Bungo Stray Dogs - Volume 3 - Chapter 1

A DAY AT THE DETECTIVE AGENCY 

“Kunikida, how did the Armed Detective Agency get started anyway?” 

Sitting at a café, Junichiro Tanizaki curiously tilted his head. The tall man sitting on the other side of the table furrowed his already wrinkled brows, then replied with the utmost seriousness, “You don’t even know that?” 

“No, I don’t… Sorry.” 

It was night. Two men sat facing each other at a narrow-seated table at the back of a café. Resting on the table between them were sesame dango and houjicha—roasted green tea—for two. Both men were stern-faced. A stranger would instinctively do a double take at the curious scene, but these two were agents at the Armed Detective Agency in the middle of a late-night meeting. This vaguely old-fashioned teahouse was Café Uzumaki, located on the first floor of the same building the Armed Detective Agency worked out of. 

“I work here, and I still don’t even know how it got started. Do you, Kunikida?” 

“Of course I do.” Doppo Kunikida nodded, seated across from Tanizaki. 

“I knew you would,” Tanizaki said with a smile. 

“Only a faint idea, though.” 

“A faint idea?” 

“Yeah, I heard it all secondhand, though. The agency was established roughly a decade ago, by the president. Word is, something happened around then, and then the agency was born.” 

Tanizaki nodded. “I see. You, uh… You really do only have a faint idea, huh?” 

“Well, I wasn’t lying, was I? I don’t know any more details than that. I never got another chance to ask about it. Why don’t you ask the president yourself?” 

Tanizaki grew slightly flustered. “M-me? No way. I’m still a nobody at the agency.” 

“Rank is irrelevant. The president isn’t the kind of person who would keep secrets like this.” 

“But, like, I’d be way too nervous… Have you seen the president’s eyes when he’s angry? He could burn a hole through an iron plate. He’d probably even make a little girl cry.” 

“That’s right.” Kunikida nodded in agreement. “The president is a master of martial arts of all styles. Ever since he founded the detective agency, he’s managed to uproot all sorts of evils and uncover numerous conspiracies. He’s head and shoulders above the rest. A single glare from that man could bring blood spewing out of the eyes of several little girls, instantly killing them. Instantly,” Kunikida repeated once more for emphasis. 

“That sounds like a curse,” said Tanizaki. 

“And that’s why he’s the president. So why did you want to know how the agency was founded? No, I mean—I completely understand why you would be curious about your employer, but why now?” 

“Well, about that…,” Tanizaki began as he took a sip of tea, but it was apparently still too hot. “Yow!” he exclaimed, sticking out his tongue, then continued. “Because Dazai asked me.” 

“Dazai?” Kunikida’s expression immediately tensed. 

“Yeah, so I—” 

“Hold on. Wait. Give me a moment to calm down a little.” Kunikida raised his hand to signal to Tanizaki to pause. “Lately, I’ve been getting horrible stress-induced stomach pains whenever I hear his name. Just sensing he’s nearby brings flashes of black and white over my field of vision. It’s a natural warning signal, so just give me a few seconds to relax.” 

“Th-that sounds awful… I know how you feel, though…” Tanizaki’s expression was pure pity. 

“I’m the only one in the agency who can keep that worthless vagabond Dazai in check. Well, nobody can truly control him, but…the president has asked me to manage and supervise him. In other words, the president trusts me, so I cannot abandon my role to—” 

Kunikida suddenly stopped midsentence. He gazed up at the ceiling, then rubbed his eyes. “Hmm…?” he asked. “Suddenly, the lighting seems off, like it’s flickering…” 

Tanizaki curiously looked up at the lights, but there was nothing abnormal in the slightest. 

“That’s my cue! ?” 

“Ahhh!” Kunikida’s chair rattled noisily. 

A tall young man with messy black hair stood near the entrance. Draped in a khaki coat, he leaned his lanky figure against the café entrance while dangling a paper bag in his right hand. 

It was Osamu Dazai—a member of the Armed Detective Agency just like the other two. “Ah, I never get tired of hearing Kunikida’s lovely screaming. I could practically see his life span shortening with my own two eyes. Oh, I’ll have my usual black tea, ma’am.” 

The middle-aged café owner poked her head out from the back. “Oh, Dazai! Handsome as ever, I see!” she called out to him. 

“Right back at you, ma’am!” Dazai returned the compliment with a wave, then took a seat right next to Kunikida. The already cramped table became even more so. 

“Dazai… What are you doing here?” asked Kunikida in a growl, like a wounded beast threatening its natural enemy. 

“Huh? I came so I could shave a few years off your life, of cour—” 

Kunikida wrapped his hands around Dazai’s neck and violently shook him before he could even finish his sentence. 

“How much do I have to suffer by your hand before it’s enough?! When…will…it…stop…?!” 

“Wa-ha-ha-ha!” Dazai cackled, still being shaken. 

“C-come on, let’s calm down, you two. We’re in public.” 

Tanizaki’s eyes darted around the shop restlessly. However, this café was on the first floor of the same building the detective agency was in. Dazai’s eccentric behavior and Kunikida’s yelling were nothing new to the owner or even the other customers. Everyone warmly watched them from their seats as if they were observing a schoolyard tussle between two brothers. 

As the patrons’ affectionate gazes fell on him as well, Tanizaki forced a half-hearted laugh. He had no other choice. Kunikida continued to shake Dazai, while Dazai continued to enjoy the punishment. 

“You’re too laid-back! How dare you show your face again this late at night! Where were you at work today?! Out annoying someone just like you always do, no doubt! Who do you think cleans up after you and apologizes for your mess?!” 

“Oh, that’s clearly y—” 

“There is no way in hell I’m going to let you finish that sentence!” 

Kunikida twisted Dazai’s neck, letting out a slight pop. Pure bliss was the only way to describe the look on Dazai’s face. 

“Um, anyway…” Tanizaki spoke up. “I was telling Kunikida what we talked about earlier. You know, when you asked me why the Armed Detective Agency exists.” 

“What?” Kunikida cast Dazai a dubious gaze. 

“Yep.” Dazai’s twisted neck cracked and popped as he adjusted it. “I just met with Tanizaki around noon today.” 

“Where?” 

“At a bar.” 

As the seconds crawled by, Kunikida’s expression gradually started to look like a patient with neurotoxins slowly poisoning his body. 

“I figured you were out drinking somewhere when you skipped work today, so that’s fine. I’ll save my anger for later. However, Tanizaki, what were you doing there? Don’t tell me you were playing hooky as well? Surely an eighteen-year-old wouldn’t be skipping work to day drink. Various studies and statistics have demonstrated the negative effects of underaged drinking, and there is clear proof that alcohol affects the secretion of testosterone. But regardless of the studies, if you start drinking now, your brain is going to turn into mush like his!” Kunikida firmly pointed to Dazai by his side. 

“You may call me Mushy Brains.” Dazai quickly lowered his head and bowed. 

“N-no, you’ve got the wrong idea!” Tanizaki waved his hands in a fluster. “I was there for work. I was told to go to the bar, and when I went, I ran into Dazai, and—” 

“Yep. Nice seeing you there!” 

“What…? So you went there for work? To a bar where Dazai just happened to be? …I find it hard to believe that this was a coincidence…which means Dazai asked you to meet him there. Did he ask you to pay his tab? Or did he cause a scene and need you to…?” 

Kunikida stopped himself. His face turned pale before he bent forward at the waist. 

“D-don’t tell me… It was the opposite? Did more trouble find him again? Is that it?” 

“I’m sorry, Kunikida.” Tanizaki lowered his gaze apologetically. 

“Sheesh, it wasn’t a big deal. Certainly nothing worth glowering over like that.” Dazai gleefully smirked. “All I did was drink and make merry with the folks at the bar, have a chat, listen to their stories, and go home. I promise… Oh, and there was a bomb somewhere in there.” 

“…” 

Kunikida’s upper body slowly rocked back and forth as he sat in silence. 

“…Kunikida?” Worried, Tanizaki called out his colleague’s name. 

“I…passed out for a second there,” Kunikida uttered feebly while lifting up his head. “A bomb…? Tanizaki, why didn’t you say something at the start of our meeting? Who planted the bomb? Have the city police done anything about it? Did the military police’s bomb squad take care of it? What happened to the bomb?” 

“It’s right here.” Dazai dropped a paper bag on the table with a thud. 

“Aggghhh!” Startled, Kunikida jumped back—chair and all. 

“Don’t worry. Despite its realistic appearance, it’s a fake.” Dazai shrugged. “I’ll make this short. The bomb was delivered yesterday to my usual haunt, addressed to me from an anonymous sender. I opened the package and found this inside. Right when I unwrapped it, the fuse came off. Even the slightest movement might have caused it to explode, so the city police and the detective agency were duly contacted.” 

“And that’s why I was sent over there,” said Tanizaki. 

“I swear, every single time… How do you manage to constantly get yourself involved in these messes?” 

Kunikida’s face was twisted in anguish as if he had just eaten a poisonous mushroom. 

“Aw, c’mon, it’s just a fake.” At that moment, the tea Dazai ordered was brought to the table. Grinning, Dazai dropped a few sugar cubes in his teacup before taking a sip. Then he said, “This bomb ended up being a timer without any explosive components inside. Nothing more than a replica. Someone was just messing with me. Anyway, I already spoke with the perpetrator, so everything’s okay now.” 

“Were they arrested?” 

“Yep. I found a scrap of paper when I opened the bomb that said, ‘Keep your eyes on me and me alone.’ Turns out it was one woman’s unique yet extreme way of telling me she was obsessed with me. I had a few ideas as to who it could be, so I contacted them one by one until I found the criminal. After a good scolding, I convinced her it just wasn’t going to work out between the two of us. Besides, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself at the pub if she kept sending me bombs every day.” 

Kunikida, in that moment the picture of exhaustion itself, stared at Dazai. 

“…I see.” 

His response was brief, but the look on his face essentially said, “I can’t even begin to fathom why someone like him is so popular with women.” 

