Childhood Friends No More
Part 2 of 2
Mizuto Irido
One night had passed since we successfully tricked Kawanami and Minami-san. Now, we were at our hotel’s breakfast buffet, which sported lighter food selections such as bread, fruits, ham, and sausage. I tried to hold back a yawn as I placed a croissant on my tray. Kogure Kawanami stood next to me, loading up on sausage, when suddenly, he froze. I followed his gaze to see Yume with a certain girl in tow—Akatsuki Minami.
As soon as she laid eyes on Kawanami, she froze in place. But their reactions to each other only lasted a brief moment before they turned and tried going their separate ways.
“Where do you think...” I started.
“...You’re going?” Yume finished.
Yume and I promptly stopped Minami-san and Kawanami by grabbing their respective shoulders. Kawanami shot me a pleading look, but that wasn’t enough to get me to let go. We dragged them to our table, where Higashira was already sitting. I moved Kawanami one seat away from her and sat in between them, while Yume sat across from Higashira after seating Minami-san in front of Kawanami.
“Have fun, you two,” Yume teased with a satisfied smile.
“Yes, enjoy yourselves,” Higashira parroted while stuffing her face with sausage.
I began tearing off pieces of my croissant and tossing them into my mouth, glancing out of the corner of my eye at the two childhood friends who were actively avoiding any and all interaction with each other. They were doing their best to stay dead-focused on eating as they scarfed down their plates at incredible speeds. They wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible, but I wasn’t about to let them off that easily.
“Don’t you two know how to even say ‘hello’ anymore?”
They trembled a little before glancing at each other.
“Morning.”
“Mornin’.”
“And who are you saying that to?” Yume asked, a wide smile spreading across her face.
A very sour and disgusted look spread across both their faces, but after a few seconds, they forcibly smiled at each other and tried again in very cheerful voices.
“Morning, A-chan!”
“Mornin’, Ko-kun!”
“Pfft.” Higashira almost did a spit take and keeled over, shaking from laughter.
Yume had to cover her mouth with both her hands, but was successful in holding back her laughter at the exchange between the two childhood friends who were currently trying their best to maintain their smiles at one another. But then Minami-san’s face twitched, and she slammed her head against the table.
“Give me a break! Seriously!!! What is this, revenge?! Is this for all the unfiltered things I’ve said?!”
At this point, Yume and Higashira were both cackling, their whole bodies shaking with laughter. The purpose of this exercise was not revenge, but something much purer. This was one hundred percent out of the goodwill of our hearts. Some people might not have seen it that way, but that didn’t change the truth about our intentions.
It had all started at the beginning of summer vacation, when lo and behold, Yume came to me for advice for one of the first times in her life.
“What do you think about Kawanami-kun and Akatsuki-san?”
“What?” I responded, furrowing my brow.
It was the middle of the afternoon, and we were both sitting in the living room. This question had come out of absolutely nowhere. I didn’t have much of an answer for her, besides that those two had more than a few screws loose, but I highly doubted that was the answer she was looking for. So instead, I took a little bit of time to think before responding.
“Those two have more than a few screws loose.”
“I don’t want your impressions of them as people! Also, how are they crazy?!”
Don’t blame me. No matter how hard I rack my brain, that’s the only thing I can come up with. How did she want me to respond?
“Look, the two of them are childhood friends, right?” she pressed.
“Apparently.”
“On the outside, they don’t get along, but that probably means they’re actually really close... So, I’m wondering...you know...what their relationship is really like?”
“So you wanna know if they get along in a ‘boy and girl’ way.”
“Yeah! Exactly!”
She was probably better off not knowing, but it’s not like I knew the full story either. I figured they most likely had the same circumstances as we did. If she knew that, I doubt she’d innocently ask if there were any kind of romantic feelings between them. But then again, there was only one person who knew the entire situation but was pushy about our relationship.
“I never thought you’d wanna gossip about romance with me. Don’t you have friends?”
“You’re the last person who should ask that! Plus, it’s not like that. Akatsuki-san is lonelier than she looks. I was just thinking it’d be nice if she was on good terms with her childhood friend again at least...”
She claimed that Minami-san was lonely, but from my point of view, it wasn’t something as cute and simple as that. The problem between the two of them should stay between them. We had no right to stick our noses in their business...or at least from an objective, moralistic standpoint, that’d be true.
However, perhaps this was a good opportunity. The self-proclaimed ROM expert, Kogure Kawanami, had done and said a lot about my situation with Yume. He played with us as if we were characters in a game, so maybe it was finally time for him to get a taste of his own medicine.
As a ROM expert, he enjoyed being an observer, but maybe it was time for him to be in the shit and be the “observee.” Nietzsche once said, “If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” Kawanami was overdue for his just deserts.
Before taking any action, I needed to do some research. So I made up an excuse to go over to Kawanami’s place and had him recount a memory of Minami-san. What I got was a chilling account of her breaking various laws, but ultimately, it told me what I needed to know—they were close, without a doubt. In fact, they were almost like siblings.
After confirming that, I knew my objective was to have them reminisce about their old relationship together. It was great, because I could also have them relive all the painful memories of the past while doing so—two birds, one stone.
The only problem was the “how” of the entire situation. How was I supposed to have them remember their old relationship? When stuck, it’s best to ask an expert.
“And that’s why I need your help, Higashira.”
“I don’t believe I am exactly an authority on childhood friends...” she said, flipping through pages of the book she was reading. She lay with her head on my lap as I sat cross-legged on my bed. “I also was not aware of the childhood friend relationship between Minami-san and that gaudy male.”
“Yeah, they ‘used to be’ childhood friends, but insist that they aren’t anymore.”
“Amazing. I thought childhood friends were fictional.”
“Any kind of relationship between people sounds fictitious to you.”
“I meant in the sense that I’ve only ever encountered these kinds of relationships through hearsay. They’re plenty fictitious to me.”
“So how would you classify a childhood friend?”
“Hm... You phrased the question as if I am identifying an animal’s genus. However, this is real life, so if I had to say... They are childhood friends if they promised to marry each other.”
“They usually do that when they’re kids. I doubt most of them even remember it.”
“Don’t crush my dreams!” Higashira protested, thrashing her legs and lightly hitting my face in a fit. “I suppose the only other thing would be...perhaps a sobriquet?”
“Nicknames?”
“They call each other by their last names, do they not? Don’t you find that strange? They’re practically family. Wouldn’t it get confusing when they’re addressing each other’s parents?”
Higashira had a point. Even Yume and I referred to each other by our first names at home.
“Furthermore, if they have been companions since childhood, then they are sure to have called each other by some manner of adorable epithet. Perhaps similar to the protagonist and heroine in this very light novel I’m reading.”
“I see... So the question is, how do we get them to use those names again?”
Truth be told, I thought coming to Higashira might’ve been a dead end, but she had better insight than I’d expected. I could probably do something with pet names.
“Thanks, Higashira. I might need your help later.”
“No problem. If we are successful in reuniting that gaudy male and Minami-san, that will leave you completely free for me!”
“I’m not free. I come with a pretty high tax.”
“I must pay tax?!”
That’s how I came up with the idea for a penalty game in which the losers would have to call each other by pet names. I had Higashira talk about the arcade in front of Kawanami in order to lure him into the trap, and right before we did anything, I secretly met with Yume to go over the details.
“But then, we have to ensure that both Akatsuki-san and Kawanami-kun lose. How are we supposed to do that?” Yume had said, expressing her concern.
“I have an idea. I got this.”
“Okay...”
And the rest is history. Everything went according to my plan. Now, Kogure Kawanami and Akatsuki Minami had to return to being childhood friends for the duration of this study camp.
“That went even better than I expected,” Yume said through a soft snicker.
There was a break between breakfast and the first lecture of the day, so I was currently with Yume in a corner of the hotel’s luxurious lobby, discussing our plan. After having more than their fill of being teased, Kawanami and Minami-san had run off, which was surprising considering how social they were. One would’ve thought that they could handle a little playfulness. The plan was working on them better than I’d expected if they had to resort to physical methods of escape.
“But still, what was that?” Yume asked out of the blue.
“What was what?”
“Well...” Yume gently grasped her own shoulder.
