Childhood Anxieties, and Reassurance in the Present
Lately, Mahiru had been spending basically every weekend at Amane’s place.
She gave a very characteristic explanation that she was concerned about his unhealthy lifestyle. But the truth was that she actually just wanted to be with the person she liked.
Of course, it was important to both her and Amane to have their alone time, and she understood that she needed to use some restraint, so she never barged in uninvited. She secretly, but attentively, observed and checked his reactions to make sure that Amane wasn’t bothered or annoyed by her presence whenever they were together.
Happily, Amane never chided her for being in his home. He welcomed her in as if it was the most natural thing, and he actually smiled when he saw her. Sometimes, she worried she might be getting the wrong ideas.
How simpleminded do I have to be to get this happy just from paying him a visit? Mahiru laughed at herself a little, and sure enough, her expression softened as she did.
She slapped her cheeks lightly to gather herself and compose her face.
Then, using her spare key, Mahiru entered Amane’s apartment.
She stepped into the entryway but didn’t hear a sound.
Her first thought was that he might be napping in his room, but then she saw that the sneakers Amane usually wore were missing. It took her another moment to realize he had gone out.
If she had to say, she would have described Amane as a homebody, so it was unusual for him to go out at that hour. She was half-surprised and half-worried and unsure what to do next.
…I wonder if it’s all right for me to relax here without asking. I’d be the only one here, too…
She did have a spare key, and she had gotten permission to come and go as she pleased, but she still wasn’t sure about staying and making herself at home when Amane wasn’t there.
“You’re welcome to go on in, even if I’m not home. It’s not like you would do anything bad, Mahiru.”
“I wouldn’t, but are you sure you approve of me going into your private space on my own?”
“You want to go in my bedroom?”
“No, that’s not what I mean, but…you’re not worried that I might go in, that I might see something?”
“Even if you did go in, there’s nothing in there, so I’m not worried about it. But I don’t think you’re the type to go snooping in my bedroom, so feel free to relax in the living room whenever you want.”
Even though they had already talked about it beforehand, it was still another person’s home, and she was a little—more than a little—hesitant.
They usually contacted each other if they were going to be out late, so based on the fact that he hadn’t gotten in touch, she didn’t think that Amane would be gone for very long.
There shouldn’t be anything wrong with just waiting inside for a little while.
Feeling guilty that she might be doing something she wasn’t supposed to, Mahiru timidly removed her shoes and stepped into the living room. The place felt very still and quiet with no one at home.
The familiar smell of Amane’s apartment was comforting, but the space also seemed somewhat dreary and lacking something, because the person she liked was not there.
She plopped down on the sofa as she always did and leaned against the back.
Normally, when she sat on the sofa, she had Amane beside her. Once they had both finished all their chores, when they were relaxing, they sat on the sofa like this and had leisurely conversations or quietly spent time together.
Now Amane was not there. His body heat, which was warmer than Mahiru’s; his subtle, fresh scent; his calm voice that wasn’t too deep and was easy to listen to; his body, which had become slim but sturdy and didn’t yield even when she leaned against him—all these things were missing.
Once it really sank in, Mahiru felt lonely.
“…I hope he comes back soon.”
She laughed a little at the words that escaped her lips—even though she was the one who’d said them, they sounded terribly lonely.
Even though it had been her choice to enter and wait for him, part of her wanted to control Amane’s time and felt incredibly alone when he wasn’t around, even though she was accustomed to being on her own. It was equal parts ridiculous and pitiful.
She sighed at her own selfishness and let herself sink further into the sofa.
Mahiru was used to waiting. She had only been alive for a short sixteen years, but she had spent most of that time waiting for something. For many years, she had waited, before finally giving up.
This was different. She was waiting for someone she knew was coming back.
Even though she knew that, when she recalled the events of the past, she felt an awful tightness deep in her chest.
…Sitting here like this reminds me of waiting so long for my parents.
She had locked away the bad memories in the depths of her heart, holding them at arm’s length, but now they reared their heads again.
