Chapter 2
An Education for These Sheltered Girls!
1
Arriving in the capital by Teleport, we found ourselves in front of the royal castle for the first time in a while. Two guards stood by the entrance gate, giving us fishy looks.
“Halt! Authorized personnel only past this point! Adventurers should keep their distance!”
I showed the high-and-mighty guard my letter, complete with the royal seal. “I’m Kazuma Satou, an adventurer from Axel Town here on business for Princess Iris.”
The sight of the royal seal sure changed their tune; the guards quickly straightened up. “P-pardon us, sir…! We’ll summon our superior immediately; please wait here! May we bring your envelope with us?”
“I suppose so,” I said, putting on some airs of my own. All it got me was a jab in the ribs from Darkness.
Inspecting the contents of the envelope, the guards happened to look at the letter. “Hey, this letter’s been torn… What’s going on…?”
“Uh, you can just ignore that! I mean, things happen when you’re an adventurer, right? Monsters and stuff. I’m sure you understand!”
“Indeed, indeed… Let us show you to the waiting area.”
I could hardly tell them that, enraged, I had shredded a letter from the royal family, but they seemed to buy my excuse, and one of the guards led us to a reception area.
We each took a seat, and I proceeded to squeeze the local gossip out of the guard, which he handed over eagerly. “Kazuma Satou is a name we’ve been hearing even here in the capital recently. After all, he helped Lady Dustiness lead a major battle on the front lines, bringing our forces to victory. You hear stories about the quick-witted, many-talented Kazuma, leader of a party that also includes the noble Crusader Lady Dustiness and an Arch-wizard who boasts incredible magic power, plus the plaster-monger they brought along.”
“Say, do any of these rumors happen to mention a gorgeous Arch-priest?”
When you got right down to it, our party had defeated more generals of the Demon King than anyone else. It was actually weird that we weren’t more famous.
“At the moment, the only two names that are widely known from the party are Mr. Kazuma and Lady Dustiness, but could it be that young woman over there is the great wizard, the user of Explosion? I can’t imagine why someone who put on such an astonishing display should not have given her name. The rumors say you’re a humble, mysterious personage who modestly shuns the spotlight…”
At the soldier’s description, Megumin let the slightest smile creep onto her face. Maybe she thought she looked like someone really clever. She answered quietly, “…Ah, is that what the rumors say? Yes, I suppose I could be called humble. After all, I’m the one who has given Kazuma all the money I made on our adventures.”
“Hey, no one’s said my name yet. I’m famous all over this world, and I haven’t heard my name yet.”
I thought there was a very different reason Megumin didn’t want her name to be widely known, but she was so taken with the idea of being mysterious and self-effacing that she had completely forgotten about it.
The soldier grew only more impressed. “I-incredible! So you’re saying you have no interest at all in money or fame?!”
“Heh… The sole thing I seek is true mastery of magic. When Kazuma begged me to join his party, this was what I said: ‘I ask but a minimum of remuneration for sustenance and living. The only other thing I request is a chance to make the best use of my powers’ …!”
“Woooooow!”
The way I remember it was, when I threatened to kick her out of the party, she cried and begged me to let her stay, even if I paid her only a minimum for food and survival.
But at that moment…
“Ahhh! It really is you!”
Someone appeared in the doorway of the waiting area with an audible groan. I recognized the wizard who stood there with a hood hiding her face. It was Lain, the noblewoman who was also Iris’s tutor and bodyguard.
“Of course it’s me. Iris asked for me personally; did you know that? I’ve got to say, normally I would expect more, you know, awards and banquets for a party that’s defeated yet another general of the Demon King.”
“Urgh… W-well…” Lain blanched and looked away. Maybe it was a prick of conscience. It didn’t last long, though: She grabbed Darkness’s arm, pulled her out of the room, and had a hushed conversation in which they both kept stealing glances at me.
“Lady Dustiness, didn’t you tell me you were going to find some way to refuse this request? Leaving Lady Iris in his hands is sure to create a diplomatic incident…!”
“Believe me, I tried, but his resistance was stronger than I expected. Luckily, he thinks he broke me, so his guard is down. When we get to the neighboring capital, I’ll slip him something so he’ll be asleep the entire time Lady Iris is there.”
“Ooh, just the kind of brilliant plan I’d expect from you, Lady Dustiness! I can rest easy, then!”
…Those two were definitely plotting something. Did this mean that when Darkness had tied me up, it had been on orders from the state? And if you’re wondering how I could even understand what they were whispering to each other…
“What’s wrong, Kazuma? Why are you staring at those two so hard?”
“Oh, I was just checking out whether my newest skill works.”
That’s right: It was thanks to my new Read Lips skill. It allowed you to get the gist of someone’s conversation from watching their mouths. I didn’t have any big plans for it; I’d learned it mostly so I could kill time eavesdropping on the other adventurers at the Guild—but it was coming in handy.
Suddenly, there was a commotion outside the waiting room.
“Kazuma Satou! Is it true Kazuma Satou is here?!”
I knew that voice. It belonged to a woman I didn’t always get along with.
We all looked over to see an imperious noble in her trademark white suit: Claire, Iris’s bodyguard, came storming into the room.
The moment she saw me, Claire grabbed my arm and dragged me to a corner of the room.
“What’s up, White Suit? Let me guess: You didn’t want me here, either?”
I was on my guard, but Claire leaned in and whispered, “Don’t call me ‘White Suit,’ you rogue. I’m actually glad you’re here. I thank you for coming.”
