A Book Dedicated to Our Youth - Volume 3 - Chapter 15

V3C15: Mock Trials
In the last year of high school, we would be split into accelerated and non-accelerated classes based on our finals results, making it extremely important.

The tests from before were all marked out of one hundred but from now on, everything would be based on the Gaokao, and the tests changed to be marked out of one hundred and fifty.

To prepare us for these changes, the school held a mock trial.

When the results for the mock trials came down, I was still number one with nearly full marks in physics and chemistry. Zhang Jun was ranked thirty-something, but Guan He had only managed to get fiftieth.

Ever since my grades began improving, Zhang Jun ceased talking about studying in front of me, but I knew that he worked hard. Even if he was sick, he would still study English and sometimes when I went over to his house, I would find thick piles of draft paper filled with exercise questions. I understood the pain of working hard to no reward well.

Zhang Jun’s spirit fell. Even though I tried to cheer him up in many ways, he was still down, like his failure had crushed his confidence completely.

On the weekends, he came to find me to go sing, and I requested for us to take a stroll next to the river.

As we walked, I started telling him about my experiences whilst studying English. I had barely gotten half way when he suddenly became impatient and snarled, “Do you have anything in your head apart from studying?”

I was dazed and felt wronged and angry. I wanted to help him, so much so that I was willing to share with him one of the most painful experiences I had ever had, but he responded with resentment. 

I pushed down my own feeling of being wronged and turned to leave. “You’re not feeling that well, I’m leaving.”

He grabbed onto me, the pent up grievance and dissatisfaction making him lose control over his emotions. “Ever since we got together, you always get angry for no reason, stop talking to me on a whim and ask to break up with me. Whether it’s my fault or not, I have to apologize first before you’re willing to come back. Sometimes I really don’t understand, if you don’t like me then why did you get together with me?”

“What do you mean I don’t like you?”

“Other girls would want their boyfriend’s company, and they’ll get angry if they don’t take them home, but if I walk home with you, you get angry; other girls are glad to spend more time with their boyfriends, but everytime I ask you out it’s this and that and I can’t come. You’ve never cared about me being with others, no matter how much I hang out with them, you never react at all like you’re completely unrelated, the only thing you have in your heart is study, study, study. You don’t care what I do at all, I doubt I hold even half the importance of studying to you.

I forcefully shook off his hand and said coldly, “Since you think the other girls are better, then go find your other girls.”

“Don’t worry, this time, I won’t disturb or hinder you, you go concentrate on being your state rank one,” he called from behind me.

Back straight, I strode forwards until my figure had disappeared from his line of sight.

I was distressed, not understanding why despite trying with all my heart to be good for him, he rejected me so absolutely. I felt wronged and bitter, and so blamed his lack of appreciation. 

It was only many years later did I realize that back then, neither I nor he was wrong. What was wrong was that we were too young to understand each other’s love.

All I knew back then was that I liked him and wished the best for him so I couldn’t wait to help him, but I had used the wrong method.

Zhang Jun was a proud and egotistic boy. He wanted to take care of me, not the other way around. He was already trying so hard in silence to become outstanding and he felt pressured, stressed, and what he needed to know was how I felt towards him, not how amazing I was at studying. Nevertheless, his age made it so that he could only see my mouth constantly babbling on about studying and wasn’t able to see my heart which only wished for him to be confident and happy.

I didn’t go find Zhang Jun, and he didn’t come find me either. We started a cold war.

Before the yearlies, there was our last fitness test ever. It was said that if we weren’t able to pass, we wouldn’t be able to get our graduation certificate and we wouldn’t be able to attend the Gaokao.

Apart from sit-ups, I was horrible at everything. If I still wasn’t able to pass the eight-hundred metres, then I’d… I didn’t know what I’d do.

On the day of the run, it was drizzling in the morning, making the air moist and refreshing. The boys in my class congratulated me. “Even the heavens are helping you. You can definitely pass.”

I sighed. “I sure hope so.”

During the test, all the boys in the class stood next to the oval to cheer for me but I was still last. My feet felt as if they were made of lead and I got slower and slower. They sighed in disbelief. “That was only the first lap!”