The memory of waiting alone for her parents, never knowing if they were coming back, filled her mind with a vengeance.
For almost as long as she could remember, there had never been anyone in Mahiru’s house.
Her family had rented out one whole floor of an apartment building, which was more than enough space. It was a pleasant enough place to live, with all the furnishings and modern conveniences anyone could hope for.
Mahiru had lived alone in that home.
To put it more accurately, her family wasn’t there. Only Miss Koyuki, her housekeeper and governess, but even she came and went. Mahiru’s real family, who should have been there, had vacated the house.
Her parents were busy with work and rarely ever came home, as if they wanted nothing to do with Mahiru at all.
But it wouldn’t have been socially acceptable for them to abandon her, so they spared no expense to pay for Miss Koyuki’s labor and Mahiru’s education, providing for their daughter at the same time they abandoned her.
She became aware of that abandonment and realized that her situation was abnormal after several years in elementary school. That was when she recognized that she was the victim of child neglect. She also later realized that her mother had a lover.
She realized it precisely because she was cleverer than other children and because she wanted to be loved by her parents more badly than other children. Even though that realization marked the end of her innocent childhood.
“Mother?”
One day, when Mahiru was about halfway through elementary school, she was delighted by one of her mother’s rare appearances at home.
Overjoyed at seeing her normally absent mother, Mahiru rushed over to her and spoke to her with a smile, but her mother didn’t answer. It was as if Mahiru didn’t even exist. Her mother did not so much as look at her or even turn to face her. She was holding some sort of document in her hands.
Mahiru determined that her mother had come home for some reason connected to her job and knew that she mustn’t get in her way. But still, Mahiru was happy to see her after so long, and she did not pay close attention to her mother’s demeanor before talking to her.
“Um, while you were away, Mother, I worked very hard. I worked hard on my tests, and my sports, and I got lots of first places!”
As she reported that she had made great efforts at her studies and athletics while her parents were away, Mahiru grabbed the hem of her mother’s clothes with a smile…then her mother finally turned toward her.
It was the first time she had ever faced her mother directly.
Before then, she had seen her mother from a distance, or from behind, but that was the first time her mother had been so close and so clearly looking at her.
Mahiru had heard from Miss Koyuki that her mother’s face did not really resemble hers, and sure enough, the woman before her was beautiful, but there was an unapproachable strength to her. If anything, Mahiru had gentle features that resembled her father. Her mother was the exact opposite of Mahiru. She was sharp and severe in every which way.
The woman reflected in Mahiru’s eyes looked down at her own daughter with a cold, unfeeling gaze and shook her off.
The movement wasn’t that violent, since she was dealing with a child, but the rejection was clear. Mahiru lost her balance and fell on her backside.
She looked up, overcome with surprise, but there wasn’t the slightest bit of warmth or concern in the woman’s gaze.
Just when she thought she had finally gotten her mother to acknowledge her existence, her mother looked at her as if she were a pebble by the side of the road, and that was when Mahiru finally understood. She unfortunately realized.
—I’m not wanted.
The nausea rising gradually inside her and the horrible pounding of her heart stopped her from having any further thoughts.
But once that idea fully coalesced, it led the way to answers about all her parents’ actions to date, in rapid succession.
Why was she so neglected?
Why didn’t her parents ever come home?
Why did her mother reject even her touch?
…I am not loved, and I am not wanted.
Her mother’s gaze as she watched Mahiru realize all these things was all the confirmation she needed.
…As far as Mother is concerned, I’m not needed.
Mahiru had put Miss Koyuki on the spot many times, asking her why things were the way they were, but after seeing her mother like that, she had been quick to figure it out.
She wasn’t needed, so her mother hadn’t taken care of her. She wasn’t wanted, so her mother hadn’t looked after her. Her mother had given birth to her, then abandoned all the duties and privileges of parenthood.
That was why her mother hardly ever showed her face at home and why she passed right through, either not noticing or brushing Mahiru away even when she reached out.
While Mahiru was still sitting there, grappling with the sudden awareness of her unbelievably cruel reality, her mother left, and all Mahiru could do was watch her go.
