V3C13: Doubts of Love
After the second semester started, we were separated into science and literature classes*. Our original classes acted as our new science classes, and two new classes, Class 10 and Class 11, were added for the students who chose literature.
*(These class separations are added on top of the compulsory subjects; Chinese, maths, English. Literature classes are tested on history, geography, and politics for their gaokao/SAT/HSC/whatever end of highschool equivalent you have in your country, whilst science classes are tested on physics, chemistry, and biology.)
For Zhang Jun, our close friends, and I, this class separation had no effect as we all had chosen science anyways.
Zhang Jun and I upheld our agreement from last semester to give each other some space. We no longer walked home together everyday, and on some weekends, I could go out with Lin Yiran, Yang Jun, Shen Yuanzhe and the others.
Zhang Jun really enjoyed playing around, whether it was dancing, singing or sports, he was good at them all. Huang Wei also enjoyed playing, and he started to hang out with her a lot.
At first, I didn’t take much notice, but soon afterwards, Zhang Jun would often take Huang Wei home after school. I started to feel a little uncomfortable.
But back then, I was prideful, so proud that I felt disdain at showing my jealousy so when he asked me, “Do you mind if I walk home with some other girls when I’m not going home with you?” I had feigned nonchalance and smiled. “Why would I mind?”
Zhang Jun shrugged indifferently. “As long as you don’t mind then.”
I was angry at his indifference, but I didn’t know that he was angry at mine as well.
It was only a long time later that I realized in this relationship, I wasn’t the only one afraid of the uncertainties. He was already disappointed in me rejecting his offer to walk me home, and now that I didn’t even mind him walking home with another girl, he wasn’t just disappointed anymore. He was hurt.
But I however didn’t understand his thoughts at all. Because I was angry, I pretended to be fine, yet I treated him coldly, and even though I wanted to see him, I only hung out with Yang Jun, Sheng Yuanzhe and Lin Yiran.
Naturally, seeing me like this, Master Zhen and Tong Yunzhu would try to persuade Zhang Jun into breaking up with me, and then when Yang Jun and Lin Yiran saw Zhang Jun hanging out with another girl, not caring about my feelings at all, they would feel discontented towards him in turn.
Nevertheless though, after Zhang Jun got over his hurt, he would ignore the suggestions of his friends and decide that he would treat me even better. He thought that as long as he treated me well, I will learn to truly love him and care about him.
Back then, I was clueless about the fluctuations in his mood, all I knew was that I was angry. Then suddenly, Zhang Jun stopped walking Huang Wei home and hanging out with her alone. We were able to reconcile because of just how good he was to me, and how much I liked him, but that kind of reconciliation, though sweet, didn’t solve any problems. It was simply the concession and sacrifice of one side.
It was Zhang Jun’s birthday in April. That day, he invited all his friends, both in and out of school. The room was filled full with people.
Guan He was shocked. “Where did Zhang Jun meet all these people?” she asked.
“Those willing to spend money always have a lot of friends,” I replied.
“What did you prepare for Zhang Jun?” she asked me.
“Is my attendance not the best present for him?
“Don’t joke around, did you seriously not bring a present?”
I looked at Zhang Jun and, seeing that he was talking with someone else and not looking over here, I opened my backpack and showed Guan He a pretty glass bottle. Inside it were ninety-nine lucky stars, representing forever.
“It’s so pretty!” She leaned in to look at it more closely.
“I folded these myself. Each lucky star contains a sentence to him.” I whispered to her.
Guan He’s eyes relaxed. “I made a wind charm for Zhang Jun. It took about a weekend.”
I sighed inwardly. Her pride was stronger than even mine. I was the typical ‘closeness was pain, farness was nonchalance’. The more I cared about someone, the more proud I acted, but towards people that I didn’t care about, I wasn’t bothered to show the same pride. Guan He however, was proud and dignified to everyone.
Guan He and I did not know most of the people there and we weren’t interested in meeting them, so we just sat in the corner and chatted.
