Majo no Tabitabi - Volume 9 - Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

The Giants’ Kitchen

I am always very direct about my feelings, a characteristic that I think I probably picked up from my teacher, Miss Fran.

I certainly never suggested out loud that I would like to travel together with her, yet there we were, flying on our brooms, heading in the same direction.

The plains below us, mostly flat and empty except for a few small, squat shrubs, seemed to stretch on forever. The green grass below swayed with the wind like ocean waves, as the sound of a refreshing breeze came out of nowhere and blew between and past us.

I wish I could keep flying through this scenery forever.

I turned this thought over in my mind as I listened to the lonely sound of the wind.

“Elaina?”

Just then, Miss Fran spoke up.

She was wearing her usual kind smile.

“Aren’t you getting a little hungry? Come to think of it, I haven’t eaten anything since this morning. I don’t really care what it is, but I’d like to eat something; how about you? Aren’t you getting hungry? Shall we take a little break?”

“……”

Miss Fran’s inelegant words ruined the moment.

I let out a sigh. “Well, you should be able to find plenty of weeds to eat, don’t you think?”

“My, my. You can’t be serious about me eating weeds, or anything of the sort. Who do you think I am?”

“My teacher, Miss Fran.”

“That’s right, I’m your teacher, Miss Fran. And by the way, isn’t it true that pupils typically treat their teachers to meals as a show of gratitude?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about.”

“It’s common knowledge.”

Mm-hm, sure… This common knowledge certainly wasn’t known to me.

“Anyway, I’m in the mood to have you treat me to something, Elaina.”

“You say some really absurd things when you’re in one of your moods…”

But, well, we’re together for the first time in a while, so it would be easy enough to treat her to a meal.

“Won’t you treat me to something tasty?”

She sure is persistent, this teacher of mine.

With a sigh, I said, “All right,” then with a smile, I added, “If I can even find anything edible around here, that is.”

We were in the middle of a journey.

There was nothing but grass and trees as far as the eye could see. Even if there was anything to toss into Miss Fran’s bottomless pit of a stomach, the only things growing around us were weeds and acorns.

I guess she’s requesting a dish of weeds. When did Miss Fran start liking weird food, I wonder?

“Oh-hoh-hoh.” Miss Fran laughed at my words and smiled boldly, as if to say she had been waiting for this moment. “You said you would, right? You said you would treat me, didn’t you?”

“I did say that, but…”

…But so what?

“Well then, I’d like to take you up on that.”

“But, Miss Fran, there’s nothing here…”

There’s not a cook in the world who works with only grass and flowers and acorns. Even if I wanted to treat her, there was no place to spend my money, and even if I was going to do the cooking, there weren’t any proper ingredients.

But Miss Fran, full of confidence, said, “No, no, Elaina, take a good look at your surroundings. There is grass, there are flowers, and there are acorns, right?”

“……”

“That should be plenty.”

“……”

When did Miss Fran start liking weird food, I wonder?

“No, no, really, there’s a great restaurant just up ahead. Really, there is. Have I ever once lied to you, Elaina? I haven’t, have I? Wait, I have…? No, I have no memory of that… I don’t think I have? At least, that’s not how I remember things. No lies, not from me. Anyway, there really is a tasty restaurant, I’m telling you…”

On and on.

Miss Fran pushed through the small forest, dragging me along behind her. As we proceeded, she kept grabbing flowers, acorns, and weeds from the side of the path and shoving them into my pockets for some reason.

“…I really doubt we’ll find a restaurant in a place like this…”

“It’s here. I know it is. It’s a hidden gem, a real well-kept secret.” As she said this, Miss Fran pointed to a spot in the trees farther on. “See, look over there.”

“……”

There was, in fact, a cottage, standing right there.

It looked like it had been used as someone’s vacation home a long time ago. The wooden walls and roof were falling apart, and I got the impression that it wasn’t so much a restaurant as a private residence. That is, if anyone lived there, which seemed unlikely, given the poor state of the place. It looked altogether abandoned.

No matter how I looked at it, it didn’t appear to be a restaurant.

However, near the front door, there was a single sign.

It read THE GIANTS’ KITCHEN in big block letters.

“……”

I looked at Miss Fran. “Um, is this place…legit?”

“It is. This restaurant operates all year; they never close. Look, the sign says, ‘Open for Business’ today as always, right?”

“I feel like maybe they should take a day off, though…”

Well, that’s not really my problem. What is worrying is the fact that the place looks like it might collapse at any moment. Is this even safe?

“This place is like a little hideaway in the woods.”

“More like it’s just a house, hidden in the woods.”

“Restaurants like this always serve the tastiest food, in contrast to how they appear. That’s what it means to be a well-kept secret.”

“It looks too well kept. I don’t see signs of anyone else…”

“But it’s always delicious,” Miss Fran said as she forcefully pulled me inside. “Well, shall we go in? It really is wonderful, you know. You won’t regret this! Come on.”

“……”

I had a bad feeling about the place…

As we made our way inside, I hoped to myself that perhaps it was only the outside of this restaurant called The Giants’ Kitchen that was so run-down, and that the inside might be clean and well kept instead. I was trying to be somewhat optimistic, but I figured that probably wasn’t the case.