Seeing her do that instantly made me realize she was talking about me grabbing her shoulder in order to trip the two of them up.
“The ends justify the means,” I explained indifferently. “I ran through all the possibilities and concluded that was the most effective and logical solution in order to get the desired result. That’s it.”
“I really wish you wouldn’t grab my shoulder just because of your calculations.”
“My bad.”
Yume shifted her eyes away, looking unsatisfied with my sincere apology. Did you not want me to apologize for that?! What do you want from me?
“Either way, you got what you wanted. You done now?” I asked.
I had the slightest feeling that there was more to this, so I tried pressing her for more information about the topic at hand, but she once again shot me an unsatisfied look.
“I think we should watch over them a little more. I’ve never seen Akatsuki-san like that,” she said, trying to stifle another laugh.
I was seriously surprised by how suddenly both Yume and Higashira had turned into Kawanami.
“I wonder if there’ll be any opportunity to get them alone somewhere. The real problem is getting them to talk to each other, though...” Yume continued, putting her fist to her chin in contemplation.
As much as I wanted nothing more to do with this, Yume didn’t know how dangerous Minami-san was, so I couldn’t exactly leave her unattended. Maybe being a ROM expert was harder than it looked. What’s so fun about breaking your back to get us together, Kawanami?
Akatsuki Minami
This has gotta be karma for trying to marry Irido-kun and trying to manipulate Higashira-san. I had no right to treat others like they were pawns by preying on their romantic feelings.
“K-Ko-kun, what’s the next class?”
“It’s world history...A-A-chan...”
This shouldn’t have been so hard for me. These were just our childhood nicknames, so it shouldn’t have made me so nervous. There was absolutely nothing embarrassing about this, and yet...
“Minami-chan, didya call Kawanami, ‘Ko-kun?’” Nasuka-chan asked me after class ended.
“Gah!” I let out a sound as if someone had stepped on my stomach.
“She did! I heard her! So, what’s the scoop? Are you two dating?” Maki-chan’s eyes sparkled as she closed in on me.
“We’re not! This is just...a penalty game.”
“Penalty game? Of the group date variety, mayhap?” Nasuka-chan asked, tilting her head in confusion.
“Oh right, you went out somewhere last night. So that’s where you—”
“No! Who in their right mind would go on a group date during study camp?!”
Maki-chan snickered at my exclamation.
“Well, ya said somethin’ ’bout a penalty game, but you two look pretty natural callin’ each other that,” Nasuka-chan said. “Y’all actin’ thicker than thieves.”
“Totally! Nickname aside, it’s like you’re gentler around him.”
“God! I tried being as quiet as possible so I wouldn’t have to go through this! Screw your good hearing!”
“I think ya two suit each other. Peas in a pod.”
“Same! Kawanami looks like he screws around, but I bet you could keep him on a tight leash, Akki!”
“But I bet she’ll be all sortsa nice to ’im when they’re alone.”
“Doting on him? Totes! Oh, that’s so cute!”
I covered my ears to shut out their fantasies. I’m “gentle” with him? I’d “dote” on him? There was no way I’d do any of that...not anymore. The girl who’d do that was supposed to have died already. Just reverting to the old name I used to call him wasn’t enough to revive her...and I’d be damned if I let her come back.
Kogure Kawanami
“I’m beat...” I had absolutely zero energy after morning classes.
How did everyone have such good ears?! I’d tried to be as quiet as possible so nobody would hear me, but that didn’t seem to matter. Is hearing people call each other pet names really that much fun?!
I vowed to eat lunch by myself. Not being able to observe the Irido siblings would suck, but I had no intention of being forced to sit with her. I shuddered to think of anyone seeing us chummily eating lunch together.
Unlike at breakfast, our seats were assigned based on our last names. Since my last name started with K and hers with M, we shouldn’t have been sitting right next to each other, and yet...
“Why are you here?”
“...”
Sitting right across from me was a shrimpy girl. She immediately turned her head away in annoyance without saying a word. At the very least, I could tell that this arrangement wasn’t by her design. I glanced over at the seat she should’ve been sitting in and grinning back at me was some random girl. This has gotten a lot bigger than I expected. I lightly knocked on the table to draw Akatsuki’s attention.
“This isn’t looking good. If we’re not careful, this could go on even after study camp ends.”
“We’re usually on the teasing side. This is our punishment...”
“How likely is it that people’ll forget about this over summer break?”
“I’m sure the guys’ll forget, but the girls definitely won’t.”
“So we have no choice but to wear them out by playing this to its fullest.”
“God, this seriously sucks!” Akatsuki let out a deep sigh, but her eyes were filled with determination.
I did the same and willed my body to suck it up. What’s about to happen right now is just an act. Don’t get the wrong idea. Then, just as lunch we were about to eat, something completely unexpected happened.
“Hm? Minami-san, aren’tcha gonna feed Ko-kun?” a random girl asked jokingly.
I knew she had no malicious intent and was just joining in on the fun. If she could embarrass Akatsuki, it’d be fun for everyone, and then people would build off of that and poke fun at us even more.
Alternatively, maybe she thought it was a sure-fire joke with potential to become an inside joke that we could all laugh about in the second semester.
But it didn’t matter, because I wasn’t going to allow it. I wanted this to all end here. What happens at study camp, stays at study camp. To ensure that, I was willing to sacrifice myself a little.
“Okay, Ko-kun, say ‘ah.’”
“Ahhh.”
Akatsuki hesitantly stuck out her spoon towards my mouth and I bit down without a second thought. Trying to reenact our time from when we’d dated, both of us were all smiles and speaking in sickeningly sweet tones. The crowd around us reacted with cheers and wolf whistles. Good. Just as planned.
“How is it, Ko-kun? Tasty?”
“Your cooking tastes better!”
“Oh, you! You’ve never eaten my cooking before!!!”
“Hngh?!” I felt someone stomp on my foot as the people around us laughed.
She’s not holding back at all! This bitch is seriously tryna crush my foot! Doesn’t she know that acting all embarrassed and not hiding her hatred has the opposite effect?! But at any rate, if that was how she was going to play it, then I had an idea too.
I did my best not to let any of my real emotions show and instead tried to end this farce. I’m gonna do something that plays right into this situation!
“Okay, A-chan, open wide!”
“Aw, no thanks. I’ll pass!”
“Why?!”
“You kinda smell...y’know?”
“Stop taking advantage of the situation to diss me!!!”
We acted the hell out of our stupid couple performance to the audience, and perhaps it was thanks to that that nobody noticed we finished our meals using the same spoon that’d touched both our mouths without a word of complaint.
“I’ve got to hand it to you,” Irido said expressionlessly after lunch as I was heading to the bathroom. “I never thought you’d get outta this like that. This is the first time I’ve ever thought you’re amazing.”
“Heh. Didn’t I tell you? The two of us are master extroverts.”
“Right. You said it back then: ‘That’s just ’cuz the two of us have high social skills—y‘know, that thing where someone can get along with someone even if they don’t really like them.’”
I couldn’t believe he remembered all of that. I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what I said back when he stayed the night at my place.
“I have to say,” he continued, “I’m surprised this has spread so much. I was a little worried, but it looks like I didn’t need to be.”
“Yeah, we’re not like a certain pair who’d clam up and fidget in place all innocently. Sorry to burst your bubble.”
Irido smirked and nodded. “True. I don’t think there’s anyone who could keep their cool like you did while publicly flirting like that.”
“You got that right,” I said, smoothly moving my arms behind my back. “Anyway, you done? I’m about to wet myself.”
“Oh, yeah, sorry...for a lot of things.”
I left Irido and ran off to the bathroom, where I made sure nobody else was around. Instead of going to the urinal, I went to the sink, turned on the faucet, cupped my hands to catch the water, and then splashed it on my face.
“Dammit. It’s just a gag. It’s not real.”
It’s a joke. Fiction. Total lie. There are absolutely no emotions involved. And yet...why were my arms covered in hives? Why are humans so inflexible? I knew the answer, but no matter how many times I told myself, my body reacted to the situation as if I was right back in the past.
