5
“…Mister?”
“ ”
Louis spoke while watching Subaru stand.
His hand was no longer wrapped around her neck. Still looking bewildered, she sat up on her golden bed of hair, blinking in confusion.
“What…? C’mon, keep going…it’s not done, right?”
“ ”
“It’s not…”
“You don’t need to say anything else. I’m sick of your twisted explanations.”
I’m honestly surprised how clear my head is.
Because of that, he could also calmly acknowledge that this malice that had come in the shape of a girl had twisted his will. She had tried to use him as she pleased.
“ ”
Louis’s eyes narrowed. She couldn’t know the specifics of what had happened in Subaru’s body. Even Subaru didn’t really understand the specifics.
But an unwavering greed had settled Subaru Natsuki.
Subaru glanced not at Louis, but past her.
The girl who had mercilessly roared at him wasn’t there. She had disappeared the moment Subaru stood and faced forward.
But this is probably enough!
This wasn’t the place, and he wasn’t the one who should reunite with her.
No, that’s not right, either. But the one who should reunite with her is the Subaru Natsuki who has regained his memories of her, his feelings for her.
And there’s no reason to distinguish between that other Subaru Natsuki and this Subaru Natsuki.
“Even though I was told…time and time again.”
—They told me, even without my memory, I’m still Subaru.
His need to distinguish, to separate, to delineate, to differentiate. That was his burden, and the curse tying him down.
But what of it?
Now that he had settled on what he should do, it was a guide, a strand of hope. If he pulled that thread, it would lead him right to where his precious people were waiting at the other end.
“Put away the knife and fork you dine-and-dash asshole. I don’t have any food for the likes of you.”
Louis Arneb’s eyes widened. Widened, and she looked at Subaru, who was pointing at her. Seeing that there was no trace of emotion on his face, she looked down.
“Ahh…”
She looked down and let out a raspy sigh.
It was a sigh filled with a difficult-to-describe emotion.
As she sat up, her shoulders trembled, and she pulled her knees close, curling up atop the carpet of her own blond hair.
And slowly she raised her face—
“—Argh, damn it, damn it, damn it. Just one step. Just one more step.”
With loathing in her eyes, she glared at Subaru and cursed at him.
“Just one more step. It was so close. What went wrong? Who tricked you, mister?”
It was a voice steeped in a deep hatred, like someone in the depths of hell jealous of a person enjoying paradise on Earth.
“Just one more step and Subaru Natsuki would have been completely peeled away from Subaru Natsuki…!”
“…What? Why would—?”
“—Because we can’t eat the same person twice, obviously!”
“—!”
Louis unleashed a bloodcurdling shout, drowning out Subaru’s suspicious question. As she lifted herself off the ground, her expression changed completely. She glared at Subaru with a beast-like face devoid of any humanity.
“We had to separate them! The Subaru Natsuki we already ate once, and the leftover Subaru Natsuki. Even though we made all sorts of plans…it’s all wasted! Go ahead and laugh!”
“…It’s not funny. None of this is the least bit funny.”
“Really? Really?! But you hate us, too, don’t you? Isn’t it fun seeing the people you hate sad? It feels good, doesn’t it? We were so bored of eating, but you…you could have satisfied us… You were the only one who could satisfy our gorging…!”
As Louis shouted with bloodshot eyes, Subaru murmured the last word.
Unless I misheard it, she said she was Gluttony, so where did Gorging come from?
As Subaru was confused, Louis looked up at the white sky and shouted.
“Gourmet Lye and Garbage Roy don’t understand aaaanything! One after the other, endlessly eating without thinking… For my sake? For me locked up in here, who can’t choose anything? Don’t make me laugh, stupid brothers!”
Hugging her hair, Louis started flailing wildly in a spittle-flecked tantrum.
Subaru couldn’t understand the meaning of everything she was shouting. The Lye and Roy part—those were probably names? But what he could tell from the reference to multiple gluttonies and memories was—
“You and your buddies…take people’s names and memories…is that it? You steal all those things and eat them all. Right?”
Subaru, who’d had his memories eaten and lost who he was.
Julius, whose name had been eaten, and who’d experienced the grief of being forgotten by everyone around him.
And Rem, who had been both consumed and forgotten by the world and put into a deep, unending slumber.
All of them were the work of Gluttony, of Louis and the others, whose names she—
“Why the hell are you doing that? What are you after?”
“—Happiness.”
“ ”
Subaru caught his breath at that immediate response.
Not even glancing at him, Louis clacked her teeth together as an unstable edge crept into her voice.