It was not a surprise to see that the inside was just as dilapidated as the outside. I figured that a restaurant that isn’t inclined to keep up the outside isn’t likely to keep just the interior in good order.

There wasn’t even a proprietor around when we passed through the front door.

Welcome to The Giants’ Kitchen. You must be tired. Please remove your footwear.

The front door opened into a small room. The only welcome was these words, carved into the door on the opposite wall.

It was clear that the custom in this restaurant was to remove one’s shoes. I had visited a number of countries to date that upheld the same custom, so it didn’t bother me. Miss Fran and I both took off our shoes and tossed them into a shoe box that was sitting off to the side.

But when we passed through that door, we didn’t see the restaurant, just a wall with some hangers on it.

Your clothing may get dirty during your stay. Please leave any baggage here before entering. Customers wearing coats and hats, please remove them.

“Miss Fran, what is this?”

“We might as well go with the flow. Let’s follow the unique rules of this restaurant.”

She was already removing her cloak as she spoke.

“…Sigh…”

If that’s the rule, I guess I’ll follow it. Though I have absolutely no idea why on earth they would set up all these doors like this…

After we had both removed our cloaks and hats, Miss Fran and I opened the door in front of us.

But…

Our deepest apologies, but our restaurant is very sensitive to smell. Before opening the next door, please apply a spritz of perfume.

Apparently, the proprietor of this restaurant was a very fussy individual, despite the shabby appearance of the place.

In front of the door was a small stand, with a bottle of perfume sitting on it bearing a label that read HELP YOURSELF.

“Miss Fran, what is this?”

“Just go with the flow…”

“…Again?”

With an experienced hand, Miss Fran sprayed herself with the perfume. A sweet, fruity aroma filled the air. I impatiently wondered when on earth we might be getting some food. In contrast, Miss Fran seemed incredibly calm. It wasn’t at all clear who had invited whom for a meal.

I had to ask.

“Miss Fran, I’d like to ask you something before we go any further.”

“Yes?”

“This isn’t one of those weird theme restaurants, where we’re going to end up getting cooked by giants or something, is it?”

“Oh-hoh-hoh!”

“Would you mind answering my question instead of laughing at me?”

I narrowed my eyes intently, and Miss Fran smiled.

“You’ll get your answer after we open the next door…,” she said as she pushed the door open.

Cautiously, I followed my teacher through.

We had been made to remove our shoes and our cloaks and relinquish our baggage. On top of that, we’d had to spray ourselves with some strange-smelling perfume. I wondered what on earth we might be compelled to order after we got inside.

To be perfectly honest—and I hate admitting this—but as reluctant as I was to proceed, I was getting a little bit curious about this strange restaurant.

“……”

But the place had seemingly already outwitted me.

As we opened this door, I half expected to find another small room waiting for us. But instead, there was a completely ordinary dining room.

In short, we had finally arrived inside the restaurant.

“Sorry for the delay, Elaina.” Miss Fran chuckled pleasantly. “This is The Giants’ Kitchen.”

I was surprised by how quiet the interior was. There was no greeting from any staff or anything. It was utterly still.

Actually…

“Um, I don’t see the owner…”

Inside the cramped restaurant was a single table with a set of chairs around it, and a kitchen in the back. That was it. It looked less like a restaurant and more like a typical kitchen you’d find in a private home.

The proprietor must have expected us. They had left cookies for the two of us sitting on the table.

“Miss Fran, what is this?”

I stared at the cookies as I took a seat. They were displayed neatly on a plate, and they were all long, thin rectangles, a strange shape for cookies.

“That’s our appetizer,” she answered without hesitation as she sat down across from me.

“Uh-huh…”

I don’t really understand what’s going on, but if nothing else, this does not, in fact, appear to be a restaurant where giants prepare dishes using humans as ingredients.

“By the way, I don’t see any sign of these giants,” I said as I picked up a cookie and snapped it in half.

“……”

But Miss Fran didn’t give me any kind of answer; she just covered her mouth with one hand and started shaking with silent laughter.

“…What’s wrong?”

“…Oh, nothing…”

“…Sigh…”

As I munched on my cookie, I tilted my head questioningly at my teacher, who was behaving quite strangely.

“So where are the giants?” I inquired again.

After catching her breath, Miss Fran replied, “The giants are already here.”

Effective today, I will be assuming responsibility as record keeper, in place of Liscia, who succumbed to insanity after the battle a few days ago.

The job of the record keeper is not easy. I must always be on the front lines, in order to record our battles against the giants. By no means can I condemn Liscia for losing heart. From the moment one assumes this post, a record keeper is constantly fighting to keep hold of their mind.

So it’s not like I can complain.

Besides, I’m sure that the captain has it even worse than a new recruit like me. Our leader has had to constantly throw the troops under her command into battle against the giants ever since the day we took up this position.

“Are you getting used to your job as record keeper, Acre?”

The captain looked at me as she surveyed the fortress that was being repaired after the previous battle with the giants. Her features were hearty and healthy, and she was a strong, dignified woman.

“Captain…”

“What is it?”

“I just assumed the position of record keeper today, so I’m not used to this crap at all.”