All that should’ve been far behind me. I had no use for any of those memories anymore...or so I thought. The memories hadn’t disappeared and seeing her face like that, as if she wasn’t bothered at all...how do I put it. Guys “save as,” while girls overwrite files. I’d simply saved our memories under a different name while she overwrote them completely. Heh. I’m so jealous.
Akatsuki Minami
“AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”
That was so, sooo, sooooo, sooooooo, sooooooooo embarrassing! Utterly humiliating!!!
I’d run back to my empty room and rolled around on the bed in anguish. I couldn’t believe I’d acted like that—that I’d spoken to him like that—right in front of everyone! Aaaagh! Stop! Get out of my head! I’ve grown out of that! I don’t want to remember!!! Kill me now! Also, please make it so that none of that happened!
I wanted to scream. I’d been doing so well in high school up until now. But also, why the hell did he look so unfazed when I was in complete agony?! How’s that fair?! I didn’t even see any hives on him!
Did that mean that no matter how much I flirted with him, he didn’t feel anything anymore?! How’s that fair when he used to get red at even the slightest thing?! I gnawed my pillow out of frustration when suddenly, I heard the click of the door opening.
“Oh, Akatsuki-san. There you are.”
“Ah... Y-Yume-chan?”
As soon as I saw her long black hair, I quickly hid the pillow I’d been biting behind me. She approached me with an apologetic face.
“I’m sorry... I didn’t think this’d become such a big thing.”
“Huh? O-Oh! It’s okay! This is nothing!”
“Are you sure?”
She could’ve kept laughing like she did this morning, but Yume-chan was just too nice of a girl. God, I love her. I wanna be with her forever. Her being here cleansed me of all the frustration I felt towards Ko-kun.
“Yep! It’d be weirder if we stopped at this point, so we’ll keep this up until study camp’s over. I’m used to acting, anyway...but Ko-kun might be better than I am in that regard! Ha ha ha!”
“‘Ko-kun’?”
“Hm? What?”
“No, it’s just that...you don’t have to call him that if he’s not around.”
“Ah...” I goofed.
“...”
“Q-Quit grinning, Yume-chan! That was just a slip of the tongue!”
“Yeah, sure it was. A total slip of the tongue. Heh heh heh. You really did call him that when you were kids, didn’t you? Pfft. Ha ha ha!”
“Huh?!”
How’d she know I used to call him that? But before I could even ask her, Yume-chan laughed even harder.
“It all makes sense!” she exclaimed. “How else would you two come up with pet names for each other so fast? Not to mention how naturally you used them! Aha ha ha!”
I’d made the mistake of a lifetime. I buried my face into the pillow, and as I did, I felt Yume-chan approach me on the bed.
“What’s wrong with that? You can call each other like you used to when you were kids. It’s very fitting for childhood friends.”
“We’re not childhood friends!”
“Why do you have to insist on that?”
“Yume-chan...” I continued, lowering my voice. “Even if we were close when we were little, it’s not guaranteed that we’ll be close forever. Things go to crap more often than not. It’s totally possible to lose an entire relationship.”
“But you two still talk to each other. You still have a relationship.”
“Yeah, but...”
“Well, I just think it’s a waste for you two to stubbornly reject each other.”
It would’ve made sense if we’d completely stopped interacting with each other long ago. But we were neighbors, and it wasn’t like either of us had the power to simply move away. Because we didn’t change what school we were going to, because we used to be childhood friends, and because we still saw each other now and then, maybe... Maybe it wasn’t too late.
If we could stay like childhood friends...like a couple...could there still be a chance for us?
Yume Irido
“Yume-san, listen to this!” Higashira-san enthusiastically approached me during study hall.
However, unlike regular study hall, this was more of a period of time set aside so that students could ask teachers questions. Right now, the teacher was busy talking with another student, so Higashira-san had used this opening to ask me a question of her own.
“What is it, Higashira-san? You seem happy.”
“Ehe heh heh. No, not at all. Ehe heh heh!” She looked positively giddy, like she’d passed a test to get into her dream school or successfully confessed to someone.
I had my doubts as to why her face was so rife with ecstasy, but I let her continue talking.
“One of our classmates talked to me. Me!”
“Huh? About what?”
“They asked me, ‘Are you going out with Irido-kun from class seven?’ Me!”
My heart stopped while Higashira-san abashedly rubbed her cheeks like a lovestruck schoolgirl.
“Ehe heh heh. Do we really come across as a couple that much? How troublesome! Ehe heh heh! We are in fact not a couple whatsoever. Ehe heh heh!”
This was a very “special” way for someone to get elated. She looked so happy that it made me feel happy too, even though internally, I felt as scrambled and complicated as a marble pattern.
“Well, I suppose if you spend the majority of your time with someone, those kinds of rumors do get started...” I said. “Yes. It is a little surprising that the two of you have become subject to such rumors despite not exactly standing out, though...”
“Well, Yume-san, were you aware that Mizuto-kun is actually quite popular?”
“Huh?” Come again?
“In all likelihood, it stems from the fact that he placed first during midterms. I’ve heard people say things such as, ‘Not only is he smart, but he’s actually kinda cute if you take a good look at him.’ That was a comment from the people who inquired whether or not we were dating. Then they said, ‘I’m so jealous of how close you are with Irido-kun!’ Ehe heh heh!”
Her laughter was rife with superiority. But this was...news to me. It made sense, though... I’d only achieved my current status due to achieving first place on the entrance exam, so it was only natural that he’d gain popularity with the girls for getting first on the midterms. But...him? Popular?
I had particular trouble with that. It didn’t seem real. Were there really a lot of girls with their eyes on him? They had no chance though. He was certain to turn him down. But then again, would they even confess if they thought that Higashira-san was his girlfriend?
“S-So... Ahem. How did you...respond, Higashira-san?” I asked with a sense of urgency, the origins of which I was unaware of.
“Well, of course, I...” Higashira-san smiled proudly. “I properly said, ‘No, we’re not dating.’”
“O-Oh, I see.”
“More accurately, I said, ‘No, we’re not dating. We’re just very good friends.’”
“You sound like a celebrity trying to hide their relationship!”
People would definitely read into that! There was absolutely no way anyone would take that at face value.
“Well... You know... It just felt kind of good to be in that position.”
“You’ve really let this get to your head! You shouldn’t be misleading people!”
“When have I misled anyone? I merely stated something in a way that some may construe as us getting married in the future. I do not see a problem.”
“I guess...not.”
If everyone had the wrong assumption about their relationship, that’d serve as a way to ward off girls from approaching him. He’d probably appreciate not having to be in such a bothersome position too. Maybe this was actually a good thing.
“It’s quite the powerful thing, isn’t it? Group mentality, that is.” Higashira-san said with a bright smile while doodling on the corner of her notebook. “Even if I didn’t have romantic feelings for Mizuto-kun, with the rumors that others spread, people may perceive me as his girlfriend regardless. I’m positive that those two have been raised in such an environment as well. It’s difficult for me to imagine what it’s like, though.”
“Wait, who? What two?”
“Minami-san and that gaudy male. They are childhood friends, are they not? I’ve no doubt that they’ve been teased about their relationship ever since they were children.”
“Right, exactly. It’s partially why I made this plan in the first place.”
“Those who do not possess a childhood friend will expect childhood friends to have a relationship with each other. Oh, it’s complete!” Higashira-san said, putting her pen down.
She’d drawn a boy and a girl happily chatting through the windows of their adjacent houses. Wow, she’s a great artist.
“It’s similar to how some people may idolize having a little sister despite not having one of their own. However, opposite sex childhood friends are much rarer of a breed than little sisters. Most people assume that they have some kind of romantic involvement. It’s wholly possible that in order to live up to the expectations of others, they felt as if they needed to begin that kind of relationship.”
“True... But would they really act like your average manga trope? They’re not fictional characters who follow a set plan. Even during lunch, that was all just an act that they put on...”
“If that’s the case, then wouldn’t having them call each other by pet names also be another act that we’re making them do?”
I fell silent. We were making them call each other by pet names because we were expecting them to grow more aware of each other. It was almost as if we were unconsciously ordering them to do that. Maybe we hadn’t really taken their feelings into consideration.
“Well, if I could add one more thing,” Higashira-san said as she tapped her art. “Real life childhood friends are different from fictional ones. How utterly dream crushing.”
