Kumo Desu ga, Nani ka? (LN) - Volume 12 - Chapter 1.07

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Merazophis

I have to get stronger to protect the young miss.

How long has it been since I made that resolution?

Along the way, I somehow gained the position of Fourth Commander of the demon army.

I’m sure it’s primarily because I’m an acquaintance of the Demon Lord.

But in spite of my becoming their commander due to that connection, the Fourth Army has been loyally following my orders.

To them, I am just an unknown man who showed up with the Demon Lord and suddenly became their leader.

They would be well within their rights to doubt me. I am not even a demon but a vampire.

I have been hiding that truth and living as a demon, so I am sure even my identity is still a mystery to them.

So I feel nothing but gratitude to my men for treating me as their commander nonetheless.

Technically, I did need to put in the work to earn this position.

Originally, the Fourth Army was commanded by Sir Balto.

However, he was so busy with his work that his younger brother, Sir Bloe, was generally in charge.

I joined the Fourth Army under Sir Bloe’s command and quickly worked my way up the ranks.

When Sir Bloe became the official commander of a different army, everyone remaining moved up a rank, myself included.

From then on, my rank continued to go up, and by the time Sir Balto officially retired from his post as commander to focus on his political responsibilities, the Demon Lord Lady Ariel personally appointed me as the new commander.

It’s open knowledge that Lady Ariel brought me to the demon territory.

Thus, I imagined that many people would object to a newcomer becoming commander so quickly.

But to my surprise, there were no complaints from either the other commanders or the rank and file of the Fourth Army.

I thought it strange, but Lady Ariel simply smiled.

“You really don’t give yourself enough credit, Merazophis,” she said.

And, “There’s nobody more qualified to be a commander than you.”

Although Lady Ariel claims I do not give myself enough credit, it is my belief that she gives me far too much.

The truth is, I am nothing more than a humble servant.

Even if I’ve been reborn with the unusual race of a vampire, my fundamental nature has not changed.

For an ordinary human such as myself to become a vampire, there is little change other than gaining a bit more power.

And even that is nothing more than strength borrowed from the young miss, who is a Progenitor vampire.

It does not reflect any excellence on my part.

But when I said all this, Lady Ariel simply warned me: “Too much modesty just comes off as obnoxious, you know.”

…The truth is, I know she’s right.

With my power, I am more than capable of being a commander.

Those around me are simply accurately gauging my value.

But there is a part of me that does not want to admit this.

For most, I imagine being valued highly would be cause for celebration, not denial.

But there is a reason that I feel I must react in such a way.

I am afraid of letting myself get too comfortable.

Many things have gone wrong in this life of mine.

Of course, I’m sure many people feel the same way.

Like countless others, I ran into quite a few obstacles as an ordinary person.

The first of these was unrequited love.

The woman who I served, now the deceased mother of my young mistress.

As her servant, I fell in love with her, a love that was doomed to failure.

She was already loved and in love with her fiancé, who of course was the young mistress’s father.

Given my position, and out of respect for their relationship, naturally I could not act on my feelings, and so the curtain fell on my first love.

And the next great obstacle I encountered was their deaths.

My love would never be fulfilled, but I wanted the woman I loved to be happy, at the very least.

Thus I served her, and eventually her husband as well.

And yet, both their lives were taken in an act of senseless violence.

I still feel deep hatred toward the Church of the Word of God, who backed them into a corner, and most of all Potimas, who took their lives with his very own hand.

But I was not strong enough.

I did not have enough power to save them.

These two are the biggest obstacles I have been unable to overcome, but I have encountered a great deal of smaller ones, too.

Many times have I stumbled due to my lack of ability and lamented my own incompetence.

In short, I have spent my life running into one insurmountable barrier after the next.

Thus, I am unaccustomed to being respected by those around me.

My lord found me dependable, but hardly in any manner that earned me a reputation.

I have never been given a role such as commander that puts me in charge of many others, nor have I ever been assessed as someone worthy of such a role.

That was why I was afraid that such high praise would go to my head, tempting me to rest on my laurels.

What if I start to feel that this is good enough?

That I’ve worked hard enough already?

I am still not nearly strong enough.

I decided long ago to dedicate this life of mine to the young miss, so it’s all the more important that I am ready to protect her from danger.

But her enemies are terribly powerful, and such meager strength as mine cannot shield her from them.

Potimas, the leader of the elves.

The Word of God religion, who drove my lord and lady to their deaths.

Both are far too powerful for me to do anything about alone.

But still, I must hone myself so that I can at least begin to resist them.

I never wish to experience again the powerlessness I felt when I lost my lord and lady.

And yet, it is difficult not to lose heart.

I am an ordinary person.

No matter how hard I might struggle, I can never reach the strength I desire.

I know the incredibly powerful people around me are rare and exceptional, but I am still ashamed that I cannot muster even a fraction of their power.

And what is hardest of all for me to accept is that the young miss, whom I am supposed to protect, is quickly leaving me behind.

The young miss has grown a great deal.

She was but a baby when we resided in Sariella, and still only an infant when we journeyed to the demon realm, so I thought she would remain a child even after we arrived.

But now, the young miss is beginning to grow into a beautiful young woman, resembling her mother.

When I was still human, an elderly person once told me that children grow up fast.

I thought the young miss was still a child, but she started to climb the stairs to adulthood before I even realized it.

Not only in her appearance but in strength, too.

The young miss is already so powerful that I could not hope to match her.

I am far weaker than the person I am meant to protect.

That knowledge weighs heavily on my heart.

