Chapter 3
A Goddess’s Mercy for This Pious Believer!
1
It was earlier than what you would call afternoon but too late for what you would call morning. I guess what I’m saying is, it was around lunchtime. I fought back a yawn, my hair still scruffy from bed, as I headed down to the living room, where everyone was setting out lunch.
“Morning, guys. What’s for breakfast today? I had all kinds of weird stuff at the castle. I’d like to avoid miso soup for a while.”
Darkness responded to my demand for food with a suspicious look. “You got your memory back, right? Then you should remember those letters from the children that we read at the castle. So what are you doing up so late? You’ve missed breakfast; it’s time for lunch, and lucky you: It’s lobster today. I happened to like the ‘mini lobster’ dish from the Crimson Magic Clan that Megumin made when we went to Elroad. I got the ingredients and begged her to make it.”
Darkness sounded downright delighted, but when I glanced over at Megumin, she immediately looked away. I guess she never imagined a pampered daughter of the nobility would fall in love with crawfish. She was so embarrassed, she couldn’t even look at me. You just knew that someday Darkness was going to be at a party full of nobles and would start talking about how delicious this dish of tiny lobsters was.
I thought the polite thing to do might have been to get out ahead of that mistake, but when I saw Darkness happily carving up the fried crawfish, I didn’t have the heart to tell her.
“W-well, hey, she’s not wrong. It was tasty. But tell me, what are you going to do today? I mean. . . Are you really going to the Guild?”
Getting my memories back meant that, unfortunately, I also remembered things with Iris in the castle after Darkness and the others had left. Yes, I remembered Iris saying how much she loved her big brother. If it hadn’t been for that, I would probably still have been all fired up about the letters from those kids. . .
“Can’t say I really care,” Aqua added. “I feel like I sort of. . .calmed down without you here. But I guess if you’re that eager to go on a quest, I could be convinced to go with you.”
“Hey, I don’t really care, either. But if you’re eager to go on a quest, I could be convinced to go with you,” I said.
Aqua was probably feeling the same way I was, her passion cooled from waiting too long. Darkness watched us trying to foist responsibility on each other, her cheek twitching. Finally, she slammed her fork down on the table. “Didn’t you guys feel anything reading those letters?! Kazuma, you’re these kids’ idol! Don’t you want to set a good example for them?”
“I’m not saying I don’t understand why someone would idolize me. It’s just that since coming home, I’ve had a lot of time to think. And a cooler head tells me I don’t have to go putting myself in the path of dangerous monsters to get experience. I only need to eat some nice, expensive food to raise my level. No need to risk my life. . .”
Darkness shook her head as if to say This man is hopeless and turned to Aqua. “Come on, Aqua—you like kids, right? I see you playing with the neighborhood children all the time. And you keep claiming to be a goddess. You even said it at the castle! So isn’t it your job to deal with the Demon King?” She sounded like she was talking to a stubborn child, but Aqua went on the alert when Darkness brought up the goddess thing.
“Yeah, I’m Aqua, the goddess of water. . .but I’ve never known you to believe me when I said it. Do you really think I’m a goddess? If you really believe me, then I, your long-term housemate, should be more important to you than Eris, right? You’ll convert to the Axis faith, right?” I guess her recent experiences with me had made her more suspicious.
Darkness must have been expecting Aqua to simply roll over when she called her a goddess; she looked a little cowed by this unexpected pushback. “. . .W-well, my family and I have long been in the service of this nation, and our public position would never allow us to convert away from the Eris Church. . . I think. . .”
“You liar, I knew you didn’t believe in me! Come on, Darkness—I really am the goddess of water! Don’t you ever wonder about me?! What normal person can hold their breath underwater forever or change liquids to pure water just by touching them?!”
Aqua grabbed Darkness by the shirt; the Crusader’s eyes began to brim. “Yeah. . . That. . . I know you have to have crazy-high faith to be an Arch-priest, especially of the Axis sect, and I heard that gives you power. I thought maybe it wasn’t that surprising if a follower of the water goddess could purify liquids or breathe underwater. . .”
“Apologize! Say you’re sorry for talking about my precious children like they’re inhuman freaks! . . .Besides, those letters you showed us only said nice things about Kazuma. I think it’s about time people started giving the Axis Church its due. Specifically, I think I deserve some fan letters by now.”
Darkness’s eyes glittered.
“R-right, that’s perfect! I can get some of those, too! Wait right—”
“. . .Hey,” I said, unable to ignore what I’d just heard. “What was that?”
Darkness slapped a hand over her mouth, but it was too late to take it back.
“Did you say, ‘I can get some of those, too’? . . .I see it now, Darkness—you asked the kids to write those letters. Didn’t you?”
Darkness smacked the table again and stood up. “So what if I did?! Yes, I paid children to write those letters! But what else was I supposed to do?! You sure weren’t going to come home on your own!”
She wasn’t going to back down.
I stood up, too. “What’s with the attitude? Those are the first fan letters I ever got! I’ve treasured them!”
“G-gee, were you that happy about them? Now I feel kind of bad. . .”
Maybe she did, too, because Darkness trailed off. I couldn’t stand the way she kept acting more and more like a noble. . .!
“You used to be such a straight-and-narrow idiot that you wouldn’t even mention your family’s name to people—and now you’re creeping around paying kids to write letters? It’s bad enough that you started throwing your weight around, but this. . .!”
I remembered how hard Darkness had worked to hide her family origins from us. But now that she had learned how to use her money and power, it suddenly seemed like she wasn’t embarrassed at all to do it. Did that count as personal growth?
“J-just whose fault is that? This is all because of your bad influence! You’re the one who corrupted me!”
Aqua and I both went on the assault against the defiant Darkness.
“Somehow this is all my fault?!” I said. “Don’t try to pin this on me, lady—I found what was there all along!”
“Say you’re sorry!” Aqua added. “I was so moved when I read those letters! You need to apologize, not just to Kazuma but to me!”
“More important than any of that is that we all eat before the food gets cold. I worked very hard to make it.”
And somewhere in the middle of our collective descent into chaos, there was a knock on the door. I rushed to answer it, tired of trying to deal with Darkness.
“Come back here, Kazuma! We’re not done talking!”
