Adachi to Shimamura - Volume 11 - Chapter 6.2

She was still wearing the hairpin I gave her a while back, and I was impressed that she took such good care of it. With Adachi, I was impressed a lot of the time, actually; her life was just so strange and new to me. And yet, for all our differences, we were still together. The majority of my time in high school was spent dealing with her odd behavior, but I was satisfied with the way things turned out. Maybe we were just that compatible. 

Inside the study room, the AC unit was working its ass off. Despite the fact that I’d been making use of this old storage room for quite some time, it was still super dusty every time I opened the door. Perhaps rooms, like people, had certain innate qualities they were born with.

“Happy to see me after those torturous three days?”

“Yeah.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and stared hard at me as we faced each other. Neither of us had anywhere to run. “My…my crops are watered.” 

“Impressive vocabulary you’ve got there. I’ll take it as a compliment.” 

I imagined myself raining down and soaking into her withered body, making her all waterlogged. For someone with so much moisture, however, she sat stiff as a board on the floor. Her posture was meek and modest, yet she was actually showing a lot of skin in that off-the-shoulder top. 

I should have gotten dressed! I cursed myself as I looked down at my ratty old pajama shirt. Between you and me, there was a little hole in the bottoms, too. And since I wasn’t planning to leave the house, I wasn’t wearing makeup, either. The time I could have spent making myself presentable was instead spent…um…trying to awaken a latent superpower. 

No matter how deeply she loved me, I probably needed to put in a little more effort before she gave up on me completely. She’s always got her act together… When I peered at her face, she flinched and straightened her hunched back. 

“Wh-what, what?!”

“I was looking for the crops.” 

It was still hot in the room, so I turned on the electric fan. The first-floor fan had lost all its blades, but this second-floor hand-me-down hadn’t given up the ghost quite yet. It spun like a little green windmill. Meanwhile, Adachi pulled a notebook and pencil case from her bookbag and set them on the edge of the table.

“Wow, you actually brought study stuff?”

“Wha?!”

“I mean, we are going to study.” 

I was thinking we’d end up chatting the whole time. I set the seal plushie aside and settled into my spot at the table. Across from me, she shifted over on her knees. As I watched her move, she flushed faintly; she tried to smile, but messed up, and her eyes watered. 

Whenever I was around, Adachi seemed to forget how to smile. Written out like that, you’d think I was intimidating her somehow. But though I hadn’t seen it for myself, I’d heard that her normal personality was cold and calculating—even colder than the version of her I first met. The kind of girl who wore a poker face no matter who she spoke to. Scary stuff. 

“Hey, Adachi, try being cold for a bit,” I suggested, mostly as a joke.

“Being…cold?” she repeated, grasping her bicep. She didn’t seem to understand. “Are you saying you wanna go to the pool or something?”

That was a pretty funny interpretation. The pool, hmm? A viable suggestion, but I didn’t want to risk encountering that kappa monster at the gym again. 

“No, I mean personality-wise. I wanna see what the normal you is like.”

“The normal me? I’m always normal… This is my normal.”

“You sure? A little birdy told me you’re normally calm and collected.” 

In junior high, her personality was a perfect match for the modest clothes she was currently wearing. Obviously, I wanted to see it for myself. Of course, I’d sooner die than show anyone what I was like in junior high, but this wasn’t about me! 

“I’m already calm as it is.”

“You suuure?” 

I rose to my feet, walked around the table, and bent down over her. Her alleged composure vanished in an instant as she tilted her whole body hard to the left. I closed in, and…well, now what? Her guard was completely down, and all I could think to do was the most rote sexual harassment. 

The light made her dark hair glow blue and added a hint of green to her eyes; her facial features still carried faint traces of childhood. When I took a moment to take her in, she was beauty incarnate. Flawless. Shameless.

Her cheeks looked so soft—and indeed they were. Her shoulders flinched as I gently cupped her face. Now her eyes shone with uncertainty mixed with something else. So I squished her cheeks flat. 

“Eee hee hee…” Cackling ominously, I returned to my spot. Truth be told, I just couldn’t think of anything else to do to her. 

Okay, that was a lie—I did think of something, but didn’t have the courage to act on it, so I ran away. Part of me hesitated, worried that it wasn’t right. Especially since Adachi was the kind of girl who’d let me get away with anything. We’re both such awkward nerds, I thought to myself as I put my chin in my hand and smiled at the wall to hide my embarrassment.

