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They say that you don’t know if you found true love until it’s already over.
Well, I guess I’ll never know whether this is true love, the girl thought.
She didn’t know when this love started—and yet.
The one thing the girl did know was that her love would never end.
…………
The girl had no recollection of when this love of hers began.
But it wasn’t when she first laid eyes on the boy.
It felt more like she’d loved him from the moment she was born—maybe earlier.
It was hard for her to remember how she even breathed before loving the boy.
She couldn’t recall a time when she woke up for any reason other than him. There were no conceivable reasons to smile…other than to see him smile back.
She’d forgotten why she slept, if not to feel the warmth of his embrace…
The girl couldn’t remember who she was before the boy came into her life, much less imagine it.
So she figured she must have been born to be with this boy. That she wasn’t even alive until they first met.
Therefore, her death would come once her love ended—that much she was sure of.
Or maybe…, the girl thought.
Maybe if she were to die and be reborn, she’d seek out the boy again in her next life.
In that case, what if I’m already dead?
That would mean that she loved the boy in her previous life. It certainly explained why she couldn’t remember anything.
I guess I’ll never get the chance to find out what true love is, then.
Even death wasn’t enough for her to find the true meaning of her love…
How long had it been since the girl had pondered all this?
The girl—Shiro—found herself standing before a door that day.
Shiro—and her older brother, of course—were joined by a superfluous trio.
The five of them stared at that door, which had words written on it… Words so large that no one could miss them:
A SPACE THAT ONLY COUPLES CAN LEAVE
That’s right—in essence…
It declared in very blunt terms: Shiro and her brother weren’t a couple.
The door was trying to pair her brother with someone other than herself. It implied the existence of a third party.
It suggested that her love, something that wasn’t supposed to end even after death, was going to be brought to an end by this nebulous third party—a new enemy.
Heh…
That day, a slight grin appeared on Shiro’s face…and she quietly raged…
The Kingdom of Elkia, its capital city.
The once downtrodden royal capital was bustling with the life and vigor of its many citizens. At its center was the Elkia Royal Castle, where three figures sat facing each other around a table.
One of the figures was a dark-haired, dark-eyed young man dressed in an “I PPL” shirt: Sora.
The second figure was atop his lap. A small girl with long white hair and ruby-colored eyes: Shiro.
The pair were the two rulers of Elkia, known and loved by their people by many a name, such as the Degenerate Monarchs, the Absentee Monarchs, and the Deadbeat Monarchs, among others.
The two rulers were in the midst of…working.
That’s right. These two were…working!!
…More accurately, they were playing a simple card game.
In this world of Disboard, where everything is decided by games, the ruler of a country must also hold games.
While it may have appeared that they were simply playing around, any onlooker would recognize the duo was engaged in the noblest of endeavors.
Sitting across from the two diligent rulers was their opponent—a young noblewoman.
With the new land Elkia had acquired, the kingdom was quickly snapping up new resources and rare goods. Dealing with petitions for the rights to such goods from money-grubbing individuals—ahem, the dukes and earls—was usually the chief minister’s responsibility.
When the request involves challenging the king directly, however, the king must answer the call of his people
“’Kay, that’s my win. Sorry, but you’re gonna need another million years before you can even hope to beat me. ”
Sora casually flipped his five cards over—it was more than evident that he had cheated, although there was no way of knowing for certain.
He almost seemed annoyed. And why wouldn’t he? The girl was forcing him to work by challenging him to a game.
There was a silver lining to his labor, though.
“…I wouldn’t expect anything less of our king. Your card skills are impeccable. I’m truly impressed.”
The young noblewoman stood up after having lost her match. She elegantly pinched the hem of her dress and curtsied.
“Now, in line with the Covenants—I’ll serve you as a lady-in-waiting from this day forward.”
Had she won, her noble rank would’ve risen, allowing her family to oversee the new territories. Was she to lose, she would submit to the chief minister’s policy and become a live-in maid at the castle.
Such were the terms of their game… Or well, they were supposed to be…
“…Hmm. Yeah, something weird’s been going on lately…,” Sora mumbled suspiciously as he watched Ms. Ex-Noble-Turned-Lady-in-Waiting Number Five leave the chamber.
This marked the fifth time a ruler sent a young woman in their stead to challenge Sora to a game.
Even stranger was how the maids-to-be acted after they lost. None of them was sad or upset. In fact, they almost seemed happy about losing…
Not only did she lose access to new territories, but this high society woman would be forced to wear maid outfits and serve tea at the castle. So…why did she pump her fist in victory as she left the room…?
“Hope it’s not some weird virus or whatever. I’d rather not deal with a pandemic in another world.”
Elkian civilization was much like Sora’s own world around the beginning of the fifteenth century—it went without saying that antibiotics didn’t exist yet.
A bad flu season would be enough to upend the kingdom, not to mention what it could do to Sora and his sister. He might even need to call on the Commonwealth of Elkia for an emergency conference—
“…Brother…this is why…you’re still, a virgin…”
“You think that me worrying about my country from time to time is the root cause of my involuntary celibacy?! Then down with the Elkia Kingdom!!”
In less than a heartbeat, Sora motioned to defer his sovereign duties upon hearing his sister’s coldhearted suggestion.
“What Lord Shiro is trying to say is that those women came here intent on losing.”
The beautiful voice that answered Sora belonged to someone who hadn’t been there moments ago.
A girl with cross-shaped pupils appeared out of thin air: Jibril, the Flügel.
“…? …They wanted to lose?” he asked.
“Yes. I believe their true intentions were to acquire permission to serve you, Master.”
…Huh. That’s a new one. Sora furrowed his brow.
So these noble houses were handing off their daughters to the king under the guise of losing their wager—essentially cajoling Sora with feminine wiles and beauty. Losing a game could potentially bear more fruit than any land acquisitions.
Not to mention the off chance that one of these daughters might become queen.
For nobility, arranged marriages were just a part of business as usual.
“…So it was a honey trap set up by their parents? That doesn’t quite sit right…”
If that’s the case, I’d better send them all back home…, Sora thought. However:
“And why would it? I, for one, believe the girls are more than happy with the outcome,” said Jibril.
“…Hmm? What do you mean by happy?”
