Chapter 83
CHAPTER 83: EMPTINESS
「Ojou-sama, dinner is ready」
「……Yes」
I stayed inside my room without ever coming out . The documents for today’s lecture, which were prepared yesterday, were scattered about the room . Despair ruled my heart, and I did not feel like doing anything .
How did this happen?
Both Natalia and Mary were treading carefully with me . They dared not say anything .
「……」
I kept silent, left the room, and headed to the dining room .
Honestly, I am not hungry at all . Rather, I actually did not want to eat .
My heart felt like it had a gaping hole in it .
And that hole—had no one who could fill it .
My tears had stopped for some reason .
I thought I would keep crying for a long, long time, but it strangely stopped . Instead, my heart was left with an overwhelming emptiness .
To the point where I felt like nothing matters .
A world which had lost color had nothing pleasant in it . I could only feel despair for the future to come .
「……I have kept you waiting, Father, Mother」
「Aah……have a seat, Carol」
「Then, Chris . Serve the food」
「Y-Yes」
My father and mother were already in the dining room . My father seemed somewhat discomfited, while my mother looked as usual .
I could not see my elder brother around . He just had his triumphal return today, and there must be some work to do .
The dinner Chris lined up before my eyes—did not look anything delicious .
Only the clinking of the tableware could be heard .
There was no conversation .
I merely put the food into my mouth, chewed without tasting, and forced it down my narrow throat .
As I ate one bite, two bites, I became nauseous .
「……I am done . Please clear it away」
「Carol, you should eat a little more……」
「I am already full……」
I could not force down any more than this .
I had not eaten lunch in my room, but I still could not bring myself to eat at all .
I could not taste either; my sense of taste might have numbed .
This was—a world without color .
「……Then, please excuse me」
「All right . Have a good rest, Carol」
「……」
I could not respond anything to such good wishes of my mother .
Have a good rest, and then what?
What should I do starting tomorrow?
Something like my future had been closed off .
As it were—I wanted to die more and more .
「Carol」
「……yes, Father」
「That……do not be too disheartened . It truly was unfortunate about Wilhelm-dono……」
「……」
Do not be too disheartened .
Why would you ask such an impossible request, Father?
Who would fill this heart of mine after losing Wilhelm-sama, who I had longed for with all my heart?
A hollowed heart would never move again .
「Well, even so, Carol」
「……」
「While it was unfortunate, is it not a good thing you have not yet married? Had you married, you would have been a widow at the age of sixteen . Hahaha」
「……」
「Hahaha……」
「Gilliam」
「……forgive me」
I could only reply with silence to such tactless words of my father .
I did not fly into a rage and go, “What good thing?!” I did not lash out with, “Why are you laughing?”
Because my heart did not move .
A person’s heart is like a surface of water .
A stimulus would cause a ripple, and it would shake with a slight movement . Sometimes like a stormy sea, other times like a calm lake .
But right now, my heart was frozen .
It did not ripple, nor did it shake . All that was left for it was—to break and crumble away .
Therefore, at my father’s words, my heart remained unmoved .
「……If there is nothing else, I will return to my room」
「W-Wait, Carol! 」
「……Yes」
My father stopped me from leaving my seat .
What other matters did he have with me? I am already tired .
My father cleared his throat .
「To tell you the truth, Carol…」
「……Yes」
「The other day, Royal Prince Raul’s eldest son, His Highness Edward—our next king, visited our house」
「……Yes」
He meant Edward-san, yes? We did meet the other day .
But what of it? It had nothing to do with me .
My engagement with His Highness Rayford had already been broken . My engagement with Wilhelm-sama was unfortunately the same .
Should I just go to a temple and become a nun?
「At that time, he talked about getting Carol……to be his…fiancée」
「……」
「W-Well, I refused . After all, at that time, Carol was already engaged to Wilhelm-dono . So……uhh, after he heard about Carol’s feelings, I asked him to take his leave……」
「……」
「Gilliam, this is the first time I have heard of this matter」
「Like I said, I refused . Since I had refused, it need not reach your ears……」
「……」
Oh, I see .
So you were thinking of making me your fiancée, Edward-san?
「Then, why do you say this now? 」
「Er, well……that…since Wilhelm-dono has died in battle……」
「How tactless can you get?! Disregarding Carol’s feelings to that extent……! 」
「B-But……! 」
My father and mother began arguing like that .
Were you thinking of making a person, whose face you did not know then, your fiancée, Edward-san?
Perhaps, the Queen recommended it . I am grateful that I was valued so highly .
「The engagement with His Highness Rayford as well, you proceeded all on your own……! 」
「W-Were we not over that?! Moreover, I have properly refused with His Highness Edward! But now that it is like this, Carol does not even have a companion……」
「Do you not understand how tactless you are being?! How much Carol loved Wilhelm-sama……! 」
「W-Well, that……! 」
「……That is enough . Father . Mother」
I said to my mother who was standing and scolding my father .
Enough .
If you wanted to use me that much, then do so .
Carol Ambrose is the daughter of a ducal household .
Originally, I did not have any right to choose my marriage partner .
Being engaged with Wilhelm-sama was a miracle .
A reward given to me by God for a short while .
The time for dreaming was over .
「Please proceed with the proposal, Father」
「Carol……? 」
「Carol, what are you saying……! 」
「However……」
This was just returning to how it was .
Returning to the time when my fiancé, His Highness Rayford, and I had no love for each other .
I only had a short happy dream in that interval .
But .
Even so .
「Even if I married His Highness Edward, I do not think I can love him」
Because my love…
…was dedicated only to Wilhelm-sama— .
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