A Book Dedicated to Our Youth - Volume 3 - Chapter 9.2

V3C9.2
The darknesses and heavinesses from school suddenly dissipated, and in that moment it was like youth had finally shown me it’s true colors: bright, happy. Even though they were so uncertain, so unsettled, in that moment, they were real.

I set an alarm for half past six. After I woke up, I did an hour of English, then ate breakfast, took a quick shower, and started to dress myself up.

My mother was drying her hair in the bathroom. When she saw me fixing myself in front of the mirror, she took her blow-dryer and straightened my hair, added some gel to set it, then found two hair clips with fake pearls studded on them and helped clip them to the side of my hair.

She then quickly rushed off to work, but my sister was still sleeping. I snuck into her room and found a blue suspender skirt along with a white collared shirt from her wardrobe. As I was about to leave, after some careful deliberation, I set my guilt aside and also borrowed her favourite pair of white sandals.

When I arrived at the bridge, Zhang Jun was already there. He wore a pair of white pants, a striped t-shirt and stood on the grassy field next to the poplar trees.

The grass was plush, and the trees a verdant green. The morning sun sifted through their leaves to fall onto him. Rays of sunlight drifting across his body, he looked as clean and crisp as the blue sky and white clouds, and as full of vitality as the green leaves and sunlight- for a moment, I was stunned. Even though everyone had always said Zhang Jun was handsome, I had never noticed it, having known him for so long. It wasn’t until today that I finally realized how attractive he was.

He glanced down at his watch before turning his gaze towards the direction of my house. There was no impatience on his face, only a faint smile.

I walked through the grove towards him, my vanity swelling. To think that the person that such an outstanding youth would be waiting for was me… 

He heard my footsteps and tilted his head. When he saw it was me, his eyes lit up.

We stood amidst the poplar trees, both of us slightly abashed. 

“Sorry, I’m late,” I murmured. Actually, I was watching him from the side.

He laughed and replied, “Don’t worry, let’s go!”

“What’s your favorite color?” I asked him.

“Blue, white, and black. What about you?”

“Green, blue, and white. I like trees, grass, and flowers. I think that if the world was without them, there would really be nothing worthwhile left. They’re like life itself. I like the blue of the sky because it’s the widest color there is, and white…”

“White is the simplest colour, but the most complicated; the most inclusive yet also the most fastidious.”

We smiled at each other, overwhelmed by the happiness of understanding each other.

“But I rarely see you wear anything white,” he said.

“It’s so easy to get dirty- it’s far too bothersome.”

He laughed. “What a strange reason for a girl.”

We dithered our way to the school gates, laughing and smiling, to find it already surrounded by parents waiting for the rankings to be released. Zhang Jun whistled, marvelling at it. I, on the other hand, was reminded of Xiao Bo and felt a little sad. For us, to be able to stand amongst the crowd waiting for our rankings, maybe it felt justified to be annoyed, but to him, it would only ever feel regretful.

We bought two drinks, sat on the edge of the flower garden next to the pathway, and waited.

I was a little perplexed by his reaction just then and asked, “Haven’t you already come here? Last year was the same, enough people to play the sea and the sky.”

“This is my first time.”

I remembered that Guan He said that he had gone to Shanghai last year and asked, “Was Shanghai fun?”

“It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t as fun as Beijing and Qingdao.”

Laughter filled his eyes. I deliberately pretended that I didn’t understand, sipping my drink and letting my gaze wander from here to there, though never to him, but it was impossible to hide the sweetness in my eyes.

“Zhang Jun, Luo Qiqi.”

Guan He stood in front of us in a purple dress. She looked rather surprised, probably because it was the first time that she had seen me talk civilly with Zhang Jun.

My smile froze a little. Zhang Jun moved a little closer to me, clearing up a space for Guan He to sit.

Guan He sat next to him. “I didn’t know you were coming today otherwise I would’ve brought Lin Yilian’s recordings over,” she said.

“It’s fine, I don’t listen to it anyways. I have loads of her tapes in my house. If you want to listen, come to my house one day and pick some out.”

“Okay!”

Hearing the familiarity in their conversation, that happiness which had been so overwhelming for me disappeared.

“Why is this year’s release so late?” Guan He muttered.

Just as she finished speaking, the crackling of firecrackers sounded up. Four or five teachers walked out of the school amidst the noise and started to hang up the rankings. 

“There weren’t any firecrackers last year.” Guan He said in surprise.

