Seishun Buta Yarou Series - Volume 5 - Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – And once More, the Sun Rises

1 

They started practicing the trip to school the next day, Sunday, November 23. 

Somehow they already only had a week left in the month. The end of the year was coming up fast. 

There was a reason why they started practicing on a Sunday, when there weren’t any classes. On weekdays, the road would be packed with students, but today, there were far fewer eyes on her, which was less of a burden on Kaede, mentally. Miwako had suggested trying around this time. 

Also, Kaede herself really wanted to start training as soon as possible. 

She was so fired up about it, she’d already changed into her uniform when she came to wake Sakuta up that morning. 

Seeing that had helped Sakuta fight off his desire to sleep in, and he got up. 

Kaede still couldn’t go outside by herself, let alone to school, so Sakuta would have to help her practice. 

After both of them finished breakfast, Sakuta got changed, too. Then they set off. 

The elevator brought them to the ground floor, where they stepped though the building doors to the street outside. 

No problems so far. 

Well, maybe Kaede did seem extra twitchy about other people. Every time she heard a voice or a noise, she froze, hackles raised like a stray cat. But this wasn’t really different from her usual behavior, so he wasn’t worried. She’d just have to get used to that sort of thing over time. The more she normalized being outside, the easier a time she’d have with it. They just had to be patient. 

“Ready?” 

“Okay.” 

They stepped away from their building and headed toward her junior high. 

It was a typical Sunday morning. Still early, only nine AM. And with winter fast approaching, the air was quite chilly. In the shade, it felt like your body temperature was in free fall. 

As cold as the air felt, the neighborhood seemed cozy and relaxed. Full lazy Sunday style. The lack of people rushing to work or school made even familiar streets look different. 

They took their time, walking slowly toward Kaede’s school. It was still a ways off, still out of sight, but each step Kaede took brought her that much closer to it. And that shortening distance was palpable. 

Kaede wasn’t a fast walker to begin with, but she was making steady progress. 

She did freeze up when a car passed them but had no real problems making it all the way to the first turn. 

But there she hit a brick wall. 

At the intersection, they ran into some female students, walking up from their right. Two of them, wearing the same uniform as Kaede. They had racket cases with them—a bit too small to be tennis. Probably members of the badminton team off to practice. 

They both glanced at Kaede. 

Their eyes met. 

“!” 

Kaede shot up straight. She went stiff as a board. 

Neither girl seemed to notice. They walked right past Sakuta and Kaede and continued on toward school. 

Happy chatter about what they’d seen on TV the night before hung in the air. 

Their laughter seemed to frighten Kaede, and she hid behind Sakuta. She took a tight grip on his clothes, and he could feel her hands shaking. 

“They’re not laughing at you, Kaede.” 

“You’re sure?” 

“If you think it’s that easy to make people laugh, you’re sorely mistaken.” 

“Th-the path to comedy greatness is paved with thorns!” 

Kaede poked her head out from behind him, looking after the pair of girls. They were pretty far off now. Kaede had stopped shaking but had definitely lost her nerve. She was almost crouching. It didn’t look like she would be going any farther. 

They were maybe one hundred yards away from home. 

Another eight to nine hundred to school. 

The goal seemed pretty far off. 

But Sakuta figured that was enough practice for one day. He turned back, looking Kaede over. There was a faint bruise on the skin of her thighs, below the hem of her skirt. One that hadn’t been there when they left. 

“Good work today,” he said. “Let’s go home and have some pudding.” 

They’d actually gotten farther than he’d expected for the first day of practice. He’d figured she’d lock up right outside their building. 

“I—I don’t want to quit yet!” she said. But her hands clutching his shoulders had started shaking again. She was clearly forcing herself. And he felt like the bruise on her thigh was getting darker, driven by her fears. 

“Then let’s just do one more step,” he said, wanting to respect her resolve. 

“Okay!” Kaede said, a little nervous. 

But despite what she said, Kaede didn’t take another step. 

They waited five minutes, then ten…but she didn’t manage it that day. 

2 

The next morning was Monday, November 24. He woke up earlier than usual. 

He’d set his alarm for six thirty. Painfully early for Sakuta. 

It wasn’t for his health or anything. 

It was so he could help Kaede with her walk-to-school practice. 

If they went at the usual commute time, the roads would be packed with students. They’d talked about it last night and decided to go in earlier, like she was headed to morning practice with a team or club. 

Plus, if they practiced when they usually did on the weekends, Sakuta wouldn’t make it to school in time. He didn’t really have a problem skipping school for days on end, but Kaede objected to it, so they were getting up early. 

“You have to go to school and study!” Kaede said. “You have to go to the same college as Mai!” 

Sakuta totally agreed with her there. Who knew what punishment awaited him if he failed? 

Their first morning practice started off well, like the day before. But only at first. Kaede’s feet stopped at the exact same place as last time. 

The first intersection from their apartment. 

Once again, they’d run into some students in her uniform. This time, it was three boys with crew cuts. Definitely baseball team hairdos. All three of them had their phones out, playing some sort of puzzle game. 

Somehow they were walking to school, playing the game, and talking about homework all at the same time. 

Kaede watched them from behind a telephone pole. 

Her knees had buckled, but she was still motivated. 

“I—I can keep going!” she said before Sakuta could suggest turning back. 

Her voice quivered, and she looked pretty pale. She was obviously forcing herself. There was a bruise rising up her calf from her socks. A nasty, dark one, like a snake coiling around her leg. 

It was hard to look at that and say, “Sure, let’s keep going.” Whatever Kaede herself might want, it was Sakuta’s job to stop her from going too far. 

“I’ve got to go to school, though,” he said. “Should we call it a day?” 

“O-okay. I don’t want to make you late.” 

The same thing happened the next day. 

Wednesday, November 26. 

Kaede was acting strange all morning. Even when they first woke up, she seemed lost in thought, slow to react when Sakuta spoke to her. 

He made the scrambled eggs that were her current favorite, but she just ate them in silence. No cries of “So good! I feel like my cheeks will fall off!” What was going on? 

“……” 

She changed into her uniform and put her shoes on, more on edge than usual. 

“Kaede?” he said as they rode the elevator down. 

She didn’t answer. 

“Earth to Kaede.” 

“Y-yes? What is it?” 

“Is something the matter?” 

“I’ve made up my mind. I’m going all the way to school today!” 

She was suddenly all smiles. It didn’t really answer his question, but their conversations were often a bit disjointed. That in itself wasn’t too unusual. Just…this time there were a lot of factors in play, and they were all tangled together, so it was hard to take it as her usual ditzy charm. 

“I’m ready to go!” she announced. 

But Sakuta sensed some tension behind that smile. Almost panic. 

“No need to rush it.” 

“I-I’m not rushing it!” 

She forced a smile and denied it, but he could tell that wasn’t really a smile. When their eyes met, she fled his gaze and hung her head. 

“…I’m going to school,” she whispered. Her hands clutching her skirt tight. Like she was barely holding on. 

“Ms. Tomobe said to take your time.” 

“……” She said something, but he couldn’t make it out. 

“Kaede?” 

“…That’s not good enough.” 

This time, he could just barely hear it. Her voice shook. But there was a strength beneath that, a clarity of purpose. But that felt wrong to him. Made him worry. 

“It isn’t?” 

“……” 

No response. 

The elevator doors opened before either said another word. The ding broke the silence. 

Sakuta didn’t step off. 

He felt like they should probably not practice today. There was no need to try if it was gonna make her look like this. Forcing it was verboten. Miwako had said as much. Making herself try would just reinforce the idea that going to school was hard, and that was exactly what they didn’t want. If she got it in her head that she couldn’t do this, it would be a long time before she would be ready to try again. 

That was what Miwako had told him. 

It made sense. If you summoned all your courage and tried real hard and it ended in failure, how could you bring yourself to try again? Giving up was so much easier. 

“Kaede, let’s not today.” 

