Chapter 1
May We Take Joy in These Normal Days!
1
There comes a time in a person’s life when they become popular with the opposite sex, or so I’m told.
“Will you come to my room tonight? I have something important to tell you.”
…I took these words of Megumin’s to mean my time of popularity had finally come.
I’d had my suspicions. I couldn’t help noticing the I-like-you aura she’d been giving off for a while now.
Look, I’m not dense, and I’m certainly not one to ignore a request like that. But I was worried enough that I definitely lost some authority as the older party.
That day.
I sat down to have dinner, just as totally cool as I always am.
“Rejoice, everyone! When I was wandering around the merchant’s quarter earlier, they said I could have the leftover wine from the after-party! Here, look, this is quality stuff! I’m going to keep you guys up all night!”
Across from me was Aqua, proudly displaying a bottle of wine.
I had an important date tonight, but Aqua was, as usual, totally oblivious to what was going on. I wanted to give her hell, but I couldn’t very well mention my little tryst.
Anyway, I was too cool to be moved by such things, and I knew a little fancy alcohol would never be enough to buy off the rest of the househ—
“…Huh, that is fancy stuff,” Darkness said. “I was so busy at the Eris after-party that I didn’t really get to have any fun. Maybe tonight we can have a little party of our own, just for us.”
Huh?
“H-hold on, Darkness, just a minute. I say we go to bed nice and early tonight. I mean, a lot has happened, and everyone’s tired, right?”
“You think?” Darkness asked, looking perplexed. “The festival is over, and I don’t have to fill in as governor anymore. I can’t say I’ve been too tired recently.” She set the table as she spoke.
But I’d had a momentous rendezvous with Megumin that night! I didn’t have time to hang out with these losers until the crack of dawn.
“I’m, y’know, tired from doing battle with monsters every day and stuff. I think I’ll turn in early tonight.”
“You didn’t take one step outside the house all day. I know for a fact you sleep more than twelve hours every single night—how can you complain about being tired?”
I was trying to decide how best to respond to Darkness’s all-too-accurate jab when—
“What’s the harm, Kazuma? Let us all enjoy ourselves together until morning.”
“Huh?!”
Megumin—the one who was supposed to see me tonight—came in, carrying a heavy-looking pot with both hands.
Does she even understand why I’m trying to turn down this invitation?!
“Look, Kazuma, it’s your favorite—onion stew. And this is wild onion, not farm grown. Lots of experience points for that extra savor.” Megumin set down the pot of stew with a little grin on her face. (Seriously, did she have any idea?)
“H-hey, Megumin. Are you sure about this? I mean, tonight, you know…,” I whispered to her urgently, but she only giggled.
“Tomorrow or the day after would be just as good. We have plenty of time.”
She didn’t know! She didn’t get it at all!
How could we put this off—how could she lead me on like that and then make me wait? Stupid girl, I wasn’t going to be able to sleep; she was getting my hopes up and then making me wait—what was that about?!
“Kazuma, why so excited?” Aqua asked. “Your nostrils are flaring and everything. You look like when we’re on a trip or something, you know?”
“It d-d-doesn’t mean anything! I’m just excited because we’re having onion stew tonight! These look like good onions! I’ll bet I get another level from this!”
Somehow she was perceptive only at the most inconvenient times. I scrambled to make up an excuse.
Megumin, watching the whole thing, looked like she was enjoying herself.
2
With the Eris Festival over, life in town went back to normal. We’d experienced a brief boom in pilgrims coming to visit the site where the goddess Eris had come down in person. But pilgrimages had fallen off, and these days only the occasional devout traveler would pay a visit.
It was then that Megumin had invited me to her room, but one thing after another had gotten in my way ever since. It started with Aqua suggesting an all-night party, continued with Aqua insisting Megumin have a game night in her room the next day, then Aqua said that being one of the most distinguished women in Axel, she felt like having a girls’ night (could you get any weirder?), so that was another night gone, and then yesterday…
…Maybe I should tie her up until dawn tonight.
Such was the thought I was entertaining after breakfast as I watched Aqua sit with Emperor Zel on her knees, looking at him with endless adoration.
Darkness was getting a teapot for some after-breakfast tea (making tea being one of the few things she was actually any good at), while Aqua petted the chick in her lap with a look of blissful satisfaction. She probably thought she was doing her best impression of some wealthy movie star with an exotic pet, but the untamable Zel diligently pecked at Aqua’s fingers each time they got near him.
“By the way, Megumin,” Aqua said, “what’s that you’re working on? I don’t recognize that thing you’ve been fiddling with.”
“…Oh, this? This is a traditional magical charm of the Crimson Magic Clan. You put the hair of a powerful magic-user inside and then give it to a companion. Admittedly, the benefit is mostly psychological, but I thought it might make a nice birthday gift for Kazuma, considering how often he dies.”
She was right, I did die a lot, but I had a distinct feeling that being given an anti-death charm would only be a flag for even more deaths to come.
Darkness, with the teapot now full of boiling water, came back into the room. “That’s a pretty good idea. Can it be anyone’s hair? Is it like, you know, the more hair you’ve got in there, the more effective it is…?”
Megumin was industriously adding a strand of her own hair as she answered, “More is better, yes. The charms we give to those going on expeditions to topple the Demon King contain a clipping from every single person in the village, so much that it doesn’t all fit inside. Charms like that can practically work miracles. They don’t just protect the wearer; they make it so that, say, even if you leave your bag just sitting there, no one will steal it, or if you forget something, someone will bring it right back to you. Really powerful effects.”