With Sora unable to read what she was getting at, Jibril continued with an ear-to-ear smile and said, “Though I’m hardly well versed in the subtleties of Immanity emotion, it was more than evident to me that those girls felt the L word for you, Master. ”
The L word? What are we, in kindergarten?
Still, there’s no way that’s possible, Sora thought with a sigh.
“So naive, Jibril. Come on—what makes you think those girls have the hots for me?”
“With all due respect, Master, you ought to take a moment to examine yourself.”
Okay…
I’m an antisocial shut-in virgin gamer with no formal education or job, and I’ve never had a girlfriend.
He failed to see the point in analyzing his pathetic life.
“To start off, Master—you’re the savior of Elkia, Immanity’s sole surviving nation. You’re a hero to your race.” Jibril added a little flourish as she continued her grandiose speech. “You’re a traverser of dimensions who came to Disboard and saved the country from falling into the clutches of an Elf spy, conquering even magic itself… Had you not shown up, Immanity would have surely perished by now.”
…She’s not lying…
“And the moment you became king, you used your otherworldly knowledge to lift Elkia from dire straits!! You easily defeated me, a Flügel, then recouped Elkian land taken by the Eastern Union, the third-greatest country in the world—only to stop an evil plot by Oceand, before finally taking out an Old Deus and even conquering the Ex Machina!! And all without shedding a drop of blood.”
…Go on…
“Thus, the Elkia that was once on the verge of collapse is now positioned at the center of a multinational, multiracial commonwealth—the scale of which is comparable to that of Elven Gard.”
…Uh-huh…
“Even when standing before the mightiest of foes—foes Immanity could never dream of fighting—you are always up for the challenge!! You used your unparalleled wit to force your enemies to yield and at last managed to defeat a god. You broke down barriers, saw to the realization of prosperity among the races—a concept that none so much as fathomed before your arrival. Yes, you’re the manifestation of the limitless possibilities the Immanity harbor. A living legend!! …That is what you are, Master.”
…Well, when you put it like that, it does sound pretty badass.
His tale was something epic—so long as you left out the “virgin” and “shut-in” parts.
Sora’s gaze grew distant and melancholic.
“Objectively speaking, Master—what reason is there not for you to be popular with females?”
“…Objectively speaking?”
She may have a point…?
Regardless of how Sora was as a person, not a single statement Jibril made was untrue.
“Even without these incredible feats, you’re the king of this nation—your personality aside, I feel it’s only natural for women to be attracted to your power and wealth.”
R-right. That’s true, too.
Arranged marriages between nobles didn’t sound great in terms of human rights, but marrying for status wasn’t an uncommon phenomenon, even in his own world. Sora had no criticisms to offer.
“So allow me to ask you once more—what reason do you not have to be popular with females?”
“…Um, uh…Shiro…? Milady? What do you make of Jibril’s analysis?”
The more he thought about it, the more her point stood to reason.
This reason, however, went against all his instincts, so he looked down to his sister atop his lap for confirmation.
Not surprisingly, Shiro explained why she had looked so upset this entire exchange.
“…Mm. Lately…Brother…you’ve been too popular…”
Her words of affirmation hit Sora like a proverbial ton of bricks.
They’re actually kinda right!
Now that you mention it—I’m a frickin’ king!! The king of Immanity! A king who saved the Immanity nation!!
If that can’t get me girls, then what can?!
Besides, everything in this world is decided via games.
All forms of violence are forbidden, and all conflicts are settled through games.
Being good at games…is the sole form of strength permitted in this world!!
I’m the strongest Immanity of all—so it’s only inevitable that women would wanna get with me, right?!
“My apologies, Master, but you’re being far too modest.”
Without realizing it, he had said all this out loud. Jibril took the liberty of correcting him.
“You are indeed the world’s strongest Immanity—but the qualifier of strongest isn’t limited to the Immanity.”
…What…?
“You’ve already defeated the Flügel, as well as the Elf, Werebeast, Siren, Dhampir, Old Deus, and even the Ex Machina—you’ve proved to be more formidable than them all.”
S-so what are you getting at? I think I have an idea, but…?
“You mean to say that not only Immanity girls, but angel-girls and elf-girls and animal-girls, mermaids and vampiresses—and goddesses and cyborg-girls and mecha-girls have already genuflected before my might?!”
He couldn’t believe what he was saying. Sora was the most popular man in history— Nay…
Dare I say that this could be the first coming of the greatest and most popular man since the dawn of time—the alpha and omega of eligible bachelors?!
“Master… With this in mind, please allow me, Jibril, to suggest a proposal for you.”
“Oh…? A proposal to the king of the alpha males? Very well. I’ll allow it, but just this once. Let’s hear it.”
And thus, Jibril kneeled before the king who let his popularity with the ladies get to his head at the speed of light.
“Regarding the five maids-in-training—why not use them to create a harem?”
A harem: a place for the king’s many wives and lovers.
In other words: an actual harem, like the kind you see in manga.
“As you can tell from the looks on their faces, they won’t reject your invitation—in fact, I think they would each accept it with open arms. If you do go forward with the creation of a harem, my only wish is that you include me in your legion of female attendants. ”
…N-no… There’s no way I could ever… Could I?
Sora was just a man who kind of ended up being the most alpha male in the universe.
Upon hearing Jibril’s proposal, the once king of the virgins cast his gaze downward in fear.
He more than expected to be greeted with a subzero stare from his sister atop his lap—and yet.
“…Mm… Concubines…aren’t actual wives…technically…”
Her remark was far and beyond the realm of his expectations. Though apparently conflicted by the decision, Shiro raised a finger and continued:
“…I’ll allow it… Brother, ’grats on…popping your cherry…”
“STEEEEEEPH!! We’re building a harem! I’m gonna be the King of the Harems!!”
Strike while the iron’s hot, as the saying goes.
Sora hoisted Shiro under one arm and shot into Steph’s office like an arrow with the sound effects to match.
Seated at a desk was a redheaded girl working diligently on some documents.
She was Stephanie Dola, chief minister of Elkia. Slowly, almost sluggishly, she turned to face him.
And then—with a calm and collected expression, she heaved a deep sigh before…enlightening Sora.
“…It’s about time to wake up now, don’t you think?”
?
Hold up. What’s Steph talking about? I haven’t the slightest idea.
Oh. OH. I see what’s going on here.
