Grimgal of Ashes and Illusion - Volume 10 - Chapter 0

0. The World

His breath turned white as he exhaled and prepared pine needle tea.

Because he always had young pine needles that he had washed in spring water and then dried and roasted already, it was an easy process. First, he lit a fire in the stove set up in front of his tent. He then put a kettle filled with water over the flame. Sitting down in his handmade folding chair, he waited for the water to come to a boil. Once it did, he placed the kettle on top of a wooden pot stand. He dropped the pouch full of leaves into the kettle.

He had a precise mechanical clock made by the dwarves of the Kurogane Mountain Range, but he wasn’t to go to the bother of getting it out. While looking up at the dawn sky, he counted and waited. If he wanted a thick tea, he’d count to 300. Usually he counted to 180. In other words, around three minutes.

He poured the tea from the kettle into his favorite wooden mug. The tea made from roasted pine needles was almost colorless.

He inhaled the steam. The refreshing scent of pine filled his nostrils, and his bearded face broke into an unintended smile. Phew... phew... He blew on the tea, then took a sip. The mild taste spread through his mouth, running down his throat into his stomach.

“That’s good,” he said quietly to himself, enjoying the aftertaste.

Ahh, he wanted another sip. He couldn’t help himself. When it finally became too much to bear, he brought the mug to his lips. The second sip was exquisitely delicious.

Every morning, when he woke up, this was the first thing he did, unless it was raining. When he wasn’t residing in an area where the snow piled up, he always pitched his tent in the open, so he couldn’t do it on rainy days even if he wanted to. It was a luxury he was afforded only when it didn’t rain. When all was said and done, he tasted that luxury on more than half of the days of any given year.

He always found himself thinking, It’s not a bad life.

Taking it easy, once he finished drinking as much pine needle tea as he wanted, now it was time to decide what to do for the day. There were some clouds out, and the air was dry, but it didn’t seem possible that it would rain anytime in the next three hours. For a day this time of year, when the winter drew closer day by day, the temperature wasn’t all that cold.

Fishing, maybe? Going fishing in the mountain stream seemed like a good idea. He had plenty of stocks, so he could laze the day away and it would be no problem.

He’d do as he pleased, what he wanted, how he wanted, and however much he wanted to. In the end, that was what suited him.

In order to live this way, he’d washed his hands of the volunteer soldier business. Even if he hadn’t had it in mind when he’d changed classes to become a hunter, which he’d done after some things had happened, it must have been to prepare him for this. He’d always wanted this kind of lifestyle.

Having granted his own wish, he was as satisfied as could be. He hardly ever remembered his comrades’ faces now. Where were they, and what were they doing these days? Were they in good health?

It wasn’t as if he didn’t care at all. If his comrades still lived, it wasn’t impossible that they might meet again, but if you were to ask him if he wanted to meet them again, the answer was no.

Honestly, he was hesitant to. In order to attain freedom, he’d had to go it alone.

His sole worry had been whether he could endure the solitude. There were still nights when he felt unbearably lonely, but he had gradually learned how to get through them. The heartrending loneliness didn’t last long anymore. It gradually, gradually built up, and then when it reached a peak, he’d quickly get better. Unlike hunger or sleepiness, it wasn’t something he could die from. In the end, it was just loneliness. Once he cried from loneliness, that was the end of it, and the tears could wash any emotion away for him.

He obeyed only himself and nature, and he never had to think about unnecessary things. This lifestyle had a value he wouldn’t trade for anything.

Rising to his feet, he folded up his chair, and decided, Time to go for a walk. Lands with distinctive scenery, like the Quickwind Plains, the Nehi Desert, and the Nargia Highlands were interesting, but the mountains were breathtaking wherever you went. It didn’t have to be a major mountain range like the Tenryus, the Kuarons, the Rinstorms, or the Kuroganes. Even the small mountains you could find here and there each had their own unique appeal to them.

The more he walked, the more new discoveries he made, and he simply never got tired of them. Even if he did get tired of them, he could always set off on a new journey. The world was vast. Even if he spent his whole life, he likely wouldn’t be able to see it all.

He prepared himself, moved away from his camp, and went down a game trail in the undergrowth.

By no means had he let his guard down. The moment he sensed the strong stench of a beast, he looked around the area.

