuses to leave my head.

The remaining traces of rainwater on the road, looks identical to the trace on her cheeks. The puddles of water my running feet tries to avoid, the unnatural disrupted footwork, every step screams, urging me to turn back.

But what can going back do for me, what should I say to do anything about the situation.

No, there is a solution lying somewhere in my heart. Yet my legs refuses to decide on any option, repeating its mechanical yet unnatural movement.

Even if a standard option exists, that isn't mine, that can't be our answer.

The sun slowly falls into the horizon, turning itself crimson red.

The shadows of houses elongate, to the point they seem so close to blending in with the darkness from the faraway twilight. Refusing to be swallowed by this darkness, I continued to run forward.

Every step felt solid, yet thoughts are floating with no direction.

Thinking about what that drop of tears meant, my thoughts fall deep, to the point of witnessing every reason possible, however no conclusion could be made out of them, and all clues were found only to be left behind.

Just like everything that happened, just like how everything has been done.

The path leads straight towards the sea.

The chilling seabreeze slips into the gaps of my coat and muffler, stabs my burning face, reminding it of stiffness.

The cold continues to linger, yet sweat continues to drop. Removing the scarf wrapped up on my neck, only makes me feel that a part of my body is being binded.

Whatever that was stuck within my chest gets exhaled out as I struggle to regain my breath.

Despite my anxiousness, as if something is grabbing onto my hair, my footsteps start to slow down.

Being lucky enough to run into a red light, I take a deep breath as my hands rest on my ankles.

Running to escape something, being followed up at the moment I stopped.

The meaning behind that tear, the weight within those words, they are all questioning, they are all criticizing.

Reassuring me that I was wrong.

In front of my glaring eyes, stands an old traffic light that refuses to be replaced with.

Its blackened blood that screams of illness suddenly disappeared.

Time to start running again.

Releasing a sigh that sounded so similar to a shriek, I straighten up my body and started stepping.

Towards that deep, dark green light that signals us to move forward.

1-2

As I reached school and entered the campus.

My thoughts started to calm down.

To the point where those sad yet gentle words are echoing clearer than before.

From the moment I picked up the phone call till now, have been thinking, have been running around in circles.

Words that have been said, words that could have been said.

What should've been shaped solid, seemed as ambiguous as it had always been. What I have sealed up without a second thought, refusing to take a closer look at it.

If that is the case, what weight does my words even hold? Probably, the only reason Hiratsuka sensei purposely made me speak out, is because this is the last time I have a chance to do so.

Sensing that the time of parting is approaching, I looked up at the twilight that filled up the entire sky.

Reaching to the doorstep of the staff room, my hand that was about to knock on the door, suddenly held back.

Teasing at the fear I'm feeling right now, I let out a sigh.

But I can't stand here forever.

Because she won't either.

Hiratsuka sensei will one day leave us.

I never knew that, thus I never tried to prove anything, to show her any results.

But the one thing I can do, is to not show her this embarrassing side of me, this is the one thing I should do.

After another sigh, I knocked twice on the door before entering the staff room.

My eyes swayed naturally towards that one position I have always looked at.

On that place, sat Hiratsuka sensei.

She seems to be working on documentations.

That familiar figure works relentlessly facing her desk, her long hair that sways from time to time, the slight rotation on her shoulders seemed like her trying to relax them.

The backview of her working seriously felt refreshing, and staring at it doesn't feel boring, I didn't feel like bothering her by this moment, thus I didn't called out to her immediately.

Actually, there are some lies, a lot of lies within this thought of mine.

I refuse to witness the end of this never ending daily life, which is why I didn't call out to her.

Losing someone also means that the scenery, the moments that I've always took for granted will leave me too, something that took me so long to realize.

Hoping to take a closer look, I carefully moved towards her, trying not to make a single sound, while trying to recall how I've always started our conversation,

But she spoke right before me:

"Sorry, give me a few more minutes."

As if she already knew of my presence without making sure, Hiratsuka sensei pointed at the deeper parts of the staff room, the spot where we always had our conversations.

Her tone sounded like how its always been, so I replied briefly:

"Alright."

"Umu."

With her head still facing the desk, she put a halt to our small talk.

