Bungo Stray Dogs - Volume 1 - Chapter 4

CHAPTER IV 

13th 

I am writing this after returning home for the first time in a long while. 

The simplest path in life is being satisfied with each day for what it is. 

With the help of others, we saved those who were to die. Yet those who were not saved cannot be revived. 

The truth. Problems stem from the truth. Deviating from the truth causes problems in the realm of men. The truth does not move people because living and dying are constants, regardless of any such truths. 

Nobody knows these truths, for we cannot see them. 

And with that, the case came to a close. 

Since then, the agency and myself have been busy dealing with the aftermath of the events. Interviews with the police, insurance claims, dealing with news agencies: There are many clerical tasks that need my care, despite my job title as a private investigator. I’m so swamped with work that I lack even a moment to spare for sentimentality. 

Perhaps realizing there was going to be a lot of office work needing to be done, Dazai said he had “something to look into” and immediately vanished into the ether. I’m going to throttle that man when I find him. 

Many people witnessed the airplane almost crash. The news reported that it was the work of a foreign underground syndicate, and they added that our detective agency had a hand in the leader’s arrest. While the Armed Detective Agency was praised for preventing an unprecedented disaster, there were also many who blamed us for the series of atrocious events because of our involvement. We will continue to receive backlash for the abandoned hospital incident in particular for some time. 

One day, as I finish seeing to my usual piles of routine tasks and reports, the president summons me to his office. 

“You called?” I bow before stepping in. 

“How is work coming along?” the president asks, his eyes still fixed on the documents on his desk. 

“Busy as always. And to make matters worse, Dazai ran off. He said he hates office work, then dumped all his paperwork onto one of our clerks. He’s also somehow managed to avoid all the military investigation department’s interviews. I think putting him in a pot of scalding water should set him straight. Not long enough to kill him, though. He’d like that.” 

“Just make sure to do it somewhere remote where the police won’t find you.” 

The president gathers the documents and seals them in an envelope before looking at me. 

“You did well. We even received a direct honorable mention from one of the MP’s generals. He said, ‘Your detective agency is what others should strive for.’ This has taken some of the weight off my shoulders as well. For a moment…I was even considering closing down the agency permanently.” 

That’s… 

The president continues before I can say anything. 

“There is no agency more valuable than human life. I thought if the continued existence of our organization put people’s lives at risk, then ceasing operations would be for the best… However, everything has been solved. It’s all thanks to your hard work, Kunikida.” 

He rubs his brow with his fingers. The president never expresses any work-related anxieties…but he must be slightly exhausted. 

“So, Kunikida, did you find the answer to your homework?” 

My homework. 

—The “entrance exam.” 

…The task the president assigned me in order to deem whether Dazai is suitable for the agency. 

“If you’re asking about Dazai, then I already have my answer: That man is the worst. He ignores my orders, randomly disappears during work, is obsessed with suicide, flirts with every woman he sees, refuses to do physical labor, and is downright lazy. He is clearly unfit for society. He wouldn’t make it three days at another job before being kicked out.” 

I briefly pause before delivering the verdict I prepared. 

“…However, as a detective, he has exceptional talent. He will undoubtedly become the top detective at our agency within the next few years… He passed the test.” 

“I see. I trust your judgment.” 

The president’s pen glides over the acceptance forms before he stamps them with his seal of approval. Osamu Dazai has officially been accepted into the detective agency. 

“By the way, sir, if it wouldn’t be a problem, I would like to request the rest of the day off.” 

“Do as you please. Is it something important?” 

“I have…some business to attend to.” 

After passing through the grove, I arrive at a small cemetery overlooking the port. The small graves sparsely line up across the slope, bathed in the light reflected from the sea. I walk among the graves until I reach one that’s new. I offer flowers, then put my hands together. 

“Visiting a victim’s grave, Detective Kunikida?” asks a clear voice. 

I open my eyes at the sound and find Miss Sasaki dressed in a white kimono by my side. She holds a bouquet of white chrysanthemums in her right hand. After placing her flowers beside mine, she gently closes her eyes. 

“You look even lovelier in a kimono.” 

“It probably would have been more appropriate to wear a mourning dress, but unfortunately, this is all I own… Detective Kunikida, do you always offer flowers to the graves of the victims?” 

Miss Sasaki and I are here to honor those who were kidnapped and murdered in the basement of the abandoned hospital. 

