Prologue
“You impossible—impossible—impossible man! Why do you always have to be like this?!”
“Me?! Why do you always have to be like this? I’m the only one you ever get this angry with! What is it about me that ticks you off so badly? Wait—are you trying to get me to notice you? Like some kind of hot-cold type? If you’re in love with me, just say so already!”
I fired my retort at Darkness from the sofa, where I was lounging on my stomach. Her eyebrow arched dangerously.
“And just what makes you think I would ever fall in love with a layabout virgin shut-in like you?! That’s the dumbest, stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’m not afraid to let you know it!”
“Aww, leave me alone! This is my special ring-polishing time! I got this ring from Iris! If I lose it because we were fighting, what am I gonna do then? This thing’s irreplaceable, you know!”
This was of particular concern to me because at that moment, Darkness had me by the collar.
“That’s exactly why I’m so upset about this! It’s a national treasure that was with Princess Iris every waking moment until she gave it to you. You can’t polish it with a dirty handkerchief!”
“That hurts! Even I have my pride, you know. I admit this handkerchief isn’t the fancy kind, but I am taking care of it in my own way. This ring is precious, the touchstone for all my memories of Iris!”
“You think I’m worried about how much that rag cost?! I’ve seen you blow your nose on it! Go get a nice new polishing cloth this instant!!”
With that last belligerent shout, she finally put me down again. A second later, she collapsed onto the couch herself, looking drained.
“Sheesh. Being around you is the most exhausting thing,” she said. “We’re finally back home, and I can hardly even relax.”
“You can’t relax? It’s practically your hobby to cause trouble for me, and you think you can stand there and lecture me? I know you only barely qualify as upper-crust, but you are supposed to be a blue blood, right? It wouldn’t kill you to act just a little more refined and, you know, noble.”
“‘Only barely’?! The Dustiness family, the house people call the kingdom’s confidant, ‘only barely’ noble?! In the whole wide world, I think you’re the only man who could insult me so thoroughly!”
“Look, if you’re trying to compliment me, you’re not doing a very good job. You need to be clear and precise when praising someone.”
“I’m not praising you!” Darkness leaned back against the sofa and took a sip of the black tea sitting on the table. “I know, I know. You’ve always been this way. Even when I told you who I really was, you cared less about my background than my name. You’re weird that way.”
“Whoa, what’s this, Lalatina? You of all people have no right to call me weird. A sheltered rich-girl-cum-adventurer-cum-masochist? You want all the archetypes you can get your hands on, don’t you, you greedy lady?”
Darkness set the tea back on the table. “I can see I’ll have to settle things with you eventually.”
“Yeah, sure. Let’s have us another duel sometime, my lady.”
She looked regretful, but I didn’t pay much attention to her. Instead, I also picked up a cup of tea and took a sip. “Hey, this is pretty good. Despite all the things you suck at, you make a pretty mean cup of tea.”
That seemed to placate Darkness a bit. “Heh-heh! People don’t tend to think much of my cooking, but I’m confident in my tea-making abilities. The trick to a good cup of tea is warming up the mug first, then pouring the tea out to the last drop. If you apologize for the nasty things you said to me, I might see my way to making you another cup.”
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry for teasing you. Tell you what—to make it up to you, when your household falls into disgrace, I’ll hire you as my maid.”
“Disgrace?! Sheesh. You really are hard to fathom. Just when I think you’re a lazy good-for-nothing, you show a bit of courage. Sometimes you help people out, and sometimes you spend all night partying with the weirdest crowd and doing all sorts of other things I can’t approve of. For goodness’ sake, which one is the real you?”
“The real me? Whatever. Everyone does the occasional good deed when they’re in a good mood. But then they get a little upset, and suddenly they’re peeing on a wall somewhere. I’m just a normal person like that. Sorry I’m not the big-shot, serious hero you wanted.”
“Hmm? You don’t have to be sorry. I like average guys better than princes or heroes or whatever. Guys just like you…”
“H-hey, what’re you implying? What are you trying to say? First Megumin, now you—what is it with you girls and these ambiguous declarations? How’s a virgin supposed to understand you if you don’t speak clearly?”
My words only brought a thin smile to Darkness’s lips. “Hmm. Now, what do I mean…?”
And then she sipped her tea, looking rather pleased.
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