“Luo Qiqi, there’s a million dollars waiting for you ahead of you.”

“Luo Qiqi, there’s a bunch of perverts chasing after you. Ahhhhhh, quickly, run!”

“Luo Qiqi, there’s a pack of lions at your heels, if you don’t run you’re gonna die! Roar, roar!”

…… 

The young sports teacher was confused. Since when did the oval become the African Savanna? He chuckled and told everyone to shut up.

The guys’ cheering was unable to make me run any faster. I was still holding on, hoping that I could find the strength to somehow speed up, but the instance I saw Zhang Jun amongst the crowd, all the strength sapped out of my body and I felt like giving up. 

When I finished the first lap, the teacher looked at the stopwatch and shook his head. “Two minutes thirty.”

Everyone was worried. Yang Jun and Ma Li shouted, “Luo Qiqi, how can you be this weak?”

Just as I started my feeble second lap, Zhang Jun suddenly ran to my side, took up my hand and pulled me forwards. His hands were so strong, and even though I was still panting, my speed got faster.

The cheers changed from “Go, Luo Qiqi, go”, to “Zhang Jun! Zhang Jun!”

All the noise on the oval disappeared. I felt like flying in the wind, my eyes blurry, my mind taken back to that windy, hailing day when he took my hand but stole my heart.

All these years, it was somehow more bitter than sweet. If time repeated itself, would I still pick the same path? Or would I rather not let him take my hand?

When I realised that Zhang Jun had stopped; I somehow managed to run to the end.

The sports teacher didn’t say anything about us cheating and pretended that he didn’t see anything. Stopping the watch, he said with regret in his voice, “Four minutes twenty, unfortunately not a pass.”

Everyone begged the teacher. “Sir, let her pass. We ignore the first lap and times the time of the second lap by two.”

“How about we do the test again next week but this time with Zhang Jun running with Luo Qiqi the entire time?”

“Luo Qiqi has to attend the Gaokao. Even if she was willing to not go, the school would never allow it!”

“Teach, please do us a favour, we’ll love you so much.”

The sports teacher got annoyed at everyone begging and with a large stroke, he changed the grades. He didn’t say anything but showed the grades to Zhang Jun for a bit before walking away immediately.

The guys were planning to follow the teacher to the staffroom to keep begging when Zhang Jun said, “She passed.”

Everyone jumped up and cheered. Ma Li teased Zhang Jun and I, “The moment you two started holding hands, the amount of people on the oval nearly doubled. Everyone was looking at you two. You two keep such a high profile, be careful of your class teacher coming to chat with you.”

I peeked at Zhang Jun who left without sparing me an extra glance.

I paused a little and hurriedly chased after him. He ignored me and I begged him softly, “Please, say something.”

I kept talking to him but he kept his face cold and said nothing. I wasn’t able to keep up my chatter, but I wasn’t willing to give up either so I could only follow him as close as I could.

I dogged him the entire way and he ignored me the entire time.

I followed him upstairs and just as he was about to enter his classroom, I tugged on his sleeves, forcing him to stop. He turned to look at me, as if waiting for me to say something. The students in his class all looked up in curiosity, gazing at us through the window. Under the eyes of everyone, I felt embarrassed and hurriedly let go of him. He looked a little disappointed but he didn’t say anything and walked into the classroom without looking back.

I went back to my classroom listlessly. The instance I entered, I slumped onto my table, tears brimming my eyes.

“All good now?” Yang Jun asked.

I shook my head.

“Broke up?”

I shook my head.

Tears fell silently onto my sleeves.

“Do you want to walk outside?” Yang Jun asked.

When all the tears streaks had been wiped away by my sleeves, when my voice no longer betrayed my weaknesses, I looked and said, “I don’t want to go to class.”

“No problem, I’ll take you down to the rural area on my bike.” Yang Jun answered cheerfully.

Yang Jun and I packed up our bags and truanted, not caring at all that we had a physics quiz right after.

I knew that wallowing in pity did nothing and if I was destined to lose Zhang Jun, I couldn’t afford to lose my grades as well, but that day, I was unable to control my heartache and only wanted to indulge myself. 