Zhang Jun led a few people towards our table. “Qiqi, Guan He, do you still remember them?”
Everyone froze for a moment before we all screamed in excitement: they were my primary school classmates. These years, I had almost cut off all my ties with my primary school classmates to get rid of those miserable memories, and now, four years later, we were finally able to meet again. Maybe it was because I had a great life now, but with my newfound confidence, I was able to see them with ease- there was even the joy of a reunion.
Some were just about to graduate from college, some were already going to work at their internship companies; some were making small businesses, whilst some of the girls were already engaged, and there were a few that were still in high school like us. A few years had passed and the people that had once sat in the same classroom as I had gone off onto a completely different track of life.
Everyone was squeezed together, eager to exchange gossip. Names after names were being mentioned, and all of them seemed familiar, but I had to think for a while before remembering them.
When they mentioned Zhou Yun, and said that she was studying in an experimental high school, my heart shook uncontrollable, my face keeping its smile in high alert mode, fearing that they might bring something up even though I knew that a fountain pen that costed barely over a dollar was nothing in between the the troubles of growing up.
When everyone had finished exchanging news, we started talking about our stories during primary. We mocked Gao Fei for crying even harder than the girls whilst watching Mother Love Me Once Again, so much that he wetted an entire red tie. Gao Fei refused to acknowledge his dark history and tried to refute it, but was easily suppressed by everyone else’s united force.
Gao Fei’s girlfriend stared at him as if she had just met him. Everyone laughed gleefully.
They also exposed each other, talking about tales from our primary school times. Everyone said that Zhang Jun was really good at writing love letters, and that almost all of their love letters were written by him. Someone pointed at another person and said to Guan He, “His love letter to you was written by Zhang Jun.” Another one immediately pointed at Gao Fei and said, “His love letter to you was also written by Zhang Jun.”
Gao Fei’s girlfriend pretended to become angry and shadily said to Gao Fei, “I think that I really don’t understand you enough. We should have a good chat when we go back tonight.”
Gao Fei however, thought that she was serious and hurriedly replied, “Literally everyone in the class liked Guan He and passed her paper slips.”
He pointed at each of the guys in turn and asked, “You, did you like her? And you! I remember that after Guan He rejected you, you stole your dad’s drinks and told us to drink with you, and then you ended up being thrashed by your dad.”
He then pointed at Zhang Jun, “And you, didn’t you ask Guan He out? And after you got rejected, you had the balls to say that ‘it wasn’t my problem Guan He just didn’t know how to appreciate beauty.’”
Guan He blushed and curled her hands. “Please, that’s from such a long time ago, there’s no need to talk about it.”
After Gao Fei arrogantly proved that every guy present had formerly nursed a crush on Guan He, he continued to his girlfriend, “We were all just messing around back then. It wasn’t true love between a man and a woman, otherwise why would we promise to take turns to ask her out? We even made a bet that whoever managed to get her would win ten dollars from everyone else.”
Gao Fei’s girlfriend asked curiously, “Then who managed to get her?”
“Guan He’s like the Himalayas. We didn’t even get halfway before we had all perished.”
Everyone laughed again.
Zhang Jun sat by my side, one hand on the back of my chair, the other holding up his head. He looked at me, his mouth curved into a smile.
I also kept up a gentle smile but my heart was bitter. If it was any other girl, I wouldn’t have minded, but he was the Zhang Jun whom I loved to the point of self-destructive self-esteem, and she was the Guan He whom I was envious of to the point of self-hatred. In front of them, I had no confidence in my ability to let go.
Under the continuous request of Guan He, they stopped talking about her and turned their eyes onto Zhang Jun and I.
“Explain how you two managed to get together. Who chased who?”
“It took you two long enough.”
“I always thought that it was just a rumour, and I’ve only now come to believe it. You guys managed to keep it a secret so well. Which one of you liked the other one first?”
Zhang Jun looked at me and smiled. “I liked her first, of course.”
Gao Fei’s girlfriend asked me, “I heard that you’re the number one of First High, is that true?” I nodded and she squealed. “Ah! I’m sitting with the number one of First High! The future Peking or Beijing University student!”