He pressed the button to close the doors. But as he did, someone raced past him. Kaede had jumped out of the elevator. 

“Kaede!” 

Sakuta threw himself bodily between the doors as they closed, calling after her. 

But Kaede didn’t turn back. She made a beeline toward the front entrance, but she wasn’t exactly steady on her feet. She almost tripped and fell, but she threw her hands out onto the tiles and picked herself up. Without a glance back at him, she stepped outside the building. 

“Kaede!” he yelled again, hurrying after her. “Wait up, Kaede!” 

He was getting real loud, completely forgetting how early in the morning it was. His voice echoed across the street. 

But Kaede just kept going. Running down the road to school, legs flying everywhere. She was not at all fast. Sakuta caught up with her easily. 

He grabbed her wrist. 

“You don’t have to force yourself,” he said. 

“I do!” she exploded, already out of breath. “I don’t have time to take my time!” 

Her head snapped up, and she looked him right in the eye. Gaze not wavering at all. A teary-eyed glare. 

He’d never seen her look like this. 

And never heard her voice this ragged. 

But that wasn’t what surprised him the most. It was her words. 

Kaede knew. She understood the situation she was in. She was fully aware she was running out of time. 

And once Sakuta realized that, the strength drained out of his hand. He let go of Kaede’s wrist. 

Kaede turned to run away again. No—she was running toward school. 

“So she knew this whole time,” he muttered, watching her stagger off. 

Her words and actions both made that clear. 

The realization shook him to his core. His head was spinning, trying to work out what to do. Lost in thought, his body froze up. No instructions were being relayed by his brain. 

But that lasted only for a moment. 

He peeled his feet off the pavement. Once he took that first step, the rest was easy. Body and soul went chasing after Kaede. 

And as he did, his thoughts caught up with him—or rather, he decided that thinking about it was pointless. 

Ahead of him, Kaede had come to an abrupt stop. The same intersection she always got stuck at. A girl in uniform had crossed the street in front of her. 

Their eyes must have met. 

Kaede hung her head, moving to the edge of the path, hiding behind a telephone pole. She crouched down, still out of breath from all the running. Her shoulders heaving. 

But a moment later, she forced herself back to her feet, like she was wringing out every bit of strength she had. Even after rising to her feet, her body refused to take another step forward. 

“Why… Why…?” 

As he got closer, he could hear her whispering, her voice shaking. 

“Why can’t I do it?” 

She was punching her thighs, pounding away at them. 

Sakuta caught up and grabbed her arms, stopping that. There were huge bruises on her thighs where she’d been hitting herself. And purple specks on her arms, as well. These weren’t from the force of her blows, but from her Adolescence Syndrome. It hurt to look at. 

“Why… Why…? I want to go to school! Why can’t I?” 

There were huge tears rolling down her face. She was staring down at her legs, as if rebuking her own body. 

“Why, why, why?!” 

What was this even directed at now? Herself? The other person inside her? Or maybe both. 

“Kaede,” he said. 

She wouldn’t look at him. 

“I’m not going back,” she said, her voice a sob. 

She threw her arms around the telephone pole. 

“I’m not,” she said again, like a stubborn child. “I’m practicing until I make it to school.” 

Her face was a mess of tears and snot. 

“I have to practice…!” 

“I know.” 

He made his voice sound like it always did. This wasn’t an answer he’d prepared. It was one he’d found while watching her suffer like this. He didn’t know if it was the right decision. He couldn’t be sure, but rather than waste time worrying about the answer, he chose to spend all his time following through. 

“I know,” he said again. 

Kaede’s shoulders twitched. 

“I’ll make sure you can go to school.” 

“You will?” Kaede said, finally looking at him again. He could see his face reflected in her tears. “Really?” 

“I swear.” 

“You really swear?” 

“I do.” 

She didn’t seem to believe him yet. Her mouth was hanging open. 

“But I think we need to rest a bit before we try again.” 

He rummaged around in his pockets and pulled out some tissues he’d been handed at the station ages back. He used those to clean up Kaede’s face. 

“Rest?” she said. A little late. 

“Yeah. I know a great place to rest. Lemme show you.” 

He turned around and started walking away. 

“Oh! Wait for me!” Kaede said. She let go of the telephone pole and hurried after him. Soon she was attached to his shoulder. 

3 

They went back home and washed Kaede’s face properly, and then Sakuta called Minegahara High. 

“This is Sakuta Azusagawa from Class 2-1. I’m not feeling good, so I’m gonna take the day off,” he lied and then hung up. 

He waited a bit, but it didn’t seem like they planned to call back, so he and Kaede left again at around nine thirty. 

Kaede took a step toward school, but he stopped her. 

“This way,” he said, beckoning. 

Then he led her to Fujisawa Station. 

This was a huge building with three lines running through it. They were past the peak of rush hour, but it was still packed. Half the crowd was going in the gates and half pouring out. 

“There’s so many people!” Kaede said, hiding behind him. 

She’d stopped in her tracks, but if they couldn’t get past this, they’d never reach their destination. 

“If you get stuck here, you’ll never make it to school, Kaede.” 

“R-right! I can do it!” 

Kaede regained some of her spirit and raised her head. They bought tickets at the JR machines and went through the gates. 

A train pulled into the platform, silver with orange and green stripes. This was the Tokaido Line. 

Sakuta and Kaede boarded a Koganei-bound car. 

There were empty seats in the back, so he put Kaede by the window and sat down next to her. 

“A-are we still not at this ‘great place’?” Kaede asked as the train pulled out. She was very conscious of the crowd around her. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll be there soon.” 

The train soon stopped at the next station. Ofuna Station, one stop down the line. Some people got off; some got on. 

The bell rang, the doors closed, and the train pulled out again. 

“Still not there?” 

“A bit farther.” 

The next stop was Totsuka. Sakuta and Kaede did not get off. 

“Still not there?” 

“Just a bit more.” 

Then it stopped at Yokohama Station. Once again, Sakuta and Kaede stayed on the train. They’d been riding it for a good twenty minutes now. 

“How much farther?” 

“Hmm, not that much longer.” 

They repeated this at every station. After Yokohama, it stopped at Kawasaki, Shinagawa, Shinbashi, and Tokyo. Even when it pulled out of Tokyo Station, Sakuta and Kaede were still on board. 

“You’re lying to me!” Kaede said. She was getting increasingly upset. 

“I swear, this time we’re almost there.” 

“Y-you can’t fool me!” 

She puffed out her cheeks angrily. 

But this time he really meant it. They were getting off at the next station. 

“See? We’re here.” 

He could see the platform through the windows. The train slowed to a stop, right where it should. 

The doors opened. 

Sakuta and Kaede stepped out. 

There was a sign right in front of them with the station name. 

UENO 

Sakuta and Kaede had disembarked at a large station in Tokyo’s Taito Ward, a building where old and new were all jumbled together. It lay on the east side of Tokyo, surrounded by universities, art galleries, and museums. It was a short walk to Asakusa, home of the famous Kaminarimon. It was a clear day, and you could easily make out the Skytree in the distance. 

But they weren’t here for any of that. 

Outside the platform gates, Sakuta followed the signs that read PARK EXIT. This took them out the north side of the station. The park the exit was named after spread out in front of them. 

They headed inside. 

“Wh-where exactly are we going?” Kaede asked. All of this was extremely uncharted territory for her. She hadn’t let go of his arm since they boarded the train. 

“Somewhere great,” he said evasively. 

He led them between the Bunka Kaikan and the National Museum of Western Art. 

Their destination came into view. The front gates up ahead. 

“Sakuta?” Kaede said, still lost. 

It was a weekday morning. Not even eleven AM. Yet even at this hour, there was a mass of people wandering around. Lots of groups of women out for a stroll and catching up on gossip. Kaede seemed too preoccupied by the crowds to notice their destination. 

“Look up,” he said. 

She blinked, glancing up at him. Then she followed his gaze, turning to face front. 