There was a noise. Coming through the grass and trees. It was ahead of him, on the left.

Whether I run or fight, I’m not going to make it in time, he thought.

What was he up against? He had some idea. This stench. It was probably a bear.

He covered his face with his hands before it ran into him. Bears go for the face. He knew this from experience. As expected, it chomped down on his left hand which was protecting his face. It pushed him down at the same time.

His left hand was a lost cause. He gave up on it immediately, shoving his already-mauled left hand towards the animal’s mouth. Having a foreign object shoved into its mouth, it groaned. While groaning, it was trying to swing both its paws down.

It wasn’t small. It was a fairly large bear. Probably close to three meters tall. One blow from its claws was likely to rend both flesh and bone. He knew that, so he clung to the beast desperately.

Burying his face in its smelly fur, his left hand still in its mouth, he wrapped his right arm around its neck and pressed himself close to it. Its claws dug into his left shoulder, and then his right flank. If it dragged them, he was finished.

He thrust the index and middle fingers of his right hand into its left eye. The bear howled with pain. It paws moved violently. Its claws injured him all over. He felt no pain.

Fight back.

He had to fight back.

He screamed, unable to admit defeat. While raising their voices at each other, he rammed his left hand, which he had no idea what shape it was in, down the bear’s throat. He punched it in the face with his right hand. He hit it like crazy.

Suddenly, his body soared through the air. Apparently, the beast had suddenly twisted its whole body, and the force of that threw him.

In midair, he drew his knife.

It looked like the bear was swinging at its falling prey. His body was broken badly. Had some part of it been destroyed? He didn’t know.

The impact made him lose consciousness for an instant. It was only an instant.

It was above him. It looked like he was being held down. While using his left arm, which no longer retained its original shape, to defend his face and neck somehow, he flailed wildly with the knife. He wanted to raise his legs to guard his belly, too, but for some reason he couldn’t do that very well.

The bear must have come up with a plan, because it raised its upper body. Not good. Its terrifying claws were coming down.

Avoid them.

He rolled to the right but was unable to get out of the way entirely, and when he was facing away from it, a blow practically crushed his left shoulder.

He crawled, trying to get away. No good. He couldn’t get away. It caught him.

Was he being held down? He couldn’t breathe. The bear bit down on him.

It was his left flank. He was wearing leather, but it didn’t even matter. The bear was eating it. It was really eating him now. His flesh.

Unable to hold it in, he cried out in anguish. “Gyahhhhhh!” Even so, he didn’t miss the chance to fight back against the creature that was focused on eating him.

He twisted his whole body, changing his knife to a backhand grip and targeting the animal’s right eye. It didn’t sink in deeply, but he was able to damage the eyeball. The bear had taken a wound to its left eye earlier. Now it couldn’t see well with either eye. It whimpered pathetically and pulled away from him.

In times like this, wild beasts didn’t hesitate. It turned and ran. It was running away.

“...What the hell?”

He coughed. It was intensely painful. He didn’t let his knife go. It might come back. No, that wasn’t likely. At the very least, it wasn’t likely to return for a while. Besides, even if he had a knife, he couldn’t fight anymore.

He closed his eyes. He waited for the coughing to subside. He opened his mouth to make breathing just a little easier. He wasn’t sure it helped much. He didn’t have the courage to try to move.

It was scary. How badly was he injured, and where? He didn’t want to know what state he was in.

Well, this isn’t going to end well, he sensed. He was probably hurt badly enough that it was a mystery he was still alive. He knew that full well, but he deliberately didn’t want to take stock of the situation.

Disappointment.

Despair.

Regret.

Shame.

This is pathetic. Am I an idiot? he wondered.

But he couldn’t help it. There was a sense of resignation, too. This was what it meant to live all alone out in nature.

Bears were usually nocturnal. But it was different just before they hibernated for the winter. He’d known that, and it wasn’t as if he hadn’t been on guard. For its part, the bear probably hadn’t been looking to hunt a human, either. They mainly fed on deer, young ganaroes, pebies, rats, fish, and fruit. He suspected that the bear had been startled when they’d met and attacked him reflexively.

Thanks to that, he was in this sad shape, and the bear had taken some non-trivial injuries, too. It had been an unfortunate accident for both.