Akatsuki Minami
I’d be lying if I said I never idolized the idea of childhood friends. I’d constantly seen them in manga and anime. There was someone who lived next to me, who’d been raised with me almost like a sibling, and whom I’d made a ton of memories with when we were little. As we grew older, I became more drawn to the ideal, desirable, and beautiful dream of being childhood friends.
A lot of people have fantasized about having that kind of special existence in their life. I highly doubted there was anyone who didn’t ever think that it’d be nice if they had a childhood friend of the opposite gender. If anyone claimed that they didn’t, I’d totally expose them.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, is looking for their role. Some are leaders, some are gloomy kids, some are class representatives, and some are brats—everyone has a role that they play. Then we, myself included, perceive that person as the role that they’re playing, and then we have fun rehashing the same things over and over again, just like celebrities on TV or content creators.
That’s probably why I perceived Ko-kun as someone in the childhood friend role. I wasn’t able to draw a line between fantasy and reality. I’d believed from the bottom of my heart that we were in some kind of romantic relationship like it was straight out of an anime or manga. That’s why all that happened.
Because I believed he was my childhood friend, I thought destiny had brought us together. That meant that no matter what I did, Ko-kun would accept me... He’d understand me. I had it all wrong. I knew—I was fully aware of how stupid I was, but still...even still... I had every desire to make Ko-kun happy. That’s all I ever wanted to do.
“So please...believe me. Believe me...”
“Believe you?! Like hell I can believe you! Do you know what you’ve done to me?! How dare you spew that bullshit at me! You crazy? You have to be crazy! Otherwise, why the hell wouldn’t you give me my own chopsticks? Why wouldn’t you let me go to the convenience store by myself?! Why would you get mad at me when I was on day duty with another girl?! But sure, it’s all my fault, right?! It’s my fault for being friends with a psycho like you!!! What the hell are you crying for?! I’m the one who should be crying! Give it back! Give back the months you stole from me! Give back all the time you stole from me!”
Kogure Kawanami
I’d never had trouble making friends for as long as I could remember. It’d always been as easy as breathing to me. I didn’t know what it meant to be wary of strangers. I didn’t know what it meant to be shy. I could make friends with anyone, anywhere. As natural as breathing.
Maybe this was just a certain kind of survival strategy. I have a faint memory of when I was a baby. My mom was smiling at me, just before I fell asleep, and she let out a tired sigh. It’s very vague and fuzzy, so I thought it might be a dream, but still. It gave me purpose: I needed to be able to live on my own. I didn’t want to make even one person sigh over my existence.
This desire came too early in my life to be labeled as an obsession, but it was definitely something that was embedded deep inside me and helped shape who I am. Because I was like that, though, I was never lonely, no matter where I went. If anything, I was proud that I could go out by myself. Loneliness was never something I experienced.
Even so, I felt at ease when I was with A-chan, which may sound weird after I just spent a good bit of time talking about how I didn’t feel anxiety or anything. But being with her just felt right—like I was supposed to be there.
A-chan was there even if I wasn’t trying to be friendly. A-chan was there even if I was lazing around. A-chan understood me even if I didn’t say anything. It was the same kind of relief people felt when they reached a save point in a game. But that was just my arrogance.
“Oh.”
“Ah...”
I ran into Akatsuki on my way to the bathroom during our afternoon classes. I didn’t really know why, but I averted my gaze. Nobody else was around. We didn’t have to put on that stupid act right now. There was also no reason for me to call her by her old nickname, “A-chan.”
Then why did I feel so awkward? A chill ran up my neck, as if warning me to leave. I wanted nothing more than to run away, but I hesitated.
This was all their fault for making us call each other by our old nicknames. I’d finally gotten comfortable being apart from her, but now that feeling was broken.
We had a horrible breakup, and our nearly ten-year bond got completely messed up. But even so, I didn’t want anyone to worry about me, so I didn’t tell them about Akatsuki. Instead, I told them that I got an ulcer from the stress of studying for entrance exams.
Even though we should’ve had nothing to do with each other anymore, we acted like nothing had happened—and for better or worse, I had the ability to play along. This was due to the two of us having high social skills. We were able to get along with someone even if we didn’t really like them.
Since we were so good at it, we’d been able to keep up appearances until today. I never expected that everything I’d so carefully constructed would come crumbling down over something so simple as nicknames. I had no clue how to talk to her anymore.
Was I supposed to talk to her like I used to? No way. Was I supposed to talk to her like I did yesterday? Absolutely not. I wasn’t in the right role to succeed at talking to her. I couldn’t find the words to say. I scratched the back of my neck and looked around. Knowing I was acting like this pissed me off to no end.
“What’s with you?” her small, reserved voice came, snapping me out of my thoughts.
Her eyes were fierce, like she was picking a fight, but her voice was filled with doubt. She was trying to play the role that she’d developed—an anti-me role—but this was just a shadow of that. She was falling apart at the seams. It was really a sad sight. Even so, Akatsuki didn’t back down.
“That was just a joke. If you get embarrassed, it’s kinda...”
“E-Embarrassed? No, I was just thinking that even without anyone around, you’re acting like this, A-chan—”
“‘A-chan’?”
“Wait, no! I just haven’t switched back yet!”
“It’s whatever. This is a penalty game after all. Yeah...”
Her words lacked certainty and were riddled with doubt and hesitation. She was lost, just like I, and still trying to figure out how to talk to me. The mask she’d worked so hard to create was coming undone, and I was starting to see her true thoughts underneath it. It was becoming harder for her to play it off. It was as if we understood each other...just like back then, before we dated. But why...?
“Well y’know, it’s like, if you get too used to calling me that, other girls are gonna hear, and...I don’t think it’d be great if this nickname spreads any further.”
You’re bothered by it too, aren’t you? It makes you uncomfortable. That’s why you look like that, right? Then...why wasn’t my body reacting? I didn’t feel sick, nor did I sense any hives coming on. Why wasn’t my overactive self-consciousness doing anything? Why did her words sound so hollow?
“It’d suck for you too, right? It’d be bad for Yume-chan too if this gets outta control,” she continued.
God... What a stupid reason.
“Good point. It’d be annoying if this got any bigger. I’ll be careful.”
“Huh?”
“It’d suck if we made Irido-san feel guilty. You should be careful too.”
So stupid. What the hell? Why did I play along? Maybe I thought we could be like the Irido siblings. Of course we couldn’t. Our relationship wasn’t bittersweet like theirs. It wasn’t as precious as theirs. We were much more stupid, idiotic, and dim-witted. We were broken.
Stop dreaming. There’s no chance for us to reconcile. Not anymore.
“Later. I’m goin’ to the bathroom.” I waved my hand and passed her.
So simple and so devoid of any hesitation. No irritation or commotion. It was really easy and really simple.
“W-Wait!”
“What?”
I turned around. After all, isn’t that normal when someone calls your name? I wasn’t trying to pick a fight or anything. Akatsuki opened her mouth as if she was about to say something, but then she exhaled as if she’d decided not to. A smile spread across her face.
“Nothing! Just wanted to try calling out to you.”
“Ew.”
“Huh?!”
I let out a laugh and turned around.
There was the sound of a sigh, but whose was it? Seriously...so stupid.
Akatsuki Minami
“Believe me.” I had no right to say those words. Why did I ever think about whether or not it was too late? How naive was I? We were just pretending to have returned to how we were back then. There was no trace of my old self in who I was now. We were completely different people.
I let out a sigh. It was fun, though, back then. It was fun back in elementary school when I hadn’t even thought about being his girlfriend. It was really fun back then...
Kogure Kawanami
And so, here we were on the final night of our three-day, two-night study camp. Surprisingly, not only did we have this time to ourselves, we were also allowed to leave the hotel and walk around. It was suspiciously good timing, in fact, because there was a festival at a nearby temple.
It was as if they were saying that they didn’t want to go out of their way to prepare recreational activities for us, so we should go ahead and spend our time at the local festival. That being said, it was totally on us to be responsible and stay out of trouble.
None of us really minded; it was better than the alternative of spending more of our precious summer vacation time in class. If anything, this was a blessing for all the guys and girls who wanted to invite that special someone out on a date to the summer festival. They’d be fools not to shoot their shots.
