7. The Present Drifts by Along With the Past
They walked through the night, and by dawn they had arrived at the forest which spread out at the foot of the Tenryu Mountains.
Though this was still the foothills of the Tenryu Mountains, it was more than 50 kilometers from the group’s former camp site, probably 60 kilometers or so.
Everyone was completely exhausted, but not knowing the area, it would have been beyond dangerous to just camp out wherever. First they needed to explore, get a grasp on the terrain, find out if there were any dangerous beasts, and check for potential sources of water. The sun had already risen, so they weren’t going to have an easy time getting to sleep, anyway. It was best if they got the stuff that needed doing done.
They found a river without much effort. Next to the river was a cave, too, but it was infested with bats and covered in guano. If they were going to use it, they would have to drive out the bats and clean up their droppings.
The trees here were denser than they had been near the valley. It was like a jungle. Maybe because this was the basin of the Jet River, the trees and plants seemed especially vibrant here. There was dampness in both the air and the ground.
One time, they caught a glimpse of a large, bipedal lizard-like creature, though only at a distance. Merry said it might be a wild horse-dragon, which was a small species of dragon. Those raised in captivity could apparently carry a person on their back.
In the afternoon, Haruhiro and the others rested a short distance from where they first found the river. There were large, mossy rocks, and a small open space in their shadow. It was both a positive and a negative having a landmark that stood out so much, but they decided to use the rocks as their temporary camping site.
Even as the others sat down on the ground, Haruhiro remained standing. He had a vague feeling that if he sat down now, it would sap his spirit.
Kiichi was on top of a large boulder keeping watch.
No one spoke. Kuzaku and Merry both tried to say something, but shut their mouths before uttering a sound.
They had talked a fair amount while searching, and everyone was acting normal, but they had to be feeling despondent. Even if they weren’t, it wouldn’t be weird for them to feel lost, beaten down, and unmotivated.
Haruhiro had been more or less prepared for it, but the Quickwind Plains were occupied by the enemy.
They had no allies here, or if they did, they were hiding. Just like their group.
That likely meant there wasn’t an allied force large enough to take on the enemies that had occupied Alterna, Deadhead Watching Keep, and Riverside Iron Fortress. Even if the Frontier Army and the volunteer soldiers were alive and well, they were in a situation where, like Haruhiro and his group, they’d had to run and hide to survive.
Well, nothing’s changed.
Haruhiro was about to say that on several occasions, but stopped short every time. Though it was absolutely true, it would not be a particularly effective thing to say.
We have no real hope.
Haruhiro figured that this area was already full of enemies. He didn’t need to say that he didn’t have the faintest belief that maybe, just maybe, there was some hope.
Honestly, he wanted to cut himself off from that.
He wanted to resolve himself. Accept that they were going to have to do this themselves.
The thought was refreshing to Haruhiro. He didn’t even have to fake it or anything.
It was still going to be hard, though.
He wanted to shout, What the hell? Screw this! It’s not fair! Just how terrible of a guy was I? Did I do something to deserve this? Even if I did, it’s just too cruel!
That was only for now. This had to be the worst of it.
If he could just trick himself into continuing on, he’d gradually get used to it. Actually, he already felt a lot better than yesterday.
He guessed that, even if there’s a difference of degree, they were all feeling about the same.
Things were rough right now, but if they could just get through these hard times, they’d be able to manage somehow.
“Let’s eat,” said Haruhiro.
Merry, Setora, and Shihoru looked at Haruhiro as if in a daze. Their responses were dull and weak. Kuzaku didn’t even lift his gaze.
Haruhiro whacked Kuzaku upside the head.
“Food time.”
“...Ow!” Kuzaku pressed a hand to his head and looked up at Haruhiro. “...Huh? Food?”
“Yeah. Let’s eat.”
“...Yeah, sure.”
Even as he thought, How many times do I have to say it? Haruhiro repeated himself.
“Let’s get some food.”
Even without heading out to procure more, they still had some food left over from their former camp in the valley. It was just dried meat and berries, but chewing on something would help get their minds going, and they’d relax better when their stomachs weren’t empty. They might even be able to chat a little, then.
Out of caution, they decided not to light a fire yet. However, they did discuss where it would be best to put up a roof if they were to build a stove, and where they would sleep.