……
That only made me even more suspicious. “You’re thanking me? What’s going on? What are you planning?”
“I’m not planning anything… Okay, that’s not entirely true. Here, I have something for you.”
Claire took the sigil of her house that hung on a pendant around her neck and gave it to me. Darkness had one of those, too. It proved you were of noble birth, and it was extremely valuable.
“…Seriously, what’s going on? What, have you secretly been in love with me this whole time? I hate to break it to you, but I’ve been getting in good with another girl. An upright and faithful man like me can’t allow myself to go any further than this. I’m sorry, but you’ll just have to give up on me.”
“What idiotic fantasies are you having? And how can you shoot me down before I’ve even said anything?” Claire flinched when she realized how loud her voice had gotten. She glanced around and regained her composure. “The point is, I think we can cooperate this time. I know there are good political reasons for entertaining this match, but…personally, I’m fundamentally against the idea of Lady Iris’s engagement.”
“Go on.”
Now she had my attention. Claire pulled something out of a pouch. “Lady Iris’s intended is the first prince of our neighboring nation. His soft upbringing, however, has made him a spoiled brat. Lady Iris far exceeds him in her talent for battle, and he would never look right beside the sweetest and most beautiful princess in the entire world. Not to mention, Elroad belittles our nation. If Lady Iris was to marry into its aristocracy, I’m sure people would sneer at her as a country bumpkin behind her back… Hence why I’m giving you this.”
Looking at me with something less than enthusiasm, Claire passed me a black pouch.
“What’s this?”
“It’s a powerful elixir nobles use when they wish to bury a political opponent…”
I sent the pouch flying as soon as it landed in my palm.
“Hey! Do you know how expensive that was?!”
“You can’t make me your pet assassin! I’m more than happy to ruin this wedding, but I refuse to sacrifice myself in the process! I know what you really want. You want a good, clean way to kill me and Prince Jerkwad!”
Claire gave a little click of her tongue. “Fine. Then there’s something I want to ask of you in addition to your bodyguard duties. So long as you have that necklace I gave you, you can exercise the authority of the Sinfonia house with impunity. In this one instance, consider my family to be your backers. I will not give Lady Iris to this nobody. Break this engagement any way you can.”
“In that case, gladly. They won’t make Iris unhappy on my watch. Just leave it to me. If this kid is as much of a little snot as you say, I’ll do whatever it takes to stop this.”
Claire’s face lit up at my prompt reply. “I guess I misjudged you. Allow me to apologize for all my past rudeness. I’m entrusting the matter of Lady Iris to you.”
“Nah, look, I’m sorry, too. I guess you really do care about Iris. I may not look like much, but I’ve faced down a lot of enemies way more dangerous than some punk prince. This one’s in the bag.”
Iris had been the cause of so much fighting between us, but in that instant, we buried the hatchet. Claire and I locked our hands in a firm shake.
“To me at this moment, you seem the most stalwart companion in this room. I can’t leave this country, but there’ll be a reward waiting for you when you get back.”
“And me, I’m glad to have such a powerful supporter. As for my reward, when this is all over, let’s grab a drink and you can tell me some hilarious stories about when Iris was a little girl.”
“Ah, sir, there isn’t an ounce of greed in you. I’ll regale you with stories all night long. Little Lady Iris concealed a considerable talent for destruction.”
Then, ignoring everyone else in the room, we shared a smile…
“You two sure seem to be getting along.” The voice, almost sad, came out of the blue. I turned and saw a young girl just peeking through the doorway, fidgeting shyly.
The second Princess Iris met my eyes, she said bashfully, “It’s been so long, Elder Brother. I’ve been so eager to see you…!”
2
We were led behind the royal castle, where we found ourselves standing in front of a carriage that looked plain and simple but was made of sturdy stuff.
Well actually, carriage wasn’t quite the right word. There were no wheels and no horses to pull it.
“Lizard Runners! Kazuma, look, Lizard Runners!” Megumin tugged excitedly on my sleeve.
Yes, attached to this carriage-ish thing were two lizards. Two of the frilled freaks I’d once dealt with on a hunting quest, standing and honking only a few feet away.
“Kyun kyun skreee!”
Megumin and Aqua were grinning at the creatures’ shrieks, which were admittedly pretty cute for such scary-looking monsters.
When Darkness saw the vehicle, she said, “Ugh, we’re using one of the royal lizard-drawn carriages? I thought this meeting was supposed to be secret.”
“A typical horse-drawn conveyance would take too long. The journey is ten days by conventional carriage, but this vehicle will get you there in a fraction of the time.” As she offered this explanation, Claire mumbled something under her breath, then put a hand on the lizard carriage. It rose several feet off the ground, then just floated there.
Ah, so that was why it didn’t have any wheels. This way, there would be hardly any resistance as the Lizard Runners pulled the carriage. It really would be faster.
“I don’t know if I could survive ten days without seeing Lady Iris. Let alone the twenty days a simple round trip would entail. So we’re doing this instead.”
“Why don’t you come with us already?” I said, not entirely facetiously, but Claire grimaced.
“You heard her. This trip is supposed to be kept quiet. If there was too much of an entourage, people would start to wonder which noble was making their way about. It’s the same reason we’ve made the carriage so plain. What’s more, the country needs me here to lead it. I have much work to do. My post can’t be left vacant for so long.”
Personally, I was a little worried for the nation’s future with this lady in charge.
Just then, Darkness hopped up on the driver’s bench and picked up the lizards’ reins. Apparently, she was actually planning to be our driver. As a noble, she must know how to handle horses.