“Yes. There is no particular reason why I do it. I simply feel I should.” 

Without saying a word, she gazes at me and smiles. The trees on the forest path sway in the gentle ocean breeze. I continue, as if I were talking only to myself. 

“…The first time someone died on the job, I cried so much that I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t even call the agency to tell them I wasn’t coming in. I thought I would never recover. And yet, now I don’t even shed a single tear. That’s why I come here instead. I feel like I need to do something so that the victims can rest in peace.” 

“Would shedding a single tear…help those who passed to rest in peace?” 

“I don’t know. Perhaps it doesn’t do anything. Our calls will not reach the deceased, no matter how much we pray or sob before their graves. Time has stopped for them. All we can do is mourn and believe that we live in a world where it is normal for people to die and for the living to mourn them.” 

“…You’re a cruel person, Detective Kunikida.” 

As I turn to face her, I’m taken by surprise. Tears well in her eyes as she tries not to cry. 

“I lied to you the other day. The man I said I broke up with… He actually passed away. He was a man of ideals. I did everything I could to support him, yet…he died without ever telling me he loved me.” 

I’m sure a considerate person would be able to offer kind words of comfort during times like this. 

“Oh.” But all I offer her is one foolish, simple word. 

“The departed are cowards. It is exactly as you say, Detective Kunikida. Time has stopped for the dead, and there is nothing we can do to bring them joy or make them smile. I’m— I’ve grown tired.” 

Unable to hold it in any longer, she lets a large teardrop slide down her cheek. If an all-knowing wise man knew the exact right words to say, would even he be able to stop those tears? 

I don’t know. I’ve gone through trials and tribulations to pursue my ideals, write them in my notebook, and make them a reality. Even now, I wonder if there exists a perfect word or a perfect salvation to save every single person on this planet. But such an endeavor means nothing before a lone woman’s tears. 

“I apologize. I let my emotions get the best of me… I should be going soon.” 

“Are you okay?” 

A stupid question, I admit. 

“Yes, I’m fine. I was actually asked to be a consulting analyst for this case by the military police. It is within my field of expertise, and this is a very complicated case…so I am meeting with the government official in charge after this.” 

Anyone who consults for the MP must be someone of top caliber. Even ignoring the fact that she had a hand in solving this case, she still must have an impressive track record in the field. 

“Well, if I ever run into trouble at work, I will make sure to get in touch with you.” 

“Yes, please do.” 

She finally smiles. The breeze from over the horizon brushes past the mountain ridges. With a silent bow, she leaves. After watching her fade into the distance, I turn to the city of Yokohama and idly gaze at the scenery. 

Suddenly, my phone rings, catching my attention. It’s Dazai. 

“Kunikida, I need you to come here.” 

His voice is unusually dark for a change. 

“What did you ask me to come here for?” 

Dazai told me to meet him at the abandoned hospital where the first incident took place. Under the warmth of the sun, what the darkness had turned into an eerie, ominous abandoned hospital proves to be nothing more than a faded, deserted building. Radiant sunlight peeks through the shattered window of what used to be a sickroom, illuminating the floor. 

“How in the world do you remove the safety on this gun?” 

I look over. He has a gun, surprisingly enough. It’s a compact pistol belonging to our agency that uses double-column magazines. Any employee of ours is free to borrow one. 

“You called me all the way over here to ask me that?” 

In awe of his stupidity, I remove the black pistol’s safety. He aims the muzzle a few times at some empty space before opening his mouth again. 

“Y’know, I have a hard time believing that arms dealer was the Azure Apostle.” 

—What? 

“I mean, it has to be, right? There’s no way they could’ve done all that on their own. Plus, what’s the motive?” 

“What about the reason they gave me? The Armed Detective Agency was getting in the way of their business in Yokohama, so they planned all this to get rid of us.” 

“Yeah, and that’s probably what they believe, too. But is that really something they just had to do?” 

“…What are you getting at?” 

“Well, they saw the detective agency as a threat after the whole Azure King incident, but we’re not the only armed organization that would get in their way. They’d have to keep an eye out for the military, the coast guard—and if we’re talking skill users, the Home Affairs Ministry’s Special Division for Unusual Powers. Don’t you think it’s a little overkill to cause such a scene just to go after the detective agency? It’s not cost-effective.” 