I saw this as the perfect time to get the Irido siblings to go to the festival together, especially since it was famous for its unique fireworks display. And these weren’t the kind that’d be lit from a safe distance. No, these were massive handheld cannons that the experts would carry to shoot the fireworks up to ten meters in the air, showering the area with beautiful sparks.
I’d never seen them before, but I was sure it’d be quite the spectacle. The novelty alone was more than enough reason to ask someone to go watch with you without it being weird—but I knew there was no way the Irido siblings would go by themselves. I needed to employ some tricks to get them right where I wanted them; namely, as long as we went in the same group that had taken the arcade trip, that’d get them to the festival. Then it’d be up to me to get the two of them lost in the crowd.
Since our phones had been conveniently confiscated, they wouldn’t be able to contact us to regroup. So, with that plan in mind, I left the hotel with the rest of them in tow towards the unfamiliar nightlife.
“Bow wow wow!” spilled out of Higashira’s mouth.
“Could you explain what those sounds mean? I left my BowLingual in my other pants pocket,” Mizuto said sarcastically.
“Allow me to translate it for you. It means, ‘This is my first outing with friends at night. I’m filled with excitement!’” Higashira explained.
“Wait, let me ask you something. How good is your sense of direction?”
“Please do not take me for a fool! If I do not see mountains, then we are headed south.”
“That only works if you’re in Kyoto City. Absolutely do not get separated from us.”
Things had progressed more smoothly than I’d anticipated. I’d expected some resistance from Irido to coming out like this, but he’d agreed almost immediately. It was like he hadn’t realized my plans, or he’d wanted to come here with Irido-san from the start and was waiting for an opportunity to invite her. I covered my grin with my hand. Usually, I could keep my emotions in check, but it was hard to do that when I was having all this fun imagining his thought process.
As we walked to the festival, we saw other students from our school here and there in their street clothes. I’d heard that some people brought their yukata to the study camp last year, but I guess no one did this time.
“Aw, I wanted to see you in a yukata, Yume-chan! Hey, how about we all go to a festival when we get back to Kyoto?”
“Sure. The Gion festival’s already passed, but I’m sure there’ll be other chances.”
Akatsuki and Irido-san were chatting, a little bit ahead of us.
In general, Irido, Higashira, and Irido-san seemed more reserved than usual. I figured they’d learned their lesson and were feeling remorseful about everything. Maybe even more than I thought. They weren’t trying to push me and Akatsuki together whatsoever.
Thank god for that! If the two of us had to walk next to each other, I doubt we’d be able to play it cool. I could already feel my blood boiling at the mere thought of it...
“You wanna come too, Higashira-san?”
“Huh? U-Uh, yes...if it’s permitted...”
“Only if you come in a yukata! By the way, did ya know it’s wrong to wear underwear with a yukata?”
“I-I believe that is an urban legend...”
“The urban legend is of it being an urban legend!”
“Akatsuki-san, you’re being very transparent with your desires... You shouldn’t trick Higashira-san into doing something she’s not ready for.”
“Perchance you were after my breasts?! You truly were just pursuing my body in this relationship!” Higashira, pouting, trotted after Akatsuki, leaving just us guys in the back.
Silence fell on us now that Higashira was gone. Irido was the first to break it.
“Kawanami, is something going on between you and Minami-san?”
“Nope. Why?” I answered immediately.
“No clue. Just a feeling.”
“You a psychic now or something?” I chuckled.
“If you insist that nothing’s wrong, then I won’t press any further. Just so you know, I’m the ROM expert today. I’ll keep my mouth shut and continue to observe.” He then quickened his pace to catch up with Akatsuki and the others.
How can you keep your mouth shut when you’ve already said so much? What’s left to say? I’m fine the way things are. After all, I was wrong. I misunderstood... It was all in my head, right?
I’ve always lived by a set of rules that I made in order to become a person who wouldn’t cause any trouble for anyone or ever be a burden. That was the entire basis of my role.
Even so, I’d always thought there was one person who was an exception to the rule. Someone I didn’t have to act out my role in front of. Someone I could actually be myself around. It was a pathetic sentiment, and one that only I carried between the two of us.
“You should be wearing lighter clothes! What’s the point of those beautiful balloons if you don’t show ’em off?!”
“Wha— No touching! Touching is not permitted!”
“Weren’t you wearing a tank top under your hoodie when you came over?” Mizuto added. “I’m surprised you’re not still in it.”
“You were wearing what under your sweatshirt?!” Yume gasped.
“Typical,” Akatsuki said, shaking her head. “Yet another thot who doesn’t mind showing it all around the guy she likes.”
“O-Objection! Blatant slander! I simply have a distinction between street clothes and home clothes.”
“‘Home clothes’ are only ‘home clothes’ when you’re in your own home, Higashira-san.” Akatsuki cackled, surrounded by Irido and the others.
That smile, that laugh. It’s all part of the role you’re playing, isn’t it? It’s just something you made to suit this situation. It’s not really you. It’s not genuine. I always thought you were someone I could be myself with, but you’ve always hid your true self by trying to match others. I know I’ve never seen the real you, but even so... I can feel myself wanting to look at your smile. To listen to your laugh. If I did, then at the very least, I’d know you’re having more fun than when I made you break down in tears in that hospital room. More fun than when I turned my back on you.
I silently stared at the night sky and felt myself becoming lost in the dreamlike beauty of the moon.
Yume Irido
It was inevitable that coming to a summer festival would dredge up memories of my very first date, during which I got separated from him, got lost, sobbed, and...was eventually found by him. Despite being sure that nobody would even look at me, he had. He’d found me. Up until then, I’d thought I was worthless, so when he found me, I really felt like he’d truly found me.
That’s why from then on, I stopped putting on appearances and no longer pretended I was better than I actually was. From then on, we were Yume Ayai and Mizuto Irido. Nothing more. Nothing less.
But the longer our relationship went, the more I tried to adhere to the part of “girlfriend,” hoping we could be a “normal” couple. I stopped being myself. Thinking about that really put things into perspective. Of course it’s hard to keep up a natural familial relationship for years on end, I thought, so how impressive is it for childhood friends to be like that all the time?
“Oh, it’s starting, Yume-chan!” Akatsuki pointed towards a group of happi-wearing men standing on a concrete pier over Lake Biwa. At their feet lay several large tubes.
There was a bang and several flashes of bright lights as sparks of fireworks shot out, showering the surface of the lake in colors. Then the men picked up the tubes and pointed them at the sky.
“Whoa!” Akatsuki-san’s eyes sparkled with wonder from beside me.
She was precious to me—someone I genuinely wanted to stay close with even after high school. And I was sure that she felt the same about me. But even so, I was sure I could never become a replacement for what she’d lost.
Similar to both my and Higashira’s feelings towards him, Akatsuki-san had similar feelings for a past companion that was irreplaceable to her too. After all, he was the only person I’d ever heard her badmouth.
There was another loud bang, and then a rain of colorful fireworks colored the night sky. But just as fast as it’d brightened the sky, the light faded, returning us to darkness. At that moment, I lost track of everyone else, but then I felt a tug on my shirt. Why was it that I knew who it was without even looking? Probably because, regrettably, there was no one better at finding me than him.
He whispered something into my ear, making me smile. I couldn’t help but feel a little envious of Akatsuki-san.
Akatsuki Minami
After they lit the second set, the night sky was once again illuminated by the fireworks that came crackling down in a shower of light. I took a peek at Yume-chan, her perfect face brightened by the fireworks.
Why did I like Yume-chan so much? Sure, she was cute and kind, but more than that, every time I stood next to her, I felt like I was being saved a little. I’d reflected on my actions and was no longer acting self-centered. I made sure to think about other people. She was always genuine and didn’t ask for anything. I knew exactly who she was. I might’ve screwed up once back in April, but that was just because I’d lost myself a little to my fantasies—not because I wanted to actually do anything. All good.
It’d be okay. This time, I wouldn’t mess up. I could behave myself as long as I tried. This time I won’t let even a single fun day we spend together go to waste.
“Huh? Irido-kun?”