“And then one of the cops who showed up said to me, ‘It’s thanks to the Armed Detective Agency’s efforts to keep the city safe that we can do our jobs properly.’ Or something like that. I mean, how weird is that?” 

“Oh?” Kunikida cocked an eyebrow. “Well, isn’t that nice… Not that you’d be in any position to complain if the cop drop-kicked you for getting bomb threats thanks to your half-assed flirting with every girl you see! You’re a menace to women everywhere!” Kunikida yelled while sternly kicking Dazai’s chair. 

“It certainly is a good thing, though,” claimed Tanizaki with a strained smile. “I was equal parts grateful and suspicious. I mean, it’s the police’s job to protect the city so that the citizens can work in peace, isn’t it? That got me wondering why the president started a business that even the police appreciate.” 

“And that’s what we talked about at the pub today,” added Dazai with a smile. 

“I see.” Kunikida crossed his arms. “Danger does come with the job. Starting an agency isn’t something you can do on a whim. But as you know, the president is a man of humanity and justice. Search the entire country, and you still won’t find someone as fit for the job as he is. Personally, I believe the agency’s founding was divine providence.” 

Kunikida took a sip of his tea, then scowled at Dazai out of the corner of his eye. 

“Speaking of the detective agency,” Kunikida continued with an acidic note in his tone, “I just remembered something—Dazai, what happened with that kid?” 

“What kid?” 

“The homeless one you took in yesterday,” Kunikida replied as he placed his cup on the table. “You mentioned you wanted to employ him at the agency. Were you being serious? Because that’s not something any sane person would do. Not only is he a total stranger, the boy’s also a dangerous skill user and designated beastly threat within the local ward. And you want the agency to hire him?” 

“Heh-heh-heh. I’m more than serious about it. In fact, that’s why I came here today. Ah, I can’t wait.” 

“Oh, I heard about that,” said Tanizaki, leaning forward in his chair. “This is the case where you had to catch a man-eating tiger that ended up actually being a street urchin boy with the ability to transform into a tiger, right? I can’t believe you guys were able both to solve such a bizarre case in under a day and take a skill user into custody without issue. You aren’t known as the best duo in the agency for nothing.” 

“Oh, stop. You’re embarrassing me.” 

“We’re not a ‘duo.’” 

Dazai and Kunikida spoke at the exact same time. 

However, the fact of the matter was that they were the most talented duo in the agency when it came to solving tough cases, and they had boasted a record of solving the most difficult cases ever since Dazai joined the company two years ago. Outsiders who didn’t know their personalities or how much they didn’t get along often thought they were the perfect pair. Ignorance is bliss. 

“At any rate…,” Kunikida said while glaring at Dazai. “I’m against the idea, but if you’re serious about this, then you need to go talk it over with the president. If he agrees, then I won’t say another word about the matter.” 

“Already done,” Dazai replied, beaming. “He told me to come up with an entrance exam.” 

“Seriously? So you’re saying he gave you permission?” asked Tanizaki. 

“Yep. Just one thing, though…” Dazai placed his thumb to his lips as if deep in thought. “I still haven’t thought of what I’m gonna get Atsushi to do for his entrance exam. Such a serious matter shouldn’t be left to me to decide alone. Right, partner?” 

Dazai sent Kunikida a sly smirk after he finished. 

“Of course.” Kunikida crossed his arms grumpily. “The entrance exam is an important rite of passage, a test of one’s compatibility with the agency and the authenticity of their very soul. Furthermore, this newcomer is a designated threat to the local ward. One wrong move, and the agency itself could fall under suspicion for illegally harboring a dangerous beast. I can’t argue with you if the president has given you permission, but we must be more thorough than usual with this exam. No way I’m letting you pull some idea out of your ass to test him.” 

“Then it’s settled.” Dazai tossed back the rest of his tea with mirth before standing. “Let’s go. I’ve already called everyone to the agency’s conference room.” 

“…For what?” Kunikida asked flatly. 

“To get started on what you just said.” Dazai stuck out his index finger to get everyone’s attention and smirked. “Boss’s orders. We need everyone’s wisdom in order to determine what this newcomer—our new rising star—can do for the agency.” 

Dazai took in a deep breath, then declared: 

“Let the first entrance exam trial meeting begin!” 

The Armed Detective Agency was a private organization made up of skill users. There were the investigators who solved client cases, and office staff in charge of gathering intel, handling client relations, and seeing to accounting matters. Although the agency didn’t have a set number of employees, the usual staff totaled a dozen or so, including the president. 

Almost all the investigators had some sort of skill. 

Skill User: Junichiro Tanizaki 

Skill: Light Snow 

Skill User: Doppo Kunikida 

Skill: The Matchless Poet 

Skill User: Osamu Dazai 

Skill: No Longer Human 

Others had their own unique skills as well, which they used for their work. The Armed Detective Agency was a band of skill users who oversaw the twilight between the worlds of day—where the governmental authority of the police reigned—and night, ruled by the dark underbelly of society. 

The agency was founded over a decade ago by the president after a chance encounter with a certain skill user. But that is a story for a later time. 

This is the tale of the Armed Detective Agency’s newest employee and the entrance exam that determined his suitability for the job. 

Atsushi Nakajima—the night before his hiring. 

The Armed Detective Agency’s office was located on the fourth floor of a reddish-brown brick building. Inside were an office floor, a reception area, a conference room, the president’s office, an infirmary, an operating room, and a kitchenette. A spiral staircase for emergency use stood in the back, but everyone usually took the single, old-fashioned elevator. 

The three agents got on the elevator and headed to the detective agency. It was nighttime; most employees were already making their way home, and only a few still remained in the office sitting under the bright, white fluorescent lights. One was writing a letter, another was reading a novel, and the last one was eating noodles. They seemed to have stayed by choice, rather than because of remaining work. 

The seaside was visible from the office windows, and a merchant ship’s steam whistle could be heard blowing a few times in the distance. Kunikida, Dazai, and Tanizaki casually waved and greeted the staff before heading into the conference room at the end of the office. 

The room was already occupied. 

“Oh my. Just look at what the cat dragged in. If it’s an autopsy you’re looking for, I’m afraid I’ve closed up for the day.” 

With her slender legs crossed as she sat, Miss Yosano lifted her head up from reading the newspaper in her hands. 

Skill User: Akiko YosanoSkill: Thou Shall Not Die 

Yosano was the agency’s personal physician and a healing skill user, which was rare even on a global scale. She single-handedly took care of all medical treatment in the detective agency, and there was never a shortage of fresh wounds. An immensely capable physician who loved nothing more than performing surgeries and autopsies, Yosano would oftentimes try to operate on patients with even the smallest cuts or scrapes, thus making her far more frightening to her colleagues than any enemy. To make matters worse, her primary surgical tool was a hatchet. 

“Dr. Yosano.” Tanizaki, the first to enter, blinked in surprise. “What are you doing in the conference room?” 

“What does it look like? I’m reading the paper,” Yosano responded while flapping the paper in her hands. “I was really busy today, so I didn’t get a chance to check the news,” she added while she continued to read one particular column. “Another great article today, I might add.” 

“I never took you for the type who likes to read the paper…,” Tanizaki said while taking a peek at the periodical. “So what’s this ‘great article’ you’re reading?” 

“The best section in the newspaper: the obituary notices,” she said with a cheerful smirk. “Death is the fairest judge of all.” 

“You can say that again,” Dazai added, all smiles as he appeared in the doorway. 

After the brief exchange, Tanizaki, Kunikida, and Dazai walked into the room and took a seat in that order. The hands on the wall clock made a resounding tick, tick. 

“So what are you all doing here?” asked Yosano after taking her nose out of the paper. 

“Heh-heh… We’re having a meeting to decide on the next entrance exam,” Dazai brightly replied. “Remember that tiger-boy from yesterday? Well, turns out we’re going to come up with his exam democratically. I want to hear everyone’s opinion.” 

“Democratically, huh?” Yosano raised an eyebrow. “How about we do the same thing we did for Tanizaki? How’s that?” 

Yosano glanced in Tanizaki’s direction, and he instantly turned pale, shaking his head. 

“I—I don’t ever…want to be reminded of that again.” 

When Tanizaki was new, he had to pass what could be called a very harsh entrance exam. However, it was so harsh that all of Tanizaki’s memories of that day ended up buried deep in his subconscious. Remembering what happened would only bring underlying trauma up to the surface. 

“Anyway, this isn’t about me.” Tanizaki leaned forward. “Let’s keep this exam tame.” 

“Ooh, check out this article,” Yosano interrupted while reading the paper. “‘MANY DEAD OR INJURED AFTER ILLICIT SHANGHAI HAIRY CRAB SUPPLIER GOES UP IN FLAMES.’ I bet that smelled wonderful. Maybe I’ll walk by the place on the way home.” She licked her lips. 

“D-don’t you think that’s just a little much…?” Tanizaki looked disturbed. “Besides, Yosano, that paper’s from two months ago. It’s old. You wouldn’t be able to enjoy the rich fragrance of freshly cooked crab even if you went.” 

“Oh, hey… You’re right.” Yosano checked the newspaper’s date and frowned. “Who’s the wise guy who left this old paper lying on the table? Tch. And here I was excited for my chance to cut up some bodies from the fire—living or dead—under the pretense of helping a legal autopsy.” Yosano tossed the newspaper aside in disappointment. 

“Yeah, I don’t know how I feel about mutilating living people with a hatchet…” 

Tanizaki, who frequently found himself under the knife, expressed the kind of sympathy only a firsthand victim could. 

“Grilled crab is the greatest treasure of this world,” Dazai commented, completely missing the point. 

“Dazai.” Kunikida finally spoke in a low tone. “Forget about the crabs. What happened to the meeting? I thought you said you called everyone to the conference room, yet Dr. Yosano seems to be the only one here.” 

“Hmm…” Dazai peered up at the clock while tilting his head. “I did contact everyone, but the agents here are all so laid-back, y’know? It’ll probably take them a little longer to arrive.” 

Crossing his arms, Kunikida stared at Dazai. “Yes, you’re one to talk, Dazai. You’re basically the king of Laid-Back Land.” Kunikida pouted his lips. “You said this was a meeting, but do you have any specific ideas on how you’re going to proceed?” 