“Both the province’s first and second place came from our school, and we also came first in overall scores. Of course there would be a celebration,” Zhang Jun replied.

The school gate was already in uproar. “Chen Jing is province rank one! Chen Jing is province rank one! Liu Tao is second…”

Parents and students started squeezing forwards; the scene was a chaotic mess.

I asked Zhang Jun, “If you already knew, why didn’t you tell us anything?”

Zhang Jun laughed, and replied, “If I did that, wouldn’t it be boring?”

Guan He stared at the school gate, lost in thought. She was probably reminded of her own scores. Ever since high school, her best rank had only ever been ninth in the grade. For someone who had been getting first her entire life, there must have been a lot of pressure and stress on her.

Master Jia, Master Zhen, and co all came, chatting whilst watching the spectacle. All our topics naturally surrounded the focus of today: Chen Jing. Master Zhen was also quite well informed. “I heard that Chen Jing had already been accepted by Tsinghua and that he’ll be doing the architecture course, and that Liu Tao is also going to Tsinghua for the computer course.”

A sudden outburst of noise came from the crowd; Liu Tao had arrived to see the rankings. All the parents stared at him, making various sounds of congratulation. Liu Tao’s father was smiling so much he was unable to close his mouth. Guan He was curious. “Do you think Chen Jing will come?”

“Definitely not,” I bursted out.

Guan He looked at me in surprise. “Why? Do you know him?”

“We were in the same class as Chen Jing in primary, and Qiqi was deskmates with him until he skipped a grade.” Zhang Jun explained.

“Such a shame I came too late and missed out on being in the same class as the province rank one,” Guan He lamented.

Outside the school gates, there were people crying and there were people laughing, acting out the tragic comedy of life’s gains and losses. Nevertheless, it had nothing to do with us. Not long after they came out, we had lost our interest in the rankings.

Master Jia and co insisted on going bowling and skating. 

“Let’s go together,” Zhang Jun said to Guan He and I. 

Guan He smiled and shook her head. 

“Come on, I’ll be paying,” he added.

Master Zhen immediately cupped his hands and shouted at the surrounding students, “Zhang Jun’s paying, is anyone coming for bowling and skating?”

Many refused, and Zhang Jun kicked Master Zhen lightly before smiling at Guan He. “Everyone’s going, joining us!”

Guan He still smiled and shook her head.

Bowling was something that recently became popular, and a single round costed ten dollars. For students, it was a very expensive pastime.

I could tell that Guan He actually wanted to go but she had a pride similar to mine. Nevertheless, I was willing to let go of my pride for her so I tried to persuade her. “Let’s go, everyone’s going. I’ve never played bowling before, so it will be a fun experience.”

Master Zhen bowed incessantly. “Oh beautiful Miss Guan, won’t you grace us with your presence?”

Guan He finally nodded.

We hailed two taxis and rushed towards the bowling alley. Zhang Jun led me to the front.

Since it wasn’t the weekend, the price was discounted to eight dollars per game. We split into three groups with Zhang Jun, Master Zhen, and Master Jia leading a group each. 

Zhang Jun taught me how to play. First, he asked me to pick out a ball, and I tried all the way until the very lightest ball before I was able to pick it up. 

He measured my wrist with his hands and said, “I could beat you in arm wrestle with just my fingers. You need to increase your exercise otherwise your brain will develop unevenly.”

My response was a glare. He laughed and started teaching me how to play but I really was stupid when it comes to sport. After several tries I was still unable to get the feel. 

Guan He was strangely good at this, and not many turns had passed before she landed a strike. Everyone cheered and clapped. Zhang Jun looked at her and smiled.

I felt empty inside. On the outside, it looked like I was just keeping to myself, but I was carefully observing as the others played.

After Guan He was split into Master Zhen’s group, Zhang Jun always had an eye on her. At first, Master Zhen played by himself, not minding everyone else, but then Zhang Jun walked over to him and whispered something. Even though no one heard what they said, judging by the change in attitude of Master Zhen, it was obvious that it had something to do with Guan He. 

My mood fell lower and lower, my game getting worse, but I kept smiling. 

Zhang Jun laughed. “Did your cerebellum ever go through puberty? We need to design a plan to properly train it.”

Master Zhen also shook his head in mockery. “This is also Guan He’s first time playing and goodness, the differences in people.”

“Come on, don’t be mean. If there weren’t any stupid people how would you show off your talent? We need to appreciate her sacrifice,” Zhang Jun retorted.