“Get to the point.” 

“Somebody manipulated them—convinced them that the detective agency was their biggest threat.” 

Don’t tell me that the real Azure Apostle is still out there, then? 

“So tell me, Dazai. Do you already have an idea of who this person is?” 

“Yep.” 

“Who is it?!” 

I can’t help grabbing Dazai by the collar, but he doesn’t even bat an eye as he stares directly into mine. 

“I e-mailed them and asked them to come here. Said I had evidence that they were the real culprit. They should be here any minute now.” 

What? 

I survey the room. 

It’s extremely ordinary, most likely a sickroom at one point. The entrance is in front with a window in the back. Two rusted bed frames lie before us while an empty medicine cabinet stands by our side. There is nothing else in here. It’s basically empty—not even much dirt or dust on the floor, either… The real culprit is coming here of all places? 

“I hear footsteps,” Dazai suddenly says. 

I reflexively look to the entrance. I can hear them, too, one after another, slowly coming this way. I notice Dazai tightly holding the pistol. So that’s why he brought it. I already returned my gun to the president. Should I use my notebook to make another? No, there’s not enough time. 

Sweat unexpectedly drips down my cheek. The footsteps are getting louder. They’ll be here any second now. I see their feet—their body—their face— 

“The hell are you doing here, Four-Eyes?” 

The person standing at the entrance is… 

“Why…are you here?” 

“I oughta be asking you the same thing. Did you come here to find out the truth, too?” 

Standing in the doorway is the young hacker Rokuzo. 

—Are you the one behind this? 

Are you the Azure Apostle? 

My brain automatically jumps into gear. Rokuzo would indeed be able to remotely access Dazai’s computer and send an e-mail. Not only that, my suspicions about Dazai stemmed from the information Rokuzo gave me. Furthermore, contacting foreign underground syndicates and providing biased information wouldn’t be that difficult for an illegal hacker, either. And above all…he has a motive. He has a motive to resent the detective agency—a motive to resent me. 

“Why, Rokuzo? Is it my fault? Is that it? Because it’s my fault your father died—you resented me that much?” 

“My father? Yeah, I hate the man who killed my dad. Obviously. But, Four-Eyes—” 

Dazai suddenly speaks up. “It looks like some hacker was reading my e-mails, huh?” 

What? 

Dazai…I thought you said you e-mailed the real culprit? 

Just then… 

A gunshot. 

A large hole opens in Rokuzo’s chest. 

Fresh blood sprays from the wound. 

“?” 

Rokuzo collapses forward with his mouth open as if he was trying to tell me something. 

He’s been shot. 

I automatically look at Dazai, but his gun is at his side. His expression is cold as well. I hear a voice coming from behind Rokuzo’s body at the entrance. 

“Detective Kunikida… I apologize.” 

A shadow appears before the doorway. 

Long black hair. Delicate lips. A white kimono. A faintly smoking pistol in hand. 

She walks over Rokuzo’s body as she approaches us. 

It’s strange. 

She was so…beautiful. 

“So you’re the Azure Apostle.” My voice echoes in the room as if it belongs to someone else. 

“Yes.” 

Her dignified tone, clear as a bell, causes my heart to skip a beat. 

“So, Miss Sasaki…you admit you’re the mastermind behind all this?” Dazai asks. 

“Detective Dazai, I beg of you. Please…drop the gun. If you don’t…” 

She points the muzzle at him. 

“How ’bout this: I’ll get rid of the gun if you answer a few questions for me. Deal?” 

“Certainly. Ask whatever you like.” 

“All right, I’m dropping the gun now.” Dazai casually lets the gun fall to the floor with a clatter. 

“Miss Sasaki, why did you target the detective agency?” 

“I believe you know why, Detective Dazai.” 

“I’m impressed. You tried hiding it when we were around, but you’re sharp. I can see why you’re such a celebrated criminal psychology researcher at your age.” He continues resignedly, “There are two things you wanted to do: one, punish criminals, and two, get your revenge on the detective agency. Am I right?” 

Punish criminals? That sounds just like— 

“This is…the only way I could think of.” 

“Was there even a point in taking revenge?” 

“Detective Dazai, all revenge is meaningless. I just… I had to do it. Even though I knew it was wrong, I had to do it for him or else I felt I might lose control of myself.” 

Revenge? 