“Yeah, yeah, I already came up with a plan. Not even the Prime Minister of Meeting Procedure Land, Kunikida, will complain.” 

Dazai then got out of his seat and began to write on the whiteboard in the corner of the room. 

“Step one: exchange ideas. 

“Step two: pick the most suitable proposal given. 

“Step three: assign appropriate roles. 

“…So? Rather systematic, wouldn’t you agree?” Dazai claimed while tapping the whiteboard. 

“It is systematic…which is actually why I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Kunikida frowned. “That part about roles especially worries me. This is you we’re talking about, after all. I’ll bet you devised some sort of scheme to get out of any work at all. Am I wrong?” 

“I’m offended. I would never be so deceptive. Surely my colleague Kunikida trusts me, right?” Dazai spread his arms wide, claiming innocence. 

“Nope,” replied Kunikida. 

“Sorry, I don’t believe you, either…,” added Tanizaki. 

“Never believed anyone less,” said Yosano. 

Dazai leaped out of his chair in an amused manner. “So cruel!” 

“We’ll be keeping our eyes on you. At any rate, let’s not worry about step three for now. We need to start exchanging ideas,” said Kunikida as he checked the clock once more. The only two agents missing were Ranpo and Kenji. The final decision would need the majority vote, meaning their presence would be essential, but a meeting to exchange ideas with the current members was more than doable. 

“That’s the spirit!” Dazai said with a smile. “If Kunikida wants to start, then let the meeting begin. All right, then… Any proposals?” 

Dazai took a seat, then looked at everyone in rotation one by one. Each of the room’s occupants exchanged glances, hesitant to speak up. They could go toe to toe with the most violent skill users while humming a merry tune, but even these veteran detectives weren’t good at everything, and reading the situation was one such difficulty for them. When each agent in a gathering possessed an outstanding skill and unusual personality, one would have a better chance of finding treasure in the unexplored corners of South America than trying to guess what the other was thinking. However, the silence was soon broken. 

“Oh, wow! Look at Tanizaki! Look at how he’s glowing! He’s just dying to speak up!” Frustrated, Dazai threw Tanizaki to the wolves. 

“Huh? M-me?” Tanizaki pointed at himself, puzzled. 

“I can see it! The radiant idea is illuminating your body! Go ahead. Tell us about that ace up your sleeve! Tell us about your cherished proposal that will make us jump out of our seats and clap! Our hearts are ready!” 

“Please don’t make this any more difficult than it already is!” Tanizaki cried out in a fluster. “Anyway, I don’t think it needs to be some convoluted test. Why don’t we just look at the requests we’ve received from clients and pick out something reasonable from there? I believe I heard that’s what they did with you, Dazai.” 

“Oh! Good idea! Thanks, Tanizaki.” Dazai proceeded to write “handle a case” on the whiteboard in black. “Any objections?” 

“You already know the answer to that, Dazai,” Kunikida said. “That would work if this were any ordinary newcomer. However, the military police are under orders to put down the beast that’s been terrorizing the district. In other words, he’s wanted. The agency won’t have any problem concealing his identity to an extent, but that doesn’t mean we should toss him into the midst of chaos before he’s even hired. Surely the president told you this already.” 

“They don’t call you the president’s top apprentice for nothing!” Dazai placed his hands on his cheeks. “The president essentially told me the same thing. Hmm… It was a very reasonable proposal, but we have to come up with a test that won’t attract too much outside attention. Sorry, Tanizaki.” 

“Oh…,” Tanizaki uttered with a note of disappointment. “Then…how about having him solve a problem within the agency?” 

“Such as?” 

“Hmm… Maybe like clearing a paper jam or cleaning the pipes?” 

“This isn’t a janitorial position.” Kunikida furrowed his brow. “Besides, there aren’t really any incidents at the agency that could ‘test the veracity of one’s soul.’” 

“We’ll come back to this one.” 

Thereupon, Dazai wrote “solve an in-house issue” on the whiteboard before adding a “?” at the end. 

“Are we just going to sit here and criticize every single idea? We’re getting absolutely nowhere,” Yosano complained, resting her chin on her palm. She pointed at Dazai. “Dazai, you’re the one who wanted to do this. Tell us your idea. Surely you’ve thought of something.” 

Dazai remained silent for a few seconds. 

“…Heh-heh.” 

He giggled as if he had been waiting for someone to say exactly that. Then he slowly took a bundle of paper out of a paper bag and placed it where everyone could see. The sheets were crammed with sentences, but it was difficult to tell whether they had been scribbled quickly or by garden-variety terrible penmanship. 

“Of course, I came prepared! Feast your eyes on the numerous foolproof plans I’ve devised!” 

Everyone looked at Dazai in awe—except for Kunikida, who had seen this coming and scowled. 

“My first proposal is a test that focuses on physical abilities and stamina. First, we’ll take the train thirty minutes to the Yokohama city zoo and sneak in after closing. Then we’ll throw our candidate into the Asiatic black bear exhibit and leave him in there overnight. If he’s either defeated the bears or escaped by the time we come back the next morning, we’ll hire him.” 

“Dazai,” Kunikida intoned deeply as he glared at Dazai. 

“If he reconciles with the bears, then we keep him on standby.” 

“Dazai.” 

“But we would be completely in the wrong from the bears’ point of view, so we’re moving on to my next idea. This proposal focuses on thinking ability and problem-solving. There’s this old man in the Sixth District who’s so stingy you have to wonder if he was a piggy bank in a past life. Word has it one time his change was off by five yen, and he lambasted the clerk for two hours straight. We’ll have the newcomer come up with some reason to borrow a thousand yen from the old man.” 

“Dazai.” 

“And if he can keep playing dumb for a month without paying the man back, we’ll hire him.” 

“It hurts just imagining that!” 

“After that—” 

Dazai continued flipping through his stack of paper until Kunikida stopped him. 

“Wait, wait, wait. Are all the ideas you came up with like that? The hell do you think the entrance exam is? Besides, there’s no way you could avoid that old man for an entire month. The sheer stress would cause you to go bald.” 

“In that case, we’ll have the newcomer borrow the money under your name,” Dazai claimed while staring at Kunikida’s crown. 

“Don’t you dare!” Kunikida yelled while covering his head. “…Ahem. What I meant to say is, this kid is a potential agency member! There has to be something more suited to that! The exam should test a candidate’s sense of righteousness, his abilities, his knowledge, his morality!” 

“Really? Okay, then how about this one. If he eats four pounds of sugar in under five minutes, then—” 

“All your ideas are garbage! They’re just becoming more absurd as you go on! What is this, a circus sideshow? Tch. Surely there’s got to be someone out there with a better idea than—” 

Just when Kunikida was about to tear his hair out… 

“Sorry to keep you waiting!” 

…the door to the conference room flew open with a strange-sounding creak from its hinges. 

“Sorry. I was plowing the field in front of my house and lost track of time. Check out the huge radishes I harvested today. You could kill a guy with one of these! Don’t worry. I’ll make sure everyone gets their share later!” 

The lively, energetic voice belonged to a small-framed young man donning a straw hat and cotton overalls. The gloves stuffed in his pocket were soiled with fresh dirt, and to top it off, he was barefoot. 

This was Kenji Miyazawa, the youngest agent at the detective agency. 

“Hey, Kenji! We were waiting for you!” Dazai was all smiles as he welcomed his colleague. “You remember why I asked you here, right? Well, let me tell you, it’s been one heated discussion! Come, Kenji, give us one or two of your brightest ideas!” 

“I’ll see what I can do!” the young detective replied cheerfully before entering. His bare feet tapped against the floor as he cut across the room to read the whiteboard. Then he turned around to face the others. 

“The exam needs to test whether he’s talented enough to join the agency, right?” 

Kenji pondered for a few seconds before facing Dazai and raising his hand. 

“Oh, I know!” 

“Yes, Kenji?” Dazai pointed at Kenji, allowing him to speak. 

“Get him to arm wrestle me! If he wins, he’s in!” 

Everyone fell silent, their expressions dead serious. Even Dazai was left speechless. 

It was an unattainable objective. Kenji’s skill, Undefeated by the Rain, granted him superhuman strength and made his body essentially indestructible by physically knocking back whatever hit him. He could effortlessly throw a car if he wanted to. In fact, he once wrestled three seasoned sumo wrestlers and simultaneously threw them in the air. No one knows if they ever hit the ground. Everyone in the room imagined the newcomer trying to arm wrestle Kenji until his arm got torn off and left him screaming. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea…” Tanizaki timidly spoke up, breaking the silence. His face stiff, he glanced around at the others. 

But when he noticed the nearby Yosano mutter under her breath “…That could work” with a smirk, he immediately tried changing the subject. 

“A-any other ideas?” 

“Other ideas, huh?” Kenji repeated, unbothered. He paced back and forth a few times, deep in thought as his bare feet audibly tapped the floor. “I think most detective work boils down to putting in the effort one day at a time.” Kenji struck his palm with a fist before continuing. “I’m fairly certain the president would agree that it’s not about jumping immediately into action, going berserk on the enemy, and having a fairy-tale ending. So how about we have him plow the field next to my house little by little, and if that leads to a good harvest come autumn, then he can join the company. Sounds wonderful, if you ask me!” 

Everyone’s gazes fixated on Tanizaki in silence—“Say something!” they seemed to be urging him. 

“Uh… Y-yeah…” Tanizaki reluctantly gave an ambiguous reply. “We were with you during the first half, but…I think waiting until autumn might be a little too long. Right, Kunikida?” 

“A-agreed.” Kunikida seemed startled when the hot potato was suddenly thrown to him. 

“Oh… If you say so…” Kenji’s innocent, childlike eyes showed a hint of disappointment. “Then how about one of the more common rites of passage we use back in the countryside where I’m from?” 

“Oh? What kind of ritual is that?” Tanizaki raised his eyebrows. 