I hadn’t noticed because he’d been in the shadows, but he was standing next to Yume-chan. I’d thought he’d be somewhere else with him. But there he was, standing with Yume-chan, their shoulders just barely not touching. I suddenly felt a burst of envy, and I panicked, quickly trying to put out the fire beginning to burn inside me. Calm yourself. Keep it under control.
“Oh, what’s this? You want to chill with the girls? You little perv,” I said jokingly, clinging to Yume-chan’s arm.
I was able to stop myself from going too off the deep end. She wouldn’t have thought I was being too clingy if I acted like this...probably. Yume-chan wouldn’t reject me from just this. Probably.
“Sorry, Akatsuki-san.” She slipped her arm out from my grasp and gently pushed against my shoulder.
“Huh? Yume-chan...?”
“I’ll listen to your complaints as much as you want another time.” Even though she was distancing herself from me, she said this gently as if trying to cheer me up. “Do your best by yourself.”
Then I felt someone grab my hand from behind and pull me away. I knew who it was, but I didn’t care. I felt so sad as Yume-chan slowly disappeared into the crowd. Another firework went off, illuminating the area before disappearing, letting the darkness wash over the space...and me.
Mizuto Irido
“Thanks,” I said.
“Why are you thanking me? This was Kawanami-kun’s request, wasn’t it?” Yume asked pointedly.
“Just kinda felt like I should...”
I thought back to when the fireworks were going off. “Kawanami has something he needs to say to Minami-san,” I’d whispered.
“I’m surprised you were able to figure it out with what little information you had.”
“Yeah, just kinda sensed it, I guess.” I shrugged.
“You ‘sensed’ it, huh?”
I’d been wondering where one’s true self lay. People would talk about roles, personas, and masks as if the front they put on wasn’t who they truly were, but think about it. When do people use those things? Even when you’re thinking by yourself, isn’t it possible that you are simply playing the role of someone who is thinking by themself?
One’s “true self” is like one’s core. It is something you want people to understand the most, but something you can’t even find yourself. If it was to exist anywhere, at the very least...
“It wouldn’t be inside you.”
“Huh? What wouldn’t be?”
“Nothing. Just some philosophy.”
Yume giggled, her face lit up by the moonlight. “You’re kinda like that type of person Higashira-san talked about... An ‘edgelord,’ was it?”
“And this is coming from the person who had David Bowie as their ringtone in middle school?”
“Th-That’s only because it was the theme of the movie you recommended!”
Well, whatever. It was all up to the two of them now. A Read Only Member was someone who sat back and observed the progression of events, not someone who interfered. Hm? Wait. Did we just have a normal conversation about middle school in front of— Huh? I turned around and saw a sea of faces that I didn’t recognize.
“Uh... Where’s Higashira?”
“Huh?” Yume froze as she realized.
“I guess God put me on this earth to find lost girls at summer festivals...”
“Argh! I get it! I’m sorry! Is that enough for you?!”
Kogure Kawanami
The two of us were living in a dreamworld. We understood each other more than anyone else, were charmed by each other more than anyone else, were more loyal to each other than anyone else, and were always able to make each other laugh. A pair of people like us were too good to exist in the real world.
How many years had we been friends? I don’t remember when it started, but we had grown close enough that we were called childhood friends. What did I see in her over ten-plus years?
Was it her cuteness? Her devotion? Her humor? No, those were all nothing more than convenient masks that she’d wear for my sake! I picked out the parts of her that I wanted, making her a dreamlike person, unlike who she really was.
It was too late by the time I realized this. She’d cutely laugh and be bound by her devotion. She may have looked exactly like the very same childhood friend I knew, but I hadn’t realized that something inside her had changed. No, she hadn’t changed at all. Her true self had started poking out from behind the mask she’d been wearing. It wasn’t a sudden change or anything.
She’d always been like that; I had just been ignorant. But it became clear as day when I woke up from the dream and looked at the facts with my own two eyes. But even so... The night landscape of shadow and street lights spread out in front of me. It reminded me of the night of our adventure—of the night sky and the beautiful shining moon.
I’d messed up. I’d really messed up. I truly had no lingering attachments. The feelings I’d felt that night were completely gone, leaving me empty, save for a sinking feeling of regret. So, I’ll say it as many times as I need to.
Don’t get a childhood friend. You’ll never escape, even if you want to.
Don’t get a childhood friend. You won’t be able to hide anything anymore.
Don’t get a childhood friend. Seriously, just don’t. They’re not as easy to forget as a dream.
Akatsuki Minami
It wasn’t until we’d made it out of the crowd that I finally looked to see who’d grabbed my hand. Kogure Kawanami was standing in the dark with his patented frivolous, faint smile. I had to look away from his face that loomed about thirty centimeters above mine. But why? I didn’t know, but it probably had something to do with me not feeling like I had the right to look at him.
I tried to shake my hand free. His was so much bigger than mine, big enough to envelop mine entirely. It was a nostalgic feeling that I couldn’t help but remember. No matter how much I tried, though, he wouldn’t let go. If anything, he held it harder.
“Wanna go for a walk?” he asked softly.
Then, he pulled me by the hand and began walking, forcing me to follow him without having even the faintest idea what was going on.
There were a lot of houses and streetlights that gave this place a feeling of being lived in. Even though we were in a completely unfamiliar area, the night sky and the distant festivities reminded me of that night during our vacation when the two of us had snuck out...whether I wanted them to or not. They also reminded me of the promise we’d made as kids that was never going to be kept.
After taking care to avoid places with people, we arrived at the lakeshore of Lake Biwa. It was a really sad place with only a few benches spread out across the concrete. Because this was a lake, there weren’t any sounds of crashing waves. All that was here was a dark lake, and way in the distance, the lights from the opposite shore.
Kawanami let go of me and stuck his hand into his pocket. “Apparently there’s an even bigger fireworks display at the start of August. We’d be coming back late if we did a day trip, though.”
“What are you up to, Kawanami?” There’s no way he brought me to such a deserted place for just small talk, right?
“Nothin’ really, A-chan.”
He’s still participating in the penalty game? I know he’s only been using that nickname to play along, but...
“It’s just that I thought you looked like you were having a good time.”
“Huh?”
“I figure, nobody’s gonna be around right now. We have the lake to ourselves. Isn’t that kinda exciting? Plus, it looks like the Irido siblings are off by themselves, and I bet that Higashira... Well, she’s not perceptive enough to read the room, but at the very least, she’s probably lost.”
What’s going on? We’ve been together for so long, so I should know pretty much everything about him, but I have absolutely no clue what he’s thinking.
Then I remembered back to the afternoon when he’d seen through my bad acting and silently walked away from me. I thought he’d given up on me. I was sure he’d realized that I wasn’t the same Akatsuki Minami that was “better than a girlfriend.”
“Is that uneasy look the real you? Or somethin’ you’re makin’ up?” he asked coldly, making me jump and look up at him. He was completely expressionless; the kindness that had been on his face before had vanished without a trace. “Are you the Akatsuki Minami I’ve known since we were kids? Or are you my childhood friend?”
I don’t know. Even I don’t know which I am. At first, we weren’t anything—kids who’d just learned to think who didn’t have the concept of childhood friends. We were simply together. That’s how it was supposed to be, but at a certain point, that dynamic changed.
You said I was better than a girlfriend, so I wanted to become better than a girlfriend. I wanted to become a soul mate—the kind that you see in manga and anime. That’s all I wanted. That’s really all I wanted, but...
It felt like Kawanami’s expressionless face had a darkness in it that was swallowing the shadows around us. I could feel my affectionate self and the many layers of masks I wore over my faint smile being sucked one by one away from me until the only thing left was...
“Well, I bet you don’t know.” Kawanami’s face suddenly changed into a self-deprecating smile. “There’s no way for you to know what’s genuinely you and what’s a role you’re playing. It doesn’t really matter. What’s important is that you’re having a good time, right?”
I stopped moving. His face was so bright, it looked like the sun.
“Let’s stop being stupid. I’m sorry for getting pissed off at such a small thing. I was in a bad mood. It wasn’t your fault at all.”
Stop. Don’t be nice to me.