As I moved towards the discussion room, the lingering smell of cigarette smoke reminds me that, the first time I came here for the keys of the clubroom, I also had a talk with Hiratsuka sensei here. I recalled her weird expression she gave when she asked me to stay for another while, perhaps she felt lonely during that time.

That time I didn't knew that she was going to be shifted away.

I've been living a life where I've never been close with any teachers.

So this is probably the first time, that I have to witness a teacher I truly appreciate is about to leave right in front of me.

Sitting in the conversation room doesn't feel assuring, not being to see what Hiratsuka sensei is doing. The curtains that divide this room from the others give off a sense of dead silence, chipping my patient away bit by bit.

The brief noises made by the janitor and the ringing of phones reminds me the flow of time. The skies outside are turning dark too.

After staring outside the window for some time, I heard a knocking sound on the wall, as I looked around, Hiratsuka sensei is already standing in the room.

"Sorry for keeping you waiting."

"Ah, its fine....."

Her smile seemed so weak that its giving off a sense of loneliness, making me unable to joke or grunt about all the waiting.

Her presence acted like a block of solid air that fills up the discussion area, the rumbling noise from the staff room feels nonexistent all of a sudden, as if she created an isolated space for us alone.

Only the sounds of leather could be heard as she sat on the sofa in front of me.

"So, where do we start from..."

Hiratsuka didn't continue speaking, instead she placed a can of that familiar, sugar saturated coffee on the table, and pushed it gently towards me.

I don't feel thirsty, so I shook my head. She handed over the black coffee on her other hand.

Guess I don't have a choice, so I chosen the coffee I'm familiar with.

Holding the coffee in my hands, I silently waited for Hiratsuka to say something.

But I'm instead replied with the regular tempo of knocking sounds.

Hiratsuka took out a cigarette, hitting its tip on the table, I recall that this was done to sort out the tobacco in it, but now it seemed like she was trying to sort out something else.

She then lit up the cigarette. The laminar flow of smoke starts to waver in turbulence as it goes up, the surroundings are filled with the fragrance of tar.

I don't live in an environment with a lot of smokers. So I guess this fragrance will eventually vanish. And someday when I smelled tar, I'll remember of her, until someday where she completely fades from my memories.

To conceal this sudden thought that I have, I started to talk:

"For now, lets talk about the prom......."

I ran all the way back here to know more about this , yet I made myself sound like I have something else to say.

Hiratsuka sensei seemed to realize this, but still nodded her head in agreement.

"Sure......"

She applied more force onto the still long cigarette until it was put off, made a short sigh and continued:

"From what I'm seeing right now, the school is currently reviewing towards the direction of cancelling the graduation prom."

"Reviewing, huh."

"Yes, they haven't come to a final decision, but its expected that the school won't change its attitude towards the matter, which is why they'll most probably request its organizers to perform self restraint." 

As Hiratsuka's narrates this inevitable truth with her calm and composed tone, I intercepted:

"I'm assuming that 'self restraint' was simply a statement, but what it really meant is to cancel the event?"

"Both the school and also the board are taking on a subtle position. It was the school that approved the prom in the first place, so they can't just call it off. Which is why they compromised by giving the order of self restraint."

"But didn't we..."

Hiratsuka sensei is giving off a bitter expression. Which reminds me that she most probably already discussed with Yukinoshita and the others over this matter. Revolving around the same issue won't get us anywhere, so I decided to ask something different.

"But your opinion is different from what the school thinks, isn't it?"

"Yes, I believe that we can achieve a common ground through further discussions with the related parties, but..."

Hiratsuka didn't continue, but I'm able to guess what's the determining factor to the current situation.

The promotional video of the graduation prom that sparked uncertainties within the hearts of the parents, Yukinoshita's mother, who represented the parental board a few days ago, and their concerns that stemmed from the various issues of graduation proms in foreign countries. 

These factors combined, are enough for the school to decide on cancelling the prom.

"...Well, from the fact that came all the way here just to express their opinions, its not really surprising that things are how it is right now."

"Indeed. The situation has grew beyond my level of responsibility and authority, and my opinions can only be treated as the school's reference. Sigh, the sadness of being a lowly civil servant."

Just as what she said. Not just the teachers, even graduating students like me and everyone else in the lower hierarchy of the system. None of our opinions will be taken seriously by the school authorities.