The only problem was, these weren’t horses. But I didn’t think she would like hearing that. So as concerned as I was about leaving our ride in her hands…
To my surprise, it looked like we were Iris’s only bodyguards for this trip. I was sort of grateful: That meant fewer people to scold me if they thought I was being too friendly with Iris.
All the preparations had been made before we got there. Iris was in the carriage, dressed in armor worthy of a member of the royal family and carrying a sparkling sword. She was eager to get going. “Elder Brother, come over here! The seat next to me is open. We can play games on the way there, like the ones you taught me last time!”
“Oh? Eager to spend time with your big bro, huh, Iris? Well, Big Bro’s eager to spend time with you, too!”
Iris patted the seat beside her excitedly. She must have been really lonely, not seeing me for so long. She seemed way friendlier than when we had said good-bye last time.
Megumin, who had climbed in behind me, shoved her face up close to Iris’s. “Hey, it is unheard of for a minion to claim the best seat! This spot behind the driver’s bench with its excellent view, I call for myself! Give it to me, or I won’t invite you to play anymore!”
“Th-that’s no fair! That has nothing to do with this, and today, I’m not a minion, I’m a princess! I’m big and important! I won’t give you this spot, and if you want it, you can fight me for it!”
I could’ve sworn they hadn’t seen each other in a long time. And I had no idea what they were talking about. Claire and Lain just put their heads in their hands as if this was par for the course.
“…Hey, Darkness, you guys haven’t been visiting Iris without telling me, have you? It seems like these two got awfully close outta nowhere.”
“N-no, nothing of the sort… What really bothers me is Megumin referring to Lady Iris as a ‘minion.’”
We stared at the girls questioningly, but in any event, they seemed to have settled their seating dispute.
“Very well, then, Iris and I shall share the spots behind the driver’s bench.”
“Yes, and you won’t beat me on the way there. Whoever loses this game has to listen to the person who wins!”
Huh?
“Uh, I thought you were fighting over who got to sit next to me. So how did this happen?”
Incidentally, the lizard-drawn carriage could seat four. The interior boasted two benches for two people each.
“I’ll sit next to Darkness. After all, what I want most is to see the scenery go by.” Aqua, eager for the view, clambered up beside our driver. That left me by myself.
Huh? This can’t be right.
What happened to my elegant, sexy trip?
As I grumbled and climbed into the carriage, Claire came up to Iris. “Lady Iris, have you forgotten anything? Do you have your handkerchief? Some pocket change in case there’s an emergency? Don’t hesitate to use any of the scrolls or magic items I gave you if you need them, okay? And if you get lonely, please, please try not to cry…”
“Claire, I’m not a little girl anymore. I’ll be fine. In fact, if you don’t let go of me, we won’t be able to get started…”
Claire was giving Iris a hug from which she didn’t seem to have any intention of releasing her; Lain finally pried her away from the princess. “Very well, Lady Iris. Try not to overexert yourself, and have a safe trip!”
“Kazuma Satou, I’m trusting you with Lady Iris! You have my permission to slice up any impertinent goon who tries to lay a finger on her! …Lady Iriiiiiiiis!”
Iris looked at the two women bidding her farewell. “I’ll see you both later!” she said with a wave.
Darkness gave a snap of the reins, and the Lizard Runners started running!
3
This quest was going to be half work, half travel—a nice, easy carriage ride.
Or so I thought…
“Waaaaaaaah, Kazuma! Kazumaaaaa!! Change seats with me! This is terrifying!”
“Whoa, aren’t we going a little fast? If we get in an accident, we’re all gonna die!”
Aqua was worse than surprised by the Lizard Runners’ speed, and I added my own shouts to the commotion. With the carriage floating on thin air, the Runners reached an almost frightening speed.
“It’s all right, Kazuma—royal lizard-drawn carriages are reinforced with powerful barriers. Even if we do get in an accident, only the driver’s bench will be crushed. Ha-ha-ha-ha, this is fantastic! These are the best Lizard Runners I’ve ever seen! Onward, you beasts! Faster, faster!”
“Stop! Please let me back in the carriage!”
Darkness seemed unusually excited, and Aqua was about to break into tears; meanwhile, Iris and Megumin were playing like children.
“Kazuma, Kazuma! Look, some manticores are doing it over there!”
“Wh-where?! I wanna see manticores!”
The girls were all but climbing over each other to look out the window. Maybe they had forgotten their game in the face of the scenery whipping by, or maybe this was the first trip like this they had taken.
“You don’t want to see manticores; you want to see animals doing it,” said Megumin. “Sheesh. We have one noblewoman trying to put the moves on Kazuma and now a perverted little royal… I really wonder if this country is going to survive.”
“The royal family isn’t perverted! Or…little. Who was this noblewoman who tried to put the moves on Elder Brother? Could it be…?”
Darkness, finding herself under the scrutiny of the two excitable children, blushed.
“Hey, uh, what happens if a monster hits us while we’re going this speed?! I’ll have you know that if a revered entity like me goes splat, this world is going to end! Darkness, are you listening to me?!”
“Stop fretting, Aqua. This carriage is equipped with monster-repelling magical items, so it would very rarely encounter a monster. Just so long as our luck isn’t exceptionally bad…”
“Kazuma, did you hear Darkness trip that flag?! Pleeeease let me into the carriage!”
I never expected a royal bodyguard mission to be so noisy. Was it going to be like this every day? For that matter, I was just noticing that we hadn’t done any actual bodyguarding.