“Leave me alone, you twisted freak! Shut up and eat your crawfish!”
The word crawfish confused Darkness, but it gave me time to unlock the front door.
“H-h-hello!”
“Is Magu—?! Er, is M-Megumin in?”
I found, standing there, three members of the Crimson Magic Clan. Two of them were girls who looked vaguely familiar. The other, holding their hands, was Megumin’s little sister.
2
“Here, tea.”
“Th-thanks.”
“Thank you very much!”
We sat the girls on the sofa in the living room, and Aqua brought out tea for them. Now I was sure: We’d met them back in Crimson Magic Village. I think their names were. . .
“So, Funikura, Doronko, what brings you here so suddenly, and accompanying my little sister?”
“You could at least remember a person’s name! I’m Funifura!”
“And it’s Dodonko, not Doronko! Are you upset that I almost called you Magumin earlier? I swear I just bit my tongue!”
Megumin’s comment brought it all back to me. As I recalled, these two had had something to do with Yunyun and Megumin back in the village.
“There you have it,” Megumin said. “This is Funifura and Dodonko. Highly average, not at all distinguished members of the Crimson Magic Clan, but I suppose you could be so kind as to remember their names.”
They weren’t pleased by Megumin’s half-baked introduction.
“‘Highly average’? ‘Be so kind’?!”
“I know people think we’re interchangeable or that we don’t stand out. But what about you, Megumin? You stood out for all the wrong reasons!”
While Megumin and I entertained Funifura and Dodonko, Aqua and Darkness were busy with Komekko.
“Here, eat up. Don’t worry—we have lots. Take your time.”
“Komekko, I’ll give you some snacks later. So you d-don’t have to wolf it down so fast; I’m scared watching you.”
She must have been hungry, because she had stuffed enough food in her mouth to make her cheeks bulge. They were worried she might choke.
Funifura (the assertive-looking one with the pigtails), sounding nervous at being in an unfamiliar house, said, “So, Megumin, it’s been a while. Dodonko and I brought your kid sister here because things had gotten so bad for her.” She glanced uneasily at Komekko.
“Yeah, things, or. . .specifically, your house,” Dodonko (the one with the ponytail) added. “We were afraid she might end up homeless. We’d heard you and Yunyun made it to Axel, so we brought her here, kind of like her bodyguards.” She looked pretty proud of herself, but I said:
“How have things gotten bad? What happened to Megumin’s house? I think I talked to the two of you for a bit back in the village, right?”
Both of them twitched a little; I guess they were uneasy talking to guys. “You’re Megumin’s boyfriend, right?” Funifura ventured. “Um, so you’re living with Megumin? To be fair, it’s not just her house. The whole village is in bad shape.”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s. . . Well, it’s not easy to talk about, but. . .”
Neither of them could quite bring themselves to explain what was happening; Megumin cast a questioning look toward Komekko.
Noticing her sister’s attention, Komekko swallowed the food in her mouth and said:
“Our house went poof, and now it’s gone!”
No context, no explanation. Megumin froze. “Poof? What does it mean to go poof? I must ask you to be more descriptive.”
Funifura and Dodonko looked at each other as if unsure who should give her the news. After a moment of hesitation, Dodonko said, “The Demon King’s daughter led an army to attack Crimson Magic Village.”
Suddenly, Megumin was all seriousness. “The Demon King’s daughter. . . I see, so the village’s secret has finally come to light.”
Crimson Magic Village’s. . .secret? Like, the fact that the village was actually built on the remains of a technologically advanced nation from long ago and was populated by artificially augmented people—that secret? Was that why the Demon King’s army had attacked? But the nation that had produced the Crimson Magic Clan was long gone. What good would attacking do now?
Megumin mistook my look of concern for worry about her people. “Kazuma, you needn’t look so troubled. A great many people in the village can use Teleport; this would not be enough to destroy them. And even if the entire village was burned down, it would be simple enough to repair it with magic.”
“True. I’m a little worried about your mom and dad. But I’m more curious what this big secret is. You guys have a habit of filching sealed gods from elsewhere to use as tourist attractions and collecting other dangerous stuff, right? You even had a weapon lying around that you thought might destroy the world. So I was just wondering what the Demon King’s daughter would be after.”
Frankly, by this point, I wouldn’t be surprised no matter what they turned out to be hiding. I wished they would come out and tell me already.
“I see. Yes, I suppose it would be best if you knew.” Maybe Megumin understood what I was thinking. She turned and looked at me seriously. “As a matter of fact, one of the many famous tourist destinations in Crimson Magic Village is an observatory from which the Demon King’s castle can be seen.”
An observatory?
“She’s right,” Funifura added, looking just as grim as Megumin. “On top of a mountain near the village, there is a powerful magical item. Some even say it can see all things.”
Dodonko provided the conclusion: “Our people use the item to keep a constant watch on the Demon King and his castle. I guess his daughter must have found out what was happening. . .”
I supposed I could understand how the Demon King’s army would find an observatory less than amusing. Information could mean the difference between victory and defeat in war. The Demon King’s daughter would obviously want to take out anything that let an enemy spy on them. . .
“We never imagined she would discover the secret,” Funifura said. “The whole attraction of that observatory is that (they say) you can see directly into the bedroom of the Demon King’s daughter anytime.”
“Yeah,” Dodonko agreed. “The Demon King’s intelligence network is nothing to sneeze at.”
“What did you just say?” I demanded.
“They are correct,” Megumin confirmed. “That building is crucial to us; it brings in considerable money as a tourist attraction. When it is not in use, it serves as a source of comfort for the village NEETs. To think of it now gone. . .”
“Well, of course she would want to take that out. There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you guys for a while now—why’s the Demon King so fixated on destroying humanity? Is this whole endless war because of you and the Axis Church?” The three Crimson Magickers looked away from me. “Hey, you do know, don’t you?”
“M-my goodness, Kazuma, you needn’t try to pin everything on us. . . All we do is have that picnic once every four years or so. . .”
Aqua, who was busy giving Komekko some post-meal snacks, looked up curiously at Megumin. “Picnic?”
Funifura explained, “Everyone in the village who can use Teleport gets together once every four years and has a picnic right by the Demon King’s castle. They have a nice barbecue; then they all cut loose with their magic against the barriers surrounding the castle. When the Demon King’s army comes out, they teleport back home.”
