Grimgal of Ashes and Illusion - Volume 18 - Chapter 4

4. Why Do We Repeat Ourselves?

“Hey, Haruhiro!”

The next thing he knew, Ranta was grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him.

“Haruhiro! Haruhiro! Why’re you acting like there’s something wrong with you now too, man?!”

There’s nothing wrong with me. Haruhiro shook his head. Nothing’s gone wrong with me. That’s not it.

You’re wrong.

If anything, there was something wrong with me until just this moment.

Why had he forgotten? That was a mystery to him. There was no way he should’ve been able to forget something like this. In fact, Haruhiro remembered everything. He’d never lost his memories at all. They’d been right there inside Haruhiro’s head all along. If they hadn’t, he couldn’t have just remembered them.

“Haruhirooo!”

“Oh, shut up!” Haruhiro shoved Ranta away.

You’re giving me a headache. You’re too stubborn, man. What the hell? Damn it.

Calm down, Haruhiro told himself. Cool your head.

As if I could calm down, he thought.

It wasn’t just Ranta. Kuzaku, Setora, Yume, and even Merry were all looking at Haruhiro dubiously.

“Hold on...”

Don’t look at me like that.

I’ve been messed up all this time, but I’m finally back to normal. Or at least, I feel like I can finally get back to normal, but you guys are gonna make me go crazy all over again.

“Could you give me a moment...? I need to sort through some things. Just for a bit...”

Haruhiro started walking. He didn’t have anywhere to go. He just didn’t want to be here. This was too close to the Forbidden Tower.

It had all started in this tower.

He’d heard someone’s voice.

“Awaken.”

He remembered that clearly. It was a dark place. Under the Forbidden Tower. Ranta was there, and Yume, and Shihoru. Renji. Ron. Adachi. Sassa. Chibi-chan. And Kikkawa. Then there was Moguzo. Manato too.

His feet led him there without him even thinking about it. Haruhiro came to a stop in front of the off-white stone that marked his comrade’s grave.

“Moguzo...”

Haruhiro reached out toward the gravestone. He wasn’t hoping that if he touched it something might happen. Nothing did. It was just an off-white rock. Nothing but a cold, wet stone.

Haruhiro remembered. Renji and his team had helped them carry Moguzo to the crematorium on the outskirts of the city. Moguzo, always bigger and kinder than anyone else, had turned to bone and ash. They had buried him themselves under this very stone.

Manato’s grave had been within sight of Moguzo’s. Right. It was over there.

Haruhiro walked across the sloping grass. The others followed. He noticed that. But Haruhiro didn’t turn around. What was Merry doing? Was she following him like the rest? He wondered about that. If he cared so much, he should have just checked. It was so simple, and yet he couldn’t do it.

“Oh, yeah...” Haruhiro crouched down in front of Manato’s grave. “That’s right, isn’t it, Manato...?”

When they’d left the Forbidden Tower, the wall had risen up behind them, sealing off the entrance. There had been a lever of some sort inside. That lever. That was what opened and closed the door.

The moon.

After leaving the tower, he’d seen the moon.

A red moon is just weird.

He remembered thinking that.

He didn’t remember anything that happened before he awoke in the basement of the Forbidden Tower. But he felt like, if he just had some kind of lead, he could. It didn’t have to be anything big, just something to start from, and it might be surprisingly easy to recall the rest from there.

The parents he must have had, for instance. His family. Or maybe a friend.

If he could meet someone he used to know again, it might suddenly jog his memories. It didn’t even have to be a person. Maybe a tool he’d used regularly.

Regardless, there was one thing he was absolutely sure of.

He hadn’t always been here.

“Awaken.”

Before he heard that voice and awakened, Haruhiro had been somewhere else.

Not Grimgar.

The moon probably wasn’t red there. What color was it? That, I don’t know. But it wasn’t red. A red moon is just weird.

Haruhiro had gone from Grimgar to other worlds. Through the Wonder Hole to the Dusk Realm. Then through the gremlins’ flats to Darunggar. From there he’d gone through the passage on the fire dragon’s mountain and returned to Grimgar once more at Thousand Valley, where he’d met Setora and parted company with Ranta. Then there was Parano. They’d entered the Leslie Camp, and as a result were forced to spend a long time in that mind-bending other world.

Grimgar.

The Dusk Realm.

Darunggar.

Parano.