Too late, she reached out her hand, but it hung in the air and didn’t grab anything. Mahiru had nothing left. She had never had anything to begin with.
She couldn’t tell whether the drops spilling onto the floor were tears or something seeping out from where her delicate heart had been mercilessly gouged out of her chest.
The only thing she could say for certain was that she was not loved.
No matter how hard she worked, if she was not loved, no one would ever notice her efforts, so they were meaningless.
“Why?”
As she spoke that question aloud, a violent, heartbreaking emotion spilled out from inside her, and she sobbed loudly in her empty home.
She had stopped crying by the time Miss Koyuki came to the house. But she couldn’t muster her pure smiling face as she had before, not even for her beloved Miss Koyuki. Something like resignation filled her body, and her smile became stiff and drawn.
What if she rejects me?
If she had known nothing, Mahiru might have clung to Miss Koyuki and cried.
But knowing that she was unloved by her own mother, Mahiru grew scared. Miss Koyuki had always respected Mahiru and cherished her—she was almost like a parent to her—but that was because it was her job.
Not even her own parents loved her, so there was no way that Miss Koyuki loved her.
Mahiru knew that if she embraced Miss Koyuki, she was sure to ask. She would ask if Miss Koyuki loved her.
Of course she doesn’t.
Even though Mahiru’s parents didn’t love her, she didn’t want to make Miss Koyuki their substitute and was terrified of being rejected by her as well.
Afraid to even check, Mahiru held back the concerned Miss Koyuki with a meager smile and covered her chest to hide where it was sodden from her tortured crying.
Mahiru was hurt by her mother’s rejection, but even so, she didn’t give up on love completely.
She hung her hopes on the tiny possibility that if she became an even better child, her mother might look her way.
Mahiru worked as hard as she could, more than ever before, hoping to catch her mother’s attention, wishing she would just glance at her.
She would have been happy with even one word of acknowledgment, a single bit of praise.
That alone would have been reward enough for her efforts.
Ultimately, she did improve her schoolwork, and her athletics, and she polished her appearance, but her parents never took notice.
Even though many people seemed to have a favorable impression of her, even though she became an honor student, even though she grew into the good looks she inherited from her parents, they never looked her way.
For what it was worth, whenever she saw her father, he would say two or three awkward words to her, but that was all. He didn’t really see Mahiru, inside or out, and instead always averted his eyes guiltily.
He probably felt conflicted when he laid eyes on the girl who was born out of one night’s indiscretion in a marriage arranged for political reasons.
If they hate looking at me so much, they should have chosen not to have me.
I never asked to be born.
How good it would have felt to be able to say those things out loud.
But by that time, Mahiru had mastered stifling her judgment and emotions, and she said nothing. She simply swallowed her gloomiest feelings and stuffed them deep down in her chest.
Even though her heart ought to have been clogged by a thick layer of murky, stagnant emotions, instead it was empty, with a bitter wind howling in the void.
It was cold, miserable, and painful.
Mahiru didn’t know what she could do to fill that hole in her heart.
Or rather, even though she knew what would fill it, she also understood that it was something she couldn’t have.
Love—such a short little word, but no matter how Mahiru tried, no matter how she reached for it, she couldn’t even see it, and her hands always came away empty.
Even though she was a beautiful child, fit to be lauded as a model little girl, she never got a scrap of love from her parents, something that other children probably took for granted.
For better or worse, Mahiru clearly took after her parents, which everyone seemed to regard as a good thing. And her efforts bore fruit as she added to her skills and grew into a well-rounded, beautiful individual.
In the later years of elementary school, when the differences between the boys and girls became apparent, she began to get constant attention from the opposite sex.
By that time, she understood what she needed to do to win people’s favor and how to conduct herself so no one would hate her, and she committed to behaving that way.
She molded herself into what most people would consider to be the ideal girl: humble and unpretentious but refined and gentle enough that she wouldn’t be seen as groveling, treating everyone with kindness and courtesy and never showing favoritism.