She grabbed a long glass bottle, pretended that it was a microphone and asked, “Out of curiosity, I’ve never heard of a good student that was able to get top in the grade, and date. Do you mind telling me what attracted you to Zhang Jun?”
I blushed deeply and replied dumbly, “I’m not a good student.”
“Please, if the first in the grade isn’t a good student then what is? Overly humble is a show of pride you know!” Everyone started laughing except Guan He, whose smile became more and more forced.
Gao Fei’s girlfriend moved the ‘microphone’ in front of Zhang Jun. “How does it feel to have the first in the grade as your girlfriend?”
I felt uncomfortable to the extreme. Zhang Jun smiled but didn’t say anything. Just then, some person from another table called for him and he took the opportunity to stand up. “I’ll be right back,” he said easily, and left.
When everyone arrived, we started to eat whilst singing karaoke. The speakers in the restaurant weren’t very good and had little sound correction capability, most people were very invested in their singing, but it sounded quite horrible.
Our primary school friends cheered for Guan He. “Go show them what true singing is,” they called.
Guan He tried to refuse before picking up the microphone.
Guan He picked an old song, 《Walk Gracefully》by Ye Qianwen, which had spread across the land a few years back. When the song started, everyone unconsciously fell silent.
The vast skies and hurried men, the tide’s rise and fall,
The love and hate and life and death, who can see through them all,
Oh life, it flows on, oh love, it holds true,
There will always be a time to leave,
One part drunk and one part clear,
At least I have you in my dreams,
I gambled my youth for a better tomorrow,
And you used love to change this life,
Time never knew the depths of man’s sorrows,
So why not walk gracefully just this time.
The melody of the song appeared very melodic, but it still wasn’t an easy song to sing. If you wanted to capture the courage and easiness of it, you needed to have a strong voice. Guan He’s voice was just like her temperament, the outside soft and the inside steely, and she was able to capture the feeling of the song beautifully. I thought she sounded even better than Ye Qianwen themself.
Everyone was captivated and applauded her vigorously.
I glanced at Zhang Jun who was sitting at another table. He was looking at Guan He, his face filled with worry.
The mood rose higher and higher. Since it was an old song, everyone knew the lyrics, so they clapped whilst singing along with Guan He. I didn’t wish to look different so I clapped along with the others, but my beat was always off-rhythm.
When she had finished singing, everyone shouted, “Encore, encore!”
Guan He smiled and placed down the microphone, walked over and pushed me lightly. “You go sing as well.”
I shrank backwards, firm in my decision to refuse. Was she joking? The real gem had just gone up. If I went now, wasn’t that the same as a duckling trying to compete with a swan?
The entire table was full of people that loved chaos, and everyone immediately went wild. “Luo Qiqi! Luo Qiqi!”
I looked to Guan He, pleading for help, hoping she would understand that I didn’t want to be put in the spotlight. I couldn’t sing the song for the Literary Performance after months of practice, so how could I possibly sing something impromptu? The normally kind and understanding Guan He though, looked as if she was unable to understand my wishes and joined the crowd.
As they continued urging me, even those who didn’t know me also began shouting, “Luo Qiqi!” knowing that I was Zhang Jun’s girlfriend. I kept refusing, so much that even I was disgusted by myself, but the crowd still persisted in their shouting, especially the girls.
Judging them with my own distrustful heart, I felt confident that they just wanted to see me fail*.
(*Someone in the audience please send help for this sentence, I don’t know what Luci was trying to say ;-;)
Finally, I was pushed in front of the screen.
What should I sing? I really didn’t know what to pick. I liked the soft and supple old songs, and American country music, and I rarely took notice of popular trends. The more I wanted to think something up fast, the less I was able to pick a song. Everyone was waiting for me silently and the atmosphere was very strange.
Great! Now I had surely made an embarrassment out of myself, and in front of all of Zhang Jun’s friends as well!
