Adachi to Shimamura - Volume 5 - Chapter 2.1

Chapter 2 – Shimamura’s Sword

She'd definitely picked up the call. I'd checked and made sure. And yet, for some reason, her voice sounded so distant. Unreal. 
It was like right beside my ear, yet another spherical lump had been attached. 
"So, even more silent today than normal?" Shimamura laughed in an awkward manner. I could practically feel her breath against my skin. 
Just like normal. The tone of her voice usually never changed, and it was for the very first time here that I could pick up an emotion of this sort in it. 
I'd been so irritated. The bottom of my stomach had grown stiff like an iron pan, and also just as hot. 
And yet, I knew it made no sense to vent that anger on her. I'd done my best to push down the feelings boiling inside me, only for my mental state to completely crumble, my mind losing any resemblance of balance. Barely holding myself together as it was, I desperately searched for the right words to say. 
For a thread of conversation which would see things proceed smoothly and calmly, have her tell me everything I wanted to know, and most importantly, free me from this horrible situation in which I found myself trapped. 
For something which I knew in the back of my mind didn't exist. 
The soft blow coming from the air conditioner stroked my rolled back. 
The sun was high up in the air, the gigantic clouds before it standing perfectly still as if that was where they lived, stirring up both the town and its people. 
"Adachi? Seriously, what's going on?" 
She sounded genuinely worried about me. 
I, too, wanted to ask her a question. Why? Why? 
"Shimamura..." 
Eight days had passed since I saw Shimamura that night. 
Another large festival, second for the summer, had just taken place, and on the day following it, I— 

This was what being dazed truly referred to, a state where the threads connecting your mind to your body had become loose, with your soul being left dragging behind you—assuming that was even something that existed. I still felt that way. That was how devastating the experience had been. 
Shimamura had attended the festival with another girl. Stuffed in that tiny booth, I'd witnessed it with my own two eyes. Had she noticed me back? I couldn't imagine so. In any case, she'd been holding hands with her sister and that weird little girl with blue hair. Besides them, there had been one more person. A girl. A girl I felt I recognized from somewhere. Smiling softly, she'd walked alongside Shimamura, giving me the impression that the two knew each other. That they were close. What made it even worse was the name she'd called her. 
"Shima." 
A nickname. She'd called her by a nickname. One so informal yet so perfectly natural at the same time. I still needed to call her "Shimamura" or else it sounded weird, but as far as that girl was concerned, she didn't. She was a step ahead of me. Just thinking about that, there being a person like that out there, her standing next to Shimamura, it made me feel like I was going insane. Like I was going to tear out my hair soon. Days had passed since then, and yet, all I wanted to do still was scream. 
Were it not for the fact that I was working that night, I would have run after her. Well, I say that, but it was very well possible that I might not have been able to do so anyway. That the sheer shock would've rendered me unable to move my feet. Or rather, to do anything at all. 
There were definitely things like that out there, too devastating to fully take in. 
The girl wasn't from our class. Shimamura didn't know her through a school club—she didn't participate in any. She also couldn't know her from work for the same reason. 
Their friendship came from outside the part of Shimamura's life I was familiar with. 
While I hadn't been looking for it, I'd now found an unknown side to her. 
A similar thing had happened in the past. However, back then, the person she'd been walking with was Nagafuji, and though the sight had definitely made me both super depressed and incredibly jealous, those feelings were nothing compared to the maelstrom I now found myself swallowed by. A thick cloud of haze—like the condensation of the summer's pleasant warmth—ate me up from inside. Imagine an extremely humid room which won't dry down no matter how much you lower the temperature. It was kinda like that. Nothing else mattered anymore. Just this. Just this pain. 
My body felt like it was dead, and it was only my mind which remained active, as if unable to forget the dazzling radiance of the fireworks. 
I was so tired, so incredibly tired, and yet, I simply couldn't fall asleep. I suppose you wouldn't have been far off describing my current condition as insomnia. 
Utterly incapable of making the time pass, I was left with no choice but to simply lay there, tormented by my thoughts. 