When it came to these things, the planning stage was always the most fun. Sometimes they got overly excited and came up with unrealistic ideas, but if talking about those dreams helped cheer them up, that was good in its own way.
In the evening, Setora said she was getting sleepy and took a late nap along with Kiichi. Kuzaku lay down, too, and was soon snoring.
As it all happened to work out, in the end it was just Haruhiro, Shihoru, and Merry left awake, sitting around in a triangle an equal distance apart.
This was a logical way of sitting, if you wanted to eliminate blindspots. They weren’t close, but weren’t too far apart. It felt like a good distance.
But it felt kind of awkward.
Why? He didn’t know. Was Haruhiro the only one who felt this way?
Apparently not, because Shihoru and Merry were both clearly unable to relax. They weren’t chatty by nature, but even considering that, they were being really quiet.
“Dark,” Haruhiro decided to go for it and try to get the conversation rolling.
Shihoru nodded.
“...Yeah.”
“You did it. Dark. Magic.”
“...Yeah.” Shihoru nodded once more, then smiled. “I did it.”
The corners of Haruhiro’s lips turned up a little, too. He would’ve had a hard time really smiling. Actually, he couldn’t have.
“I’m happy for you. Really. It’s great.”
“Yeah... I’m glad.”
“Your control was perfect, too. Control... Is that the right word? It’s not weird, right?”
“It’s not... weird. I think it fits.”
“Oh, yeah? That’s good.” Haruhiro rubbed his cheek. “Is that overstating it? Saying it’s good.”
Shihoru shook her head.
“If you say it’s good, Haruhiro-kun... That makes me... happy.”
Haruhiro nearly said, Oh, yeah? again, but he swallowed the words and searched for something to say, but failed to come up with anything.
“Yeah,” Merry mumbled.
When he looked over, Merry’s eyes were lowered.
“That’s good,” she said to no one in particular. Her lips were smiling, but she seemed sad, somehow.
What could it be? Haruhiro found it odd, but he didn’t know how to talk to her about it. Eventually Setora, Kiichi, and Kuzaku woke up. The sun was setting.
They all ate one more time before it got too dark out.
“Can I say something indulgent?” Kuzaku asked while chewing on a piece of dried meat.
“No,” Haruhiro said without hesitating.
Kuzaku looked like he was going to cry.
“Whaa...?”
“If I don’t have to listen, you can say all you want,” Setora said, distancing herself from him.
“If you’re not gonna listen, what’s the point...? I just wanted to say, ‘It’d be nice if we could all eat better food together,’ that’s all.”
Haruhiro sighed with an exaggerated shrug of his shoulders.
“You said it anyway.”
“Aw, come on. You were all just messing with me, right?” Kuzaku looked at them. “Am I wrong? You were messing, right? Like it’s obligatory. Huh? You weren’t?”
He turned and looked away. No one responded.
“Huh? Huh?” Kuzaku started to panic. “Was I wrong? Did I misunderstand? Am I annoying, maybe? Do you guys kind of hate me?”
Unable to watch any longer, Shihoru gave him a slight smile.
“...That’s not true.”
“I-I know, right?!” Kuzaku seemed exaggeratedly relieved. “Whew, you had me, there! Teaming up on me like that! Don’t tell me everyone but me’s actually got their memories back already, right?!”
Obviously, that wasn’t the case, but they were able to communicate like they had been together for years. Not always. But there were times, occasionally, when it felt that way.
“Maybe you don’t really need memories,” Merry said all of a sudden. “What’s important isn’t the past, it’s now.”
What made Merry think that?
Unlike Haruhiro and the others, Merry had her memories, which had helped them a lot.
He couldn’t remember them, try as he might, so it was a moot point, but Haruhiro had never once thought he didn’t need his memories.
If Hiyomu or someone else were to show up right now and offer him his stolen memories back unconditionally, he probably wouldn’t have refused. He really wanted them back.
Once the thick curtain of night had fallen, the group took turns on watch and sleeping.
Kuzaku and Setora had already gotten some shut-eye during the evening, so they stood watch with Kiichi, and then woke Haruhiro in the later half of the night.
Merry woke up, too, but Shihoru was sound asleep.
“Why not let her rest a little longer?” Setora said, gesturing to Shihoru with her chin. “Her magic is useful. We need to keep her in a state where she can exert her power if need be.”
“You could have worded that better...” Kuzaku said, turning to Haruhiro with a “Right?” as he looked for agreement.
