A Book Dedicated to Our Youth - Volume 3 - Chapter 7.1

V3C7.1 Awkward, Happy Beijing
Youth was so short, yet I met the one I loved when the flowers bloomed; life was so fleeting, and yet I was loved by the one who mattered most to me in my most beautiful year.

We loved each other at the end of the world; though our ending was to part at the edge, I had no regrets. My only regret was that I didn’t love him enough.

I spent an entire night tossing and turning and unable to sleep, feeling like I should slap Zhang Jun the entire time, then feeling like I should slap myself first.

My head still hurt when we got up in the morning. It was a good thing that we were visiting the Beijing Planetarium so that I didn’t have to strain myself.

I wore a sun hat and hid myself amongst the crowds, avoiding Zhang Jun, wishing desperately that I owned an invisibility cloak. I thought in indignation, why was this world so strange? He was the one that did the wrong thing, so why was I hiding? But reason belonged to reason, my actions still cowardly without a doubt.

I was too tired, so I had completely forgotten what I saw and heard in the planetarium. The only thing I still remembered was when the teacher took us to the great hall to talk about the reason behind the extinction of the dinosaurs.

The ceiling of the hall was domed. When the lights all turned off, the entire ceiling formed a vast heaven, countless stars shining in all their brilliance, beautiful beyond mankind’s simple imagination.

With the narrator’s voice, it felt as if we were part of the universe itself, watching the comet that struck the Earth billions of years ago, killing the dinosaurs, with our own eyes.

Those programs were one of my favourites, but the dark surroundings, the brilliant night sky, and the comfortable temperature within the hall all made me gradually fall asleep.

It felt as if I had only slept for a little before someone woke me up. I immediately opened my eyes to see that Zhang Jun was sitting next to me.

Everyone had started to exit the hall and all the seats around us were vacant. He stared at me silently, and I glared at him, my brain yet to wake properly.

The hall was now empty yet we still remained in our positions, glaring at each other.

A staff member came and prompted us, “Students, the exhibition has already finished.”

Zhang Jun tugged on my sleeves and murmured, “Let’s go.”

I followed him back to the lobby, barely awake. Everyone was buying souvenirs as well as all kinds of dinosaur toys.

He brought me over. “Do you want one?”

I nodded, then shook my head, my thoughts jumbled up, still struggling to decide whether I should beat him up or not.

He bought one of each dinosaur, spending quite a lot of money. “Are you trying to open a dinosaur exhibition?” Master Zhen joked.

Zhen Jun smiled and didn’t reply.

When I had finally finished sorting out my jumbled brain, I realized that I had missed the perfect time for a tantrum, and I immediately ran away to find Lin Yiran. “Why did you not tell me when you left?”

Lin Yiran looked behind me, not speaking. I turned around. Zhang Jun, like a ghost, had followed me over and was standing right behind me. 

On the bus, I normally sat with Lin Yiran, but on the return trip, Zhang Jun asked to swap seats with her and sat next to me.

I thought that he wanted to say something, an excuse, an explanation, an apology. It didn’t matter what but he needed to say something for me to retaliate, but for the entire trip, he remained silent. I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep, appearing perfectly composed, but inside I was completely lost.

When we went to the canteen to eat dinner, he didn’t sit with the guys either, but rather with Lin Yiran and I, casually helping us set up the table. Lin Yiran looked at him in shock, I stared at him in confusion, but he didn’t explain anything and continued to set the table.

These past few days, we had always antagonized the other as if wishing to kill them. Even last night at dinner, we fought with each other, turning the entire table’s atmosphere stiff and awkward. Yet today, the atmosphere between us took a sharp turn, sitting together, eating together, even I felt strange about it, let alone outsiders.

Shen Yuanzhe walked over with a tray and smiled. “You two are finally getting along now. How did you resolve the misunderstanding?”

I kept eating and refused to answer. Zhang Jun smiled and started talking about other things. Shen Yuanzhe attempted to bring the topic back onto me and Zhang Jun several times but Zhang Jun kept avoiding it.

When we had finished eating and returned to our dorms, most people were still mucking around together, but I ran straight back to my room.

The next day on the bus, Lin Yiran and I had already sat down but Zhang Jun walked over the instance he got on and asked to change seats with Lin Yiran. It wasn’t such a big deal and she had always been bad at saying no to others, so she agreed immediately. 

Zhang Jun sat next to me again. Butterflies started fluttering in my stomach but thanks to my constantly frozen facial expression, no one could tell what I was really feeling. 

Today we were visiting Beihai Park and the Beijing Zoo. For the entire day, no matter where I went, he would follow me. If I ignored him, he would remain silent, if I walked faster, he would speed up, if I walked slowly, he would slow down, if I was talking with Lin Yiran, he would stand next to us fiddling with his phone, if there was ever a particular object or scene that piqued my interest, he would silently wait for me. No matter what I said, what I did, he didn’t scorn me, just following me, making the hair on the back of my skin rise, unsure of what he was trying to do. 