Kenji was from an extremely remote village deep in the mountains of the Touhoku region just past a stream that cut through the forest. Up until the day he was scouted by the president and brought to the agency two months prior, Kenji lived a simple life surrounded by cows and fields, which was why he may seem uncivilized to some. 

“Back home, we had a young men’s association that would help out with general farm work. There were a few ways to become a member, but for example…” Kenji raised his index finger and continued, “…forecasting the weather.” 

“Huh… Sounds neat. I guess the weather is very important to farmers, after all. So basically, if you correctly predict the next day’s weather without checking the forecast, you pass?” 

“Not just the next day’s weather. An entire month’s weather.” 

“…Pardon?” 

“You predict the weather by checking the soil and the animals’ behavior. I can do it, too! Here: sunny, cloudy, sunny, sunny with showers in the morning and in the evening…” 

After that, Kenji rambled on, forecasting the weather for an entire month. Unfortunately, though, everyone blanked out, and all that information went in one ear and out the other. 

“Th-that’s really impressive…” Tanizaki finally spoke up. “Anything else?” 

“If you can hold a conversation with a cow, you pass. Or a dog.” 

“Your village sounds incredible, Kenji…,” Tanizaki muttered in blank amazement. 

“Also, anyone who can summon rain gets a free pass. The same goes for people who can grow a sapling into a tree in a day’s time.” 

“That’s a real top-notch group you’ve got back home!” 

“If you build a community center in one night, you pass.” 

“Who lives there, Hideyoshi Toyotomi?!” 

“If you defeat a cursed spirit, you pass.” 

“Those exist?!” 

“Also…” 

“H-hold on.” Tanizaki stopped him, unable to take any more. “I think we’re getting way off topic. Plus, I feel like if we listen to any more of this, we’re going to completely forget about the meeting, so let’s stop there for today.” 

“Oh… Well, if you say so.” Kenji tilted his head to the side in a disheartened manner. Just then, Tanizaki turned around to find Dazai writing “Hideyoshi Toyotomi” on the whiteboard. 

The debate over the entrance exam had reached a fever pitch. Everything Dazai proposed, Kunikida shot down, while Yosano raised an objection to everything Kunikida suggested. And whenever Yosano brought something up, Tanizaki said, “Yeah, that’s a bit much…” 

Everyone put their heads together and passionately debated the topic in an effort to select the best rookie for the agency…or at least, that was what they should have done. In reality, this bunch was simply far too eccentric to put out a proposal that could be considered even halfway decent. 

“A rookie needs guts,” Yosano argued with a curl of her sensuous lips. “How about we do this: You all have pinkie fingers on your left hand, right?” 

Everyone looked at their pinkies. 

“We start from the left pinkie…and tear off one finger until we reach the pinkie on his right. If he can make it through all ten fingers, he’s in.” 

“That’s way too cruel!” Tanizaki shrieked. 

“All right, eight fingers, then.” 

“What kind of pointless compromise is that?!” 

“Oh, come on. I can always just heal him with my skill,” Yosano said with a pout. “If you’re not gonna let me do that, then how about we file down his crotch and see how long before he cries? That could be the test.” 

All the men in the room grabbed their crotches and leaped out of their chairs at the thought of the unfathomable pain. 

“We’re not going to torture him!” 

“Then how about he challenges me to a drinking contest? If he wins, he’s hired.” 

“That’s hazing!” Tanizaki shouted back. 

“Hey, Kunikida, you’ve been awfully quiet,” Dazai pointed out. “It’s about time for the star of the show to make their appearance, don’t you think? Please grace us with one of your stellar ideas.” 

“…You would pretend to help someone before pulling the ladder from under them. I know you well enough that no praise of yours could motivate me. If anything, it gives me anxiety,” Kunikida said while glaring at Dazai. “Sigh. It doesn’t matter. How about this? If he takes out Dazai, he’s hired.” 

“Oh, wow,” Tanizaki said in admiration while lightly clapping his hands together. 

“…Anything else?” asked Dazai, peering at Kunikida from the corner of his eye. 

“If he argues Dazai into silence and makes him reflect on all his misdeeds, then he’s hired.” 

“Oh, wow! Good idea.” Tanizaki enthusiastically nodded. “Anything else?” 

“Yes, he could take Dazai…! And then, like, put him between two wooden boards or something, then slowly apply pressure on both sides and blow hot steam on his face. He could stab him with countless tiny needles with the occasional electric shock in between and whisper into his ear, ‘This is all your fault. This is all your fault.’ And after that, he could…!” 

In a heated frenzy, Kunikida gestured as if he were hitting something in the air before twisting and shaking it. His eyes were bloodshot. Tanizaki, as well as the others watching in the conference room, were slightly weirded out. 

“Um… I… I’m sorry,” Dazai mumbled feebly. However, Kunikida didn’t seem to hear him. 

“But you wouldn’t actually reflect on your misdeeds, right, Dazai?” Tanizaki asked. 

“Nope,” came the usual reply. Just then, there was a knock at the conference room door. 

“Pardon my intrusion.” It was a girl’s voice, clear as a bell. “You all must be absolutely exhausted from such a long meeting. One of our regulars brought us a gift, so how about taking a short break and helping yourself to one?” 

A high school–age girl walked in, her long, shiny black tresses cascading down her back. She was wearing a school uniform and held a tray of food in her delicate hands. 

“Naomi!” Tanizaki lifted his head in surprise. “I thought you already went home.” 

“I was waiting for you so we could go home together.” 

Naomi gently smiled. Underneath one of her eyes was a beauty mark that gave her an alluring appeal beyond her years. Naomi Tanizaki, Junichiro Tanizaki’s younger sister, worked at the agency’s office when she wasn’t at school. With a practiced hand, she placed a cup of green tea and a meat bun on the conference desk for each person there. Steam rose from the buns along with a delicious aroma; they must have been fresh out of the oven. She walked by her brother and leaned in so closely that he could feel her breath. 

“My dearest brother,” she said, a touch of heat in her long exhale, “you’re looking ever so handsome, as usual.” 

Naomi stroked the back of his neck with her fingertips. Everyone in the room pretended not to notice. Apparently, these two were blood-related siblings; Tanizaki had admitted as much before, and Naomi had made it no secret, either. Nevertheless, they looked nothing alike. Compared with Tanizaki, who had timid yet honest eyes and a smile always lacking self-confidence, Naomi had a certain sexiness that defied her young age. She had voluptuous lips and lashes so long you might expect to hear them when she blinked. Her eyes were large, like bottomless pits that would absorb any young man naive enough to peer into them, trapping them in a world of fantasy as all the blood rushed to a certain part of his body. 

To make matters worse, she always tried to have some sort of physical contact with her brother, regardless of location or who was around. She would touch his ear during conversation, rub his thigh during work, and blow into his ear whenever he wasn’t paying attention. Tanizaki would start acting self-conscious every time, and his eyes would wander, but Naomi even seemed to enjoy her brother’s reactions. 

“Oh, Big Brother, you have a piece of lint on your chest. Let me get that for you.” 

Naomi softly traced Tanizaki’s collarbone with her fingernail. Of course, there wasn’t a speck of lint on his body. Tanizaki turned red and blinked uncomfortably. Everyone awkwardly looked away. 

“Are you two actually related, though? How can two siblings live alone together and act like this?” 

That was the question not a single person in the agency was brave enough to ask. Everyone firmly believed something was up, but they could never pry for fear that their hunch was right. 

“Hey, Big Brother… I brought what you asked. It’s in my bag. Tonight, we could use it to—” 

“Huh? O-oh yeah. Thanks.” 

And that was exactly why no one could ask them what they were talking about, despite wondering about the meaning behind Naomi’s suggestive whispers and the fact that Tanizaki was looking at everything but her. 

“These meat buns are amazing!” 

Kenji, who was seated at the foot of the table, was the only one munching happily away at the meat buns Naomi brought. Appetite outweighed sex appeal as far as he was concerned. 

“Hey, Naomi, how about helping us out a little while you’re here?” Dazai suggested brightly. “We’re brainstorming ideas for the rookie’s entrance exam.” 

“Oh, that sounds wonderful!” She placed the tray under her arm, then beamed rapturously. “Although I wonder if I could even come up with anything useful…” 

“We’re still in the early stages. Spitballing. Anything will do,” Dazai assured her. “It can be something you’re good at or familiar with, if you want.” 

“…!” 

Kunikida shot Dazai a look pleading with him to shut up. 

“Hmm… Let me think…” 

Naomi tilted her head to the side while she pondered. A few moments went by before she blushed and offered three proposals. 

Unfortunately, none of what she said could be written here. 

The room was silent as everyone ate their meat buns. At this rate, the trial meeting was never going to end. Everyone started to come to the faint realization that conferences and debates just weren’t their strong suits. They needed to find some common ground. 

Written in black on the conference room whiteboard were eight ideas: “Handle a case,” “Solve an in-house issue,” “Hideyoshi Toyotomi,” “Tear off eight fingers,” “Hazing,” “Crush Dazai,” “****ing,” and “These meat buns are delicious.” 

Tanizaki’s internal battery was starting to die. While somewhat obvious that this would prove to be a tricky meeting, no one was expecting that agreeing on a single idea would be such a great challenge, nor did they anticipate the process of finding common ground to be so mundane. Building a sandcastle would have been a more constructive use of their time. 

Tanizaki and Kunikida exchanged looks. They predicted this would happen. Their meeting earlier at the café was actually to plan for a situation like this. A meeting-response meeting. They considered what to do when meetings like this were going nowhere, and they specifically made sure to keep it a secret from Dazai. Kunikida seized this opportunity to speak up just as he’d planned earlier at the café. 

“Dazai, how about narrowing down our choices? We have been stuck on step one for too long already. If we don’t decide on something now, we’ll be here all night. I’m not saying we have to choose one of the ideas on the board, but at least give us some basic direction.” 

“Huh? But arguing over such trifles together is fun. Let’s keep this going all night!” 

“Whether you’re enjoying yourself or not is beside the point. We came here today for a reason,” Kunikida said, sternly furrowing his brow. “Plus, we’ve got minors here, too. Hurry it up. All that’s left for us to do is decide on an idea and delegate roles, right?” 

