8
Even so, Hayato Hayama can’t make a choice.
It was the morning of the third day of the field trip.
We were allowed to wander around independently today. We could all spend the time as we pleased, with or without our classes or groups. We could be with club friends, or girlfriends and boyfriends. We weren’t confined to Kyoto city, either—we could go out to Osaka or Nara. Since it was a free day, anything was okay. Of course, so was being alone.
Perhaps the way this drained me of anxiety was what had helped me sleep so hard.
I did remember Totsuka shaking me awake at some point, but my faint memories seemed to tell me I’d said Go on without me. I’ll catch up soon like a super-badass.
As a result, the Hayama, Tobe, and Totsuka trio went to have breakfast without me, and I spent a short time getting some extra sleep.
But I couldn’t sleep forever—partly because I would miss breakfast, but also because we were staying at a different hotel for the evening of the third day. So I had to pack up my bag and put it in the lobby so they could carry it off.
I said my farewells to my beloved little futon that so craved my indolence and got up to dress myself. I washed my face and threw on some random clothes and packed my bag while I was at it.
…Right, now I just had to eat, and then once I came back to the room, I could leave immediately. Figuring I’d eat breakfast first, I left the room with a yawn.
“Morning, Hikki.”
“Uh-huh.” The corners of my mind were still occupied by sleepiness, so I didn’t really question the fact that Yuigahama was in front of the door.
“Come on! Let’s go!”
She’s sure awake for so early in the morning. “Yeah, breakfast… It was in the big hall, right? On the second floor?”
“No, no, we canceled breakfast.”
“Oh, it’s canceled… What?” The unfamiliar word made me finally wake up. What did she mean, breakfast was canceled? This wasn’t a fighting game. Canceling doesn’t come that easy. “What do you mean, canceled? Breakfast is supposed to give you your energy for the day. It’s not good to skip it.”
“You get so intense about the weirdest stuff…” Yuigahama sounded exasperated, but then she took charge and tried to push me back into the room. “Just pack up your things, and we’re going.”
“Uh, I have no idea what’s going on here, though…” But fortunately, I didn’t have much luggage, and I’d long since finished packing up. It wasn’t much trouble anyway, so for the moment, I did as I was told and went back into the room to get my pack.
“Okay, bring that out to the lobby, and let’s get going.”
“I don’t mind taking my stuff out to the lobby, but…breakfast…,” I said, but I think Yuigahama was really excited about the free day. She was humming to herself, hardly listening to me at all as she briskly went ahead.
Um…breakfast…
Hotels are so convenient these days. At tourist spots and stuff, they have a service where they send your bags to your next destination. This field trip was no exception, and they had arranged for us to use that service to have our things sent to the next hotel before we got there. The place we’d be staying at for the third night was in one of the top, most scenic locations in Kyoto: Arashiyama. By making use of this wonderful system, we were able to enjoy our free day to the fullest with nothing to burden us.
By the way, I hadn’t had breakfast that morning, so even my stomach was unburdened.
After we left the hotel, Yuigahama made me walk a while. It’s often said that the city of Kyoto is laid out like the lines on a Go board, but the streets were indeed straight, and the intersections were perpendicular, too. Maybe that was why Yuigahama didn’t get too confused about the way there.
Following her, I eventually spotted the white building of a coffee shop on the street. Beside it was a Kyoto-ish traditional-style shop. But according to the sign, it seemed both of them were the same place.
“Oh, I think this is it,” Yuigahama said.
“What’s it?”
“The place we’re having breakfast.”
“Huh? Hey, isn’t breakfast on the second-floor hall?”
“I told you—I talked to the teacher and canceled it,” Yuigahama said, going into the apparent cafe.
Huh? You can cancel it? I know it’s a free day, but isn’t our school too free?
The traditional-style building had a courtyard, too, and we were escorted to the terrace seating. On the terrace, elegantly drinking coffee, was Yukinoshita.
“Oh, you’re late,” she said.
“What? What is this? What’s going on?” Still unable to grasp the situation, the only thought I could come up with was that she looked perfectly natural drinking coffee on a terrace.