I was really starting to worry, but then my concerns were literally blown away.
“ Exterion !”
Iris shouted, and the sword she was holding produced a glowing slash.
It was exactly the sort of awesome finishing move a great hero in a manga or a game would have, and it sliced the bull-like monster in front of us clean in two.
Maybe Darkness really had tripped a flag, because we had found our path blocked by a herd of monsters. We obviously couldn’t simply plow right through them, so we stopped the carriage, assuming that all we had to do was jump out and exterminate them…
I beckoned Darkness over. “What’s going on? Why is Iris so strong? If she’s got moves like that, why are we even here?”
“Lady Iris is part of the royal family. The imperial line and some of the more prominent noble houses have gone out of their way over the ages to bring powerful heroes into their bloodlines, drastically increasing their powers. Plus, they get the best education in every field. And they have a near-limitless supply of the most XP-rich food, so they can raise their level constantly, and they fight with powerful weapons bequeathed to them by those heroes. Didn’t you know that His Majesty and the first prince are fighting on the front lines even now?”
I obviously didn’t. Anyway, if they were so strong, why didn’t the royal family just go take out the Demon King?
I’d thought it was strange that we were the only bodyguards. As I recoiled slightly at the show of strength, Iris came up to me, grinning from ear to ear and clasping her sword to her chest. “What did you think of that, Elder Brother? I really tried my hardest!”
When she looked at me, desperate for validation, pretty much everything else faded into insignificance. “That’s my little sister,” I said. “Maybe you’re not quite at my level (I’ve dealt with a lot of generals of the Demon King, after all), but strength like that definitely earns a passing grade. Let’s keep up the good work.”
“I don’t know where you get your confidence, Elder Brother, but let me handle things! I can use this sacred treasure, passed down through my family generation after generation, to sweep away any monsters that try to get their hands on us! Just watch me!”
Did this kid say “sacred treasure”…?
“Hey, tell me about that sword. It looks super expensive, and it’s, like…glowy.”
“What, this? It’s a national treasure: Something-calibur. I guess it’s a divine treasure that protects the user from all kinds of status ailments and curses? I thought the scabbard was really pretty, so I bugged Daddy until he let me have it.”
The name “Something-calibur” rang a bell with me. It reminded me of something Megumin had scribbled on me when I died once.
For that matter, that sword was famous. Was there anyone in the world who didn’t know about it?
Megumin, whom I normally would have expected to be complaining about having her moment stolen by the grinning Iris, seemed in surprisingly high spirits.
“I expect no less from my minion and left hand. Anywhere we may find monsters, please continue to slice them apart just so.”
“Yes! Leave it to me!”
You’ve got that backward. “Leave it to me”? We’re supposed to be the bodyguards here!
“Hey, Megumin, what’s all this ‘minion’ and ‘left hand’ business? Have you been up to some shenanigans while my back was turned? I’ve got a bad feeling asking this, but you’ve only been exchanging letters with Iris, right?”
“Shenanigans? I resent that. Everything we are doing is upright and just. All I have done recently is work with my right hand and left hand to set up a base and extend our territory. Maybe when our organization grows large enough, we’ll even let you in, Kazuma.”
So she was playing around building some secret hideout or something with her friends. She still had this really childish side to her, even if she did know how to make my heart beat out of my chest when we were alone…
4
Day one of our trip to the neighboring country.
To be honest, I never expected Iris to be so strong.
It was getting dark, so we decided to set up camp for the night. We had just climbed out of the lizard-drawn carriage.
“You’re really something, Lady Iris. You must have worked so hard to get that strong.” Darkness sounded like an older sister complimenting her younger sibling: Iris had buried all the monsters we’d met on the way almost as soon as we saw them.
Yep. Her so-called bodyguards were nothing more than an audience. Not that I objected to a nice, easy ride on Iris’s coattails.
No, I didn’t object, but as her older brother, I hated to, y’know, see my awesomeness take such a hit…
“I seem to recall you helped me train once, Lalatina. I hope you can see how strong it made me. I give you my thanks, Lalatina.”
“Heh-heh! Think nothing of it, Princess.”
Iris sounded almost shy; Darkness smiled to receive her ruler’s praise.
……
“Didn’t you tell me once that House Dustiness was charged with protecting the royal family? But you didn’t protect anyone today. You got protected the whole time.”
“?!” Darkness froze at my casual invective. “I d-don’t know what you’re talking about. I thought nice, easy monsters like the ones we saw today would be excellent combat practice for Lady Iris…!”
She couldn’t hide the tremor in her voice, but Iris was quick to interject. “Elder Brother, Lalatina is the royal family’s protector in emergencies. She is our nation’s armor and shield. There was no need to bother Lalatina with such trivial opponents. If I was ever truly in need, I’m sure she would jump to my aid!”
“L-Lady Iris…!” Darkness clung to the little girl, deeply moved; Iris patted her head to comfort her. A moment ago, Darkness had looked like Iris’s proud older sister, but now it was impossible to say who was older and who was younger.
One thing was for sure: Darkness was just as much of a handful as ever. The rest of us ignored her and started setting up camp.
When I thought about it, I realized this was the first serious camping we had ever done. We didn’t normally get too far from home. I had missed my chance to strut my stuff as a bodyguard, so I would really have to kill the whole setting-up-a-tent thing to get my clout as Big Bro back.
While I was getting fired up for camping, Darkness, who seemed to have gotten herself back under control, pulled out some sort of magical item–looking thing.