Following the hands of the clock with my eyes didn't help me feel any less depressed, and eventually, I stopped looking at them altogether. 
With my life having lost any resemblance of order, my days were now split into just two parts: daytime and night-time. Besides that distinction, the only thing etched into my mind was the time I was supposed to go to work. My body would get up automatically when the time came. There, I'd do the same stuff as always and then return home. I wonder, what did it say about my job that my efficiency went up when I stopped paying any attention? What did it say about me? 
Was putting effort into things utterly meaningless? Was it the case that I might as well not try? 
Even as I lay there on my bed, I just couldn't stop thinking about my phone, currently sitting on top of my desk. 
I really had hoped that she would call me. 
That she'd offer an explanation. In some faraway corner of my mind, I had actually believed that, that we were somehow special. But, no. Shimamura hadn't called me. She hadn't even texted me. It was almost like I didn't have the right to check and see what was happening on the other side of the calendar. Just like my horrendous stomach pain, that had lasted for over five days now. 
My face buried in my pillow, I could feel my eyes growing warm with tears. 
I really had thought we were special. At least somewhat. 
In my hubris, I'd dared to think that she cared about me more than she did her other friends. 
And yet, that wasn't the case. I'd been made painfully aware that all those assumptions were based on nothing but my own overconfidence. 
As far as Shimamura was concerned, I wasn't special. Not in the slightest. 
I knew it was ultimately my own fault for getting my expectations up, I knew how selfish, how egotistical it made me look, but even so, I couldn't help but feel betrayed. Fine, don't call me. See if I care. In a stubborn fashion, I refused to admit my own mistake, instead finding myself harbouring a certain type of resentment towards her—resentment I knew wouldn't reach her, resentment I knew she would never even become aware of. Neglecting to charge my phone, I passed the time simply lying there, my mind void of any thought. 
The list of things I wanted to do—none of which had been accomplished yet—fluttered in the soft blow of the air conditioner. 
Truly, this summer break was horrible. And so was my complexion. 
"..." 
Three days passed before I was finally ready to give in. 
Turning my back to Shimamura, living without her. That wasn't something I was actually capable of. It had never been. 
There was also something else I'd realised: Take Shimamura out of the equation, and my life suddenly became pretty hollow. Nothing ever happened, I never did anything worth mentioning. Really, were I to break my connection with her, the entirety of my remaining summer break could probably be summarized on a single essay paper without skipping past anything remotely meaningful in the process. If anything, you'd probably be left with tons of room. 
Besides Shimamura, the current me had nothing. I was empty. 
Were you to peel back my skin, you'd find not flesh and bones, but her. Shimamura. 
And yet. And yet. I felt like I might start tearing out my hair soon. Simply allowing my mind to wander caused my eyes to grow wet with tears. 
The fantasies I'd indulged in were not based on anything. I knew that. Even so. Even so. 
Was it really that wrong, wanting to be rewarded? Wanting your efforts to pay off? 
Peeling my face off my pillow—now completely flat and crushed due to me spending the last however many hours lying on it—I reached for my phone, sitting on the corner of my desk as if forgotten there. 
Did it even have any battery left? Unsure, I turned the device on before quickly navigating to the call log. It was empty. No one had called me. 
The most recent name in the list belonged to Shimamura. Hesitating to click it, my finger remained just above the screen. 
I did ultimately decide to click the button, but even so, I couldn't say that I'd done so with much confidence. 
I wanted to back down, but it was already too late. All I could do now was wait for Shimamura to pick up. 
"Hello, Adachi." 
The call immediately connected, bringing us to where we were earlier. 
I was stuck. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even bring myself to greet her back. 

I still wasn't quite able to erase from my mind what the sound and light of the fireworks I'd viewed by myself had brought with them. 
It all felt so, distant. It was like my eyes had become blurred, my ears stuffed. 
"Shimamura, I..." 
That girl, who was she. Who was she. I wanted to ask her that. I wanted to know it. Why? Why? I wanted to ask her all these questions. 
My mind continued rumbling like it was made of something combustible, like it might explode the second I let my guard down. 
I decided to go ahead and stomp my right foot against the floor to see if that could help me relax. 