Even my shamelessness was unable to shield me, and I felt like crawling into a hole in the ground.
I was standing there, feeling immensely awkward when Zhang Jun raised his hand, holding a microphone and asked loudly, “I politely request to sing a duet with my Qiqi. Does anyone have any problems?”
“No, no! Of course not!” Everyone started laughing, and that awkward atmosphere vanished immediately.
Zhang Jun whispered something to Master Zhen and walked to my side, holding his microphone. The speaker started playing a familiar tune: it was one of Jack Cheung’s songs that Zhang Jun would often sing for me.
I’m not asking, not seeking for anything,
Breaking through the heavens, my only wish,
Is to see you after night falls, after all my struggles,
Did you know that?
Whether a simple life, whether a frugal life,
If when the sun rises,
When the dawn breaks, I can see you,
That is the best life.
The world around me is like a passing breeze and you are my only anchor,
I’m not leaving you, I vow to stay with you, with this never ending love,
And so with every passing day, this drunken man,
Will love you more and more until it overflows.
I realized I loved staying by your side,
Writing out the midnight of tomorrow,
And with every passing day, this deep affection,
Had grown more and more until it overflowed.
I want to stay with you forever,
Not fearing the storms of tomorrow,
For what is fame and what is wealth,
They taste sweet, but if,
Day and night I could see you,
Then it will be a good life.
The world around me is like a passing breeze and you are my only anchor,
I’m not leaving you, I vow to stay with you, with this never ending love,
And so with every passing day, this drunken man,
Will love you more and more until it overflows.
Even though it was supposed to be a duet between Zhang Jun and I, it was actually just a solo from Zhang Jun. I sang a little at the start but afterwards, I decided that his singing was good enough already and that I wasn’t needed, so I stopped singing altogether and only listened to him.
He stood at the other side of the screen, not looking at the lyrics but at me. I kept motioning at him, hoping that he would understand and move his gaze elsewhere but he continued staring at me, making me feel both embarrassed and annoyed.
He was staring at me so clearly that everyone started cheering and clapping. I could only turn around to look at the screen and pretend that I was looking at the lyrics.
When the song finished, many of the guys whistled and laughed at Zhang Jun. “That one doesn’t count. Zhang Jun sang that. Luo Qiqi, sing another one.”
Zhang Jun smiled at them, promptly ignored them, passed the mic to another person, and dragged me back to the table.
All of our primary school friends shivered, pretending to be disgusted at our public display of affection. Gao Fei’s girlfriend scolded him, “Do you see this? This is your role model.”
Gao Fei rolled up his sleeve to show her his arm. “Do you see this? I have goosebumps everywhere.”
Guan He stared at Zhang Jun at I before turning around to stare at the screen, as if intently listening to the song.
At around ten, everyone sang happy birthday to Zhang Jun, then left. Probably because of the incident from my birthday party, Master Zhen did not request to see my present for Zhang Jun. Everyone else’s pressuring was also forced down heartlessly.
Master Zhen, his friends, and I helped Zhang Jun carry his presents home. When they had all left, I took out the birthday present I had prepared for him.
Zhang Jun shook the glass bottle lightly, and seeing the colourful lucky stars inside, he asked happily, “Did you fold all of these yourself?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you.” Zhang Jun looked around his room, opened the glass door to his book shelf and placed the glass bottle inside. This way, he would be able to see it every time he looked up whilst lying in bed.
I smiled with a secret sense of joy. I didn’t tell him that I had started preparing a few months back. I folded one everyday, each one with all of my focus, and the utmost perfectionism. Every night before I went to sleep, I would sit before my desk and think back to what had happened between us and write down on a piece of coloured paper the one sentence that I wanted to say to him most, and with those pieces of paper, I folded my lucky stars. If he opened the stars, he would see the words inside them. This bottle held ninety-nine treasured sentences that I dearly wished to say to him.
I didn’t want to tell him directly, I wanted to wait for the day when he accidentally found out and found my surprise. Thinking of his expression, I was both hopeful and nervous.