I laughed with them at my clumsiness but a tiny person in my heart looked at me in sorrow. Stop trying to compare yourself with her! You had always lost to her anyways! If you stopped comparing yourself to her, you wouldn’t be sad anymore!

Towards the end, I didn’t want to play anymore because everytime my round finished, Master Zhen would laugh at me. I joined their mockery; between waiting for others to beat me down, I thought I might as well do it myself. 

Due to my extreme lack of skill, even though Zhang Jun landed a strike almost every round, our group still lost. 

Master Zhen and Master Jia laughed. “Good, good, as long as Luo Qiqi is here, we will always be the winner.”

Zhang Jun smiled at Guan He. “You’re really good at this, not at all like a first timer.”

Guan He was tired but also excited, her cheeks flushed red and her eyes bright and shining, beautiful like a lotus after the summer rain. Suddenly, I felt tired and just wanted to go home, but I had already agreed to eat together and then go roller-skating.

During lunch, Guan He sat down first, and I deliberately sat across from her. Zhang Jun hadn’t arrived yet, and I wondered who he would sit beside. I wondered if all girls used such stupid details to verify another’s feelings. In reality, whether he did this or he did that, nothing could be proved because neither male nor female thoughts could be put in such a straight channel. The only thing that this did prove was that if she did this, the only certainty was that she had no confidence in their relationship, and it was in that, that the real crisis hid.

When Zhang Jun came in, he sat down easily beside me whilst talking to Master Zhen. 

My unhappiness from the bowling session finally dimmed a little but my spirits had barely raised when I saw Zhang Jun pass the menu to Guan He first, ask her what she wanted to eat, and specifically request for no coriander because she didn’t like them. 

I talked less and less but my smile got wider and wider.

Maybe, we were sitting in the wrong seats all along. Guan He should come sit next to Zhang Jun, and I should sit on the opposite side.

After lunch, they discussed where they should go roller skating. Hearing their conversation, I finally realised that roller skating had gotten popular again last semester.

There were two popular types of roller skating, one indoors with a wooden floor, one outdoors on concrete ground. The indoor one would be smaller, whilst the outdoor one more spacious. Preferring the convenience, they chose the concrete ground right next to the bowling alley. 

When we arrived, the boys went to buy tickets and get the shoes whilst the girls waited at the sides. 

Looking at the shoes they brought over, I realised that times had changed. They were no longer the roller skates of my childhood which one could wear without taking off their shoes, but they were now a pair of delicate and pretty leather shoes, like a pair of boots.

Zhang Jun passed two pairs over for Guan He and I along with two small plastic bags and said, “Put those on your feet first and then wear the shoes. It’s cleaner this way.”

I silently put on my shoes. Zhang Jun bent down to help me with my laces but I shrank back. “It’s fine, I know how to do it.” 

Even though it was the first time I had ever worn these shoes, I had observed Master Zhen putting on his shoes and had learnt what I was supposed to do.

Master Zhen and Master Jia, being the self-centred people they were, scooted off the instance they put on their shoes.

Zhang Jun walked over to check on Guan He who stretched out her feet. Zhang Jun bent down to teach her how to tie the laces and watched her tie up the other shoe. One handsome man next to a beautiful woman, they looked like the most harmonious lovers for all the passers by to turn around and take another look. 

It was the first time that Guan He had ever skated, and she didn’t even have the courage to stand up. Zhang Jun held out a hand encouragingly, notioning for her to trust him, so Guan He, clutching his hand, stood up shakily. Zhang Jun looked back and said to me, “Wait here for a bit, I’ll come back for you soon.”

Seeing that he had already accompanied Guan He to skate around once without any intention of coming back, I stood up. Even though the shoes had changed, the basis behind the sport was still the same. Roller skating was similar to riding a bicycle in that once you’ve learnt it, it could never be forgotten.

Music filled the rink, sometimes intense, sometimes sentimental. The owner of this rink was very thoughtful and decorated the ceiling of the rink with the lights commonly used in clubs, creating a disco-like atmosphere. There was also an extremely bright spotlight which would pick out a pair of amazing skaters once every few songs to show to the rest of the rink, fulfilling the pride of youth. If it was a parent with their child, the music would be very lyrical, making both the onlookers and the skaters become filled with emotions; if it was a pair of young couples, the music would be full of zeal, allowing them to show off their skating skills. With such attention to detail, no wonder the rink was so popular.

The skating rink was huge with many people. I didn’t want to see the image of Zhang Jun and Guan He skating hand in hand so soon so I had lost them amongst the crowd.