"Yes? Oh, do you want to like, go hang out somewhere? Is that why you're calling?" 
It was so frustrating that my feelings weren't conveyed to her over the call. So incredibly frustrating. I felt like I might soon scratch out my own throat if this kept up. To answer her question, I did. I did want us to go hang out somewhere. But, not now. Not before this. Placing my hand on top of my head, I squeezed my face tight, almost like embracing it. I could feel my mouth being filled with something bitter as I stood there, my face constricted by the boa snake which was my arm. 
All the things I'd kept inside me were now pouring out, or at least a portion of them. 
"You went to the festival, huh?" 
I decided to go ahead and take a step forward, one which I knew could never be walked back. The insides of my mind grew completely and utterly blank, as if visited by a flood of light. 
I could barely see in front of me. Everything appeared blurry. My eyes weren't focusing on the same thing. 
"With some girl who I don't know." 
"Oh... You were there too, Adachi? Damn. I should've invited you after all then." 
"No! I was, attending a booth. For the restaurant I work at. Chicken. We sold chicken." 
It was only the palpitation of my heart which kept my voice in check. The surface of the ocean of emotion inside me had risen as high as it possibly could, and with each shake, more and more of its contents splashed outside. 
I paused for a second. How was it that these incoherent thoughts sounded like to Shimamura? 
"I see. Hmm, chicken... Oh, yeah. I remembered. Yashiro was totally charmed by the smell." 
"You were there, with some girl who I don't know." 
I went ahead and repeated my earlier statement. Little by little, I was losing my focus, my ability to think. Only the most straightforward parts of my brain were functioning at this point. 
Like a child whose lexicon had run dry, I was left with no choice but to keep sobbing. 
"Yeah, a friend of mine invited me. Umm, so, what about it?" 
Shimamura's words came out perfectly naturally. No guilt could be heard in them, no shame. She did hesitate a little, yes, but even so, it was clear that she was more trying to figure out how to accommodate my strange behaviour than anything else. 
She wasn't ashamed? Of course not. Why would she be? 
From Shimamura's perspective, there was no reason to think she'd done something wrong. 
She'd just gone out with a friend. Simple as that. That was probably all she thought about it. 
However, not me. As far as I was concerned... 
No longer able to contain myself, all the things I'd tried to say but couldn't began gushing out, dragging with them what lay in the very bottom of my heart. 
"What about it? Well, why?" 
"Huh?" 
"Why? Who was that girl? Why did you go with her? Why didn't you tell me? Yes, I'm not friends with her, that's true, but even so, I do want to know more about you, Shimamura. I want to know you better than anyone else. I want to be close to you. Closer than anyone. So close. And yet, why?" 
"Hey, Adachi, hold on—" 
"I—I hate it when you laugh while I'm not there! I hate it when you hold hands with other girls! With someone other than me! I want you to be with me! The festival too, I wanted to go with you! While you were having fun, while you were laughing, I wanted to be there next to you! That's all I ever wanted! My head hurts while I keep thinking about you, always, it feels like it's going to explode! I keep waiting for you to call me, but you never do! Please, Shimamura. Can't you talk to me? Every once in a while? Can't you just call me? Why does it always have to be me? Don't you... Don't you care about me? Not even a little bit? Not at all? I'm nothing to you? Just a friend? Just a regular, normal friend? You don't want to be more than that, more than normal friends? Like, a whole step above it? I do. I do... Shimamura, please. Tell me what I'm supposed to do. Can you hear me? Are you listening to me? What's going through your mind, what does my voice make you think about? Are you thinking about anything? About me? I don't care if you're worried, I don't care whatever it is, please, just think about me. I want it, I need it. Is it bad? Is it bad wanting someone to think about you? Shimamura! Shimamura... I need you, Shimamura. I don't have anyone else. I don't need anyone else... I only need you, Shimamura. Just you, just you. I'm not selfish. I don't care about anyone else. I don't need them. I want them to go away. So then, why? Why do you keep going away too, Shimamura? Please, come to me, come over my way. Stay by my side. Never leave me. I want to be by your side, me, me. Please, let me. That girl, I don't know her. And I'm scared