MONOLOGUE VI
I am dreaming.
Not the current me’s dream, nor the old me’s dream. This is her memory.
She was alone.
Even though she should have been fulfilled by love, she wasn’t satisfied at all. To some people, she probably seemed horribly arrogant, a figure of sickening extravagance.
How many people in the mortal realm had gone their whole lives without ever knowing love. You could count my old self among their number.
But because she knew love more than any other being, she experienced a hollowness that those who didn’t know love could never begin to understand.
Who is more unfortunate?
One who, because she is unfulfilled, can be starved for love?
Or one who, because she is fulfilled, can be imprisoned by love, killed by love over and over?
There is no answer.
All that can be said is that over the span of an eternity, even love can become a hellish, deadly poison.
In the dream, she is crying in a field of flowers.
Hands covering her face, the tears flowing down her cheeks, and her grief transform a field of red flowers in the twilight sun into a sea of gold.
“I can’t find it. I can’t find it.”
She kept weeping.
Until finally…a lone woman appeared before her.
It was a short, unyielding dwarf whose initial reaction to seeing her beautiful face and tears was surprise.
She immediately stood up. “You saw, didn’t you?”
Erasing any trace of tears, her eyes turned silver.
She was preparing to charm the dwarf who stood before her, to command her to forget everything. The dwarf’s body spasmed, and she stumbled closer. Just as she was about to give the order—
—the dwarf unleashed a powerful uppercut.
It landed perfectly, hitting so hard even I recoiled.
Struck square in the jaw, she fell back on her bottom. The field of flowers caught her, and red petals flew into the air. She rubbed her chin, and her eyes wavered as the dwarf woman’s face became like that of an ogre.
“Don’t be using any weird magic on me! You want me to send you flying?!”
Even though she had already sent her flying, the dwarf shouted furiously. She may have been a little bit slow in charming the dwarf woman, but she had resisted and sent her flying simply because she was strong.
In a shock, she said, “You do know I’m a goddess?”
The dwarf woman just snorted.
“As if I give a damn!”
The dwarf claimed to have never worshipped any god since the day she was born.
And hearing that, she laughed. Immodestly and loudly. She collapsed into the field of flowers again, curling up like a baby. Of all people, it was this dwarf woman who had robbed her of her first time.
She was the first person to punch her.
She just kept laughing and laughing until she finally asked, “Hey, what’s your name?”
“…Mia…”
She decided to tag along with this dwarf.
The dwarf had been born in a mining town. By the time she could walk, the place she called home was becoming run-down, and the mines were almost exhausted. All the men worked as miners, so the only people who remained in the village were frail, haggard girls. The dwarf woman ran a tavern—really not much more than a simple kitchen—by herself so that they could have something to eat.
The dwarf had stumbled across her in the flower field because she had been gathering ingredients to feed the people of the impoverished town.
“Not gods, food! I want food to fill a stomach more than any jewels!”
The dwarf knew the pangs of hunger better than anyone. And she thought warm food was worth far more than pretty jewels or a beautiful goddess. It was something that could never be seen in a perfect world like the heavens, which was so far removed from vulgar things such as hunger and poverty.
But at the same time, she had a thought. This was the true nature of the mortal realm. Precisely because it was incomplete, this world could give birth to the unknown that even deities couldn’t foresee. Because it was incomplete, it could cultivate beings like the dwarf standing before her.
And the greatest exemplar of the unknown was a hero.
That was when she started to think that the Odr she was searching for might be that sort of hero.
“I wonder if you are my destined companion?”
“Spare me the crap, you stupid goddess.”
As she looked at the dwarf in expectation, the dwarf completely and totally ignored her.
The dwarf woman was a pure cook, through and through, enough so that it actually disappointed her. She was an Andhrímnir with a sooty face who satisfied people’s stomachs.
This dwarf didn’t revere her at all.
This country dwarf didn’t understand the value she had, she who so many deities major and minor strove to make their own. And she didn’t care to know. Maybe because of how they had happened to meet, or maybe because she knew no fear. It was probably both.
So the dwarf had no problem handling her roughly, and if anything, since it was in just the right place, she paddled the goddess’s bottom—the goddess who was supposed to be the treasure of the world.
No matter how much her imposing familia might glare, the dwarf refused to change her attitude. She stuck to her pride as a cook even when facing down warriors far stronger than her. Even when the people of the mining town fell for her at first glance without exception, the dwarf woman just kept cooking. She had no blessing from any god, but her powerful spirit never buckled, even when it clashed with a goddess’s divine will.
This dwarf was a truly strange one.