“You guys are bad news—stop with the childish pranks already! . . .But okay, I think I understand the situation. Thanks for bringing Komekko here. We can just keep her with us at the house, right?”
Funifura and Dodonko shared a sigh of relief at that. “That would be great. We couldn’t think of anywhere else to take her. Us, we have something we need to do now.”
“Yeah, Crimson Magic Clansfolk never back down from a fight.”
This sounded like trouble. The two of them stood up, and even Megumin looked ready to leap into the fray. “Then the first thing we must do is find out where the Demon King’s daughter is now! Leave it to me—I’ll throw the first punch! Funifura, Dodonko, let us go!”
“How could you help us?! The Demon King’s daughter is still in the village. We’re going to link up with the rest of the clan and start a guerrilla war against her. Explosion isn’t going to do anyone any good, which means you’re not going to do anyone any good.”
Funifura’s assessment caused Megumin’s eyebrow to twitch.
“She’s right. We know Advanced Magic now, so they asked us to join the fight. You just sit here and suck your thumb and wait for us to get the job done.”
Dodonko’s little addendum caused Megumin’s eyes to flash red.
“Say, we heard Yunyun was around here—do you know where she is? They want her to join the battle, but we can’t find her anywhere.”
“Yeah, she wrote us a letter saying she’d made some friends in town recently, and we thought we might see who they were. We wrote to her that we would be here today, but. . .”
By “friends,” maybe Yunyun meant the masked demon and the street punk with whom I’d seen her recently. If they couldn’t find her, it probably meant that despite her bragging about finally having friends, she wasn’t eager for the likes of Funifura and Dodonko, of all people, to meet them. She was probably running all over town keeping out of sight.
“H-hey, that reminds me. Megumin, I’ve been wanting to ask you. . .” Funifura looked like she needed to be sure to get this off her chest before she went into battle with the Demon King’s daughter. “Yunyun wrote to us that at least one of the friends she made here in Axel was a guy. But. . .she doesn’t actually have any friends, does she? She’s just putting on for us, isn’t she?”
“Y-yeah, I want to know, too. I mean, I can’t imagine Yunyun making friends besides us! Especially not. . .guy friends! It’s one thing for you to get ahead of us, but even her. . .?”
As evenly as could be, Megumin answered, “I must assume that any male friends she mentions would include, first, Kazuma here. And perhaps. . .maybe Vanir, who is said to be popular among the neighborhood women. And perhaps the golden-haired adventurer whom you would have to be living under a rock not to know around here, Dust.”
Funifura’s and Dodonko’s faces got sicker and sicker as Megumin counted off the possibilities on her fingers.
“Ha. . . Ha-ha! G-gee, not bad. I guess there are a lot more people here than in Crimson Magic Village! We shouldn’t be surprised if she found one or two other weirdos to keep her company!”
Funifura was desperate to spin this situation; Dodonko piled on, too. “Y-y-yeah, that’s right! And what about you, Megumin—you and your guy? You told us a lot of stories when you were at the village, but after you left, we started to think it sounded pretty fishy. You never talk about romance like that. Tell us the truth—all this stuff about bathing together and cuddling in bed—it was all basically by accident, right?”
But this was a bad time for those questions. Aqua and Darkness had taken Komekko, who had just finished dessert, into the kitchen to brush her teeth. Only the four of us were left in the living room. Meaning. . .
“Me and my. . .? I. . .” Megumin looked over at me, went red, and fell silent, staring at the ground. That was weird. She wasn’t usually this modest.
“You’re kidding. . . Th-this is some kind of joke, right? That girlish reaction. . .!”
“No. . . No, I don’t want to lose to you, Megumin. . . Not when love was always the furthest thing from your mind, the last thing you were interested in. . .!”
The girls had gone as pale as if they had seen the end of the world, but Megumin merely gave an embarrassed scratch of her cheek. And then, a bit awkwardly, she said, “Please don’t tell my parents yet.”
“Ahhhhhhhh, you haven’t—!”
“—beaten uuuuuussssss!”
I watched the two girls run away crying. Megumin gave a satisfied sniff.
Funifura and Dodonko might have been gone, but they had left us Komekko to look after, so we went into town to grab everything a little girl might need. Then we settled back at home.
Aqua practically threw herself onto “her” spot on the sofa the moment she came in. In her arms was Chomusuke, struggling to get loose. We hadn’t seen much of her, busy as we’d been with traveling and living at the castle and so on.
“Now, then,” Megumin said. “Komekko, you can sleep with me in my room. It’s been a while since we saw each other, and I’m sure you’ve been lonely—we can sleep together again at long last.”
“You get lonely so easily, Sis!”
“K-Komekko!”
Komekko dispensed this burn almost disinterestedly, fixing an intense stare on Chomusuke where she flailed in Aqua’s arms. “Looks tasty.”
“Komekko, we have plenty of food in this house, so you must not eat either Chomusuke or Emperor Zel, who lives in the chicken coop!” Megumin sounded vaguely anxious.
Komekko wiped the drool from her mouth and nodded. “Yeah. We can’t eat them till they fatten up.”
“No, Komekko, we aren’t going to eat them at all! They’re our pets!”
Aqua held Chomusuke protectively and drew back a little in the face of Komekko’s bald ruthlessness.
“Well, since you’ve come all this way, Komekko, how about a welcome party? Your big bro’ll make you all kinds of delicious stuff.”
“You’re so cool, Big Bro!” Komekko exclaimed with innocent joy. Then she produced what looked like a notepad and started writing something down.
“What are you writing there?” Megumin asked, coming over. “‘Month Such-and-Such, Day So-and-So. Sis’s man hand-fed me. Guess he likes me better than her now. . .’ Komekko! Where are you learning words like this?!” Megumin was awfully excited.
“Bukkororii.”
“That worthless NEET! Are there no good NEETs in the world at all?!”
That kind of touched a nerve—even though I guess, as an adventurer, I wasn’t a NEET, so she wasn’t technically talking about me.
“Anyway, what is this?” Megumin went on. “A diary?”
“Mom told me to write everything that happens between Sis and her man in this book.”
So she was a spy in the house of Kazuma!
