Kuzu to Kinka no Qualidea - Volume 1 - Chapter 8.10

Yuu-5

As soon as we snuck in the front entrance, our bodies stiffened.

The light from the streetlamps came through the doorway, revealing a sea of shoes. Boots, loafers, slippers, sneakers, court shoes, gym shoes… An unusual amount of shoes were scattered across the narrow entranceway. Did a centipede live here? Could it be that Kuriu-sensei’s human form was some kind of gimmick? I’d always thought that her proportions were way too different from that of regular humans. It would come as no surprise if she wasn’t human.

“The hell is this…?”

Haruma-san scowled as he pulled on the door of the shoe box, causing another one or two shoes to fall to the floor.

“…There was a Filipino President’s wife who collected shoes. Marcos… Reverend Marcos X?”

“Close enough. Haruma-san, I advise you not to carelessly touch those shoes with your bare hands,” I reprimanded him in a hushed tone as I put on some worn-out cotton gloves.

When I ran my eyes down Haruma-san’s shoes, they seemed to be a brand new early summer model. Judging by how he had purchased his shoes from a mass seller, I could see that he did not necessarily have a lover. I gave this matter some thought, and then picked up the shoes and pointed up the hallway.

“The police are rather strict these days, so you’d best stay vigilant.”

“…So what is your occupation, may I ask? Could it be that you have an interest in something other than being a loan shark, ma’am?” Haruma-san cracked a joke, although now was not the time for it.

Just from closing the door, the lights cut off. A tense silence returned to the room.

In the depths of the hallway, where it was impossible to see one inch ahead, a thick and swirling darkness pervaded. A primal fear etched deep into my very being hovered in the background.

“Haruma-san, your hand.”

“Hm?”

“Flashlight. Swiss Army knife. Gauze. Chloroform. Stun gun.”

I put out my hand numerous times, but I never received a single thing that I sought. Haruma-san was merely standing stock still.

“…If you didn’t bring a single magic tool, what did you even come for? Have you no sense of self as a magician?”

“M-M-M-M-M-M-MAGIC? Sure, I use magic. Don’t underestimate me.”

“Hmm? Haruma-san, sometimes you tremble at the oddest things… Is there something you find unpleasant about magic?”

“…Don’t worry. It was just a reference (1).”

“I don’t quite understand, but don’t be disheartened. There’s plenty of time before you turn thirty and this and that happens (2).”

“You really don’t get it, do you?”

We whispered to each other as we carefully lit up our feet with our smartphone apps. We relied on that to stealthily advance forward.

On a side note, I know that stealth is important, but what about the advancing part? The idea of us two wannabe magicians coming in the darkness sounded an awful lot like sexual harassment, Haruma-san. I will whip out a note from his wallet and replace it with a receipt. Yoink.

Quietly, we opened and shut each door, observing the layout of the house. The kitchen, bathroom, washroom and so on were concentrated in the wet area to the right, while the wall to the left stretched on further. From the house’s outward appearance, one would have thought that the right-hand side would have had more space, but I could not detect a passageway on the left-hand side that would make it easy to come and go. It brought to mind a giant partition in a submarine or the painted cage of a prison.

“…”

I even thought I heard a sobbing voice on the other side of the wall. Of course, to me it was the sound of a shaking willow or something like that. I don’t have a shred of belief in unscientific nonsense such as urban legends or the occult, so I was not one bit afraid of any ghosts.

“Since we’ve gotten this far, we may as well walk in single file.”

“Huh, why?”

Because I am tired of being his equal, you see. Haruma-san was ahead while I stayed behind him. The vanguard and the rearguard. A horse and a rider. A bullet and a gang leader. A tail and a lizard. That sort of thing.

“Um, it’s hard to walk…”

Unfortunately, Haruma-san frowned as if he was rather afraid of the dark, so I pressed my body against his back. I yanked his shirt sleeve so vigorously that he might never be able to wear it again, and I was determined never to let go no matter what transpired. Good, that should put Haruma-san at ease. My goodness, he was such a scaredy-cat. It will be all right, my dear. There, there.

“—Stop.”

“Eeeeek—?!”

All of a sudden, a hand came up in front of my eyes. I was so astonished that my soul slipped out of me. As a shriek escaped my lips, a large hand clamped over my mouth. When I protested, the hand covered my mouth even more, sucking me in. So it was true that humans are more frightening than ghosts. I yielded to him, thoroughly at my wits’ end.

“…Over there.”

Haruma-san was thrusting his chin down the hallway at the door to the right.

Could it be that someone was there? I could hear low bass notes passing through the slight gap in the door. Or was that the sound of my heart? I could not tell the difference. I had to make haste and stop my heart. I also had to come back to life and stop the person next to me.

I could hear the sound of Haruma-san gulping.

Of all things, he poised himself to enter the room with almost no hesitation. Without a stun gun or chloroform, it was as if he was standing up against his foes like a human centipede in a prison.

This was all most certainly peculiar. He possessed neither miracles nor magic. If something happened to Haruma-san’s body, what would I do? I wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I lost Haruma-san. He ought to at least have a third-party contract with an insurance teller.

“I found the switch. I’m turning it on.”

“Waitwaitwaitwaitwait!”

As my panic switch turned on, so did the electric lights.

Inside was a room large enough to fit six tatami mats. There was ivory-themed wallpaper and carpet, as well as a matching wardrobe and the vague outline of a dressing table. In the very centre of the room was an ebony sideboard and a bed… wait, a bed?

The bed was not made of wood. It was not hooked up with pipes either. There was not even a mattress or a quilt; it was simply made of cloth.

Short, frilly, easily contracted, fragile, in dire need of repair, and certainly not normally seen in a place such as this—it was a pile of regular underwear. The sheer volume of bras and panties made a small mountain.

And stretched out in the middle of it all was Kuriu-sensei. Sensei, who had been sleeping soundly, appeared to have been stirred by the light, because she rubbed her eyes repeatedly with the cloth of a nearby bra.

Then, at long last, she slowly opened her eyes.

“Mmm, who is it? Shia…? Didn’t I tell you not to barge i—”

The moment Kuriu-sensei’s eyes fell on us, her mouth and eyes widened in a flash, and I could see her throat constricting.

Also, I could see that instead of a nightcap, she was donning a pair of panties. What on earth?

TRANSLATOR’S NOTES

(1) He quotes Final Fantasy VI, specifically the scene when Locke first sees Terra using magic.

(2) According to a certain Japanese internet meme, people who remain virgins past the age of 30 will become wizards.