Forcefully achieve an equilibrium between each parties involved, have the weaker side put down their weapons, and expecting things to conclude without creating a huge storm.

'Self restrain' is indeed an appropriate term to use.

"Having a job is the worst, after all."

"Not if you're working at the top, you have the freedom to do anything you want."

We joked over the matter with a dead smile. But these jokes aren't wrong either. In the end of the day, we're just puppets being played by the will of those with authority.

On this matter, Yukinoshita's mother is one holds the authority, a shadow ruler who has the school within her clutches.

For such a figure to purposely come over, and requesting for a discussion with the school's administration.

How trivial the topic is doesn't matter, just by seeing Mrs Yukinoshita to show such concern, is enough to make everyone to treat the matter in a superficial way.

Her true intentions is irrelevant, as what the others observed is merely the nature of the act.

Even if Mrs Yukinoshita only came here 'to discuss','to inquire', for a person with such a status to be here, is enough for others to feel pressured, enough to create an atmosphere for people to have wonders.

For example when two important figures having pleasant tea break together, outsiders will feel suspicious towards the context of their chat within the private room, ending up with the formation of such an atmosphere, where people will try to please the said important figures as much as possible.

This occurs in our daily lives to, the cliched "please try to read the atmosphere oh god" dialogue is one of its products, where they speculate over unclear, ambiguous info, and treating such an act as a virtue.

Its an unenlightened method of adjusting things, yet it tends to create peace. Within schools, neighborhoods, workplaces, and even within social groups to an extent, being able to adhere to these unspoken rules is a necessary communication skill.

But then again isn't reading the atmosphere too much of a forceful demand? Expecting the man to always be the one to take the initiative to ask for one's contact method or to invite someone out, and this magical rule where the third date will be sufficient to create an atmosphere suitable for confessing. What is this down triangle spam [1] lookalike ? It just counters Zangief so much, its kinda unfair? Even if its not used against Zangief its still goddamn strong!

The same communication skill applies even on most friend circles, when one of them started saying stuff like: "Isn't that person acting a little strange lately?" "He wasn't such a dick before." , then everyone suddenly thinks so hard like they're Habu Yoshiharu playing mind games in his shogi match [2]. And boom, the center of discussion suddenly got isolated without even realizing it.

In such an unfair shogi battle matchup, if you can't figure a way to get a 14 hand to escape, even Hokkaido chicken fritters [3] will end up becoming roasted chicken [4].

Since every group have a set of their own rules, one has to carefully observe these signals, go along the flow, and get used to these rules. Or you'll end up like me, one who failed to adjust to these rules, kindergarden primary school secondary school high school cram school workplace, getting isolated in all these places. Ah, I'm truly the Eternal Seven Loner [5] , oh hey I'll most probably get an eight consecutive champion in college too, yay!

Life is truly a big game of shogi.

(Ref 5: "Eternal Seven Loner" in Japanese is a pun that sounds similar to Habu Yoshiharu)

Thanks to being constantly judged over my ability to read the atmosphere, even if I can't read it, I'm still aware of its importance.

Which is why I can't say much about the school's judgement. One can label such an act with 'bureaucratic collusion', but if I'm put in the same position as the school's authorities, I'll probably make the exact same decision. It's just too much of a pain to fight against the atmosphere.

"So that's how it is huh......"

I said this with a convinced yet dejected voice, as I unconsciously looked towards the ceiling above. Is it because I'm showing a defeated face? Hiratsuka sensei pushed the can of coffee that I had yet to take a single sip closer to me, I nodded gently to express my gratitude. 

I started reorganizing my thoughts while pulling the can opener.

For now, it seems impossible to overturn the school's decision.

A problem wouldn't exist as long as we don't view it as one. But when the existence of a problem is established, its also a wiser choice to not try smashing a rock using an egg if we're trying to solve the problem efficiently.

Its clear that, the prom is currently facing a life or death situation.

For the time being, only the student council, a small group of parents, and the school is aware of the self restrain order. If the news starts to spread among the students and the rest of the parents, the opposition will gain more momentum as more individuals join in the mob.

Staying out of this will only make the situation harder, but there are no effective methods to solve it either.

"Isn't this already a checkmate..."

I followed up this statement with a weak laugh.