3
I got plenty of sleep the next day, by which I mean I got up around noon, and then I went downstairs for some breakfast/lunch.
“Sis, more!”
“Komekko, you can eat your fill anytime while you’re in this house. So there’s no need to gorge yourself at every meal, all right?”
I came down to discover Komekko jumping exuberantly as if hoping to free up some space in her stomach and Megumin giving her a worried look.
And then there were. . .
“Hey, Darkness, lunch tastes a little salty today. . .”
“Sniff. . . I can’t see through the tears. . .”
. . .two women looking at Komekko and weeping copiously. I guess the sight of this poor, deprived child was more than they could bear.
“But I never get to eat this much!”
“That may be true, but as your older sister, I’m somewhat embarrassed. Look, there’s pudding for dessert.”
“Yippee!”
After a moment of fretting, Aqua slid her own plate of pudding toward Komekko. I could never have imagined this from someone who made such a big deal of being a gourmand.
“Your big sister is full already,” Aqua said. “Maybe you can finish this for me.”
“Can I? Pudding is a really fancy, really expensive dessert that I only ever get on my birthday—are you sure you aren’t going to eat it?” Despite her question, Komekko didn’t take her eyes off Aqua’s pudding. Darkness and Megumin, unable to sit idly by, both slid their desserts toward Komekko, too.
“Komekko, our adventuring party is now one of the most famous in the nation. Money is no object for us, so you needn’t worry. I will treat you to a washbasin’s worth of pudding tomorrow, so for today, just say thank you to everyone and eat your dessert.”
“Thank you.” Komekko held the pudding carefully as if it were a priceless treasure and bowed deeply, causing Aqua to wipe at her eyes again.
That was when Megumin noticed me watching this touching scene. “Oh, so you are awake. Want something to eat, Kazuma?”
“Yeah, please. . . Hey, Megumin, if you needed money, you’d let me know, right? I’ve been keeping the majority of your quest rewards like you asked. I know you only accept enough for food, small expenses, and some pocket change each month. I have everything you’ve earned set aside, okay?”
Megumin showed a pretty minimal desire for money. Sometimes she would squawk about a nice robe or an awesome item she’d seen, but the most expensive thing she owned was the staff she’d bought with the reward from our long-ago cabbage hunt. Heck, when I’d seen Megumin’s wallet the other day, bursting with coupons, I’d experienced a sort of indescribable emotion.
“I appreciate that,” she said. “But it is all right; even on my small stipend, I am able to send something home each month. More to the point, if I sent more than I do, I know my father would only blow it making magical items.”
“That guy is surprisingly shiftless,” I said, getting my belated lunch.
“Sis! Now that your man is finally up, are you going to go to the Adventurers Guild today?”
“Ko—! Komekko! You must stop this ‘your man’ business!”
Aqua was watching the jabbering sisters with a fond smile, sipping her after-lunch tea, but then she said, “I see—would you like to go to the Adventurers Guild, sweetheart? If you’re interested, who better to go with you than your very well-known ‘big sister’?”
“Good point,” Darkness said. “The whole reason we came back here was supposedly to revisit the basics and accept some quests. Let’s take Komekko on a tour, and while we’re there, we can see if there are any good quests. But, Komekko, why do you want to go to the Guild? You know it’s not a playground, right?”
Komekko turned to the two women, whom she evidently had wrapped around her little finger, and said: “I wanna go to the Adventurers Guild and see Sis being awesome.” As a reason to go, it didn’t make a lot of sense. It caused Megumin to flinch, though.
“Sis told me in all her letters—she said how everyone at the Adventurers Guild loves her and how the moment she gets there, everyone starts bowing to her and being real polite.”
Now, this I had to know more about. In the ensuing silence, I let a single word drop:
“Hey.”
Megumin flinched even harder. “Komekko, I think you should go play outside for a bit! Emperor Zel is in the chicken coop there. And it’s been so long since you and Chomusuke had fun together—take her and go feed the emperor together!”
“Okay! We’ll fatten him right up!”
Megumin’s expression was pinched, and she showed no hesitation in sacrificing Chomusuke, who had been doing her best impression of a sunflower on the windowsill. But she got Komekko out of there.
Megumin was being very careful not to look at me, so I repeated myself. “. . .Hey.”
“It’s not true!” She turned, immediately assumed a formal sitting position, and began with a denial. I didn’t know exactly what wasn’t true, but if she wanted to try to make excuses, I figured I would hear her out. Once we were all sitting down, Megumin got a far-off look in her eye, like she was thinking about the past, and started in. “Please listen to me, for there are complicated circumstances at work here. . . Yes, it happened when I was still in Crimson Magic Village. . .”
And then she told us the story.
“That’s not complicated at all.”
All that had happened was that she had exaggerated a little in her letters to her family. Partly, she had wanted to reassure her mom and dad, who had been worried about whether she could make her way in the world. Come to think of it, when we’d visited Crimson Magic Village, I seemed to remember her parents being given to exaggeration themselves.
“I felt I had no choice. Just imagine if, out of an excess of worry, they decided to come here. Kazuma, it would be rather inconvenient to you if they dragged me back home, wouldn’t it?” Megumin stood up defiantly, tossing her cape out behind her.
“I guess. . .? Wait, ‘drag you back home’?”
Would that be a problem for me?
“Hey,” Megumin said as I thought it over.
“I’d be in trouble without you, Megumin! I would have to redo our entire chore chart, and I would have to do more chores! Plus, who would play my game with me, then?” Aqua was earnestly trying to comfort Megumin, but it only caused our wizard to put a hand on the carpet in defeat.
Darkness gave her what was probably intended as a reassuring pat on the back. “W-well, look, forget about that. We’ll just have to tell Komekko the truth. She’s going to find out eventually—wouldn’t it feel better to tell her yourself?”
Aqua and I nodded along, but Megumin said, “B-but. . .my authority as a big sister. . .! . . .No. Darkness, you are right. The whole reason I embellished my achievements was to make my parents feel better. I used to write them only the truth. But my mother got so worried. . . Yet now we live in a mansion, and I go on adventures and fight foes that need no exaggeration. They won’t drag me back home now, so I can be honest with Komekko.”
A smile came over Megumin’s face; she looked totally relieved. . .