Sounds to me like Steph wants in on the King of the Alphas’ almighty harem.
There, there, silly goose. You’ve nothing to fear, for the alpha supreme Sora will make sure all his ladies are satisfied—
“…You’re aware this is a dream, right?”
“…………Uh? Wait, what?”
The second he heard Steph say the word “dream”—it hit him like a freight train.
He heard a massive cracking sound as his vision drained of all color.
“I assume you’re not so delusional as to think a girl would ever like you…”
The cracking intensified with every word that escaped her lips.
Perhaps it was the sound of shattering dreams.
Wh-why though…?
I—I mean, I’m the universe’s…strongest gamer…
“Uh-huh, right. I think you mean gamers, with an s, since you’re only the strongest when you’re paired with Shiro. Alone, Sora, you’re—”
Crack!
It’s possible this was also the sound of Sora’s heart cracking to pieces.
St-stop… Don’t say any more…!
“—nothing more than a toddler—no, an infant—who can’t even walk and talk on his own, let alone play games.”
Crack, crack!
Sora realized that noise was indeed his own heart breaking into pieces.
He attempted to say something—anything—to get Steph to stop talking—
J-just stop already…will ya?!
“You’re a lying, conniving con artist. You act all tough, but in reality, you lack even the slightest inkling of self-confidence. You say you want to be popular with women, but the second one shows an iota of interest, you run in the opposite direction. You want a girlfriend, but since you can’t tell the difference between affection and sexual desire, you have no idea what you actually want to do. You’re a sly, cowardly, pathetic failure of a man—that is what you are, Sora.”
Finally, the cracking became deafening.
Sora listened to the sound of his own heart crumbling and… Ah…
“You never work at all, and you barely show yourself to your own people. You’re a lazy, shut-in king. Why would you ever think women would like you or see you as an object of desire? Why don’t you quit it with your ridiculous dreaming and get some work done for once in your life?”
Sora heard Steph’s voice growing increasingly distant.
As his consciousness faded, Sora grinned ever so slightly.
Yeah, I’m perfectly aware… I always knew it was all a dream from the very start. It was a no-brainer, really. I knew it from the get-go, seeing as Shiro and I entered the scene hard at work. But so what? Can’t a guy dream…? Like, can’t I at least dream inside of my dream?
And thus, as he slowly came to, Sora felt something he’d experienced tens of thousands of times prior.
…I mean, c’mon, at least lemme get to the kinky part before you wake me up…
“Sora!! Shiro!! You’re in there, right?! Are you asleep?!”
From under his sheets, Sora could hear Steph hollering for him while she pounded on his door.
Ah—she’s gonna kick me out of bed and try getting me to work like she always does, just like in my dreams.
Answering the all-too-familiar voice of reality, Sora replied hoarsely—barely eking out his response:
“…It’s not like I’ll get a girlfriend today anyway. I don’t wanna get out of bed…”
“That is definitely the weirdest excuse you’ve given to escape work yet!! If you’re in there, hurry up and come out already!!”
Steph shouted through the door and began kicking it, only to be ignored by Sora, who cocooned himself deeper within his blankets.
After awakening from his dream, Sora cried.
He buried his face in his pillow and sobbed to the point of exhaustion.
He wept not because he couldn’t achieve a harem even within the confines of his dreams—but because he awoke to a harsh reality that he never wished to know.
Yes—Sora was a virgin.
Yes, he was speeding down the highway to loserdom in his shut-in, jobless vehicle.
But just as Jibril stated in his dream, despite him being a total loser, he was half of the strongest pair of gamers in this world. That much was fact, and it was also a fact that he was an honest-to-goodness king.
And even with his kingly might and authority, he remained unpopular with women.
So what did Sora have to do to get a girlfriend? The answer was clear as day:
It was impossible—he was helpless…
And thus, Sora managed to speak, his voice hoarse from all his crying:
“The only reason a man has to live…is to get the girl…”
What is our purpose?
An age-old question, but a question that is all too obvious among the male sex.
In terms of biology, that purpose is to mate with a superior specimen.
In brutally honest terms, the only reason men do anything is to look cool.
In other words, men want to have women look at them and go “Ooooh, he’s hot! ” with actual hearts in their eyes!!
The reason men risk their lives for fame and fortune—and even live in the first place—is because they want attention from the ladies!!
So what if… Just what if that wasn’t necessarily the case?
That no matter how much you risked your hide, no matter how much fame or fortune you acquired—you’d never see hearts appear in a lady’s eyes, you’d end your life without ever being loved or even noticed by a girl?
“…I know I’ll never be popular with women, and yet I wake up… Why, though? Why do I go on living, despite knowing that every single thing I ever do will amount to nothing? Ah… I’m so tired…”
It was all so exhausting.
Sora was tired of his bachelor reality.
He was tired of not even being able to dream of getting girls.
“Hey, Shiro… Your brother is probably gonna die right here in this bed. You don’t mind that, do ya…?”
“…Zzz…”
Sora hugged his little sister, sleeping audibly next to him. He knew these would be the last tears he ever shed. He closed his eyes, when—
“What are you even talking about?! Just get up already, okay?! We have an emergency on our hands!! We’re—stuck!”
“My apologies, Master. It appears I can neither shift nor use my magic at the moment—”
“Addendum: Current location unknown. All known exits have been demolished. Unable to confirm existence of food and water. Conclusion: I predict Master’s and his companions’ lives are in danger. Things are pretty bad.”
Upon hearing the second and third reports after Steph’s, Sora finally sat up with Shiro.
………What?
“…Huh? Where are we?”
Eventually managing to pull themselves out of bed, the two of them left their room.
This wasn’t the Elkia Royal Castle, nor was this room their humble bedchamber.
In the room they had never seen before stood Steph—as well as a Flügel girl with a halo atop her head and an Ex Machina with violet hair: Jibril and Emir-Eins.
According to them, they were unable to shift, use magic, or destroy the building.
Faced with this unsettling news, Steph anxiously continued:
“So it looks like Sora doesn’t know what’s going on, either… We all woke up in this strange room… Where could this possibly be? Moreover—why are we here?”
Sora, Shiro, Steph, Jibril, and Emir-Eins: The five of them awoke in an unfamiliar room and had no idea how or why they were there…
Unable to use magic, the group found themselves in this seemingly inescapable space without any food or water.