I didn’t sleep well that night either. I kept dreaming and waking up, but no matter which state I was in, Zhang Jun’s figure haunted me and I kept crying.

The next morning, I forced myself to get out of bed and read the instance the alarm rang. The time for emotions was gone, so even if I couldn’t take anything in, I still had to read. The reason men were called advanced intelligence creatures was that with our intelligence, we could use our logic to control and repress our behaviors.

Amidst the continuing cold war between Zhang Jun and I, finals came upon us without mercy.

I was still number one but Zhang Jun slipped all the way down to one hundred and eightieth. Guan He was sixty-somethingth.

When I looked down the ranking list, I suddenly realized that Guan He hadn’t entered the top twenty in a long time. Even Yang Jun and Lin Yiran would feel stress about their grades slipping, so Guan He was definitely not an exception, especially since she was not only carrying herself, but all of her mother’s hope.

I called to ask Guan He out and she replied with laughter in her voice, “My dear Luo Qiqi, not everyone is as smart as you and able to remain top in the grade no matter what happens. I need to study.”

She was unerringly polite, but I felt as if there was mockery in her words.

“I know that the workload right now is really big, but that’s exactly why we need time to relax. Come with me to go roller skating tonight. We haven’t hung out together since last summer holidays,” I said. 

Maybe she was reminded of last holiday when I would teach her roller skating every week, and she hesitated a little but finally accepted my request.

There were many people in the skating ground and as none of us had our mind on skating, we skated a little bit then sat at the side to rest.

Our topics were really bland and I tried several times to change the topic to study, but Guan He would always make a joke and change it back.

As the time to return the skates came ever closer, I built up my courage and decided to ask her directly. “Guan He, when I first saw your grades slipping I thought it was just normal stress or something and never paid much attention to it, but now I realized that it’s happened for many tests. Did something happen?”

Guan He smiled. “I’m not the only one whose grades are dropping. It’s probably because we’re too stupid and unable to get used to this ever more stressful year.”

“I might not understand the others but I know that you’re not like this. You’re very smart.”

Guan He paused and smiled, “Oh geez, how could I say that I’m smart in front of you? Stop teasing me!”

“Ever since the day you transferred into our class, I paid special attention to you. You’ve always been the smartest, most amazing girl and I refuse to believe that your grades are dropping because of your intellect.”

“You were paying attention to me?” she asked in disbelief.

“I’m not lying. I’ve paid attention to you since primary, envying how amazing you are and wishing that I could become like you and praying that fate could change me into someone like you. Did you know? On the primary graduation album, I only asked for one person to leave a message and that person was you. I would often flip through it  and everytime and I got to your words, I would feel so sad. I didn’t understand how someone could be so outstanding for even just a simple graduation comment to be written so beautifully.”

Guan He stared at me, lowered her head and said lightly, “I’ve stopped being outstanding a long time ago.”

“Grades are only a small part of defining how good you are. I think the most outstanding part of you is how you interact with the world. You’re so confident, sophisticated, calm and honest and these things make up your unique temperament. I’ve always wished to have your attitude.”

Guan He stayed silent for a long while before she finally opened her heart a little. “I started trying my hardest at studying since the start of first year and for the sake of study I’ve almost given up everything, but the more I tried, the more I fell.”

“Aren’t you giving yourself too much pressure?”

“How can’t I pressure myself? You know my family’s situation very well, all of my mom’s hopes rest on me! In our first year, whenever she saw my grades, no matter what I got, she would be annoyed and admonish me for not being first, but now that my grades are slipping, she’s stopped berating me for not being first, she’s started scolding me for being so disappointing and being a dishonour to her and my father down below.” 

There were glittering tears in Guan He’s eyes. She didn’t want me to see so she turned her head away and pretended to be wiping away sweat when in fact, she was wiping away her tears.

“Your mother is far too strict!” I suddenly realized how lucky I was, that my parents had never scolded me because of school. “You need to learn how to control the stress. Men can’t be without it because pressure leads to motivation but you can’t have too much pressure or it’ll crush you! Don’t take the weight of everything yourself, you need to let your mom know that you’re trying your hardest already, and tell her to not force you so much. Speed isn’t enough in many cases, and it just makes it harder to achieve your original goal.”