“Oh!” she said. “The zoo?” 

Surprised, she read the words on the gate. 

“The zoo!” she said again, this time really excited. 

Sakuta had taken Kaede to the zoo in Ueno. Supposedly the first zoo opened in Japan. 

“We’re at the zoo, Sakuta!” she said, tugging his sleeve. 

“I said it would be great, didn’t I?” 

He bought two tickets, and they went inside. 

They felt the change in the air immediately. 

“It smells like Nasuno when she needs a bath!” Kaede said, eyes sparkling. 

“Yep, sure does.” 

At the moment, all they could see were people, though. College couples, mysterious old men here alone, groups of kids with backpacks. Sakuta and Kaede were in uniform, but there were enough schools on field trips that they didn’t really stand out. The lady at the ticket gate had given them a dubious look but hadn’t cared enough to actually probe. 

A few steps inside the gates, Kaede suddenly stopped. “Oh,” she said. 

“What?” he asked, thinking something had happened. 

“Pandas!” she said, beaming back at him. 

The panda exhibit lay directly ahead, with a huge sign advertising it. 

“Sakuta, pandas! They have pandas!” she said, pulling his arm. “Come on!” she said. 

Straight to the panda exhibit. Totally unconcerned about anyone around them. There was clearly nothing left in her brain except seeing the pandas as soon as possible. 

He’d never seen Kaede like this. 

That alone made him think it was worth bringing her here. 

She pulled him into the building housing the exhibit. There was a crowd gathered at the back. Two pandas in an outdoor enclosure. Their distinctive black-and-white fur. 

“Pandas! Real-life pandas!” 

A group had just moved on, so a front row spot opened up for them. 

Kaede leaned over the railing. 

A panda was walking by so close you could almost touch it. 

“A panda! Walking!” 

“It is walking, yes.” 

Seeing them up close like this was impressive. They were pretty big. 

“That panda’s eating!” 

The other panda was at the back of the enclosure, munching on some bamboo. Its legs sprawled out in front of it, kicking back. 

“It’s eating all right.” 

It sure was chowing down. Didn’t seem to have any interest in the two of them. Just doing what it did. 

“Pandas are so big!” 

“Well, they are ‘giant.’” 

“And black and white!” 

“So are zebras.” 

“Ah! It just looked at me!” 

Kaede waved. The panda didn’t bat an eye. It just kept eating. 

“Damn, it’s still eating.” 

“Bamboo isn’t very nutritious, so it has to spend most of the day eating just to stay alive. I saw that on TV.” 

“Being a panda sounds hard.” 

“Everyone has their own challenges.” 

Even as they talked, Kaede’s eyes never left the pandas. She watched them for nearly an hour without showing any signs of boredom or fatigue. 

“The pandas have been eating this whole time!” 

Both of them were eating now. One of them hadn’t done anything else the entire time they’d been standing here. 

The TV had clearly been right about pandas. 

But at that moment, Sakuta’s stomach growled. 

“I think I’m hungry, too,” Kaede said, putting a hand on her belly. 

It was almost noon. In a place like this, it was probably better to eat before the crowds arrived. 

“Then let’s grab a bite somewhere.” 

Outside the panda exhibit, they followed the guide posts, looking for a place to eat. They found themselves in a cafeteria. It was already pretty packed. 

He was a little worried that Kaede wouldn’t hold out long enough to get food, but his concerns proved unfounded. 

She usually got nervous in places like this, but today she just accompanied him like any other person he knew. The lingering excitement from the pandas seemed to have left her too giddy to notice the people around her. 

Kaede decided to order the Panda Udon. This dish made a panda face out of grated yam and shiitake mushrooms. It came with a piece of seaweed that had a panda drawn on it. Clearly, the pandas were the stars of the park. If they made Kaede this happy, he wanted one at home. 

Once they finished eating, they strolled around the rest of the park. There were plenty of other animals. Elephants and bears, lions and tigers, a ton of birds. Even some gorillas. They checked out the sea lions, the seals, the polar bears, and the capybaras, then took the monorail to the west side of the zoo. 

There they enjoyed the pygmy hippos and okapi. Along with the pandas, the zoo called these three of the most famous endangered species. They were all pretty fascinating creatures. 

“I definitely like the pandas best,” Kaede said. She’d seemed lost in thought, but apparently she’d just been battling the lure of the okapi. 

Once they finished making the rounds of the west side, they crossed the bridge back to the east. On the way, they found the red pandas. 

“Sakuta, red pandas!” 

“They’re definitely red.” 

“And so small!” 

“They’re also called lesser pandas.” 

“But cute!” 

They watched the red pandas for a long time. 

Then they heard another girl’s voice say, “Look! Red pandas!” 

They looked back and saw a petite girl, early teens, clinging to a man’s arm—probably her brother. 

“They do seem ‘lesser.’” 

“How so?” 

“They aren’t ‘giant.’” 

“Huh.” 

He appeared to be blowing off his sister’s chatter. He didn’t seem like a college student—more like he was in his midtwenties. Probably had a job and everything. He kept turning his head, like he was looking for someone. 

“Where’d she go?” 

“She still not picking up?” his sister asked. 

The man pulled out his phone and tried again. 

“No luck,” he said, looking defeated. 

“Can’t believe a grown-up would get herself lost like this.” For some reason, the sister smiled like this was a major victory. 

“And whose fault is that?” 

“You’re supposed to be looking after her, so this is clearly your fault.” 

“You’re the one who suddenly stopped following that grade school class around!” 

“Well, the teacher started waving at me.” 

“You’re in your twenties, and she really thought you were in her class…” 

Sakuta almost made a noise. He’d figured the sister was in junior high, but apparently she was a fully grown adult. Older than him even. But she looked Kaede’s age or younger. The world had all kinds of little sisters in it. 

“We’re gonna have to have them call for her over the loudspeakers, aren’t we?” 

“I dunno if they’ll even do that for a grown-up…” 

But even as the spoke, the loudspeaker crackled to life. 

“W-we have a lost…grown-up. She’s five foot three, long hair, midtwenties, carrying a sketchbook. If you know her, come to the West Monorail Station, please.” 

The woman making the announcement was clearly a bit flummoxed by the whole situation, and the visitors nearby were all going, “A lost grown-up?” But they all soon decided it didn’t matter and went back to touring the zoo. 

“They’re calling for you,” the sister said. 

“…Yeah, they are.” 

Looking suddenly tired, the siblings left the red panda exhibit and headed toward the monorail station. 

Once the mystery siblings were gone, Sakuta and Kaede said good-bye to the red pandas and continued east. 

They wandered the gardens awhile and found themselves near the gift shop. It was jam-packed with animal merchandise. Including panda stuff. Lots of panda stuff. They ended up looking at the stuffed animals. There were two pandas at this zoo, so they sold two types of stuffed pandas. 

“I—I could make do with only one, you know? It’s just—they might get lonely if you don’t buy both.” 

“Okay, okay.” 

Sakuta’s wallet was definitely getting lighter. And the weight on his shoulders got that much heavier—because he soon had two stuffed pandas in his backpack 

By the time they left the gift shop, the sun was setting. The sky to the west had turned red. It was almost closing time. 

Sakuta and Kaede stopped by the panda exhibit one last time on the way to the exit. 

“The pandas…are still eating.” 

It wasn’t clear if they’d been eating the entire time Sakuta and Kaede were looking at other animals. But they were sitting in the exact same spot, legs splayed out. Did bamboo really taste that good? 

The loudspeaker announced the park was closing, so they made their way to the exit. 

Kaede was walking very slowly and kept turning back to look at the panda building. It was obvious she was reluctant to part ways. 

“I’ll miss those pandas.” 

“You can always come again.” 

“But I might not…” She trailed off, hanging her head. 

Sakuta figured she meant she might not get a chance. And he couldn’t very well promise she would. He didn’t know what would happen. 

So…instead, he said, “This one’s yours,” and handed her the ticket he’d bought on the way in. It wasn’t an ordinary ticket. 