There had to be other worlds in addition to these. Many worlds. Countless, perhaps.

Haruhiro had come to Grimgar from one of them.

“I need to sort through all this... I’m confused, Manato...”

When he closed his eyes he could see Manato’s face.

Haruhiro’s memories were still a mess, all jumbled out of order. It had been a long time since Manato died—since Haruhiro got him killed.

I let him die.

It was the same with Merry. Haruhiro had basically let her die. He was the leader, so it was his responsibility.

Ranta had left the party in Thousand Valley. Haruhiro and the others had been traveling east through the southwestern portion of the Kuaron Mountains to avoid wyverns. They were attacked by a colony of guorellas in the mountains, and came across a village as they fled. The villagers weren’t human. They were gumows, a mix between orcs and either humans or elves.

No, there was one human.

Jessie. He had blond hair and blue eyes, and said he was a former hunter.

Right. A hunter. When he learned Yume was a hunter, Jessie revealed he had been one too.

Itsukushima. Yume’s father. The guy currently imprisoned in the basement of Tenboro Tower. Haruhiro remembered Jessie saying his name. He’d asked Yume, “Are you Itsukushima’s apprentice?”

Jessie was a hunter.

But he could use magic too.

That wasn’t a contradiction. It wouldn’t be strange if an ex-hunter became a mage.

Jessie Land.

That was the place where Merry died. She was completely bereft of life. And yet, Jessie said there was a way.

“She can come back to life, like me, who already died once.”

“But there is a price to pay.”

“She’ll be coming back in my place.”

“You people aren’t stupid, so you understand, right?”

“This isn’t normal.”

“It’s common sense that people can’t come back to life, and that’s a fact.”

Haruhiro dropped to his knees. If he didn’t put his hands on his thighs for support, he was going to fall over.

Jessie was a mystery, and not a man to be trusted. But it hadn’t seemed like he was trying to deceive them.

Manato and Moguzo had taught them something. People die. Lives can be lost. Every life ends in death.

That was why, as Jessie had explained it, Merry’s revival was a special occurrence, and it came with unique conditions. It was no miracle. Like with a magician’s tricks, no matter how mysterious it seemed, there was a proper explanation behind it. But Jessie said he couldn’t spoil the trick. Merry would come back to life in his place. He couldn’t tell them any more than that.

Haruhiro and the party had the right to choose.

No, Haruhiro did.

Haruhiro had made the call himself, without consulting anyone.

He couldn’t bear it. Merry, becoming no more than a memory, like Manato or Moguzo. The pain he’d feel as he looked back on the time they’d spent together. He didn’t want that. This was no joke. Of course he didn’t want it. If he’d had the option, Haruhiro would have made the same choice for Manato or Moguzo. If he could get away with not having to accept the death of someone close to him, accept losing them forever, nothing could be better.

No matter how repulsive the act, it was better than having to bury Merry. He’d learned that well enough the first time. And yet, he’d been unable to avoid going through it twice. He didn’t want to feel that way a third time. He’d had enough.

But what was that? What did Jessie do?

The wound in Merry’s shoulder had been pretty deep. Jessie had slit his own left wrist and pressed it against Merry’s injury. He’d stayed like that for a long time. Eventually, all that was left of Jessie was a husk of skin, no bones. As if Jessie had poured everything that had been inside him into Merry.

When Merry woke, some foul-smelling liquid, not blood but something else, gushed from her mouth, nose, and ears.

If the same amount came out as went in, then the volume was unchanged.

Whatever had been filling Jessie moved inside Merry. If nothing had been displaced by it, there would be no balance. No matter how you looked at it, that wouldn’t have made sense.

Basically, whatever was supposed to happen happened, and Merry came back to life.

Was that how Haruhiro had interpreted it at the time? Or rather, was it the only way he could have interpreted it? Had he stopped thinking because any explanation was going to feel forced? He might have.

“That was the start of it...”

Haruhiro looked up. He’d never been so aware of the weight of his own head as he was now. He turned his gaze to the right, where his comrades were.

Ranta shifted his mask aside, frowning at Haruhiro. Kuzaku looked worried, or maybe just bewildered. Yume was putting a supporting hand on Merry’s back as Merry hung her head.

Setora had her arms crossed and her chin up, her silent gaze fixed on Haruhiro.

“The dead don’t come back.”