Just as Steph screamed to Sora earlier, this was, in fact, an emergency. Sora took a moment to calm down and look at his surroundings.
It was indeed a room he’d never seen before—and it was something of a fancy room, at that.
The room was without a single window, so there was no way for them to see the conditions outside.
The only objects inside were a sofa and table, along with five chairs.
There were also…four small doors and one lone, giant door.
The small doors led to the chamber where Sora and Shiro had come to, as well as the chambers where their three companions had awakened.
This meant that if there was a way out of here, chances were…it was the big door. Without saying a word, Sora walked up to it.
…There was no knob or keyhole. He pushed against the door, but it didn’t budge.
This was, however, a given. And that was because…
Sora stood there and stared at the note posted on the door, and the others soon joined him.
That’s right: All five knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was their biggest problem.
They stared at the door in unison.
To be more precise, they stared at the note posted on the door—written in the Immanity language. It said:
A SPACE THAT ONLY COUPLES CAN LEAVE
Sooo…
“S-Sora?! Why are you crying all of the sudden?!” came Steph’s muffled voice.
Tears of gratitude ran down Sora’s cheeks—gratitude for the reality he had lamented only moments earlier.
…It was a long eighteen years. He’d been in this world for a considerable amount of time, too.
But finally. It was here. The chance he’d been waiting for had finally presented itself!!
Yes—a space that only couples could leave!!
Couple, noun. Two persons paired together; two persons married, engaged, or otherwise romantically paired.
Sora and Shiro clearly fit the first definition, but that kind of “couple” didn’t apply here, given how they weren’t able to leave this room together.
Which could only mean—the “couple” in this note referred to the “romantically paired” variety!
And what’s more! There were four women and a single male!
This meant that they were stuck in a space they couldn’t leave without first getting into a relationship!
Sora was only just crushed by the harsh reality that he’d never get a girlfriend—how could he not weep at this news…?
This was the event that would end his girlfriend-less streak, the lengths of which equaled…every waking minute of his entire life!!
Oh? You think it’ll just end one step before he gets to the good part, like always?
Heh-heh. That’s not what Sora’s after.
He was trapped in a room with four other people. There was no way he could do the deed in there. It’d actually be really strange if someone was stuck in a room they had to bump uglies to get out of, much less with spectators present. Maybe they first needed to go on a date or something? Anyhow, that’s not what Sora was after to begin with!!
It didn’t matter if bumping uglies was nothing more than an excuse to get out of this room!!
The minute Sora escaped, he would upgrade from “an eighteen-year-old virgin who’s never had a girlfriend before” to “an eighteen-year-old virgin who had a girlfriend once, even if only for a second”!!
What’s the difference, you ask?
I’ll have you know there is a very big difference between the two.
Why wasn’t this man—a king and half of the strongest gaming duo ever—popular with women?
He believed this was due to the zero-product property!!
No matter how much fame or fortune he amassed, when multiplied by zero, it all amounted to nothing—however!
If he was able to get a girlfriend, even if for a minute—no, for 0.1 seconds—it could pave the way for an answer that was greater than zero for once!!
A virgin who’s never had a girlfriend versus a virgin who had a girlfriend but soon broke up with her—it was clear to Sora that the difference between these two was even greater than the chasm separating the heavens and the earth!!
…Granted, he wasn’t about to let himself get too optimistic—the five of them were still in a pickle.
They had no recollection as to how they got in this destitute room where their lives were in danger and they were being forced to pair up into relationships…
The Ten Covenants, however, should prevent any abduction and confinement, as well as the unsolicited erasure of memory.
The only exception to this rule was when both parties gave their consent to do so. This meant they’d brought their current situation upon themselves.
That’s right—it was most definitely a game they were in.
They weren’t sure who they were up against or what their goal was—these were part of the game’s terms—but it was a game nonetheless; ergo, it was beatable.
If I didn’t think it was beatable, then I would’ve never agreed to play in the first place.
Unless, of course, I did it out of desperation because I can’t get a girlfriend!
There was no way Sora would get himself into a game he couldn’t win just for the LOLs…!!
In other words: Nothing to fear.
His key to a perfect, happy victory was standing right next to him, potential foreshadowing be damned.
Having thought all this in less than a millisecond, Sora turned his gaze to the four ladies with him.
Now, which one of these little pretties will be my coveted first girlfriend? Who, who, whoooooo?!
“Clarification: Circumstances ascertained. The solution is incredibly simple. A cinch. Einfar.”
The first one to make their move was, well, somewhat predictable.
The mecha-girl sporting a maid outfit and violet hair leaned into Sora’s right arm—and continued:
“Recapitulation: Current space is escapable through the creation of couples. This unit loves her master. Loves him. Very much. This unit loves you. Hee-hee-hee. With the annunciation of the two words ‘Me too,’ our unification as a couple shall be complete. Current space shall be escapable. Now, Master. Répète après moi: Me too.”
Hearing her sweet whisper graze his ear, Sora was the very picture of a man thinking something quite lewd.
In other words—he listened with the most serious expression humanly possible.
Heh… So my first girlfriend will be Emir-Eins. Not too shabby, eh? She might have a few screws loose up there, and sure, she’s pretty dim-witted and forceful in her ways, but looks-wise? She’s a bona fide babe.
More importantly, she’s a friggin’ cyborg maid who calls me Master—let’s run with it!
“In that case, Master, please allow me to play the part of your girlfriend.”
Just as Sora chose to take up the Ex Machina’s offer willy-nilly, Jibril leaned into his left arm as if to tip the scale back to level.
“You needn’t settle for this inexperienced heap of scrap metal, Master. You have me as your servant. You can use me like a twenty-four-hour convenience store: open all day, every day. I’ll provide you with everything you need from one morning to the next. ”
“Rebuttal: Flügel, who nay understand the subtleties of human emotion, are not fit to service Master.”
“Oh? And this assessment is coming from artificial intelligence that can’t even pick up when her master is avoiding her, is it not?”
“Comprehension: Hearing defect detected in the Irregular Number. It must be their age. How unfortunate.”
“It’s certainly better than a brain defect. Oh, so sorry. I forgot you don’t have a brain. ”
The murderous hostility of the two girls bickering with Sora wedged between them was palpable.