And with that, her angel persona came into being.
It was a warped part of her.
As a result of her solidifying into perfection on the surface, no one could tell that on the inside, she was riddled with holes, and she grew into a young woman whom everyone envied.
She lived an empty existence, never knowing love despite being adored.
Though she knew how hollow that was, Mahiru never stopped improving herself.
Maybe she could fill her empty heart if everyone liked her.
Maybe she could get her parents’ attention.
Maybe she could get them to actually understand her and love her.
Filled with those withered, fleeting hopes, she made these wishes to no one in particular.
“There’s no way that will happen.”
That wasn’t an answer that she received from someone else but rather the answer that spilled forth from inside herself.
“Even when I try my hardest, neither Father nor Mother have ever looked my way, have they?”
Her sneering voice echoed loudly in her ears, seeming to double back on itself.
“I thought it would be all right if everyone liked me, but that turned out to be wrong, didn’t it? If they only like me for what I’m pretending to be, I’ll never get anyone to love the real me. The thing everyone likes is a mask I’ve put on. I’m just strangling myself. No one sees me for who I am.”
Having drawn this conclusion, Mahiru twisted up her face and laughed—
Then Mahiru sensed warmth beside her and slowly opened her eyes.
A familiar, subdued scent was right beside her. When she looked toward the warmth with wavering, unfocused eyes, she saw the body of a person who had not been there a moment before.
She felt safe in the pleasant warmth and pressed her cheek against it… Then she heard a quiet laugh.
“Good morning.”
The smooth, gentle voice was just what Mahiru had been searching for.
She turned her face toward the source of the voice with sluggish movements, and there was Amane, looking at her with a tender expression and kindness in his eyes.
An instant later, Mahiru realized that she was leaning against Amane, and she sat up in a hurry.
Amane had come home without her realizing it, and she had no idea when she had drifted off.
“…D-did I fall asleep?” she asked timidly.
Amane nodded readily. “Sure did. When I got home about an hour ago, you were asleep, so I decided not to wake you up, but after I sat down beside you, you gradually fell over onto me, and I let you be.”
“S-sorry. Not only did I let myself in while you weren’t home, I completely nodded off…”
“I really don’t mind at all, but you do fall asleep a lot at my place, huh?”
“Agh—”
She couldn’t deny that Amane’s place was comfortable, or that she had a tendency to fall asleep there. All she could do was groan quietly.
Mahiru had to admit he wasn’t wrong.
The first time that Mahiru had dozed off during one of Shihoko’s visits had truly been an accident, but every time after that, it had been because she trusted Amane and let her guard down around him.
It was unthinkable for Mahiru to fall asleep while anyone was beside her, but Amane alone was special.
She liked him and felt at ease with him by her side; plus, she was confident that Amane wouldn’t try anything.
When he was next to her, she was calm, in spite of her heart pounding. She figured that was the effect of Amane’s measured intimacy and reassuring presence.
He respected Mahiru and cherished her and looked out for her. That confidence let her always feel safe and sound with him.
“I try to make this a place where you feel like you can really relax… Though it didn’t seem like you were able to sleep soundly this time.”
“Huh?”
“You were crying out a little in your sleep. Like you were having a bad dream or something.”
She had apparently let some words leak out while she slept. It must have been the effect of remembering the past while she napped.
Mahiru wasn’t sure how to explain it to Amane, who was looking at her with concern in his eyes. All she could do was put on a vague smile.
“…Yes, I suppose you could say it was a bad dream.”
“I see… Better not to ask?”
“I don’t really mind you asking or anything…but I don’t think it would be very fun to hear. If anything, I think it would just make you uncomfortable.”
She had explained her upbringing to Amane before, so he wasn’t much of a fan of her parents. She hadn’t told him any stories that would make him like them, because she didn’t have any.
Amane knew almost everything about her situation, and he couldn’t help but hold some not-so-nice feelings toward her parents. And Mahiru, when she looked back now on her mother and father from an outsider’s perspective, recognized that they really were not good people.