“Shimamura…?”

“Hee hee hee…” 

Now and then I could hear Yashiro and my sister shrieking about something downstairs. Yashiro in particular had a very audible voice.

“Once we’re back at school, the Culture Festival’s right around the corner, huh?” I figured I may as well change the subject to something high school-y for a change. 

Having finished lining up her supplies, Adachi sat twiddling her thumbs. Then she processed the unfamiliar phrase and cocked her head in confusion. “Our school has a culture festival?”

“Believe it or not, yes, we always have.” Weird—I couldn’t remember taking part in it last year, or the year before that. “Since we’re not in any clubs, we won’t have much to do, but yeah…”

“Huh.” She’d never shown any interest in school events, so her initial reaction was muted. Then she realized what I was getting at, and her voice leapt up an octave. “We could…explore it together!”

“Sure, sounds good.” 

She didn’t need to rush. I didn’t have anyone else to go with—not a single soul. Adorable, sweet Adachi was my everything. 

“Anyway…shall we hit the books, or whatever…?”

“You don’t sound excited.”

“Nobody’s ever excited to study!” 

At the very least, my brain wasn’t wired that way innately. Nevertheless, I’d kept at it every single day thus far, so if you asked me, I was actually pretty gung-ho about my future at the moment. I knew that if I started slipping, my path would split off from Adachi’s; thus my brain was willing to work hard for the time being. 

I’m doing something good, I told myself as I opened my textbook and notebook. Naturally, it wasn’t until summer break had already started that I began to wonder if I should enroll at a cram school instead of self-study. Was that the smarter move? If there was one in the neighborhood, I could see myself attending—or was it too late now? Maybe I should search online for summer courses. 

Much of my life had started later than it was supposed to. Too late, in a lot of cases. So right now it was generally a good idea not to procrastinate on anything important. That mindset was bound to diminish at least one regret down the road. 

Today I would review everything I’d written down yesterday. Believe it or not, going back to old material actually really helped it stick…or so it seemed to me, at least. As I peered down at the notebook, I caught myself leaning forward, then course-corrected back into good posture.

Just then, as I looked up, I made immediate eye contact with Adachi, who for some reason, instantly whipped her face away. On top of that, she started smacking her stomach like a sumo wrestler psyching herself up right before a match. I started to ask her what was wrong, but then I realized it might have something to do with her line of sight. 

She wasn’t remotely looking at her textbook or notebook, so where was she looking? I recreated its trajectory in my mind’s eye. First, I pointed a finger out in front of her. When she flinched and recoiled, I gradually reeled it back in, tracing out the direction. 

“Gah, er, n-no, I wasn’t…!” she began to splutter, but I ignored it and proceeded with my inspection. The finger arrived at my chest.

Just now, Adachi’s gaze was somewhere at chest level—my chest. I looked down at it through the ratty old shirt whose English slogan had long since faded in the wash. Given how stretched-out the collar had gotten, perhaps I had inadvertently given her an eyeful when I bent over.

Hmm. I see. 

I looked up to find her sitting there with her face looking like it was covered in strawberry jam—so bright, it threatened to stain her teeth pink as they peeked out from behind her dewy lips. But I liked strawberry jam, and I liked Adachi, so I debated whether I might simply shrug it off like it was a two-for-one deal. Still, I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t a little bashful myself; the heat in my ears was proof enough.

“Adachi, uh…” I hesitated, unsure whether to take that step. My foot dangled in midair, awaiting its orders.

“Yup…that’s me…”

She looked like her every molecule was composed of panic. What do I do? My indecision spun in circles like a pen between my fingers. I could have ignored it and gone back to studying, but part of me felt that this was another important thing that I shouldn’t procrastinate on. Now that she and I were dating, we would need to discuss this topic sooner or later—so I decided now was as good a time as any. The words leapt out of my mouth, charging blindly forward.

“Adachi, were you just checking me out?”

Now that I had said it, the memory of it would prevent any attempt to take it back. Meanwhile, I could practically see steam rising from her head—and a moment later, she slammed her face straight down onto the table. The blow was so direct, the vibration traveled through its legs and across the floor to me. For a second I was stunned, but when she didn’t raise her head afterwards, I started to worry even more.

“Uh, Adachi?!”

“…Iwasn’tlooking.” Apparently, that was the best response she could manage. Right now, though, I wanted to know if she was okay in the head—physically, that is.

“You shouldn’t, uh…slam your face like that.”