And when I see how much she’s exceeded me, so far that I can never catch up no matter how much effort I devote, a part of me is tempted to give up on moving forward at all.

I am a coward.

Truly, a pathetic coward.

Even if I cannot reach her—no, especially because I know I cannot reach her—I must not stop striving for greater heights, or the gap between us will only grow more.

Even now, when I’m running with all my might, the gap is already widening.

So I must not allow the praise and acknowledgment of others to dampen my resolve and commitment.

I cannot content myself with the way things are.

I absolutely must not stop trying to catch up to her.

Even if an ordinary person like me can never catch up no matter how hard I might try, I still cannot stop walking forward.

Coward though I am, I must always stay steady.

Especially after what I just experienced.

“I still have a ways to go.”

After our retreat, I admonish myself back at the camp.

I failed.

My wounds have already closed up. They were light to begin with.

If I kept fighting, I likely could have won.

But I am the one who decided to retreat.

I gave up on victory and chose failure of my own volition.

Because the sun was out, the weakness of vampires such as myself.

Because there were several reincarnations among our opponents.

Because the other adventurers were stronger than I expected, and my army was being pushed back.

Yes, I can think of any number of excuses.

But that does not change the fact that I failed.

I was fighting the reincarnations who were survivors of the clan I’d destroyed with my own two hands long ago.

That young boy and girl have grown quite strong.

Not nearly to the extent of other reincarnations like my young mistress and Wrath, but those two are likely far beyond the realm of the ordinary. I believe the pair I fought today was still quite formidable.

I could not completely defeat them.

Since they are reincarnations, I knew I was supposed to hold back so I wouldn’t kill them—but the truth is, I wasn’t holding back.

I fought to the best of my ability, but I still couldn’t bring them down.

My stats and skills alike were unquestionably superior, but somehow, they still held their own against me.

The boy’s swordsmanship was skilled, his footwork sharp and precise.

Even his blinking and breathing were methodical.

He used the powers of his magic sword at just the right moments, never leaving an opening for me to exploit.

The young girl was perfectly in sync with the boy, too.

She managed to constantly pressure me with a hail of attack magic without ever getting in the boy’s way.

The way she wove her spells was smooth and flawless, and they were quite powerful.

Truly, I cannot help but envy their natural talent.

I have no such thing myself.

Each swing of my sword is unsteady, and my command of magic is laughable.

To cover my shortcomings, I train without rest.

I practice swinging my sword over and over in a desperate attempt to steady my hands.

I cast one spell after another, hoping the next will come together more smoothly.

Repetition, repetition, repetition.

And if I finally manage to pull it off perfectly, it’s merely the product of dogged practice, not talent.

But if I cannot do as well in live combat as in practice, it is all for naught.

I cannot stand still in battle, like I do when I practice my swings.

If I pause in the middle of fighting to construct a spell, I only make myself a tempting target.

So I practice while moving around, as well.

Once I started doing that, I simply became even more aware of my lack of talent.

I stumble. I falter.

There is nothing to do but correct these failings.

To take another step forward, to start over.

Even if I sometimes take a step backward and must start over yet again.

Those with natural talent may find it easy to handle such things, but it is not so simple for me.

My only choice is to keep practicing until these things are second nature and carve the memory of every action into my body.

But even that is difficult for me.

On occasion, I’ll manage a sword swing that I’m satisfied with.

But other times, I cannot re-create it no matter how many times I try.

Sometimes, I can do something perfectly one day but not the next.

As I test things out, there are even occasions when I can’t cast a spell correctly.

All this experience doesn’t necessarily add up to progress.

I’m sure the truly strong, like Lady White or the young miss, cannot relate to such struggles.

Since they are constantly moving forward, they know not what it is for an ordinary person to stumble, stop, or even slide backward.

“Why can’t you do this?”

They have no idea how cruel those words can be.

I’ve finally reached the point where I can wield my sword and magic simultaneously, but not yet to the point where I can seamlessly shift from one movement to the next.

If something unexpected happens, my reaction is inevitably delayed.

I am sure the likes of my mistress or Lady White would never fail to make a snap decision in such situations.

Simply another thing that illustrates the difference between those with talent and those without.

I only managed to retain the upper hand in this most recent battle because my stats and skills were simply higher.

Because I lack any talent myself, it is easy for me to identify: The reincarnation boy and girl have both been blessed with far more natural ability than myself.

Their capacity to hold their own in a fight against me, even though I was theoretically stronger, is proof enough of that.

Quite worrying.

Today’s battle ended with only minor injuries, but who knows how the same engagement might turn out in a few years’ time?

The difference in our natural abilities will translate into differing rates of growth.

If people make the same amount of effort over the same time, the ones with more talent will grow more.

Thus my only choice is to work even harder to close that gap, but time moves at the same rate for everyone and waits for none.

The amount of time one can spend training is limited, too, which is one of the few cases in which the playing field is even regardless of one’s natural talent.

Even so, life is still unfair.

Compared to those of us without talent, who must make more effort, those with talent are given the same amount of time to make as much effort as they choose.

I know it is no use to bemoan things I do not have.

And yet, I cannot help thinking, If only I had some talent…

The thought never fails to drag me down.

Perhaps that just goes to show how big of a shock this most recent loss was to me.

To calm myself down, I examine my stats with Appraisal.

And in my skill column, I see the word Perseverance.

Perseverance…a skill that Lady White once had.

It is one of a small amount of special skills known as ruler skills.

I do not know why one as lowly as myself would be given such a skill.

But I admit, it does seem fitting.

All I know how to do is persevere.

For one such as myself, without natural talent, there is no other way.