At this moment, my eyes fell in line with Hiratsuka sensei's. Her eyes are giving off a slightly warm sensation, as if she has been silently waiting for my reaction, benching her elbows onto her knees, uncrossing her fingers: "As expected, you still want to make the prom a reality." she said in a speed slower than usual.

Remembering of her question during the phone call, suddenly I'm at a loss of words.

Hiratsuka sensei's tone sounded really soft, with no intention to reprimand me at all. However I still can't bring up a proper answer, as I still had second thoughts on whether it is right to be further involved with the graduation prom. That reckless remark I made during the phone call made me felt a little ashamed too. But what has been said has been said, and it pointless to try and deny that.

Thus, I nodded my head once as if its simply responding to gravity, it probably looked more like I'm feeling down.

"I don't know if this is correct......"

Words without a proper direction wriggled out of my indecisive mouth. That one term that flashed through my mind made it sounded even weaker.

'Codependency'.

Yukinoshita Haruno's definition towards our relationship, felt completely true, and I can't find any solid proof to defend against that statement.

My voice slowly fades out, and my eyesight slowly moves down.

As I blankly stared at the aged cracks on the floor, Hiratsuka switched up the position of her crossing legs.

"Well yes, Yukinoshita doesn't want you to interfere after all."

As I looked up at Hiratsuka sensei, her eyes are filled with complete seriousness.

I recalled that moment where Yukinoshita told me not to get further involved. Hiratsuka sensei was there too when she is doing that monologue. Which is why Hiratsuka is telling me this. Now that I think of it, Yukinoshita also didn't want me to know that the prom was going to be cancelled. I have an idea of what she's thinking, but perhaps Hiratsuka sensei knows more on the reason that Yukinoshita is hiding it from me.

Being unsure of whether I'm able to be involved without getting noticed, I reacted towards the question with a light smile.

The tight sensation on my rarely used facial muscles tells me that, I'm probably making a really bitter smile.

To be honest, there's no doubt that things will only get more and more troublesome, just imagining all the directionless talk I'll have with her is making me feel depressed, and what ever conclusion that awaits us won't be anything good either. Even so, what has been decided has been decided, that I can't leave this situation alone. Thus I continued to smile.

Looking at this fake smile I'm holding up, Hiratsuka's eyes slowly became gentle, a slight curve showed up on her lips.

"......Its your move, then."

"Well yeah, its not my first day not being expected of anything."

Like I've always had, making unnecessary actions, the bad habit that I can't seem to get rid of immediately.

Hearing that, Hiratsuka sensei blinked a few times as if she's in shock, and then started to laugh uncontrollably while covering her mouth.

She's laughing a little too delightfully, that I had to raise my eyebrows as a protest, Hiratsuka then made a soft cough to hold in her smile.

"Ahaha, sorry...I just felt very happy, you know."

She expression then turned slightly worried.

"But Yukinoshita is trying really hard to change something. I'm personally rooting for her so...I can't say that helping her without proper thought is a good idea. As it might turn up to be an obstruction to her growth. Especially when there's too much to think of like where we're at now."

Her eyesight slowly turns towards me, her expression where she's struggling to tell me something speaks for her concern towards Yukinoshita.

Hachiman: "You know, whatever codependency is......doesn't it sound like an overstatement? More accurately, it feels like a misunderstanding more than anything."

"Well, yes...while I don't believe that its codependency, but what's more important is what viewpoint you decide to take. If your feelings are biased towards it, then no words will clear that up for you."

"......Yes."

I have experienced such stubbornness, more accurately, I once clinged on to such stubbornness.

No matter how I console myself, its still not easy to give up this life that is as entangled and blurred like a cotton candy, thousands of carefully fabricated words aren't enough to cover up this monster of self conscious within me. Which is why now, that monster of self consciousness still lurks within me, staring from behind.

This made me realize that, one can't simply brush off how they view themselves. I believe that its that same for Yukinoshita. Codependency, no matter if it is the truth or not, at least Yukinoshita has bounded herself to believe in such an idea. No matter how hard we try to deny it, she probably won't believe in us.

"Haruno isn't completely wrong either. For Yukinoshita, this is an important trial that she has to overcome."

"A trial huh..."

I repeated this term that I rarely hear of, which Hiratsuka nodded in confirmation.

"Well, you can say that this is a ceremony too."

She then lit up another cigarette. Took a deeper breath from it, and exhaled out a slow thread of smoke.

