Chapter 10 - The Angel's Metamorphosis
Mahiru was acting strange the following day as well.
To be more precise, she didn’t appear as dejected as she had the day before, nor did she look especially sad. But she was very stiff and seemed wary in a way that was difficult to describe.
Even though he was just sitting beside Mahiru on the living room sofa, Amane felt like she was surrounded by an air of crackling tension. When he tried to so much as glance at her, she practically jumped, squeezing her favorite cushion tight. However, Amane could also tell by looking at the reflection in his smartphone screen that whenever he looked away from her, she stared directly at him.
He wondered why she was acting this way—and soon came to the conclusion that it must be because of what had happened the day before.
…She must still feel pretty awkward.
Yesterday, the two of them had embraced—and even though he had been doing it to console her, he was worried that it was going to cause problems for their relationship. Clinging to him may have been a momentary impulse, and there was a chance she regretted it now that she had come back to her senses.
Recently, they’d had a lot of close, physical contact, but this was the first time she had pressed herself against him so boldly. It was inevitable that she would feel a little rattled afterward.
Though it doesn’t seem like she hates me for it or anything.
If she did, he reasoned, she wouldn’t be here, in his apartment, sitting next to him.
But whenever he reached out toward her, she pulled away from him.
“…Should I just give you some space?”
“N-no, that’s not it.”
He had figured it would be best to keep his distance for a while until she had calmed down, and had suggested as much, but Mahiru hurriedly shook her head.
“Th-this is, well… I’m just ashamed because you saw me in such a pathetic state. I cried so hard…”
“Ah… I see…”
Apparently, she was embarrassed by all the tears. He recalled that after her sobs had subsided the other night, she’d chilled the area around her eyes with ice, so it wouldn’t swell up. But nothing she did could change the fact that Amane had seen her in that vulnerable state, which seemed to really upset her.
“Well, it didn’t really bother me, so—”
“But it bothers me. It was the biggest mistake of my life to let you see me like that.”
“That’s going a little far… Look, if you bottle all those things up, it’s obvious that eventually you’re going to explode, dummy.”
It seemed like Mahiru was about to put on one of her characteristic shows of courage, so Amane sighed, and before she could stop him, he reached out and pinched her cheek. Her skin was soft and supple between his fingers.
Mahiru looked confused and nervous. She stared hard at Amane. “Hey, what are you doing?”
“If you don’t let your feelings out, you’re going to crack at some point. It’s okay to let other people support you, really. If I’m acceptable, then you can depend on me. If you want to cry, I’ll cover you up anytime and pretend I can’t see you. You need to learn to let other people take care of you a little.”
Yesterday, she had let some of what she had pent up come bursting out, but it seemed like there was a lot more where that came from. Criticizing Mahiru for her reluctance, he pinched her cheek hard as admonishment.
If she was to say that Amane was unreliable and that she couldn’t depend on him, he would resign himself to that assessment and accept his dismissal. But as long as that wasn’t the case, he wanted her to rely on him more and give him a chance to take care of her sometimes. He wanted to be there for her, especially when she had nobody else.
“Yesterday, you nodded like you understood, so why are you backtracking on that now? You can depend on me. You are not alone.”
“…Not alone…” Mahiru nodded as she considered his words. She looked positively dumbfounded by the notion that she did not have to endure everything by herself.
Amane ruffled her hair. “I’m always in your corner. If you call them, Chitose and Itsuki will show up, too, as will my parents. That’s how many people care about you—about the real Mahiru.”
Mahiru had lamented the fact that no one wanted her. But that was in the past. Things were different now. There were so many people who cherished Mahiru and wanted to help her. She had to know how much she meant to everyone.
Mahiru was silent for a little while as she considered what Amane had said. Then, timidly, she looked up at him, with eyes that were searching for reassurance.
“…And you?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you also care about me…?”
Amane’s breath caught in his throat for a moment, then he scratched his cheek. “I mean…if we’re sitting here together like this, that must mean I care about you quite a lot.”
Amane knew he could be pretty aloof. He just wasn’t interested in spending a lot of energy on a relationship with somebody unless they were really important to him. But when he did care about someone, he was always willing to go to whatever lengths were necessary to help them.
And he had cared about Mahiru for a long time now.
He wanted to take some of the painful burden off of her delicate shoulders. He wanted her to smile peacefully. He wanted her to be happy—he wanted to make her happy.