“But we’re still missing someone.” Dazai scratched his head. “Ranpo’s not here, and we need everyone present before we can decide on the test. I wonder what he’s doing this late at night? Maybe he’s working on a tough case, and it’s taking longer than he thought…” 

“Oh!” Naomi placed a hand on her cheek. “Actually, Ranpo’s in the office right now.” 

“Huh?” 

“I saw him when I was walking by a few moments ago. He was wrapped up in one of those puzzles that comes with the candy boxes.” 

“That’s Ranpo for ya. Nothing fazes him.” Dazai proceeded to compliment Ranpo for whatever reason. 

Ranpo Edogawa, twenty-six years old, was the Armed Detective Agency’s top detective and the brains of the operation. He possessed outstanding powers of observation and deduction for someone so ingenuous and simple in nature. Even then, he was impossible to figure out, and he yielded to no one. Ranpo was only willing to go out on a case so long as he alone solved it. Although he didn’t mean any harm, he would tell anyone they were stupid even if it was their first time meeting, and he never hesitated to give someone a pat on the head—victim, perpetrator, you name it. And there wasn’t a single case he couldn’t solve. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say he was the center pillar of the agency. 

“I’ll go get him,” Naomi said before trotting out of the conference room. After watching her leave, Dazai said, “Everything should be okay now. There is nothing he can’t solve.” 

“I agree, but is this really something worth bothering him over?” Kunikida asked reluctantly. “His brain should only be used for solving cases. There are plenty of difficult cases he could be cracking instead of spending his time on something as trivial as this.” 

There wasn’t a single soul in the neighborhood who didn’t know Ranpo’s skill. Even the big shots from government organizations like the city police would beg him for help. 

Skill User: Ranpo EdogawaSkill: Super Deduction 

While most skills were supernatural events that bent the laws of physics, Ranpo’s stood out as extraordinary even among the best detectives—the ability to see the truth. 

No matter the case or event, he could see the truth after nothing more than a single glance. His skill almost seemed like cheating, even. The existence of such an ability would render any and all investigative organizations utterly meaningless. And yet, Ranpo possessed such a skill and used it to solve mysteries. The truth never escaped his discerning eye. 

And that was precisely why no one could oppose him, which consequently made Ranpo even more arrogant. It allowed him to solve cases however he liked, even if that meant dragging other relevant parties down with it. After he departed the scene of a crime, he always left everyone involved mentally exhausted, despite having solved the case. No one could control the infallible genius…except for the president, whom Ranpo still earnestly listened to for some reason. He would get depressed if the boss got mad at him, and it brought him so much joy when he was praised. Nobody knew exactly why he was so obedient, but according to the other agents, “Well, you know how the president is. Guess it’s no real surprise.” 

Tmp. Tmp. Tmp. Ranpo walked up to the conference room door with force in his step. 

“Hey, folks! I see everyone’s racking their brain over another pointless meeting,” Ranpo quipped with a grin. “Sigh. What would you guys do without me?” 

“We’ve been waiting for you, Ranpo,” said Dazai, smiling back. “We’re having a meeting about the entrance exam I mentioned to you earlier. Got any ideas?” 

“I hate using my head for boring stuff,” Ranpo complained. “And anyway, I honestly couldn’t care less if this newcomer’s got what it takes. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who cry tears of joy when I solve a case, and those who cry out of frustration!” 

“You raise a fine point.” Dazai nodded in agreement. 

“But of course, my skill always leads me to the truth, be it a murder or even something as trivial as this. Besides, I’ll be away on a business trip tomorrow, so I won’t be able to take part in the test anyway. There was a string of killings in the Hokuriku region that I’ve been dying to investigate. But as a parting gift, I suppose I wouldn’t be against using my Super Deduction to predict the course of this meeting, if you wanted.” 

Ranpo produced a pair of black-framed glasses from his pocket—old spectacles that triggered his skill, Super Deduction, whenever he put them on. Not a soul knew where he got them, but according to Ranpo, they had a long and distinguished history of working miracles. They looked like nothing more than a pair of worn-out spectacles to any ordinary person, though. 

“Are you sure, Ranpo?” Kunikida asked, slightly flustered. After all, Ranpo never used his skill for anything unrelated to a case. 

“Of course—” 

Ranpo abruptly paused and took in a deep breath. 

“—not. Did you really think I’d do that?” 

The group nodded in unison. You’re not wrong there. 

“You guys are out here busting every little brain cell you’ve got; it’d be a darn shame if I just solved the problem for you in a snap. Besides, you all ate meat buns without me, and that is unacceptable!” He pointed at the empty plates lined up on the table. 

“Huh? But I thought you were stuffing your face with sweets at your desk…” Tanizaki sounded perplexed. 

“Okay, sure, obviously I prefer candy and sweet buns, and I also like ordinary stuff like hamburgers and omurice, too! But it’s nighttime, see, and there’s nothing that grinds my gears more than smelling meat buns in the middle of the night and knowing there aren’t any around for me to eat!” 

“Let me ask Naomi if there are any left.” 

Tanizaki hurriedly got to his feet, then trotted past Ranpo and opened the door to the conference room. But as he was passing by, Ranpo quietly stared at him with strangely vacant eyes. After that, he faced forward once more before turning his gaze toward a stack of old newspapers in the corner of the room. 

“Tanizaki,” Ranpo called out. 

“Yes?” 

Tanizaki turned around, but Ranpo didn’t immediately answer. Instead, he gently shook his head before at last saying, “Well, good luck.” 

Tanizaki talked to Naomi in the kitchenette and asked her to look for any leftover meat buns. On his way back to the conference room, he ran into Kunikida. 

“Kunikida, how did things turn out?” Tanizaki asked. 

“Dazai is handling the meeting. I told him I had some business to take care of and left.” Kunikida looked about to make sure there was nobody around before continuing. “More importantly, Tanizaki, how are things coming along with you-know-what?” 

“Everything is ready to go.” 

Tanizaki nodded, then held up the schoolbag he’d received from Naomi just now when they were chatting in the kitchenette. She’d also taken that as an opportunity to try to force herself on Tanizaki, but he managed to escape. Inside the bag was a large brown envelope. 

“Tanizaki—you know what to do.” 

“I do.” He nodded. “Everything so far has gone just as you predicted, Kunikida.” 

“I haven’t been partners with Dazai this long for nothing.” Kunikida’s face twisted in utter and genuine revulsion. “My instincts let me know when he’s scheming something. My vision was flickering so much during the meeting that I almost fainted. I won’t let him have his way, though. It’s time for him to pay for his self-indulgence.” 

Tanizaki nodded, then headed back to the conference room alone so that nobody would suspect anything. 

By the time Tanizaki returned, Ranpo was already gone. He’d left to search for meat buns of his own, only half-heartedly wishing everyone good luck before his departure. Not that a mere “Hey, we’ve got a meeting” was enough to grab the attention of anyone in the agency, of course. The rest of the participants exchanged dumbfounded glances, then turned their attention to the whiteboard with expressions that said, “Eh, that was a reasonable time to leave.” 

“Solve an in-house issue”—the proposal Tanizaki came up with. 

Settling on one of the earlier extremely generic proposals at the end of a noisy, heated meeting wasn’t a rare occurrence, be it at a detective agency or some other company. Nonetheless, that didn’t mean the meeting was over. There were countless in-house issues that needed fixing. Big things, little things—risky problems, tame problems. For the entrance exam, however, they had to choose only the most suitable task. 

“The elevator’s been acting up lately.” 

“Let’s contact the management company.” 

“The operating room’s running out of supplies.” 

“I’ll put in an order at the usual pharmacy!” 

“The office staff said they want takeout for lunch…” 

“What, you want the rookie to open a soba shop?” 

Nobody could think of anything worthy. Kunikida returned to the conference room a few minutes after Tanizaki and joined the group in fishing for ideas. However, with all the highly qualified agents at the agency, every suitable issue was nipped in the bud early on. All that was left were tedious, pointless chores such as cleaning, repairs, and complaints about the food. 

“Feels like we’re right back where we started,” Yosano muttered discontentedly. “Aren’t there any bigger problems that need solving around here?” 

“Well, the president is still single…,” offered Tanizaki. 

“Not that big!” 

Everyone desperately brainstormed for an idea while exchanging glances, and before long, they arrived at a conclusion: “If there aren’t any, then we’ll just have to make one ourselves.” 

A fake case to solve—in other words, a ruse. 

Someone would create a fake problem, and the rookie, who happened to be there, would be asked to solve this problem to test his capabilities. The mood in the room made it clear that was the only option; everyone was getting sick of thinking about it. However, there was one person brave enough to object. 

“Wait.” Kunikida spoke up. “A ruse is all well and good, but there’s a fundamental problem with this idea: Dazai.” 

He looked at Dazai, who cheerfully pointed at himself. “Me?” 

“Yes, you. With this plan, we probably wouldn’t be bothering anyone outside the company. Someone could simply cause a commotion and create the problem. This part of the plan is fine. However…” 

“‘However’…?” 

“I want everyone to think back to what got us here in the first place.” Kunikida stood from his chair, put both hands on the desk, and leaned forward. “The person who got us into this mess and invited the newcomer to join our agency was none other than Dazai. Even though said newcomer was a designated threat, Dazai didn’t think to capture him or take him into custody. Rocks-for-Brains here only came up with the terrifying idea of letting him join the agency of all things because the idea just randomly popped into his head.” 

“Oh, stop. You’re embarrassing me.” Dazai smiled and scratched his head. 

“That’s not a compliment. At any rate, I am not advising anyone to reconsider. The president’s already given it the green light. However, I know Dazai’s nature more than I ever wanted to, and it is painfully obvious to me what he’s doing.” 

Kunikida paused, then looked around the room before continuing. 

“‘I’m determined to see this through, and I’ll push all the hard work onto someone else.’ Surely this is what you thought to yourself. Right, Dazai?” 

Dazai gleefully smirked and nodded. “Looks like the cat’s out of the bag now. I’m impressed, Kunikida.” 