Personally, I assumed that was because nobody would want to take a bag with a gross charm full of hair, and if they did have to touch it, they’d give it right back just to make sure they didn’t fall under some weird curse.
Darkness, though, pulled out a strand of her long, golden hair. “Then maybe you could add this, too. Although I don’t have enough magical power to be very effective…”
She gave it to Megumin, who took it and added it to the charm, looking surprisingly happy about it.
“……”
Eventually, everyone’s gazes naturally settled on Aqua. And she, looking the worse for wear after Emperor Zel’s incessant pecking, looked blankly back at us.
“…? Whaddaya want? Don’t tell me you presume to beg this goddess to hand over a lock of her hair. Now, listen. A single strand of a goddess’s hair is so holy and so valuable that—”
“Can’t you read a room? Just shut up and hand it over! Ever since that festival, you’ve been leaning way too hard into the goddess thing!”
“Nooo! Okay, I give—just stop pulling my hair! Ow, it hurts! At least cut it; don’t tear it out!”
I passed Megumin the hair I had pulled out of Aqua’s head.
Back in Japan, we had a tradition of gifting charms with human hair in them, so maybe this was like that.
Darkness smirked at Aqua and me, then poured tea into everyone’s cups.
“Okay, Kazuma, here,” Megumin said. “Well, as I mentioned, it’s mostly to relax you, so just toss it in your bag when you go somewhere.”
“Uh, sure. Thanks.”
I took the charm from Megumin and placed it carefully not into the backpack in my room but into the pouch I carried with me.
“Take good care of that charm—it has my miracle-working hair in it. If anything happens to it, you’ll be in for some divine punishment.”
“This thing isn’t going to lower my intelligence or bring undead flocking to me, is it?”
“…Hey, Darkness. You keep promising to help me build a coop for Emperor Zel. Let’s go ahead and do that, okay?”
“Listen, you, say something! This thing is going to get me swarmed with zombies, isn’t it?!”
Aqua totally ignored my question, instead tugging on Darkness’s hand, pulling her out of the room.
After they left, I heaved a great sigh. The sight of it seemed to amuse Megumin to no end.
“What are you grinning at?” I asked. “You’re thinking something filthy, aren’t you?”
Megumin stopped sipping her tea to object. “I am not! I don’t think filthy things, and I’m not grinning! I’m just smiling!”
As for me, though, I was just registering the situation we were in.
After all the interruptions, at that moment, it was just the two of us.
I wondered what the important thing was that Megumin had promised to tell me.
“Why so quiet all of a sudden? Are you nervous to be alone with me?” Megumin asked teasingly. I felt like she had seen right through me.
What, am I the only one feeling a bit anxious here? Am I the only one a little concerned to be all alone together in this huge room?
“It’s just that whatever you want to say is bugging me,” I retorted. “You know, that thing you said you wanted to talk to me about? I mean, it’s not bugging me a lot, you know? I don’t have any, like, weird expectations or anything, and anyway, you know how many times already I’ve had my hopes raised just to have them dashed at the last minute.”
I jabbered on, my voice getting a little raspy, as Megumin brought her cup to her mouth and giggled. That was all she did, but somehow it made my face hot.
What was wrong with me? Was the “love aura” I’d been feeling from her making me pay more attention to Megumin?
Damn! I never took myself for this kind of man—to think that some jailbait character could hold me in the palm of her hand like this…!
Megumin, oblivious to the turmoil within me, looked at me, her eyes shimmering. “Kazuma, what I’ve been wanting to tell you is…”
But that was as far as she got.
“Sorry, Megumin! C’mere a minute—Aqua’s calling you! She says I’m too clumsy to be of any use, and she wants to trade…! She says, ‘I didn’t say help me destroy a coop! I said help me build one! You trade off with Megumin and keep Kazuma company so he doesn’t come get in the way!’”
Thus Darkness appeared at the front door on the verge of tears.
…Well, how’s that for bad timing?
Or was that good timing?
“Hey, isn’t a little building right up my alley? I’ve got the Smith skill and everything—I’m practically a pro. So why does she want Megumin?”
“I said the same thing, but she said that anything you get involved in always goes south. She thinks you would build Zel’s coop in the shape of an oven or something.”
She knew me too well.
“Very well, I shall go and have a look. Darkness, babysit Kazuma, please.”
“Hey, who’s babysitting who here?”
But Megumin only smiled at my objection and left the house.
Hrm, what was going on here? I really couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being toyed with.
Darkness had been watching the exchange between Megumin and me. “………Hey, Kazuma. Did something happen between you guys?” Her question came out of nowhere.
Yeah, something happened—so far, she’d said thanks to me once and teasingly said that she loved me. I guess that’s something…
I decided to just give Darkness the upshot. “Nothing at all.”
“You expect me to believe that?! Then what’s Megumin acting like that for? I heard from Aqua, you know. She says you go sneaking over to Megumin’s room every night these days. I know you tried to pull something on Megumin back at Crimson Magic Village. What have you done this time?”
She was determined to shoot me down point-blank.
“You know, I keep wondering, what exactly is it you guys all take me for? I swear to God, I’m gonna use Steal on you until you really do cry. I’m not lying here. I don’t know what kind of something you’ve got in mind, but whatever you’re imagining, it hasn’t happened.”
That set Darkness back.
“…Something is, you know, something… You know perfectly well what I mean; are you going to make me say it? Like, you and Megumin have…have kissed, or you’ve touched her chest, or whatever…!”