“What other goal is there? Happiness is the point of living, isn’t it? Or did you think outcasts like us were warped about that, too? Wrong. That’s wrong. Of course it’s wrong! Too wrong! Completely wrong! We’re telling you it’s wrong!”
“What does stealing other people’s memories have to do with happiness…?”
“Have you never thought that life isn’t fair?”
“I have.”
“Aha!”
Biting into the back of her pale hand, Louis questioned Subaru. And she smirked unpleasantly at his immediate answer of yes.
“Of course. We have, too. After all, life isn’t fair. You can’t pick where you are born, you can’t pick your parents, you can’t pick your surroundings, you can’t pick your future, you can’t control anything. That’s the system that’s been made. We’re all just put on a conveyor belt.”
“ ”
“—But what if it didn’t have to be like that?” Louis cocked her head as Subaru remained silent. “What if you could choose where you were born? Your parents? Your surroundings? Your future? What if you could choose whatever you wanted? …Everyone would choose a better life, wouldn’t they? Right?”
“That’s…”
“If they could pick where they were born, pick their parents, pick their surroundings, pick their future, pick everything they wanted, anyone would pick a better life… So we are carefully taking our time, searching for the ultimate life for ourselves.”
“ ”
“It has to exist somewhere! A rosy future where we can feel proud of the life we’ve lived! A life that’s just right for us! And until we encounter that fateful life, we will eat and munch and gnaw and lick and suck and devour! Eat it all! Gluttony!”
Her eyes blazed as she screamed her beautiful ambition out loud.
She genuinely believed, from the bottom of her heart, that this was her personal pursuit of happiness, that this was the one means available to her to secure the best possible future.
She saw no hope in her own life. Because in her mind, the life of the girl Louis Arneb had been far too poor. The start was all wrong. She wanted to undo it. She wanted to win a version of herself that was blessed in birth, in parents, in environment, in future, in talent, in everything.
She had defined that as the requirement for a life that could be celebrated to the greatest extent.
And so…
“You steal other people’s memories…and eat them…for that?”
Understanding what that meant, Subaru was at a loss for words.
As Louis said, she gorged, mindlessly consuming other people’s lives.
Men, women, young, old, even other races and species—she gorged on life itself, savoring and indulging in the experiences of every sort of being.
She had snacked on the “good parts” of thousands of lives. Every sort of achievement was just a normal event. There was nothing original to be found. Just boring, tired, ancient things…
“So why are you so focused on me? Why would you go through so much hassle to snack on me? Some stupid form of gluttony?”
“It’s nothing so pointless… Because you are our fate.”
Subaru glared at her with anger and wariness. When he took her at face value, it was absurd. But the intensity in Louis’s eyes as she looked at him wasn’t a lie. She was seriously in love with Subaru—or more precisely with his life.
“We’ve eaten young and old, men and women, people from every age, from all rungs of life. But there’s one thing we don’t know. Do you know what that is?”
“How should I know? Is it how to grieve your good-for-nothing self?”
“—The experience of death.”
Subaru froze with one eye closed.
Louis raised her slender arms and pointed her palms at him.
“No matter how many people’s memories we eat, it’s impossible. We can never get the memory of death. That seems obvious, right? Memories are a record of life. So they don’t exist when you die. —But you, mister, are the only exception.”
She seemed genuinely jealous, envious, in love with the ability Return by Death.
This girl who was so bored of the world yearned for the boy who was the only one who could show her something she had never seen before.
“What does it feel like to die? It must be rough, right? It’s painful, right? It’s hard, right? It hurts, right? But there were times it didn’t hurt, too, right? There are stories that it can even feel good, but is that true? Are you actually always happy when you die? Or is it more of a not caring anymore? Is it easy? A climax? Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!”
“…If you have my memories, you should know already.”
“As memories! But that’s old! Not fresh! We want something more real. We aren’t satisfied with reheated, reused ingredients. What would satisfy us is a new, fresh, never-before-experienced state of mind! Special memories, one-of-a-kind that no one else in the world can experience! And not just that, but the ease of just redoing things right away if you mess anything up! Even after finding your perfect life, you could ruin it with some sort of mistake, right? But that can’t happen with your life! Don’t worry, we’ll do it carefully, so no one notices.”
“ ”
“Emilia, Beatrice, Ram, Meili, Julius, Echidna, Shaula, Patlash, Petra, Otto, Garfiel, Frederica, Ryuzu, Roswaal, Clind, Annerose, Felt, Reinhard, Old Man Rom, Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest, Crusch, Ferris, Wilhelm, Ricard, Mimi, Hetaro, TB, Priscilla, Al, Schult, Heinkel, Kiritaka, Liliana—everyone and anyone and everyone! Trick them all and live a happy life!”