“You’ve got a mouth on you, Acre.”

“Always have, ma’am. Get used to it.”

“It’ll take me a while to get used to it…”

“Same goes for my job as record keeper, ma’am.”

There’s nothing to do but get over it. Hopefully I’ll have time to get used to the job.

“Captain! There’s trouble!” one of the sentries called, looking suddenly grim.

I had a bad feeling.

“…What is it?”

The captain’s face changed, too. The air suddenly became tense.

After catching her breath for a moment, the sentry announced, “Giants have invaded our fortress!”

It looked like I wasn’t going to get any time to get used to my new job after all, or have the chance to get to know the captain better.

“What did you say…?! Impossible, it’s too soon…! It hasn’t even been a week since we withstood the last attack!”

A giant had invaded our fortress just a few days earlier. There were no formal records, since Liscia had lost her wits in the middle of the battle, but I had heard that the casualties were considerable.

And now our enemy had appeared again. We hadn’t even had a chance to recover from the previous attack.

We were as shocked as you would expect.

But the captain was calm. “Describe the enemy. We’ll deal with them immediately. What are we up against?”

“It’s”—the lookout faltered as she answered—“the same giant as before…”

“…What was that?”

“The black-haired giant that attacked us last time has come back to attack again…!”

“I see…back for revenge?”

“That’s not all!” The lookout raised his voice again.

Then she reported the dreadful truth to the captain, whose expression had stiffened slightly.

“She brought a friend…!”

“What…?”

It wasn’t that she had failed to hear the guard’s words. She couldn’t believe it.

“This time the giant has brought a companion with her…! There is another female giant by her side, this one with gray hair!”

Two giants had shown up at once. As far as I could remember, this was the first time that had ever happened. What’s more, one of them was known to us as the “black devil,” the horrible creature who had broken the previous record keeper’s sanity.

“I see… It seems that devil means to slaughter us in earnest…”

The captain stubbornly feigned composure. But I dutifully recorded the fact that a single bead of sweat rolled down her cheek.

Our fortress has multiple layers of traps set up as anti-giant measures. These are our unique means of combat, devised over a long history of battling giants.

Our tactics are always evolving.

Welcome to The Giants’ Kitchen. You must be tired. Please remove your footwear.

The first trap is set up right after they open the first door, to get them to take their footwear off. The giants are deceived by our polite wording and heedlessly remove their shoes.

Sure enough, the two giants had taken off their shoes.

“Heh-heh-heh…these devils never learn. They obediently removed their shoes this time as well…!”

The captain’s face relaxed once she had verified from a distance that the devils had both removed their shoes. The first tactic was a success.

Your clothing may get dirty during your stay. Please leave any baggage here before entering. Customers wearing coats and hats may remove those as well.

The most formidable thing about facing down a giant is the thickness of the clothing they cover themselves with. We don’t know for sure just what technology is employed to make such garments, but there can be no doubt about the fact that they get in our way. Therefore, we trick the giants into removing their outer garments before entering our fortress.

The stupid black-haired giant had fallen for that trick once again, and her companion with the ash-colored hair had imitated her. Despite their size, giants are significantly inferior to us in terms of intellect.

Our deepest apologies, but our restaurant is very scent-conscious. Before opening the next door, please apply a spritz of perfume.

That was writing on the last door they’d passed through, and of course, this, too, was a piece of strategy. The giants have very keen noses. They are able to sense our presence by scent alone, so the perfume disguises our smell and keeps them from detecting us.

“Our total victory is assured in this battle, isn’t that right, Captain?”

All I felt was absolute admiration for the captain’s brilliant planning. As long as we had our strategies in place, which had performed perfectly to date, we could surely seize victory in the coming conflict. I was certain of it.

“…Don’t get careless, Acre.”

But the captain wore a gloomy expression.

“I haven’t forgotten the losses of the previous battle.”

She was talking about that time…

“H-hey…Captain…! Captain…”

The former record keeper, Liscia, had approached the captain on the battlefield. “Gimme some leaves…leaves, now!” she said, clinging to the captain. “If I don’t have ’em, I’m done forrr…!” She had seemed almost mad.

After that last battle, Liscia had changed. All she did was demand leaves, day after day. She was broken, reduced to nothing more than a leaf junkie.

Such was the fate of the record keeper who had been so devoted to her duties. I had felt a chill run up my spine.

“Let go of me!” The captain had torn Liscia off her. “…Listen up, Acre. Unexpected circumstances always arise during battle. Just don’t let your guard down.”

It had seemed like she was issuing an unspoken threat that “this is what will happen to you if you’re not careful.”

But were we really going to have any problems this time? As far as I could see, the two giants who had entered our fortress were being manipulated by the captain’s scheme.

Actually, they didn’t suspect a thing, even now that they were sitting inside.

Without knowing that it was the signal for us to commence a battle against them, the giants had taken their seats.

“All hands, advance!”

At the captain’s signal, the soldiers picked up their weapons and charged. It was going to be a brief yet decisive battle, an all-out assault. This, too, was part of the captain’s strategy.

We simply didn’t have the stamina for a drawn-out campaign.

Therefore, we needed to engage the giants immediately and quickly drive them away.