Zhang Jun walked me home and when we got to the river, I said, “Let’s sit here for a while.”
Zhang Jun, who had been in a silent daze up until now, said, “Sure.”
Apart from the lucky stars, I also prepared another present for him. I wanted to tell him, on this bridge that we grew up playing on, that I had liked him from all the way back then, until now, and in the future.
Zhang Jun sat next to me but his thoughts weren’t on me at all. He stared at the glittery river, as if in deep thought about something very troubling. He had seemed a little preoccupied the entire night, and my intuition told me that it had something to do with our primary school friends.
Maybe he’d confess to me his feelings towards Guan He?
I thought a little and decided that I’d say my words after he had spoken what he needed to say.
I didn’t speak, nor make a sound. He picked up a few rocks and threw them into the river.
A long time later, it seemed as if he had finally made up his mind. “Qiqi, I want to tell you something.”
“Go on.”
“Do… Do you still remember Ms Zhao from primary?”
I was silent, not sure if I should reply yes or not. Back then, I hadn’t fallen in love with him. If I said yes, then it would mean that the shame from all those years ago happened in front of the person I liked, and that would make it all the more humiliating.
I didn’t know how to respond and decided to evade the question. “What about her?”
Zhang Jun stayed silent for quite a while before saying, “I stole Zhou Yun’s fountain pen. After I stole it I chucked it into the grass next to the oval.”
I had thought that hearing in person that he had truly liked Guan He would probably be the worst thing that could happen tonight but I didn’t realise that there was something worse in store. I wasn’t even able to hold onto my trained smile and could only stare at him in shock.
“Ms Zhao was really stupid. She didn’t know that if a person was brave and precise enough, they could steal something just by brushing shoulders with the other person. There was no need to stay in the classroom and wait for a good timing for the crime, and that pat-down was completely useless! If I really was greedy, I would’ve gone for a more expensive fountain pen. Who cared about some cheap, dollar-store pen…” His eyes were filled with guilt that he didn’t know how to tell me, he could only uncharacteristically ramble on until he was unable to continue, and his voice stopped suddenly in his throat.
The night was filled with a strange uneasiness.
“Qiqi, I’m sorry!” Zhang Jun whispered with lowered head, as if he was crushed so hard by unease and self-blame that he didn’t even have the courage to look at me.
I suddenly looked up and smiled at him. “You know, I guessed it was you a long time ago.”
“Huh?” He raised his head in shock and the heaviness in his eyes faded slightly.
“I’m sure you knew about your reputation in primary; fighting, smoking, drinking, chasing girls, stealing…”
I grinned at him. “We barely talked to each other before you suddenly became so nice to me, and even gave me your homework to copy. When I was late, you covered for me; when it was raining, you made sure you had an umbrella and waited for me and said something about protecting me. Hmph! When someone becomes unnaturally kind, obviously there would be ulterior motives behind it! Did you take me for a dumb kid? That I wouldn’t be able to see the clues?”
He looked at me awkwardly, that heavy self-contempt and blame starting to dissipate. “So you’ve known all this time? I’ve wanted to tell you so many times but I couldn’t manage to open my mouth, but you…”
I laughed a little. “You wanted to tell me about it at Year 6 Graduation didn’t you?”
“Yeah!” He started to believe that I had known this long ago, his expression relaxing. “Did you start ignoring me because you realized it was me?”
“Yeah! What other reason did you think it could be?” I realized that the instant a lie began, it became like rolling a snowball, growing bigger and bigger until it was completely out of control.
He let out a long breath, as if glad to be able to lift the rock that had been pushing down on him all these years. “I thought that you disliked me, that you thought it was shameful being friends with me. That’s why I really disliked Xu Xiaobo. He wasn’t that much better than me, I didn’t think… But, why did you not say that you found out at all?”
“What do you mean I didn’t show it? Do you still remember? After our maths competition, I suddenly had a nose bleed and you passed me some tissues but I slapped your hand away.”
Zhang Jun had to think for a while before he started to vaguely remember. “Oh yeah! It scared me. You looked so angry back then!”