Holding her hands out like that, Louis cocked her head cutely.
“So please, let me eat your life until I’m full.”
She pleaded with him.
And she had surely chosen the best method for this setting from all the countless memories inside her.
It’s just proof that no matter how good the ingredients, it’s wasted without a good cook.
One of Subaru’s favorite sayings was that there was no such thing as bad ingredients. Just bad dishes.
He had never felt it so painfully as in this moment, though.
Countless experiences that any number of normal people couldn’t possibly put together. And he had never seen anyone waste that much potential before.
“—There won’t be a third time. My pain, my death, my life, all of it is mine. I’m not giving you a single thing!”
“ ”
“I hope you starve, dumbass. If the only thing you can choose in life is how you die, then that’s what I recommend. You should suffer more than anyone else in the world.”
Subaru drew his thumb across his neck.
Louis’s eyes widened, and then she looked at her hands. And then she covered her face and looked up at the white sky.
“Aaaaaaah. We messed up. Screwed up. Blundered. Flubbed. Ruined. Dropped the ball. We botched it. We blew it…aaaaarghhhhhhh!”
Her knees trembled, and she slumped to the ground.
That she was that stunned proved she had really been serious about trying to persuade Subaru. And because of this result, it went without saying that her mind cracked.
“I won’t be what you wanted. My name is Subaru Natsuki. The name Kenichi Natsuki and Nahoko Natsuki gave me. I am me. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“Even though you might be overwritten and erased?”
“Let me teach you a magic spell. That is one thing, and this is another.”
He took the magic spell he had used on Julius and pointed it at himself.
The current Subaru might disappear if he managed to bring the original Subaru Natsuki back. But he might not. There could be a way not to get erased. And even if there was only enough room for one person, he might find a way to share it.
“I don’t mind tracking mud inside when I enter people’s hearts, so I don’t need to sit neatly in a chair, either. That’s my answer. Get a haircut, stupid.”
With that parting shot, he turned away from Louis.
Now that she had lost her will to fight, there was no need for him to be wary. More importantly, he needed to figure out how to get back from this crazy space.
And why is Reid’s book of the dead even connected to this place…?
“—Argh. We just have to leave it to dear brother and brother dearest, then, huh?”
Louis’s sigh hit Subaru’s back as he slipped into thought.
Dear brother and brother dearest. Those words made Subaru stop as he was about to go looking for the exit.
Those names she had said before. If his guess was right…
“Lye and Roy. Gourmet and Garbage?”
“We can’t leave this place. So we can’t control what we eat unless dear brother and brother dearest eat it for us… So we asked them.”
Subaru caught his breath, getting a bad feeling as he waited for her to continue.
It felt long before she said something else, but finally, as if toying with his unease, Louis moved her red lips.
“This is your second time coming here, isn’t it? So dear brother and brother dearest should have both noticed…exactly where you are.”
“Wait, your brothers are coming here…?!”
“They both are very interested in you, mister. That makes perfect sense. After all…you’re packed full of experiences we’ve never tasted.”
Brothers rushing to their sister’s side when she was in danger. On paper, it was a heartwarming story about a loving family, but the truth was just a race to satisfy their own desires.
Either way, that made it even more important for Subaru to find a way out of this space. But as that thought crossed his mind and he reached his hand forward, the world around him cracked.
“Wha—? Is this an exit?!”
In front of his eyes, he could see a gap in space through the cracks. It was connected to a path that shouldn’t have been there.
A path born of his determination to return.
“Before I go back, you…”
“You can’t. It’s impossible for you. We wish you could have, though.”
“ ”
He couldn’t say anything as Louis grabbed her slender neck.
“Even in the depths of paranoia, even in desperation, you won’t kill yourself or anyone else, not even outcasts. You’re just a spineless coward. Even though we nibbled you so gently.”
“…Get some braces, asshole.”
Subaru flipped her off as she made an infuriated face.
He didn’t even watch to see her reaction before moving into the rift in the space. But just as he did, there was a single moment’s hesitation.
Not because Louis was bothering him. He was content to never see her face again. What he regretted wasn’t leaving Louis, but the voice that had put him back on his feet. The girl who had appeared for a brief moment in order to rouse Subaru Natsuki’s spirits. The girl whose memory and name were stolen so she was the only one who could call out to him at the end of the world.
“It’s okay. I remember my promise.”
Subaru Natsuki wouldn’t forget that.
We’ll meet again soon.
—He hoped he could hear her kind voice then, and not just more scolding.
“ ”
With that, Subaru leaped into the rift to go back to his comrades.
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