If you weren’t living in a city surrounded by stone walls, accidents like this could happen at any time. The moment he’d chosen to live away from people, he’d anticipated this sort of end. If he’d been luckier, he might have been able to go more peacefully, but that had just so happened to not be the case. That was all.

Fortunately, it looked like he wasn’t going to die immediately. He opened his eyes. He really couldn’t convince himself to check the state of his wounds. Could he move?

He tried to roll onto his belly. His left arm was done for, and he had no strength in his legs, but his right arm was fine, so he managed it somehow.

“...Now, then.”

It was time to have fun crawling. He was completely reliant on his right arm, so it took more than thirty seconds for every meter he went. What was more, he had to take frequent breaks, or it became difficult. It hurt, too. He’d probably lose the power to continue shortly.

“When it happens, it happens...”

He’d just go as far as he could. He’d learned that much in his time as a volunteer soldier. That, no matter what, he should do his best. That was all he could ever do.

He focused on moving forward, and maybe he just didn’t want to think. He’d been prepared, but now that he was facing an end like this, a regret or two came to mind. He didn’t want to regret things now. There was nothing he could do about them.

There had been a lot of twists in his life, but he’d lived the way he wanted. He was about to complete the life he’d chosen. He wanted to think that way. He didn’t want to think about the comrades he’d left behind, for instance.

I should have done this. I should have done that.

There was another way. If he looked to the past, it was possible he’d become fixated on those regrets.

He was going to die anyway. Whatever the case, he hadn’t been wrong. He wanted to die believing that.

Death wasn’t frightening. He’d lost comrades before, and watched while it happened. He felt like he knew what death was.

The dead didn’t come back. They remained only in the memories of the living. If no one remembered them, they’d vanish completely.

Naturally, it was hard to take the death of those close to him. There were even times when it had felt like some part of him had been torn out. Time could dull that sadness and sense of loss, but if he thought back to it, his chest tightened.

I want to see those who’ve died. Why can’t I? he’d think. This world was unfair.

“If it’s just me, no one loses anything...” he murmured.

Was that true?

Was that why he’d parted from his friends and chosen to live alone?

No, that can’t have been all there was to it. He’d wanted to cast away all his burdens, to live uninhibited and free. He’d wanted to live just for himself.

In exchange for having gotten that, he couldn’t rely on anyone else. He wouldn’t trouble anyone.

He’d had enough of everything.

He was fine just by himself.

He didn’t need anything else.

He’d live, and die, alone.

Wasn’t this ideal, then?

Still, it was hard to believe it. What a shock. He’d made it back to camp.

He’d pitched a tent in a slightly open space with good visibility, built a cooking stove, laid out a full set of cooking gear, and put down a fold-up chair. He liked that sort of detailed work. Whenever he’d looked at the beautiful scenery as he was cooking, he’d been able to feel, from the bottom of his heart, that he was glad to be alive.

What a small, boring person I am, he laughed.

He was fine with that. It was the truth.

Leaning against the stove, his eyes were cast low, so he couldn’t see the mountain slope or the plains in the distance. But the sky spread out endlessly, and even as the chilling pain tormented him, he felt a little bit good.

This wasn’t bad. He’d die here. It was a fine conclusion.

“...Is it really, though?” he murmured.

Who am I even asking? he laughed. He was the only one here. Once he expired, the beasts would come to devour his remains, no doubt. He prayed that, before the curse of No-Life King took its effect, they’d dispose of him entirely.

Well, even if things didn’t work out so neatly, it’d be after he was dead. He didn’t have to care. He could reach his end silently here.

This was for the best. Far better than having someone else die on him again.

He hated that. He never wanted to experience it again.

If he had lived interacting with others, even if it hadn’t been as a volunteer soldier, he’d have lost someone someday. People, all living beings, are guaranteed to die, after all.

To die.

So what...?

It was simple... a given...

“Hey, Geek.”

It had been a while since anyone had called me that. So long, in fact, that I’d forgotten ever being called that.

Keenesburg. Not the one in New Jersey. Colorado.

In that town with a population of about 1,000, everyone knew almost everyone, and having been born an otaku, I wasn’t just in the minority, I was a rare creature, and that made it damn hard to live there.