“It’s okay. I’m calm now.” 

This composure she had paid for with a visible mark on her forehead. Her face was stiff, but her lower lip was quivering, and I could tell she was consciously holding back a veritable torrent of Adachiese. Part of me was confused by the dramatic reaction, but since I was the one to bring it up, backing down was not an option. I could tell if I tried to revisit the subject in the future, this would only happen all over again. 

“Serious question, though. I’d like to make sure I know what you want from our relationship.” As I spoke, I couldn’t stop myself from tracing circles on my knee. I had yet to identify exactly why I felt like I couldn’t sit still without fidgeting.

“From our relationship? There’s…lots of stuff,” she mumbled, as if her mouth was full of candy. 

Lots of stuff? Am I not meeting her needs? Hmm. Evidently my appearance wasn’t the only thing I needed to start working on. In that case… “I’ve got an idea.”

“Hhhg?!”

Sheesh, what was that sound? I raised a hand like I was about to swear an oath. “I will now ask you a few questions.”

“Huhggh?!” 

If she was already biting her tongue at this stage, then she was in danger of biting it clean off. I started to have second thoughts. “These are important questions—for both of us—so try to answer them honestly without feeling awkward.” 

I was feeling pretty awkward myself, so by no means was I trying to torture her. By analyzing her love for me, we could steer the ship in the right direction. Or so I decided for myself just now.

She took deep breaths over and over, but the air seemed to leak into her words. “But I’m…always…honest with you…” Apparently, she was so panicked that she needed to space her words out in order to speak at all. Concerning! Then again, it probably wasn’t much different from her normal self.

And so I asked her the sort of question that, were the roles reversed, would have made me bolt from the room.

“I noticed you were looking at my…boobs? My boobs, right?”

“Iwasn’tlooking.”

“I said be honest!”

“Don’tbesillyShimamura.” 

Her voice was cracking all over the place, but for some reason this seemed to help her speak more fluidly. Maybe her brain had disengaged from everything except her tongue. I could picture something spinning in circles in her mind—stars, maybe. 

“It’s fine, seriously. I mean, you were ogling me pretty hard in the bath during the school trip.”

“I was just—! I…was…” Unable to think of an excuse, she began to flounder. “I was…just looking…that’s all…”

“Really now.” If I tried to ask why she was looking, I could already tell she’d repeat “just looking” over and over. “So you were ‘just looking’ a second ago, too?”

She shook her head vigorously. “I really couldn’t see anything…just…”

“Just what?”

“Just the shirt!” 

She was holding her ground like her life was on the line. But if I let this go, the conversation would be over. I tried to think of what to do, but it seemed my only option was to confront it in full sincerity. 

“Adachi, you don’t have to be embarrassed about it. Please, just be honest with me. I gotta come to terms with this stuff before I can be ready for it… And I promise, no matter what you say, I won’t hate you for it! If anything, I’ll love you more!”

The last part sounded a little too hastily tacked on to be believable, even by my own standards. And I knew I was asking a lot by telling her to admit the truth without feeling shame. But I didn’t get many opportunities to seriously confront this stuff, and I wanted her to join me.

As she looked at me fearfully like a lost child in search of her mother, I responded with a bright smile. This method was surprisingly effective back when I struggled to open up to people. Thus I weaponized it myself. 

When she saw that I was taking this seriously, she seemed to relax a bit, returning to the table. Her fingers tapped anxiously on her knees.

“…I was looking. I’m sorry,” she confessed sheepishly, like a little kid.

“You don’t really have to apologize.” Probably. “Now, back to my first question. Deep down, is there anything, y’know… Feelings… Desires…”

I fumbled, searching for an indirect way to say it. My kingdom for a thesaurus. But if I tried to look it up, I’d probably turn to strawberry jam myself. She and I were burning so hot, the AC unit and fan combo couldn’t keep up. Our relationship had progressed past its spring into the sweltering summer. 

“Okay, okay, okay…I’ll just sum it all up. Do you wanna do sexy stuff with me?” 

It was surprisingly a lot easier to just come right out with it. As my chin rested in my hand, my fingers tapped restlessly against my ear, making a sound like the patter of rain. Across the table, I saw her suck in a stiff breath. Her expression was fluctuating so fast, I was starting to worry she might make herself sick.

“For the third time, I really just, y’know…want your honest opinion on this. I want to make sure your needs are getting met.”