“…Really…?”
Mahiru mumbled, burying her face in the cushion. Amane figured it must be pretty embarrassing to hear all that out loud. On the other hand, he was the one who’d had to say all that out loud, so if anyone was going to be embarrassed, it was him.
…Though I’m sure that Mahiru won’t take it the wrong way.
He was really worried she might think he was trying to take advantage of her vulnerability. Obviously, if that’s what she thought, their time together would quickly end.
Fortunately, Mahiru didn’t seem to have noticed Amane’s anxiety.
She slowly lifted her face out of the cushion and glanced up at him.
“…Amane?”
“What’s up?”
“W-would you, um, turn and face the other way?”
“Huh? Why?”
“D-don’t worry about why…”
He was confused as to why she was suddenly asking him to turn around, but he obediently turned his back to Mahiru.
He was waiting anxiously, sitting cross-legged on the sofa, when he felt something soft and warm press against his back. That was enough of a surprise to make Amane go completely stiff, and when her slender arms wrapped around his chest, he was practically petrified.
Mahiru was obviously hugging him from behind. At the moment, Amane was grateful that she wasn’t doing it from the front.
“…Uh, Ma-Mahiru…?” Amane stammered, feeling his heart pounding in his chest.
She stirred slightly, still clinging to his back. “…So about yesterday…thank you very much. I wanted to tell you again how grateful I am.”
Maybe that was why she was holding on to him this way. It was easier for her to thank him if he wasn’t looking right at her.
“O-okay…”
“…You’ve given me so, so much, Amane.”
“B-but I really didn’t do anything special…”
“You may think it’s not important, but it’s a big deal to me. So again, thank you.”
“…Sure.”
“I’m so glad to have you by my side. I’m not sure how well I could deal with everything if I had to face it alone.”
“…Oh?”
This was probably Mahiru’s way of showing him that she cared.
Amane was happy that Mahiru felt like she could lean on him. He put his hands over hers, wanting to let her know that he had no intention of leaving her alone. When he did, her whole body suddenly shuddered.
Realizing that he had probably gotten too carried away again, Amane pulled his hand away in a panic, but Mahiru explained in a voice that was muffled because her face was slightly buried in his back. “I-it’s okay; I was just surprised…” One of her hands roamed around, trying to find Amane’s again.
Feeling relieved, Amane grasped Mahiru’s hand, and this time she squeezed him back. Amane shivered in surprise, and when he did, he felt Mahiru’s head press against his back.
“…Weren’t you going to be the one holding me?”
“I-if you’re okay with that…”
“You’re the only person I would ever do something like this with, Amane,” she said sweetly. “The only one.”
Amane stiffened again. He felt Mahiru trying to bury her face in his back. She must have been pretty embarrassed after her sudden confession. Even so, Mahiru didn’t let him go, and he felt like she must trust him a great deal, and that made him so self-conscious he wanted to tear his own heart out. In fact, Amane was sure he was even more embarrassed than Mahiru was.
Eventually, Mahiru seemed to calm down, and once again she squeezed Amane’s hand tightly.
“…A-anyway, like you promised…please see me for who I really am. Never take your eyes off me.”
“S-sure. But I…uh…can’t really see you right now…”
“Well, if you looked at me now, I’d get mad.”
“O-oh, of course… Well, I definitely cannot see you when we sit like this, so…I guess you can relax.”
He knew she was probably trying to hide her embarrassment, so he obediently followed her instructions. More importantly, trying to take a peek would just upset her.
Besides, Amane thought, covering his face with his free hand, it’s better if she doesn’t see me right now, either. He let out a quiet sigh.
…At this point, it would be weirder if I didn’t fall for her.
“The new semester is starting soon, huh?”
It was several days after Mahiru’s tearful revelation. She seemed totally back to normal—she wasn’t acting tense or stealing awkward glances at him or anything. And when she looked up from the textbook she was reading and muttered to Amane, it was like she had just remembered what day it was.
Since their talk, the two of them had gotten even closer. Maybe it was because they were reading from the same book, but there were probably currently only two or three hands’ worth of open space between them. They were close enough that Amane could feel Mahiru’s warmth and smell the sweet scent coming off her. From time to time, something soft would bump into him.
Amane was only just barely holding it together.