Guan He didn’t reply. I didn’t know if I had managed to hit the target. Compared to Lin Yiran and Yang Jun, Guan He was much more mature, but because of that, she was very good at hiding her emotions, making communicating with her immensely difficult.

Guan He suddenly smiled. “Stop talking about annoying study in such a rare outing. What’s going on with you and Zhang Jun? I heard that you two broke up, is that true?”

My heart rose in stress. “Did Zhang Jun tell you?”

“No, no, Zhang Jun didn’t say anything. It’s just that you guys haven’t been together in quite a while and Zhang Jun’s looked so depressed and his grades dropped so much, so everyone started guessing.”

“We had a fight a few days back.”

“Is that so.” Guan He looked at my expression and asked carefully, “Qiqi, do you still like Zhang Jun?”

I was too embarrassed to answer her so I only nodded.

The expression in Guan He’s eyes became complicated. “Why did you guys fight?”

“It’s so stupid, because of study. His grades weren’t able to rise up like we wanted so I talked about it a little and now he thinks that I only have studying in my heart and that I don’t care about him at all.”

The look in Guan He’s eyes became even more complicated but she smiled and said, “Let’s go back, otherwise my mother will scold me again.”

As it was the summer holidays, the school invited seniors who had managed to get into famous universities such as Tsinghua, Peking, and Fudan to tell us about their study experiences and share with us their university life. They also welcomed everyone to ask questions about study methods or about university degrees and life.

The atmosphere was very lively. It was like everyone had a billion questions that they wanted to ask: which school was better, which course was more popular, which degree got better jobs, which city didn’t mind outsiders…

When the principal invited Chen Jin on stage, the event was pushed to another climax.

“Chen Jin went to exchange at Hong Kong Chinese University and has also just come back from Europe. Next, let us welcome him to tell us about his experiences after graduating high school.”

Amidst the exuberant clapping, Chen Jin stepped onto the stage wearing a white shirt and grey pants, his temperament and demeanor completely changed from before. All of his sharpness had turned into restrained self-confidence, and since architecture was half based off of an arts degree, his movements showed a casual elegance and sophistication.

His speech was simple and short. He first introduced himself briefly and told us to ask him any question we wished. Yang Jun asked a question that would never have an answer, “Which one’s better, Tsinghua or Peking?”

“Tsinghua’s canteen is much better than Peking’s so if you want better food, then you should come to Tsinghua,” he joked. Taking a glance at the students from Peking sitting below, he continued, “Of course, men can not live on physical needs alone; they also have spiritual needs. In terms of dating, Peking is the more superior choice.”

Everyone laughed.

He also talked about Hong Kong Chinese University as per popular demand. The completely different teaching methods taught in pure English made everyone feel both curious and envious. Someone raised their hand. “Was it hard to become an exchange student to a European university?”

“It wasn’t easy because there were many people fighting for the opportunity, but it wasn’t hard either because it was all a matter of hard work.”

I smiled. He was doing an architectural course so he would never miss out on a chance to see the ancient architecture of Europe, no matter how difficult. 

Guan He raised her hand and asked a very girly question. “Is Paris as romantic as they say on TV?”

“Not only Paris, Venice and Greek too are beautiful and suitable for lovers. I went last time as a study trip but I sincerely wish that I’ll be able to journey in Europe for love sometime in the future.”

Everyone laughed again, including the principal and teachers. Amidst our laughter, we all felt as if we were no longer children but had matured into adults.

Many more questions were asked and he answered them all with humour and wits.

As the event drew to an end, the principal asked him what he wanted to say the most towards his juniors.

Chen Jin thought a little and said, “I used to be in the same grade as you guys. I know some people amongst you and understand some of you. I want to say that the outside world is spectacular so please, bravely fly out!”

Amidst the enthusiastic clapping, the alumni event ended. Many people were reluctant to leave and they surrounded the seniors and continued asking questions.

I slipped my hands into the pocket of my jeans and stepped outside the hall, looking up into the distance.

