Grimgal of Ashes and Illusion - Volume 15 - Chapter 4

4. The Dark is Cold and Gentle

The first time.

When she came to, Merry had nothing but the clothes she happened to be wearing, and remembered nothing beyond her own name.

Merry was not alone, but was in a group of 11 people, and out of those 11, the ones she ended up working with were Hayashi, Michiki, Ogu, and Mutsumi.

Though she didn’t remember it clearly, Hiyomu had shown up all of a sudden, and led them to Alterna. That must have happened in front of the Forbidden Tower, because she had no memories of Hiyomu below or inside the tower.

When Merry was telling the story, Haruhiro noticed something. For some reason, the details of inside of the tower and the area beneath it were a haze. He checked with Kuzaku, Shihoru, and Setora, and it was the same for all of them.

As Merry explained it, the memories had come back, like, “Oh, yeah, that’s what it was like.” But when he tried to recall the finer details of that place on his own, he just couldn’t seem to. The conversations he’d had inside and below the tower were kind of a blur.

In response to this, “Maybe we were drugged,” Setora suggested.

According to Setora, though she didn’t remember the different types, the secretions of certain plants and animals could cause effects like hallucinations, hypnosis, and derangement. It wouldn’t be that odd for one of them to cause memory loss and confusion.

Whatever the case, Merry and her group were taken to Alterna, and were offered enough money to cover their living expenses for the time being if they would become volunteer soldiers. With no idea what was going on, they had accepted this offer in order to survive.

Though they had come at a different time, Haruhiro and the others had apparently become volunteer soldiers through a similar course of events.

There were hundreds of volunteer soldiers like them, some percentage of whom had died, had their bodies burned to ash, and were buried beneath the graves scattered across the hill.

“It’s kind of incredible, huh?” Kuzaku said with a sigh.

By “incredible” he must have meant “terrible.”

Hiyomu had talked about switching sides, and becoming the ones who used others.

In other words, Haruhiro and the others who had their memories stolen were being used from the beginning. Did that mean that being pushed into becoming volunteer soldiers was part of that?

Who was the mastermind behind all of this? Higher-ups in the Kingdom of Arabakia? Hiyomu’s master? Or someone else pulling the strings in the shadows?

If they had obeyed Hiyomu, they might have found out. It was too late for that now.

Besides, Hiyomu had demanded they obey her, not that they become her comrades, or help her. She had the upper hand. It wasn’t an even trade. It was fair to consider the possibility that she would still have taken advantage of them.

He wanted to think that made it fine that things turned out this way, but there was too little that was positive about the situation for him to feel that way.

Haruhiro and the others proceeded farther north through the forest.

Once they were through the not particularly large woods, there would be an imposing fortress called Deadhead Watching Keep, which was supposed to be guarded by the Kingdom of Arabakia. Alterna had fallen to the enemy, but they had to check what happened to the keep, too.

When they came out of the forest, they could see a building that certainly looked like a fortress across from them.

There were bushes growing here and there in the barren field, and lumber and quarried stone scattered around. But that wasn’t all.

There were watchtowers dotted around. Each had several tents around it. Some had fences, too.

There were people on top of some of the towers and fences.

No, not people.

Haruhiro and the group hid behind piles of lumber and stone, surveying the camp from a distance. They looked human, but were clearly not.

They were maybe a little larger than humans. Their hair was a bright whitish color, but probably not due to age. Their skin was probably green.

“Orcs...” Merry said.

Unfortunately, Haruhiro didn’t remember this, but Deadhead Watching Keep was once occupied by orcs. The Kingdom of Arabakia Frontier Army and volunteer soldiers had attacked and taken it. Incredibly, Haruhiro and his party had taken part in the battle, and had actually made a major contribution.

At the time, Kuzaku had been in another party. He’d had other comrades.

However, Kuzaku lost them all in that battle.

One of Haruhiro’s comrades had died in that battle, too.

He didn’t remember it at all, but it apparently happened.

They had won the battle.

The volunteer soldiers had received a large amount of money as a reward. It had cost Haruhiro’s party a lot of pain to get it, though.

The Kingdom of Arabakia gained Deadhead Watching Keep.

Did this mean it had been taken back?