And meeting this dwarf seemed to become her salvation, if only a little.
“Mia, on a whim, I saved your town.”
“…”
“I gave everyone a reasonable job, and this town won’t fade away now. So you don’t have to keep cooking anymore, right?”
“…”
“Speaking of, though, there’s a goddess here who’s stomach has been empty all this time.”
“…You stupid goddess.”
She took a liking to the dwarf, and with a little bit of force, she managed to make her a follower.
The dwarf, apparently not wanting to owe her for saving her hometown, accepted the goddess’s divine blessing, though she grumbled the whole time. However, she only agreed to accept under certain conditions. “Only until I’ve worked off my debt.” “If there’s ever anyone starving like in my hometown, I’m going straight there.” “And I’m going to open a real tavern like I’ve always wanted.” Those were the terms.
She accepted those compromises. And then she said this:
“Mia, I’m searching for my Odr.”
“I’ve heard it before. I’m not gonna be the one, and I’m not gonna help you with it, either.”
“Yes, I thought you’d say that. So I want you to make a promise with me.”
“A promise…?”
“Knowing you, if I do something you don’t agree with, you won’t hesitate to hit me again, right?”
“…”
“If it is for my Odr, I am sure I will become a saintly lady or a repulsive witch.”
“…”
“So, Mia, whether I become a good woman or a bad woman, don’t get in my way?”
“…”
“Please, Mia.”
“…I got it…”
If there was anyone who would get in the way of her wish, it was undoubtedly the dwarf before her eyes.
She had a feeling. So she proposed that promise while accepting the dwarf’s terms. And surprisingly, the dwarf accepted it without an argument.
She wondered why.
But soon, she understood.
The dwarf had already seen her cry like a pitiful little girl once before…
She continued her journey searching for her Odr, accompanied by the dwarf.
While traveling the mortal realm that was so much smaller than the vast heavens, she treasured the dwarf. She decided in her heart that this dwarf alone she would never charm.
The dwarf woman was virtuous. She didn’t have an elf’s dignity, and she was violent and wild, but she had a core more solid than anyone. The dwarf was the one person who would defy her, and she valued that. And despite the fact that the dwarf was far, far younger than her, in her heart she looked up to her like an older sister.
And that stout-hearted dwarf also knew that she could be driven mad by beauty. If the dwarf had ever sought her love, she wouldn’t have been able to recover.
Their travels continued.
When she was unable to find her Odr, her shoulders slumped countless times, and her familia of followers who worshipped her just continued to grow.
One day, she lost to the worst and most vicious goddess and was trapped in the Labyrinth City. She took her place at the center of the world, but still she continued to look for her Odr.
During her search, she welcomed a young boaz child.
She freed two kings from the island racked by the atrocious ages-long war between the white and black elves.
She received the prum quadruplets who were selling themselves in an industrial city.
She took in two kittens who were all alone in a world of ruins.
And I was saved from the winter in those slums.
The powerful, brave warriors who swore loyalty to her increased with every passing year.
But even so, she couldn’t find her Odr.
And when the city’s dark age came, the dwarf requested to leave her side.
That was the day when, consumed by the poison of boredom and convinced that she would never find her Odr, she began her role-playing.
And then she made friends.
She found another home.
The resignation, detachment, and boredom corrupting the goddess’s heart were eased.
She grew absorbed in her days spent as a simple girl.
Did she notice it?
Even though it was nothing more than a game, the days she spent like that enriched her, replacing the gold that she had lost in that flower field.
Did she notice that the girl had brought her closer to her wish?
But…ahhh…
She reached it again.
In this dream world, a beautiful, lonely field of flowers.
I can’t find it. I can’t find it. Even now she is crying.
Weeping ever since that day.
“Just let the tears out. Just let the tears out.
Because you aren’t really there.
In a garden of flowers, red tears, and blossoming gold.
May the light we still can’t see guide us.
And let’s smile together. Yes, let’s smile together.
Because I’m sure we will meet again someday.”
A song of tears echoed in the distance.
Though her Odr had finally appeared, she was even now still crying.
I could only watch from the outside.
Someone help.
Someone save her.
I prayed.
But there was no one to save her.
None other than the ones she had cast aside.
And unable to stop her, I helped her.
I was too slow to notice these tears.
Sorry, Ahnya.
Sorry, Chloe.
Sorry, Runoa.
Sorry, Lyu.
…I’m sorry, Mia.
She apologized as she cried.
I apologized, too.
But even so, her tears didn’t stop.
The gold continued to flow, and instead, her body melted away.
I clung on to her, saying the words that she would never say.
Stop me…
Save me…
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