This was typically enough to make Sora cower in fear, but with an even more intense expression than before, he was considering his options.
Hmmm. Jibril, my first girlfriend—no problems there. When I take a moment to think about it, Jibril, my self-proclaimed servant, could easily cross over into the realm of lover. Unlike Emir-Eins, who’d potentially force herself onto her master, Jibril would heed his every wish—she’s up for anything. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what’s going on here?! Yo, this actually feels great! I feel like I’m the main character of my life for once!! That isn’t to say a part of me doesn’t question why a pathetic virgin such as myself gets to pick which girl he dates. Nevertheless, we are at the discretion of the situation at hand! We have no choice but to go forward with this!!
Maaan, it’s hard being such a chick magnet!!
“W-wait! Isn’t there a different problem at hand?!” Steph yelled at Sora, who was swaying back and forth while daydreaming lustful thoughts.
“Negative: Woman of unknown name has rejected to show affection toward Master on multiple occasions. Therefore, you have no right to speak. Recommending a prompt retreat from Master. Shoo, shoo.”
“Or could it be that little Dora has finally accepted that she has feelings for our master? ”
“Wh-whaaat?! No, th-that’s not even remotely related to what I’m saying!!”
Hrmmm, but maybe Steph really is suited to be my first girlfriend. She’d be the best fit in a more traditional sense. She can cook and sew; she’s pretty well-rounded. And there’s something cozy and familiar about her, too. Plus, she’s definitely beautiful but not too beautiful. Average is best at the end of the day. No matter how much extravagant, delicious food you indulge in, no one wants to eat that all the time; you gotta go back to the basics.
Sora pondered over how reliable Steph was, how she really fit the girl-next-door heroine type. When she spoke again, his deluge of thoughts came to a stop.
“Only couples can leave—this means that no more than four of us can leave!!”
—…
Huh?
“There are five of us!! If we can only leave the room in sets of two, what will the one person left behind do?!”
“Is that not what we’re talking about, though? If Master and I become a couple, then you’re the natural option to be paired with Lord Shiro. The remaining person—that is the person we shall kill. It shouldn’t even be a matter of question at this point that the one most suitable for such a fate is the heap of scrap metal over there.”
—…
Wait! Is that what’s going on here?!
“Negative: Definition of couple unclear. Assuming at least one unit of the couple must harbor feelings for the other. This unit adores her master. Therefore, this unit has determined that her master and she should become a couple, starting immediately. As for Master’s little sister, she can command the Irregular Number to have feelings for her. Therefore, it is woman of unknown name who shall perish. You.”
“Feelings of love can be created easily through a game by the Covenants, so we can ignore the white noise coming from the scrap metal over there… But little Dora, are you insinuating that you and that thing you call a brain picked up on something before even our master did?”
“Inevitability: The question is who shall perish. That is why Master wept.”
“Sora… I-is that true?!”
“ ………”
Steph demanded an answer, but Sora was unable to provide one. He couldn’t possibly tell her that the thought never entered his mind. There were too many things flitting through his head at once to pick up on such details.
Wait, wait, wait—if that’s the case, then it changes everything. Think, Sora, virgin, age eighteen, think!!
The girls were right. According to the note, no more than four of them could leave.
And obviously…same-sex couples count!
Crap, this is bad. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap—craaap!!
In that case, Sora, the pathetic excuse for an eighteen-year-old virgin, knew exactly what was coming up next, right?
“I won’t let that happen! I refuse to even play with the idea of forsaking one of us five!” Steph shouted.
“Request: Alternate ways out of this room. If none exist, then this unit shall escape by becoming a couple with Sora. Therefore, it is more realistic to conceive a method to save the fifth member who will be left behind. Also known as woman of unknown name over there.”
“No need!! Just look at how troubled Sora is by all this!! He’s thinking up a way out for us as we speak, right, Sora?”
As unfortunate as it was to get Steph’s hopes up—that wasn’t what Sora was thinking about in that moment.
It was definitely something he would have to think about eventually. As soon as possible, at that.
But in that moment, Sora’s mind was plagued with a different set of thoughts, a matter that required his brain to work at full capacity.
He was trying to figure out where to lead this situation.
How he could amend his prediction that he’d leave this space with a girlfriend—in other words—
“…Everyone— Shut. Up.”
This was when Shiro, who had been wordlessly staring at the ground, finally spoke.
Silence fell when her command reached her friends’ ears.
This was followed by her swaying, with the expression comparable only to the grim reaper’s as she looked up.
It goes without saying that nobody there had any way of knowing what Shiro felt on the inside.
By that point, however, Shiro had quietly blown a fuse after being faced with the fact that she and her brother were not a couple.
Moreover, she watched as nobody suggested she and Sora pair up. It wasn’t even considered.
So she decided:
“…You guys…wanna play, a game…?”
She smiled, stifling her volcanic rage, and continued:
“…Loser, has to…destroy any feelings, they have for Brother…and instead hate him… After that…we can decide…who will become couples…”
In Shiro’s eyes, this was more important than her life—it was a game that wagered her love.
Ah, this is the perfect chance. I can get rid of you all here—one by one.
It was an opportunity to determine who the real heroine of the story was.
It was Shiro’s challenge to the other girls: a clear declaration of war— Nay…
…A declaration that she’d eradicate them…
Even though they didn’t know how she felt on the inside, the animosity that permeated from Shiro’s every pore was palpable. And sure enough…
“Engage: Attempting to steal away this unit’s love. The essence of an Ex Machina. Take care of threats. Elimination of all obstacles. Eradication of foes by all means necessary. That is what Ex Machina are. Fight to the death. This unit will not lose.”
“While the concept of love is still above this inept servant of yours—if you would, Lord Shiro, allow me to fight back; then I’ll play against you with every ounce of power in my body. If you’re willing to humor me with your grace, I’ll give it my all.”
The air around Jibril and Emir-Eins shimmered with their burning desire to fight.
“I—I don’t even have feelings to forfeit in the first place!!” Steph cried in desperation, but:
“Command: Give the orders for a game. This unit’s analysis—woman of unknown name is the largest potential threat. This unit shall take this opportunity to remove any and all obstructions from her love. Not a single one of you will escape. Now playing term*natortheme.mp3.”