I attempted to sneak away a couple of times, but in the middle of a group excursion, there really wasn’t anywhere for me to sneak to. He was always able to find me again and continued to follow me like a ghostly shadow. In the end, I gave up on these pointless attempts and just completely ignored him. 

Although it was strange, we were still able to peacefully interact for an entire day. An entire day! 

When we returned for the night, he still sat by my side on the bus, and during dinner, he was still sitting next to me on the table. Shen Yuanzhe and Lin Yiran both stared at him curiously but he remained perfectly calm, chatting and laughing with them like a normal person, but not talking to me. Of course, the same treatment was returned right back.

On the third day, the same thing happened. He was always next to me, following me, taking care of me, but doing all of it without a word, so there was nothing I could say back to him.

I was starting to have enough of it. On an emotional level, I craved for these kinds of days to continue, but on a logical level, I knew that I shouldn’t allow this to continue, otherwise, there would be no good ending for me.

I was different from Zhang Jun. He could afford to play around with his love life, I couldn’t.

After dinner, I immediately returned to the dorms just like the previous two days, and thought about my possible actions as I showered. After I finished showering, I changed into a dress and decided that I needed to talk things through with Zhang Jun. 

Zhang Jun, Master Jia, Master Zhen and a few other boys were playing basketball at the courts with Huang Wei and some other girls spectating.

I walked to the side of the court and silently stood there. The seven boys were split into two teams, playing an unevenly split match, but everyone was immersed in the game. Zhang Jun’s skills were truly outstanding, and the spectators constantly cheered for him.

Yang Jun was also very good at basketball. It’s such a shame that he wasn’t able to come, otherwise the two would surely have become good friends.

My thoughts wandered and I decided that I wasn’t brave enough to call him over in front of everyone, so I turned away in silence with a bowed head, kicking pebbles on the road as I walked. 

Behind me came the sound of hurried footsteps. Before I was able to turn around, a person whose body emanated heat had already come next to me. It was Zhang Jun. His neck and elbow were both covered in sweat, his cheeks flushed from exercise, the smell of a masculine and healthy boy coming off him.

At that moment, I didn’t know why, but my face suddenly flushed. I hurriedly turned my face away and stared down at the ground, striding forwards.

He didn’t say anything and followed me silently.

After a while, the pounding in my heart slowly calmed and my footsteps slowed down. He slowed down with me.

I stopped walking and turned around to look at him. He also stopped immediately.

I buried all the mixed emotions down to the bottom of my heart and said calmly, “I’ve already accepted your apology so please don’t follow me around tomorrow. I’ll forget about all the animosity between us, so let’s just pretend that nothing has happened and leave each other alone.”

He stared at me, his chest heaving violently as if something was trying to break free from the inside to jump out, but after a while, he became calm again and said lightly, “I’m gonna go play basketball now.” With that, he ran back to the courts.

I exhaled, letting go of the pressure that had been bearing down on my chest and immediately walked in the opposite direction. I was scared that if I was even slightly slower, I would regret it. 

That night, insomnia gripped me again. My heart struggled, sometimes logic taking the high ground, certain that my decision was correct, sometimes emotion, scorning me for digging my own grave. What was the point?

But, it didn’t matter what I thought now because with a pride like Zhang Jun’s, he would only turn away instantly. 

At midnight, it started pouring. Amidst the thundering and the pattering of rain against the window, whatever notions of sleep I had were immediately driven away. I could only lie there and listen to the wind and rain, a million thoughts churning away in my head.

When I got up in the morning, I felt a little groggy. Remembering that I would see Zhang Jun again soon, I suddenly felt weak. 

After our bathroom routine I went with Lin Yiran to eat breakfast together. We had arrived at the canteen and were just about to order our food when someone called out to me, “Luo Qiqi.”

It was Zhang Jun’s voice. I stood frozen for a solid three seconds before I turned around.

Zhang Jun didn’t look too well, maybe because of a bad night’s sleep. His face was expressionless and said in a very calm voice, “I’ve already helped you and Lin Yiran get your breakfast.”

Before I was able to speak, Lin Yiran had already replied, smiling. “Thanks.” I could only follow him in confusion to our table. Shen Yuanzhe smiled at me from the side, his face also pale like he hadn’t gotten enough sleep.

I ate breakfast as if I was in a trance. Just what I had actually eaten, I had no idea.

On the bus, Lin Yiran was about to sit beside me when Zhang Jun extended his arm onto the back of the seat, blocking her. “Excuse me, but I’ll be taking a prolonged occupation of this seat.”