of that. I don't want you to turn into someone I don't recognize. I want to know everything, all there is to know about you. Some things hurt to know, yes, but not knowing about them hurts even more. It hurts. Hurts, hurts... Shimamura. I wanted to invite you to hang out. I wanted to go to the festival with you. And yet, you went with her. That girl. Are you having fun with her? Are you two out somewhere right now? Shimamura, Shimamura... Hey, can you hear me? I'm the only one talking. It's been like that for a while now. You usually talk a lot more. Why? Why isn't this like usual? Am I being weird? Well, yes. I know that I am. But, I can't help it. I want to know more about you, so much that it makes me act strange. I want to be with you, forever, wherever you go. I don't ever want to be separated from you. And yet, I know I'd start crying if I saw you. I am crying, right now. I can't stop thinking about that girl, about all the stuff you do with her. Hey, are you there? Are you listening? Do you like being with her more than you do being with me? Am I not good enough? What part of me? Tell me, and I'll change it. Please, tell me. Tell me. I promise that I'll change. I want to hear it, please. Shimamura. There are so many things that I do because of you, Shimamura. No way is there someone like you out there. I need you, Shimamura. I need you. You. It has to be you. That's why I want to get closer to you. And yet... I want to talk about something else, something other than this stuff, but I just can't help it. I can't stop thinking about your smile. The way you smiled at that girl. I hate it, I hate it when you smile at other people. But, you don't hate me, right? Right? Shimamura, who do you like? Do you have a person you like? Is there someone who likes you? Do you know it means, to like someone? Sometimes, I get really scared. I can't stop myself from thinking, why are you willing to spend time with me? Is it because we're friends? Friends. Yes, we're friends. We've reached that level already. When you think about me, do you see view me as a friend? Shimamura, Shimamura... Hnngh... Please, let me hear your voice. I want to hear your voice. Shimamura, talk to me. I want you to, I want you to know everything there is to know about me. Things that no one else does. I want to know you, and I want you to know me. I want you to be the person closest to me, I want me to be the person closest to you. But, it's not so easy. Whenever something bad happens, I get totally crushed. No matter how minor. I don't have the will to keep going. It's just... It doesn't feel like... you even care about me, Shimamura. Like I'm not important to you. I know it's weird, it is, but I want to be important to you. That's important to me! I hate it when other people see you that way. I can't stand it. Please. Please... Shimamura, do you ever think about me? We haven't met the entire summer break, yes, but have you thought about me at all, even once? Me, I can't stop thinking about you. I think about you all the time. You're the only person, the thing I think about. You're the only thought in my mind. Please, Shimamura! Think about me too! Or what? Are we different? Yes, I know, we are, but still. But still... I keep waiting for you to call me. To text me. Anything. I waited, I waited, but eventually, I just wanted to call you myself. Even after you betrayed me, I still just wanted to call you. And I did. But now, I don't know what to do anymore. Tell me, Shimamura, what am I supposed to do? Shimamura? Are you there? Can you hear me? You're so distant, so far away. I want to see you. I want to see you in person. I want you to laugh, to pat my head, to tell me that everything will be alright. Where are you right now? Who is there with you? Is it that girl? Who is she? Who is that girl? Why won't you tell me when I keep asking you? Is she someone like that? Someone you can't talk about? What's your relationship with her? Are you two close? Closer than we are? No, no. I hate that. I don't want there to be anyone closer to you than me. Please, tell me it isn't so. Tell me that it isn't so! I think so much about you, Shimamura. Is it not enough? Do I need to think about you more? What should I do? I don't know. I have no idea. Everything I try keeps failing. Please, tell me, what do you want me to do? I'll do it. I'll try my hardest. I promise I will. Really, I don't care about that girl. I don't. The Shimamura I want to see is different, I know that. It's just me who needs to change. Me. Only me. And yet... Shimamura. What are you thinking about right now, Shimamura? Do you think that I'm weird? That I'm strange? Talk to me, Shimamura. Talk to me. For