However…

“Captain! Big problem! We have no weapons!”

“What did you say?!”

There was nothing in the warehouse where the weapons should have been stored. It was completely empty.

“Oh no, Captain! For some reason, we left our weapons on the giants’ table!”

“What did you say?!”

Why didn’t anyone notice until now?

Our weapons had been left on the tabletop.

“Who was the idiot who left them in a place like that!?” The captain raised her voice in irritation.

“Eh-heh-heh…” Liscia laughed.

“Why yoooooouuuuuu!” The captain grabbed her by the collar.

“Wait…Captain, calm down, please…!”

She seemed worked up enough to throw a punch at any moment. I rushed over to try to grab the captain from behind and stop her, but she pummeled Liscia brutally with her small fists. “Do you have any idea how foolish a mistake that was?! Damn you!”

“Eh-heh, eh-heh-heh…”

Liscia almost seemed to enjoy the beating. I don’t think it was a side effect of the leaves either… She’d always seemed weird that way.

“Captain, terrible news!”

“What is it this time?!” the captain shouted. Any semblance of calmness and composure was nowhere to be seen.

“Look at that!”

One of the soldiers pointed. There was one of the enemies we were supposed to be confronting—one of the giants.

There she was, one of those disgusting giants, chomping away on one of the weapons that we had held so dear.

“What…the…?”

She was eating our weapons.

A scene that none of us could have imagined, spread out right there before our eyes.

There was nothing to do but tremble with fear.

Unexpected circumstances always arise during battles, after all.

“Um, by any chance, are we the giants?”

Ever since we had come to this restaurant, I hadn’t caught so much as a glimpse of any staff, so I’d been discreetly looking around the place, and had noticed some…strange details.

“Seems like you’ve figured it out.”

“…Yeah, I guess.”

Straining my eyes to take a close look toward the kitchen, I saw a girl dressed in armor, and another girl beside her wearing glasses, scribbling desperately. With them were many others, including a girl who was constantly cackling with laughter.

The surprising thing was their size.

Unless it was some trick of the eye, they were each small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. They looked human, but it was hard to see them as regular people because of how small they were.

“This place, which they named ‘The Giants’ Kitchen,’ is a trap that they built to take down humans like us.”

“Why do they think we’re their enemies…?”

“Actually, I came here about a week ago and got them to tell me a little bit about it.”

“Oh?”

“According to what they told me, it pretty much boils down to the fact that we’re too big, and they don’t like it.”

“That’s a really superficial reason to hate someone…”

“True, but they make really tasty food, so it’s pretty convenient to have them here, in the middle of an otherwise empty wilderness.”

“Speaking of food…I can’t imagine anything served by people that small will be especially satisfying…” Actually, the first issue is… “They haven’t even emerged from the kitchen yet, have they?”

“There’s no need to worry.” Miss Fran pointed to my pocket and said, “Earlier, we collected lots of flowers and grasses and acorns, right?”

“If my memory serves me, you just crammed them into my pockets, but…”

“Try pulling a little bit of that stuff out.”

Sure, no problem, but…

“Why? Did they tell you that they like common weeds and flowers?”

As I puzzled this over, I went ahead and pulled out a bit of plant matter.

Immediately after I did—

“Ahh! Leaves! I love leaves!”

A girl about the size of my palm suddenly appeared on the table and crouched over the grass, laughing maniacally.

“……”

I was silent.

“These girls really like common weeds and flowers, you see.”

“……”

Is this little tribe of people an endangered species or something?

“Captain! Terrible news! Liscia has been captured by the enemy!”

“Yes, I know!”

It was plain to see.

Even though only a few minutes had gone by since the beginning of the battle against the giants, the fighting had already claimed one victim. Looming over Liscia, who had run out onto the table, the giant with ash-colored hair spoke.

“Huh…looking at them close up, they’re really cute, aren’t they…?”

As the giant’s repulsive voice boomed, she poked at Liscia with her fingertip.

“Oww!” Liscia toppled over. Then the giant’s finger casually pushed on her stomach several times.

“Heh-heh-heh…” The giant laughed.

Disgusting. The ashen-haired giant had only just captured Liscia and was already showing no intention of treating her as human.

“That monster…! She’s torturing Liscia!” The captain’s expression was steeped with hatred.

But there was nothing that we could do. We were powerless before the giants.

“Ah…! St-stop it…! Ah-ha…!”

But the giant didn’t stop.

Instead, the ashen-haired giant put on a pleasant smile as she stared down at the struggling Liscia.

“You want leaves? Which leaves? These? Or these over here?”

An unbelievably dreadful scene was playing out before our very eyes. After tickling Liscia’s belly for a little while, the giant feigned bringing leaves close to Liscia’s face, then started tickling her again.

“Stop…! Ah, I love leaves… Stop it… Ahhh!”

This is torture.

Receiving pain and pleasure at the same time, Liscia was gradually losing her mind.

“That must be irresistible for a masochist.”

“Should we be doing something, or…?”

On the other hand, Liscia has always been kind of strange.

Meanwhile, on the tabletop, the ashen-haired giant seemed to be having fun toying with Liscia.

“Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…” She cackled.

“……”

The giant didn’t seem to have noticed the icy gaze coming at her from across the table.