“Alterna was occupied by the enemy, so this shouldn’t come as a surprise.” Setora was as calm as ever. “Did the Kingdom of Alterna have any bases other than Alterna and that fortress?”

“We should’ve taken that map from the second floor of the Forbidden Tower.” Merry started drawing something like a map on the ground. “If this is Alterna...”

North of Alterna there was a vast plain. It was called the Quickwind Plains.

In the southwest of the Quickwind Plains, about 30 kilometers west-northwest from Alterna, the Kingdom of Arabakia Frontier Army had a garrison at the Lonesome Field Outpost.

On top of that, another 10 kilometers or so to the west of the Lonesome Field Outpost, along the Jet River, stood Riverside Iron Fortress, which was also a base for the Frontier Army. This fortress, like Deadhead Watching Keep, had once been under orcish control. The Frontier Army had taken Riverside Iron Fortress at the same time as Deadhead Watching Keep.

“I don’t want to be too pessimistic, but...” When Kuzaku had such a gloomy look on his face, you couldn’t help but feel the situation was really bad. “It’s hard to be super optimistic about this... outpost? At Lonesome Field, or this whatever-it-was at Riverside.”

“He has a point,” Setora said in an unemotional tone. “Though it’s not impossible that the soldiers who fled from Deadhead Watching Keep have gathered at Riverside Iron Fortress and are holed up there, they’d likely be under siege there if they did.”

“...Is there anywhere else we can go?” Shihoru looked so gloomy she seemed like she might just up and die at any moment. “Anywhere... at all...?”

Merry pointed to a spot about a meter up and to the right of Alterna on her crude map.

“If we went back to Vele, we’d be safe for a time. The Free City of Vele is neutral. Humans, orcs, undead, and goblins all live there.”

“That’s... pretty far, huh?” Haruhiro asked.

Merry nodded.

“I couldn’t tell you the exact distance, but it’s probably around 500 kilometers...”

“Well...” Kuzaku put on a strained smile. “That’s, what? A twenty day walk...?”

“With no guarantee of food?” Setora looked at Kuzaku with exasperation. “If your goal is to die along the way, that might not be a bad idea.”

“You’re being a little spiteful, aren’t you, Setora-san?”

“That wasn’t my intent at all. I do think the things you say are beyond foolish, though.”

Haruhiro had nearly let out a sigh, but without realizing it he held it in.

Yeesh. It feels like we’re blocked in on all sides.

He wanted to say that. But this wasn’t a situation where he could just throw his hands up. Even though, honestly, he was feeling depressed, Haruhiro wasn’t letting it show on his face. That wasn’t because he was determined not to. He just wasn’t for some reason.

“I want more information,” Haruhiro said, desperate, but doing his best to maintain a level tone and not sound like he was. “Precise information. That, water, and something to eat, I guess. It’d be good if we could hunt.”

“If only Yume were here...” Merry said, then shook her head. “...Not that saying that’s going to help.”

“...Yume?” Shihoru asked.

“Our comrade,” Merry said with a slight smile. When she recalled this Yume person, she couldn’t help but grin. That was the kind of smile it was. “Yume ended up separating from the group for a little while. We were supposed to meet back up in Alterna half a year after that, but... who even knows how much time has passed since then...?”

Shihoru pressed both hands against her chest.

“Yume...”

“Did you remember something?” Haruhiro asked.

Shihoru lowered her eyes, and shook her head.

“That’s... not it. It’s just... I don’t know why, but... it hurts, for some reason...”

“You and Yume were really close,” Merry said with a smile. “Yume’s a hunter... and just a great kid. I mean that. Strong, earnest... and funny.”

Kuzaku whispered in Haruhiro’s ear. “She’s a girl, right? This Yume-san.”

“Probably,” Haruhiro replied quietly.

“Me and Haruhiro are the only guys?” Kuzaku counted on his fingers. “...Isn’t the number of girls kinda high?”

“Man...”

“No, I mean, come on.” Kuzaku said weakly. He had to be curious about what the romance situation had been like. When there was a group with guys and girls, that sort of stuff came up naturally, or it was natural for it to come up, or something like that. Haruhiro could only smile wryly.

Haruhiro wasn’t completely uninterested himself, but...

Haruhiro didn’t know how to praise a woman for her appearance. In terms of words, he would probably call them “pretty,” or “cute,” but what kind of person was pretty, and what kind was cute?