“Oh…,” Kaede said, realizing as much. She was reading the writing on the ticket closely. It clearly said Annual Passport, and it had Kaede (in hiragana) Azusagawa written in the name field above the green lines. 

“With that, you can come see the pandas every day.” 

“W-wow! Y-you really are my brother!” 

“Was that ever in question?” 

“But, then…” 

“Mm?” 

“I can come here again. Right?” 

She looked to him for confirmation, on the verge of tears. Thinking about the old Kaede, afraid she might not always be this Kaede. 

Nobody could blame you for being yourself. 

“Of course!” Sakuta said. 

As long as it was new Kaede with him, he was going to be her brother. He wanted to make sure that she didn’t feel afraid to be herself. So this could be normal for her, like it was for everyone else. He’d do anything he could to make that true. 

“I mean, I paid for an annual pass; you’d better not waste it.” 

“If I come often enough, it pays for itself!” 

“That’s the spirit.” 

“I know!” 

And Kaede passed through the exit with a smile on her face. 

4 

Kaede remained excited on the way home, even after they reached Fujisawa Station. The whole walk back, she couldn’t stop talking about the pandas and the other animals and which ones she liked and which were the cutest. 

They stopped at a convenience store between their apartment building and the station. Sakuta wasn’t quite sure how this logical leap had occurred, but Kaede had insisted that if pandas’ staple diet was bamboo, then hers was pudding, and they had to buy some. 

Kaede spent a long time thinking about which pudding she wanted. 

“I’ll take these!” she said, putting two puddings in the basket. 

Sakuta turned to take them to the register, but she stopped him. 

“Oh, wait! Can I do it?” 

He didn’t see any reason why not, so he handed her the basket and a one-thousand-yen note. 

“H-here I go!” she said. 

Sakuta watched as she carried the basket to the front of the shop. The clerk behind the counter was a college-aged girl with her hair dyed brown. 

“I-I’ll take these!” Kaede said, looking nervous. She set the basket on the counter. 

The clerk quickly scanned the bar codes and put the two puddings in a bag. 

It was very clear that Kaede found this interaction stressful. She was fidgeting all over the place. 

But she managed to hand over the bill and receive her change. She almost forgot to take the puddings, and the clerk had to call out and hand the bag to her. 

“Th-thank you!” Kaede said, bobbing her head. 

“Thank you,” the clerk said with a smile. 

This was apparently super embarrassing, so Kaede turned and hustled back to Sakuta. 

“I—I went shopping!” she said. 

“Almost forgot your pudding, though.” 

“Good thing she was nice.” 

The clerk must have heard them because she started laughing. What did she make of this whole business? At the very least, they weren’t like her usual customers. 

It wasn’t an unpleasant laugh, though. More like she’d seen something adorable and couldn’t help but smile. 

Kaede handed him the change as they left. 

“Should I carry the pudding?” he asked, holding out his hand. 

Kaede twisted herself, hiding the pudding behind her. 

“I bought the pudding, so I’ll carry it.” 

She was in a very good mood. She kept peering into the bag and grinning. 

Successfully buying something must have been a real thrill. 

Not far from the store was a bridge that spanned the Sakai River. If you followed this river downstream, it came out close to Enoshima. 

They usually hung a left after the bridge, but instead Sakuta kept going straight. 

“Sakuta, we live that way.” Kaede pointed. 

“I know a shortcut,” he said, lying through his teeth. He didn’t stop. 

“I had no idea there was a shortcut this way!” Kaede didn’t suspect a thing. 

“You have a lot to learn about our neighborhood.” 

“But you know everything?” 

“I’m an expert.” 

“That’s amazing.” 

The farther they walked, the more houses there were. The quiet of the night increased the farther they got from the station. But you could still hear cars passing in the distance, and there were lights shining in the apartment complexes, so it was never all that dark. 

After a five-minute walk, they turned a corner and found themselves by a large gate. 

“Huh?” Kaede said, surprised. “S-Sakuta! Is that…?” 

There was an athletic field visible beyond the gate. A soccer goal gleamed white in the glow of the streetlights. And past that field was a three-story building. 

Sakuta had led Kaede to her junior high school. The same place she’d been desperately trying to reach all week. 

The lights were out, and it was shrouded in the silence of night. Like the school itself was asleep. 

“S-school!” 

“It’s pretty late, so let’s keep it down.” 

“Gasp!” Kaede clapped her hand over her mouth. 

He gave her a sidelong glance, then reached for the gate. He gave it a good tug, but it didn’t budge. It wasn’t very tall, though, so it could easily be scaled. 

“Hokay,” he grunted as he landed inside. 

“W-we can’t!” 

“C’mon,” he said, holding out his hand. 

“N-no way!” 

“Just a peek.” 

“…Just…” 

“Just what?” 

“Just for a minute.” 

She’d definitely had to think about it for a second, but in the end, she took his hand. Her desire to go inside won out over the idea that this was against the rules. Sakuta helped her scramble over the fence. 

Kaede landed inside the schoolyard on both feet, keeping her puddings safe. 

“……” 

“Your first day at school.” 

“My first night at school.” 

“Man, night school kinda sounds dirty,” he joked and started walking toward the school building. 

Kaede followed, craning her head in all directions. 

It looked like the third-year classes were on the first floor, overlooking the athletic field. Peering at the wall by the blackboard, he couldn’t make out which class it was but saw third-year written clearly. Evidently, this school made the younger kids do all the climbing. 

“Oh, this is Class 3-1,” he said, finally finding a sign at the back. 

“This is my classroom?” 

More than thirty desks and chairs. A blackboard covered in chalk dust. A podium placed at an angle. Kaede put her hands up against the glass, peering at all of it. Naturally, there was no one in the darkened space. 

A minute or two…maybe longer. She stood in silence, staring into the room. 

“Sakuta,” she said softly. 

“Mm?” 

“I’d like to come here during the day next.” 

“Now that you’ve conquered night school, you’ll have no problems.” 

“Y-you think?” 

“I mean, ghosts come out at night. Way more frightening.” 

“G-ghosts?!” Kaede let out a little shriek. 

“Mm? Did I just see something move?” he said while exaggeratedly glancing through the windows. This was a chance to wind her up a bit, after all. 

“What?! Oh no, there is something long and white!” Kaede yelped, pointing. 

“Yeah, it’s a curtain.” 

“I-it might be a ghost! I’ve learned my lesson. No more night school! W-we should get going.” 

She started pulling his arm. 

“Yeah, probably time.” 

He let her drag him across the center of the field. 

Back at the front gate, they clambered over it once more. 

Kaede stayed attached to Sakuta for a bit, but she finally let go once they could see their apartment building. 

“Sakuta.” 

“What?” 

“I can put circles next to everything in my notebook now!” 

“Oh, already? Wow.” 

“Pandas, pudding, and school make it complete!” 

“Well, we should celebrate.” 

“Yes! But I think I’m going to mark the school with a triangle.” 

“I think a circle would be just fine.” 

Kaede shook her head. 

“Only when I’ve made it there in daylight.” 

“Okay.” 

“But I feel like I can do it.” 

“Mm?” 

“I think tomorrow I’ll be able to go to school in daylight!” 

Sakuta wasn’t sure what the basis for that was coming from. But… 

“Yeah,” he said. It seemed like the natural answer. 

“I can’t wait for tomorrow!” 

Kaede smiled with the utmost confidence, and Sakuta found himself believing in her. 

“Tomorrow’s gonna be great!” Kaede said, her smile gleaming under the night sky. 

Tomorrow would be a good day. 

That was what her smile told him. 

5 

Something was tickling his mouth. 

Like someone was stroking him with a soft brush. 

No sooner was he aware of this than something licked the bridge of his nose. 

“Meow.” 

A grumpy-sounding cry penetrated his slumber. That was Nasuno. 

Sakuta half opened his eyes, staring blearily up at their tricolored cat. 