“It’s mouningu.” Cool and composed, Yukinoshita challenged me with an English vocabulary test.
But of course, I know what morning means, at least. “Uh, I know it’s morning.”
“Not that. I mean a café breakfast, like a morning set, or morning service.”
“Oh, the thing Nagoya’s famous for.” There’s a lot of stuff in Nagoya besides that, like tenmusu and the Mountain café and stuff. And people from Nagoya end their sentences with mya, so perhaps Yukinoshita thinks they’re felines.
“…Well, let’s go with that.”
“But they have it in Kyoto, too, huh?”
“Yep, yep. And this café is super-famous, too.” Yuigahama summoned the server and quickly finished ordering.
It was true—this elegant storefront appeared to be popular with women. Oh, so this is the recommended ladies’ tour Yukinoshita looked up, isn’t it?
“I just saw Ebina on the traditional side, so I think they may be here as well,” said Yukinoshita.
“Oh, so Tobecchi’s going straight into the tour!”
I get it. Hearing all this, finally, I understood what the goal was. This must have been a part of Yukinoshita’s list of famous spots that tend to be popular with women. Yuigahama had passed that information to Tobe, and Tobe had summoned his courage to invite Ebina, and thus they had all come here. Huh, he’s been working at this.
Meanwhile, the breakfast plate we’d ordered arrived.
It included toast, ham, scrambled eggs, salad, coffee, and a glass of orange juice, too. It was pretty standard fare, but the nice presentation whetted the appetite.
“Let’s just eat first,” said Yukinoshita.
“Yeah, let’s.”
“Right!”
We all put our hands together before digging in. There’s something strange about putting your hands together in front of a Western-style breakfast.
As we ate, Yukinoshita explained our upcoming schedule. “First, let’s go to Fushimi Inari Shrine.”
“For the path of torii, huh?”
“I’ve seen that on TV,” Yuigahama said, and Yukinoshita nodded. It was a famous spot, and the line of crimson torii gates was sure to be beautiful. Well, I could get why women liked it.
“And then after that, Toufuku-ji Temple, since we can stop by there on the way back from Fushimi Inari,” Yukinoshita continued.
“I don’t know that one.” There was no hit in my Japanese history database. I didn’t think it was a World Heritage site or anything.
Yukinoshita set her cup down with a clink and put her fingertip to her mouth in consideration. “Well, perhaps so. You might not go there often on school field trips, but…”
Yup, when you’re on a field trip, everyone generally goes to all the same spots. They really tend to select the most typically “Kyoto” spots, like with our trip to Kiyomizu-dera Temple on the first day. That’s inevitably what happens when you restrict it to famous historical landmarks and World Heritage sites. The other way you could narrow things down for a field trip, I suppose, would be to base it on Japanese history. I think it’d be interesting to try a tour of locations related to the Bakumatsu years and the Shinsengumi. However, Honnou-ji Temple is deeply disappointing, so you’ve got to watch out for that one.
“What’s famous at Toufuku-ji Temple?” Yuigahama asked.
“If you go and see, you’ll know right away.” Yukinoshita giggled. She seemed to be insinuating something. “And after that, Kitano Tenmangu Shrine.”
…She remembered that random chat we had?
“Sorry,” I said.
“It’s for Komachi, right?” Yukinoshita said.
“What, what? Does Komachi have something to do with this?” Yuigahama asked as she munched on her toast.
“I’m praying for Komachi to pass her exams.”
“I knew it… Sister complex…”
Call it brotherly love. Brotherly love!
The weather was clear as we surveyed Kyoto from the intersection at Fushimi Inari. We’d been blessed with sunny skies for these three days.
“Ohhh, wow!” The view made Yuigahama breathe a sigh of wonder.
Meanwhile, on a bench off to the side, Yukinoshita exhaled deeply, totally exhausted.
Well, I could get that. Fushimi Inari Shrine is made so that you pass through a whole slew of torii gates as you go up and up and up. Though it’s all stone steps, given the steepness and amount of exercise you’re getting, frankly, it’s kind of a hike.