I skated as hard and fast as I could along with the music. A boy next to me skated over. “May I skate with you?” he invited.

It turned out now, roller skating was similar to dancing in that you could invite others to skate with you. I didn’t refuse him and he accompanied me for a few rounds around the rink in which he tried to hold my hand but I skillfully evaded.

He took the hint and didn’t try again, but started introducing himself instead, asking for my name and complimenting my temperament. 

I smiled. Didn’t he watch TV? When there was nothing to praise about a not-so-beautiful girl, you complimented her on her temperament. 

I didn’t answer any of his questions about my private information, but he didn’t give up and continued skating next to me. Even when I was resting, he was accompanying me, chatting with me. I didn’t dislike him, so I continued talking to him about some senseless topics.

Amidst the crowd, I saw Zhang Jun still next to Guan He. After they skated past me, I started skating again but the image of Zhang Jun and Guan He skating hand in hand stayed imprinted in my brain. I went faster and faster, and the boy next to me kindly reminded me, “Be careful.”

Suddenly, a huge spotlight landed on us. I was really confused and almost tripped but he caught hold of me and said happily, “I’ve been here many times but this is the first time the light has ever landed on me.”

He wanted to keep skating with me but I pushed him away. “Sorry, I don’t want to skate anymore.”

I skated towards the side but the light kept chasing me. My skills were not exceptional at all, was the person controlling the light blind? Impatiently, I dodged towards the edge of the rink. The person controlling the light finally understood that I didn’t want to skate and moved the light away.

I had just sat down when that guy ran over as well. “Are you thirsty? Would you like a drink?”

I didn’t answer; Zhang Jun stood in front of me, his eyes full of anger. “Having fun?”

I looked at him. What right did he have to get mad at me?

“Yes, I’m really happy.”

He stared at me for a second before skating away. The boy next to me asked, “Want a drink?”

I looked at him and said, “Thank you for your kindness but if I was thirsty, I would go buy my own drink. Also, I’m serious. Your patience and honesty won’t be able to move me so you might as well put your energy into some other girl.”

He laughed. “Understood. Had a fight with your boyfriend?”

“No.”

Music sounded, and the spotlight landed on a couple: it was Zhang Jun and a beautiful girl that I had never met before. She wore a skirt, showing off a pair of stunningly long legs. They were both really good and they managed to make roller skating look like ballroom dancing. 

“Is that your boyfriend?”

I didn’t reply. Was he? I wasn’t sure.

He smiled. “Being together with someone like that requires a strong mentality.”

I stood up and went back onto the skating rink. Slowly, I grew faster and faster, as if trying to leave behind all the unhappiness in my life. Suddenly, I slipped and fell. In that moment of sorrow, I forgot to protect myself and fell backwards, the back of my head banging onto the hard cement ground. My vision dimmed and I was unable to move my body but my consciousness remained, allowing me to hear the infinite wheels speeding past my ears.

“Jeez, be careful…”

“Get up, you’ll trip someone.”

“Hey, are you okay?”

I finally recovered. A kindhearted couple tried to pull me up but my body kept slipping downwards, golden stars dancing in front of my eyes. Turns out those descriptions of seeing stars were not exaggerations. 

“Did you hit your head? That fall looked really painful,” the girl said kindly.

They helped me to the rest area and asked, “Do you have friends who came with you? Do you need us to help you find them?”

I hugged my head and muttered, “I came by myself. I’m fine now, thank you.”

They questioned me several more times and after making sure that I was fine, happily skated away, hand in hand. 

Their figures, supporting each other, made my eyes water. Where was that person who was supposed to comfort me when I got hurt?

In the rink, under the bright light, Zhang Jun was still elegantly dancing, sometimes holding a girl’s waist, sometimes a girl holding his hand. The light slowly faded. Just as he parted with a partner, another girl asked to skate with him. He didn’t reject her and the two held each other’s hands, Zhang Jun skating backwards and the girl stepping to the rhythm of the music.

My head hurt, but my heart hurted more. Under this unspeakable feeling of sorrow and being wronged, I just wanted to leave all of this far, far behind.

I took off my skates, took back my own shoes, and walked out of the skating rink alone.

I checked my wallet: there were only three dollars. When I had left the house in the morning, I thought I was just going to see the rankings, and didn’t think about bringing any money. Since it wasn’t enough to call a taxi and there weren’t any buses here, I decided to walk home.