V3C9.1 What Kind of Life Do You Wish to See
At around six in the morning, I woke, and sat in front of my desk to start sorting the items I brought home from the trip. The ticket for the Forbidden Palace, the ticket for the Summer Palace, for Laoshan, the reptile park, and then the shells that we picked from the beach of Qingdao…
I only had a single copy of the tickets from Beijing, but after the Great Wall, they changed pairs. Zhang Jun had never cared much for miscellaneous items such as train tickets and had casually given them all to me. He must have thought I had thrown them all out already, but I had carefully kept them in sets like treasures.
I didn’t want to take photos but I knew just how precious these times were, so I chose my own way to remember them forever.
Flattening them out and wrapping them up, I placed them into a paper box before stuffing it into the cabinet under my bed.
Closing the door to the cabinet, I suddenly realized that every day, I would be sleeping on top of these happinesses and I smiled, unable to hold myself back.
A pinecone and a piece of rock. Those were the presents for Xiao Bo. I placed them into a leather envelope and started writing a letter.
I was filled with words and feelings that I wanted to tell him about and I wanted to show him everything that I had seen and heard, but when I lifted my pen, I realized that even with a million thoughts crowding my mind, I was still unable to write a single thing.
After thinking for a long time, I only wrote down one sentence.
“A pine cone from under the Great Wall, and a rock from Qingdao Laoshan.”
I moved my gaze up towards the Chinese map nailed onto my wall . Maybe one day, I would be able to climb every mountain and swim through every lake, and maybe on that day, he wouldn’t reject me again, on the day that I learnt how to fly.
At around nine, Lin Yiran and Shen Yuanzhe came to find me to see our end of term results as per our promise.
Amidst the bright red ranking wall, despite the faded colors, the writing was still very clear.
Guan He was ninth in the grade, and Lin Yiran right behind her in tenth. I was nineteenth, Zhang Jun was placed seventy-something and Shen Yuanzhe was sixty-something.
When I saw my results, I was almost crushed by despair. How I wished that I had messed up on math or physics, but the subject that pulled me down was still English, a solid 73 out of 100.
I had never stopped working hard, yet I hadn’t improved an ounce. Even though ‘persistence is success’ quotes were everywhere, when I experienced a situation testing that belief myself, I could only feel my despair increase. If I were to have given up and used tricks and memorization to deal with the exams, I would probably have gotten the same score without the overbearing sense of disappointment.
Shen Yuanzhe suggested for everyone to go grab a cold drink together but I felt so bad that I didn’t even have the energy for that and left with an excuse I made up on the spot.
Walking alone on the steaming asphalt road, I didn’t have to fake a smile or pretend not to care. I let myself collapse, taking one step and then another, never stopping, nor knowing where I was going.
In the eyes of others, top twenty was an amazing position, and my confusion and pain would appear baffling, but to me, it wasn’t about my grades. I was unable to understand why it was that despite all the effort I put in, my results wouldn’t reflect it at all.
I started to have doubts about my future. I didn’t have a pretty face, a powerful family or riches. My future depended solely on my intelligence and diligence. If hard work didn’t equate to success, it meant that I couldn’t decide my future with my own work. Then, just who exactly held control of my future? If I couldn’t decide it myself, then what was the point of my struggling?
I didn’t know how long I walked before I stood under the shadow of a tree.
As it was still day, the Karaoke bar didn’t have a lot of business. Four part-timers, eager for some cool air, stood under the tree outside the bar playing mahjong on a small table. Though the faces of the people in it changed, youth was always the same.
If I had gone to TAFE, I could have become an intern already, earning an income and casually playing mahjong. My parents wouldn’t be worried about me dating, but would instead be introducing partners to me, and I wouldn’t be suffering from that cursed English exam.
I wouldn’t have to hide my feelings for anyone. All I would need to do was go to work, figure out if I wanted to dance or play mahjong after, and whether I wanted to see my friends or my boyfriend.
If I had only given up on that strict regime for English and used a little trickery and hard work, I could probably have still gotten an above average score whilst having time to spend on fashion and dressing up to go out with Tong Yunzhu. And life would be good.