“Komekko. I. . .have something important to tell you.”
Komekko came back into the house covered in mud (she and Chomusuke must’ve had some real fun out there), and Megumin sat her down on the sofa before settling across from her with a serious look on her face.
Komekko understood immediately that something big was afoot. “You mean. . .you’re not going to give me that washbasin of pudding you promised?”
“Oh, there’ll be pudding, trust me! No, this is something much more important!” Komekko looked deeply relieved to know the dessert was still in the works but didn’t say anything, so Megumin went on. “Komekko. Remember how I wrote to you that we’re possibly the most awesome adventuring party in this entire town?” She sounded resolved, set on her course.
“Yeah. You said you’re an awesome wizard who can destroy any monster with a single spell and that the whole town totally loves you.”
Megumin nodded. “That’s right. About that. . .”
But Komekko went on just as blithely: “And you said that Golden-Haired Sis never ran away from any monster ever and that she was a great, stalwart Crusader who could withstand any attack, and you said that Blue-Haired Sis is practically a goddess, that she can stand up against any demon or any undead and even bring people back to life! And. . .”
Megumin jumped to her feet.
“. . .you said that your man is an awesome guy who’s quick-witted and has defeated lots of strong bad guys, and he’s super nice, and even if he complains a lot, when his friends really need him, he comes through—”
Megumin slapped a hand over her sister’s mouth. “Yes, Komekko, I’m aware of what I wrote; you needn’t rehash it for me! In fact, that’s exactly what I want to talk to you about. . .” She was starting to blush. She was just about to come to the point, but she didn’t get the chance.
Aqua could barely contain her smile as she said, “That’s my Megumin. Practically a goddess? Close. I really am a goddess—but you’ve got the right idea. Yes, what your sister told you is no lie.”
Darkness was right behind her. “Er—ahem. I n-never knew you felt that way, Megumin, but, er, yes, it’s all true. Heh. . . Heh-heh. . . ‘A great, stalwart Crusader,’ eh?”
“Wh-what is wrong with both of you?! It’s all a mistake, Komekko! What I’ve been saying—!”
Before she could finish, I broke in.
“—is basically accurate.”
4
We were on our way to the Adventurers Guild together. Megumin was objecting, quietly, to our having brought Komekko.
“Why must things get so thoroughly out of hand? I was more than prepared to tell Komekko the truth and let her be disappointed in me. . .”
I turned to the whispering Megumin. “Ah, calm down. Besides, all that stuff you were saying to Komekko—how do I put this? None of it sounded off. Maybe a little exaggerated.”
“He’s right—maybe just a little. Anyway, some things are hard to communicate in a letter—it hardly even qualifies as a mistake.”
While the three of us debated, Darkness was walking happily in front of us, hand in hand with Komekko so the little girl wouldn’t get lost.
“Hey, Golden-Haired Sis, is it true you’re super-duper strong and can even stand up to Explosion? Is it true that even a mean ol’ demon couldn’t possess you?”
“Oh, I suppose so. Yes, that did. . . Hmm, so Megumin even wrote to you about that. Well, it’s true enough.”
“Cooool!”
Darkness seemed to be trying to coax Komekko into saying nice things about her. I guess she really didn’t get enough praise on a daily basis.
I supposed she was pleased to have someone recognize her—it was easy to ignore someone who just stood around guarding things, and most people did.
“Hey, what about me? Tell me a bit more about me!” Aqua, apparently also starved for praise, wandered up to Komekko and Darkness and started fishing for compliments.
. . .I’ll have to ask later what Megumin wrote about me. . .
Megumin’s voice carried through the Guild Hall despite the building’s large size.
“I have something to say!”
Those were the first words out of her mouth when we came inside, and everyone in the building turned to look at her. Megumin and I had gotten here first, the plan being that we would explain things to the other adventurers while Komekko stayed with Darkness and Aqua.
“Listen,” I said, “there’s something I’d like to ask all of you to do.” And then while I still had their attention, I explained what was going on. I told them how Megumin’s sister was staying with us and how our exploits might have been slightly exaggerated in the telling. In particular, I mentioned how Megumin was supposedly the object of intense respect and admiration at the Adventurers Guild. “I just want to make sure we all have our stories straight,” I concluded. “As for what’s in it for you—while Megumin’s sister is here, I’ll be picking up everyone’s tabs at the bar. My treat.”
That got some eyes to light up. A lot of people didn’t seem really into it, though. Maybe they felt bad lying to a kid.
“I know, I know, it’s an obnoxious thing to ask. But please do it for me.” Hoping to win those people over, I bowed deeply.
“K-Kazuma. . .!” That brought Megumin up speechless. Then a little smile came over her face. “You needn’t go so far for me. I think it is time I told Komekko the truth. My authority as an older sister is less important to me than you, Kazuma, not embarrassing yourself on my behalf. Please, everyone, let’s all pretend this didn’t happen. I apologize for nearly getting you dragged into something so strange.” Then she bowed to everyone.
And that was when it happened.
“Aw, don’t back out now, Megumin. I don’t mind saying whatever. Not if Kazuma’s gonna pick up my tab!” The voice belonged to an adventurer I recognized, someone we’d drunk with at the Guild a few times before.
“You know, Kazuma helped me once when I had just arrived here. He took me to lunch and taught me the basics of adventuring. This is the perfect opportunity to pay him back.” That was a woman I’d found almost at random once; I’d bought her a meal pretty much so I could pretend to be a veteran adventurer.
“Heh, you guys have taken down more than a few generals of the Demon King. You’re aces. This ain’t exactly a request from a bunch of nobodies. Just act respectful toward Megumin? Sure, I can do that. Thanks to you guys, I made out like a bandit on that bounty.” That was another adventurer I knew very well.
Megumin looked like she might burst into tears, but she seemed a little pleased, no question. “My goodness. . . Thank you very much. But it kills me to think of all you generous souls telling lies to sustain my pathetic pride. It’s enough to know you feel that way. . .”
She bowed her head, but she didn’t get to finish her excuse. Because the door of the Adventurers Guild flew open with a bang.
“Here it is, Axel’s Adventurers Guild! This is a starter town, so it’s a bunch of low-level weaklings, but they’re all nice people, and if you go around looking sad and hungry, I’m sure they’ll give you some treats or buy you a beer or something!”