"Do you find it ridiculous?"

"No, not really......" I replied while shaking my head: "this situation does seems to happen sometimes."

"Well yes, things like this happens all the time. From getting the results for your music or manga entry, to competing in a sports event, participating the auditions of a singing contest, taking an exam or starting your career, even getting......that before your thirties is no different. There will always be that one period where you'll have to face yourself honestly."

Her view that lands somewhere far outside the window, and her bittersweet tone made it sound like that she is reminiscing her own past.

"Has this ever occurred to...you before?"

"Yes, of course."

She answered me with a gentle smile, Hiratsuka sensei took another sip of the cigarette. As she released a short puff of smoke, her iris dilated as if some of the smoke has diffused deep into her lungs. 

"There were a lot of things that I wanted to do in the past. There are also a lot of things that I can't do, and things I didn't wanted to do. A series of making choices, attempting, failing, giving up, and making a new choice, a cycle of events that never stops...even till now."

Her words swayed lonely in the air along the swaying smoke.

I have no idea what kind of past has she experienced to speak of such things, but they're a proof that the Hiratsuka sensei, this refined woman sitting in front of me, is a product of the numerous attempts and challenges she has faced.

We have always sought for definitive proof that we can survive by ourselves, by gaining confidence, by building results. There won't be anyone who is willing to guarantee that for us, even if there's a guarantee, it will only be meaningless if we refuse to believe in these guarantees. Which is why we have such desires to prove ourselves.

'Is it really correct to interfere with Yukinoshita's decision and resolve.' I recalled this question that Yukinoshita Haruno asked me not long ago.

To choose, to challenge, to win or lose, these are something that she alone has to face. Will she allow anyone else to be involved in it? What identity and relationship I must have with her to be able to intervene? I have yet to find any answers.

Hiratsuka tapped on the cigarette a few times to clean off the tobacco ash, and stared at me behind a veil of white smoke.

"Let me ask you this one more time, how do you plan to talk to her, really?"

She asked about a major issue that I'm hesitating with.

She is certainly looking for my confirmation for one last time.

I started to think carefully about what to say next, as I can't continue to make any more lies at this moment.

"......I don't think that there is an option to not communicate with her."

My answer during the phone call has not changed.

And I won't repeat it for a second time, my thoughts and determination are not frivolous.

There's no need for consideration either, I have already made a choice, and the conclusion has always been there.

Yukinoshita's will has nothing to do with how I should act.

As it has always been, I do not know any other methods available, the option I can take has only been that one single option. Attempting any other approach has never gone well for me. The more I try to avoid making mistakes the further I stray away from the right path.

Which is why, I'll use the only method that I have. 

In reply to Hiratsuka's serious, intimidating glance, I looked back at her with my dead, rotten eyes, refusing to avert my line of view.

Hiratsuka sensei then made a satisfied smile.

"I see."

She gently smiled with her eyes closed. The way she nodded in approval made me unsure of how to react.

As I felt the pressure slowly turning into a gentle sensation, I ended up loosening my mind to the point of saying unnnecessary things:

"Wait, 'I see'? That's it? "

"Yes, that shall suffice. I have faith in you Hikigaya."

Said Hiratsuka sensei without any hesitation.

"Uhm, thanks."

To hear her say this in such a direct way that felt like she's stating a simple fact, I can't even find myself to feel shy about it. I thanked her in a low voice as I nodded down in order to hide my heating cheeks.

But it seems that I didn't hide it properly, as I heard her giggling.

"Listen up Hikigaya, just helping out the prom won't be enough to help her. You'll have to take proper measures in what methods you use. You already knew this, didn't you."

I nodded.

She definitely won't accept my offer to help if I don't think of the appropriate words to use.

Just making the prom happen won't be enough either. To present Yukinoshita's ability as an individual, to help her become independent is something that needs to be worked on too.

Like the old saying of how teaching someone to fish is better than giving them fish. Its better for Yukinoshita to save herself, but I have yet to find a way to achieve all of these objectives.

It took me a while to realize that I've been scratching my head the whole time.

"Its definitely harder than it seemed to be......"

"Yes, its hard alright......especially for your kind of situation."

Hiratsuka took another mouthful of cigarette smoke, and blew out streams of smoke from both edges of her mouth.