“If you have nothing to lose, little Dora, then what’s the problem? ”
“…Steph…let’s put an end…to this BS…’kay…?”
The chief minister was surrounded by three women who had no intention of letting any of the others leave this room with their emotions intact.
“S-Sora?! C-could you please stop these girls?!”
They closed in on Steph: Emir-Eins with a scowl, Jibril with a smile, and Shiro with a cold grin.
Steph called out for help as the situation grew direr and direr— However…
SLAM!!
…she was answered with a loud slam that instantaneously silenced the room.
“…The hell are you guys doing? Look at you… You need to get more serious about this.”
After slamming his fist against the door with enough force to smash his own hand, all eyes were on Sora, who continued yelling at the four ladies.
“You know I’d never agree to a game that could only be solved this way!! Right?!”
That’s right—there was no way he’d ever allow it.
The fact that they were in this room meant that he gave his consent at some point—but regardless:
There was no way he would ever let a situation like this happen!
The reason being that there was just one conceivable outcome for how this game would end. And that was:
The birth of two girl-on-girl couples, with Sora left in the dust!!
“Let us outta here!! I don’t know how you did it, but you frickin’ set us up!!”
“S-Sora! That means…!”
“There’s no way I’d ever agree to a game like this! Two pairs out of five people?! Why would I ever let something as terrible as this slide?! There’s gotta be other rules involved, so tell us them already!!”
He passionately petitioned the game’s host—who should have been around there somewhere—as his soul called out for the truth.
It was like that one bad experience he had back in elementary school: All right, class, get into pairs of two.
The hatred in Sora’s voice snapped the ladies out of their fervor and back to reality.
“…Master is right. The thought of a sacrifice is always outside the realm of Master’s planning…”
“Penitence: Win thoroughly, without a single victim. That is who our master is. This unit is truly ashamed.”
“……Is it just me, or…does it seem like Sora wasn’t aware of the situation until now?”
I knew what was going on 0.001 seconds into this!!!!
“………………Brother…you dumbass.”
“D-dammiiiiiiiit…!!”
Only one of the girls was able to predict the inner conflict Sora had just undergone. Shiro shot her older brother an icy stare.
Sora hit the door so hard, though, that he was now on the floor crying out in pain—however.
The door that wasn’t supposed to open for anyone but couples…had suddenly opened up, leaving the rest of the group flabbergasted.
They couldn’t open this door no matter how hard they hit it, and yet—it all made sense now.
It was a sliding door.
Sora went up to the door and gave it a good tug to one side, which sent it flying open. The momentum pulled Sora through and had him fall over onto the ground.
“You mean to tell me it was that simple?! Not one of you tried…sliding…it—?”
Sora looked up and lashed out angrily, but the words quickly petered out.
“Sora?! Are you all right—? Oh…”
“Master, are you hurt—?!”
The girls followed Sora out the door, only to gasp at what they saw.
The sight that played out before them left them similarly speechless.
They were in a small garden.
It was a field of colorful flowers. Petals fell through the air around them. The edges of the garden were lined by walls made from rosebushes, and beyond those walls was a forest full of leafless trees.
Cute flower buds from springtime, healthy summer leaves, autumnal flowers in full bloom, and hardy bulbs from winter…
A collage of nature’s beauty—something only the most outstanding of artists was capable of creating—this garden was almost unnaturally canvas-like.
The gate to this garden, which was woven from flowers, was adorned with a gorgeous plaque that bore the same words from earlier:
A SPACE THAT ONLY COUPLES CAN LEAVE
A space, the note said…
There was nothing that suggested the room where Sora and the others started was necessarily that space…
However, what left the group speechless wasn’t their simple mistake nor the scenery.
They were shocked at what floated through the middle of the garden, perched on top of a remarkably large flower.
It was a young girl—and on her back were a pair of wings that seemed to be woven from rainbows.
Although, actually…she wasn’t necessarily young.
More like short. No taller than a toddler.
Regardless—with lime-colored eyes and lemon-colored pigtails decorated with a flower, the small figure gazed vacantly into space. Long, slender arms and legs, a subtle bust, and a thin physique; she appeared to be a young girl on the cusp of maturity, with the slightest hint of seductive charm about her.
So yeah. It was more like she was just…small.
She was mystical, like a beautiful doll brought to life.
This magical little girl was far too small to be a human. She was more like—
“ A Fairy?! B-but that would put us inside a spatial phase boundary: Spratul!!”
“Emergency: Confirmed presence of a dangerous third-party race. Requesting immediate formation of a battle plan by Master. Yikes.”
Jibril and Emir-Eins squared up from behind Sora and got ready to attack.
The Flügel and the Ex Machina: the two most powerful races with borderline cheat-code levels of strength. And two of their members had instinctively prepared for battle. In retrospect, Sora should’ve taken this a bit more seriously. As incredibly unfortunate as it was, this pathetic eighteen-year-old virgin was in no shape to be thinking that clearly.
A Fairy, you say…
This was a potential solution—for the outcome Sora would never yield to.
The appearance of a sixth person meant this game could be cleared!!
It was abundantly clear that the girl was a Fairy. She must have been the challenger they were up against!
Chances were that she was not only the culprit who sealed them away but a new character—or, putting it differently, she was the tiny heroine charged with the unfortunate task of pairing up with the group’s fifth wheel (Sora)!!
Still, Sora couldn’t shake the feeling that the size difference might be a bit much for his first girlfriend…
He was, however, a virgin—and in no place to be picky about minor details. It should be fine!
Hey baby, how ya doing? You must be my partner. I won’t take no for an answer!!
Sora toyed with such inane come-ons, yet his expression was the height of seriousness.
Even if it was only temporary, he was going to get a girlfriend. Seeing as this was their first time meeting, there was no way the Fairy had any inkling of what kind of person Sora was. All he had to do was nail the first impression; it was the foothold he needed to bring this relationship to fruition!
Sora’s eyes were brimming with passion. He wasn’t going to let this chance slip through his fingers.
Jibril and Emir-Eins remained vigilant; the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
The Fairy, however, paid no mind to any of the five visitors as she danced whimsically through the air.
Yes—she was dancing.
Her arms extended outward, she caressed the air as she danced atop her stage, the flower petals. With every step she took, a cascade of bubbles spouted from the flower bud.