The blue sky, the white clouds, the bright sunlight, the world was spectacular but where was my magnificence? Zhang Jun? Was he willing to become my magnificence?

“Luo Qiqi!”

I turned around and saw Chen Jin lightly jogging towards me. “Hi!”

“Hey!”

We walked side by side along the boulevard. The school grounds were empty and silent because it was the summer holidays, making it seem as if the sky was extraordinarily tall, the wind unparalleledly clear, and the world as if it was a vast place.

He smiled. “Have you decided whether you’ll choose Tsinghua or Peking?”

“Probably neither.”

“Why?”

I didn’t want to answer him but gave him a simple smile. The highest rank Zhang Jun had ever gotten was twenty-ninth. It was impossible to get into either Tsinghua or Peking with those grades, but I had already decided that I wanted to go to the same school as him.

“If you don’t want to get into Tsinghua or Peking, why are you trying so hard?”

“I don’t know.”

“There’s no way that you wouldn’t know. Do you not want to tell me? If that’s the case, then just pretend that I never asked.”

His retreat worked to open me up. I thought about it and said, “I started studying studiously since the first year of high school, but at the start, I did for others, trying to grant their wishes. Eventually though, I started enjoying the process of studying despite the struggles, and the joy of receiving its rewards. Studying made me change a lot.”

Chen Jin listened intently, “What changes?”

“To outsiders, it was simply the change of a girl from being bad at studying to becoming top of the grade, but I know that there were greater changes to my personality. I can feel confident now no matter who I stand in front of. For example, when I saw you before, I would unconsciously believe that I would never be able to reach your heights. I would tell myself that we weren’t of the same world, but now, no matter what amazing results you get, I feel that as long as I put in enough effort, I can also achieve them. If I wasn’t able to do it then it only meant that I wasn’t trying hard enough.”

“From the moment we’re born, we begin repeating this process of sowing and reaping, and through this process, we gradually change into two types of people. One type achieves success through hard work and as time passes by, they become more and more willing to try and will become more and more successful, so their world is a happy one; the other type of person wishes for success but is unwilling to put the effort in so they can only reap failures. As time goes on, they will become more and more unwilling to try, and fail more and more, so their world is a sad one. Studying may appear simple and boring, but it’s the thing that occupies the first ten or so years of your life. To create a positive and optimistic personality through this process of pain and gain is more important to your life than simply grades,” Chen Jin said.

“Mm.” I nodded. “When I was a kid, I was confused and doubtful when I thought about the future. I didn’t know what kind of person I would become and what would become of my life but now, even though I still feel confusion, I’m no longer afraid of the future because I know that as long as I work hard, I can control my own life and become who I want to become.

Chen Jin laughed. “You said that you were only studying for others at the start, but later, you started studying for yourself. You enjoy the feeling of success after hard work. A change in motivation means a change in goal. It doesn’t matter whether or not you get into Tsinghua or Peking, those are only momentary glories. What’s important is what type of life you want to live.”

I didn’t reply but I completely agreed to what he had just said. When I was reading Liu Yong and San Mao* and fell in love with the world flowing out of their pen tips, and wished to travel the world myself, I knew that I was no longer that girl who was willing to stay in a single city for their entire life.

(Famous Chinese authors who writes kind of like adventure stories for children that are actually quite dark)

We walked until the end of the avenue and we both stopped and turned around to look at the red brick building that was our classroom.

The white poplar trees next to the road reached up to the sky. Students walked by in groups of three or five, their eyes youthful, full of confidence, filling the school with the sound of their laughter.

“Do you see?” Chen Jin asked.

I understood that he was not only pointing at the scene in front of me, but rather the exciting world in front of our youth. I nodded. “I see.”

Zhang Jun, Guan He and Huan Wei walked over, chatting and laughing. It was only when we were right in front of each other did they see Chen Jin and I standing next to the stairs.

Having just seen the blue sky and white clouds, my heart was feeling soft, and clean and I gazed at them, smiling.

Guan He looked at Chen Jin and I curiously, the envy in her eyes hidden, but Huang Wei turned her head away in disdain, although it clearly lacked confidence.

Chen Jin waved to Zhang Jun who stopped and chatted with Chen Jin a little, but never once looked at me.