That was what Setora had said to him that day. Even if Merry started breathing again, it wouldn’t be the sort of revival he was hoping for.

Merry.

I thought it would be all right.

Did I try to believe because I wanted to think it would be?

“The woman who comes back may be a different person from the one who died.”

Setora had been persuasive. She was a necromancer from the Hidden Village, after all. The necromancers had given birth to the golem in their attempts to bring back the dead. They had tried to overcome death through repeated trial and error, but were never able to reach that goal. Using the parts of dead bodies as material, they’d created terrifyingly loyal servants. That was the best they could do.

“I hope she’s not some unknown monster, at least.”

She’s not.

When she came back, Merry was still Merry. Not some monster.

Absolutely not.

“She’s not... Right...?”

But that was the start of it.

Merry was unquestionably Merry. But there were some things that were strange.

Jessie Land had been attacked by a pack of vooloos, wolf-like creatures the size of bears. The team had made it through that somehow. The problem was what happened next.

There was a rumbling, like an earthquake, and a hill came at them. Obviously, that wasn’t what actually happened. It wasn’t really a hill. It was a mass of giant black caterpillar-like creatures.

Was that a natural phenomenon? Was that just the kind of creatures they were? Whatever the case, Haruhiro had never seen or heard of anything like them.

But Merry knew what the mass was.

He felt like she had called it Sekaishu.

Then there was the magic too. Right. Merry had used magic. An Arve Magic spell called Blaze Cliff. But she said it wouldn’t be enough to eliminate the Sekaishu.

It was probably Setora who asked the question. “What is Sekaishu?”

“I don’t know,” Merry had answered. It was a word she’d said herself, yet she claimed not to know.

Merry shouldn’t have been able to use Arve Magic, but she had. Blaze Cliff. Strangely, the former hunter Jessie had shown them the same spell. Strangely?

Was it really a coincidence?

Leaving Jessie Land, they’d headed for the sea. It was on the way there that he’d had a chance to talk with Merry alone.

“There must be something wrong with me. I’m making everyone worry. I know that.”

Merry understood something was wrong inside her. That she must have changed. If she was messed up, she said, she wanted him to tell her. She also said she wanted him to stop her.

“—I’m here. And yet I don’t know. It’s not always, but there are times I just don’t know. The wind is strong, and I feel like I’m going to be blown away. Where am I? Someone tell me. I—”

When they came back from Parano, the master of the Forbidden Tower probably gave Haruhiro and the others a drug of some sort to make them lose their memories. Haruhiro had forgotten all this until just now.

For some reason, it was different for Merry. She said she didn’t really know what happened in Parano. Everything else, she remembered. Merry was different from the rest of them.

Haruhiro put a hand on the ground for leverage, and stood up.

The rain was closer to sleet now. It was pretty cold. Feeling a chill, Haruhiro shuddered.

Let’s go home. Not that I know where home is. For now, anywhere that gets us out of the wind and rain will do.

“Merry.”

He called her name, but she didn’t raise her eyes. She was pressing herself against Yume, looking frightened. Who was she afraid of? What intimidated her? Was she looking to Yume for protection? Yume will defend me. Maybe that’s what she was thinking.

Would Merry really think that? If she was the Merry that Haruhiro knew? Besides, why wasn’t she answering him? Haruhiro had called her name. Would it kill her to say something in response? Or did she have some reason she couldn’t?

“Are you Jessie?”

When Haruhiro asked that, she shuddered, still hanging her head. She made no attempt to look up.

Her shoulders rose and fell as she took a breath. The motion repeated, again and again.

“Merry-chan...?” Yume asked, leaning in to look closer at her face. Still, the woman did not respond.

Her breathing grew faster, shallower, with each breath. Yume tried to rub her back, but she brushed Yume’s hand aside. Then she went further and pushed Yume’s entire body away from her.

“Wha—” Ranta instinctively put himself between Yume and the woman.

“N-No...! No...!”

The woman shook her head, making a mess of her hair.

“Ahhhh!”

Her voice was almost a scream. No, it was a scream.

“Ngahhhh!”

Was she hurting somewhere? Was she in pain? The woman was squirming.

“No...! No, no, no, no, no, no...! I’m...!”

If she was suffering, it was because of Haruhiro. The woman was Merry. She looked just like her, after all. And nobody else. And yet, what had Haruhiro called her?

He’d called her Jessie.