This wasn’t some sort of show she was putting on for them. Carried by the wind, the bubbles floated throughout the garden, and every time one popped, something new took its place: a flower, a tree, a stone, a spring, all painted in heavenly colors.
Though they didn’t quite grasp why this was happening, Sora, Shiro, and even Steph had an idea of what it was.
Fairy magic.
The Fairy was dancing her way through the field, adding on to her small garden wherever she went.
Before long, the Fairy ceased her frolicking, perhaps deciding it was time for a break.
She elegantly chose a flower to sit on, letting out a small sigh while rolling her shoulders back.
It was a cute little sigh, sure to capture the hearts of all whose ears happened upon it. Coming off the cusp of her sigh, she spoke her first words.
They were:
“Gawd, this blows… Why do I gotta be the one to deal with this dumb garden, anyway? Ugh, this sucks balls.”
She squatted down on the flower in the most indecent posture imaginable…as those dreamy words left her lips.
,
Jesus Christmas. Sora’s first (to-be) girlfriend sounded like a punk.
The small Fairy—the epitome of adorable—glared into the distance, looking downright pissed off.
Sora and crew watched, stunned, as the tiny Fairy nonchalantly pulled out a match and cigarette from her skirt pocket and began smoking; her quick motions in doing so suggested it was most definitely a force of habit.
She flicked the ash off her cigarette and onto the ground.
“Aaaah, that hits the spot… Oh? Ohhhh… You guys’re awake already? That was fast. Uh, yeah. Just wait there a bit longer for me, okay? I still gotta set up the game and stuff, so yeah, just chill out over there for a bit.”
She opened her mouth wide and exhaled a large puff of smoke before continuing:
“Criminy… Where do they get off thinkin’ I can prepare this entire space all by my lonesome—? Oh, shit!! The ashes—they got on my skirt! It’s gonna burn! It’s burning! Somebody get me some water!!”
With a loud yell, she flicked her half-smoked cigarette off in the distance and flew around in a panic.
After a brief stint of running around like a chicken with its head cut off, she eventually realized she could put out the flames with magic and quickly began dancing again.
…Well, this is…kind of a letdown…
“…Jibril, uh…is that a Fairy…?”
“Yes, Master. She is without a doubt one of the ninth-ranked Ixseed—a Fairy.”
The ninth-ranked Ixseed: the Fairies…
Sora and Shiro knew the bare minimum about the race: that most of the Fairies were in Elven Gard, living as slaves under the Elves.
According to Chlammy’s memories, they replenished the nation’s magic, the details of which were a national secret.
But anyway, forget about all that.
“…Fairy, my ass… She sounds like an old bartender…”
Sora couldn’t hold back his shock. Fairies were completely different from what he’d imagined.
Just moments before, she was literally frolicking through a field of flowers; but the panicked little dance she did to put out the flames made her look more like a veteran stripper giving her last lap dance. She came off like an old lady past her prime, one who’d been around the block a few times only to wake up on the rougher side of middle age.
Look, she’s dancing with a cig in her mouth. Not to mention all the exasperated sighing.
And she keeps taking a drink out of something… Is that alcohol?
You’ve gotta be kidding me… My first girlfriend’s gonna be a chain-smoking MILF who reeks of booze?
I mean, I did recognize earlier that I wasn’t in the position to beg or choose, but I don’t think I can stomach…that.
I don’t even think I could see us together in my dreams…
“…Master, my apologies. I’m not quite sure what I could do… What are your orders?”
“Caution: Zero examples found of Fairies losing in battle while in Spratul. Unable to calculate a plausible course of action.”
Sora’s grief was cut short by his two on-edge friends.
“…? Ummm…are Fairies really that strong?”
The two women nodded at Sora, who wished to know why they were being so antsy.
“Yes. During the Great War, they were ranked in the top seven Ixseed and managed to wipe out Flügel in the double digits.”
“Record: The Alt-Ortcluster, four hundred thirty-seven units strong, once launched an attack within Spratul—not a single unit returned. They were decimated.”
Whoa, whoa. Is this a joke or what?
No, wait. The Great War is over. Things won’t get that bad—well, they shouldn’t.
But just looking at the expressions on Jibril’s and Emir-Eins’s faces was enough to make Sora, Shiro, and Steph gulp.
That Fairy—she said she was getting a game ready for them.
Was it okay to let her continue? Should they try to do something before she finished?
But still—what would they do? There was nothing Sora could—
“There we go!! Just in the nick of time! Right, now let’s get started… Ahem… Testing, testing… Aaand we’re off!”
The Fairy girl shouted out, stopping Sora and company midthought.
She hastily put out her cigarette and cleared her throat before checking her voice, and then:
“—Whoa?! The heck?!”
In the next instant, Sora and the others found themselves trapped inside bubbles.
The five of them were thoroughly ignored—and without further ado, everything started.
“Heeey! What’s up, my wee li’l subscribers; it’s Foeniculum comin’ atcha! ”
The Fairy had done a complete one-eighty.
She was acting more like how one would expect her to going off just her looks.
Suddenly, background music started playing. The Fairy whose name was evidently Foeniculum began speaking to an audience—but that audience wasn’t Sora and the girls.
She was speaking to a flat square of light.
“I have the most fantastic video planned out for our channel today, just like I promised— HEY!! Whaddaya think you’re doing, downvoting me like that, you li’l shits?! I’ll come knock the crap outta ya! We literally just started the stream, for gawd’s sake! …Aw, I’m just joking. I wouldn’t want you guys to unsubscribe! There’s only one li’l shit in this world, and thaaaat’s me! Mwah! ”
Five seconds into the video, and the mask had already slipped. Sora watched, unfamiliar with Fairies or their magic.
Be that as it may, what the hell is this?
The moment he questioned the scene, the Fairy gave him his answer:
“Really and truly! We have a super-cool, super-fun video in store for you guys!! And here’s what we’re calling it!!”
That’s right: The square of light—her screen—showed an image.
It could only be described as a livestream. One run by a bottom-tier streamer, none other than…
“Channel Foeniculum presents: an original special event!! Streaming live, in real time, an authentic love documentary—it’s the Space That Only Couples Can Leave or They’re Stuck Here Forever shoooooow! ”
Obnoxiously loud firecrackers went off, accompanied by a cheap trumpet sound effect.