Then the ashen-haired giant who had been toying with Liscia for a while suddenly stopped moving her hands.

“Ah-ha—huh?” Liscia was taken aback when the tickling and the leaves were abruptly withdrawn. She sat up and stared at the giant with a pleading expression.

“You want more?” The ashen-haired giant was in high spirits now. “If you want more…could I get you to tell me about your companions? They’re over there, right? How many are hiding?”

It was a foolish question.

“Tch…it’s no use.” Beside me, the captain let slip a smile. “The bonds of military service are unbreakable. There is no way that Liscia will ever give up her comrades. She may be off her rocker, but she’d never stoop so low as to sell the rest of us out—”

“There are thirteen.”

She did, in fact, stoop so low.

“Any weapons?”

“You ate all of them a minute ago.”

“Oh-hoh. So that means that all of your companions are unarmed— Wait, huh? I ate them? What do you mean, I ate them…?”

Then Liscia easily spilled all the information she had to the enemy—everything, starting with the captain’s strategy. She didn’t hesitate to reveal it all. The girl on the table was now the lowest of worthless wretches, calmly selling out her comrades for leaves.

“I see; it’s all clear now.”

After making Liscia tell all, the ashen-haired giant nodded heartlessly. “By the way, I came here today to have a meal, you know.”

Her eyes seized on us.

Those eyes, a lapis blue color that threatened to suck me right in, abruptly narrowed, and a smile appeared on the giant’s face.

And then she said, “I’m guessing there’s food over there in the kitchen, right?”

Food…?

“She wants to eat…! She’s going to gobble us up, every one of us…!”

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that everyone in the kitchen shuddered with fear.

“Elaina. If you go into the kitchen, we’ll never get any food.”

Just when I thought that we were finally going to get to eat, after being teased for so long, Miss Fran spoke up with a sigh.

Huh?

“Aren’t we going to plunder food from these tiny girls?” I asked.

“Absolutely not, they would just run away…”

For some reason, Miss Fran had really drawn back. I wondered what on earth I had done to warrant that reaction.

It seemed like Miss Fran was a repeat customer here at The Giants’ Kitchen. Her tone suggested that she knew everything about the place, though I had my doubts.

“There’s no need to make any deliberate moves. Now that you’ve captured one of their friends, it won’t be long.”

“Won’t be long for what?”

“For the food to come out.”

Immediately after she’d said that, I heard a noise from the kitchen. Something fell down with a crash.

Hey now, what on earth is going on over there? I tilted my head curiously, and I could just barely make out something small squirming over toward us from the kitchen.

“……”

I soon understood what I was seeing.

Thirteen tiny girls, each the size of the palm of my hand, had formed a little phalanx and were advancing in our direction. In their hands, they were each gripping some sort of cylindrical object.

“Miss Fran, what is this?”

“It looks like they’ve brought us something to eat.”

“Huh…?”

I tilted my head the other way.

Each of the tiny girls was carrying a sweet treat—not exactly what I’d expected for a meal.

The blond girl leading the charge was carrying a long, round cookie. Beside her was a girl in glasses, who was still desperately writing, balancing a macaron on her head.

Behind them, the girls grouped into columns had also armed themselves with various sweets. They appeared wielding cookies, chocolates, and similar bite-sized treats.

“…Um, what is going on here?”

My face contorted in confusion, but Miss Fran nodded, “The truth is, their species excels at making sweets.”

“Uh-huh…”

“But apparently, they don’t eat the sweets they make.”

“What does that mean?”

“To them, the sweets are used as building materials, or to make weapons, even. They’re more like a resource than food.”

It sounded like their species saw things very differently. To us, the things they made were nothing more than tasty treats.

“……”

So when it comes down to it…

“In other words, they’ve armed themselves and are coming to do battle with us?”

“Well, to put it bluntly, that’s what it amounts to.”

“……”

By the way, just a moment ago, Miss Fran said something about “the food arriving,” but…

“Huh, you mean we’re going to eat their weapons?”

“Indeed.”

Miss Fran nodded easily, as if this were completely normal.

“…What will happen when we eat them?”

“Their resources will be depleted, of course.”

“……”

“Well, now seems as good a time as any. Shall we begin our teatime?”

Miss Fran wore a carefree smile as a voice echoed from the direction of the kitchen.

“Chaaaaaarge!”

I wonder if there has ever been such a brutal teatime before…

“Don’t worry, everyone. Our enemy is enormous, and we have no weapons. But if we don’t have any weapons, we can just make more.”

Following Liscia’s utter betrayal, the captain ran over to the empty warehouse.

“Let’s break down this warehouse to make weapons.”

As she spoke, the captain snapped off a piece of the warehouse wall. The wall was brittle and fairly easy to break. A faintly sweet scent filled the air, and the captain turned back toward us, her soldiers, who seemed to be facing a hopeless battle.

“There are times when we must fight.” Our captain looked courageous and strong, as always. “That time is now! All hands, tear this warehouse apart and prepare to charge!”

The captain was always able to find a way out of trouble, no matter how desperate the situation. As long she’s with us, we have no reason to worry. I’m certain that’s what everyone was thinking. We all exchanged looks, and without saying a word, we each picked up our own weapons.