In came Aqua, possibly praising the other adventurers or possibly not. Everyone turned to look at her—and caught sight of Komekko, who came into the Guild holding Darkness’s hand.
“But my big sis said the adventurers in this town were awesome!”
Her voice carried all around the Guild Hall as she went on. “She said they didn’t run away from the Demon King’s general Beldia, or Destroyer, or the Kowloon Hydra, and that they’re all super brave and great people!” Komekko had a gigantic smile on her face.
The collective gaze shifted back to Megumin, who had drawn her hat down to hide her beet-red ears and wasn’t making eye contact with anyone. That didn’t bother Komekko at all; she went up to the nearest adventurer with a look of genuine reverence. “You’re awesome!”
“G-gee, you think so? Heck, maybe I am. I guess adventurers from some other town would have run away. But your big sis is even cooler than the rest of us!” the adventurer answered with a grin, causing Megumin’s head to snap around to look at him.
Beside him, a female adventurer said with considerable pleasure, “Yeah, our levels aren’t always high, but you know? It’s heart that counts, and we have more heart than adventurers anywhere else. And Megumin has more heart than any of us!”
“So cool!”
“Huh?!” Megumin was about to try to stop the woman midsentence, but other adventurers piled on.
“Listen, little lady, everything your sister told you is absolutely true. The adventurers around here are a brave bunch. Hell, I myself charged Beldia head-on and died doing it—heh-heh, and I wasn’t sorry, not if it meant protecting my town. . . Gotta say, though, Megumin has me beat when it comes to sheer recklessness. She went one-on-one with Beldia; did you know that?” This adventurer was beaming at Komekko’s awe-filled gaze; Megumin looked like she wanted to say something, but she couldn’t get the words out.
“When we heard Destroyer was coming to Axel—people all over the world are afraid of it, now—even I started shaking in my boots. But then I thought to myself, This town has given me so much; the least I can do is try to keep it safe. And even old Destroyer couldn’t stand up to the power of Megumin’s Explosion. Come to think of it, that’s the battle that gave me this scar. . .” Komekko’s eyes shimmered at this story from a man with a scar on his cheek.
“I remember the Kowloon Hydra—now, that was a battle. . . Normally they would have sent the royal knights to deal with a problem that big, but the capital’s forces were too busy fighting the Demon King to come help. So our only choice was to do something about it ourselves. But was I scared? Ha! I left fear in my mother’s belly when I was born. A hydra? Megumin put it down for the count!”
Everyone but Megumin and Komekko nodded at this tale of heroism.
“Big Sis is awesome and so are all of you!”
Komekko’s innocent words of appreciation drew smiles from all the adventurers. Only Megumin wasn’t grinning; instead, she shuddered and whispered something incomprehensible about a demon-ish little sister.
5
“C’mon, sweetheart, have a mouthful of this. Axel’s famous fried frog.” A tough-looking male adventurer set a plate in front of Komekko, who was at a table in the center of the Guild.
“You blockhead. Kids like hamburgers, right? Here, try this frogburger, dear.” A female adventurer beside him set down another plate.
The tiny swindler at the table gave a huge grin. “I’ll have them both!”
Perfect answer.
“What a thing this is, to be frightened by my own sister. I worry she will grow into a demon lady who plays men like musical instruments.” Megumin, watching everyone dote on Komekko from a distance, whispered so that only we could hear her.
“Yeah, well, she’d be learning from the best, wouldn’t she, ‘Sis’? The way you always get to the tastiest part and then back off. . . Eeeyow-ow-ow!”
Megumin jabbed me in the side (maybe I deserved it), and we saw one of the receptionists go up to Komekko with a smile. She must have been drawn in by Komekko’s charms, too: She was holding a bowl of ice cream.
Komekko was wolfing everything down, her cheeks puffed out like a squirrel’s. The receptionist stood behind her. “Pardon me—may I have a moment?” Still smiling, she took out some sheets of paper. She selected one and handed it to an adventurer.
“‘Hunt Quest: Lucy’s Ghost’?” the adventurer muttered. “Huh? Hey, isn’t this. . .?”
At that, everyone else looked at one another. The pieces of paper the receptionist was holding turned out to be monster hunt requests. The leftovers, at that: quests that had been sitting around because nobody seemed to want to do them.
When she saw that, Aqua frowned and came over to me. “Kazuma, Kazuma. I’ve got a bad feeling about this. I’m sure they’re going to try to foist something unpleasant on us.”
“You’re a sharp one, Aqua. I was thinking the same thing.” Even from this distance, I could feel the danger wafting from the scene before us; I started slowly backing away.
As we prepared to beat a hasty retreat anytime it might be necessary, the receptionist went over to Komekko, who was still sitting in front of the large quantity of food—enough for two people. “Komekko—that’s your name, right, sweetie? I’ll give you some ice cream for dessert if you listen to what I have to say.”
“I’m listening!” Komekko didn’t hesitate despite all the food she had just eaten. The woman set the ice cream in front of her.
“It so happens that a woman named Lucy—she was a priest once—was turned into a monster called a ghost. It’s a long story about how. . .she still wanders this world, trapped in her abandoned church. Tell me, Komekko, sweetie. Don’t you feel bad for the poor lady who’s stuck as a ghost?”
“I feel bad,” Komekko said promptly, nodding, her face already full of the proffered ice cream.
“Of course you do. Anyone would, wouldn’t they? But don’t worry. Because all the amazing adventurers here are going to help Lucy!”
““““Huh?!””””
That came out of left field. Every person in the Guild Hall goggled.
“H-hey, Miss Luna, what’re you talking ab—?”
“You will help her, won’t you?” Luna said, interrupting the adventurer.
With Komekko sitting right there, her eyes sparkling with admiration, nobody in the building was about to say no. . .
“Okay, we’re going home before we get caught up in whatever this is. Look how pleased that receptionist is. She knows she’s got somebody on the hook for a quest no one wants.”
I jerked my thumb in the direction of the adventurers, who were muttering and murmuring over the quest paper. There were no objections to my plan, so we all started inching toward the door.
Lucy’s ghost.