“Your praise means nothing to me. In any event, I have been burned far too often because of how he does things. Forcing responsibility onto others, shifting it onto others, avoiding it—he flatters people just to kick the ladder out from under them. Whenever I vow to never be tricked by him again, I find myself somehow walking down the path he laid out for me. Thanks to that, I’ve been through so much over the past two years we’ve been partners: I’ve cleaned out drains in the freezing cold, fallen into the women’s fitting room at a department store, and even been forced to drink so much that I woke up in someone else’s bedroom without any memories of the night before.” 

“You two have really done some interesting things together,” said Yosano in shock. 

“You’re a strong person, Kunikida!” Kenji praised Kunikida, completely missing the point. 

“Therefore, I’m convinced Dazai has come up with some sort of scheme so that he’s the only one who doesn’t have to do any of the hard work. He’s shrewd—I’ll give him that. What I’m trying to say is…Dazai, you’re planning on getting someone else to do the entrance exam while you’re doing nothing! Admit it!” 

“Wow, Kunikida. You really like playing the victim, huh?” 

“Whose fault do you think that is?!” 

Dazai nodded a few times before responding. “But I understand why you’re worried. Over the years, I have been avoiding boring, tedious work whenever I could. But it would be difficult this time to force the responsibility onto someone else under these conditions. This is a meeting, after all. It would be quite surprising if everyone’s opinion somehow suited my needs.” 

“Really? I think it’s quite the opposite,” Kunikida said while crossing his arms. “For example, the meeting has pretty much settled on creating a problem that doesn’t exist. In other words, we only need one unlucky individual to handle the ruse, and then you’re free. Also, you’re the one who chose the time and place for the meeting along with who would be coming, so I can’t help but wonder if you predicted we would end up going with such a proposal. You waited until everyone decided on it because you calculated your scheme so that someone other than you would have to do all the work. Am I wrong?” 

“You’re really buttering me up today, Kunikida.” Dazai audaciously smirked. “I see now. So you were on your guard this entire time, huh? All right, Kunikida, let’s hear your proposal, then.” 

“I won’t force you to do all the work, but at the very least, I want this to be fair,” Kunikida stated. “I don’t want any dishonesty. Whether the roles are easy or difficult, they have to be fairly decided upon in a way that everyone will agree with.” 

“Understood. That’s a very convincing argument,” Dazai said before looking at each and every person in the room. Then, out of nowhere, he added, “What do you think, Tanizaki?” 

“Wh-what? Me? Um… I…” 

Tanizaki panicked after suddenly being called on. He glanced at Kunikida, who stared back at him as if he wanted to say something. Tanizaki had been a timid person ever since the day he was born, and he tried to think through his confusion. There shouldn’t be a problem if he simply agreed. 

“I… I think that’s a great idea.” Tanizaki managed to string some words together. “The entrance exam has always been difficult, so I think forcing roles on one another isn’t going to make anything better.” 

“Then how about we do this?” Dazai clapped his hands together before continuing. “How about we let Tanizaki decide on how we’re going to allocate the roles? You could go with ghost legs, or cards, or— Well, just choose something that’s fair and square. That’s how we’ll determine who gets the grunt work. How’s that sound, Kunikida?” 

Kunikida silently shot Tanizaki a look. Tanizaki started to quietly panic once again; everything was going a lot more smoothly than he had imagined. 

“Okay…” 

Tanizaki pretended to think while trying to calm himself down. What should he do? He thought back to what Kunikida said when they discussed the matter. According to him, “Dazai never directly says what he wants. He always gets someone else to say it for him.” If Ranpo was the art of deduction itself in the agency, Dazai would be the epitome of manipulation. The marionette strings he used to tie down and control people’s hearts were complex and abstruse. Nobody could see where they led. But he couldn’t stall here. 

“How about we draw strips of paper?” Tanizaki suggested with a forced smile. “We’ll write numbers on them and have everyone draw one. The smaller the number, the more stressful role.” 

Dazai instantly agreed. 

“That’s not enough.” Kunikida furrowed his brows. “Surely you know how tricky this man’s fingers can be. They’re frighteningly dexterous. He could pick a lock to a bank’s safe with a single needle, so of course making fake slips of paper and switching them out would be nothing for him.” 

“Hee-hee…” Dazai placed a hand over his mouth as he giggled, bouncing in his chair. “I can’t tell you how tickled I am to have Kunikida compliment me so much today.” 

“Stop laughing. It’s creepy.” 

“Then why don’t we do this?” 

Tanizaki turned his gaze upon the old newspaper on the corner of the conference table—the one Yosano had been reading. “Let’s use this old newspaper. It’s from two months ago, so it’d probably be hard to prepare a fake one or write over it.” 

“Interesting…,” Yosano murmured while dragging the old newspaper her way. “You’ve got a point there. I guess it’d be tough for even a magician to pull a fast one with this. But what exactly are you going to do?” 

Tanizaki waited for a few moments before answering. 

“We’ll cut the dates off with the page number and fold them.” 

He gazed at the old periodical. 

“As you can see, there is only one of each number on the pages. This newspaper starts on page one and goes to page forty. Plus, it would be hard to find the same newspaper from two months ago just lying around, so if we cut out the dates with the slips of paper, then you wouldn’t be able to re-create these unless you called a business that collected and recycled old newspapers.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

Dazai cheerfully nodded. “That’s a really good anti-cheating system for something you just came up with on the spot. What say you, Kunikida? Seems foolproof to me.” 

Kunikida glared at Dazai. “Nothing makes me more nervous than when you claim something’s foolproof. Although I suppose I could compromise.” 

Tanizaki let out an inward sigh of relief. They made it past the first obstacle. The biggest hurdle, however, came next. 

“All right, I’ll make the slips we’ll be using to draw,” Tanizaki said as he began folding the dates of the newspaper. With nothing better to do, the others decided to pass the time by discussing the specifics of this “staged disturbance”: 

“What if we did it like in a fairy tale, where a princess gets captured by some bad guy? We could have the rookie just happen to be walking by when it happens.” 

“Hold up. Who gets to be the bad guy?” 

“Isn’t that why we’re drawing slips of paper?” 

“I want to be the villain! Sounds like a lot of fun!” 

“No, you’d break the rookie’s skull in.” 

“Well, I wouldn’t mind that.” 

“Wait. Stop for a moment. We’ll figure out who plays the villain through the drawing; there’s still the damsel in distress.” 

“Who’s going to play the princess?” 

“I mean, we could decide through the drawing as well, but princesses are usually played by women, so…” 

Silence. 

“Me? Sure, but then I’m gonna split the new guy’s skull open.” 

“I figured…” 

“Out of the frying pan and into the fire…” 

“Oh, I know! Kunikida could play the princess!” 

“Are you out of your mind?!” 

As Tanizaki was getting things ready, he imagined the tall Kunikida in a frilly white dress while flirtatiously saying, “Oh myyy! Somebody, do help me!” A rather repulsive notion, but one that kind of suited Kunikida for some reason. Either way, that would be enough to blow the lid off the exam in an instant. 

Tanizaki suddenly started to become anxious. Was this really going to work? Would this really make Dazai finally take responsibility just as Kunikida said it would? Kunikida assured him this would work as long as they stuck to the plan. And he said that most of all…this was for Dazai’s sake as well. He claimed that no one would ever be able to defeat Dazai again after this. 

According to Kunikida: 

“I was in charge of showing Dazai the ropes when he first joined the agency, but he’d already reached the height of his shenanigans by that time. He had already wrapped his marionette strings around countless people involved, and he even manipulated the moves our enemies made. 

“The greatest detective in the agency is without a doubt Ranpo, but his intellect is used for controlling cases and crime scenes. Dazai, on the other hand, uses his intellect to manipulate people—something he uses to take a position of power over them. It would be no surprise if he led the agency one day in the not-so-distant future as the president’s right-hand man. I get the feeling this entire ordeal with the rookie was the first step to that as well. We can’t have someone as free-spirited and carefree as that in the agency. I am not going to let him keep shifting his responsibilities onto others. This entrance exam needs to be an opportunity for him to experience firsthand how difficult it is to hire and manage someone. 

“That is why this entire exam needs to be done by Dazai and Dazai alone.” 

This whole ruse was created for that sole reason. Tricking Dazai—this was the master plan Kunikida had come up with after being partners with him for two years. 

Kunikida’s plan went like this: 

First, they would place an old newspaper in the conference room before the meeting. 

Then, when they were deciding everyone’s roles and things started getting complicated, one would casually suggest the necessity of everyone drawing slips of paper to decide roles, since not even the embodiment of scheming itself, Dazai, would be able to manipulate the results. Therefore, everyone would be randomly given their roles, which would be fair. Once that happened, without fail, someone would suggest using the old newspaper to make said slips of paper for the lottery. If, by any chance, nobody said anything, Tanizaki or Naomi would wait for the right moment and suggest it themselves. 

Kunikida was going to shut Dazai down, he’d said. He continued by saying he was going to force Dazai to realize what it feels like to carry his own burdens and take some responsibility—both for his own sake and for the detective agency’s. 

Around the time the slips of paper were finally ready to go, Naomi stopped by the conference room with her schoolbag in her hand. 

“Say, dearest brother, I was thinking about heading back home now. Is there anything you needed before I go?” 

“Oh, Naomi.” Tanizaki looked overcome with relief. “We’re about to draw slips of paper to decide roles. Do you have a bag or something I can put these in?” 

“How about this?” Naomi replied before taking a large brown envelope out of her schoolbag. Everything was going as planned. “It’s a leftover envelope from a school event. You’re free to use it if you want.” 

When Kunikida had mapped out the plan, he proposed including someone who didn’t participate in the meeting. Dazai would surely see through Kunikida’s scheme if it were only him. On the other hand, having everyone in the meeting involved would run the risk of information being leaked. This was Dazai, after all. He could easily weasel the information out of someone—most likely Kenji. Kunikida’s partner in crime had to be the best of the best; thus, he ended up going with the Tanizaki siblings. 