Our current spot was still just the beginning. There were even more torii waiting higher up. But it’s probably uncommon for casual tourists to go any higher. Most would come this far, feel a moderate degree of accomplishment, then go back down.
We had more plans after this, so we probably wouldn’t have time to go up to the top.
Most of all, there was a certain someone here who seemed to lack the endurance for it.
“We’ll have a little break,” I said.
“All right…,” Yukinoshita agreed.
I sat down on a bench and had some bottled tea. I was feeling kinda hot, so the cool breeze felt nice.
While we were taking that short rest, more sightseers showed up. Yukinoshita saw them, slowly opened her mouth, and said, “Let’s start heading down.”
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I caught my breath. That’s enough,” she said, starting her descent. But going down was its own kind of hard. Once it was close to noon, the number of tourists swelled, and we had traffic jams with people who were coming up at the same time.
Finally, we reached the bottom again.
“That was quite crowded…,” Yukinoshita said, sounding weary. It seemed she’d been more affected by the crowds than the hike.
“I’m sure it’ll be about the same from here on out,” I said.
“…” She didn’t say anything, but I could tell from the cold expression on her face that she was already sick of this.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I could pass a level-three Yukinoshita certification test.
I’d expected this. I mean, I’d taken it for granted. We were headed to Toufuku-ji Temple, and the place was packed with tourists.
Apparently, Toufuku-ji Temple was one of the top spots in Kyoto for fall leaf-viewing. Of course, it’s famous, but it’s unfortunately a little ways away from central Kyoto, geographically, so it’s kind of hard to get there on a school field trip. The location prides itself in its high popularity not only because of the fall leaves but also because of the Tsuuten-kyou Bridge built into the temple.
As I stood on the bridge over the stream flowing beneath me, the varying shades of the leaves filled my whole field of vision. Coupled with the calm temple atmosphere, it made for a truly elegant sight.
The fall leaves were no longer at their peak, so it had probably been much prettier before. But the area around the Tsuuten-kyou Bridge was still packed.
“Oh, it’s Tobecchi.”
In the crowd, we found Tobe and Ebina.
The two of them were taking pictures with the fall leaves in the background. Serving as photographer was Hayato Hayama, the guy who never forgets to be cheery, even among the mobs. I thought the sparkle I saw was his teeth, but it was just his camera flash.
“So Hayama and his group was with them, huh?” I said.
“It may have been that we just didn’t see them when we ate breakfast, and they were all together,” said Yukinoshita.
“Yeah, well,” said Yuigahama, “when it’s two people all alone, it can feel awkward, so it might be easier with them there.”
“…But then it’s no different from usual.” They may have been in a new locale, but they were still just hanging out as a group. If we introduced an uncertain element like me, or if Yuigahama did a little matchmaking, we might have been able to stir things up a bit, but…
“But we can’t split them up,” Yuigahama said, stopping my train of thought. She was right.
“Basically. We don’t want Ebina thinking about it too much.” Otherwise known as being self-conscious. It’s the most annoying feeling. It was important to not make her feel wary. Betray their expectations and fulfill their hopes: That’s rule number one of entertainment.
“When a boy is coming to confess his feelings to you,” said Yukinoshita, “you can anticipate it from how much everyone around is tittering about it. You hear what people are saying—whether they be teasing or ridiculing him. Generally, you have precursors before he calls you out to talk.”
“Are you speaking from experience…?” I said. Oh yeah, I tend to forget it because she’s such a jerk, but the boys do like Yukino Yukinoshita. She is pretty after all.
“It’s an unbearable feeling for the one on the receiving end.”
“Huh.”
“You feel like a spectacle, an object of public humiliation. It’s a tremendous nuisance,” Yukinoshita said with sincere loathing.
Ebina had probably experienced it before, too. She was pretty in the pure and natural way—didn’t even dye her hair—so any boy was guaranteed to fall for her once. So it wouldn’t be surprising for her to be sensitive to the social atmosphere with boys.
“But then it doesn’t seem like it’ll go anywhere…,” said Yuigahama.
Hmm, yeah, Hayama’s crew was there, so it wasn’t going to just happen when the moment came, either…
That was when Hayama and company noticed us and waved.