“You hungry?” 

“Mrow.” 

Nasuno was standing on his chest. 

“What time is it?” 

Fighting off the urge to go back to bed, he reached for the clock. 

It showed half past seven. Morning already. His mind started to clear. His eyes snapped open. 

The sunlight through the curtains insisted it was morning. 

Sakuta moved to get up, and Nasuno hastily jumped down onto his bed. Sakuta sat up a moment later. 

Usually, Kaede was here to wake him up by now, but there was no sign of her. Nor was she burrowed under his covers. It was weirdly quiet outside. 

“Maybe she’s trapped in bed with muscle pain again?” 

They had run all around the zoo yesterday. That might have taken its toll on her. He recalled how their trip to the beach a few weeks ago had put her completely out of commission. 

Remembering how feeble she’d been, Sakuta left his room. 

He washed his face and got breakfast ready. He was running late, so it was just toast, yogurt, and sliced tomato with eggs sunny-side up. 

He put two plates of this on the dining room table. 

No sounds emerged from Kaede’s room this whole time. 

“Kaede, breakfast’s ready. Can you get up?” he called through the door. 

“……” 

No answer. 

He had no choice. “Coming in,” he said as he opened the door before stepping into Kaede’s room. 

“Zzz… Zzz…” 

She was sound asleep. Blissfully slumbering. 

In her usual panda pajamas. 

On either side of her were the stuffed pandas they’d bought at the zoo. It almost looked like a panda and her cubs. That thought made Sakuta laugh out loud. 

“Kaede, it’s morning. You gonna sleep all day?” 

“Mm?” she grumbled. 

Her brow furrowed. An unhappy, sleepy look. 

But the expression soon relaxed. “Mm,” she groaned again, and her eyes fluttered open. 

She sat up. No muscle pain, then. She sat with her legs stretched out for a full five seconds, then said, “Mornin’.” 

She rubbed her eyes and looked up at him. 

She seemed really out of it. 

“……” 

Something about this response seemed off. Had Kaede ever said “Mornin’” like that? She normally said “Good morning!” instead. 

As that thought echoed through his mind, he started noticing more irregularities. 

Something was wrong. Different. 

A silent alarm whistle started blowing inside his head. Getting louder. And as it did, a frown appeared on her face. 

“Uh…?” she said, blinking. “You are Sakuta, right?” 

Why would she ask that? 

“…Yeah,” he said. Why was he responding like this? 

The doubt growing in his mind suddenly erupted, and his heart skipped a beat. Then two, then three, his pulse racing. 

“You grew your hair out?” 

Kaede was right in front of him but seemed so far away. 

“That doesn’t happen overnight,” he said. 

He could hear his own voice, but it felt like someone else was talking. 

“Huh? But…,” she whined. Like this didn’t make sense. It was a slightly spoiled response. 

Sakuta already had his answer. He just couldn’t find the words. 

“Uh, Kaede…” 

“What?” 

“Do you…?” The rest got stuck in his throat. 

“Spit it out already,” she said, trying to get up. “Ugh, my legs are killing me.” 

“You ran around the zoo a lot yesterday.” 

“The zoo?” She blinked at him. “We didn’t go to the zoo. What’s wrong with you?” 

She peered up at him, looking worried. 

“Uh, we did, though…” 

“We did not. I mean, yesterday… Uh, what did we do yesterday?” 

She stopped, thinking. Nothing came to mind, a fact that seemed to surprise her. 

“So you don’t remember, then.” His voice was a dry croak. 

“……?” Kaede tilted her head, totally lost. 

“You were all happy about the pandas. We bought those stuffed animals.” 

They were lying on the bed. Kaede picked one up. 

“Oh, these are cute. What about ’em, though?” she asked. 

“……” 

There was no need to keep digging. 

“Uh, wait, what’s with this room? Was my room like this?” 

This wasn’t just “off.” This was completely different. It wasn’t Kaede. 

He couldn’t stop himself from asking. 

“You’re…Kaede, then?” He meant his old sister. 

“Who else would I be? What’s gotten into you?” 

That faint smile, like she was being tickled. A smile he hadn’t seen since they lost the old Kaede. 

His racing heartbeat soon settled down. 

He wasn’t surprised or flustered. This was happening very fast, but he managed to avoid melting down in front of her. 

But his whole body felt weird. Like there was a mist over his eyes. Like everything was really far away. 

That was the only difference. His head itself was clear. “Hang on a minute,” he said. 

He left Kaede’s room and called his dad. 

“What’s the matter, Sakuta?” his father answered. 

“Kaede’s got her memories back.” 

There was a long silence. “You’re sure?” he asked at last. 

“Pretty sure. I don’t think I’d fail to recognize her.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I’m gonna take her to the hospital. Can you come?” 

“Got it. Same one?” 

“Mm-hmm.” 

“Then I’ll see you there. Take care of her for me?” 

“Got it.” 

The whole call was very calm. 

Neither of them got emotional at all. 

They hung up, and Sakuta picked up the receiver again. He needed to let the hospital know they were on their way. 

He explained her condition and that he’d like them to take a look. They said they’d be ready. 

Then he made one last call. To a taxi dispatcher. 

When they got to the hospital, the same psychiatrist and neurologist were waiting for them. 

After the initial exams, they said she’d need to stay for a few days so they could run some more detailed tests. 

Sakuta had expected that. 

“Okay,” he said, nodding. 

Sitting next to him, Kaede still didn’t seem to have a real handle on her situation. She had a look of perpetual surprise on her face. 

She seemed like she didn’t know why she was in the hospital or why they were running all these tests. 

When their father arrived, the doctor explained, “It appears that she doesn’t remember anything that happened while she had amnesia. At the moment, she doesn’t seem to really be conscious of that, but I believe in time the missing memories will cause her some consternation. Perhaps it would be best to keep her here until that settles down.” 

Their father bowed his head. “Please do,” he said. Sakuta followed suit mechanically. Everything still seemed to be removed from himself. None of it felt real. 

Once the initial examination and a few basic tests were done, Kaede was led to her room to wait. 

When Sakuta and their father finished talking to the doctors and caught up with her, she looked anxious. She still didn’t get why she was here. 

“I mean, there’s nothing wrong with me,” she said with a kinda bratty sulk. 

“She really is Kaede.” There was a quiver in their father’s voice. It had been two years since he’d seen his daughter. 

He’d been forced to bottle up his love for her, and now it was all raging through him. He’d spent two years waiting for this day to arrive, trusting that it would…and now it finally had. 

“D-Dad? What’s wrong?” 

Sakuta looked up, and there were tears in his father’s eyes. 

“No, these are just…” But there was no denying this. 

His shoulders shook. He was crying tears of joy. 

“Wh-what’s even going on? This is so awkward…,” Kaede said. 

“Yeah,” their dad said. He tried to choke it back but failed. 

“Argh,” Kaede said, looking even more lost. 

Two years since his father had seen his daughter, but Sakuta just stood there watching. It all still felt like all this was happening in some far-off place. Like it wasn’t real. Like he was watching an old movie. 

Kaede had her memories back, but he couldn’t rejoice in that fact the way his dad was. He saw the reasons to be overjoyed, and he knew it was a happy event, but the expected emotions never surfaced. They wouldn’t come out. They were clinging to something massive lurking inside him. Something that pulled them in and swallowed them. 

And whatever that massive thing was, it was getting bigger as time went on. Threatening to spill out of him. 

And once he became aware of that, he felt a heat building up behind his eyes. A prickling sensation at the back of his nose. A sob almost escaped his throat. Something inside was screaming at him to hurry. Yelling for him to get the hell out of here. 

“Gonna hit the bathroom.” After a curt remark, he was in the hall before either his father or Kaede could respond. 

And he was off down the corridor before the door closed. His pace got faster and faster, and halfway down the hall, he was at a full run. By the time he left the hospital, he was going as fast as he could. 

A nurse tried to yell at him, but he couldn’t hear her. 