Tanizaki himself had no idea why he was chosen. Perhaps he was simply included with the Naomi package deal. It was starting to feel that way. When people asked Tanizaki for help, it was usually because anyone would do, or they needed his skill, Light Snow, for something. But skills were useless against their current opponent, Dazai…which could mean that he was chosen because he was a safe, passable choice. 

However, Tanizaki felt he was mediocre at his job, held mediocre principles, and had a mediocre sense of justice, which made him a mediocre human being. He didn’t have the courage to talk back to or stand up to Dazai. Put simply, he was incredibly passive. 

Tanizaki said he was just your average guy, and he was fine with that. Besides, as the second-to-last ranking agent, what else is there to do besides follow whatever duties a senior employee gives me? Tanizaki thought as he folded the slips of paper. 

“I’m done,” he announced. 

All the clamoring about the entrance examination suddenly stopped as everyone turned around at the sound of his voice. Lined up before Tanizaki were twenty slips of paper with the numbers “1” to “40” written inside. One might wonder why there were twenty slips of paper and not forty—and that was because the articles were printed on both sides of the paper. Therefore, the number “2” would be printed on the back of page one; the numbers “1” and “2” came as a set, as did “3” and “4.” And just like that, it was the very same up until “39” and “40,” hence why there were only twenty slips of paper. 

Tanizaki stacked the papers together before carefully sliding them into the envelope. “Okay, guys. What order do you want to draw the slips of paper in?” 

Kunikida crossed his arms and spoke up. “Tanizaki, you made the lots, so it would be logical if you went last.” 

“What about me?” Dazai asked while pointing to himself. 

“You…might come up with a filthy scheme if we give you too much time to think. You go first.” 

“You don’t trust me at all!” lamented Dazai as he drew a slip of paper from the envelope. 

“Don’t open it yet.” 

“Why?” 

“Because we haven’t decided on the roles. It wouldn’t be fair to confirm who lost right off the bat, yes?” 

Kunikida spoke with confidence, not even giving a hint that this was all part of his plan. 

“That makes sense. I guess we should all open them together at the end.” Dazai gripped the slip of paper in his hand. “More importantly, Kunikida, I just had the perfect idea for the entrance exam.” He still had the slip held tight. 

“And what’s that?” Kunikida swiped the envelope out of Dazai’s hands, then mixed up the contents before drawing a slip for himself. 

“Well, you know that bomb I just happened to receive? I brought it with me.” 

Dazai pointed at the paper bag with the fake bomb he’d showed them at the café. Some woman had apparently sent it to the pub for him as a gift, but it almost escalated into a bomb scare. 

“It’d be a waste if we didn’t use it.” 

“You want to use a bomb?” Kunikida craned his neck. Yosano observed their exchange out of the corner of her eye and drew a slip of paper as well. 

“Of course. A bomber will suddenly appear at the detective agency, barricading themselves inside while taking a civilian hostage. We would be able to see how the rookie handles such a risky situation. Obviously, the president will make the final call, but if he can disarm the bomb or persuade the bomber to give up, then the kid passes. What do you say? Sounds like a very detectivelike case if you ask me.” 

Kenji drew a slip of paper from the envelope. Usually, Ranpo would go next, but he wasn’t going to be there on the day of the test, so he was relieved from this responsibility. The last person to draw from the envelope…was Tanizaki. 

“Here you go, dear brother.” Naomi held out the envelope to him. 

Everything was going according to plan so far. It was smooth sailing from here on out. A simple drawing was all that was left. 

“So whoever draws the smallest number…plays the bomber,” said Tanizaki. 

“Right you are,” Dazai casually replied. 

Tanizaki sneaked a look at Kunikida, who subtly nodded back at him so faintly it could hardly even be seen. Tanizaki was already in this deep, so he felt he might as well let it play out until the end. He drew a slip of paper. 

Kunikida’s scheme was extremely simple. 

Fake slips of paper. 

The pile Dazai drew from was not the same as the one everyone else drew from. 

Of course, this was only possible because they had prepared multiple copies of the old newspaper and tinkered with the envelope. As one might expect from someone who had worked with Dazai for so long, Kunikida was able to predict that the roles for the entrance exam would inevitably be decided through drawing lots and that the point of compromise would be using an old newspaper to make the slips of paper to prevent cheating. 

If they were unable to use the old newspaper or envelope, Kunikida had claimed, then that was that. His skill, The Matchless Poet, and Tanizaki’s Light Snow would be powerless before Dazai’s No Longer Human, since it could nullify any skill simply by Dazai touching them. Their only choice would be to prepare for the worst and pray to the god of chance to make the right decision. 

But everything went well this time. Just as planned, Dazai drew from the dummy pile. 

First, Tanizaki’s job was to get eleven old newspapers the day before, then make numerous folded slips of paper with the same page number and dates. Which is why yesterday, he asked an acquaintance who recycled old newspapers to bring him multiple copies of an old paper with the same date. He used these newspapers to create slips of paper with numbered pairs starting from “1” and “2” all the way to “39” and “40” (page numbers were printed on both sides of the paper as mentioned above, so each slip of paper had one number on each side of it). 

Next, his job was to collect all pairs of “1” and “2,” along with pairs of “3” and “4,” before putting them into a small envelope. It was ten newspapers’ worth of “1 & 2” pairs and “3 & 4” pairs, thus coming to a total of twenty strips of folded paper. In short, this was a fake pile of lots, twenty strips of paper, to replace the original pile of everything from pairs “1 & 2” to pairs “39 & 40.” 

The plan was to force Dazai to draw from this pile, giving him only the chance to get a number from “1” to “4.” Whoever got the smallest number would lose, which meant Dazai’s loss had already been decided. In other words, he was going to get the role of the bomber. After that, Tanizaki would only have to switch piles again before everyone else drew a lot. There were nineteen slips of paper in the other pile, which started from the pair “5 & 6” and went all the way to “39 & 40.” Any number would end up being higher than what Dazai drew. 

The piles needed to be switched out only twice. As long as that was done, then the rest of the scheme was extremely simple and extremely hard to discover—cheating with a high chance of success. That was why meticulous training was necessary for switching out the piles. That was where Naomi and Kunikida would come in. In the conference room, Tanizaki would pretend to mix the pile of twenty strips of paper, but he’d actually switch them out with the “1 & 2” and “3 & 4” pairs. After Dazai drew a slip, Kunikida would then switch out the pile to the “5 & 6” through “39 & 40” pairs when he had his turn. 

Nonetheless, the envelope itself was prepared with a false bottom before the meeting, so switching out the pile itself wouldn’t be that difficult. 

It was a rather simple mechanism. The false bottom with the fake pile had a string attached that would just need to be pulled to switch the piles. This was Kunikida’s ultimate weapon against Dazai that he had been laboriously preparing for well in advance. 

All the traps had now been set. 

Each detective—Dazai, Kunikida, Yosano, Kenji, and Tanizaki—was holding a slip of paper. Whoever had the smallest number got shouldered with the most burdensome work, which in this case would be the role of the bomber. 

Tanizaki recalled the entire course of events. So far, everything had gone according to plan. Nevertheless, they were up against Dazai—a man who had been playing people, friend or foe, like a fiddle ever since he joined the agency. He was clever, and his behavior always made his intentions unclear as he led those around him into confusion and panic. His past was almost a complete mystery, and before anyone even realized it, everything was going down the path he laid. He was like a certain folkloric trickster. 

Would such a trick work on Dazai? 

“Okay, we’ll start with me.” 

Dazai unfolded the old newspaper scrap. 

“3 & 4” 

“Huh…” 

Dazai frowned. 

It worked. Tanizaki caught himself before those words slipped off his tongue. 

“Looks like you’re finally getting what you deserve,” Kunikida said to Dazai. 

Despite being dragged into this scheme, even the self-proclaimed “average guy” Tanizaki felt good seeing the plan go so perfectly. Dazai often led Tanizaki around by the nose and pushed his responsibility onto him, albeit not to the degree that he did with Kunikida. While saying this was revenge would be an exaggeration, it still did feel good to think of this as a little payback. 

Next, Kunikida unfolded his slip of paper: “7 & 8” 

The mechanism he created to switch piles was working like it should. In other words, the second switch was successfully carried out before Kunikida drew his numbers. Kunikida waved his paper in the air while boasting. 

“I beat you, Dazai! This alone has already brought me all the satisfaction I need.” 

“Darn, I was really looking forward to seeing you cry while holding a bomb and acting like a madman…,” Dazai muttered in abject disappointment. 

Yosano then opened her slip of paper: “27 & 28” 

Next up was Kenji: “33 & 34” 

Kenji, the youngest detective and most recent hire, had the best luck out of everyone. From Tanizaki’s point of view, while Kenji was the only agent younger than him, not once did he ever honestly believe he could beat him. Tanizaki was the only one left who hadn’t unfolded his slip of paper yet. 

“Let me tell you a little something before you open that, Tanizaki,” Dazai abruptly commented. 

“Yes?” 

“At this rate, there’s no doubt I’m going to end up with the lowest number. Perhaps this is payment for my wild lifestyle. So I’ve accepted my fate and will come up with a story for a man who has lost hope in humanity and excitedly dreams of blowing himself up while taking everyone with him. But first…I need a favor.” 

“A favor?” Tanizaki curiously tilted his head to the side. 

“When you think of bombers, you think of people barricading themselves in buildings, and when they do that, they always have a hostage. If possible, I’d really like someone sweet and passive for that role—someone whose appearance screams hostage. I thought I might ask your sister to play the part. Would that be all right with you?” 

Tanizaki looked at Naomi to his side. Neither startled nor puzzled, she placed a hand on her cheek. 

“I would love to, if you don’t mind,” Naomi replied while staring at her brother for some reason. Tanizaki had the feeling that something wasn’t quite right, but he nonetheless gave a noncommittal “I mean…as long as Naomi’s fine with it” and nodded. 

“I’m glad you’re on board. Now, go ahead, Tanizaki. Unfold your paper. Your glorious numbers await you,” said Dazai. 

The faintest of smiles played on his face. 

Kunikida stood up almost simultaneously, knocking over his chair. 

“Impossible,” he muttered. “Tanizaki, open it!” 