“Now—let’s get started by explaining this episode for our viewers.”
“Wait a second! Should you explain it to us first?!”
Sora barked out a complaint from his bubble, but it seemed his words wouldn’t reach Foeniculum.
Regardless, she continued to ignore the group as she explained the goal of her show.
“This is Spratul, the space I created, and it’s where I’ll be trapping this group of five men and women! They’ll be living here together for an unlimited and indefinite amount of time, to fight in a battle of loooove!!”
It was apparent that Sora and the others were correct in their assessment. This left them each with the same question in their minds.
“There are two ways for them to escape!”
Exactly—they wanted to know the way out.
Hearing that there was a second possible way out had the group’s attention.
“The first is for a pair of guests to declare themselves a couple. Then all they have to do is hold hands and pass through the gate!”
That was the method they all expected. Evidently, the gate in the back of the garden was an exit.
“The other method requires a key that can be purchased. This key allows for our guests to leave even if they’re alone!”
A key…?
The five furrowed their collective brow at this new information. Nevertheless, the Fairy continued to ignore them.
“Yeah, yeah. I can already hear you guys saying, That’s all you got? and What do you expect? It’s Foeniculum. Well, keep talkin’ because you’ll be eating your words later! Just be sure not to lose your jaw when it drops to the floor!! And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for—they’ll shock you, they’ll leave you in awe! Please allow me to introduce our five guests!!”
The next moment, Sora and the girls found themselves unwittingly striking poses as the Fairy introduced them:
“That’s all five members! They’re the hottest singles in town over in Disboard, and we’re gonna watch them duke it out for love!! Whaddaya think of that lineup?! Don’t worry, I’ll give you a moment to reattach your mandibles!”
…Perhaps her viewers’ jaws were literally dropping.
It felt like Sora and crew were a part of a low-budget dating sim—like they were part of the title sequence for one.
They each had their own theme songs and dumb catchphrases.
Foeniculum, however, showed no sign of even acknowledging the five. She continued, her spunky attitude unabated.
“You don’t need me to tell you that this space lacks both food and water!! Provisions for our five guests will be paid for by tips from our viewers—with the exception of the Flügel and the Ex Machina, the other three won’t last longer than three days without water! You wouldn’t want your favorite member to die now, would you?! Who could live with that?! So you better send in your money if you want ’em to survive! ”
She was simultaneously begging and threatening her viewers for money like some desperate Sn*pchat influencer.
“Now then!! That brings us to the end of our launch for today! ”
And finally:
“The stream will start at eight PM every night! Share it with your friends!! But don’t send them clips!! Link them to our page!! I’ll see ya tomorrow! Bye-byyye! ”
She finished the stream without giving Sora and the others a chance to speak.
The so-called launch video came to an end.
The bubbles the group was trapped in popped.
But they were left even more speechless with what followed. The five of them watched in silence as:
“Heh-heh-heh… Look at all these new viewers! I knew having guests on would be the quickest way to get the cash rolling in! Ha-ha!! All those losers in the comments can suck it!! LMFAOOOO!!”
Barely a moment later, Foeniculum already had her next cigarette in hand and was doubled over, cackling.
Speechless as he was, Sora nonetheless had an inkling that her stream might still be live, prompting him to quietly alert her:
“…Are you sure…the mic and camera are off?”
“Kyaaaan! Thanks again, everybody, as always! ”
Foeniculum chucked her cigarette to the side with supersonic speed as she addressed her viewers.
Then, after properly checking to make sure the camera was indeed off this time:
“…Holy shit… They’re totally dragging me in the comments… Still, I guess some drama oughtta bring more attention to the stream.”
She pretended to brush it off, despite the visible sheen of cold sweat on her face. Sora rubbed his temples and asked:
“Uh… How about we go over the rules again, then… So what are we doing?”
“Hmm? Did you not watch the video I just made?” Foeniculum wondered whether she’d forgotten to explain something, then went on. “Use your…what were they called again? Smartphones? Tablets? Whatever they are, you can use those devices to check how many tips you’ve received.”
Sora and Shiro followed her directions and took out their smart devices.
And there it was: a new icon they’d never seen before.
They tapped the icon and saw a number: 15,000.
“Looks like you already have a patron! You can use that money to buy goods. Either you become a couple with one of your fellow guests, or you save up enough money to buy a key. That pretty much sums it up.”
Sounds easy, right?
Sora took a deep breath and replied:
“……Right. There’s just one more important detail I’d like to confirm.”
It was a simple game indeed, but there was still an overarching problem. Depending on the answer to his question, the game would be either heaven or hell.
And his question was:
“There are five of us—so I wanna ask you: Is it possible for one of us to pair up with you?”
“The heck kinda question is that? Hell no. You stupid or something?”
Sora was quite serious, but Foeniculum scoffed at him.
“I’m the host, duh. It’s your job to make me a popular streamer! I need you to make my viewers happy by falling in love on the show so we can reap all the tips!! I’m seriously hoping you kids’ll knock this outta the park, y’know. This’ll kick up my channel to the top in no time! Anyway, there’s a lot I gotta do, so I’ll be off! Toodles!!”
The Fairy rattled off a brief spiel before disappearing with a little poof.
………,
The group stood there in awe for a good five minutes.
And then—Sora looked at the ever-precarious situation before turning his gaze up to the heavens with a smile.
Ah… So this game will end with two couples—and a single person buying their way out with a key.
That removed the need to leave someone behind—something Sora would’ve never agreed to anyway.
But there was still an issue:
“…Okay… Let’s get, back to…what we were…talking about…”
“Affirmative: We’ll be playing for Master’s love. I challenge you all. Come at me.”
“It’s an incredible honor to challenge Lord Shiro to an actual match—now, let’s get started.”
“What?! So it all comes back to this?! I’m pretty sure there are other ways to approach the situation at hand!!”
The girls went back to seeing each other as enemies.
The game that would result in Sora’s friends hating him forever was about to start.
He watched as the tension ratcheted up before… That’s right:
“NOOO!! I’m just gonna end up alone again like always!!! Somebody get me outta here!”
It was just as he expected:
Two girl-on-girl couples would form.
And Sora would leave alone.
Knowing this was how the game would end, a sobbing Sora cried out in grief…
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