“As the record keeper, I’m going to ask you to come with us to the battlefield, but I won’t make you carry a weapon. Acre, it is your duty to leave behind a record of this battle for posterity. Put this on.”

The captain placed an unfamiliar round yellow object on my head.

“…Um, Captain, what’s this?”

“It’s material that was used to make the warehouse roof. It’s brittle, but it should protect your head, at least.”

“Captain…”

Wait, we’re fighting giants. Protecting my head isn’t going to do anything…

“Don’t worry. I’m going to protect you, I swear. Protecting my comrades is what I do!”

“Captain…”

“Acre, you just carry out your duties. Make a record of this battle and return with your life.”

“Captain…”

“Come on, you don’t need to be that nervous. Once the battle is over, let’s go for a drink, okay?”

“Captain…”

Just now, I thought I smelled the stench of death wafting through the air… It must have been my imagination.

“All right, let’s go, everyone!”

Ignoring my concerns, the captain stood at the front of the formation and looked up at the giants. There are times when we must fight. Even when we know we will lose.

And then…

The captain sucked in a determined breath, and—

“Chaaaaaarge!”

Our fateful battle began.

“Oh, Elaina, a moment ago you took a leaf out of your pocket. You should still have all sorts of things stashed away in there, right?” Looking down at us, the black-haired giant said, “How about pulling some of those things out?”

“Suppose I could.”

Grinning like the devil she was, the ashen-haired giant pulled her hand out of her pocket and opened it on top of one of the huge white platters.

“……!”

It was at this moment that we finally realized the gravity of our own error.

Liscia’s capture, this attack of ours—everything was part of the scheme devised by the giants.

We were nothing more than pawns in their enormous hands.

“These are what you want, right…?”

On top of the white platter, she’d scattered leaves, flowers, and acorns.

It was unbelievable.

The giants had come prepared with a strategy to get us to lay down our weapons. They were obviously cunning opponents who understood their enemy.

But there was no way we would be led astray.

Because we had to emerge victorious against them.

There’s no way that there is anyone here on this battlefield right now who is enough of a fool to fall into such an obvious trap—

“Leave this area to me! The rest of you, go on aheeead!”

For some reason, the captain had thrown herself down atop the white platter. She had even tossed her weapon aside nearby. She no longer had even the tiniest glimmer of fighting spirit in her.

“Captain…”

What the hell is she doing?

“Don’t worry…I’ll definitely catch up with you later…!”

“No, um, Captain…”

The immediate capture of their leader sent the remaining troops into disarray. They milled to and fro like a bunch of wild beasts.

They lost all fighting spirit at the sight of their captain’s pitiful showing.

“It can’t be…! The captain is…!” One girl sank into despair and threw down her weapon.

“Wait for me, Captain! I’m coming to save—gyaaah!” One girl tried to jump onto the white platter, slipped carelessly, and fell down.

“Heh-heh…it’s all over now…” One girl gave up entirely and started to make herself at home on the platter.

“Why, you! I was the first one to find this flower!”

“Shut up! What does that have to do with anything?! Hand it over now!”

There were even girls fighting with their comrades over flowers, of all things.

One after another, my compatriots abandoned their weapons.

“So, you see, just like when I came here last week, they’ve given us a lot of sweets. Apparently, they have a weakness for leaves, flowers, and acorns, and all you have to do is give them some to get a bunch of sweets in return.”

“…To me, it looks more like a revolt than anything else, though…”

The two giants picked up the weapons that my comrades had dropped and, without taking any notice of our suffering, tossed our weapons, one after another, into their gaping maws.

From the way they were acting, they didn’t even seem to consider us a threat.

Either that, or they were showing off their absolute dominance. No matter how we might struggle, we had no way to retaliate against the giants.

“Oh? There’s only one of them left.”

Suddenly, the black-haired giant’s gaze landed on me. Looking across the table, only I, the record keeper, was still outside the borders of the white platter. Now that everyone else was imprisoned on the platter, I was the sole survivor.

“You’re right.”

The ashen-haired giant nodded and peered down at me with her lapis-colored eyes.

“…Ah!” She clapped her hands and fished around in her pocket.

She was probably going to try to bait me with grass, or flowers, or acorns, or another one of our favorites.

But there’s no way that I can die! I must live on for the sake of my fallen comrades—

“I think you’ll probably like this.”

What she handed me then was a mysterious disk. It was round, and glossy, and sparkled like gold. It was profoundly heavy.

I’ve heard rumors about these.

In the world of the giants, those golden, sparkly disks were known as “money” and could apparently be exchanged for goods or services. No one in our world had ever laid eyes on one before, but there were persistent rumors that anyone who touched one would be able to, at the very least, live the rest of her life in leisure.

“Ah…so shiny…”

Needless to say, I fell right into the enemy’s hands. I abandoned the duties that the captain had given me, and just like my fallen comrades, I surrendered.

Looking down at me as I rubbed my cheek lovingly against the shiny gold, the black-haired giant opened her eyes wide. “You really knew what she would like, didn’t you?”

In response, the ashen-haired giant popped the armor that I was wearing on my head into her mouth and said, “Oh, I just sort of saw that same look in her eye.”