once, you talk to me. It's always just me, me, me who's doing it. This is what happens when I have to do everything! I get like this! Shimamura, please. Please come to me. Do you hate me? No, no. Don't hate me. Please. I don't want that. Anything but that... Like me. Yes, like me. I want you to like me. Someone, please just like me. No, that's not it... Shimamura, do you... Do you hate that I like you? Do you hate me like Mom does? Will you stop talking to me? Will you look at me like you didn't know me? What should I say? What am I supposed to do? Should I jump up and down? Should I leap into the air? Should I take your hand? Everyone always does that, but if I do it, you won't look at me anymore. Tell me, what should I do? Tell me. Shimamura... Someone, anyone... I just want to hear your voice... Say something, make me feel safe. But, don't smile at someone else. I hate that. Smile at me. Me. My head hurts. My stomach hurts too. I care about you, I cared about you so much, and yet, you wouldn't even call me. Please, think about me. I want to know more about you. I want to know everything about you. I... I know that I'm going in circles. That I'm just saying the same stuff again and again and again. But, I can't help it. I can't. You're the only thing I can think about. You're so important to me, so important. I don't want that to change. Look at me, please. It hurts me when you don't look at me. When you only look at other girls. I hate it. Are you going out with her again? Where are you going? Somewhere to hang out? Somewhere we used to hang out? With another girl? No. No! Don't erase me! Don't write over the stuff we did! I still remember, I remember it all, but if you write over it... then will it be different the next time? You look at something you know, but it looks different? No, no. No. No. Don't split the things we did together. It's not right. I'm not right. Not alright. I know that. And yet, I just can't get you out of my head. Even now, I just can't... Shimamura, Shimamura... Shima... mura... Shimamura... Shimamura? Shimamura, Shimamura, Shimamura... I'm begging you, Shimamura. Please. Shimamura... Shimamura..." 
The words just didn't stop coming out, and were it not for the tears which eventually filled my mouth, I really did feel like I would've been able to keep on talking forever. I'd taken a step down the hill, and it was now impossible for me to stop rolling. Even if we assume that Shimamura was waiting for me at the top, there simply was no way for me to get back to her. 
I'd heard a voice inside my mind telling me that she was going to misunderstand everything. That she was going to start resenting me. 
I was well aware of what this actually was: jealousy. Simple jealousy, nothing more than that. 
I was jealous. So incredibly jealous. 
I knew that getting angry at her wasn't going to accomplish anything, and yet, I just had no idea where else I was supposed to vent these emotions. 
I'd fallen into a state of confusion where nothing made sense. All I could do was sob. 
But. But. But, but, but. 
"Sigh..." 
I could hear a sigh on the other end of the call. 
It was deep, a deep sigh. So deep it felt like my face had just been split into two with the sharpest knife in the world. 
And then, following that: 

"What a pain..." 

"Huh?" 
A faint flash slipped past the arrows which were my words. 
It was Shimamura's sword. As if slicing through grass, she cut down my fervour in one, clean slash. 
My head had been boiling mere moments earlier, but in an instant, it grew frozen, as if the season itself had changed. 
Like rain, I could feel sweat running down my back. 
"You kept talking on and on, so I just said, what a pain." 
Shimamura's plain, disinterested voice blew past me. Though stiff at the best of times, it sounded even more so right now. 
The droplets of sweat stopped. I felt almost detached from my senses, as if I could see in the corner of my eyes that my pupils were currently wide open. 
My body wouldn't do what I wanted it to. It was almost like all the pain had caused my nerves to become disconnected. 
Leaving behind yet another large sigh, Shimamura ended the call. She hadn't said anything. She hadn't hesitated. No, she had simply ended it, like she couldn't be bothered to deal with me. 
"Huh?" 
Timidly, I pulled the phone away from my ear. 
What a pain. 
Shimamura's voice still lingered within the depths of my ears. 
Meanwhile, the room before me continued swaying up and down. 
My mind froze. I became unable to form any thoughts. 
With both my eyes and tongue pointed in front of me, I just stood there, frozen. 
My body had been shaking earlier, but even that stopped. 
Everything stopped. I was dead.