In his estimation, Merry would fall under “pretty.” Definitely. Setora leaned towards “pretty,” too.

What about Shihoru? “Cute,” maybe? But in Shihoru’s case, he couldn’t deny the womanly aspects of her appearance left a stronger impression.

Regardless, all three of them were what you might call attractive in their own ways.

Thinking about it again, he had to cock his head to the side a bit and wonder at how he was able to interact with them so normally. If he were tall and muscular like Kuzaku, he might have an easy time attracting the opposite sex, but Haruhiro wasn’t. Just as he started to think about how he was plain, mediocre, no, even less than that, Haruhiro touched his own face. Suddenly, he snapped to his senses.

Though he hadn’t looked in the mirror to check what it looked like, Haruhiro was able to imagine his own face. Like he’d suspected, he had to remember more than just his name.

Not that remembering his own boring face made him terribly happy or anything.

“...Anyway, we’re not safe here, so let’s move away from the fortress. We can talk about what to do next later.”

He was talking almost like a leader.

Feeling embarrassed, he added, “...That okay?”

It seemed no one had any objection to that.

Haruhiro went back into the forest. First, he wanted to secure a place where they could rest. This forest was too close to both Alterna and Deadhead Watching Keep. They probably needed to go somewhere else. Haruhiro had planned to talk it over, but apparently his thinking had been too naive.

As soon as they went back into the forest, Kiichi looked one way, then suddenly stood up and looked the other. He seemed to be awfully tense.

Not long afterwards, they heard the barking of dogs. That settled it.

“That’s probably the goblins coming after us...”

“The question is how big their party is.” Setora was still calm. “If it’s ten, or even twenty, we can send them packing. But if it’s a hundred, maybe two, then that’s clearly more than we can handle, don’t you think?”

“Nah.” Kuzaku tried to act tough for a moment, but then admitted she was right. “...Okay, I’ve gotta agree.”

“...Is it just goblins?” Shihoru asked hesitantly. “The goblins and orcs are allies, aren’t they...?”

Merry lowered her eyes.

“I don’t know the exact relationship between goblins and orcs, but they both definitely belong to the Alliance of Kings...”

There was no denying the possibility that the goblins of Alterna might have sent a messenger to the orcs of Deadhead Watching Keep, and that they were now searching for Haruhiro and the others together.

Kuzaku groaned.

“Orcs look tough, huh? They’re big.”

For the moment, the goblins, and also the orcs, had yet to find Haruhiro and the others. But once they were found, it was going to be a pretty rough situation to be in.

“There’s Damuro to the west. The Cyrene Mines are northwest of there...” Merry shook her head. “Damuro is the Goblin base, and the Cyrene Mines are full of kobolds...”

“What’s to the east?” Setora asked.

Merry thought for a moment before answering.

“If we head east from these woods, we should come out into the Quickwind Plains. Beyond there... I wouldn’t expect to find any towns, at least.”

“The south is...” Haruhiro looked southward. “Mountains, huh? ...A whole mountain range. How about we go into the mountains?”

Merry shook her head.

“I wouldn’t recommend it. There are dragons in the Tenryu Mountain Range... You know what dragons are, right?”

When he heard the word, every hair on Haruhiro’s body stood on end.

“...I’ve got a sense.”

“Hold on, dragons?” Kuzaku frowned. “That sounds dangerous.”

Shihoru’s shoulders slumped.

“There’s nowhere we can go...”

“Let’s head east.”

Haruhiro said that, but immediately thought, Is that really okay? and started to get cold feet.

Besides, was it really his place to decide? He wasn’t up to the task, was he? He didn’t even have his memories. No matter how you looked at it, this was beyond him.

But he hadn’t just said that at random, Haruhiro did have some reasoning for it.

“...I’m not suggesting we just keep on heading east. I think we should shake off our pursuers first. East is our best option for that, isn’t it?”

Setora nodded.

“Then let us make haste.”

The group set off at once. He didn’t know if everyone was fully convinced by the idea. That wasn’t clear, but if they’d dawdled around, their pursuers might have caught them.

The group moved fairly quickly, not stopping to rest at all. Despite that, they still heard the barking of dogs, which might not have come from ahead of them, but wasn’t straight behind them, either. Their pursuers were scattered throughout the forest. They had likely formed teams of one dog and one goblin, and there were ten teams, or perhaps even tens of teams, combing the forest to find them.