There was this abandoned church standing at the foot of the mountain outside Axel. It didn’t belong to the Axis sect or the Eris Church. It must have belonged to some minor deity—I had no idea which—and “Lucy” was that god’s last follower.
Gods in this world drew their power from the faith of their followers. In other words, if not a single person believed in you, your power would vanish completely and you would disappear. Lucy was such a devout follower of her deity that she stayed in this world after her own death so she could continue worshipping this god, so that they wouldn’t disappear.
Nobody liked the thought of exorcising the spirit of someone as devoted and virtuous as Lucy, who had been so profoundly faithful that she kept praying even after she became a ghost. A former cleric, Lucy retained a strong resistance to holy magic despite being a spirit. To get rid of someone like that, you would need an awfully strong priest of your own—someone with profound faith and immense virtue.
But that by itself was a sort of paradox, and so to this day, Lucy was still in her church, having never been driven out.
“You’d need one hell of a priest to get rid of Lucy. But they’d have to be a total jerk of a cleric to want to do it. Do we know anyone like that?”
“Lots of crappy priests around, but it’s the huge-power thing that gets you. Too many priests here have gone soft because they love their gold so much.”
“How about an Axis disciple? They wouldn’t object to exorcising Lucy, would they?”
As this conversation gained momentum among the adventurers, we tried to eke our way out the door without making a sound. . .
“K-Kazuma, Kazuma. . .” Megumin’s agonized whisper gave me a very bad feeling. I slowly turned around. . .
Every single person in the room was looking at Aqua.
6
The next day, we left Axel early in the morning, heading for the mountain to the north.
“Hey, Aqua. I know this might be a weird question coming from a Crusader, but are you really going to exorcise Lucy? I honestly can’t say my heart is in this. . .”
When the dust had settled the day before, we’d ended up stuck handling Lucy’s ghost. The other adventurers had all been more than happy to foist the job on us, but there were plenty of other unwanted quests, so nobody got off scot-free.
Komekko, for her part, was at the Guild Hall at that very moment (despite the early hour), apparently having learned that as long as she was there, people would constantly feed her.
“What are you talking about, Darkness—you heard the story, didn’t you? This isn’t some lonely poltergeist who just wants to hear an adventuring story. If I thought Lucy would eventually be satisfied and go to heaven on her own, I might leave her alone, but she’s stuck here forever; I’m sure of it. Meaning it’s my job to send her into the next life by force.”
I couldn’t explain Aqua at that moment. We were all shocked by the genuinely goddess-like proclamation that came out of her mouth, so naturally she went on: “Besides, however insignificant Lucy’s deity might be, the fewer rivals the better, right? I’ll send her to heaven and wipe out this god’s last follower—and the god with her.”
“You are beyond shady. And to think I almost admired you for a second there—apologize to me!”
We walked along, arguing the point, until a tiny, dilapidated church house came into view.
“That’s it! That’s the church where this dumb deity is worshipped!” Aqua said. “I don’t care if she is the goddess of manipulation and revenge or whatever; I’m going to zap Lucy and put an end to her!”
“I’m with Darkness—I’m not really feeling this. . .,” I said. “And knowing the deity we’re going to wipe out is a goddess makes it even worse. I mean, I’m not against bringing eternal rest to a wandering spirit or whatever, but. . .”
Aqua completely ignored my objection, champing at the bit to get to the church. But Megumin abruptly came to a halt.
“Aqua, what did you just say? ‘The goddess of manipulation and revenge’—is that what you said?”
“Yeah, so what? I heard it all from the receptionist. In life, Lucy worshipped the goddess responsible for manipulation and revenge, and even now, after her death, she’s the one last worshipper of this character.”
At that, Megumin tugged on my sleeve. “Kazuma, may I have a moment? I’d like to speak with you.”
“What’s up? Let me guess, you think a goddess of manipulation and revenge sounds pretty cool, and you feel bad getting rid of her?”
I was half joking, but Megumin shuddered. “. . .N-no. Well, I grant that she does indeed sound cool, but more importantly, this goddess and I. . . We might have a very small connection.”
“Geez! Dark gods, revenge goddesses—you have the weirdest acquaintances. I’d think Aqua would fill your quota of troublemaking deities.”
Exasperated, I tried to urge us on, but Megumin sort of looked into the distance and said, “Kazuma, do you remember your visit to my hometown of Crimson Magic Village?”
“Damn right I do. How could I forget it? It was the land of near misses for me. I almost slept in the same bed as you, and Sylvia nearly jumped my bones. . .”
“You can forget the part about us being in the same bed! That’s not my point. Do you remember the many tourist attractions in the village?”
“Yeah, sure. Cat-Ears Shrine or whatever and some stupid rock with a sword in it. What about it?”
Megumin seemed to be trying to decide whether she should share with me. Finally. . .
“You may also recall that there were locations called ‘The Tomb of the Sealed Evil Spirit’ and ‘The Place with the Sealed Unknown Goddess.’”
“I guess. But you said the seals had also been broken, right? I guess the tomb of the Dark God turned out to be the resting place of the Demon King’s general Wolbach, right? What’s your point?”
“Yes, I rather accidentally unsealed the Dark God when I was a girl, but I believe we’ve reached the statute of limitations on that, and it need not concern us. The problem has to do with the Unknown Goddess.”
“I’m not sure there’s a statute of limitations on releasing an evil deity into the world,” I objected, but Megumin went on as if she was talking about the weather:
“. . .Yes, it happened when I had first learned Explosion. I acquired the spell in order to defend Komekko and Yunyun from encroaching servants of the Dark God.” She didn’t even bother to look at us; it was like she was talking to herself. “To oversimplify, the spot where I learned explosion magic also happened to be the place where the Unknown Goddess was sealed away. Thus, I unwittingly released the goddess of manipulation and revenge, and she fled somewhere; I know not where.”
“What the hell are you telling us? I mean, what the hell are you saying?”
Megumin, looking like she had really gotten something off her chest, replied, “The deity Lucy is worshipping appears to be the goddess who was sealed in Crimson Magic Village for so long. It has already been nearly two years since she fled the village. I’m sure she must have followers other than Lucy by now. So we can exorcise Lucy with clear consciences. I’m confident the goddess will not vanish!”