A lot of people hold grudges against the detective agency. The number of those who want to take revenge on us is endless. 

“You’re right. Revenge is something you do despite knowing that it’s meaningless. And unfortunately…you didn’t have anyone else to exact revenge upon.” 

—“He actually passed away.” 

—“He was a man of ideals.” 

“Alone, you’re helpless, but with your brain and knowledge of criminals, you were able to punish crooks for their wrongdoings time and time again. That’s why this Azure Apostle plan was something you had to do.” 

Dazai pauses, then glances at me before speaking again. 

“Every single action of yours was part of a vengeful crusade for your deceased lover—the Azure King.” 

The Azure King. 

An unusual terrorist who committed crimes to punish criminals. 

The detective agency learned of his whereabouts…and now he’s dead. 

“There were whispers in the past speculating that he might’ve had an accomplice, given how intricate his crimes were. However, the authorities at the time concluded that while he may have hired some people to help carry out the crimes, there were no signs of an actual accomplice who shared his views. They based their conclusion on the fact that criminals generally band together for two reasons: because they share political views or because they’re splitting the spoils of their crimes. But the Azure Banner Terrorist case wasn’t about money or politics… Nobody even imagined that the Azure King had a romantic partner who was a far better strategist than he was.” 

“He was…a man of noble character. The rampant crime pained his heart. He tormented himself searching for a way to create an ideal world where nobody had to suffer. Once he realized that simply obeying the law couldn’t save everyone, he aspired to join those who create the laws—a government official.” 

Miss Sasaki continues in a detached manner as if she is releasing pent-up emotions. “And yet, even then, it was a difficult path. The corrupt system, the interference of his colleagues, the misunderstandings from his boss—he was crushed. He agonized over it, and every time he got up, he was knocked back down. Just watching him, I could see that this path he had chosen was no different from walking barefoot over a bed of nails. Then, one day, he simply had enough. He lost his way, unable to realize his ideals, so he tried to slice open his stomach and kill himself. Unable to bear it…I devised an unspeakable plan.” 

Dirtying one’s own hands to punish the wicked… 

Walking a path of carnage to realize one’s ideals… 

“Miss Sasaki, would I be correct to assume that most of the crimes the Azure King committed were your idea? You did it for the man you loved.” 

“And I don’t regret it,” she states clearly. “His ideals are my ideals. I would commit acts of pure evil with bloodstained hands just to bring them to fruition.” 

“But the Azure King is dead. The detective agency had him cornered, and he killed himself along with Rokuzo’s father. It should’ve ended then.” 

“No, it couldn’t be stopped. The plan was only halfway finished back then. There were criminals who still needed to be punished. And…perhaps you will laugh at me, but when faced with the reality of his death, I simply couldn’t live with my own inaction any longer.” 

“So you came up with a plan to get the remaining criminals to voluntarily commit crimes so that our detective agency would punish them. You predicted that we’d have to pursue and arrest them if you created a scandal.” 

The taxi driver left no evidence of his kidnappings, the bomber Alamta didn’t even exist in Japan as far as the records showed, and the arms dealer was involved in organ trafficking, secretly trying to import weapons. Each case involving these invisible criminals would be extremely difficult to take to court with the current laws and regulations in place. 

“The most beautiful thing about your scheme is that you never had to dirty your own hands. In fact, I bet you even had the arms dealers set up the surveillance equipment, prepare an area to confine the kidnapped victims, and make a deal with the bomber Alamta. I bet you didn’t even lift a finger. Even until the very end, the arms dealer and his group believed they were doing everything of their own free will. That’s why there was no evidence. Not even the arms dealers figured out how you, the initial source of the information, intentionally misrepresented the situation. That’s why the only conclusion the authorities could come to was that this was a mishandling of information among arms dealers.” 

I felt it when I was pursuing the kidnapper and when I was questioning Dazai: The person behind this will not soil their own hands. A criminal who has committed no crimes cannot be judged by the law. 

—Is that really okay? 

—Is a world that allows such injustice forgivable? 

“Then you pretended to be one of the kidnapped victims so that we wouldn’t even doubt you. It was also how you initiated contact with the detective agency. You were the only one the taxi driver didn’t kidnap. Everything seemed to make sense, so we didn’t press you for answers at the time, but there was absolutely no reason for the kidnapper to go out of his way to abduct a woman who fainted at the train station, especially when there were many witnesses. He already had a low-risk plan that worked, which was to kidnap people on their way to their hotel. Also, if he claimed he didn’t know you, then he’d basically be confessing that he knew the other victims, and that’s why he couldn’t say anything. And just like that, you played on everyone’s emotions until you brilliantly sneaked into the detective agency.” 