Darkness was bright red as she recited her list of indecencies. As usual, I found it impossible to tell what her threshold for embarrassment was.
“Uh-uh, I haven’t kissed her, and I haven’t touched anyone’s chest. Don’t get me wrong on this one. Look into my eyes. Do they look like the eyes of a man who’s lying?”
I stared straight at Darkness as I spoke.
Confronted with my unwavering gaze, Darkness gradually began to crumble. “…Errr. They look corrupt, but…they don’t…they don’t look like you’re lying. I’m sorry; I know now that nothing happened. It’s just, the way Megumin’s been behaving, what else was I supposed to think…? Anyway, forget it. I’m really sorry…”
Her voice got smaller and smaller as she grew more and more embarrassed. Finally, she stood up straight, as if she was trying to claw back a bit of her dignity, and crossed her arms like she was hoping to emphasize her bust. “I’ve got to say, though, things have seemed strange between you and Megumin lately. I was starting to worry you guys had finally crossed that line.” As she spoke, Darkness walked briskly over to the sofa and sat down.
She poured some tea into her cup, looking like some great burden had been lifted from her heart.
Looking for a bit of revenge after Darkness’s tirade, I gave her a discreet little jab. “…Sheesh. Someone who goes for a kiss without even asking is the last person I want to get this lecture from. Compared with a pervy noble nutcase like you, I’m practically normal.”
Darkness spat out her tea.
“Aw, c’mon…! Look at this—now I’m covered in tea!” I tore off my tea-soaked shirt and started flapping it wildly.
“Hrgh! Cough! Hack…!” Darkness, coughing and choking, stood up, wiping at her mouth with a handkerchief. “H-how could you?! Saying something like that to me! What a rude thing to say…! What a rude…pointless thing to say…”
She’d started out pretty angry, but she seemed to get more depressed as she went along. Maybe she’d had a few ideas of her own, because even as she glared at me, the teary-eyed Darkness glanced away.
“Huh, looks like you can think of someone like that, you damn perv. I know you, always huffing and puffing and doing the weirdest stuff! Here you keep saying things to me that I wouldn’t repeat to a child, but when it comes right down to it, you run away with your tail between your legs, you failure of a noble. Yeah, what’s wrong? If you have anything to say to me, I shall hear it!”
When I started imitating a certain someone’s verbal tic, Darkness sat heavily on the sofa and hid her face in her hands. Maybe it was the embarrassment making her shoulders shake.
Finally, she took her hands away, and I saw her with her usual cool expression, albeit a bit redder than usual.
Normally, that kind of withering assault would have sent her fleeing to her room in tears—maybe after all this time, Darkness had matured a bit. She poured herself more tea as if nothing had happened, took a sip, and let out an appreciative sigh.
“I was wrong,” she said. “I apologize for confusing you with a man who would commit sexual harassment. And I vow to endeavor to comport myself in a more ladylike manner from now on… So please, I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.”
“Er, right… I guess I went a little far myself. Let’s make up…”
I guess Darkness had grown up enough that she didn’t just run away crying anymore.
“Say, something came addressed to you. The box by the front door.” Darkness attempted to change the subject, drinking yet another cup of tea to maintain her composure. She was acting calm, but I could tell she was still shaken.
“Ooh, so it’s here, huh? See, all the experience-rich foods I’ve been eating lately have helped get me to a pretty decent level. I thought it was time I started wearing something more suited to a veteran adventurer… Hey, if you keep drinking all that tea, you’re gonna want to go to the bathroom.”
“I h-hope there’s a sense of delicacy for you in that box…”
Darkness turned resentful eyes on me as I started opening my package, and soon I had produced a chest plate, a pair of greaves, and some gloves that were surprisingly light for how strong they were.
“Ooh, I like the way these feel!”
Finally, I pulled a length of wire from the box.
See, there’s a skill called Bind. It’s become one of my trademarks lately, and with a strong enough wire, you can render any opponent virtually powerless. The chance of successfully binding someone, I’m told, is based on the user’s Luck, so I couldn’t ask for a more perfect skill for me.
Until now, I’d been using some custom-made metal wire, but out of an abundance of caution, I’d ordered this really top-notch stuff. This wire, made of mithril, could even Bind incorporeal spirits.
When Darkness saw me pick it up and grin, she exclaimed, “Is that…Bind wire?! A-and that shine! Don’t tell me it’s made of mithril!!” Her deviant cheeks went red with excitement.
Looking at me with perverted envy, she started to squirm, still blushing.
“Ahem… Kazuma, I’m something of a connoisseur of the Bind skill. How about it—want to try your special wire on me? Come to think of it, in fact, I’ve never suffered your Bind, not once. And don’t you think party members should know how powerful their friends’ skills are?!”
The pervert kept glancing between the wire and me as she spoke.
“What happened to all that talk about acting a little more ladylike? And as you can see, this is a super-strong wire for taking down super-strong monsters. If you want to try Bind, let’s go get a nice, thin rope from the closet or something…”
As I spoke, I started over to the living room closet…
“No, I want that one! …Er, I mean, that one will be fine. I remember your claim, but if you find out it can’t even Bind me, then how is it going to Bind any super-strong monsters? I’ll tell you: It won’t. So you’d better try it out on me first.”
The pervert was blushing again, her eyes glittering expectantly.
Her argument notwithstanding, I’d successfully used Bind even on the Kowloon Hydra with wire a lot less powerful than this. I didn’t think much testing was necessary.
Without waiting for my answer, though, the perv stood in the living room, looking thrilled.
“…Hang on, you said you wanted this one?” I asked.