And exactly what was I supposed to do with this information? “What is the story with you Crimson Magic people? Do you just collect evil deities from all over? There’s such a thing as restraint, you know. You guys could use some of it!”
I really wanted to deck the guy who had created the Crimson Magic Clan. . . Still, we had learned that getting rid of Lucy wouldn’t destroy this goddess. Which meant the last remaining hurdle was our opponent’s uncommonly high resistance to holy magic—but I didn’t think that would be a problem at all for Aqua.
All right, then. Nothing to it but to do it!
7
“Halt! Stop! Cease! Don’t come any closer to me, you filthy Axis disciple!”
“Ooh, now you’re in for it, you stinking undead! A Purification spell would be too good for you! I’ll send you to kingdom come with my divine fist!”
It didn’t take us long to find the spirit once we entered the church. But.
“O venerable Regina, great goddess of manipulation and revenge, dispense divine punishment upon this blue-haired woman! A curse upon this damnable Axis follower!”
“The nerve, trying to put a curse on a true, pure goddess! Darkness, let me borrow your sword! I’ll smash this stupid church brick by brick until this ghost has nowhere left to haunt!”
Wasn’t the spirit here supposed to be the shade of a pious and devout believer, still praying to her goddess even after her own death? The ghost bickering with Aqua was a woman in her mid-twenties, half her body kind of transparent. As Megumin and I watched wearily, Darkness tried to get between them.
“Calm down, both of you. Aqua, we both hold holy offices. Lucy, so did you when you were alive, right? Let’s all calm down and talk. Don’t the deities both of you worship hate fighting?”
Darkness had a sort of awkward smile on her face, but it became more awkward than smile as the goddess and the ghost both lit into her.
“Darkness, what do you mean ‘the deities both of you worship’? You said just the other day that you believed I’m a real goddess! And this undead is an affront to my holiness and me, so we need to get rid of her!”
“You know I worship Regina, goddess of manipulation and revenge, right?! ‘Do as is done unto you’ is one of her central teachings—so I don’t need some outsider barging in here pretending to know what she’s talking about!”
Darkness’s head was spinning from this two-pronged assault, but it wasn’t over.
“Gosh, this is why no one likes Eris disciples! You’re the majority, so of course you think there’s no need to fight! It bugs me how you’re all high and mighty just because you’re the state religion. Tell me, Darkness—don’t you agree that it wouldn’t kill you to come pray at the Axis church every once in a while?”
“I’m so jealous of the Eris Church with all its followers! For us followers of minor gods, every day is like a war! ‘Hates fighting’? As if! The have-nots don’t have a choice except to keep fighting!”
Darkness quickly backed away from the ghost and the goddess.
“Forget about them,” I told her. “Aqua’s just gonna purify her out of sight anyway.”
“I have a role in the church myself, even if a small one,” Darkness said, defeated. “I only wanted to see if I couldn’t bring her around. . .”
A few steps away, it looked like the purification was really getting underway. “Think you’re ready?” Aqua said. “You can spend your next life regretting that you ever picked a fight with a goddess! Ahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, you and your minor-league goddess, Regina or whoever, are out of here with one good Holy Knuckle from me!”
“Grrrrr! This aura of absolute enmity I’ve been feeling—don’t tell me you’re really. . .?! Regina, O vaunted Regina, I still haven’t repaid what I owe you! O Regina, you who cast down that man who used and abused me, down to the very depths! O Regina, who took that woman who tried to con my brother into marrying her for his money and left her penniless! On behalf of all those who have been subject to outrages and injustices, I refuse to lose you here!”
As Aqua came closer, her fist shimmering and a nasty smile on her face, Lucy offered up a tearful prayer.
And that was when it happened.
“Please don’t worry. This goddess you worship escaped her seal two years ago. I’m sure she has more followers by now.”
Megumin, who had been silently watching the goings-on, started talking to Lucy. She practically looked like a cleric herself at that moment.
Lucy, desperate to believe Megumin, said, “Really. . .? And how do you know this?”
“Because I am the one who let your beloved deity loose,” Megumin said. “So please rest in peace now.”
Lucy must have sensed Megumin’s conviction, because she smiled gently, as if she had been freed from something that had been possessing her.
“Thank you, kind stranger. . . Normally I would want to show my appreciation for such an act, but somehow I feel no attachment to this world anymore. Hearing your words really set my heart at ease. I’m afraid that means I haven’t any time left. I apologize that I’m not able to thank you properly. . .”
Lucy smiled, a hint of pain in her expression, and Megumin smiled back. “The tenets of the Crimson Magic Clan include ‘never back down from a fight’ and ‘if someone gets you, get them back.’ Rather like something your goddess of revenge would say. Consider that thanks enough.”
Lucy, relieved, smiled again at Megumin, and—
“God Blow!”
“Eeeyargh?!”
Our actual cleric, who couldn’t read the mood to save her life, blindsided Lucy with a huge punch.
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” I exclaimed. “Here we were about to have a nice, happy ending for once, and you come charging in! She was obviously about to, like, move on peacefully or whatever, right?!”
Megumin and Darkness, meanwhile, stood with their jaws open, overwhelmed by what had just happened.
“That’s exactly why I did it! I’m not going to let some nobody follower of some nothing god give me lip and then run away!” Aqua, unable to maintain a mature attitude even in the face of a lost soul, stood there shaking with anger as the half-faded Lucy rubbed her cheek.
The spirit pointed angrily at Aqua. “There’s no way you’re a goddess! And you wonder why nobody wants Axis followers anywhere near them?! Aren’t you embarrassed that Eris, your junior goddess, has more followers than you do? Eris worship is the official state religion, but the Axis Church? Forget it!”
Aqua’s eyebrow started to twitch. . .
“You’re one to talk! The last follower of an insignificant deity who’s about to vanish!”
Aqua made to grab the smart-mouthed spirit, but Lucy, already mostly faded, just floated away.
“O great and venerable Regina. . . As a follower of the goddess of revenge, I got the last word over this goddess, who has been outdone by her own junior. . .and now I’m going to run away undefeated. May your future be bright, my lady. . .”
And that was it. The pious follower of the goddess of manipulation and revenge—
“Waaaaaaahhh! She ran away before I could get the last word in!”
—left this world with no regrets and one last victory that scarred the goddess of water.
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