I’d been an otaku for as long as I could remember, and at some point, they’d started calling me Geek. Though I continued to be mocked horribly by the other kids in the neighborhood, I had no option but to act like a bug that clings to your clothes and comes into your home without you noticing, and subtly get them to let me join in with them.

I’d gotten sick of myself for doing that, and I thought I might be happier if they oppressed me and pushed me away, but, to them, I was just an otaku cockroach, not worth going to the trouble of bullying.

Well, I myself was able to see that I was worthless, and partly due to the influence of my father, who had a drinking problem and was an atheist, I didn’t believe in God. There would be no salvation. I’d live with the fact that this town, this country, and everyone else would just die, and I was at least a third of the way to being serious about it.

But I was definitely a natural-born otaku. One day I discovered Japan’s anime on the internet, and I started reading manga, too.

I had a dream now. I wanted to go to Japan. There was no God, and no heaven, but in Japan, there was paradise. That helped me get stronger.

“Hey, Geek.”

I had a stupid grin on my pimply face. But when Matt, the big guy who had spent more than five years mocking me called me that, I snapped and leapt at him. My surprise attack was a success, and I pushed Matt down, mounted him, and flailed ineffectually at his face.

At the time, my heart was growing stronger, but my body was still weak, so I couldn’t actually clobber Matt. Naturally, once he recovered from the surprise, Matt easily pushed me off him. His blows weren’t so ineffectual, and I really did get clobbered. Still, I didn’t beg for mercy. I defended myself the best I could, gritted my teeth, and held in there until Matt’s fierce assault stopped.

It seemed like eventually Matt’s fists started to hurt, and he left, spewing profanities as he went.

Keenesburg.

I lay on the side of the road on South Pine Street, alone, singing a little victory song to myself. I was an otaku, but I wasn’t weak. Or stupid. I’d get stronger, and I’d make my dream come true.

How long had it been since then?

Why was I here?

Hadn’t my dream come true?

Yeah. I’d studied Japanese. My textbooks had mostly been anime and manga. Also, anime music and J-pop. I’d read Japanese novels, too. I’d also studied.

I had originally done better in the sciences, but after studying Japanese, I stopped hating subjects in the humanities so much. While running and stretching, I did body building and trained. Even if I’d never be as big as Matt, I got some muscle on me.

I wasn’t popular with the girls. No, not just the girls. No one, not even the guys, wanted anything to do with me.

I endured the solitude, and then, finally, set my feet on Japanese soil as an exchange student. It was for a period of about a year. I spent my days thinking, I never want to go home.

Why couldn’t I have been born in this country? Anyway, the country was well-suited to me.

Naturally, I was still an otaku, but that actually made the Japanese feel a sort of fondness for me. With my host family, the Hazakis, I felt a warm sort of familial love that I’d never experienced with my real family. In a Japanese high school, a place I had dreamed of attending, I was able to make real friends for the first time.

I found love, too. With a Japanese high school girl, a JK, Satsuki. Yes, I got myself a girlfriend with the same name as that girl in Tonari no Totoro. Satsuki and I held hands and went out on a date. We walked along an embankment, crossed a bridge, went into a bookstore, and sat on a park bench.

“Jessie, your Japanese is really good,” Satsuki always told me.

“It’s, like, so natural,” she’d say.

I felt like I’d gone to heaven. I might not believe in God, but if he were to take me to heaven, this is what I’m sure would it feel like.

I kissed Satsuki. It was a sweet kiss, in which only our lips touched. But that was all. I was hesitant.

I mean, I’d have to go back, and I couldn’t be with Satsuki forever. Was this her first kiss? I wanted to ask Satsuki, but I could never do that.

I mean, if it wasn’t, what would that even matter? If I was her second, her third, I could feel more easy about pushing the relationship forward, maybe even have sex with her if things went well, was that it?

I wasn’t able to think that way. I seriously loved Satsuki. Childish as this was in retrospect, I wanted to love Satsuki with all the sincerity I could muster, while still remaining true to myself.

Naturally, I had a sex drive. I felt so pent up after our dates, but I didn’t want to use her just to deal with that. Even once I returned home, we’d have the internet, so we could manage. There was no guarantee a long-distance romance wouldn’t work out.