“Did not.”
“Yeah, you did.”
“Did not… But who cares anyway? Hurry up and do it. You can’t show me a sturdy, tough, heavy-looking wire like that and then just put it away, you jerk.”
Apparently, she wasn’t bothering to hide the perversity any longer. I stopped in my tracks.
I pulled the wire taut between my hands to test the strength again, then I turned and confronted Darkness.
It’s worth mentioning that at this point, because I’d removed my soaked shirt, I was standing there in nothing but a pair of shorts.
Darkness, meanwhile, was wearing a sheer white shirt that made her curves all too obvious, along with a pencil skirt. She looked less like a noblewoman and more like a Japanese office lady.
I have to admit, we would have presented a pretty damning picture to anyone who happened to pass by. There was me, standing shirtless and holding a length of wire, while Darkness was getting redder by the minute and starting to moan a little.
“H-hey, Kazuma. Maybe you could at least change your clothes. If you Bind me looking like that, I’m afraid I’ll feel like something really risqué is going on…”
“Don’t give me that crap now.” Pervert or no, it was a little late to worry about that. I thrust out the wire. “This is a pain in the neck, so I’m going to put most of my MP into it, and you’re gonna be stuck for a really long time. Then you and all your stupid, ridiculous, obnoxious comments can just squirm around in the corner over there.”
“Wha—?! Not satisfied tying me up with such a sturdy wire, you plan to make me squirm as well?! Do you have a gag? Don’t we need a gag for this?! What will you do if I cry out in pain?!”
“I won’t do anything.”
Our resident degenerate was in fine form today.
I was eager to get Darkness tied up and go check on Aqua and Megumin. By which I mean, go cause trouble for them.
I held the wire toward Darkness and exclaimed, “Bind!!!!”
The wire jumped from my hand and flew at Darkness, wrapping itself around her body.
“Wha…?! Th-this…! Hrgh…… Hagh?!”
Darkness shouted and yelped. And I, looking at the bound Crusader, couldn’t move.
I was too busy gawking. I had absolutely no other choice.
“…! Hff… Hff…! Y-you dirty, filthy…! How do you always, always manage to go above and beyond my expectations…?!”
Darkness, huffing in ecstasy, was tied up on the floor, and the wire had caught her just beneath her bust, pushing it way, way up. Maybe the binding really was too strong, because Darkness, her hands tied, slumped to the carpet.
Lying there wire-bound from her shoulders to her hips, and with the twin mounds of her chest ready to burst free from their own silken binding, she wouldn’t have looked out of place on the cover of any men’s magazine.
This was bad.
This was really, really bad.
If Aqua and Megumin saw this, they would be disgusted. And this was really crossing a line—I wasn’t going to be able to make up some convenient excuse. I definitely hadn’t deliberately used Bind to accentuate her boobs, but I couldn’t shake the feeling my skills always seemed to go just a little bit wrong, like how every time I used Steal on a girl, I ended up with her panties or something.
I crouched down next to the panting, twitching Darkness. “Hey, are you okay? I promise I, uh, tried to go easy on you there.”
“Th… This is…easy…?! Errgh, Kazuma… Next time…I’ll pay you. I promise I’ll pay you—just go hard on me!”
It happened just as Darkness was making this ridiculous request.
I could feel something behind me. Maybe my long-honed Sense Foe skill had alerted me.
Normally, that ability was for sensing monsters and other hostile creatures. But maybe I’d been relying on it for so long that it was now capable of warning me about more than that.
I immediately let my instincts guide me…!
I heard the front door opening.
“Phew, man I’m tired. Let’s take a break. Nice work, Megumin!”
“You’re tired? Aqua, you spent the entire time playing with Emperor Zel… Hmm?”
I also heard Aqua and Megumin talking.
“Hff… Hff… Hff…”
I could feel the hot breath of Darkness, still hog-tied, on my hand.
“I don’t see Kazuma or Darkness anywhere. Where do you suppose they went?” Megumin sounded puzzled.
“My unclouded eye perceives that they’re playing a board game or something in one of their rooms.”
This was followed by the sound of Aqua rushing off someplace.
I assumed she thought we’d gone to Darkness’s room.
I heard ceramic-ware clacking in the living room; Megumin must have been sitting on the sofa and drinking some tea. All too aware of Darkness’s body heat against me, I considered what we would do next, now that we were secreted away in the cramped closet.
Humans do the dumbest things when they’re panicked.
Frankly, it would probably be worse for me if they found us now than if they’d walked in on us earlier. Why had I hidden? It wasn’t like we were doing anything wrong. I was just doing what Darkness had asked me to.
…Okay, I confess. I was pretty hot and bothered by how sexy Darkness looked when she was all tied up. Maybe it was that ugly little truth that had driven me to hide.
It was fine. Megumin, she would understand. How hard was it to imagine Darkness asking to be tied up? And as for why I was half-naked, well, at this point that was practically de rigueur for me.
…Yeah, no, this was definitely a foul.
I stuck my head close to Darkness’s and whispered in her ear. “Listen up, Darkness. This is all your fault, asking me to do weird stuff all the time! When they see us, this is going to turn ugly fast. You know that, right?”
Darkness nodded, her eyes brimming.
Come to think of it, hadn’t we been in a situation like this before?
Oh, that’s right—it was when I had snuck into Darkness’s mansion and ended up in bed with her. Hey, why did I have my hand over Darkness’s mouth right now, like I’d done that time?