…Even so, they did give birth to me, and more than anything, I wished they would love me. I was just a child.
Unconditional love, at least, did not exist between Mahiru and her parents.
All Mahiru had wanted was for them to acknowledge her, so she had reached desperately toward them. If asked whether that was real love, she would have to say no.
From the way that Mahiru hesitated, even Amane seemed to sort of guess what kind of dream she had been having. He seemed rather unsure how to proceed, so Mahiru smiled in response to his anxious expression.
“It’s not that big of a deal, okay? I was just having a dream about how I used to spend a lot of time waiting by myself. No one came home, and no one paid attention to me. That’s all.”
No matter how long she waited, her parents never came home to Mahiru. They never saw her for who she was. That was her dream of being small.
“…Even though I tried hard, ultimately I was nothing more than a product of circumstance. I thought they might pay attention to me if I was outstanding, but instead, it gave them an excuse to avoid dealing with me, and there was even less reason to see me. I understand that now.”
After being brushed aside, she had tried to become an even better kid, but that hadn’t helped. Acting out and causing a little bit of trouble for her parents probably would have gotten her more attention. There wouldn’t have been the slightest bit of love there, though.
It was too late for all of that, and now that Mahiru had reached her current age, she no longer sought love from her parents, so she no longer thought about ways to get it. But she often considered the unanswerable question of how her future might have been different if she had behaved differently in the past.
As she laughed quietly at herself for pondering pointless what-ifs, a strong, sturdy hand plopped down on top of Mahiru’s head.
She turned her gaze toward Amane, wondering what made him do that all of a sudden, and saw him frowning in obvious vexation, his expression wavering in a look of regret.
“…I’m sorry. For making you feel lonely.”
“Why are you apologizing, Amane? I let myself in here without asking and decided to wait for you, that’s all. And I had that dream all on my own.”
“I didn’t tell you that I was going out, even though I knew there was a chance you would come by my place. You waited so long that you fell asleep, right? I’m sure you got tired of waiting.”
After he said that, Amane lowered his eyes for a moment, then looked directly at Mahiru.
“…I see you for who you are, and I’ll always come home to you, Mahiru.”
His voice wasn’t loud, but it was very powerful and sincere.
Under his honest, heartfelt gaze, Mahiru felt her eyes start to fill with tears, but she held them back and slowly put on a smile.
—That must be why I fell in love with this person.
He was a little guarded, but he was gentle and compassionate and always looked directly at Mahiru. He accepted every part of her, from her glossy exterior to her vulnerable inner self. He truly cherished her.
How could I help falling in love with someone like this? Seems impossible.
“…Those words sound an awful lot like a proposal, you know?” she said softly in an attempt to district him from the fact that she was about to cry.
“P-p-pro—?! That’s not what I meant at all!”
Once Amane realized that his words could be taken that way, his face flushed red faster than an instant water heater, and he waved his hand in front of him.
It stung a bit to hear him deny it so strongly, but she knew that Amane hadn’t meant that when he said it, so she swallowed the pain immediately.
“I know that; it was a joke… But it sounds like I’ve become something for you to come home to, Amane?”
“…And for you, Mahiru, it seems like my house is where you like to come.”
Maybe he’d thought she was teasing him, because his voice turned quite sulky, but she thought it was sweet and cracked a smile, blushing at Amane’s words.
Sure enough, Mahiru now almost always went “home” to Amane’s place.
Whenever she was alone in her own apartment, that was when she felt really lonely.
Even though she had thought that she was used to it, she had started feeling the loneliness again after meeting Amane—or perhaps thanks to meeting him.
If she had to say, she guessed it was the latter.
Mahiru had met Amane and felt fulfilled for the first time.
She had learned the joy of having a conversation with someone on an equal footing. She had learned the warmth of having someone beside her. She had learned the pleasure of spending quiet time together. She had learned the true meaning of loving someone.
By spending time with Amane, her hollow interior had become packed full with these things before she knew it.
“That’s right, because I already know my way around your place just like it was my own home.”
“You seem to know it better than I do.”
