2
—By the time she was first conscious of herself, she had nothing.
There was no one around her.
No men, no women, no adults, no children, no elderly, no babies, no one.
Dark, dark. Black, black. Alone in a forest. She was by herself.
“ ”
—Without knowing words, one couldn’t know how to grieve.
—Without knowing how to walk, one couldn’t know how to fight.
—Without knowing how to live, one had no way of finding a reason to die.
Because of that, she should have just died at some beast’s fangs, never achieving anything. If that murderous beast with curled horns on its forehead hadn’t taken her back to its nest.
—Because she didn’t know any words, she didn’t know how to grieve.
—Because she didn’t know how to walk, she didn’t know how to fight.
—But, because she learned how to live, she didn’t think to die.
Saved by the dark beasts’ fickle whims, she studied life in a feral manner and became the beasts’ queen. And as a beast, she thought her fate was to die in the field someday.
“—I said I’m bringing you back, so you’ll be coming with me.”
The one who said those words was a dark girl. A dark girl festering with a blood-stenched darkness.
The girl annihilated the pack of beasts, dragging her down from her throne. With a smile on her face, the girl robbed her of everything and carried her out of the forest.
—Because she didn’t know any words, she didn’t know how to grieve.
—Because she didn’t know how to walk, she didn’t know how to fight.
—And because she didn’t know anywhere else to live but there, she couldn’t even find a reason to die.
“You lost everything? That’s just a pathetic excuse. What do I care?”
That made her regret not knowing how to grieve.
“Grieve, for me. Fight, for me. And live, in order to love me.”
That made her regret not knowing how to fight.
“—If you’re saying you lost everything and forgot everything and it’s all gone, then I’ll just have to discipline you. That’s a mother’s job, after all.”
That made her regret forgetting how to live and not thinking of how to die.
“Don’t become that person’s puppet. No matter how many lives you have, it wouldn’t be enough. Not for anyone other than me.”
As she was being taught words, how to walk, and how to live at Mother’s feet, she met the dark girl again.
After that, the dark girl would regularly check on her. By the time she realized it, she’d started to spend a lot of time with the dark girl, to move together with her.
She remembered being thrown into hot water before she was first brought in front of Mother. The dark girl had mercilessly, roughly scrubbed away the built-up blood, mud, and grime. That might have been the last pleasure she ever felt.
—Because of Mother’s intentions, she very clearly started being paired with the dark girl more.
The dark girl was abnormally strong. She excelled in the art of killing. She knew how to kill far better than how to live. And at the same time, she was slipshod and lazy about everything else.
“I have you here, ■■■■■. I know if I leave it to you, you’ll take care of it for me.”
One thing or a dozen, it was always like that.
She was imprudent. Unreliable. Troublesome to deal with. Someone who couldn’t be let out of sight. She was not loyal to Mother. She was free not just in how she killed, but also in how she lived.
When she was with that dark girl, when she was helping that undisciplined girl, she came close to misunderstanding. To thinking she might be free, too.
So…
“—Elsa is…dead.”
—Dead. Dead. Turned to ash and gone.
The dark girl—no, she was not just a girl anymore, she was Elsa—Elsa, who wouldn’t die even if she was killed.
—Dead. Dead. Turned into ash and gone.
She had seen Elsa with a spear in her stomach, both arms cut at the shoulders, and her head removed. And even then, she hadn’t died. She had assumed Elsa would never die.
—Dead. Dead. Turned into ash and gone.
The people who had killed Elsa captured her and put her into a cold jail.
Alone in the dark room, the girl looked into the empty space and thought.
—I don’t know how to grieve. I don’t know how to fight. My life doesn’t have any value.
She was a defective product. She’d been defective before she was taken in by beasts in the forest, before her actual parents had abandoned her. Incomplete. Broken.
That was why Elsa, who had been broken in the same sort of way, had fit so miraculously well with her.
—Hate, hate, hate? What even is hatred?
—Sad, sad, sad? What even is sadness?
The girl who had gone with the flow, just mimicking things in order to live, didn’t know true emotion.
When she was with beasts, it had been beasts. When she was disciplined by Mother, it was Mother. And when she was with Elsa, she had copied Elsa. Just living as a doll that copied other people.
—With Elsa gone, who should I copy? What should I model my life on?
Time passed without her finding an answer.
During that time, she put on appearances, behaving how the people around her wanted her to behave. Or if someone wanted her to die, she would have died, too.
If Mother had ordered her to die in the guise of discipline, she would have—
She would…………………
“…I don’t want that…”
She didn’t want to end like that. She didn’t want to end like this.
Unease burned away at her heart. The soul that had lived as others wished her to live was making its own plea at last.
I at least want to know the answer.