Yukinoshita and I made the safe choice of ignoring it, but Yuigahama waved back, like Heeey! They must have taken that as a signal of some sort, and all four of them came over to us.
“Hey.” Hayama’s short greeting was probably directed at me and Yukinoshita both, but Yukinoshita gave me a quick look.
Uhhh, I’m not your translator here… “What other places are you guys going to?” I asked just to be polite.
Instead of Hayama, Tobe replied. “We’re thinking we’ll go to Arashiyama first.”
“Oh, really? We’re going there soon, too.” Yuigahama smoothly played along.
She’s the one who suggested that plan… What girl skills.
Despite the amiable mood between the friendly trio of Hayama, Tobe, and Yuigahama, winter had come a little early in the back.
“…”
“…” Miura’s and Yukinoshita’s gazes intersected wordlessly. Perhaps it was my imagination, but I felt like the leaves started falling faster.
This is scary. I wanna go home now… I looked away reflexively, and my eyes met someone else’s.
“Hikitani.” Her voice was casual and singsong. I finally realized the discordantly cheerful tone was Ebina. No, maybe I could tell it was her because of the dissonance.
Her eyes were dark in a way they never would have been normally. After addressing me, she started walking off.
It seemed she was heading away from Tsuuten-kyou and toward the garden. She slipped through the gaps in the crowd without looking back. I almost thought she would disappear just like that.
It was like she was wordlessly telling me to come with her.
So then, I just had to follow.
The garden was brilliantly colored with red leaves, and lots of people were stopping to enjoy the view and take pictures.
I possess the ability to avoid people practically automatically, so a crowd of this size was nothing to me. But I wondered if I could catch up to Ebina even with my ability.
In other words, she also possessed the same habit.
On the edge of the tour route, where she could watch the sightseers coming and going, Ebina waited for me with a wide smile. I finally caught up with her and came to stand beside her, looking at the crowd.
“You haven’t forgotten what I came to talk to you guys about, right?” She took one gentle step closer to me. It was quiet, like she didn’t want it to be noticed.
I couldn’t react, and silence fell between us. Apparently not fond of the pause, Ebina broke the dam and started talking. “So?!?! How are the guys getting along?! Are they intimate?”
Yeah, there’s no mistaking this. It’s one hundred percent Ebina. The Hina Ebina that I know—that we know. “…I think they’re getting along. They’re playing mah-jongg and stuff at night,” I said, understanding that this was probably not what she was asking.
Ebina puffed up her cheeks in a pout. “But I can’t see that! That’s not juicy! I like it more when the boys are all together when I’m around.”
I could tell what she really meant by that.
It was the reason she’d come to consult with the Service Club.
But even understanding this wouldn’t tell me how to deal with it—not yet anyway.
“Well, we’re going to Arashiyama, too, so then…,” I said, though this wouldn’t even buy me time. Everything would be settled in just a few hours.
“I’m counting on you,” she told me, and her voice was horribly heavy in my ears.
We headed for Arashiyama via a different route from Hayama’s group, which left Toufuku-ji Temple before us. We stopped by Kitano Tenmangu—my choice—on the way.
I prayed at Kitano Tenmangu, bought a charm, and while I was at it, wrote up a wish on an ema. If they accused me of having a sister complex for writing one, I really wouldn’t be able to argue, so I had the others wait a little ways away.
“Sorry to make you wait,” I said after I was done.
“No prob.”
“Then let’s get going to Arashiyama.”
Arashiyama is known as a Kyoto scenic spot. It’s basically like a grab bag of good things about our country, showing off the charms of every season: spring cherry blossoms, summer’s green leaves, fall’s red, and a coating of snow in winter—and there are hot springs, too.
We took the Keifuku Rail to Arashiyama. The train car was reminiscent of the trolley age, which really put you in a traveling mood. We changed trains at Katabira-no-Tsuji and spent some more time on the train.
When we got off at the station, I saw the mosaic mural of the fall leaves and the color-gradated line of mountains. Oh, I get it. This is why adults want to go here. A sigh escaped me.
“…” It took Yukinoshita’s breath away, too.