Still, even though I told myself that, it was hard to believe it. If I were able to remain in the country and I could come to see her on the Shinkansen or something, that would be one thing, but we’d have the vast Pacific Ocean separating us. If I thought about it calmly, it wasn’t going to work.

As the day I was going to leave Japan drew closer, Satsuki told me, “I’m okay with a long-distance relationship.”

I just repeatedly told her I loved her. That was how I really felt. But I didn’t want to make it clear we were breaking up and hurt her. I wasn’t ready to get hurt, either.

For a while after I left Japan, we communicated over the internet, but our multiple video chat sessions per day eventually became one, then one every several days.

Eventually, Satsuki said, “Jessie, aren’t you being a little cold lately?” And when I apologized, she snapped at me.

That was it. She’d probably found another guy she liked. I’d had a sense it was coming for a little while, but I had no intention of asking. I still loved Satsuki, but that gave me all the more reason not to tie her down. I wanted her to be happy more than anyone.

Not being at her side, I couldn’t even hold Satsuki’s hand. That was why I was fine with this. I kept telling myself that.

I still planned to go back to Japan, though. It wasn’t that I hated my own country. It just really didn’t suit me. While living in my country, I felt like a stranger. I felt like my parents weren’t my real parents. I felt like I’d been born in a distant land, and I’d only grown up here as the result of some mistake.

I mean, no matter how you looked at me, I was just a white guy who’d grown up in a small American town like Keenesburg, had a bad, but not terrible, family life, gotten good grades, been able to attend a good high school, and gone to a pretty decent university.

But that was wrong. That wasn’t me. I’m sure no one would understand, but I did.

I couldn’t be happy here. If I were in Japan, I could be myself. I could live the way I wanted, and even if I couldn’t patch things up with Satsuki, I could find a wonderful girl to love, and someday I could even build a family.

When that time came, I was sure I’d finally be able to love my parents. No matter what else had happened, they’d birthed me into this world. I’d no doubt be grateful and do everything I could to be a good son.

In other words, everything would be good. It would all take a turn for the better. I was confident. In my year as an exchange student, my self-confidence had grown.

So, while attending university, I used a variety of methods, legal and otherwise, to make money. When I’d saved up enough for a few months over there, my patience ran out.

I took a break from my studies and flew from Denver International Airport to Seattle, Vancouver, and finally Narita.

I’d finally returned to Japan. Bliss and relief. That was what I felt.

“...Why? Grim...gar...”

That’s weird, I thought.

I was in Japan.

Or I should have been.

While making money in the ways I’d learned to while in university, I lived the otaku life.

I found more friends. Not just otaku friends. I hung out with normies, too.

I didn’t go near Roppongi all that often, but Nakano, Shinjuku, and Akihabara were like my backyard. The time I was going to stay slowly got extended, and I started thinking about what I could do to stay.

First of all, I couldn’t drop out of university. It was probably a good idea to explain things to my parents, too. I’d need to go back home for a time, but that was a pain. But I couldn’t just stay here like this.

It would be a lot easier to live here if I had a proper job. I had leads on that. It might be weird for me to say this myself, but I was clever. I was a pretty talented person. No matter what I did, I was never the best. But I could do better than most, so I could manage.

So... I was in Japan.

I should be... in Japan, so why...?

Why was I in Grimgar?

Before he knew it, he’d arrived in Grimgar.

A red moon. The moon was red, and that surprised him.

Just what happened...?

It was no good. He didn’t know. Anyway, this wasn’t Japan. It was Grimgar. Or was that all a dream?

He opened his eyes which had closed at some point. Scattered clouds. He could see the pale blue sky. This wasn’t Tokyo’s sky.

Tokyo. That’s right. I was in Tokyo. There’s no doubt about that. But this is in the mountains. On one of the Seven Mountains with their distinctive peaks. The Broken Valley where the grey elves lived was at the base of them. Yes. This is Grimgar.

He could remember details about all the comrades he had met and parted ways with here. He had an equally vivid recollection of Satsuki and all his friends in Tokyo’s faces, too.

Weird.

He’d forgotten them for all this time.

What had happened?

How had he ended up like this?

That didn’t matter now. Why was he still breathing? Even the pain felt far away. He was going to die...

Die.