In a split second, the brightness that talking with Chen Jin brought to me vanished. I felt so tired. Even though it might have appeared to an outsider that my grades weren’t affected at all, that I was the careless person in this relationship, my weight dropped from 100 to 91.5 pounds* in a few weeks. Only I knew of the exhaustion of my mind and body.

(*45kg to 41kg)

When Zhang Jun had left, I said my goodbyes to Chen Jin. “Thank you.”

“No problem, I hope that I’ll be able to treat you to lunch next year’s September in Tsinghua.”

I smiled and walked towards the maths block.

One one side, there was the ever-more stressful school year, on the other was the continued fight between Zhang Jun and I.

Lin Yiran and Yang Jun treated me carefully, their sympathy as clear as day, but I had to force my spirit up to pretend that I didn’t care.

With nowhere to vent out my frustrations, pimples started popping up on my forehead. My body started to give out before my heart.

Over-exhaustion made me crave for a result, whether it be good or bad.

I decided to give the choice to Zhang Jun to make.

After school was finished, I went to find Zhang Jun but he ignored me.

I called his name several times but he continued walking so I could only say behind him, “If you want to break up, then let us break up.”

He suddenly stopped and turned to look at me.

“It’s really annoying for us to just leave things in a tangle like this. We might as well clear it out and walk our own roads. If you want to break up, then let’s break up,” I said.

After a while, he asked with a hoarse voice, “Do you have a new crush?”

“No.”

He looked at me, silent.

I forced a smile. “Since you don’t have any objections, then let’s break up! Goodbye!”

I strode towards outside the school gates, my steps firm, my heart in pain. I wanted to force myself to give up but I wasn’t ready to truly let him go in my heart, so I had to leave the final decision up to him.

What would his decision be?

The first day, I waited anxiously. There was no response from him.

The second day, I was tormented by it but he still didn’t appear.

On the third day, I wanted to find him and tell him that I regretted it and that I didn’t want to break up, but whatever remained of my pride and logic kept me in control.

A week after my break up with Zhang Jun, he finally reappeared before my eyes.

That morning, the moment I walked outside the door, I saw him waiting for me downstairs. In that moment, my heart which had been under so much turmoil finally calmed down. All the pain, anxiety and sorrow all vanished. It turned out no matter how much I tried to control my emotions logically, the reign over them had always been in his hands.

Still, was it good to give over control over one’s emotion to another person? He was able to push me away at any moment.

“I don’t want to break up, I want to make up. Can we?” he said.

“I have one condition.”

“I promise you.” Zhang Jun promised without even asking.

“No matter what happens between us, never give up on study. Men should never mistake decadence for sorrow.”

Zhang Jun looked at me in surprise and disappointment. “I promise.”

“Sadness is sadness, and decadence is decadence. Sadness is because of the past but decadence will destroy your future. Never degrade yourself because of sadness and bury your future along with your past.

Zhang Jun made no comment towards what I said and only asked, “Are we together again?”

I silently nodded but I felt no happiness, only the exhaustion of surviving. This time, I was able to win the bet but what about next time?

It was as if I had changed into two completely different people. In the realm of emotions, I loved him truly, but in the realm of logic, I only avoided him.

In this world, everything had a turning point. Before the turning point, things would develop towards one direction but after the point was passed, it would start going towards another direction.

Many years later, I would often wonder if he had chosen to not confess to the past on his birthday, but had allowed me to confess my feelings towards him, if I ran down stairs to meet him that night when he was drunk, if he was willing to talk to me after we ran the eight-hundred metre, would everything had changed?

Unfortunately, there weren’t so many ‘ifs’.

Zhang Jun acted differently towards me from before. I felt that he wasn’t happy about our reconciliation this time.

Everyday, he would make reluctant compromises, accommodate me carefully, and bluff his happinesses.

Maybe I was also full of ‘ifs’ in his world, but reality was not built on possibilities. Such was destiny.

Many years later, when I was sitting in a New York cafe reading books, I suddenly came across this line: “人们将生命中的错误聚集到一起，创造出一个恶魔，叫命运。”

“Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call destiny.”