—What should she do since she was the reason Elsa died?
“—What, you’re here too, ■■■■■?”
It was night.
As she stood in front of a shelf of books of the dead in the archive in the sand tower, there was a voice behind her.
Her heart skipped a beat and terror gripped her mind. If she was asked why she was there, if she was questioned, she wouldn’t be able to hide it. She wouldn’t be able to answer.
Whose book of the dead had she secretly gone there in search of?
“There’s a book I wanted to find. It would be better to get everybody’s help looking for it, but I can’t help getting impatient …”
It was the black-haired boy. The familiar boy was scratching his head and talking about something.
She smiled, cocked her head, and hid her racing heart, acting like everything was normal.
“—Don’t stay up all night, ■■■■■.”
With that, she moved away from the archive. Walking slowly. Gradually picking up pace, until finally she was running.
—He saw what I was doing. He knows. He noticed.
—I didn’t want to be seen. Didn’t want anyone to notice. Didn’t want anyone to know.
But it was all wrong. The thing she’d tried to do hidden from view had been seen.
Maybe I should go ahead and use everything I set up around the tower. Wipe the slate clean—
Driven by impulse, she spun around. Going back the way she’d run, she returned to the archive full of books of the dead. The black-haired boy was sitting on the ground with his back to her.
There were multiple books scattered around him. Did he find the book of the dead he was looking for? That thought made her jealous, but with him still not noticing her, she—
“—So shallow…”
She caught her breath. He didn’t turn around, but his words gripped her heart.
How did I get caught? My footsteps were silent. I’m not stupid enough to just walk around and make it obvious I mean to kill.
—No, now isn’t the time for that. Smile, make a flirty gesture, act normal.
“Don’t make eyes at me, it’s disgusting. No one wants that sort of thing from you.”
She was interrupted, silenced.
Her thoughts raced. She tried to find the best answer. What was the black-haired boy after?
“Don’t feign innocence, little doll. Can’t you hear what you really want in that heart of yours?”
What you really want. For some reason that clichéd expression seeped into her ears and she couldn’t get it out.
“Lend an ear to your wish. If you do, you’ll glimpse a little bit of what you really are. And if you see yourself, it’ll be easier to understand what you truly want.”
Know what I want. See myself.
What I want, wish…
“That’s a nice face. Lots of flavor.”
At some point, the black-haired boy had turned around and was standing in front of her. His hand gently took her braided hair and he looked at her with a terribly perverse pleasure in his black eyes.
She couldn’t look away from those eyes. Her heart was stricken.
“If you know what you want, if you start to see your nature, then follow it. I feel your boring troubles, your tedious pain.”
Saying that, selfishly deciding what was in her heart, the boy kissed her hair.
A creeping terror, and an even more powerful intoxication, ran up her spine.
“—I’ll remember it.”
If you know what you want, if you really see yourself…
Was what the girl, what ■■■■■ needed to do, something that she could do—was it something true to her nature?
“—About last night, how seriously should I take what you said?”
After that night, after finishing breakfast, she met the black-haired boy before they took their next action in the tower.
She had thought, unable to sleep. She had thought and thought and thought, but she still couldn’t reach an answer.
And the boy acted as if that meeting hadn’t even happened.
So she made an opening to talk to him. Unable to restrain her restlessness, she realized later she should have at least waited until moving to a place where no one would be able to hear them first.
“Out here is a little…you know? Let’s move somewhere else first.”
With his suggestion, they went into a random room. She wanted to ask what he really meant by what he said last night. There was no explanation of what he’d stumbled on, but…
“—Sorry, ■■■■■.”
Right after that whisper in her ear, she was suddenly thrown to the floor.
Falling down, she hit her back. Unable to resist due to the sudden impact, the boy straddled her. She saw his face—he was sneering fiendishly. His face twisted in a way she’d never seen before.
“Asking directly is against the rules.”
A strong force weighed against her neck.
Her lips opened, struggling for air. She couldn’t fill her lungs. She desperately clawed at the hands around her neck. They didn’t move. She couldn’t shake free. Against someone like him…if only it was Elsa.
“This time you’re out on a rule infraction, but I’m looking forward to bigger things from you next time. Do your best, just like every other time.”
I don’t…understand.
What’re you saying? What does that mean? What am I hearing?
“This is an intriguing story in its own way. The case of Subaru Natsuki’s murder.”
She was being killed. That was the only thing she knew for sure. She was being killed. What did I even manage in the end? I’m going to die. Everything from the time I was alone in the woods…what did it all mean? I’m being killed. Pointlessly, unable to do anything. Killed. He’s enjoying it. Killing me. Having fun. Killing me. Being killed. Killed.
—I’ll kill you.
No Comments Yet
Post a new comment
Register or Login