Am I going to die? I want to see Satsuki. Am I stupid? How many years do I think it’s been since we last saw each other? Being half dead is messing with my head. No, but my consciousness is surprisingly clear. I doubt I can move even a finger, and my eyelids are half closed. I’m clearly going to be dead soon. Despite that—am I going to die? To die like this?

This was unexpected. He’d expected his existence to be narrowed, to lose sight of it, his emotions and thoughts getting thinner, and then there to be nothing left. If he didn’t die instantly, that was what he’d expected the end to be like. Was that not what it was like? Death?

I’m going to die.

Any time now.

Still not yet?

When is this going to be over with? Give me a break already.

To think he’d have to sit here, impatiently waiting for death.

Something else.

Yeah. Think about something else. Enough about death.

It was inevitable. That was what made death scary. He knew now from experience. But there was just no helping it. If he acted scared, he’d just be scared. Time to distract himself.

Grimgar.

What was with this world? It was different—a different world? Or was it somewhere on Earth? No, there was no way such a vast land unexplored by people could still exist. In that case, it wasn’t Earth. Another planet? The first exoplanet had been discovered in 1995. Lots had been found since. There were a number of them in the habitable zone, suitable for giving birth to life, but they were all distant. Unless faster than light travel had been made possible, like in some sci-fi novel, there was no way to go to them. He couldn’t say the alternate planet theory was realistic.

Realistic?

There was magic in Grimgar. They even said there were gods. This place wasn’t realistic to begin with.

Which meant...

...it wasn’t reality?

Was it really a dream?

Not possible. No dream was this long, coherent, engaging of all of the senses, detailed, and vague yet deep. This was no dream. It was an indisputable reality.

Even so, Tokyo in Japan and Grimgar weren’t connected. There was an unfillable disconnect between them.

It was a different world. A parallel world? Like in the many-worlds theory? Had some effect transferred him to one of those unobservable parallel worlds?

It was a ridiculous idea. He was fine hypothesizing that by some infinitesimally small probability, such a thing might have happened. But that wasn’t it. The majority of the volunteer soldiers in Alterna had been people in the same situation as him.

That was reality.

This was reality.

But what if it wasn’t?

Because he’d thought that was reality, he was able to believe this was also reality. What if that world, which had served as his basis for judging what was reality, hadn’t been reality to begin with?

An idea suddenly occurred to him.

Simulation theory.

If sentient life forms, humans for instance, invent a computer, and that technology becomes advanced enough to simulate a universe, the odds of such a simulation being created are incredibly high. If the humanity inside the simulation in turn becomes advanced enough to simulate the universe, there would likely be a simulation inside the simulation. That simulation is bound to have a simulation inside it, as well.

Those simulations would simulate the entire universe, so the individual life forms inside the simulation would act like ones that actually existed. The simulated people would be unlikely to realize they were being simulated. Even if they suspected it to be the case, there was fundamentally no way to prove this world was a simulation.

Naturally, there was also the possibility that he was not living in a simulation, but was a resident of the one true world. However, if it was possible to simulate a universe, it was appropriate to assume there would be not just one simulation performed, but many. With simulations running inside simulations, it could logically be deduced that there were an infinite number of simulated universes. In comparison, there was only one real world.

In the end, was he a person in a simulation, or was he a person living in the real world? In the infinity, or the one?

Naturally, the odds that he was living in a simulation were overwhelmingly higher.

Originally, this hypothesis had been proposed by some Swedish guy whose name he didn’t remember. Had he read it in a book or something? That time, he’d gone, Huh, that makes a lot of sense, but he hadn’t taken it all that seriously. The reality in front of him was far more important, after all, and the technological hurdles were so high that he found it unrealistic to imagine even simulating just one person. Simulating the universe had to be impossible. At that point, at least.

However, time had moved on.

ENIAC, said to be the first computer, had been completed in 1946. In just decades since then, computers had improved by leaps and bounds.

In that case, what about a century from now? How would things look in a millennium? If humanity wasn’t wiped out, they would definitely be able to simulate the universe someday. If that time was sure to come, the simulation theory wasn’t just a theory.

For instance, imagine Simulated World A. Assume there is a Simulation B inside it, which has been performed a number of times, and in Simulation B there is Simulation C which has also been performed a number of times. What if a bug or something in B sent people from B to C...?