“I’ll prepare our lodgings, Lady Iris, so please step back.”
With that, she tossed a square object into the closest clearing. It sparkled and instantaneously expanded into a small but obviously noble mansion.
“…Okay, what?”
“What do you mean, ‘what’? Surely you don’t imagine the princess of a major country would sleep in the dirt? This is one of the most valuable magical items the country possesses, thoroughly fortified against monsters, highly portable…”
“Just forget about all that already! Seriously, why the hell are we even here?!”
I might have been angry enough to interrupt Darkness’s explanation of her little toy, but there was no question that the mansion was nicer than sleeping in a tent. It even had a garage attached for the carriage. We went inside, stashed our bags, and then got down to the business of relaxing.
My one little act of defiance was to insist that I do the cooking using my skill. The rest of the crew was searching through the house, deciding which rooms they wanted.
I figured, Iris being a princess, she might be getting tired of sumptuous banquets every day. I would make her something she wouldn’t normally get to eat.
I took stock of the kitchen, including the available ingredients. There was no way sewers or running water existed in the middle of the wilderness like this, yet when I turned on the faucet, water came happily burbling out. Frankly, it was enough to kind of tick me off.
A voice came from behind me. “Elder Brother, could I help you in any way?”
I turned around to see Iris poking her head around the door of the kitchen.
“Can’t ask a princess to help in the kitchen, can I? You just sit back and watch what I can do.”
“A princess can at least help a little! They never let me help cook at the castle, no matter how many times I ask. Leave it to the servants, they say…”
She looked so downcast. I felt a little guilty.
Of course they wouldn’t let a sheltered child like her do any cooking.
…Okay.
“All righty, then, maybe you can help a little. But cooking isn’t as easy as it looks, okay? Be sure to do what I say and be careful not to get hurt.”
“Sure thing, Elder Brother!”
I almost went weak in the knees when I saw how her face lit up. I looked through the magical refrigerator to find some ingredients she could prep easily. I needed a recipe she wouldn’t be familiar with but that was simple enough for me to handle.
“Okay then, we’re gonna do fried rice and pot stickers.”
“Right! Um… fryed rise and pot sticklers ? What kind of food is that?”
I grabbed a cabbage out of the refrigerator. “Fried rice is fried rice. They say there isn’t a person alive who doesn’t love fried rice, even if sheltered girls like you and Darkness might not know about it.”
“Is it really that popular? I’m sorry to say I really don’t know about it. Please enlighten me!”
Basking in Iris’s reverent gaze, I felt myself starting to grin a little as I slapped the cabbage down on a cutting board. “First, we make the filling for the pot stickers! That means cabbage, chives, ground meat… Eeeyikes!”
“Oh no, the cabbage!”
The cabbage on the cutting board had only been playing dead. The moment I tried to bring my knife down on it, it flew away and darted out the open window. I’d left the window open to vent any smoke, but it had come back to bite me.
“…So you see, Iris, keeping your guard up while cooking is a matter of life and death. Just keep that in mind.”
“Elder Brother, I may not know much, but even I know you have to make sure to check whether the food’s still alive!”
That night.
“Kazuma, what have you served us? I’ve never seen this before.” Darkness was intrigued by the stuff on the table.
After the incident with the first head of cabbage, and an epic struggle with a second, and Iris being viciously ambushed by the onions we were going to put into the fried rice, and a few other little hiccups besides, we successfully prepared fried rice and pot stickers, along with some egg soup.
“Lalatina, this is called fried rice. It is said there isn’t a person alive who doesn’t love it,” Iris informed her. “I helped prepare it myself!”
“You did?! Well, what a hard worker. I can’t wait to try it.”
Darkness smiled broadly to see Iris so proud of her work. I tried a quick bite, too, and was pleased with what we had made. Iris and Darkness, though, were reflecting on the food with genuine seriousness.
“Lalatina, I can see why this dish is so popular. All one does to make this ‘fried rice’ is cook it over a fire, yet the flavor is so complex.”
“There are no expensive ingredients in this, are there? I can’t imagine why something so delicious never became popular among the noble families…”
Uh, probably because if you served pot stickers and fried rice at some fancy imperial banquet, someone would flip a table over?
The two guileless girls savored this most common of meals and turned admiring eyes on me. Meanwhile, I could feel Aqua and Megumin watching me with distinctly less respectful looks.
“Say, Kazuma, let me cook tomorrow night. I’ll make something super-delicious for you.”
“Well then, the day after tomorrow shall be my turn to cook. I shall serve a dish widely beloved in Crimson Magic Village.”
With Megumin, it was one thing, but Aqua normally hated to cook. Huh. Well, there was plenty of trip left. I was grateful for the help.
“Hey, Kazuma, this ‘potato chip’ dessert of yours is divine.”
“Yes, I can’t stop eating them!”
As I watched the two girls enjoy the post-meal junk food, my thoughts turned to the journey ahead.
5
“Come on, Elder Brother—hurry up! Let’s do more cooking!”
It was the next evening. Iris had once again kicked the butts of every monster that got in our way. The only thing of any note that happened was when her performance spurred Megumin to compete by letting off an explosion.
“You sure are getting into this, Iris,” Aqua said. “I like your spunk. I’m going to show you something extra special tonight!”
“Really? Thank you so much! I promise to work hard!”
Iris and I weren’t the only ones in the kitchen. Aqua had joined us. And frankly, I was a little annoyed. Megumin I could ignore, but Aqua seemed intent on teaching our unworldly companions, Iris and Darkness, the strangest things while we were on this trip.