At Kunikida’s pale-faced urging, Tanizaki unfolded his slip of paper in a panic. 

“1 & 2” 

“Wha—?” 

“Oh, what do we have here? What are the odds?” Dazai grinned. “It appears the god of drawing lots is a mischievous one. I can’t believe you drew a number even smaller than mine, Tanizaki. You have the worst luck.” 

Flustered, Tanizaki checked the date on the slip of paper. It was from two months ago, the same as all the other ones. This was without a doubt the same as the others Tanizaki had prepared. The way it was cut out was no different from how Tanizaki had cut out the others, either. This was clearly made from one of the eleven newspapers. But that couldn’t be possible. There were only two piles. One contained twenty slips of the numbers “1” through “4,” and the other contained nineteen slips of the numbers “5” through “40.” Kunikida, Yosano, and Kenji most certainly drew from the latter with the bigger numbers, as did Tanizaki. There was no moment that the piles could have been switched out again. So how did Tanizaki get a slip with the number “1” on it? 

Tanizaki instinctively looked over to see Dazai’s reaction—a faint smirking. It was as if that smile could peer right into Tanizaki’s heart—as if Dazai knew that Tanizaki knew that he knew. 

“This is—” 

Impossible. But Tanizaki couldn’t say that. After all, the numbers were drawn at random. The only reason a person might make such a claim would be because they cheated. 

But who leaked the information? There was no way Kunikida would do something like that. Nor would Tanizaki himself. Which left them with—! 

Startled, Tanizaki looked over at Naomi, who gazed back at him teary-eyed. 

“I just…” 

Tanizaki could see the hearts pulsating in his sister’s eyes. She covered her slightly crimson cheeks with her long, delicate fingers, then said, “I just wanted…to be your hostage so you could tie me up and threaten me, my dear, sweet brother…” 

Night fell upon the agency. The meeting had finally come to an end, in all respects. Everyone left the room, each giving their impressions, then went back home. Although still utterly confused, Tanizaki ended up being assigned the role of the bomber for tomorrow’s entrance exam, and his sister, Naomi, was going to play the hostage. Nevertheless, Tanizaki did not have to do this alone. Both Dazai and Kunikida—who respectively pulled “3” and “7,” the next smallest numbers—would be assisting him. Specifically, they were going to call over the rookie to have him run into the bomber and solve the case. 

“Good work today, Tanizaki.” Yosano smiled faintly and patted Tanizaki on the shoulder on her way out. “I had a great time.” 

“Good luck tomorrow!” Kenji cheerfully waved good-bye. “I really hope the new guy passes the test!” 

Ranpo had already left the building before anyone noticed. On his desk sat a bag of cheap sweets, a cookie cutter, a meat bun wrapper, and some scribblings of the office floor detailing the best places for a bomber to barricade themselves. This must have been Ranpo’s way of cheering him on, but Tanizaki just woefully stared at it…because this much detail meant Ranpo must’ve started on the sketch before they’d even drawn lots. 

Tanizaki pondered Ranpo’s business trip the next day. He must have predicted that would be when the entrance exam took place, so he arranged it so he could be gone in order to avoid the hassle—as one would expect from the possessor of Super Deduction, which could see all truths. 

Most frightening, though, was the fact that Ranpo actually wasn’t a skill user. He truly believed he was, but he merely possessed godlike powers of observation and deduction, which he subconsciously used. But the truth as to why and how Ranpo believed this was a mystery to all those at the agency. 

“This is bullshit!” Kunikida yelled out in the pub. 

“Come on, Kunikida… It’s okay…,” Tanizaki feebly pleaded. 

They were at a pub not too far from the detective agency, one that stayed open late. Orange light radiated from the hanging lanterns as red-faced customers clamored like the roaring sea. On the family altar near the ceiling was a small daruma doll on display. 

Kunikida and Tanizaki walked through the pub’s curtain to have a review meeting and a reward for their hard work. In other words, a celebration half fueled by despair. 

“Man, that was fun, huh?” 

Dazai smiled while sampling his sake. He was tagging along for who knows why. Tanizaki, who was still underage, sipped on his soda. “But seriously, I just can’t believe you found us out…” 

“Heh. I’ve been scheming since you were in diapers,” Dazai said with a chuckle, then tilted his sake cup. “But the reason you failed this time was because of Kunikida’s mistake. Dragging his junior into this—especially when that junior was you—was too obvious. It made too much sense. A plan like that’s best done solo.” 

Kunikida glared at Dazai, pouting. “When you’re right, you’re right,” he muttered. 

“But, Dazai, how did you do it? If you’d pulled a big number, then I’d get it, but how did you make me draw a one?” 

Tanizaki drew from the pile of his own free will. The only way to make him draw a “1,” you would need to make the last fifty slips of paper all “1”s. While he did convince Naomi to join his side, he still clearly didn’t have any time to switch out the slips of paper after Kenji drew a “33” right before Tanizaki’s turn. 

“A true magician never reveals his secrets.” Dazai mischievously placed a finger to his lips. “I recommend figuring it out for yourself before you even try deceiving me again.” 

“I’ve been scheming since you were in diapers.” 

Dazai hadn’t been exaggerating. Kunikida then lowered his head to Tanizaki apologetically. 

“Sorry, Tanizaki.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Tanizaki smiled. “It was a good experience.” 

That was the truth. He had made it this far in life because he was easily swayed by others. He went along with Kunikida’s scheme because he was asked to, and he was going to play the bomber because that was the role shoved onto him. Despite having a slightly bizarre skill, he wasn’t great in combat like the other agents, nor was he especially cunning. Tanizaki didn’t have any mortal enemies, nor did he have a dark past or any trauma. He was an ordinary guy. The only thing he really even wished for was his little sister’s happiness. 

Even then, he didn’t care where the tide took him as long as he was in the detective agency. Therefore, he even planned on having fun with the bomber’s role that was pushed onto him. Fortunately, nobody had ever rebuked him for being weak-willed. 

“Nothing wrong with being weak. Let the tide take you somewhere far away.” 

Tanizaki thought back to something a former teacher had once said to him. Just when he lifted his head back up with a wry smirk, the waiter brought their food to the table. 

“Sigh. We wasted an entire day for nothing,” muttered Kunikida. “Tanizaki, have whatever you want. I know it’s not enough to pay you back for all that lost time, but tonight’s on me.” 

“Hooray!” cheered Dazai. 

“I’m not paying for you.” 

Kunikida asked the waitress for another glass of sake before facing the table once more. 

“By the way, we never got to finish talking about why the detective agency was founded, did we?” Tanizaki commented while picking up a slice of potato with his chopsticks. 

“Oh, right…” After taking a taste of his sake, Kunikida let out a deep sigh. “The president rarely talks about his past or himself. He doesn’t give much instruction, either. When the time comes, he’ll tell us how the agency was founded.” Kunikida stared off into space and continued as if he were talking to himself. “I’d love to meet the person who convinced the president to start it.” 

Dazai ambiguously smirked. Tanizaki then thought to himself that if it was someone that well acquainted with the agency, then it wouldn’t be a surprise if they had already met the person. Perhaps it was even somebody they knew very well. 

“But I bet you everyone’s dying to know. Go ask the boss next time we’re at work, Kunikida.” 

“Why me? You do it.” 

“All right, let’s all draw slips of paper to deci—” 

“I am never drawing lots again.” Kunikida scowled at Dazai. 

“How about we play a game where the four of us, including the president, draw lots, and the loser has to tell an embarrassing story from their past? That could work, methinks.” 

“Well, ‘methinks’ you need to shut up!” Kunikida yelled. “The only outcome I can see is me telling embarrassing stories about my past alone!” 

He tossed back his sake, then lazily drooped his head. Tanizaki slightly bowed when the waitress brought them another dish. 

“I ended up somehow helping you avoid taking responsibility today. It’s humiliating. I really thought I had you this time,” groaned Kunikida. “I don’t care how I do it. I just want to win and make you say uncle.” 

“Ha-ha. All you had to do was ask, and I’ll say it as many times as you’d like. Uncle. Uncle… Now, I wonder what kind of food awaits us under this lid here,” Dazai said while reaching out for the plate the waitress left. 

“By the way, Dazai, you drew a three, the smallest number after mine…which means you’re supposed to bring the new guy on the day of the test.” Tanizaki curiously tilted his head to the side. “Why didn’t you try to avoid doing that, too?” 

“Uncle, uncle, uncle. That’s because during the meeting today I felt that Kunikida wasn’t just trying to make me pay for everything I do to him on a daily basis. It was like he also wanted me to learn something during this entrance exam, and, well, you have to show a little gratitude for people’s goodwill every once in a while.” 

“Hmph. You’re just the absolute worst,” Kunikida spat before looking away as if to hide his expression. 

Dazai dragged the plate closer and reached for the lid. As he glanced toward the back of the pub, he commented, “Huh. I feel like I’ve seen that waitress from somewhere before…” 

He removed the lid, which instantly made a clicking sound. 

“……Hmm…?” 

Underneath was not food, but some sort of bizarre, elaborate contraption and solid fuel made from a claylike putty. Sticking out from the contraption was a fuse with a cord that connected to the lid in Dazai’s hand. Stuck to the back of the lid was a scrap of paper that slowly fluttered down onto the table: 

“I said to keep your eyes on me and me alone.” 

Wrapped around the rim of the lid was a motion-sensor cable. 

“……Uhhh… Is this…what I think it is…? One of those things that goes boom if I pull the lid any more than this…?” 

Face still frozen in a smile, Dazai turned to his colleagues. However… 

“Huh…? Tanizaki? Kunikida?” 

…they were gone before he’d even realized. Sensing danger, they’d bolted out of there like scared rabbits. All that remained were Dazai, who couldn’t even move a muscle, the bomb on a plate, and the other patrons, who began to realize what was happening and started to panic. 

“…Uhhh…………” 

Dazai pondered, looked up, looked down, thought about the position he was in, then considered what he ought to say next before murmuring feebly: 

“…Uncle.” 

It was the night before the new employee, Atsushi Nakajima, joined the agency—and the night had only just begun.