If I had to guess, that was what it meant to take someone seriously. Especially if that someone was your girlfriend. Girlfriend… The mere thought of the word made my skin itch. Sometimes I was surprised to remember I had a girlfriend. And right now, the girl in question was struggling with a particularly sensitive question. 

“Ado…ma…waba…”

“What was that?” 

I could practically see stars circling her head like a cartoon character. “Nnn,” she whimpered as she looked up at me. If only her tongue was as expressive as those puppy dog eyes. “What about you?”

Wait, what? Was that garbled mess supposed to count as her answer? Then again, it was obvious enough from her stammering and avoiding all eye contact. She could convey so many feelings without a single word, projecting them with her whole heart and soul…and that was probably what I loved about her. 

“What about me?”

Her soaked eyes were in free fall, tilting down, then flashing back up at me. “You know…Shimamura…sexy…”

“Please don’t shorten it to that.” 

My name is Shimamura Hougetsu, thank you very much. And yours is Adachi Sakura…y’know, A.S. Just one letter away from a really naughty word. As I was having these stupid thoughts, I ruminated on her question.

“Well, let’s see… Hmmm…” Put simply, she was more or less asking if I wanted to do sexual stuff, or if I ever looked at her in that way. Hmmm. I started ogling her up and down. “To be totally honest, I can’t say I’ve ever thought about it before.” 

Being with her was fun, but I couldn’t recall ever picturing what she looked like under her clothes. I simply embraced the version of her that was already right in front of me. But maybe that fell short of her hopes. Could she accept it?

As she continued to peek up at me, her lips began to pout a bit. “Then forget it.”

“C’mon, don’t sulk…”

“I’m not. It’s not that… Okay, okay, okay. You want me to say it? I’ll say it… If you’re asking if I have…those thoughts…then, well, you know. But it has to be mutual.” She sat up straight, closing the distance between us. Indeed, whenever she wanted to make progress, she always charged forward. “So I’ll just wait…you know…until you get sexy.”

“…Adachi…”

I admired her courage, but also: Did she have to phrase it like that? My mind was going blank just trying to think of a response.

Still, I was surprised she had the patience to wait for it. In the past, she would have pounced without asking. Maybe she could tell how I felt. Well, if it was even a little bit reassuring for her, then…I was pretty satisfied.

“Sorry I’m so slow, Adachi.”

“You’renotyou’renotI’mfine.” She looked like she was about to pass out, and I hastily bit back a giggle. 

“That being said, personally…I do want to show my appreciation for your kindness, so…you can touch me a little, as a treat.” I spread my arms wide, welcoming her to go wild.

“Hoh?” Her lips formed a perfect circle for her dopey grunt.

“Wherever you wanna touch me. Just one spot, but it can be anywhere.” 

Since she was my girlfriend, it surely couldn’t hurt. For a moment I thought maybe I shouldn’t make this offer lightly, but I quickly thought better of it. This was Adachi I was talking to. No matter where she touched me, I wouldn’t be grossed out—only flustered at most. Love conquers all.

Meanwhile, she was still frozen in place, leaking steam from that perfect circle. “I can touch…your body…?”

“I mean, it doesn’t have to be mine… Wait, no, yes it does.” I could only give permission on my own behalf and no one else’s. 

Her delicate fingertips bent slightly, as if tracing out each letter of touch. She glanced all around the room, then quietly curled into a ball, writhing and grinding her forehead against the floor. As she rolled around in the fetal position, she suddenly arched her body backwards like a shrimp, then just as suddenly curled up again. Her eyes were wide and empty as her sweat sprang to life, and I watched as her once-glossy lips withered and dried before my eyes. She was burning through all the energy in her body. 

Wow. If I had to guess, Adachi agonized more powerfully than any other girl in the entire world. It was the first time I’d ever witnessed a human being wriggling like a bagworm in distress on the floor, and by my estimation, her mind was currently a bar brawl of conflict versus desire versus principles versus fear versus integrity. So who would win? Would desire mow the rest down with its roundhouse punch? Or would integrity leap in from the sidelines to seize victory fair and square? 

More than ever, I was dying for a peek inside her head. I could imagine the screams were enough to fill a room floor to ceiling. But once she made it through this struggle, she would surely come out the other side having grown in some way. 

Wait, really? Hang in there, Adachi! 

No, absolutely not. Hang in there, Adachi.