The group walked and walked. None of them wasted breath chatting. Merry had said this forest wasn’t that big, but they still weren’t out of the trees by the time the sun was going down. Haruhiro felt like they had walked more than ten kilometers. It had been fifteen kilometers, or maybe even twenty.

The area around them was dark, and the western sky burned red. When Haruhiro stopped and turned to look back, everyone stopped walking. He listened closely. He heard nothing but the tweeting of birds and the rustling of leaves.

“When do you think,” Kuzaku opened his mouth for the first time in a while, “the last time you heard a dog was?”

“Quite some time ago.” Setora answered.

Shihoru’s shoulders were heaving. She looked pretty badly spent.

It grew darker by the moment as they talked. The sun would soon sink below the horizon.

“Let’s rest here for today,” Haruhiro suggested, then smiled at Shihoru.

Shihoru gave him a slightly awkward smile in return.

In terms of setting up camp, all they could do was look for a place where they could lie down. They could make impromptu beds out of leaves and grass, but since they were being pursued, Haruhiro didn’t want to leave any obvious signs they had been here.

Though sunset was approaching, it was still a little bright. They all sat down in a circle.

“Huh? Where’s Kiichi?” Kuzaku asked.

“He just took off somewhere.” Setora sounded unconcerned. “He’ll come back eventually, I assume.”

“Maybe he’ll go get us something,” Kuzaku said with a laugh.

Setora shrugged.

“I’m so blessed.”

After that, they all fell silent. Obviously everyone had to be exhausted after what they’d been through. It was too much effort to search for something to talk about.

Once it was dark enough that you couldn’t see more than a few meters away, the women went off into the bushes to go to the washroom. Once they came back, Haruhiro and Kuzaku went somewhere a little further away to go take a piss themselves.

“You think we pissed together, standing side by side like this, before we lost our memories, Haruhiro?”

“...Who knows? I don’t.”

“Ah! You just thought I’m the kind of guy who says stupid stuff, didn’t you?”

“Maybe a bit, yeah.”

“But this kind of stuff could trigger a memory, you know?”

“Did you remember something?”

“Not at all.”

When they went back to their camp site, there was a pair of gleaming eyes next to Setora.

“Nyaa.” Kiichi welcomed them with a meow.

“It seems I truly am blessed.” Setora’s voice was uncharacteristically cheerful. “Kiichi brought berries. Not many, but enough to tide us over.”

Kuzaku jumped in surprise.

“Seriously?!”

“...He’s a clever little guy, huh?” Haruhiro said, and Kiichi gave a short meow in response.

Setora offered him something, so he took it. It was one of those berries, apparently. He couldn’t tell what color they were in the darkness, but they were about the size of the tip of his thumb, and round. The skin of the fruit had an elasticity to it.

“It’s probably not poisonous,” Setora said, so Haruhiro put the berry in his mouth. He bit into it, breaking the skin, and the moisture spread throughout his mouth along with a sour taste. It was a little sweet, too.

Kuzaku took one of the berries and ate it. “I feel alive again...”

“That’s an exaggeration,” Setora said with a snort.

This wasn’t going to be enough to satisfy their empty stomachs, and though it had assuaged their thirst, that would return, too, in no time. Still, he could understand how Kuzaku felt. Haruhiro felt relieved, too.

He felt like he could go to sleep right away, but he thought, That’s not what I should be doing right now, and reconsidered.

“I’ll stand watch. The rest of you, sleep.”

“...All by yourself?” Shihoru asked.

“Yeah. Does that make you uneasy? Me doing it alone. Yeah. I guess it would, huh...?”

“Th-That’s not it...”

“You need to sleep, too,” Setora said in exasperation. “We can take shifts on watch. It would be a nuisance if you were to collapse from exhaustion on us.”

“You could have worded that better...” Kuzaku said

“Did you want to complain about something?” Setora asked him in return.

“You don’t have to get so scary about every little thing...”

“Coward. You frighten too easily.”

Ultimately, they decided that they would sleep in shifts while they waited for dawn.

“Well, I’ll take the first shift, then. I’ll wake up Kuzaku before I hit my limit.”