Speaking of Megumin, who had used up all her magic, Darkness was keeping her company.
Aqua peered into the refrigerator and pulled out an assortment of ingredients.
“Tonight’s dinner is tuna-mayo rice!”
She grinned broadly, hands on her hips.
Was she insane?
It was bad enough I had given the princess fried rice. We were going to pay for this later.
“Another dish I’ve never heard of. Are all of Elder Brother’s acquaintances so knowledgeable?”
“You don’t get to be an Arch-priest as great as I am without learning a thing or two, see? This is a nice, quick dish you can make when you’re in a hurry. That’s very important for adventurers, for whom even a second of inattention can be the difference between life and death, understand?”
“I see! A meal for busy adventurers!”
Aqua was hardly done with her absurd explanation before she had shredded the tuna and slapped it on the rice with some mayonnaise.
“Finished!”
“Very simple!”
Not to sound like a broken record, but was she insane?
She seemed to realize that maybe fish, rice, and condiments weren’t enough for a meal, because she was rooting around in the refrigerator…
“I don’t think this’ll cut it by itself. I’ll make you some dry-seasoned rice and some egg-fried rice to go with it.”
“Of course! I can’t wait!” Iris was looking at the tuna-mayo rice with keen interest and smiling enthusiastically.
When I finished bringing everyone’s food to the table, I found the two “young ladies” once again examining their dinner, deeply intrigued.
“Lalatina, did you know you can make this dish in the blink of an eye? It hardly takes a full minute to prepare.”
“Is that true, Lady Iris? Hey, Kazuma, why didn’t you ever tell us there was such convenient food around? This stuff would be worth it for ease of preparation alone.”
I think everyone but you already knows about it.
“You can put soy sauce or salt or even hot sauce on your rice for a totally fresh experience,” Aqua said, pouring hot sauce on her food and then eating it as gracefully as if it was some hoity-toity gourmet thing.
“…Aqua, I always took you for just a simple know-nothing, honestly. But I see now that appearances can be deceiving. Forgive me for being so shallow.” Darkness, who was eating her rice the same way—that is to say, like a noble—bowed her head.
“You have a lot left to learn about the world. You and Iris are both sheltered young ladies, so it’s only natural. When the time comes, I’ll teach you all sorts of useful things, like how to get all the ice cream off the lid of an ice-cream cup.”
Just knowing that seemed like something that would make an aristocrat mad at you. I wanted to cut in with a smart remark, but Iris and Darkness were looking at Aqua with such admiration that I didn’t want to spoil the moment.
I, meanwhile, was eating my tuna-mayo rice with appropriate enjoyment, but Megumin was wolfing it down like it was a feast. I was starting to worry about what we would be served the next evening, but more to the point, the day after tomorrow, we would arrive in the capital of Elroad.
It would be fine. Megumin would be cooking for only one night. And she wasn’t a terrible chef.
Yeah, it would be just fine…
6
“It went that way, Iris! Try not to let it pinch your fingers!”
“Got it—leave it to me! Oh, there’s another lobster between the rocks!”
One more day till we reached Elroad.
We had spotted a river as we traveled and took a short break there at Megumin’s insistence.
“This lobster seems awfully small, Megumin. Are we really going to eat this? I think it’s still a baby. Oh! Ow-ow-owww…” Darkness was up to her thighs in the water, and now she was up to her finger in lobster claw. The weird note of happiness in her voice was totally typical, though.
“That is not a baby lobster. We are not in the big, wide sea here but in a shallow river, so they won’t get any bigger than that. Oops, you’re not getting away! That makes four!” Megumin had flipped over a rock and grabbed what she found there.
Yep:
“Hey, Kazuma. There’s something I’d like to say…”
“Well, don’t. Those are lobsters they’re catching. Just the kind of expensive feast fit for a princess. Okay?”
We were busy catching crawfish.
I should have been suspicious the moment Megumin said she wanted to make food from Crimson Magic Village. She’d lived her entire life in poverty. What would she know about fancy food?
“Perhaps it’s the lack of human travel that has allowed these fish to grow so big! This will make for a fabulous dinner!”
“Gosh, I’ve never gathered my own ingredients before! Who knew cooking could be so much fun?!”
“M-Megumin, grab this thing for me! It’s got a hold on my toe…!”
Our two sheltered girls really seemed to be enjoying themselves. Maybe they didn’t get to play in the water very much.
Me, I simply watched the peaceful scene. “The royal attendants went to so much trouble to stock up our refrigerator. I’m gonna make sure their efforts don’t go to waste.”
“Oh, no, you’re not getting away. One less person means the rest of us each have to eat more food.”
Finally, the sun went down, and we started to settle in for the night.
“Very well, Iris, are you ready? Now you shall see how I prepare a meal!”
“Of course! I can’t wait!”
Megumin, standing in front of a pile of crawfish, was almost vibrating with excitement. She was even more eager to cook than usual, desperate to show Iris what she could do. “Normally one would soak them in water all night to expunge the mud, but the river in which we caught these crawfish was exceedingly clean, and there was no mud. We can get started immediately.”
“This is very educational!”
And so Megumin went about teaching the young princess how to cook crawfish. I would have to have a word with Iris later so she didn’t go blabbing to anyone at the capital that this was the sort of thing she had learned on her trip.