Eventually, after she’d had her fill of rolling around with the seal plushie, she sat upright, a dull glint in her eyes. Now I was about to see the result of whatever turmoil she’d just clawed her way out of. 

She closed her eyes…extended her left hand out in front of her…and started inching along like a snail in my direction. 

“You sure you should keep your eyes closed?”

“I can’t do this if they’re open!”

“Oh. Sorry,” I replied reflexively. Didn’t know that was how it worked. 

At the end of her mannequin-rigid arm was a fist clenched so tight, it seemed to hold the reins of her passion. To an outside observer, it might have looked like she was about to punch me. And yet, though her eyes were closed, the hand was advancing directly toward…somewhere. Maybe she was just squinting really hard.

I shot a sidelong glance at our open notebooks and chuckled silently. Yeah, I knew we weren’t going to study. So I closed my eyes, too, vowing to accept her touch no matter where it landed. I could picture it: two girls facing each other with their eyes closed, one reaching out to bridge the gap. This is so weird, I thought to myself as I waited in the dark.

And as I waited, what should come to mind but the friends I would hang out with this summer. Every time we met, I always wondered if this would be the last time. But I wanted to see them, so off I went—just as Adachi had come here today. 

A soft light, like the gentle flicker of a candle, rose up inside me, and the timid heat gradually consumed me. Which would melt first: the wax, or my skin? 

Funny how I still recognized her fingers, even with my eyes closed. I could feel her…soul? Was the soul in her hands? Ah, I get it. If I kept honing this sensation, perhaps I too could learn to sense her presence from afar.

My thoughts were a stark departure from what was actually happening.

“Ah…”

Her slightest exhale contained so much, and when I heard it, I returned to reality. My eyes opened, and… 

“So that’s your move, eh?”

This was her intention. What had touched me was her heart. 

As for where she was touching me…well, some things were meant only for the two of us to know.

Her fingers opened and closed faintly, as if grasping at something fuzzy, like a dream. As I watched her, a small smile crept up on my face. She’s in heaven. 

Here we were in a world where someone could die while our eyes were closed, and what on earth were we doing? Maybe you’d roll your eyes at us and scoff. But one day I was going to die, and so would the girl living so recklessly right in front of me. 

If I imagined her face without the panic, without the blushing, all ice and no heat, it made me want to scream. If I pictured her frozen for the rest of time, unwaking and unchanging no matter what I did, the screams in my head got louder. You know…aaaaahh. It’s hard to explain, but I just really didn’t want that. The mere thought was crushing, and painfully so. 

The thought of losing Adachi made me feel like shredded cheese. I could viscerally imagine the sensation of my upper body being torn in half at the shoulders. That was how deeply she was embedded in the fabric of my every day. The roots of her Sakura tree had curled around me, and I could tell I was stuck for life. But the flowers that bloomed overhead were admittedly very pretty, so…it seemed I had chosen to accept it.

Though she was in a constant battle with herself, she had once again held her ground to the very end. 

Someone once told me talent is the ability to do stuff you were never taught. Maybe that was true. But Adachi was at least trying to do the things no one had ever bothered to teach her. Even though she wasn’t sure she could pull it off, she still did her best, in spite of her fear. And if you asked me, that was a type of talent, too.

“Adachi?”

“Wheh?!” She froze, startled, as her sweat levels increased by thirty percent.

“You’re talented, you know that?”

“Hggbbhhg?!” It sounded like she was biting back an explosion. 

With all the emo feelings stuff left out, my comment could be interpreted in a lot of ways. But if I tried to delicately explain what I meant, I was liable to yelp and bounce around myself. Eh, forget it. To minimize the damage, I rerouted my embarrassment into the grade-school approach: 

“Ada-cheechee hor-neenee!” 

“Yyhhh, stbbgg?!” Flailing her empty right hand, she switched from ghostly pale to bright red and back.

This. This was the Adachi I wanted to see. Satisfaction enveloped me like a warm hug as I realized: this was what I wanted from Adachi right now. Maybe it wasn’t the exact same as what she wanted, but I would do my best to reach a compromise.

By studying, learning, and understanding deeply, I could get there with or without any god-given gift. Surely we had the time—time enough for that. And perhaps that was the biggest blessing of all. 

I may not have talent, but I’ll fight tooth and nail to keep up.

I looked at Adachi’s swinging fingers, and as the knowledge that they had touched me slowly sank in, I quietly closed my eyes. Elsewhere in this world, people were dying…and others were taking their first breath.