First, we went to the Togekkyo area, and after taking a peek at the Music Box Museum, our feet carried us toward Sagano. Rickshaws whisked by in both directions, and eventually, the road led us to a street lined with various shops. The pretty streets were relatively hip, with their rows of eateries selling fast food and junk food. As we passed, their fragrant smell was inviting.
To Yuigahama.
She chomped down on a croquette, guzzled fried chicken, and stuffed her face with beef buns. W-well, you know, we never ate lunch, so there’s no helping it, right? You could call this a lunch replacement.
Yukinoshita was watching this scene with an expression of horror and must have felt she had to say something. She sighed hesitantly, then commented, “You’ll spoil your dinner…” like a mom.
Yuigahama’s expression turned to sudden realization, and then she timidly proffered her junk foods to me. “Aw… Then I’ll give it to you, Hikki.”
“I don’t want those.” Why’d she take just a single bite out of everything? If she’d split one in half, at least, I would have eaten it.
Yuigahama stared hard at the bun and croquette she carried in either hand, then looked at Yukinoshita, nonplussed. “Huh? Then what do I do with these, Yukinon?”
“Agh… I’ll have just a bit.” It was so unusual to see Yukinoshita taking a big bite, I found myself staring. There was something emotional about this, like Yuigahama had tamed a wild fox squirrel.
As I observed this scene, Yukinoshita glared at me. “You help, too.”
“Agh, well, I guess I can eat some.”
“Oh. ’Kay then, here.” Yuigahama tore half off her beef bun and handed it to me.
Well, if that’s how we’re doing it, okay, I guess. I obediently accepted it and tossed it in my mouth.
After I had munched a little, Yuigahama burst into giggles. She was having fun with this.
When she split her croquette in half and handed that to me, too, I felt like a dog getting treats. It wasn’t bad. Food tastes great when you’re not the one working for it.
As we ate, we strolled down the streets of Arashiyama. We decided to keep going straight instead of turning onto the road to Tenryuu-ji Temple.
Then we heard the whoosh of the wind blowing through from the left. Looking up, I saw a rampant, dense forest of verdant green bamboo, wind rustling the leaves. The tunnel of bamboo seemed to go on forever, so many of them growing long, huddling against one another’s shoulders, I couldn’t even guess how many stalks there were.
The sunlight that made it through the cracks between them was softer, and cool air wafted around the whole path with a breezy whisper.
This was the bamboo forest the way it was featured in Arashiyama tourist guides, and on TV.
The path itself was the height of simplicity, but the lines of bamboo went so far, you couldn’t see the end of it. It felt like it was sucking you in, almost like a maze.
“This place is amazing…” Yuigahama stopped and looked up. Bathed in the light falling between the gaps of the bamboo grass, she quietly closed her eyes.
“Yes, and look down.” Yukinoshita softly walked up to the brushwood fence. Entering the shadow of the stalks, the leaves of the bamboo rustled noisily. She pointed at her feet.
“Lanterns, huh?” I said.
“Yes, they must light it up at night.”
The contrast between the warm light of the lanterns and the pale, bluish bamboo forest would surely draw out the beauty of the Arashiyama night. The familiar sight I’d seen here and there in travel magazines rose in my mind.
It seemed Yuigahama was thinking the same thing, as she spun around excitedly. “This is it! This is a good spot! I think!”
“For what?” I asked. She was being too vague. Not only did she not provide context, she’d even added “I think” at the end, too.
Yuigahama stopped in place and looked down in embarrassment. “If someone’s gonna…c-confess to you…”
Why the passive wording…?
Yukinoshita giggled in apparent amusement at Yuigahama’s behavior. “The atmosphere is quite nice, isn’t it? I think it might be a good location, too.”
“R-right?!”
“So if Tobe’s gonna try his luck, here’s the place, huh?” I said.
The sun would set soon. These lanterns would be lit, just as Yukinoshita said, and the bamboo forest would shine with bright light.
A cold, late autumn wind blew through the trees.
I finished the last dinner I’d be having on this school field trip and returned to my room.
Normally, now would be the time for our class to go to the baths. But the bamboo forest would only be lit up for a limited time. If we were going out, we had to put off bathing until later and sneak out now.