He’d been happy to have the old Kaede back at first. He’d felt it when he saw how happy his father was. But those feelings were pushed aside and swept away by the huge wave that came up after them. 

Letting this new wave crest in the hospital room, in front of Kaede and his father? He’d been pretty sure that would not end well. 

His emotions had finally caught up to what was happening. And the sense of loss was swallowing up everything else. It was a monster, maw gaping wide, consuming everything in its path. 

There was no escaping it. It was inside him. But he ran anyway. That was all he could do. 

Soon the darkness caught him. 

“Augh…” 

As he left the hospital grounds, Sakuta clutched his chest, crouching down. 

“Aughhhhhhh…!” 

He couldn’t put these emotions into words. He couldn’t, but if he didn’t get them out, somehow it felt like his head would explode. 

All he could see was the ground and his own feet. He was desperately trying to hold back the tears, but big drops were already falling all around him. Only then did he notice it was raining really hard. 

“We said we’d go see the pandas again!” He yelled so loud it felt like his throat nearly tore open. “You said you’d go so many times that the pass would pay for itself!” 

He was venting everything raging within. 

“You said you thought you’d finally make it to school tomorrow. You said…you would…” 

The words were crumbling. His voice cracked. His heart was shattering. 

“That’s what you said, Kaede!” 

The rain slammed against his back, but he couldn’t feel it. He could only feel one thing. A single, searing pain. 

“Owww…” 

His hand clutched his chest. 

It hurt. Hurt beyond all measure. 

He looked down, and something red was seeping through his T-shirt. 

“……” 

His fingers were turning red now. 

His plain T-shirt had been stained red from the inside. 

“…God damn it,” he muttered. 

Such a simple thing to say in the face of this inexplicable event. No pain or surprise. 

“God damn it,” he said again. 

The red stain steadily spread. 

He didn’t know why the hell this was happening, but he’d seen this happen before. It was the Adolescence Syndrome that had beset him two years earlier. 

He knew logically that this was that same thing happening again. And that was exactly why his response was just pure irritation. All it did was piss him off. 

Why now? Of all the moments to come back, why get in his way now? 

“God damn it…” 

This should have elicited stronger emotion, but it came out limp. His body just couldn’t keep up. Emotions with no outlet flailed uselessly. 

All he could do was crouch there, unable to stand, like he’d forgotten how to move. 

“What the hell…why this?! Why now?!” 

These questions were without a doubt directed at himself, at his own shortcomings. 

Berating himself made his chest hurt even more. It hurt and it hurt and it hurt until he couldn’t tell left from right. He couldn’t even raise his head. All he could do was watch raindrops splatter against the pavement. 

Then a pair of shoes entered his field of view. Small feet. Not a man’s—this was a girl. 

“You’re okay.” 

Sakuta’s mind was fading out, but he caught her voice. 

“You’re okay.” 

He heard it again. He wasn’t imagining it. 

He moved as if controlled by that voice, lifting his head. He felt like he had to. The girl’s voice had that kind of power. 

Heedless of the wet ground, she sat down next to Sakuta. Her hand on his shoulders, peering into his face. 

“You’re okay, Sakuta.” 

He knew her face. 

“……” 

He couldn’t think anymore. He had no idea what was going on. Only one thing rose out of the chaos in his mind. 

Her name. 

It had been so, so long. But her name still mattered to him. 

And like a child who’s just learned to read, he said her name out loud. 

“Shouko.” 

She smiled at him. 

“Yes. It’s me. I’m here now, and you’re going to be okay.” 

6 

He could hear the sound of rain. 

Falling somewhere far away. 

No, it only felt far away because he was inside and the window were closed. 

He knew this room. Of course he did. Sakuta was in his own room. 

Sitting on the side of the bed he always slept in. 

The curtains were open. The rain outside was coming down hard. The sound of it just underscored how quiet it was inside. 

It was like his room had been cut off from the rest of the world. All the sounds seemed far away. 

With that thought, it finally dawned on Sakuta that he was home. 

“Why am I…?” 

His question was interrupted by a knock. 

Even with the rain outside, this noise came loud and clear. 

“Have you changed yet?” 

The knock was followed by a gentle voice. There was a familiar warmth to it. Just hearing this voice made him want to cry. 

But no tears came. His tear ducts did not respond at all. 

“You’re not answering, so I’m coming in. If you’re half-changed, this is your own fault.” 

The door opened a crack, and Shouko poked her head in. 

“Why, you haven’t changed at all,” she said, opening the door all the way. 

Seeing her, Sakuta finally remembered how he’d gotten here. Shouko had shown up out of nowhere and taken him home. 

She’d removed his soaked shoes and socks, then pushed him into his room, ordering him to change out of the rest of his wet things. 

But the moment he was alone in his room, he’d ceased to care about anything. He’d slumped down on the edge of his bed, unable to summon the energy to move at all. 

“You’ll catch a cold!” 

She wrapped a towel around his head and used it to dry his hair—being a bit rough with him. 

“Okay, arms up.” 

He did as he was told. She pulled his long-sleeved T-shirt off. A bolt of pain shot through his chest. The shirt she just tore away had been stuck to the dried blood on his chest. 

Three claw marks on his chest. 

They looked like discolored welts, still healed over. Though now stained with dried blood. As was the long-sleeved T-shirt. It was soaked through with his blood. 

He had so many questions. If his wounds hadn’t opened, why had that much blood appeared? Enough to dye his clothes red? Why had the mysterious hemorrhage stopped? If the pain had been real, why was he okay now? 

And most of all, he had questions about Shouko. 

The Shouko rummaging around in his closet wasn’t the first-year junior high Shouko Makinohara he’d met this summer. 

This was the Shouko he’d met on the beach at Shichirigahama two years ago. And as far as he could tell, she had grown two years older in the meantime. 

Everything about this situation was a mystery. Enigmatic. Baffling. 

But even as questions swirled around him, Sakuta felt like he didn’t want to know the answers. 

He didn’t even care about that. 

The only thing he cared about was the Kaede he’d lost. 

That loss was so overwhelming it just made everything else seem unimportant. 

Events around him seemed distant and hazy. Like there was a mist over everything. 

Beyond that mist, Shouko turned toward him, having fished out a change of clothes from his closet. A new long-sleeved T-shirt and the pants from the tracksuit he wore around the house. Even a pair of underwear. 

“I think the bath is almost ready. You’d better get in.” 

Shouko came over to him. 

When he looked up, she grabbed his arms and pulled forcibly, trying to yank him to his feet. 

He didn’t see the point in fighting her, so he let her win. 

Shouko maneuvered around behind him and pushed him into the changing room. 

“Do you need me to take your pants and underwear off, too?” That almost sounded like a serious question. 

“I can manage.” 

He couldn’t be bothered to think. 

His socks and shirt were already gone, so he dropped the rest of his clothes on the floor. Shouko was still here, and she said something, but he paid her no attention. 

Moving away from her little shriek, he stepped into the bathroom and closed the door. 

“G-geez, nobody asked to see that! I-I’ll put your fresh clothes here.” 

Shouko was fuming away on the other side of the cloudy glass door. What was she so worked up about? 

He scooped some water out of the bath and poured it over his head. His chest wounds were definitely healed. They didn’t sting at all. 

Once in the bathwater, it felt like some sensations returned to his body. 

He stared at the ceiling for a while. 

Then he said “Shouko” without consciously deciding to do so. 

He could tell she was still in the changing room. 

“Yes?” she asked. 

“I…couldn’t do anything.” 

No emotion in his voice. 

“That’s not true.” 

“But Kaede’s…” 

He was just stating the truth. 

“You did great, Sakuta.” 

“What do you know, Shouko?” 

The words were just sounds. There was no feeling or force behind them. They came out flat, the total opposite of the warmth in Shouko’s tone. It didn’t feel like his voice. But it was definitely Sakuta talking. 

“I know you feel regret because you think there might have been more you could have done for Kaede.” 