He smiled at me, his face relieved and relaxed, thinking that I had already punished him for all those years. I smiled back.
I pretended to suddenly remember about the time and looked at my watch. “Ah! It’s already eleven. I really need to go home now.”
He hurriedly stood up to take me home.
When we had arrived underneath my apartment, I smiled and waved at him. “Bye, goodnight!”
“Qiqi,” he called.
I turned to look at him. “Even though it’s already in the past, I still feel like I should say this. I’m sorry!” he said.
I lowered my head, tears brimming my eyes but I replied lightly, “Yeah, I know.”
I ran upstairs as fast as possible, and I had barely gotten to Level Three when I lost all my power. I sat down in the corner, my body leaning on the wall of the corridor.
In the dark, I hugged myself, tears silently falling. I had always thought that back then was the start of a romantic love story, that he had liked me, at least a little. I didn’t realize that there was such a complicated story to this.
The next day, Zhang Jun called me to ask me out. I replied, “it’s almost midterms. I need to ask Lin Yiran about some questions today.”
Zhang Jun knew that I had always placed a priority on studying so he wasn’t suspicious at all. “Yeah, go. Remember to call me when you come back.”
He also very considerately added, “if you want to focus on reviewing this week then we don’t have to meet. But remember to call me everyday.”
“Okay.”
“Studying is important but so is your body. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
“Yeah.”
I could tell that he didn’t want to hang up, but with me pretending to not realize, he eventually left anyways.
I wasn’t angry at him. I understood that everything had happened by chance, and that he didn’t want to frame me, that it was just a joke that fate played on us, but still, I wasn’t able to turn around emotionally. I didn’t want him to realize either, so I could only choose to not meet in person for the time being.
But, probably because the aunty that took care of Zhang Jun went home on short notice and Zhang Jun didn’t know how to take care of himself, combined with the preparations for midterms, the normally healthy Zhang Jun suddenly fell ill. He never told me though, and I only found out when the midterms were already over.
When I went to see him, Huang Wei was already there and taking care of him. If it was Guan He, I would definitely feel jealous though I wouldn’t show it and smile generously, but facing Huang Wei, I didn’t feel even an inkling of jealousy. I sat silently at the side and watched on coldly, yet that manner made it look as if I cared very much.
Zhang Jun, seeing that I was here, was extremely happy and talked to me non-stop. Not long passed before Huang Wei left by herself.
“Why did you tell Huang Wei that you were sick but not me?” I demanded.
Zhang Jun laughed. “Luo Qiqi’s jealous, Luo Qiqi’s jealous,” he teased.
I’ve gotten jealous so many times! It was just that everytime I truly got jealous, I hid it from you because I refused to let you see just how bad a person I was.
I laughed. “Don’t think too highly of yourself. I’m not jealous, I just don’t like her.”
“You’re not close with her though. Are you sure you don’t dislike her because of me?”
“If you like me, then I’ll like you back, and if you don’t like me, I’ll walk away. What does it have to do with anyone else? There are so many people that like you, am I meant to dislike them all? I don’t like her because even though she knew you already had a girlfriend, she didn’t try to keep away but instead went and acted all dubious-like. Doing that, she’s not respecting herself, or others- it’s not something any self-respecting female would do, so that’s why I dislike her.”
Zhang Jun was always protective of his friends and hurriedly jumped to her rescue. “You’re mistaken, she only sees me as a brother. We are of the most pure sibling relationship, and she only came because she heard that I was sick and was worried.”
I snickered. I didn’t know where it started, but these days, boys rejected girls by calling them sisters, and girls try to get close to the boys they like by calling them brothers.
I went to the kitchen to pour water for Zhang Jun when I saw a kettle that got burnt out of shape.
“Zhang Jun, what happened to the kettle.”
Zhang Jun looked at the TV and said carelessly, “I was boiling water the other day and fell asleep. The water dried up and the kettle died.”
“You slept with the water still boiling? Aren’t you afraid of gas poisoning?”