Tobe was pacing around restlessly in our room at the hotel. “Aw maaan, I’m getting nervous! Man!”
Yamato whacked Tobe on the back, and the impact made Tobe hack a cough.
“It’ll be okay,” Yamato said in his heavy bass voice.
“Tobe with a girlfriend! You’ll probably stop hanging out with me,” Ooka said, glancing at Tobe.
Tobe automatically retorted, “No way. And, dude, I can’t even think about that now. Oh man.” And the anxiety returned right away.
Yamato whacked his back. “It’ll be okay.”
At this rate, they’d start an endless loop. But anyway, they looked like they were having a good time.
“This is kind of making me nervous, too.” Totsuka is a good boy. I was feeling kind of on edge myself, although I’m always on the edges of any social situation, really.
Hayama, who had been silent until then, slowly stood up. “…Hey, Tobe.”
“What? What’s up, Hayato? I’m pretty wound up right now, y’know.”
“Oh, it’s nothing…”
Their shallow, inarticulate conversation went on.
“Whaaat?”
“I was going to wish you luck, but seeing your face, I changed my mind.”
“Wow, ouch! Oh, but now I’m kinda less nervous.”
Hayama left the room, careful not to allow Tobe to see his glum expression.
…So his attitude about this still hasn’t changed, huh?
Hayama’s attitude during this field trip—even before—had been strange. And since this was Hayama, who could pull off anything without a hitch and never rocked the boat, he made it hard to notice something was off. But Hayama had kept the boat too steady. That’s why someone like me would notice.
I left the room that was bubbling with excitement and followed Hayama outside.
As he headed to the river, I called out to him. It’s a special service for me to make the first comment in a conversation like this. It’s really rare, you know. “You’re being pretty damn uncooperative, aren’t you?”
“Am I?” Hayama replied without turning around. It was like he’d expected I would come, and the way he was so calm about it suddenly turned my mood sour.
“You are. In fact, I feel like you’ve been getting in our way.” At the very least, the Hayato Hayama I knew always arrived at the answer absolutely closest to correct. And since he would espouse such fair reasoning, he was always bound by it. I think that’s the kind of person he is.
That was why it had felt wrong when he hadn’t chosen the totally obviously correct answer of supporting his friend.
“I didn’t mean to, though.” Smiling ironically, he turned to face me. What a liar.
“Then what were you meaning to do?”
“…I like the way things are now. I like hanging out with Tobe, Hina, and everyone else,” he stated, looking straight at me. “That’s why…” He was about to go on.
But before he finished, I understood, and I knew what I would say in response. “…If that’s enough to destroy those relationships, then that’s all they ever were, right?”
“Maybe you’re right. But…what’s gone won’t come back.” It was like he was speaking from experience. But I wasn’t interested in interrogating him about his implications. I had no interest in Hayama’s past.
He had no intention of going into it, either. He just hid it behind a smile. “Maybe we can get through this like nothing happened. I’m decent enough at managing that.”
“That still won’t undo it,” I shot back quickly. Without realizing it, I was speaking with certainty.
There are some things in life you can never regret enough.
Some remarks, you can’t take back.
You could be talking as usual one day, but then suddenly, there’s a distance between you, and after that, you stop talking. The messages you’ve been exchanging so frequently then stop. And that’s if things go relatively well. Both of you will smile stiffly at each other, reassuring yourselves that no, you’re not bothered, you’re behaving like a friend should. But still, you won’t be able to erase the awareness in a corner of your mind that holds you back and makes you act more distant, and though neither of you is really to blame, that’s the end of it.
Hayama closed his eyes and opened his mouth. “You’re exactly right. I think Hina most likely thinks the same way.”
“Of course. In fact, you’re weirder for wanting to enjoy those shallow relationships.” I lightly kicked a pebble at my feet to stave off my anger. It rolled toward Hayama, and he scooped up the rock and stared at it. He might have been trying not to look at me.
“Maybe… But I don’t think they’re shallow. The environment here is everything to me right now.”