Was he trying to say that she was that mysterious man? She couldn’t be.

“Merry! I’m sorry, Merry!”

That day, when the two of them talked. That night, when she revealed her insecurities to him. Haruhiro had held Merry tight. Merry hadn’t rejected him. What was it she’d said?

“I’ve always wanted you to do this.”

He remembered. That was what Merry had said to him.

That had been Merry. And this woman here now, writhing in front of them, was also Merry. Merry hadn’t been looking for Yume to defend her. Merry realized something was wrong with her, but she couldn’t do anything about it herself, so she’d clung to Yume without meaning to. Basically, the same as that night. Merry trusted Haruhiro and Yume as comrades. That was why Merry had relied on them. And what had he gone and said to her?

Haruhiro tried to rush to Merry’s side. That was when it happened.

Merry’s gaze was wrenched up toward the heavens. It was such a sudden jerking motion that you could almost hear it. Instantly, her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Her mouth fell open and a groan escaped it. This wasn’t something happening of her own will. No, it looked more like some external force was doing it to her. Not that someone had grabbed Merry’s head and pulled it back. There was nothing like that happening.

“Merry...?”

“No.”

That was Merry’s voice. At least that part was the same.

But she was different.

“He’s not here.” Her chin still raised, only Merry’s eyes moved to look down at Haruhiro. “To be more precise, he’s lost the ability to perceive himself. As such, he can no longer come out.”

Jessie? Was the “he” she was talking about Jessie? Haruhiro had brought it up. He’d suggested that while she looked like Merry, she might really be Jessie. Merry had denied it. No, that wasn’t quite right.

She wasn’t Merry.

She no longer had any intention of hiding that she wasn’t. Everything, the way she spoke, the way she stood, the way she moved, it was all different from Merry. Anyone who knew her even a little could tell the difference. That was how big the gap was.

“I think this goes without saying, but...” the woman said, “it’s wrong of you to blame her for this. She is not the one who made the decision.”

Her. She.

“Try saying it in a way we can understand...” Ranta had Yume back away, also taking a half-step back himself. “What’re you even talking about?”

She glanced at Ranta. Inclining her head slightly, as if nodding, she directed a distinctive gaze toward him. It wasn’t a gesture Merry would ever have used.

“I am saying she is not responsible for this in the slightest. It was not she herself who roused her from the fate of those who die. Nor was it I who chose her.”

“The fate of...those who die?” Ranta bit his lip. “You’re telling me she bit the big one? Merry...died? But she’s alive... Or am I wrong? You’re not Merry, are you? So, what’s going on is, there’s...something else inside Merry—you, the one that’s talking to us right now... Is that it...?”

“You should show her compassion.”

This thing that was clearly not Merry spoke of her in the third person, using Merry’s face and voice.

“You should not oppress her, hurt her, or force her into isolation. Because none of this is her fault. As things stand, she still has her memories, her will, the things that make up her personal identity. However, you would do well not to assume those will continue to exist indefinitely regardless of the conditions she is placed in. From what I have observed, the sense of self possessed by creatures of your kind, despite some individual variance, is not particularly stable. In fact, it is incredibly fragile and prone to collapsing.”

“Like I asked!” Ranta shouted at her. “What the hell are you, the one that’s rambling on at us?! Before you go on talking like you’re better than us, give us your damn name!”

“I have no name.”

“Don’t try to dodge the question!”

“No.” Not-Merry shook her head gently. “I have no name. Only a thing I am called.”

“Then tell us what that is!”

“I am that which frees the dying from—” Not-Merry began to say, then seemed to stumble a little, as if feeling faint. She held her head and lowered her eyes. “It seems she wants to come out... She is not yet ready to accept it...”

Before she even finished speaking, Not-Merry began to change. Haruhiro could tell. She let out an audible gulp. Her eyes opened and she stared into space.

“Merry...?”

When he called her name, she looked at Haruhiro, then immediately away. She hunched over, clutching the base of her neck with both hands and taking shallow breaths.

“Merry-chan...” Yume tried to approach her.

“Stay away!” she screamed.

It’s Merry. Haruhiro was sure of it.

“Stay away from me... Please...”

Merry’s back.

Merry had died once, and now she had someone inside who wasn’t her. Perhaps multiple someones. Merry was inside Merry too. But the one rejecting Haruhiro and the others wasn’t one of those Not-Merrys, it was Merry herself.