“At around two, I suddenly woke up and I thought that the room smelled a bit weird so I was able to close it in time.”
He said it in a nonchalant manner but I broke out in cold sweat. Did this person have no common sense about the dangers of gas because he never did household chores? I remembered on the first day I started cooking, my mom emphasized again and again that I had to close the gas valve, otherwise there could be explosions, poisonings, and death.
I closed the TV and stared at him with a stern face. He thought that something had happened and looked at me dumbly in fear when I started going over my knowledge on carbon monoxide poisoning and different incidents of gas explosions at home. He smiled as he nodded. “Okay, okay, you talk so much.”
We talked a bit more, then seeing that it was almost 10, I prepared to go home.
He pulled on my hand, saying nothing, but staring at me with wide, blinking, Bambi eyes.
“How about you move to your sister’s house for a few days and come back after you get better,” I said.
Zhang Jun let go of my hand. “It’s just a cold, I can take care of myself. I’ll get better in two days. Call me when you get back home.”
I thought about it a little. “Do you have a spare key? If you do, give me one so that I can come see you tomorrow. When you get better I’ll return it.”
He immediately handed his keys to me.
I smiled and patted his head. “Rest well.”
I had already gotten out of the door when he shouted again, “Remember to call!”
My parents kept a very strict schedule. Even though it was the weekends, they still started their preparations to sleep at around eleven.
After I brushed my teeth, I changed into the sports clothes that I normally wore for morning training, did my hair, put on my baseball cap, and waited until twelve. Hearing the snoring of my father, I rolled up a pillow and jammed it under my covers to pretend that someone was sleeping there.
Holding my shoes, I tiptoed to the living room and opened the door, slipping the key into the keyhole, turning the lock and slowly pulling up the door, then slowly letting go of the key. That way, the door was able to be closed silently.
I listened at the entrance for a bit, and after making sure that there was no sound coming from inside, lightly closed the security door, put on my shoes and ran downstairs and all the way to Zhang Jun’s house. Opening the door lightly with the key he gave me, I felt for the light switch in the dark.
Zhang Jun was reading a book on his bed. When he heard the noise, he slipped out of his bed, took out the metal bar that he kept underneath his bed, and tiptoed out. He was just about to swing the bar when the light in the living room turned on.
We were both shocked but after seeing each other’s appearance, we started laughing.
He asked in surprise, “How did you get here?”
“I slipped out. The Enchantress always talked about how she managed to slip out of her house to play all night and I learnt a lot of methods. I’ve finally had the chance to actually put them into practice.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve waited for you under your apartment, aren’t you scared of meeting bad guys at night?”
I was afraid that if I had told him earlier but wasn’t able to slip out, he would feel happy for no reason. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to tell him this reason and only looked at him, smiling. “You mean you’re not the bad guy?”
He laughed dryly. “I’ve already returned from the path of evil. I’m now the best of the good guys.”
Walking into his bedroom, I saw that an English textbook was on the bed- he had obviously just been going through English. I didn’t expect for him to be this studious.
I was afraid he might be embarrassed and pretended that I saw nothing. “Why aren’t you sleeping yet?”
“I slept too much in the morning.”
He scratched his head, looked around a bit and said, “I’ll sleep on the floor, you sleep on the bed.”
I didn’t try to act polite. After making sure he had eaten his tablets, I fell onto his bed still in my clothes as he slept on the ground.
This was the first time that we had ever been in a room alone, and we were both extremely excited, talking non-stop. Afterwards, I was scared that he wouldn’t be able to rest properly, and pretended that I was tired and stopped talking.
He was able to fall asleep quickly under the effect of the cold tablets. I, on the other hand, wasn’t able to sleep well because I kept calculating the time.
At around five in the morning, I got up as quietly as I could, made a simple breakfast for him, then left behind a note telling him to eat his medicine on time. After everything was ready, I hurriedly ran back home.
Arriving outside my house, I listened for any noise at the door, and after making sure that the coast was clear, I opened the door lightly with the key and tiptoed back into my room.