Lin Yiran blinked, smiled and moved to the seat behind us.

Zhang Jun sat down next to me. I turned my head, gazing out the window, pretending to be intently studying the scenes outside the bus even though my heart was fluttering nervously.

The bus sped along the highway. Some students were singing, some laughing and chatting, but Zhang Jun remained silent the entire time.

I kept trying to brew up courage to turn around, but it never came to me. When my neck had almost become rock solid and the window melted from under my gaze, I finally mustered up the courage to turn around calmly, preparing for a stern conversation with Zhang Jun, to be met with him deeply asleep, his head against the chair.

My fake composure morphed into disappointed resentment; whilst I was there, so conflicted that my neck became sore, he was sleeping happily, not knowing a thing.

But soon, my resentment vanished.

The mild summer morning’s sun shone rays of light through the window onto his face. The bus’ window was a dark blue, dying the light into different crystalline shades that danced along with the car’s movement. Amidst that overflowing light and shining crystal, he slept peacefully.

Suddenly, a scene from many years ago revisited my heart. The bright summer sun slipped through the leaves of overhead trees, the river flowing along gently, and he lay on a rock, sleeping, warm winds blowing through our fingertips, so warm, so pure…

So many years had passed without our knowing, and we had already become the once unreachable high school students.

My heart was soft as the flower petals of April, a gentle touch would reduce it to tears. I lightly drew up the curtains, hiding away the sunlight, leaned sideways against the chair and silently gazed at him.

I hadn’t been able to look at him properly for so, so many years. All this time, I either turned away the instance he appeared in my field of vision, or chased after his silhouette from the corner of my eyes.

He slept for a long time, and I looked for a long time.

Without any warning, he suddenly opened his eyes, our eyes meeting. I paused, and turned around immediately in panic but then realized I shouldn’t be too obvious, so I pretended that I was rubbing my neck from sitting for too long, turning my head from side to side, as if I had only turned my face towards him by chance as he opened his eyes.

Our eyes would constantly meet ever so gently before we moved our eyes away. I couldn’t tell if he or I was the one panicking. I felt like I should have said something, but whatever I had prepared to say before had already been thrown out the window.

“There’s still another hour of driving, go sleep a little. You’ll need strength to climb the Great Wall,” he said lightly.

His tone was very gentle, and my heart was still very soft, so even though I turned my head around coldly, I still obediently closed my eyes.

My brain still wandered around, the events from my youth passing by at times, the scene from just then at others, but since I didn’t sleep very well last night, as I thought and thought, I really did fall asleep.

Suddenly, I felt the brakes and when I woke up in shock. We had already arrived.

The driver took his time parking, stopping and reversing for many rounds before the bus was finally parked.

With the Great Wall right in front of our eyes, everyone grabbed their bags in excitement and rushed down the bus like a horde of cattle.

When almost everyone had left, Zhang Jun finally stood up slowly and took both our bags from the luggage rack. I was about to take it from him when he opened his bag, squashed my little pack a little then stuffed it into his bag.

“What are you doing?”

He didn’t reply as he nonchalantly swung the bag onto his back. “Let’s go! To the Great Wall!”

I could only follow him empty handed. When Ms Xing finished buying the tickets, it was decided that she would lead the team, the physics teacher would look after the middle, and Shen Yuanzhe and Zhang Jun would walk at the back.

In a team of more than thirty people, some walked fast, some walked slow, and gradually, the distance between everyone increased.

I soon realized that Zhang Jun didn’t carry my bag out of goodwill; my water, food and money were now all with him, so I became the shadow that followed him.

But soon, I was unable to keep thinking about it because this was the first time I saw the Great Wall for myself. The wonder from textbooks and television was finally, truly under my feet, and I was extremely excited!

Lin Yiran, Zhang Jun, Shen Yuanzhe, and I climbed the Great Wall as a group and chatted along the way. For some reason, Zhang Jun did not attack me at all today, but instead became unusually supportive. Without realizing, I started talking to him as well. He had already climbed the Great Wall twice and told us some of his interesting experiences here before, faking the Beijing accent, both Lin Yiran and I laughing non-stop. All the estrangement seemed to have vanished amidst the laughing.

Lin Yiran, seeing that I was really happy, was extremely glad and became unusually lively. When she got tired, she asked Zhang Jun jokingly if she could also enjoy the bag-carrying service. Zhang Jun took her bag over without a word.

Lin Yiran blinked at me and smiled. She didn’t say thanks to Zhang Jun, but instead saluted me.

“Get out, don’t be cocky,” I scolded, but my heart was warm with happiness and I couldn’t help but smile.

Zhang Jun looked back at me, also laughing.

The four of us talked and laughed, climbing and taking breaks, truly walking at the very back.