“Now, first we must remove the smell from the craw—er, lobsters. You simply need to submerge them in alcohol, such as… Ah yes, this will do.” Megumin pulled a bottle of wine out of the fridge and emptied it into a bowl—expensive wine that someone had been looking forward to drinking, but I pretended I hadn’t seen it. “Now we leave them for a few minutes until the stink is replaced by a fragrant aroma. We can do some other preparations while we wait…”
Megumin directed things with all the grace you would expect of someone who had cared for her own little sister. Iris looked at her with genuine respect.
“Whoops, I seem to have done it all myself. Well, this should be enough preparation. Next…”
Megumin had been enjoying Iris’s admiring look so much that she had accidentally done everything herself. She quickly snapped back to taking cooking seriously. She started with crawfish soup, then grilled a few more of them, and then made a spicy sauce to go over the rest.
When she was finished with this surprising display of domestic capability, Megumin exhaled in satisfaction. “Kazuma has been doing all the cooking lately. I wish you would all have some of my food from time to time. Here, Iris, at least help set the table.”
“Oh, of course! I’m sorry—I just couldn’t take my eyes off you…”
“Ah, well, I suppose I can forgive you for a fixation on your leader! Okay, I’ll set the table, too—you go wash your hands.”
I had never seen this side of Megumin before.
“Hey, what’s this ‘leader’ stuff?” I demanded.
“…Nothing.”
“This is fantastic. The richness of freshly caught lobster just fills the soup, making it savory and complex. And the slight touch of earthiness left in the meat perfectly complements the grilling; nothing to object to there. This is true mastery…!”
Darkness was savoring her food, acting like the narrator on some cooking show. She was trying to sound like a gourmand, but I wanted to point out to her that she wasn’t eating lobster but the common crawfish.
Iris, still on a high from the unfamiliar experience of catching her own ingredients, looked thrilled, too.
Megumin, claiming that she had actually made too much, had gone to share some of the food with the Lizard Runners.
…In other words, if I wanted to do something about this, now was my chance.
“Say, Kazuma, for some reason I feel like having frogs today. I’m going to go cook up those frogs they left in the refrigerator, so here—you can have my crawfish.”
“My dear departed grandpa died when he went out to check the fields one day and was attacked by a gang of crawfish. I haven’t been able to eat shellfish since. So please, Aqua, have my share.”
…………
“Do you think you can deceive the eyes of a goddess? I know your grandpa came rushing to the hospital when you almost got run over by that tractor! And anyway, you sure like our speckled crabs well enough!”
“And what about you? So you just feel like having frogs, huh? That’s rich, coming from someone who almost got eaten by one!”
We were right in the middle of our attempts to shove food onto each other’s plates when we felt a presence behind us.
It was Megumin, back from feeding the lizards.
“Hey now, if you have a complaint about my family’s treasured secret recipe, I shall hear it.”
“Aw, it was just a joke. We’re happy to eat your food.”
“Yeah, we were just horsing around. This shrimp looks great; maybe I’ll try some of this.”
Aqua and I steeled ourselves to have some food. Why not? This wasn’t crawfish; it was lobster. And anyway, I’d been eating frogs since I got to this world. Why worry about some crawfish now? Plus, crawfish had originally been imported as food…
“Whoa, these aren’t half-bad. Kazuma, give me yours. I brought some expensive wine to keep me company on this trip. I need something to eat with it, so leave me your crawfish.”
……
As I watched Aqua head happily off to the kitchen to get her wine out of the refrigerator, I promptly popped a crawfish into my mouth.
“…Huh, that’s pretty good. The shell is crisped exactly right. And it’s melted into the soup perfectly. No wonder your family values this recipe so highly. I’m sorry I made fun of your craw—I mean, lobsters.”
“Oh, I just wanted to try calling something a treasured family recipe for once in my life. If you’re enjoying it, that’s what counts.”
…I immediately regretted my attempt to be nice by praising Megumin’s cooking.
From the kitchen, I could hear Aqua sobbing.
7
That night.
Having to use an unfamiliar pillow always made it hard for me to sleep. The constant stress of our high-speed, lizard-based travel wore on my nerves enough that I was able to fall asleep pretty easily each night, but by the third day, it seemed I had gotten used to it.
I got out of bed and went to the kitchen in search of water.
“ Freeze .”
Thanks to my ability to see in the dark, I didn’t even need to turn on the kitchen lights as I went to the faucet and got a drink. I slugged it down and let out a breath…and that was when I felt something behind me.
There was only one person I could think of who could see in the dark like I could: the one who had been reduced to tears by having her special wine used up…
“Is that you, Elder Brother?”
But I was wrong.
In the darkness, illuminated only by the wisps of starlight that came in through the window, there was Iris standing in the kitchen doorway.
“Yeah, it’s me; it’s your elder brother. I wanted some water. I just can’t seem to get to sleep.”
Iris let out a relieved breath when she heard my voice. “Um, I came to powder my nose, but it’s dark… Could you walk me back to my room?”
She kept her eyes fixed on what she could see of my face, reaching out hesitantly to take my hand. I mean, sure, she could’ve simply turned on a light, but this was the girl who had spent her entire young life suppressing anything resembling a selfish urge. She was probably afraid to turn on a light lest she wake anyone up.
“Sure, I’m on it. Elder Brother can take you to your room. If you’re feeling scared of the dark, I can even hop in bed with you.”
“I’ll be fine, thanks.”
………
I took Iris’s small, slender hand and walked out into the dark corridor. Iris was walking as quietly as she could, maybe so she wouldn’t wake anyone up. Creeping through the dark while everyone else slept, trying to make ourselves as inconspicuous as possible, it almost felt like we were doing something wrong.