“……” 

“I know everything,” she said. 

She’d said things like that a lot. He remembered that about her and thought it was funny, but he didn’t laugh. He wasn’t in the mood. The gaping hole inside him was still swallowing all of that up. There was nothing left inside but an arid wind. The hollow sound it made echoed within him. 

“Did Kaede ever act like you’d done something wrong?” 

“……” 

“She only ever acted like she adored you, Sakuta.” 

Shouko’s voice was so warm. You could hear her heart in it. 

“…Maybe I could have done more.” 

Before he knew it, the pain inside him was spilling out. He spat out the words like he was casting a curse on himself. 

“You’ll have to do that the next chance you get.” 

“But Kaede doesn’t have another chance.” 

“If you keep this up, I’ll feel sorry for her.” 

“……” 

“She did everything she could to make sure you wouldn’t be left with all these regrets.” 

“……” 

He couldn’t process what she meant. What did she even mean by next chance? 

“Kaede was trying to make sure you knew that she was happy being with you.” 

“……” 

“I feel sorry for Kaede if those feelings didn’t reach you.” 

Shouko’s outline in the clouded glass grew more distinct. 

Then it shrank to half the height. 

She’d sat down outside the bathroom door. 

He could see something in her silhouette’s hand. It was square. Shouko opened it like a book. 

“‘I’m starting a diary today. Kaede’s diary. Sakuta gave me a new name, all hiragana. He bought me this notebook, too.’” 

Shouko was clearly reading something aloud. 

Sakuta knew exactly what it was. The notebook he’d given Kaede. That thick volume she’d used as a diary, stuffing it full of her thoughts. 

But he had no idea what she’d written in there. 

Shouko began to quietly read the rest. 

I have a father, a mother, and a brother. 

But I don’t know them. 

I’m told I have no memories. 

The doctor said it was amnesia caused by a “dissociative disorder.” 

I don’t know what that means. 

I’m told I was someone else before. 

A different Kaede. Old Kaede. 

But I don’t know that Kaede. 

I’ve never met her. 

This is so hard. 

Today Mom and the doctor have been talking a lot. 

Talking about my illness. 

Am I sick? 

I don’t have a fever. 

I’m not coughing. 

My nose isn’t running. 

I feel fine. 

But Mom keeps asking the doctor when I’ll be better. 

And that hurts. 

What will happen to me if the other Kaede’s memories come back? 

Will I become her? 

Where will I go? 

Thinking about it is scary and makes me want to cry. 

Mom and Dad seem really unhappy. 

They always pat my head and say, “Take your time.” 

But I don’t get it. 

I’m me. I’m not her. 

I got sad and cried a lot. 

I said something really mean. 

I told Mom and Dad I didn’t want to be with them. 

I’m sorry. 

But I’m not that Kaede, and it hurts. 

It hurts when I see them looking for her. 

I’m going to move. 

To another city. A place called Fujisawa. 

Sakuta said it’s close to Enoshima. 

We’re getting ready to move today. 

Sakuta said I should choose what I want to bring. 

I don’t know what to do with the things in Kaede’s room. 

The bed and desk and cushions are cute. I like them, but I just can’t ever feel like it’s my room with them around. 

I decided to only take the books and bookshelf. 

There are a lot of books by the same author as the novel Sakuta bought me. I want to read them. 

Kaede’s book collection. There’s a lot of them. 

Nasuno’s coming with us! 

We’re at the new house. 

I have a new room. 

The bed, desk, cushion, and curtains are all things I picked looking at a catalog with Sakuta. He got them all for me. 

I’ve decided this is where I’m going to become the best little sister. 

I’m going to try to become Sakuta’s little sister for real. 

I don’t know how long that will take. 

I think I’ll get better eventually. 

And getting better means Kaede will come back. 

It was Sakuta who made me the Kaede I am. So in this new house, I’m going to be the best little sister I can be, for him. 

Sakuta will be a high school student in the spring. 

He’s going to a place called Minegahara High. 

He said you can see the ocean from the school windows. 

I would like to go see it. 

But I’m afraid to go outside. 

I feel like everyone is mad at me for not being old Kaede, and it’s scary. 

Being looked at like I’m a fake is scary. 

Can I not just be me? 

Sakuta made dinner. 

It was not very good. 

But I said it was tasty anyway. 

Sakuta said, “This is awful!” 

Sakuta’s getting better at cooking. 

He’s improving so fast, you can almost hear him whizzing by. 

He said the secret is to follow the recipe. 

Sakuta got a job. 

He comes home very late now. 

It’s lonely, but Nasuno and I can guard the house together. 

Sakuta used his first paycheck to buy a DVD about pandas. 

Pandas are great. They make everything better. 

Sakuta brought a professional home with him. 

I’m trying to be an understanding sister and close my eyes to these things. 

She was very pretty. 

Sakuta has a girlfriend now! 

I don’t believe it! 

But it’s true! 

I still don’t believe it! 

It’s the professional—I mean, the girl from the other day. Her name is Mai Sakurajima. 

She’s even prettier than I thought. 

I’m worried she’s tricking him. 

I read a book about honey traps, and I’m very worried. 

Mai is really nice. 

She’s on TV and very popular. 

That’s amazing. I could never do that. 

She’s really amazing. 

She gave me some clothes. 

Sakuta’s friend is staying with us now. 

Rio Futaba. 

She has very big boobs. 

I wish she’d lend me some. 

Rio says she wishes she could be tall like I am. 

Can we trade? 

I am too tall for a little sister. 

Sakuta has become a delinquent! 

Actually, that was a misunderstanding. 

Nodoka is Mai’s little sister. 

She is very sparkly. 

A real idol! 

She’s very nice to me. 

I have lots of dreams these days. 

Dreams in which I’m little and playing with little Sakuta. 

Drawing pictures, playing house. 

But I didn’t do these things. 

I’ve never been little. 

I only know big Sakuta. 

I know one thing for sure. 

Sakuta regrets a lot of things. 

About the other Kaede. 

He regrets not being able to help her when she was suffering and being bullied. 

He never told me about this, but I can tell. 

If I were to vanish, I know he would have regrets. He would feel like he hadn’t done anything for me. 

So I’ve made a lot of goals. 

Goals the two of us can accomplish together. 

I don’t want him to regret it if I’m gone. 

I want him to be proud that he made my dreams come true. 

I want to leave him with lots of fun, happy, laugh-filled memories. Not sad ones. 

I’d like it if he could remember me with a smile even when I’m gone. 

I’m going to work hard to make that happen. 

I have a bruise on my arm. 

I’ve seen this kind of bruise before. 

Sakuta is worried, so I hope it heals soon. 

Somebody inside me is very scared. 

It’s like they’re crying because they’re scared to come out. 

But it’s okay. 

Sakuta is here, and everything will be okay. 

The ocean was very big. 

The waves were loud! 

The onigiri Mai made were very good. 

Sakuta had fun, too, so I was very happy. 

I hope we can all go to the beach again. 

I woke up in the hospital. 

Apparently, I collapsed all of a sudden and wouldn’t wake up. 

They did a lot of tests. Apparently, I am healthy. 

But Sakuta doesn’t look so good. 

The way he looks at me is very sad. 

I think I don’t have much time left. 

I’m scared. 

I’m dreaming every night. 

I know what that means. 

These are Kaede’s memories. 

That’s why I’m scared. 

I don’t know how much longer I can be me. 

I don’t know if I can put circles by all my goals. 

I’m scared I’ll leave Sakuta with regrets. 

Please. 

I just need a bit more time. 

I want Sakuta to smile when he remembers me. 

I want all his memories to be filled with laughter. 

So I just need a little longer. 

Thanks to Sakuta, I managed to put victory circles next to lots of things! 

With flowers! 

I was too scared to go outside, but I can do that now. 

We went over to Mai’s house. 

I rode the train. 

We played on the beach. 

We had a picnic! 

I saw the pandas! 