There is a deep crevice now between Dazai’s eyebrows. 

“Miss Sasaki, I just don’t understand. Someone as smart as you could have accomplished so much in criminal psychology. Or you could’ve even gotten involved in the government’s criminal investigation system and created a more advanced crime-fighting organization. I’m not saying it would’ve been perfect, but the world would’ve at least been a better place because of it. And yet…” 

“I…have no ambitions of my own. I just didn’t want to see him in pain anymore.” 

Why? 

One question continues to spin in the back of my head. 

Just why? 

Who is wrong? Who betrayed their ideals? 

“Miss Sasaki, it’s over. Despite working so hard not to dirty your hands—to be invisible—you won’t be able to cover up killing Rokuzo. We’re witnesses, and you’ll be tried under the full extent of the existing laws.” 

“I am afraid not.” 

She points the muzzle at Dazai. 

Absurd… Does she really think she can threaten us with that after all that’s happened? 

“There will not be any witnesses, and you will not be able to testify. Because if you tell anyone what happened here, I will resume my attack against the detective agency.” 

A slight smile rises to Miss Sasaki’s eyes as she threatens us. Did she calculate even this outcome beforehand—? 

“Stop.” 

The hoarse word rises out of my dry throat. 

“Stop. It’s over. I will not allow you to attack the detective agency ever again.” 

“Please, Detective Kunikida, don’t move.” 

“Stop! Why?! Why are you doing this?! We’re not the ones you should be aiming your gun at!” 

“Then tell me. Who should I be pointing it at? Who should I despise?” 

“That’s—” 

Is there anyone who fits the bill? The cause of all this? There has to be an ideal world where everyone can be saved, and there has to be something sinister blocking that path. There must be something… I’m sure of it… 

Perhaps taking my hesitation as the absence of an answer, she frowns and looks away. 

“As in the past, I will continue to be the one who fights for his ideals—the Azure King’s ideals. And you, the detective agency, will not be able to stop that. That’s why…” 

Miss Sasaki slowly lowers the gun. 

“Let’s make a deal. You promise to leave me alone, and I promise I won’t attack the agency. I will go somewhere else, use another organization, and do the same thing. And after that, I will do it again…and again after that. I will not allow you to get in my way.” 

“That’s it?” 

Dazai turns a piercing gaze on Miss Sasaki. 

“You of all people should understand, Detective Dazai. You always think ahead, doing whatever produces optimal results without being swayed by your emotions. Meaning you should know there is only one option here.” 

“You’re absolutely right. I’m not going to do anything.” 

“…Farewell.” 

Miss Sasaki gazes into my eyes, then faintly smiles. Will she really continue doing this—deceiving others, manipulating criminals, and leaving countless bodies behind as the Azure Apostle, following in the steps of a ghost? 

—“Time has stopped for the dead, and there is nothing we can do to bring them joy or make them smile.” 

—“I’ve grown tired.” 

I cannot allow her to kill anyone. That is not what’s ideal, and an ideal world unquestionably exists. Who is at fault here? What do I have to do to find the answer? How can I reach these ideals? 

“Detective Kunikida,” she whispers. “When you saved me in the basement…you didn’t even hesitate for a moment to pull me out from that water tank. While I may have been deceiving you…what you did…made me happy. Since this is the last time we will ever meet, I have one last thing I want to tell you, Detective Kunikida.” 

Gunshots. 

Three bullets pierce Miss Sasaki’s chest. 

Blood sprays from the holes in her bosom. 

She twirls in her white kimono like a flower petal fluttering in the wind. 

Then, just like a marionette cut from its strings— 

“Sasaki!” 

I rush over and lift up her body. She’s light, reminiscent of a porcelain doll. The blood flows from her wounds, staining her kimono crimson. 

“Eat…shit…” 

I look up. A black pistol rests in Rokuzo’s hand as he lies collapsed on the floor. 

“You…and the Azure King… You killed…my father…!” 

Gun smoke rises into the air. A fierce smirk crosses Rokuzo’s pale lips as he lies in a pool of his own blood. 