Suddenly, Iris squeezed my hand. I looked over at her. She seemed to feel the same way I did, like we had stumbled into a little prank while sneaking out for a midnight snack. “This reminds me of that time I came to your room one night so you could tell me stories about your past, Elder Brother.”
“Oh, you mean when you showed up without getting Claire’s permission? She almost had my head the next day. She acted like I’d kidnapped you or something.”
During my time in the capital, Iris had occasionally given Claire the slip and come to see me. It caused an uproar in the castle each time. Maybe that was the real number one reason I’d been barred from the city?
Iris, smiling, interrupted my thoughts. “But you never acted like it was any trouble when I showed up. You just talked to me… I still remember, you know. Your story about the time you fought with the cross-bearing demon—I mean Santa Claus, the one you say shows up in your country and leaves despair in the stockings of all the single people.”
Ahhh, my little sister was so smart. She remembered even the things I’d said half as a joke.
“I haven’t forgotten. And I remember how you told me about the time in your life you spent battling day and night, until people dubbed you the MMO Monster.”
Ahhh, my little sister was so naive. She bought my NEET stories hook, line, and sinker and still looked at me with utmost respect.
…Actually, I was feeling pretty awful about that.
My silence seemed to send the wrong message to Iris, who said anxiously, “I’m sorry. Did I make you homesick, talking about all that?”
No, not at all. You just made me take a long, hard look at myself.
But I couldn’t say that, so I simply smiled instead. “Nah, I was just feeling kind of sentimental. I really enjoyed those days.”
I knew she couldn’t see my expression in the dark, but she could still tell I was smiling. She seemed relieved.
“That’s good to hear. Um…”
Before I knew it, we found ourselves standing at the door to her room. She let go of my hand and opened the door, then glanced my way for only a second.
“Please, Elder Brother, I hope you’ll stay in my country forever. I’ll work hard to make our nation somewhere you’ll always want to be.”
It was like she just knew somehow that something was going to take me far away. She smiled, but it seemed awfully sad.
8
Next morning.
Aqua was almost beside herself knowing we would get to Elroad today. I was weirdly bothered by what Iris had said the night before, though, so when I climbed up on the driver’s bench beside Darkness, I asked her about it.
“Hey, Darkness, this trip is about seeing this little punk Iris is supposed to marry, right? We just say hi, and then we can go home, right?”
Darkness looked at me in annoyance, then glanced surreptitiously at Iris, who was playing with Aqua and Megumin. “You really think this is just a meet and greet? If that was true, why on earth would we do it so secretly, and right when the Demon King’s attacks are ramping up? I’ll tell you why we’re going there: to beg Elroad for help.”
Beg for help.
“Like, we want them to send us big, bad adventurers or knights or something?”
“No, every country around has already done that for us. We’re the only country that shares a border with the Demon King’s army, see? If we fall, the whole defensive line collapses, and the Demon King marches right into the soft underbelly of our neighboring nations. So they send us their best troops whenever they can.”
Huh.
“But this country we’re going to, Elroad—the knights there are pushovers the way only knights from a country built on gambling could be. Elroad provides us financial support instead of military support. They help substantially with defraying the costs of defense.”
“Huh, okay. But what does that have to do with this trip?”
“Remember when I said the Demon King’s attacks are getting worse? There’s a reason for that. Kazuma…I believe we’ve defeated too many of his generals.”
…
“What? He wants revenge for his minions?”
“It’s not that. The Demon King’s army is starting to panic. Their generals were all but invincible until recently, and now they’re dropping like flies. So we’ve decided not only to firm up our defenses but also to try to make a positive attack. But believe it or not, Elroad is claiming a cash crunch and saying that not only can’t they afford to support an offensive but they even want to stop paying for our defense. His Majesty and the first prince are away doing battle, so Lady Iris is going there to negotiate.”
“…Wow, okay.” I finally started to understand Iris’s comment from the previous night. She was afraid that if the military situation got worse, I might flee somewhere safer.
So she was going to be married off to Elroad in exchange for monetary support. Considering that my little sister was the cutest thing in the whole wide world, at least she wouldn’t have any trouble convincing them to take her.
“Our country has a long-standing friendship with Elroad. We complement each other perfectly: Belzerg is militarily strong but doesn’t do much trade, while Elroad is vulnerable to attack but knows how to make a buck. I don’t care how cash-strapped they are. The fate of our nation and our world is riding on this visit. So please don’t cause any trouble.” Darkness stared me straight in the eyes.
“…All right. For the sake of this world and all humankind. I’m an adventurer; I’ve fought the Demon King’s forces. Even I know better than to put myself ahead of beating him. I know sometimes things can’t change, no matter how much you beg and plead. So don’t worry so much.” I smiled as reassuringly as I could.
Darkness didn’t look like she quite believed me.
“Hey, what’s with that face? You don’t think I mean it?”
“I’m just trying to believe I’m even hearing talk from you about helping the world and humankind… Well, whatever. When we get to Elroad’s castle town, we can start by taking a little break. We can’t show up at the castle the minute we get there anyway. We’ll rest up and then get down to business.”
Then she tried to smile comfortingly at me…
……Ahhh, I get it.
I remembered the conversation she’d had with Lain before we left, the one about drugging me so I would spend the whole time asleep.
There was a commotion behind us.
“Oh! Kazuma, Kazuma, look! There’s Elroad—you can see it!”
“Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Finally! Elroad, the land of my dreams, the country of casinos!”
Up in the front seat, Darkness and I traded highly questionable smiles with each other.
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