The girls had already played through many rounds of mahjong but I still stood in the shade in a daze. They asked, half curious, half suspicious, “Miss, are you waiting for someone?”
I looked at them in a trance, remained silent for a while before asking, “Is Xiao Bo here?”
A girl shuffled the cards and said, “Xiao Bo, don’t think I know anyone…” Another girl hit her hand. “It might be Mr Xu. I think that’s his name.” She raised her head and glared at me. “Just who are you looking for?”
I smiled and left.
Ah, life. There were so many different paths, but just which one did I want to take?
I could choose to give up, or I could choose to continue, but after years and years had passed, just which path would leave me without regrets?
Before, I hadn’t understood, but now that I had tried and only been disappointed, I finally understood what Chen Jin had meant by the word ‘persistence’ being harder to write than any other in the world.
I had arrived at the river and was almost home when I suddenly remembered the gift that I had prepared for Xiao Bo but…
If I chose to give up then the gifts would never be able to reach its recipient. I looked at the dazzling river, dazed. Just which path did I want to see play out?
I turned around and ran back towards the karaoke bar.
Hearing my footsteps, the four girls all looked up at me in surprise. I took out the leather envelope from my bag and passed it to them.
“This is for Xu Xiaobo, you know, your boss,” I said.
The four girls nodded immediately. I turned and left.
As I slowly strolled back home, I took out a piece of white paper and wrote down, ‘Summer Plans’.
From tomorrow onwards, every day, I would spend one hour on English. In that hour, I would memorize ten pieces of vocabulary, then spend half an hour on grammar, and use the rest of the time to practice various other weak points.
I signed my name under the daily plan over and over. This was a promise to myself. In this hopeless eternity, joyless stretch of boredom, this was the only control and strength I could offer myself.
Placing the summer plan facing down underneath the glass of my table, apart from the words “Luo Qiqi”, which showed traces of itself from how hard I pressed down, it looked just like a normal white sheet of paper.
After all, this was only for me, not anyone else.
Staring down at that piece of paper, my heart was filled with sudden loneliness and melancholy. All of my hard work, my struggles, were only known to myself. The brightness and color of youth that adults saw was far from what it was.
I started writing “ZJ” over and over again on a piece of paper, unable to stop myself, getting a new piece of paper when one was filled up. Over the years, I had unconsciously developed this habit- whenever I was sad, I would write “ZJ” over and over like it would release my stress and sorrows.
Due to Ma Li’s persistent begging, our greeting became less ‘welcome home’ and more ‘party’, turning into Ma Li’s excuse to eat and drink. Yang Jun, Ma Li, Wu Hao, Ma Ti and I went on an outing together.
During the meetup, Wu Hao whispered to me, curiosity written all over his face, “I heard from the other students from the summer camp that you and Zhang Jun…”
I made an exaggeratedly flattered movement. “I didn’t think that I could have the honor of becoming Zhang Jun’s girlfriend just because we had some conversations! How exciting!”
I giggled and added, “Last term, when I went home with the class captain after our self-study periods, they said there was something going on between me and Shen Yuanzhe as well!”
I pointed at Ma Ti. “And when I was deskmates with Ma Ti, didn’t you guys ship us as well? Something about ‘enemies to lovers’.”
“How could you put my name together with Luo Qiqi? I’m not that tasteless,” Ma Ti muttered bitterly.
I happily landed a punch on his back, making him scream melodramatically. “I’d believe it if you said she had a crush on Zhang Jun but I refuse to believe that Zhang Jun would like her!”
My heart skipped a bit, facial muscles tensing, but I saw that everyone was laughing.
Among the laughing and jibing, the rumors about Zhang Jun were flipped over easily. At our age, anyone with even a slightly better than average looking face would all be troubled by a flurry of gossip. As for someone like Zhang Jun who was in the centre of the gossip mill, even if I joined his pile of possible girlfriends, it wouldn’t increase an inch, and if I didn’t, nor would it shrink.