“Okay, now we’re going to figure out what to do about this,” I said slowly. “I’m going to take my hand away, all right?” Then I started to take my hand off—
“Hrk?! Eeyowowowow! Wh-what the…?! Who bites somebody on the hand? Let me go! That hurts! That hurts, idiot!”
She had sunk her teeth into the hand I was removing, and it was only through smacking her with my free hand a few times that I was able to get loose.
“What the hell is wrong with you?! Look at this! You left teeth marks!” I whispered fiercely, on the verge of tears.
“…I can’t…hold it in… I have to bite something, have to sink my teeth into something…!” Darkness might as well have been a mad dog.
What in the world was she even talking about? Please tell me I wasn’t about to learn about yet another weird habit.
I was starting to think she’d been driven insane by the extremity of our plight.
The blush in her cheeks wasn’t from arousal anymore. Now she was just plain embarrassed.
“I have to go to the bathroom…”
“I told you! I told you! I said all that tea would make you wanna go!”
3
There we were in the cramped, dark closet.
Darkness, tied up beside me, was blushing. And it wasn’t from her usual excitement.
“Kazuma… K-Kazuma…! What do we do? This is bad; this is so bad! This is so incriminatingly bad…!”
Darkness was whispering and fidgeting, her upper body still restrained. I was shoved up against her in the darkness.
“This is all because you ignored my advice and kept drinking that tea! You know, I’ve thought for a long time now that you’re a pretty big idiot! What, have you got muscles for brains? There are times when you’re almost as bad as Aqua!”
That caused Darkness to grind her teeth and glare at me. It looked like she wanted to retort but had decided this wasn’t the time and was keeping her peace.
Actually, this wasn’t the best moment for me to be making trouble, either.
“Fine… I think our only choice now is to go out there and come clean. Unlike you, Megumin isn’t an excitable, short-tempered moron, so I’m sure she’ll hear us out. The best way to survive a situation like this is to face it head-on.”
“At some point you and I are going to have to have a serious talk about your opinion of me,” Darkness said. “But hold on. Um… You probably don’t realize this, but Megumin and I, we’ve talked about this and that when we’re together… Uh, the point is, if she saw me like this, it would be bad news, so let’s j-just wait a little longer!”
What exactly had they been talking about when I wasn’t around? Well, I guess Megumin had mentioned talking about me with Darkness when they were together.
“…Okay, no choice. Just a little longer, though.”
“Here, shove something in my mouth! Biting down on it will help me endure!”
I knew it would only make things look that much worse, but I went ahead and stuffed a balled-up handkerchief into Darkness’s mouth as an impromptu gag.
Then we sat in the closet and waited.
Aqua and Megumin had talked about just taking a little break, right? That meant they would get back to work if we waited long enough.
On the other side of the closet door, I could hear someone running noisily back and forth.
“I can’t find them anywhere. Ever since the festival ended, Kazuma’s doubled down on his worthless NEET-itude—but I can’t even find Darkness! She was supposed to be keeping him company.”
You’re gonna eat those words… I’m gonna do a little “renovation” on that chicken coop tonight!
Granted, I was just hanging around doing nothing every day, but calling someone worthless, that takes a lot of nerve.
“I wonder what they could be doing?” Megumin said. “With all the time on his hands, Kazuma often goes out for random walks, but for even Darkness to disappear without a word after I asked her to look after him…”
Geez, was I really such a lazy playboy in their eyes?
At that moment…
“…! …!!”
…Darkness started grunting quietly, like she was trying to communicate something. I looked at her: Stuck in this closet and trying desperately to resist nature’s call, Darkness had finally succumbed to the erotic side of it all, sweating and panting heavily.
A drop of sweat ran down the back of my neck. I would be in serious, serious trouble if they discovered me right— Erk!
“Th— The hell?! What are you doing? Don’t thrash!” I whispered to Darkness, who had suddenly started wriggling around. I pulled the handkerchief out of her mouth.
“…Hahhh! I—I can’t do it…! I thought I could hold out longer than this, but…!”
“Hang in there just a little longer! They said they were only on break! I’m sure they’ll go back to work soon!”
Being trapped in close quarters with Darkness struggling to hold it in had left us both hot and sweaty, making the situation even worse.
“Man, I told you! I told you! If we were going to go out there, we had to do it right away!”
“S-sorry…! But, but…!”
I crammed the handkerchief back in her mouth to demonstrate that I wasn’t interested in whatever else she had to say.
Earlier we might have gotten away with it, but there was no way I was letting Darkness out like this. The sweat was making her shirt stick to her skin. Even if I could somehow convince them that nothing had happened, just the fact that I had Darkness imprisoned in this condition was likely to land me in hot water.
Argh, just when I was starting to get in good with Megumin, this moron had to go and ruin everything!
It was at that moment that Darkness, apparently unable to bear it any longer, shoved violently against me and tried to make a break for it. I shoved her back down, whispering harshly in her ear, “Listen, just stay calm! If you can hold it, we can get out of this. And this is all your fault for not listening to me! So sit down and don’t move!”
Darkness closed her eyes, appearing totally resigned.
No, don’t do that! Don’t close your eyes! I remember this from when I broke into your mansion—you give up way too easily!
Panicking over the wrath I would be subjected to if we were found this way, I pulled the handkerchief out of Darkness’s mouth.
“Hey, quit it! Don’t close your eyes! Listen up, I’m gonna explain this nice and slow so that even a moron like you can understand. If you go flying out there now, I guarantee everyone is going to end up unhappy. Just imagine if Aqua sees us—she’ll crow about it to the entire Guild. ‘I can’t belieeeve it,’ she’ll say! ‘He was half-naked and she was tied up, and both of them were all sweaty and getting cozy in the closet! I’ll leave it to you to imagine what happened!’”