"I know right, our relationship only started because one of us needed help from others. And now our wills seem to be clashing with their polar opposites."

I then crossed my fingers to form an X shape.

Hiratsuka shrugged speechlessly and asked: "Really now. How do you think you guys managed to pull it through before this?"

"How did we made it through, huh....."

I actually had no idea, all I can remember is me doing things that hardly mattered in the end.

Looking at my confused expression, Hiratsuka sensei clutched her fists, walked towards me and started doing air punches. P...please don't do that, she's gonna punch me really hard and then treat me very nicely, make me fall for her from the treatment contrast, the perfect script to create a masochist, oh god......

She made a victorious smile upon seeing my frightened face.

"When the ideals of two heroes of justice start to clash, neither of them will surrender without a fight."

Her dialogue made me feel nostalgic, even if I have forgotten when was the first time I heard of it.

"Oh......this brings back memories."

"I know right?"

Hiratsuka sensei replied in a joking tone.

But her smile only lasted for an instant.

The sides of her mouth are still curving up, but her lonesome eyes started looking into the realm of nothingness.

"This really...brings back a lot of memories..."

This dialogue that seemed to come out without her realizing it, is not meant for me, but her speaking to herself.

While I let Hiratsuka to have her own moment, I turned my neck left and right to relax my head a bit. Even if we both felt nostalgic, her current feelings are contextually different from mine, so I kept quiet.

The silence however didn't last long, as Hiratsuka sensei continued speaking:

"Its not the first day you two have different opinions isn't it? But you all managed to overcome such situations, to have faith in what you have gained from those past experiences, is my suggestion to you."

"Yeah...I'll try." I replied her with a gentle smile.

She does not wish to be assisted, but I can't avoid communicating with her either. Which is why a new way of communication has to be sought. Reviewing my past experiences gave me a vague yet solid answer.

Seeing me nodding in enlightenment, Hiratsuka smiled in satisfaction:

"Now that you came up with a clearer guideline, I think its time to go meet up with her, Yukinoshita should still be in the student council room right now, go." 

"Yes, I'll be leaving th...wait, one last thing I wanted to ask you."

As I was about to stand up, I remembered of something that I was curious of since the beginning of the conversation.

"Hmm?"

Hiratsuka sensei tilted her head, and made a childish smile that hardly fits her current age. My expression I'm having right now seemed more sinister in comparison:

"So in the end of the day, the prom's organizers only need to perform self restraint , isn't it?"

"...I was asked with the same question not long ago."

The way Hiratsuka said it tells me that, Yukinoshita and the others have no intent to give up on the graduation prom. In fact , they already came up with this conclusion right before me.

Hiratsuka sensei closed her eyes, and then let up a deep sigh as if she gave up struggling. Took another mouthful of smoke, and then released them as she looked towards a distant place within the scenery outside.

I know that her actions indicate that she has acquiesced with our ideas. While I felt grateful to Hiratsuka sensei, it also left me worried about the consequences.

"But if we continued doing this, wouldn't it put you in a very risky situation?"

If unwanted events occurred during the process, she'll have to take full responsibility for our mess. I'm not sure what kind of punishment the school authorities will impose onto her, but she'll definitely end up being judged by both concerned and unconcerned parties. Lynches that goes with the name of social justice are pretty common after all.

But Hiratsuka sensei simply shrugged, and said with a playful tone:

"By the time anything happens I won't be around anyways, I don't care about what happens after I'm gone."

"Ahaha, said it like a typical modern youngster."

"Of course, I am a modern youngster after all."

In protest to my comment. She tapped on the table for a times as she adjusted her tone to sound like a youngster. Her joke made me start to laugh out of control.

"Even if things did came down to the worst, I'm only gonna lose my job. Its no big deal, just do whatever you want."

Hiratsuka continued to joke around, tapping her throat with a handknife.

"Eh......nah I can't just do that...."

Don't just bet your career over it. This pressures me so hard, that my lifespan is shortening like mad girl.

"Don't mind me, its just a joke. My wits are stronger than you thing, if I really lost my job, I'm just gonna get married, if I find one who's willing to, that is."

Her fingers slides across her hair, as she starts to laughs ironically.

I can't get myself to laugh over this matter, yet I ended up laughing softly and said:

"You'll be fine."