“That was…for my father…! He stood…for justice! Eat shit and…die…!” 

The gun falls out of Rokuzo’s hand, and his face drops into the red puddle. He faintly twitches…and goes still. 

“Detec…tive…Kuni…kida…” 

Miss Sasaki whispers in my arms. A drop of blood gently slides out of the corner of her mouth. 

“Something about you…reminds me of him…” 

Her dark-brown eyes tremble as they reflect the light. 

“Please…don’t let…your ideals…kill you…… I………love……” 

………………………………………………………………………… 

She’s dead. 

“Kunikida, she killed too many people. This is how it had to be.” 

Blood rushes to my head. 

“DAZAI!” 

I tightly seize him by the lapels, but he doesn’t even blink. All he does is gaze back into my raging eyes. 

“Kunikida, the ideal world you’re after doesn’t exist. Give it up.” 

“Shut up! She was just one woman! She hardly even knew how to use a gun! There was no reason to kill her! If you would have given us some time to plan, we could have found a way where nobody else had to die! Why…?!” 

“I wasn’t the one who killed her. That was Rokuzo.” 

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice?!” I point to the black pistol lying beside Rokuzo. “That’s your gun! You kicked it over to Rokuzo when I was talking to her because you knew he would kill her!” 

From where Dazai is standing, he could kick the gun under the bed to Rokuzo without Miss Sasaki noticing. 

“I didn’t kill her.” 

“Indirectly, you did!” 

“Sorry, but you can’t prove that I had any intention to. The one who held the gun and pulled the trigger with the intent to kill was Rokuzo. All I did was trip on a gun that was lying on the ground.” 

A murderer who doesn’t soil their own hands… 

Getting someone to kill another human being for you: What Dazai did was no different from what Miss Sasaki did. There is no way to prove their intention to kill under current laws and regulations, and they would go unpunished. 

“Kunikida, that was the only way to save her. This was the best we could have hoped for.” 

“You’re wrong!” I scream. “There is no way this is ideal or even good! There must have been something we could have done. There must have been a real underlying problem we just weren’t seeing! Because…” 

If Miss Sasaki really resented the world… 

…if she really wanted to eliminate us… 

…then she wouldn’t have stopped me when I tried to walk into the poison gas. If she hadn’t, I would have breathed it in and died. If she wanted revenge, then she could have easily killed me then. She could have made it look like an accident, and nobody would have doubted her. 

But she saved me. Why? Was it…on instinct? A reflex? 

Struggling to speak, I hit Dazai with the facts. “Because the truth is, she didn’t want to do any of this! She had no interest in a world where criminals were killed for their crimes! She just…” 

—“I just didn’t want to see him in pain anymore.” 

—“You mustn’t touch the lock!” 

“Tell me! Was it right for her to be shot and killed?! Is this the ideal world I seek?!” 

Dazai just looks at me as he softly strings his words together. 

“Kunikida, people who believe there is a right and a wrong—people who believe in the existence of an ideal world—they’re the ones who end up resenting the world and hurting those around them when things don’t go the way they want…just like the Azure King. When those ideals and beliefs are carried out, the victims are the weak and defenseless.” 

He stares off into the distance. 

“A cry for righteousness is like a sword. Just as it may harm the weak, it will also never be able to protect or save them. The Azure King’s righteousness is what killed Miss Sasaki.” 

Dazai’s criticism drives deep. I was chasing after righteousness and ideals. I was able to rise above all adversity in order to realize them. 

“Kunikida. As long as you continue to pursue those ideals and remove those who get in your way, then one day you, too, will come to harbor the Azure King’s rage. There will be nothing left around you then—only ash. I’ve seen it happen all too often.” 

It is as if he’s staring at something only he can see—something beyond my comprehension, like the abysmal darkness that resides in every human’s heart. 

“I…” 

I let go of Dazai. I understand what he’s saying. Perhaps righteousness isn’t something you seek in others but something you search for inside yourself. 

Even then… 

Miss Sasaki is dead, and so is Rokuzo. 

All I’ve found in my search for righteousness within myself is a sense of hopelessness. 

“……” 

I gaze out the abandoned hospital’s window. The crimson spider lilies sway in the decaying garden out front. Even if I close my eyes, the flowers are still there, burned on the back of my eyelids…along with a trace of her smile.