For his part, Haruhiro wanted to let Shihoru rest, too. Even if they let her be, this was Shihoru, so he felt like she’d wake up on her own. For now, he decided to go on watch with Merry.
It was only a moment before Kuzaku was out like a light. Setora lay down, cuddling Kiichi, too. Not tossing or turning.
Haruhiro tried asking about something that had bothered him.
“Hey, Merry.”
“What?” Merry responded in a calm tone.
But how was he supposed to bring this up?
“No, uh... It’s fine, forget about it.”
Merry chuckled.
“Oh, yeah?”
“It’s not fine, but...” Haruhiro trailed off. “...It’s not not fine.”
“You know, this kind of takes me back.”
“Huh?”
“The way you’re talking. It’s like how you used to, a long time ago.”
“How I used to? ...Oh. You mean before losing my memory?”
“Even before that.” Merry sighed. “...I’m sorry. With things like this, it might have been better to have no memories at all...”
“No, but you do remember. Isn’t it obvious you’d think about how things were before?”
“I’m the only one who knows, though.”
“Hrm...” Haruhiro pulled on his bottom lip several times. “But, I dunno, they’re important memories for you... aren’t they?”
There was a brief pause before Merry responded.
“...Hmm. Well, yes. They’re very important.”
“Then I don’t think you can say you don’t need them. It helps all of us that you remember, too. The fact is, without your memories, I don’t know what would have happened to us.”
“But, you know?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s just...” Merry lowered her voice. “That’s not all there is to it. There’re things I’m not telling you.”
“...There are?”
“Because there are some things I don’t think I need to.”
Such as?
Haruhiro wanted to ask that, but he couldn’t.
If he took it at face value, those things that she didn’t need to tell him meant things that were of low importance.
But was that really the case? It might be that they weren’t unimportant, but there were other reasons she didn’t, or couldn’t, tell him.
Maybe Merry had her own reasons for not wanting to talk about it. She might have been deliberately keeping those things to herself. Haruhiro was curious enough that he couldn’t completely rule out wanting to question her about it. Still, despite his curiosity, he didn’t want to force her.
“Speaking of the past, I know you said I was the leader, but...” Haruhiro said in a cheerful voice. Or at least, what he tried to present as a cheerful voice. “I just can’t believe it. I can’t imagine I’m suited for it. In terms of personality.”
“You might not have been the type that pulls everyone along,” Merry replied casually. “You brought us together in a way that was different from anyone else, a way only you could.”
“Huh? What was that like? Was I so unreliable that everyone else worked harder, or something?”
“I’ve never once thought you were unreliable,” Merry said. “Oh, but,” she added, “don’t misunderstand. I’m not telling you what you should do now, or how I want you to be, Haru.”
Merry was being very considerate of Haruhiro.
Why was she being so nice?
Because they were comrades, of course.
But it’s “Haru,” huh? Haruhiro thought. Merry was the only one to call him that.
Haruhiro was a bit long, so everyone called him Haru. If that was it, there would be nothing noteworthy about it. But that wasn’t it. Everyone but Merry called him Haruhiro, or Haruhiro-kun.
Maybe it was just that Haru was easier to say.
Kuzaku, Setora, and Shihoru were all three syllables, while Haruhiro was four, so she shortened it. That might be all there was to it.
“You have a way of taking things at your own pace. You might not look like it, but you’re stubborn. In a good way.”
“Is there a good way to be stubborn...?”
“When you’re doing something, isn’t it important to have some part of you that doesn’t waver? Without that, you’ll be pulled every which way.”
“Ohh, I get it.”
“I was fixated on the past. I still am now, though...” Merry said. Then, in a quieter voice, “Maybe that’s my personality,” she added.
“On the past,” Haruhiro parroted back to her.
“I could never face forward. You — everyone saved me.”
“I can’t imagine I was much of a forward-looking person myself...”
He wasn’t just trying to hide how he was embarrassed by her praise; he really did think that. Haruhiro didn’t have the cheer that kept Kuzaku from dwelling on things, or the rational mind that let Setora think clearly and avoid being negative.
“Well...” Merry thought for a moment before speaking. “Maybe you weren’t forward-looking. It’s not that you planned all these next steps ahead before pressing forward. You never took your eye off what was in front of you, in the moment.”
“Hrm... So, I was steady?”