"What, you plan to marry me someday?"

Hiratsuka reacted almost instantaneously with a shocked face. Wait what no? She's too precious for me to own! So someone please, before I change my mind, please marry her now!

As I was thinking on how to reply her, she stared at me with her big round eyes like an abandoned labrador. Ah, large canines are just so cute......but wait, I already have a cat in my house. So I shook my head in embarassment.

"Actually I don't have plans to deal with the situation with chaotic methods......I think."

I said it without sounding too confident.

We're in a really unfavorable situation. Trying to achieve a mutual agreement with Yukinoshita is going to be a challenge too.

But even if I'm aware that we haven't obtained the win condition, I still have to sound optimistic, or else Doraemon can't go back to the future in peace...

I tried to smile as much as possible to cover up my facade. And so, Hiratsuka stared at me silently.

"......So reliable."

Like a person watching a car leaving into the distance, she closed her eyes slowly, and said it in a gentle voice.

Hearing that made me blush for a moment, without realizing it, I tured my head away while touching my hair. 

I made big words that hardly suits someone of my identity.

Being aware that I should also make sure that my methods won't cause Hiratsuka sensei to be affected to its consequences, the difficulty of the situation seemed to has increase a little more than the hard mode it already is.

Even so, this made me sense a glimpse of light within the situation.

If the process is handled properly, there won't be any situation where Hiratsuka sensei will have to take responsibility for us. Well yeah, probably, it better be.

Sigh, but then again I should really prepare myself to explain to my parents, on why would I marry a woman who's about ten years older than me. 

Anyway, now that my course of action has been decided. Since there's nothing more for us to speak of. The both of us remained silent.

Within the few seconds of silence, I swallowed down the rest of the sweet coffee, and stood up getting ready to leave. Picked up my school bag and coat that was put aside, leaving everything else in the room.

"I'm going."

"Umu."

I made a short goodbye, which she replied with a nod.

Our chat has now come to an end, on the timing that I think is most appropriate.

But just as I was about to walk out of the room, I heard her voice coming from behind:

"Hikigaya."

I did not look back, but I don't plan on ignoring her call either, so I halted.

"I'm sorry......that I can't bring myself to say it."

I'm unable to see Hiratsuka sensei's expression at this moment, yet its not hard to imagine the way she's looking onto the floor sadly, because its the same expression I'm having right now.

As I tried to say something, the bitterness of the coffee that should've been completely swallowed rose back up, and my throat is blocked by the strong scent of condensed milk.

I reacted by forcing the coffee back into my stomach, along with the words that I wanted to say.

"Cough....no, you don't have to apologize."

Turned my head over my shoulders, and with the properly prepared smiling face, I continued saying:

"There's nothing that we can do about, that's just how jobs work. I understand that your position doesn't allow you to talk about it. And its not like your transfer has been decided yet right?"

I tried to say it in the most fluent and natural way possible. But Hikagaya Hachiman was never a bright cheerful person to begin with, which made it sound blank and insincere instead.

Hiratsuka sensei acted as if she isn't bothered by it, and continued to say while looking down.

"Well yeah, the official dismissal letter haven't been given yet."

To not speak about things that haven't been officially announced. This is a rule that comes along with the job position.

But deep down, we're both aware that this is merely an excuse. Yet this is an actual existing rule that must not be broken.

Which is why we decided to accept and compromise. No malicious or virtuous will exists behind her decision, she is simply complying with the rules. Because we're aware of such a rule, there is nothing that we can do about it, except for accepting it with a smile.

"But its gonna be really embarrassing if I don't have to leave in the end. Ahahaha...."

Said Hiratsuka sensei as she followed with a laugh while stroking her hair.

"Isn't that so? Hahaha..."

I laughed too, and I started to feel a little more relaxed.

But that couldn't make the emptiness to leave me.

I am well aware of it.

Making jokes won't change anything, in fact the act of joking itself will eventually turn stale, and verbal conversation can only serve to disguise ourselves.

But all things will come to an end eventually.

Our conversation has came to an end too.

"I'm going, then."

"Yes, do your best."

I took a slight bow, as I walked out of the room, the flickering sounds of a flame being lit up could be heard from behind.

Along with a short sigh.

Hiratsuka sensei will be working in the staff room for another while, I guess.

I then closed the door to the staff room.