“Urrrghhh……”
Darkness groaned tearfully. I used a bit of my scant remaining magic to cast Freeze on my flushed head. Darkness looked jealous as I enjoyed the cool, but she didn’t deign to ask me to cast it on her, too. She seemed to understand the dangers of getting cooled off in her current circumstances.
And then, as she sat there fidgeting, she said, “…S-say, Kazuma… Would it be weird if I actually started to enjoy being tied up while trying not to wet myself?”
“I’ve got an idea: Why don’t you try to be as quiet as possible? Don’t talk unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
I leaned on the hopeless pervert as hard as I could, and meanwhile I could hear a conversation taking place on the other side of the door.
“What? Megumin, how many of those charms do you plan to make? Are you going to give Kazuma so many that his item pouch bursts?”
“No, I’m making them for everyone else. This one’s for you, and this one’s for me… And for Darkness, I’m making the sturdiest one. She is always shielding the rest of us with her body, after all.”
Darkness stopped fidgeting when she heard Megumin’s innocent words. It seemed like Darkness and I were thinking the exact same thing at that moment.
Specifically, we were thinking how desperately we wanted to avoid disappointing our dear, sweet Megumin by letting her see us like this.
Darkness whispered to me in my place above her. “…Hey, can’t we do something about this situation? Isn’t Luck your one talent? Surely you can figure something out, right?”
Gee, I appreciate the vote of confidence, but…
I started searching through the closet, barely big enough for both of us to sit down in, to see if there was anything I could make use of.
…And that was when I saw it.
Apparently, I really was lucky!
“Good news, Darkness, I’ve found the perfect thing! This will solve our number one problem!”
I showed it to her gleefully!
A juice bottle.
“…! ……!!”
“N-no, stop that! Stop head-butting me!”
I guess she didn’t like the bottle I was offering her.
“Ugh… You were the one who asked me to come up with something. Sheesh, I guess you nobles have pride if nothing else…”
I was speaking pretty nonchalantly, but Darkness’s head snapped up. “Oh, is that what you think? This has nothing to do with my pride as a noble. It’s as a woman! My pride as a woman! No one can abandon their pride! In what universe could anyone do their business in something like this, you raging pervert?!”
“In my country, some really dedicated people defending their homes used a PET bottle—something just like this.”
“?!”
While we were carrying on this ridiculous conversation, they were talking on the other side of the door, too…
“Hey, Megumin. You look pretty happy making those. It’s weirdly relaxing to watch you.” Aqua really did sound mellow.
“I am happy. These charms contain my heartfelt wish that our party members stay together forever… I’m always grateful to you, too, Aqua, you know that? I hope we never part ways.”
“M… Megumin! Aren’t you the sweetest thing?! Okay, since it looks like I’m not getting back to heaven anytime soon, maybe I’ll forget about being a goddess and just enjoy my life here! Kazuma will keep the money flowing for us somehow! It’s easy street for me! Let’s all of us just enjoy our lives in the lap of luxury!”
“Aqua, are you still talking about being a goddess and heaven and all that? Not that I mind if it means you’re going to stay with us…”
Out in the living room, it sounded like they were actually having a pretty pleasant chat.
“There’s a question I’ve always wanted to ask you, Your Perviness! How can someone with such a hot body, who works so hard to lure in every man she passes, be so uptight?! You have these incredible curves, and then you get embarrassed over the stupidest things! What’s with you? Are you a depraved sex fiend or a pure, innocent virgin? Make up your mind! I’m surprised being so lewd and so innocent at the same time doesn’t tear you apart!”
“All right, I hate to use my noble privilege, but for you I’ll make an exception! For the crime of slandering a noble, I sentence you to the maximum punishment—death!”
Darkness had been lying facedown, but now she shifted, hands still tied, so that she was looking up at me. (Let me remind you how cramped this closet was.) And then, while I had nowhere to go, she started kicking me viciously.
“Just you try it! Just you do it if you can, Young Lady! And when you can’t beat an Adventurer, the weakest class, in a one-on-one contest, will you go running to your daddy for help? Ooh, Lady Lalatina, you’re so cool!”
“You’re on! When those two leave, we’re stepping outside, and I’m gonna kill you!”
“You’re in for it now—what kind of aristocratic education did you get, kicking a person in the face? When it comes to being a noble, you’re all talk and no substance!”
“Ahhh, s-stop it! Don’t push on my stomach! I won’t be able to hold it in, and I promise I’m not the only one in here who’ll regret it!”
We completely ignored the urgency of our situation as we set about fighting in quiet voices.
Believe me, we were all too aware of how much less civilized we were than the two outside the closet.
“Hey, do you hear something? Kind of a tapping sound from somewhere?”
“You think so? I do not hear anything. Whatever, maybe we should get back to work soon. Maybe we can wrap up by dinnertime and have a barbecue or something. I’m sure Darkness and Kazuma will be back by then.”
“Great idea! Summer is the barbecue season, after all, and I want something that’ll go with a nice, cold Crimson Beer! When Kazuma and Darkness get back, let’s make them do the cooking!”
Then, still chatting amiably, Aqua and Megumin left the house.
Finally…
“You stupid meat shield! The only thing you’re good at is being sexy! I’ll teach you just how little your life is worth!”
“I’d like to see you try, you dumb coward! You wimp out at every golden opportunity! Show me what you can do, then!”