After the outing, Ma Li waited for everyone to leave before calling me to the side secretly. “Be honest with me. What’s your relationship with Zhang Jun?”
I felt both nervous and confused. “Didn’t I explain already? We’re just friends.”
“Would normal friends follow you home at night?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know how at the start of first year, we had a bit of a fight going on? I got some people from outside of school to have a chat with you but everytime, they would promise me at the start, but not do it in the end. I found out afterwards that it was because Zhang Jun was having a talk with them.”
I didn’t know what to say. I was hit with a mix of surprise and bewilderment, and a strange sense of happiness.
Ma Li thought that I was struck dumb from fear, and patted my shoulder and winked. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. After all, you’ve got someone covering for you and I don’t have the guts to go up against Zhang Jun.”
“Get lost!” I pushed him away and strode off.
Because of what Ma Li had said, my hopes for Zhang Jun rose up again, but it had been over a week since the end of the summer camp and Zhang Jun had yet to reappear in my life.
Rationally, I could accept the fact that Zhang Jun wasn’t looking for me anymore. I didn’t even need to consider any ‘principles of life’ or ‘universal truths’; just looking at myself was enough. Nevertheless, disappointment and sorrow were never something that reason could analyze control.
One day, my parents left for their morning shift. My sister practiced her keyboard for a while before running over to watch TV. I was awake, but still lying in bed.
My sister knocked on my door. “Hey, there’s someone looking for you.”
I thought it was going to be Yang Jun and the others and said without really focusing, “This early? Are they ok?”
After some messy washing up, I walked into the living room in my slippers, my hair down, to see Zhang Jun sitting on the sofa, looking ever so fresh and handsome.
I immediately ran back into my bedroom, brushed my hair, and changed my clothes, before thinking that I was going mental. After some internal struggles, I finished doing my hair and walked outside.
Zhang Jun had stood up but seeing that my sister was there, could only silently watch me.
My sister was still focused on watching her thousandth rerun of《The New Legend of Madam White Snake》, not at all noticing the strange atmosphere around her.
Deciding that it was too awkward to just stand there in my living room, I said to him, “Let’s go outside.”
Leaving the house, we walked silently along a small path until we reached the river. We leaned against the railing of the bridge and watched as it flowed by underneath us.
Even though it was morning, there was no one on the bridge. A newer, wider bridge had been built when I was in my second year of middle school and this badly designed one had been discarded, but if I had to cross the river, I would always walk on this old bridge. It wasn’t just because it was close to my house either.
“There were a lot of people on this bridge back when we were kids. It’s almost abandoned now,” commented Zhang Jun.
Indeed! It was relatively narrow with a lot of stairs. Everytime someone crossed it, they would have to carry their bicycle on their shoulders, and it was impossible to ride a motorcycle across it, so of course it had become empty.
“What do you usually do?”
“Not much, just sleeping and reading.”
“What books?”
“Textbooks at times, random books at others.”
“Since when did you become so hard working? It’s the summer holidays.”
I didn’t know what to say and remained silent. Whatever atmosphere we managed to strike up cooled down again.
“Luo Qiqi…” he suddenly called out. I looked at him and after a long time he finally pushed out a sentence. “Did you regret it?”
“No!” I replied immediately, before I paused and finally gathered up the courage to ask him. “What about you? Did you regret it?” I was scared that he would regret his decision, but he asked if I had regretted it.
“Of course not.” His expression finally stopped being so exaggerated. He threw a stone into the river and smiled. “The day after tomorrow will be the release of our college admission scores, let’s go see them!”
Anyone who wanted to get into a university would pay attention to this, and most importantly, it was with him. I agreed immediately. “Sure.”
He smiled. “Then the day after tomorrow, nine in the morning, I’ll be waiting.”
“Okay!”
We stood together silently for a while. “Is there anything else? If not, I’ll be going home.” I still hadn’t completed my English tasks for today.
Disappointment flashed through his eyes but he smiled. “Sure, I also have something I need to do.”
I was too young to see the disappointment in his eyes, I only saw the smile on his face, so I smiled too and waved to him before running back home.
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