“That’s because you’re always forgetting where things are.”
“Oh, hush.”
She poked fun at him to hide her own embarrassment, and Amane turned away.
She said he had trouble remembering, but she knew that was because he had been making adjustments for her sake. Amane had moved the things she used into places where she could reach them easily and out of the spots where he normally kept them.
Previously, even daily-use items had been stored up high, and now they had been moved, one by one, into spots that were convenient for Mahiru, since she wasn’t all that tall.
On top of all that, Amane had prepared spots for Mahiru to leave her personal items. From her blanket and toothbrush, to her grooming tools, to dishes, and even a complete set of study materials…her personal effects had rapidly multiplied.
Bit by bit, ever since they met, this apartment had been changing to accommodate Mahiru.
As if Amane was trying to say You can be here; this is where you belong.
“…I’d rather—”
“Rather what?”
“…Nothing.”
If only I could stay here by your side forever.
But the words wouldn’t come out.
They weren’t that close yet, and she knew Amane would have no idea how to react if she said something like that. Even clingy girls have their limits.
But that was how much trust and affection she had for Amane.
How happy she would be if they could live a peaceful, warm life together.
“…I’m a greedy person, you know.”
“I don’t know what kind of criteria you’re using, Mahiru, but if you’re greedy, then I’m in trouble because I must be absolutely insatiable.”
“That’s a joke, right? You almost never ask for anything from anyone. If anything, you’re quite reserved and very considerate of other people’s needs.”
“Not at all! Just now, I was worrying over making a request of you.”
“Oh-ho, a request for what?”
He approached the request with such gentleness that she decided to grant whatever it was, even if it took a little work. If he desired something from Mahiru, she wanted to give it to him.
When she looked at Amane to see what he wanted, his eyes were darting around as though he was finding the request hard to articulate, but he steeled himself, and his black eyes focused firmly on Mahiru.
“If you’re having a hard time, lean on me.”
His firm request wasn’t exactly a desire, nor was it an ordinary suggestion.
But she understood what Amane was thinking and why he had said those words. How lucky I am, she thought as her face twisted into a smile. It wasn’t elegant, but it was her genuine, heartfelt smile.
“…Well then, will you indulge me?” she asked.
“Sure, ask away. Anything you want, as long as I can do it,” Amane said with a composed expression on his face.
Mahiru wavered for a moment…then informed him, “In that case, I won’t hold back,” before tipping over to lay her head on Amane’s lap where he sat beside her.
Looking up at the ceiling, she could see Amane, who had stiffened, probably because she had caught him by surprise. She ignored her own feelings of embarrassment and laughed.
“…Mahiru?”
“This seemed to soothe you before when you did it, so I thought maybe it could soothe me, too. I wanted to try it once.”
“Is lying in a guy’s lap all that soothing?”
“Well, it wouldn’t be very comfortable for a nap.”
“Sorry.”
“But it is nice and cozy.”
“…If you say so.”
As she probably could have expected, his muscular male thighs were a bit hard for a pillow, but she felt strongly connected with Amane, and his warmth and characteristic smell seeped over her, dissolving her quiet tension.
Amane was the only person she wanted to touch her and spoil her like that.
“…Could I stay like this, just for a little while?”
“As you wish, my lady.”
She grew worried that her actions had indeed been reckless, and when she looked up, Amane’s face was flushed slightly red, but he didn’t look uncomfortable. With awkward but courteous hand movements, he started stroking her head.
His hands were the ones that grabbed her tightly and pulled her back when she was in danger of going astray; they were the hands that embraced her when things were hard and she wanted to cry, the hands that stroked her to soothe and to spoil.
Under the touch of those firm hands, she became very relaxed, and their pleasant touch caused her mouth to soften into a smile.
“…Amane?”
“Hmm?”
“…Thank you very much.”
“For what?”
Amane looked away, as if he didn’t want to admit he had been worried about her, so Mahiru pretended not to see that Amane was blushing. She turned over to face away from him, so as not to expose the fact that her own face was turning red with embarrassment.
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