Darkness and I, forgetting all about our original objective, continued to argue in the closet even after Aqua and Megumin left the house.
Finally, I emerged huffing and puffing, somehow dragging Darkness with me.
“Damn, I can’t believe I wasted so much time in that stupid closet with you… What are we even doing…? Forget it—just go pee or whatever… I’m exhausted. I’m gonna go take a nap.”
Darkness glanced at me and saw how tired I looked. “You act like you’re the only one whose time got wasted. Fine, go sleep like the dead, you ass. When I get back from the bathroom, I’ll be just sitting quietly in my room until the effect of your Bind wears off. And listen good: When it does, that’s when I’m coming to you for a real fight. I can’t let you abuse me like this and just walk away.”
With that parting shot, she started walking toward the bathroom, the top half of her body still tied up.
…God, that woman.
Megumin, now there was a girl who knew how to use her head. Maybe I could get some of the dirt from under her fingernails to mix into Darkness’s tea. Who knows, it might do her some good.
I watched Darkness wobble her way to the bathroom, then walked to my own room on the second floor. I let out a breath of relief as I lay down on my own bed, clear of danger for the time being—and just then, there was a knock at the door.
Actually, less of a knock and more of a no-holds-barred kick.
Wondering what the hell was going on, I opened the door, looking questioningly at the person who stood there.
It was Darkness, desperate and ready to cry.
I see: She was so upset about the things she’d said earlier that she’d come to apologize. That was fine. I knew how proud she was, and our little fight didn’t bother me. She hardly needed to say she was sorry…
Darkness, though, was shifting her hips uncomfortably.
“I-I’m sorry, Kazuma…but, um…I can’t use my hands, so I can’t open the bathroom door…”
Round two!
4
The closest bathroom to my bedroom was one on the second floor. Considering the distance from the front door, we would still have some time to react if Aqua and Megumin suddenly came home again.
“Q-quick, quick, come on, hurry! I really can’t hold out much longer!” Darkness was trying to get me to hurry up, looking like she might burst into tears.
Specifically, what she wanted me to hurry up and do was open the bathroom door.
…But in light of our little argument earlier, I wanted to make her suffer a bit more.
“Oh, you are? And how exactly is that going to happen? Please spell it out for me.”
Darkness stood fidgeting and shimmying in front of the bathroom. “Y-y-y-y-y-y-you’re unbelievable…! Playing to my interests at a time like this… Will you stop at nothing to prove you’re my typ—?! Argh, fine, I’m sorry! This was all my fault, so just hurry and open the door! I can’t even enjoy this game right now!”
Now she really looked like she was going to cry, and her breaths were getting shorter and more frantic.
“Bah, fine. Hey, but you say you wanna settle this once you’ve done your business, huh…? Hrm, I don’t really like the thought of that. Doesn’t really make me want to open this door…”
Darkness glared at me as I continued to needle her.
“……Sniff……”
“Sorry, I’m sorry! Just don’t cry! Ooh, that’s no fair! You girls are such cheaters, crying like that!”
All it took was one big teardrop rolling down Darkness’s cheek to get me scrambling to open the door.
But then…
“…Forget it. I’ll just go in my pants and then cry to Megumin and Aqua about it.”
“I’m sorry! My bad, seriously! I got carried away! I apologize, so just forgive me!”
What a thing to say! Now I was the one on the verge of tears, and I backed away from the door I’d just opened.
Darkness, hands still tied, went into the bathroom, and I closed the door behind her and let out a breath.
Okay, crisis averted.
Then I heard Darkness’s weepy voice from inside. “Uh, Kazuma, my underwear! What do I do? I can’t get my underwear off like this! Oh no… Oh no, oh no… What am I gonna do…?!”
Well, now! A genuine emergency had just given me the best excuse anyone could ask for.
“Right, I hear you; just leave it to me. I’ll get those underpants off for you,” I said, opening the door again.
But Darkness quickly exclaimed, “Hey, wait! …Ugh, dammit, I guess there’s no choice… Listen, Kazuma, at least draw the curtain over the little window on the door! That’ll make it a bit darker…!”
Fair enough.
But…
“I’m so, so sorry, but I do have the Second Sight skill…”
“Arrrrrrrrgh, why do you have to be so stupid and filthy and useful?! But also thank you for always being there when I need you!”
Darkness, now in a certifiable panic, started crying on the one hand and thanking me desperately on the other.
She must really have been close to her limit.
Then, suddenly, her face lit up as if she’d had an idea.
“Steal! That’s the answer! Kazuma, use Steal on me from the other side of the door! Since your Steal skill is essentially the pinnacle of sexual harassment, I’m confident you’ll be able to Steal my panties! Since you’re going to see them anyway, this is a lot better than having you reach under my skirt to pull them down!”
I had to hand it to her. That was a pretty good idea.
But…
“Between that full-power Bind I put on you earlier and the Freeze spell I used in the closet, I’m out of MP.”
“I take back what I said about you always coming through for me! Argh, arrrgh, arrrrghhh………!!”
In the end, I pulled her underwear down just the tiniest bit, and Darkness managed the rest in the bathroom by herself, using the wall. The scraping sound I heard coming from in there was really annoying, but I decided there was no reason for me to stick around anyway.
But then, just as I was about to leave the scene…
“K-Kazuma! Kazuma, don’t go yet! I can’t…! I can’t get it out…!” She sounded truly pained.
Well, uh, not much I could do there. Had she screwed up her body somehow by holding it in for so long?
Wait, I knew what I could do to help…!