“Gotta say, it was pretty fun, wasn’t it? Pretending to be in a relationship like that makes me know how it feels to be on the receiving side of a ROM. It is kinda embarrassing to call you ‘A-chan now’ that we’re in high school, though.”
My heart. It’s gonna thaw. I’m gonna end up taking advantage of your kindness again. I’m... I’m gonna return to how I was in middle school. I always liked how Ko-kun was able to pick up on even the subtlest hints of my feelings.
Even if we got into a fight, he’d do his best to reconcile. Even with all of his friends, he’d know exactly when to prioritize me instead. He was thoughtful, a mood maker, and could easily blow away any negative feelings inside me. I loved him so much, it made me crazy. But still... That’s exactly why...
“Don’t apologize!!!”
Kogure Kawanami
Akatsuki’s scream cut through the still air.
“Don’t apologize! Blame me! It’s my fault, isn’t it?! It’s because I’m crazy! I’ve never thought about what you want, right?! So why... Why are you the one apologizing?! I treated you so badly that you got a stomach ulcer, right?! Don’t apologize! What am I supposed to do if you apologize?!”
The tears flooded out of her eyes one after another as she screamed at the top of her lungs.
“How are you such a perfect person?! Why would you come to clean my place?! You should’ve cut ties with me already! Even if we’re in the same class and live next to each other, or if my mom asks you to, you could just ignore me! Why are you keeping up appearances?! How can you just act like nothing happened?! Why haven’t you told your parents about what I did?! Tell them all about how dating me made you end up in the hospital! Your mom and dad still think we’re close! It all crumbled because of me! Everything was my fault! It was my fault that you were hospitalized during entrance exam season, and it was my fault that you were so troubled! So why would you— How am I supposed to talk to you?! I don’t know anymore! All I can do is act like I used to! Even when I caused all that trouble for Yume-chan, you covered for me! Why wouldn’t you make her not ever want to be involved with me?! You know better than anyone how much of a nutjob I am! Why can’t you stop involving yourself with me?!?!?!”
She’d bellowed out every last thing from the bottom of her heart. Her throat had dried up, her shoulders were heaving with every breath, and she was wiping the tears off her face with her hand.
“But... Even so...” she continued in a low, pleading voice. “I don’t want you to treat me like a stranger.”
I knew immediately that she’d wanted to say that more than anything. Those words had come from the deepest parts of her heart. I had a hunch that they were her true feelings.
I’m her childhood friend, after all.
“You done?” I asked softly, but heard no answer. In that case... “It’s my turn.”
Akatsuki Minami
“What are you apologizing for?!” he erupted at me, prompting me to raise my face, wet with tears. “You should be pissed! I’m the one who made you cry over and over again! We spent close to ten years together and I ended up being the one who never trusted you at all! Sure, you’re crazy! You’re a nutjob! I don’t wanna date you ever again! But I’m not much better! Ten years! Ten years we spent together, and I didn’t realize how crazy you are! I thought you were cute and kinda good to me. That’s it! That kinda dense guy is a billion times worse than you!”
This was probably the first time I’d heard him yell since that time in the hospital room. But right now, what he was yelling was the exact opposite of back then.
“I’ve wanted to apologize to you for so long! I couldn’t stop thinking about all the horrible things I said to you! But then you go off and make it seem like everything’s your fault?! You piss me the hell off! It makes me sick to have a girl do all the apologizing! Let me apologize a little!!!”
I felt a growl rising in my throat. What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?! “S-Screw you! I’m the one at fault! It’s all my fault! Why should you feel bad about anything?!”
“I’m saying that I’m at fault too, you idiot!”
“I’m not an idiot! I’ve always been tutoring you!”
“That just means you’re good at studying, stupid! You’re such a dumbass!”
“Shut up, idiot! You’re just a stupid softie! What the hell do you mean ‘dense guy’?! It doesn’t matter if we’re childhood friends! How are you supposed to know everything about me?! You can’t! You’re the victim! Why don’t you understand that?!”
“You’re just an idiot that doesn’t understand anything! You’re such an idiot!”
“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
“Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!”
We were both so ridiculous. Like, worse than elementary schoolers. We were being immature, stupid kids, but we couldn’t stop. It was like a dam had broken and all our words had come gushing out. I couldn’t stop myself from throwing every last word I could at the guy in front of me. I couldn’t think of anything else but that. I didn’t have time to play a role or put up appearances. It felt so nostalgic.
How long had it been since we’d fought like this? The last time I could remember was when he’d made fun of an anime I was watching. I started wailing and then his mom yelled at him, and in the end, we were both crying.
Or maybe the last time was when I’d beat him at a game we were playing? He didn’t think I’d ever beat him, so he’d let down his guard, and I’d ended up winning. When I got really happy about it, he’d been a sore loser, and we got into a fight.
But why is it... Seriously, why is it that even though I was your girlfriend—even if it was for a short period—we never had those kinds of moments? We were just a normal, happy, fun-loving couple. We even had a lot of bittersweet memories. And yet, despite that... Why is it that only the memories of our childhood came back to me?
As we stood there, yelling at each other using the same few words over and over again, tears and snot dripping down our faces, I started to wish that I was an introverted reader like Yume-chan. Sometime during all of that, we both ran out of breath.
Our shoulders heaved as we glared at each other. Just as we were about to start up again, Ko-kun suddenly fell onto me.
“Wha— K-Ko-kun?!” E-Even if no one’s around, you can’t be so bold! Also, you’re friggin’ heavy!
It took me a bit to realize that he was putting his entire weight onto me. I held out my arms and supported him. Ko-kun was surprisingly fit despite being slender and so warm... Wait, warm?
I looked at his face and saw that he was sweating bullets. His face had gone pale from the heat. I hesitantly looked at his arms and saw hives, just as I’d expected.
“K-Ko-kun?! This entire time, you were—”
“Sorry, but could you not call me that right now?”
I shut my mouth in a panic. He wasn’t a mind reader, so his weird allergy or PTSD or whatever wasn’t triggered when he sensed romantic feelings from someone...but he could probably figure it out after all that screaming. My feelings for him were still inside me.
Who ever said that girls overwrite memories while guys save them under a different name? That’s not true at all. There are way too many memories; it’d take forever to overwrite all of them. I’ve heard that time passes faster the older you get. That means, internally, years are shorter the older you are, and much longer the younger you are. If that’s the case, then it’d take longer than my entire life to overwrite the ten years of memories I made as a child. How could I forget any of them? Even if things ended in the worst way possible, we’d still have been childhood friends.
“Being childhood friends with you was hell, but...” Ko-kun whispered into my ear through ragged breaths. “Remember when we made that Rube Goldberg machine for our summer homework?”
“Yeah...”
“Remember when we went all the way to the mountains for that mobile game that uses your location?”
“Yeah...”
“And our family vacation when we snuck out at night?”
“Yeah...”
“That was all really fun...”
“Yeah...”
That was all before we had any awareness of being a guy or a girl. It was when we were neither childhood friends nor a couple.
“We have so many memories together... So many it’s almost annoying, but just because things didn’t work out when we were dating... Should all those memories really become hell? Thinking like that...” I could hear his ragged breaths clearly. “It’s so lonely...” His voice shook. Tears were streaming down his face. I’d never heard him sound so vulnerable before.
When was the last time he cried? I seriously can’t remember.
“A-chan...”
“What...?”
“Do you... Do you remember our promise?” Suddenly, all the strength left his body at the same time he said that.
I stood my ground, holding him tightly so he wouldn’t fall. We’d made that promise when we were the same height, but now he was thirty centimeters taller than I. He’d grown so big that I could barely hold him up, even though we used to run around together as kids. But the sky still shone like it had back then.
“I remember, Ko-kun...” Of course I remember. Do you think I’d ever let you forget?
Kogure Kawanami
“You’re finally awake.”
I slowly opened my eyes to the tired voice above me. A-chan was looking down at my face with the starry sky as a backdrop. I felt the sensation of hardwood against my back and a soft something supporting my head. In all likelihood, my head was on her thighs. Apparently I’d been arranged to use her lap as a pillow while lying on the bench.
“How long was I out?”
“Probably thirty minutes or so. Kinda hard to know without my phone.”
“Ah... No wonder it’s cold.” I shivered.