Even if that were the right answer, the people living inside the simulation wouldn’t be able to demonstrate it. However, compared to thinking that a person from Tokyo, Japan on Earth in Real World X was transferred to Alterna in Grimgar in Real World Y, it was far easier to accept.

A simulation. A simulation, huh?

He himself was living in a simulation within a simulation. When he thought of it that way, his life suddenly felt a whole lot more trivial.

It was empty.

Still, he’d believed things were how you thought of them, and there was no heaven or hell, that they were scientifically impossible, but maybe the world beyond death was simulated, too. If so, death was not an end, but a journey into a new world.

Whatever the case, it was all just a simulation, though.

“...Is someone... watching...?” he murmured.

“Yeah, I’m watching.”

He got a response.

No way.

He couldn’t move his head. He searched for the speaker using just his eyes.

There.

At his feet.

Crouching down.

She wore a hood, so he couldn’t see her face, but she was probably a woman. He felt like the voice was more feminine than masculine, too. Her words were in the common language of Grimgar, spoken by humans, elves, and dwarves. Come to think of it, why was the common language identical to Japanese? Now that he thought of it, the language of the undead was kind of like English.

“...I guess it doesn’t matter,” he murmured. “Either way...”

“You were talking about something interesting,” the woman said.

“...Tal... king? Who was...?”

“You.”

“...Was... I talking... out loud? Oh. I didn’t think... anyone was there. I thought... it was just me.”

“Did a bear get you?”

“...Mm.” Even just nodding felt like it would shorten his life.

What a laugh. What was wrong with that? He wasn’t long for this world. Whether death came in ten minutes, five minutes, a minute, or thirty seconds, it wasn’t that big of a difference.

Besides, his life was almost certainly just a simulation anyway, so it was ridiculous to think about life and death. They were both meaningless.

There was nothing of value.

It was stupid, and ridiculous.

He wished he could just die already.

He wanted to disappear.

“The bear looked like it’d be dangerous if it were left alone, so I finished it off,” said the woman. “I think it was probably the bear that did this to you.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“What’s wrong?”

Nothing, really.

There was nothing to it.

There was nothing that could be done.

To think, on the verge of death, he’d be able to feel like this.

“Are you crying?” the woman asked.

He might well be.

He didn’t want to realize it.

He wanted to die without knowing anything.

That way was easier. How had things ended up like this?

Whatever the cause, he’d been transferred from Tokyo in Japan to Grimgar. When it’d happened, he’d forgotten almost everything about that world. Thinking about it, that might have been someone’s act of mercy.

There was no need to know. It was better not to. He didn’t have to think about it. About whether he was just a simulation, or whether he wasn’t.

Whether it was a coincidence or an inevitability, he was a single life form born in a certain place, a single human being. Sometimes with diligence, others with sloth, and yet others with desperation, he would run through his limited time and someday he would die.

There were some who were praised as heroes, others who were mocked as cowards, and others who were scorned. There were those who loved people and brought happiness, and those good-for-nothings who stole from people or hurt them, too. There were even those who were at some times virtuous, and yet at other times would stain their hands with villainous deeds. Be they petty, great, or somewhere in between, all lives were unique, and each one had value.

At the very least, for the people themselves, they were the one and only life they had.

It was best to die feeling that way.

If he could believe it, he wanted to.

He couldn’t anymore.

“Do you want to not die?” the woman asked.

He didn’t have the strength remaining to answer. But, if he could, he’d say it. With all his soul, he’d shout it out.

YES! he’d cry. I don’t want to die.

He’d thought he’d prepared himself to die long ago, but now he had to suspect that everything about that preparation had been hollow. He didn’t want to die like this.

I know. Whether I want to or not, I’m going to die. I can’t not.

But I don’t want to.

Do I want to live more? I don’t know. But I don’t want to die feeling like this.

“There’s a way. Just one,” the woman was saying somewhere off in the distance.

Far, far away.

No, that probably wasn’t it. He was probably going away himself.

He couldn’t see anything anymore.

He was dying.

“You seem to know some fascinating things, so I’d rather not let you die like this,” the woman said. “I wanted to at least get your name, but it can wait.”

And then the woman added:

“See you later.”