“G-guess it does, y-yeah. Once this weekend is over, it’ll be a whole new semester. Kind of depressing that there’ll be a class change.”
“In what way…?”
“I’m not good at making friends, so once Itsuki’s gone, I won’t have anyone to hang out with.”
Mahiru looked surprised. “How can you be so sure of that…?”
“Don’t get me wrong, I can carry on a normal conversation as good as the next guy. But I never get past being acquaintances, that’s all.”
Amane sort of knew how to talk to people all right, but that wasn’t the same as making friends. He just felt like his personality didn’t have much to offer, and he certainly wasn’t particularly charming, so he’d usually had trouble making friends. He had always been more of a background character anyway.
But he was the type of person who was just fine on his own, and if he was separated from Itsuki, that was just the way things went and couldn’t be helped. He would simply spend the year on his own.
“…You don’t ever take the first step forward, do you, Amane?”
“Uh—”
“You’re a good person. I think it’s a shame that you don’t know anyone outside of Itsuki and Chitose. People would like you if they just got to know you a little, so you should really dial back the whole aloof and indifferent act. There’s no reason to keep everyone at arm’s length all the time. It’s a waste of potential.” She reached over and brushed his bangs out of his eyes.
Amane felt intensely embarrassed and tried to looked anywhere else instead of at Mahiru.
“…I don’t really want to get to know a lot of people, is the thing. I think I’m good with being close to a very limited number of people.”
“Why do you feel that way?”
“Why…?”
That seemed obvious to him.
—I’m afraid of being betrayed. Like I was in the past.
Amane thought it was best to only get close to people he was absolutely sure he could trust. That was how he had come to his current social standing.
“…Well, I don’t really need anyone else. As long as I’ve got you, I’m good.”
“…Huh?”
“W-wait, that’s not what I meant! I was thinking more like, I’m happy as long as I’ve got my close friends, including Itsuki and Chitose, too. I don’t want a lot of excitement in my life,” Amane explained at light speed. He didn’t want her to get the wrong impression…even if that impression would have been more accurate than he wanted to admit.
Mahiru was looking at him with an expression of mixed relief and absolute bewilderment. Her cheeks were turning red. Apparently, she had gotten the wrong impression after all.
“…So you also depend on me, Amane?”
“You’re, like, the only thing holding me up, in more ways than one.”
“When you say it that way, it sounds like I’m quite important in your life, you know.”
She said it like she was criticizing him, but her tone of voice was gentle. She looked at him with a gaze that said What a hopeless guy.
Amane was grappling with some very complicated feelings, so he scratched his cheek and tried to change the subject. “Well anyway, how are you feeling about the new classes? Are you looking forward to the change?”
Mahiru blinked several times, then relaxed into a smile. “I am looking forward to the class changes.”
“Well, I guess you’ll survive no matter which class you end up in, huh?”
“That’s true, but I’d rather do more than survive. Wouldn’t you?”
“I guess you’re right.”
Getting along with people on a superficial level didn’t mean that Mahiru would actually be happy. But she was the kind of person who had to maintain a perfect facade no matter how exhausting that could be.
On the other hand, there was a chance that Mahiru and Chitose would be in the same class. That would give Mahiru the chance to spend more time with a friend who had seen her true nature. It seemed like the best outcome.
“Amane, do you know why I’m looking forward to the class changes?”
Amane was startled to see Mahiru wearing a slightly impish smile, and he put a hand to his mouth as he pondered the question.
“…Because there’s a chance you’ll be in the same class with Chitose?”
“Okay, well there’s that, too…but it’s not the right answer, you dummy,” she teased.
Amane knew she wasn’t trying to insult him, but he could hear a slightly peevish tone in her words, so he decided he’d better humor her for the time being. He stroked her hair, careful not to mess it up. “That’s me, a big dummy,” he said ruefully.
“…You’re awfully sly, Amane.”
“Wh-what do you mean?”
“It’s okay; you don’t have to understand. Just…please don’t forget about me once the new semester starts, all right?”
Suddenly, Mahiru shifted, leaning against him with all her weight. He struggled to keep his heart from leaping out of his chest at her.
…What are you trying to do, Mahiru?
It sounded almost like Mahiru was planning something. Amane suddenly had a bad feeling about the next week’s opening ceremony. He’d been hoping that the coming semester would be a peaceful one.
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