Even though it was summertime, sleeping outside for thirty minutes was enough to make someone cold. At the very least, both my fever and nausea had mostly subsided.
“If you’re better now, could you get off of me? My legs are asleep.”
“That right? I’d be happy to. They weren’t very comfortable anyway— OW!” I yelped as the thighs that’d been supporting my head suddenly disappeared from underneath me, leaving my head to smack against the bench.
While I groaned in agony, I couldn’t help but be surprised by how soft her thighs had become. She must’ve gotten some muscle. Or maybe all the fat that was supposed to go to her boobs went to her thighs instead. Oh, now you decide to develop into the kind of girl I like. I sat up in an effort to clear my mind of the sensation I’d just felt.
“Shouldn’t you be nicer? I’m hurtin’ here.”
“I don’t care. Why don’t you get a girlfriend who’s nice to you? Shouldn’t be hard since you’re Mr. Popular.”
“What the hell’s your problem? If my body wasn’t like this, I’d have already—”
“Sorry,” Akatsuki said sharply.
“What? Got somethin’ you wanna say?”
“Nope. I’m just sorry that I got in the way of your high school harem life.”
Harem? I’m not that popular. That’s really what you think of me? Then I remembered her words: “I don’t want you to treat me like a stranger.”
I remembered back to when Akatsuki was crying her eyes out. When she had been wailing at me, I hadn’t realized that my allergy symptoms had started. That meant that she...you know. That meant that her current jealous attitude was...
“Hey, you...” I started grumbling as I felt hives surfacing across my arm. “I’m still recovering. Can’t you hold back a little?”
Plus, I could feel my head getting hot. Wait... Up until now, I’d never felt hot in my head or face before during these episodes. Or maybe I just never noticed. This had to be a part of my allergic reaction. It had to!
“Pfft!” Akatsuki snorted, her shoulders shaking with laughter.
Huh...? What’s going on? I can’t keep up with this. Akatsuki spun around to face me, and I saw that she was wearing a devilish smile. “How’s my acting?”
“Huh...?”
“Oh, what’s this? You’re kinda red. I just pretended to be a teensy bit jealous, but that’s enough to make you blush? You think too highly of yourself, Ko-kun!”
“Ahhhh!!!” She’d set me up. How could she do that in this situation? What a bitch!
“Want to rest your head on my thighs again, Ko-kun? C’mon go right ahead.”
“Stop!!!”
I felt regret in the deepest level of my core. How could I have dated this girl? That was, without doubt, the biggest failure of my life. I will repeat this as many times as necessary, as if it’s my mantra—never ever date your childhood friend.
“Um... Could I possibly interject?” A familiar voice drifted through the darkness, startling the crap out of us.
The moonlight faintly highlighted the figure of our classmate. There was no mistaking it—standing there was Isana Higashira. She was usually not one to have expressions on her face, but right now she was wearing an extremely annoying shit-eating grin.
“I do so apologize for interrupting your flirting; however, could either of you possibly direct me towards the temple? I’d be very grateful.”
“Hi-Higashira-san... How long have you been here?” Akatsuki asked.
“From when you offered him another chance to lay on your lap, b-but fear not! I’m not one to spread rumors! Although I am quite loose-lipped!”
“You’re definitely gonna tell Yume-chan and Irido-kun! St-Stop! It was a joke! It was just a joke!!!”
Mizuto Irido
The study camp had concluded, and we were put back on the buses, separated by class. Higashira looked extremely sad, but there wasn’t much that could be done since we were in different classes. She’d just have to make do with having her phone back.
Minami-san took a seat in the back while Kawanami headed to an aisle seat.
“Huh, Minami-san, you’re not gonna sit next to Kawanami-kun?” one of the girls teased.
This hasn’t run its course yet? I’d assumed it was done yesterday, but now I felt bad since it seemed like it’d continue into summer break.
“Oh, we broke up!” Minami-san said nonchalantly.
“Ha ha ha!”
“What? Why?”
“Hm... Irreconcilable differences?”
“What are you, a band?!”
“Aha ha ha ha!”
“Aw, Kawanami, how’s it feel to be dumped?”
“I can finally be a normal guy again.”
“What are you, an idol?!”
“Aha ha ha!”
Wow, they’re good. With that, they had definitely put this to rest. This joke was dead in the water, meaning they wouldn’t have to be bothered by it anymore. In the midst of my admiration, I heard a notification pop up on my phone. It was from Yume.
Yume: It looks like everything went well between the two of them.
Mizuto: Yep, looks like it.
Yume: I heard from Higashira-san that the two of them were apparently flirting in a deserted area. Maybe they’re actually dating now?
Mizuto: Possibly.
Yume: Aren’t you curious?
Mizuto: Not at all.
This little episode had made it clear to me that I had absolutely no interest in being a ROM.
“Heya, bestie!” A guy called out before sitting next to me. It goes without saying that it was Kogure Kawanami.
“Who’re you calling ‘bestie’? You’re the type of guy who’d rescue me from bullying. A bestie would just join in.”
“I have no clue what you mean, but in any case, I wouldn’t rescue you. I’d prevent it from happening in the first place.” He grinned. “So, hey... Thanks for last night. I appreciate your help.”
“You’re the one who started it and saw it through to the end.”
In actuality, I didn’t know what exactly had happened between Kawanami and Minami-san. I only kinda sensed that their relationship was heading in a bad direction and knew that someone as tactful as he could probably solve it, so I gave him that necessary push. It seemed like it worked out thanks to his social abilities—actually, no. This had nothing to do with his social abilities. At any rate, Kogure Kawanami had solved it with his own strength.
“So, mind if I ask you a question then, Irido?”
“What?”
“Where’d you go off to last night with Irido-san?”
“...” I did my best not to freeze up.
I could see Kawanami’s creepy grin from his reflection in the bus window.
“The two of you went back to the hotel. I thought you’d be out there looking for Higashira... Why’d you go back?”
“We thought Higashira might’ve gone back too.”
“All right, follow-up question. Why were the two of you in tracksuits?”
“We took a bath.”
“Even though Higashira was lost? I know how protective you are of Higashira, so something doesn’t add up.”
“...”
“What I think it means is that something happened between the two of you that forced you to take a bath. Maybe something that had you...drenched in water?”
I exhaled. How could this guy be so perceptive and yet get into a fight with Minami-san?
“I’m just shootin’ out theories, so you can ignore me. But you know what, I don’t think it rained yesterday, which means if you both got soaked, it only could’ve been if you both fell into water... Maybe a lake or something? Lake Biwa isn’t very well illuminated, so maybe while you were looking for Higashira, you slipped and...”
I didn’t slip. All I did was try to save that idiot from falling in, but I somehow managed to get dragged in too.
“Oh, right! And Irido-san was wearing white yesterday. You know the fun thing about white clothes? They become transparent when wet.”
Yeah, and they stick to the skin, revealing all sorts of colors that were supposed to be hidden by the clothes—the color of her skin, blue cloth, and...red. Even though it had been dark, it had been easy to tell that she was blushing as she tried to cover her chest.
“It’d make sense that you’d have to go back to the hotel at that point. But that leaves one problem: you couldn’t walk into the hotel drenched. You needed a place to take off and wring out your clothes first.”
“Shut up.” I rammed my elbow into his side.
“Gah!”
I thought you were only supposed to observe as a ROM, not talk about things you didn’t even see. Thinking about it, I was kinda pissed off, because this made it seem like Kawanami knew us better than we knew ourselves.
Suddenly, Yume’s words from last night echoed in my head. “Don’t you dare look over here...”
Those who watch force their own desires onto those who are being watched. Those who are being watched fool themselves into believing convenient lies. There’s always a difference between your ideal self and your real self. That’s why only you know who you truly are.
Humans have two eyes in order to properly perceive objects. Maybe we need two eyes to properly judge the shape of our hearts too. We need two eyes to see our values, prejudices, and desires that we can only see with the one eye in our heart.
But if the true self I found within me wasn’t someone who could help me achieve what I wanted, would I think about changing? Well, I guess inadequate ideas are worse than none at all. If I ever do encounter that situation, I think I’ll choose the more fun option.
No Comments Yet
Post a new comment
Register or Login