“If I had to put a word to it, maybe that’s it?”
“If you told me I was careful, or cautious, or something like that, I’d sort of understand...”
“At the same time, you could be bold, too.”
“Huh? I could?”
“Sometimes, sure,” Merry said with a mischievous smile. “You surprised me a number of times. But any time you did something that surprised me, it was never for you, it was for your comrades. That’s why I... why I felt the way I did about you.”
“Why you felt the way you did...?” Haruhiro echoed.
“I could never thank you enough for what you did for me.”
“Naw...” was all Haruhiro could say.
He didn’t remember doing anything that merited gratitude. No, he literally did not remember.
“Sorry,” Merry apologized. “...Oh, gosh. What am I doing? Here I am, fixating on the past again. Even though it doesn’t mean a thing to the rest of you.”
Haruhiro shook his head. He didn’t think it was meaningless.
But while Merry remembered everything, Haruhiro couldn’t recall a thing about it.
Maybe Merry and Haruhiro had shared some memories. It was possible that they had been important to both of them.
But Haruhiro didn’t remember, and couldn’t seem to call those memories back.
Basically, what Merry was saying was that even if it was meaningful to her, it had no meaning for Haruhiro, and could not realistically be meaningful to him. That gulf between them frustrated her.
On Haruhiro’s end, if anything, he wanted to apologize for forgetting. That would just trouble Merry, though, so he obviously wasn’t going to.
“Um...” Shihoru spoke.
“Ah!” Merry panicked. “Sh-Shihoru, you were awake? S-Since when?”
“Erm... For a while?”
“Were you listening...?”
“J-Just a little...”
“O-Oh... I see. So you were listening... You could have said something.”
Haruhiro put on a vague smile and said, “Yeah.” What was Merry so flustered about? It made no sense to him.
Shihoru got up and crawled over to where they were.
Maybe she couldn’t see, because she ran into Haruhiro.
“Eek...”
“Oh! A-Are you okay?”
“I-I’m fine...” Shihoru said as she sat down next to Haruhiro.
He felt like she was a bit close, but that was probably because it was hard to judge distance in the darkness.
“I’m sorry. I...” Shihoru bowed her head so deeply he could tell even without being able to see her. “...I overslept. You must have tried to wake me up, but I didn’t... Right...?”
“Nah, we never tried to wake you up,” Haruhiro responded.
“Huh...? You didn’t? Why not...?”
“You were sleeping so well that we started talking about just letting you rest. So we did.”
“Yeah,” Merry agreed. “You must have been exhausted...”
Shihoru was silent.
Had they hurt her feelings? She might feel wounded that they were giving her special treatment, or that she wasn’t being seen as an equal.
“We should have woken you up, huh?” Haruhiro tried saying. “We didn’t mean anything bad by it...”
Shihoru shook her head vigorously.
“I never thought that you did... I’m sorry.”
Why was she apologizing?
Well, it wasn’t that Haruhiro didn’t understand. Shihoru was a serious person. She had a low opinion of herself, so she felt emotionally cornered, thinking that she needed to try harder than everyone else.
He wanted to tell her she could take it easy, but even if he did, Shihoru probably wouldn’t be able to relax.
All that Haruhiro could do was respect her wishes, and be ready to support her when the time came. He needed to pay close attention so that he could reach out to her if she looked like she was about to break — no, before it got to that point.
Haruhiro raised his right hand, and reached out to touch Shihoru’s back.
Whoa, there, he thought, and pulled his hand back.
What am I doing? No, I didn’t do it. It was a failed attempt. Thank goodness. It was only an attempt.
She was a girl. He couldn’t just touch her like that. It would be immoral, or inappropriate. Anyway, he couldn’t.
He always found himself wanting to cheer Shihoru on.
Obviously, he didn’t have any ulterior motives for it.
Or so he thought.
Hmm, did he? Haruhiro couldn’t say that he didn’t have the want, the desire to touch women. He might have, a little. Could he say for sure that this wasn’t a manifestation of that?
Once he started thinking about that, he couldn’t say a word.
First Shihoru got all quiet, and now Haruhiro was silent, too. From Merry’s perspective, this probably wasn’t a situation where she could say anything.
The three of them watched the area as they waited for dawn. Their hearts were certainly not at ease. Haruhiro’s wasn’t, at least. But, on the surface, all was quiet.
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