“Ah, you mean she’s greedy like you?”

“How rude. I prefer to think I’m ‘devoted to my desires.’”

And so our battle came to an end.

It goes without saying that we suffered a crushing defeat. At least that’s what I thought.

But from the center of the white platter, our captain announced with satisfaction, “Phew…this battle was an absolute victory for our side…”

Once we’d left The Giants’ Kitchen, Miss Fran finally told me the story of her visit to the restaurant the previous week.

Apparently, she had come across the place on her way to her hometown.

“This is embarrassing, but I’ve got a terrible sense of direction, and also, I haven’t been home once since I set out on my own travels…so I got completely lost. I was traveling along, asking directions from every merchant and traveler I passed, but…”

Um, I’m actually trying to go to a country called Bielawald, but—huh? No such country exists anymore? All right, well, the former site will be fine, so could you tell me where it is? Huh? In the forest? I’m sorry, there’s nothing but forest around here, so specifically, what part of the forest is it in? Ah, that way? …I see…

Excuse me, but the merchant I asked earlier said that Bielawald was in this part of the forest, so…huh? There’s no such country? No, I know it exists. The ruins will be fine; can you tell me where they are? Huh? In the forest over there? Wait, but it’s forest as far as I can see—

And so on.

One way or another, Miss Fran had apparently continued her journey, wandering from place to place.

And in the middle of all of that, she had discovered this cottage.

When she’d first come across the place, the sign declaring it to be THE GIANTS’ KITCHEN hadn’t yet been on display. She told me that it had been nothing but an ordinary little house.

“At first, I was in shock. When I snuck into the cottage to get some rest, I never expected to find a race of tiny women living inside.”

According to Miss Fran, as one would expect, the tiny women had seemed to fear humans of our size. They had surprised her with a sudden attack.

“Though, of course, their attacks don’t present any threat to us humans, so I also hardly paid them any mind.”

For example, the so-called artillery that had been launched at her were just sugar candies, and the things that the little ladies had been holding up as shields had been ordinary cookies. She had squared off against the pastry-clad women, but from Miss Fran’s perspective, they had just looked like strange, little creatures who were showering her with treats. We think that, from their perspective, it must have gone down in history as a gruesome, protracted battle.

After being showered with sweets for a while, Miss Fran must have started feeling a little pang of conscience about the one-sided exchange. She had asked one of the women about it.

“Um, is there anything you would like in return?” she’d asked.

One of them—the one named Liscia—had answered with hatred in her eyes.

“Something we want? Of course not, how could there be?! Get out of here at once!”

My, my, why on earth would she be so bitter toward me?

Miss Fran had wondered what the reason might be.

At that point, she’d had an idea.

“I feel bad just taking, without offering anything in return… I wonder if I have anything I can give you…?”

But because Miss Fran was always such a carefree person, when she searched her pockets, the only things she had found were a few leaves she’d happened to shove in there during her travels, and some flowers she’d picked because she’d thought they were pretty, and a handful of acorns that she’d collected for some reason or other. It was all just rubbish.

Oh no! They won’t be happy with this stuff. Far from it! It’ll probably be a nuisance.

That’s what she had thought anyway.

“Aaah! I love these! This smell…! I love it!”

But then something unexpected had happened. The tiny woman had grabbed the leaves Miss Fran had produced from her pocket and started breathing heavily.

The strange developments kept on happening.

One after another, Liscia’s companions, who had been stealthily watching everything from nearby, had appeared, and they had all started fighting over the rubbish that Miss Fran had produced, saying things like, “What is this?” “Oh, flowers!” “I love acorns…” “Hey, hey, this is out of this world…!”

Apparently, they had hardly ever seen the flowers and leaves that litter the outside world. The cottage was their whole world.

One after another, the tiny women had dropped their weapons, and Miss Fran had eaten her fill of them (the sweets, that is).

After the soldiers had all given up, the one whom everyone called “Captain” had stood before Miss Fran and raised a white flag as she announced, “Gah…we’re no match for you… Do as you will, Giant. Boil us, roast us, eat us alive…!”

Wait, wait—

“No, thank you.”

I’ve already gotten all the sweets I want—Miss Fran had shaken her head.

There had been something more important weighing on her mind.

“By the way, why do you all think I am your enemy?”

“Is it not natural to try and drive away intruders?!” The captain had been extremely angry. In a full-blown rage, even. “Plus, you’re a dirty cheater! Using our favorite foods to bribe your way to victory—does your cowardice know no bounds?!”

“Oh, favorite foods? Do you mean these?” Miss Fran had casually waved a leaf toward the captain’s face.

“Ah…s-stop it! I won’t be tempted!” The captain had swatted the leaf away.

Then the captain had told Miss Fran about their circumstances.

The tiny women loved acorns and leaves, but there were many dangers in the outside world, so they had no other option but to live in this cottage, she had explained.

Really, they would have liked to go out into the world and eat leaves and acorns to their hearts’ content, but even small animals were like giant beasts to them, so they didn’t think it would go too well if they tried.

Only inside the cottage were they truly safe.

Surely they couldn’t permit enormous humans to come stomping into their safe house with their muddy shoes. So they always tried to drive them out.