“’Kay.” Kuzaku said, then immediately lay down and let out a yawn. “...Yikes. I feel like I could fall asleep instantly...”

“Not me...” Shihoru said, so Haruhiro opted to have her stay awake with him.

Merry and Setora lay down, too. Kiichi curled up next to Setora.

It wasn’t long before Kuzaku was lightly snoring. Merry and Setora didn’t stir at all. Were they already asleep? Or just trying to get to sleep?

Haruhiro looked around the area, but the forest was locked in a darkness so deep it felt suffocating, and it was surprising how little he could see.

There was an owl or something hooting.

As for that chirping sound, was it some sort of insect, maybe?

“It’s kind of scary, huh...?” Shihoru said in a quiet voice.

Haruhiro, weirdly enough, was not frightened, but, “Yeah,” he agreed with her.

Shihoru huddled close to Haruhiro’s right side. He couldn’t see her, but he could sort of tell. It seemed she was trembling slightly.

“You okay?” Haruhiro asked.

“...Yeah.”

She didn’t sound okay, but that was probably the only answer Shihoru could give. Even if she said she wasn’t okay, there wasn’t anything to do about it. He couldn’t do anything. It would be nice if there was some sign of things getting brighter, but the future was as dark as the area around them.

“...Sorry,” Shihoru said.

It must be bothering her, Haruhiro thought, but all he could do was ask her, “What?” He hated how powerless that made him feel.

“I’m just... holding everyone back...”

“No—” Haruhiro started to say, but even if he told her she wasn’t, Shihoru wasn’t going to be able to accept it.

“If only...” Shihoru was having trouble forcing the words out. “...I could remember... how to use magic...”

Haruhiro kept rubbing his nose, touching his lips, scratching his forehead, and then finally he opened his mouth.

“You shouldn’t rush it.”

“...Yeah, you’re right. Even if I do try to rush, I’ve forgotten it....”

There was a whine in Shihoru’s voice.

Honestly, Haruhiro thought, Talking to me about it is not going to help, but maybe that was cold of him. She was his comrade, even if he had forgotten her. He shouldn’t have been thinking that way.

Haruhiro would have wanted to reassure Shihoru, if only he could. But how? He couldn’t think of anything, and he honestly didn’t believe he had the words. That irritated him. He was doing his best to hide that irritation, at least.

Shihoru hugged her knees, grabbing the grass with her left hand, then letting go of it again. Shihoru wanted to do something, too, but she couldn’t, and that must have been frustrating her.

It was probably by accident, or at least Haruhiro thought so, but Shihoru’s left hand touched Haruhiro’s right thigh.

“S-Sorry!” Shihoru yanked her hand back, and she might have been trying to stand up, but something went wrong, and she ended up falling to the ground.

“Urgh...”

“Sh-Shihoru...?”

“I-I can’t take this anymore...” Shihoru said in a vanishingly small voice.

She was crying. It seemed like she’d tried to stifle it, but failed. It was obvious to Haruhiro, who was right next to her, at least. Shihoru was sobbing.

He couldn’t leave her alone, but he had no idea what he could do for her. Haruhiro agonized and agonized over it until, finally, he reached out with his hand. When his fingers brushed up against something soft, he suspected, just maybe, he had touched a spot he absolutely should not touch.

No, that wasn’t it. Judging by their relative positions, her demeanor, and more, this was Shihoru’s arm. It was definitely not, say, her breasts, for instance. He was almost certain this was her left arm. But even if it was her arm, she might be upset that he’d touched her so suddenly. Haruhiro regretted it. He shouldn’t have done it, but it was too late. He couldn’t take it back now.

Shihoru stiffened for a moment, but she didn’t try to brush his hand away. It was too early to assume that meant there was no problem, though. He needed to, at the very least, observe some restraint.

Doing his best not to grab her too hard, he grabbed Shihoru’s arm as gently as he could.

“I don’t think it’ll get any worse.”

Couldn’t he come up with something better than that? Haruhiro couldn’t help but despair at his utter lack of linguistic ability. But despite that, Shihoru nodded. She must have felt sorry for him. Here she was, crying, and yet he went and made her feel sorry for him. He felt terrible about that.

Was Haruhiro better than this before he lost his memories? Whether he was or not, he hoped from the bottom of his heart that he could become a little better in the future.