We cheated a bit, but I went to school! 

All because Sakuta helped. 

Sakuta has made me very happy. 

I’m happy I could be Sakuta’s little sister. 

I love him now, tomorrow, and forever! 

Tomorrow we’re going to school in daylight. 

He couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. 

Sakuta was curled up in the bathtub, bawling like a little kid. 

He had no way of fighting off these feelings. 

He was being tossed around by external forces he had no means of contesting. 

But he tried to resist anyway. 

He turned the shower on, trying to hide the sobs. He stuck his head under the water, trying to wipe the tears away. But they wouldn’t stop. 

The feelings in his chest just kept swelling up. 

The feelings Kaede had left him with. Warm feelings. 

“No need to hold it in.” 

It was Shouko’s voice coming from outside the bathroom door. 

She could hear his sobbing, even with the shower running. 

“You’re an idiot, Sakuta.” 

“I can’t cry!” he wailed. His voice was so choked with sobs it was probably not intelligible. Even he wasn’t sure what he’d said. “She wouldn’t want me to cry here!” 

She’d worked hard for this moment. 

Done everything she could to leave him with a smile. 

She’d set all those goals so he wouldn’t regret a thing. 

She’d worked so hard to make him into a good brother who looked after his sister. 

She’d made him into a great brother, one who made his sister’s wishes come true. 

Sakuta was certain he wasn’t allowed to cry. 

“Kaede did so much! I can’t ruin it now.” 

“Yeah, you’re right about that,” Shouko said. 

Her warm voice softly accepting his feelings. 

“You make a good point, Sakuta. But right now? You’re allowed to cry.” 

“But Kaede…” 

“Like the flower circles in her notebook, this grief is something important that she gave you. It’s proof of how much she meant to you.” 

“!” 

“You’re her big brother, so you’ve got to deal with all of it.” 

Even when Shouko scolded him, she was nice. And there were tears in her voice, too. 

“Unh…uagh…ahh…” 

Sakuta was still trying to stifle his sobs. 

“Ahhh…auughhhhh!” 

But he couldn’t hold them back any longer. 

Shouko’s words had struck the soft part of his heart with uncanny accuracy. 

Kaede had given him this grief. 

It was proof of the two years they’d lived together. 

These feelings came from the memories of her seared into his mind. 

And nothing that important could be sealed away inside or denied. 

“Aughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!” 

The shower water slammed against his head so hard it almost hurt. Sakuta threw his head back like a bawling child, crying out loud. Letting his emotions run wild as they pleased. 

So that he could go on living with Kaede’s memories. 

So that one day he could talk about her with a smile. 

Remember her with warmth. 

Memory after memory of his time with Kaede floated into Sakuta’s head, and he cried like a lost child. 

7 

It felt like there was a cavernous pit in his belly. 

Sakuta was woken up the next morning by an unbearable hunger. 

His stomach was making very loud noises. 

The sounds were so loud they startled him awake. 

He put one hand on his empty stomach and sat up. 

Another stomach growl echoed across the room. 

“Guess I’m hungry,” he said. His voice was a rasp. Caught in his throat. 

The cause was half extreme starvation and half because he’d cried his eyes out the day before. 

He’d gone to bed like that, so his cheeks were covered in dried tears. 

He got up to go wash his face. In the mirror over the sink, his eyes were certainly puffy, but otherwise it was his default sleepy expression. 

He scrubbed his face with cold water. 

That banished the last traces of slumber. His mind was clear again. 

He glanced in the mirror once more. 

“You look awful,” he said aloud. And then laughed. “And you’re insanely hungry.” 

The pit in his belly wasn’t a joke. He genuinely felt you could see a depression there. It wasn’t often he felt this hungry. This was what a truly empty belly felt like. 

And this sensation struck him as funny. 

The more time passed, the more he saw the humor in it. He chuckled out loud. His shoulders shook with laughter. He couldn’t stop cracking up. The dried tears around his eyes stung. 

He didn’t want to stop laughing. He couldn’t. 

No matter how much fun you have, no matter how sad you get, no matter how much you rail against the universe—your emotions don’t matter. You still get hungry all the same. 

And his body’s obliviousness felt really good right now. Sakuta was grateful for it. This reminder of the daily routine had made him remember what laughter felt like. And once he started laughing, things didn’t seem to matter so much. 

He couldn’t dwell on it forever. 

When he finally stopped chuckling, he went to the kitchen. 

He grabbed a slice of bread and took a huge bite. Didn’t stop to toast it or spread any jam or margarine. He just savored the natural sweetness of white bread. It was never something he paid much attention to, but bread did have a flavor. 

He grabbed a tomato from the fridge and rinsed it off, then bit right into it. Juicy. The liquid passed through his throat, seeping into his dried-out body. 

Sakuta ate quickly, rose to his feet, then took a shower and changed into his uniform. It was a weekday. An ordinary Wednesday. There would be classes to attend, just like always. 

Shouko had placed three dining room chairs in a row and was curled up on them, sound asleep. 

He left a note for her— 

Off to school. 

—and left the house a full hour early. 

He walked alone down the road outside. 

The cold morning air felt good. 

Like it was purifying his body. 

His steps felt light. 

Sakuta was not headed to school. 

His first stop was the hospital, where Kaede was. 

It wasn’t visiting hours yet, but when he stepped up to the nurses’ station, someone recognized him and let him in. 

He bowed and headed to Kaede’s room. 

He stopped outside the door and knocked without hesitation. 

Twice. 

“C-come in!” Kaede said, sounding a bit nervous. 

Sakuta opened the door. 

“Oh,” she said when she saw him. Her jaw dropped. 

“Mornin’.” 

“Oh, right, mornin’.” 

He shut the door behind him and sat down on a stool by the bed. 

“What happened to you yesterday?” Kaede asked. 

“Mm?” 

“You went to the bathroom and never came back.” 

“I had the worst diarrhea, and now me and that toilet are best friends for life.” 

That was the first excuse that crossed his mind. He couldn’t exactly tell her the truth. 

“Wow, that’s gross.” 

She pulled away from him. 

“More importantly, Kaede…” 

“What?” 

“Do you like pandas?” 

“Huh? Where’d that come from?” 

“Do you?” 

She thought about it. “…I guess so, yeah.” 

“Then when you get out, we should go see them.” 

“Fine, but why?” 

“I just want to. You should join me.” 

“Since when do you like pandas?” 

Kaede frowned at him. This was new information to her, clearly. 

“It’s a new thing.” 

“Huh.” 

She looked skeptical. 

“Aren’t you, like, in high school now?” 

“High school boys are allowed to like pandas.” 

“N-not that. I mean…instead of doing things with your sister, shouldn’t you have a girlfriend and be taking her on dates?” 

The grin that slipped out suggested she was making fun of him. 

“I mean, I’ll come along. I feel sorry for you, after all.” 

She was definitely assuming Sakuta didn’t have a girlfriend. 

“Just to be clear, I do have a girlfriend.” 

“……What?!” 

That was a very delayed response. 

“You’re kidding!!” 

“Is it really such a shock?” 

“Y-you?! A girlfriend?!” 

Apparently, Sakuta getting a girlfriend was a monumental crisis for her. But if she was this surprised already, she was in trouble. Who he was dating was going to be a way bigger shock. 

“I’ll introduce you later. Brace yourself.” 

Nobody would ever suspect their brother was dating Mai Sakurajima. It would blow her mind. 

“I—I can’t believe you’re seeing someone…” 

“We’re still stuck on this?” 

“I mean…” 

Sakuta talked to her until he was in real danger of being late for school. They chatted about nothing in particular, but that was how it should be. That was how family talked. About whatever crossed your mind. Siblings who could do that were doing all right. 

They just had to pass the time together, living ordinary lives. Thinking about new Kaede still made him want to cry, but even with that prickling sensation at the back of his nose, he knew he just had to take one day at a time, and he’d get through it. 

And something new would grow.