Of course, the massive difference in size meant that they had never yet been victorious, but…

“Gah…this is the one and only place where we can feel safe, but…you giants keep breaking in…!”

“……”

At that point, Miss Fran had suddenly had an idea.

Ultimately, the tiny women wanted leaves and acorns, and they were equipped to provide sweets in exchange for them.

Maybe, if they were careful about how they did things, they might be able to make an arrangement that would benefit both parties.

“Um, I’ve got a suggestion for you. Would you be so kind as to lend me your ear?”

And then Miss Fran made a suggestion to Liscia and the captain.

After the two giants had left together, the captain summoned me, the record keeper, and told me a story. She told me about the problems with our territory, and about what had happened about a week earlier when the black-haired giant had appeared at our door.

“That giant made a suggestion to me. She said, ‘We giants want to eat your weapons and building materials. If you let us have them, in return, we’ll bring you leaves, and acorns, and flowers.’”

According to the captain, the things that we valued so highly were easy for the giants to acquire, while our weapons and raw materials were apparently their favorite foods. As such, the giant proposed we trade.

“So you accepted her proposal?”

“……” The captain nodded silently. “Since we can make things like weapons and construction materials easily, I figured everyone would be happy to get things from the outside world.”

There could be nothing more desirable than a peaceful, mutually beneficial solution. For the sake of the dignity of our race, the captain had accepted the giant’s idea.

“Heh-heh-heh…but who would have thought there would be such an easy way to get our hands on leaves… Those giants may have formidable bodies, but their heads are empty…!”

She had accepted the giant’s proposal for our sake…or so I’d like to think.

It seemed to me that we had ostensibly suffered a loss in this most recent battle, but apparently, in truth, neither we nor the giants had suffered any damages.

It had been a total farce.

“But, Captain, if both we and they were going to each bring the thing the other wanted, and simply trade, then there was no need to go to the trouble of staging a whole battle, was there?”

Was there any need for us to go through the motions of driving the giants away, like we did when we didn’t know anything about them? It sounds like we could have concluded the whole interaction by appearing before them, presenting them with some building materials, and grabbing what we wanted in return.

Wasn’t rallying the troops for a glorious last stand actually kind of pointless?

But the captain just nodded, then said, “It was the black-haired giant’s suggestion that we wage battle. She asked me to be sure to launch an attack just like we did last time.”

“…Why?”

“Apparently it was more interesting that way.”

“I really don’t understand how those giants think.”

“Me either.”

“…Huh, so in other words, if we give them leaves and stuff in exchange for sweets, those little ladies will be satisfied with the exchange?” I asked. “Is that what you’re saying?”

“Well, to make a long story short, yes.” Miss Fran nodded.

We’d left The Giants’ Kitchen behind, continuing to our next destination. As we traveled, we chatted about what had happened.

“But then why did they try to attack us? If we were going to exchange sweets for leaves, shouldn’t that have been the end of it?”

“Who knows? I wonder why?”

My teacher looked out into the distance, wearing a devious smile. Frankly speaking, the fact that she basically averted her eyes from me made it somewhat obvious that she was hiding something, but I decided to hold my tongue.

When it came down to it, the real reason that Miss Fran had guided us to the little women’s cottage was so that she could see if they would follow her instructions. The rest was just a pretext.

She had been awfully pushy about leading me there, but now I saw that she had apparently been using me as a test subject.

“Was it fun?” Miss Fran asked.

I nodded halfheartedly. “Sort of.”

“Hmm, I see.”

Miss Fran nodded, seeming satisfied, and then pulled a piece of paper from her breast pocket and started writing something very misleading: Received a rave review from the world-traveling Ashen Witch!

What’s this?

“Wait a minute, what are you doing?”

I grasped Miss Fran’s hand.

She was holding a pamphlet with phrases on it like, The dominion of a profoundly mysterious race of tiny people, and Eat your fill of their handmade sweets at The Giants’ Kitchen, and Plan your visit after collecting leaves, along with a neatly drawn map to The Giants’ Kitchen.

“…What is this?” I scowled.

Miss Fran cocked her head, puzzled. “What is it…? It’s business.”

Huh? Business?

“…Don’t tell me you’re thinking of making a profit off them?”

“No, no, I was just going to spread the word about a rare species, with the best of intentions.”

“……”

Looking at the pamphlet, I could see that she had written instructions on the edge: Gladly accepting a finder’s fee, in the amount you deem appropriate.

It seemed particularly devious, keeping the exact sum vague. If she felt like it, she would be able to overcharge people by pressuring them after the fact.

My, my.

“How greedy you are.”

I gazed wearily at my teacher.

In her usual nonchalant way, she smiled and replied, “How rude. I’m simply ‘devoted to my desires.’”

Dear me, I wonder where Miss Fran learned such things…?

“Miss Fran, you are my teacher, so it makes things difficult for me when you refuse to behave with anything approaching decency or maturity.”

I made a point of puffing out my cheeks, but Miss Fran just smiled as she always did.

“Unfortunately, I may be your teacher, but I am also myself.”

Oh my, well then…

“You’re a real lowlife of a teacher, you know that?”

“Oh, I agree.”