I started clapping out a simple rhythm. “You can do it, Dark-ness! You can do it, Dark-ness!” I chanted.
“Wh-what? No, you idiot! The paper! I can’t get the toilet paper off the roll!”
Oh, so that was the problem.
In this world, old rags or rough, recycled paper were used to wipe once the deed was done. Paper as such was a valuable commodity around here, so only the richest among this world’s inhabitants used real toilet paper.
I wasn’t sure what she intended to do with the toilet paper considering she couldn’t use her hands, but nonetheless, I called out, “Okay, I’m going to open this up!”
“Pray tell, what exactly is it that you intend to open?”
Aqua and Megumin were standing by the bathroom door. When had they gotten there?
“…Goodness, you are truly a fool… After all the time we’ve known one another, you think I would misunderstand what was going on in that situation?”
It turned out that a quick explanation was enough to settle any misunderstandings, and all I had to put up with was this exasperated remark from Megumin.
I wished my other housemates would learn a thing or two from her intelligence and how quickly she understood.
Darkness, looking at Megumin and trying to make herself as small as possible, whispered, “Errgh… I can never face you again…”
“But also,” Megumin added, offering charms to Darkness and then to Aqua, “also, daily commotions like this make us feel more like…us.”
Then she smiled, apparently genuinely happy. Darkness and I couldn’t help but smile in return…
This delightful, soothing atmosphere was, as usual, shattered by Aqua, who couldn’t read a room to save her life.
“By the way,” she said, “did you make it in time, Darkness?”
You know, I’d been wondering the same thing.
5
That night.
“She’s still not here…”
Megumin had said she would come to my room tonight, so I was waiting with bated breath. I had splurged and gotten Aqua some expensive wine to keep her out of our hair. As for Darkness, I’d bought some especially pricey manatite, hit her with the Bind to end all Binds, and left her flopping around in her room. She had been blushing and shouting something weird about wanting to know how much she owed me for the experience; anyway, I figured she wouldn’t be going anywhere till morning.
So there I was, waiting anxiously, when a hesitant knock came at the door.
“Kazuma, you there?”
“Oh, y-yeah! I’m here—c’mon in!”
I was afraid my voice might crack with nervousness, but Megumin sounded like she was in the same boat.
She came in, gulping and clutching Chomusuke to her chest (the poor thing was totally immobilized) like a pillow.
“Th-thanks. Gee, I think this is the first time I’ve ever visited your room at this hour, Kazuma.”
“Uh, oh yeah! And here we’ve been living in the same house for more than a year!”
Megumin refused to cut right to the chase; instead, she looked wonderingly around my room. It was all well and good for her to be interested in my decor, but I was afraid she might find the thing I’d stashed on the top shelf of my closet, so I hoped she would stay out of there.
Megumin, seeming restless, looked at the floor and didn’t talk.
For a while, neither of us said anything, each feeling a little sour.
“The reason I’m here so late is to talk about that thing I said I wanted to tell you…” Finally, Megumin seemed to screw up her courage, hugging Chomusuke even tighter.
She was oblivious to the weary Chomusuke and red to her ears, and her crimson eyes were sparkling…!
“The thing I want to tell you is…”
“Yes? The thing you want to tell me is what?!” My gulp was probably downright audible, and I leaned in without quite meaning to.
“K-Kazuma, you’re so close! Hang on a second; you don’t have to get so worked up!”
“I’m not worked up—and anyway, who cares how close we are; just make with the confession!” I urged her.
“What I want to tell you is… Y-yes! It’s a-about this creature here!” Megumin said, holding out Chomusuke…
“……What?”
“I’ve been dying to confess to you about what she really is!”
Now, just a…!
“You must be kidding, you obnoxious, deceptive little—! You guys are always calling me buffoonish or too stupid for my own good or Chicken Nanban or whatever, but you aren’t exactly the smoothest operator I’ve ever met!”
“Ch-chicken what? I never said that! And I’m telling you the truth—I really do want to confess about Chomusuke!”
“Liar! Megumin, you liar! I guarantee you came here to say something hotter than that! That’s what I was expecting!”
Megumin, her face now completely red, thrust Chomusuke at me defiantly. “I’ve kept quiet about it all this time, but this cat is not just a cat.”
“No shit! I’ve seen her breathing fire and flying and whatever else!”
“…What are you talking about? She isn’t a cat, but she can’t breathe fire or fly, I assure you.”
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times—I’ve seen it! Stop that—don’t look at me with that sort of pity in your eyes! Argh, just forget about that for now!”
Yes! The important thing wasn’t the secret identity of some cat—it was what was going on in Megumin’s heart.
“Look, isn’t there anything else you want to confess?! Get your courage up now and just say it!”
“Errgh…”
Megumin was backing away toward the door, but for every step she took, I took one forward.
“Come on, out with it! Hell, you’ve half said it already! You told me you like me or love me or whatever!”
“I haven’t yet said I love you! Don’t put words in my mouth!!” Megumin, cornered, looked at me with her eyes flashing even redder than her face; she looked like she wanted to say something, but then she stopped.
Finally, she gave Chomusuke an extra squeeze and said, “Just think of what you did with Darkness this afternoon—you have no integrity! You can sleep with Chomusuke tonight!” she yelled, and then she dashed out of my room.
Geez, earlier she’d acted like it was no big deal. Had it really been bothering her all this time?
The way she emphasized “sleep with Chomusuke”—could I take that to mean there’d been a possibility of sleeping with someone other than Chomusuke?
Hey, and for that matter…!
“There you go acting all high and mighty agaaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnn!”
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