“No. It is shallow. So what’ll happen to Tobe? He’s pretty serious, isn’t he? You’re not gonna consider how this’ll affect him?” I said, cornering him.
Hayama clenched the rock. “I’ve told him over and over to give it up, because I don’t think she’ll open up to him, the way he is now… But still, I can’t read the future. So I didn’t want him rushing to a conclusion.” Hayama flung the rock in his hand at the river. It skipped along the surface a few times, then sank. “Sometimes, it’s more important not to lose something than it is to gain something else.” Hayama stared hard at the surface of the water, like he wanted to see where the rock had gone. He clearly wasn’t gonna find it, no matter how he searched, though.
At the end of the day, Hayama and I were both talking based on the assumption of harm. And Hayama was saying there’s an end to every relationship, so if you feel one is truly important, you should try to hold on to it, because you know you’ll lose it eventually.
But that’s just rationalizing.
“That’s a selfish excuse. That’s just what you want.”
“So then…!” Hayama’s voice was sharp. He glared at me, anger plain in his eyes, and I glared right back at him without wavering.
He must have felt ashamed at getting emotional, as he took a deep breath to suppress his feelings and slowly formed his next sentence. “…Then what about you? What would you do?”
“Who cares about me…?” There’s no use in thinking about what I would do. Hayama and I are different. And of course, Tobe is, too.
My stories really don’t matter, and they’re totally pointless. So I don’t want to talk about it.
“In other words,” I said, “you don’t want anything to change.”
“…Yeah, that’s right,” Hayama spit. His voice was more distressed and upset than I could have imagined it ever being.
But even so.
The desire to keep things the same…
…that was the one thing I could get.
I wished I didn’t.
It’s not necessarily truly the right thing to communicate your feelings and open up about everything. Some relationships you can’t take to the next level. Sometimes you’re not allowed to cross that line. Some relationships won’t let their boundaries get crossed. Dramas and manga always cross the line and give you a happy ending, but reality isn’t like that. It’s crueler, less kind.
What’s most important can’t be replaced. And if you lose something irreplaceable, it’s gone forever.
Being the person I was, I couldn’t tell him off for being gutless or make fun of him for being a coward. It’s fine if the right choice is to hold back. It’s fine to stay complacent forever.
I couldn’t open my mouth and reject the answers he’d found.
I could find no mistake there.
As I was unable to deny or refute this, I heard a short, resigned sigh. “You’re right… This is just me being selfish,” Hayama said with a lonely smile.
I didn’t like that smile.
“Don’t you underestimate me, Hayama. I don’t believe what people say that easily.” I’m the guy with the garbage personality, the one who always immediately reads into everything people say. “So I’m not going to believe this is just you being selfish, either.”
“…Hikigaya.” His face was filled with surprise. Not that there was any need for it.
This is probably what a certain someone else wants, too.
I’m sure there’s someone like me.
A girl who uses lies to pretend and protect something.
Hayato Hayama will not stand by and let people get hurt. I’m sure the reason he can’t do anything is because he knows someone will be hurt. If that line were to be crossed, the pain would come, and something would break.
Who can deny the righteousness of someone who suffers to keep that from happening? Who keeps from intruding?
Our time in high school is limited—this goes without saying. We live in this laughably small world for a hopelessly short time.
Who would blame you for wanting to hold on to that?
I didn’t have to lose it to understand.
Hayato Hayama cannot choose. He has so many things, and every single one of them is important to him.
Hachiman Hikigaya cannot choose. He never had a choice in the first place, and he can only do one thing.
Ironically, the inability to choose is all we have in common, while everything else about us is different.
I didn’t understand what Hayama was trying to protect.
And that was fine. That was why there was something I could do.
As I left the river beach, Hayama called after me. “You’re the one person I didn’t want to rely on…”
That goes for the both of us, you idiot.
I’ll sing the praises of love and friendship, but that’s just for the victors. Nobody lends their ear to the laments of the defeated, those who have lost it all.
So then I’ll listen. I’ll sing it out loud.
This is the fox’s ode to sour grapes.
This is a requiem for all those who, no matter how attracted they are to someone, can only try to hide their weakness.
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