At around eight, my parents slowly got out of bed. Hearing the sound of them speaking, I secretly made a face at myself and slept peacefully.
When I woke up, I called Zhang Jun a couple of times and he reported that he was eating well, didn’t forget his meds, and that his sister and brother-in-law had come to visit him and made him a lot of good food. His father had also called him and told him to rest up. On the phone, he sounded so soft that my heart ached.
The next night, I followed the same procedure as yesterday, waited for my parents to sleep, then changed into my sports clothes and slipped out of my house.
When I got downstairs, Zhang Jun suddenly emerged from the shadows and bowed like a gentleman. “My dear princess, your knight is here at your service.”
“You… You…” I was happy but also worried. “Are you really sick? It seems to me that you’re as good as one gets. I’m going home.”
He immediately pretended to cough a little. “I’m still sick, I’m still sick!”
We strolled hand in hand along the street, talking about the most useless topics but feeling overwhelmingly happy.
That night, we still slept one on the bed, one on the ground. We talked and talked until it was three in the morning and my voice was cracking. Even though none of us were the talkative type, when we were together, it’s as if we had an endless supply of nonsense to talk about.
I saw that it was already late and told Zhang Jun to hurry up and sleep. Zhang Jun rolled himself over to the side of the bed, stating that he would sleep better if he could hold my hand and that if he was able to sleep well, he would be able to get better soon.
I took hold of his hand as a response to his obnoxious request. He looked at me, and a smile spread involuntarily over his face before he suddenly straightened and pecked me on the cheek before lying down again, his eyes closed, pretending to be in deep sleep. His hand held onto mine tightly as if he was afraid that I would slip away.
I was slightly dumbfounded and I slowly smiled, my heart filled with a sense of fulfillment.
I wasn’t like Lin Yiran, I already understood what could happen if a girl didn’t return home for the night. I also knew that boys of this age were bold and daring and that if they wanted to be a jerk, they were capable of anything. Zhang Jun wasn’t some innocent boy, he definitely knew many methods to get what he wanted, many more than ways I knew of how to slip out of my home. Still though, he didn’t do anything, only giving me the most simple and clumsy type of love.
I smiled and closed my eyes. The force that was on my hand loosened slightly and I felt him move a little, his soft lips pressing against my hand, kissing it tenderly.
I didn’t dare move from the nervousness, my heart thumping loudly in my chest. On one hand, there was the happiness in my body, but on the other, there was this fear of the unknown. As he made no further moves and only continuously kissed my hand, I slowly relaxed. I still didn’t dare to open my eyes and I continued to pretend to be sleeping, my heart drowning in sweetness.
At around six in the morning, I hurried back from Zhang Jun’s house and tiptoed into the room when my father came out of the bathroom with half-closed eyes.
I was so scared that I felt like my blood would flow backwards but I calmly called out, “Hi dad,” and casually walked over to the fridge for a drink, as if I had just gone out for a run.
My father looked at me through sleepy eyes and seeing that I was wearing sports clothing and sweating profusely, asked, “You went for a run this early?”
“Yeah, we have fitness testing in the second half of the semester. I’m scared that I won’t be able to pass the eight hundred meter run, so I’m doing some training.”
I took small sips from my drink and walked towards my room. When my door had finally closed, I wiped off the cold sweat off my forehead and silently thanked my luck.
Thank goodness that the Enchantress was experienced in these love affairs. She had told me about incidents in which they ran into their parents in the morning and that had somewhat prepared me mentally.
Zhang Jun had always been very fit physically and after a weekend, he had already recovered.
When we went back to school on Monday, we met each other in the corridor. As our eyes met, we were both embarrassed and sweet. For two consecutive nights, we slept in the same room. The small kisses, intimate touches made it seem as if we possessed a secret that was out of reach from the other students.
My heart recovered with his sickness, but I neither told him about the changes in my mindset throughout those two weeks, nor what I had suffered because of his single rebellious act.
The things in the past could stay in the past!
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