Final Chapter
Welcome to the N.H.K.!
It became spring.
Of course, I was holed up in my room.
Why?! Why am I holed up?! Get hold of yourself! Do some honest work! I
tried taking out my anger on myself in this way; of course, it's never so
easy to escape from being a hikikomori.
I still suffered from the neuroses that attacked me, the desire to kill
myself that would boil silently to the surface, and all the other sorts of
problems I faced (my rent being raised or my favorite convenience store
closing). On top of all that, I had my security guard job tomorrow. It
was a complete pain in the ass.
I was depressingly worried.
Regardless, the cherry blossoms were in full bloom outside my
window. New college students walked past the front of my apartment. I
felt as though I had been abandoned by the whole world, as though I
Welcome to the N.H.K.!
227
were being mocked by the entire human race.
For example, Yamazaki had sent me a postcard recently. A
photograph printed on the card showed Yamazaki, smiling widely, with
a beautiful girl. He'd written, "Oh, I think I might be just about ready to
get married. My parents have been bothering me for a while to get set up
with someone. (In the countryside, we get married early.) And because I
didn't really have a choice, I had a meeting arranged just once, and look!
She's perfect!"
It seemed to have become an age in which even an erotic-gameloving
lolicon could be blessed with happiness.
Die. Go to hell.
Next was the New Year's card sent by the female upperclassman:
"Our house is a huge mansion. We're in love. I'm about to have a baby."
She really seemed happy.
Go to hell.
And on top of all that, Misaki's life, too, now was moving in a truly
upward direction. When she had returned to her uncle's house,
naturally, she had been severely scolded. She seemed to have sunk into a
reflection about the incident that was deeper than the ocean. Eventually,
at some point, she came to talk to me about it. "How do you think I
could apologize properly?"
"Shouldn't it be enough for you just to live a healthy life?"
"I've caused more trouble than I can even completely understand, so
that just won't cut it, okay? I need something to, you know,
wholeheartedly demonstrate my gratitude and apologies."
"Your uncle is a rather wealthy man, isn't he? If so, then what about
studying and going to college? Thinking back, didn't you pass your
Welcome to the N.H.K.
228
college entrance exams?"
I just gave her some appropriate advice without thinking about it too
deeply. Then, several months after that, my advice had become part of
her reality. She was planning to begin college starting this spring. Of
course, the school was obviously one that even I could have attended
based on exam percentile, so it wasn't that much of a surprise, but. . .
Either way, that girl would be a college student while I remained a
freeter and a hikikomori.
Ah, I can't take it. Go to hell, all of you!
They say that curses come home to roost. So, I forced my feelings
back down and tried wishing for everyone's happiness, "Even if you fall
into hell, keep trying, all of you."
I, too, planned on trying, little by little.
The reason for that was on a scrap of paper I had here.
It was a contract, made from a page ripped out of the secret
notebook. To fulfill the contract, I had no choice but to try.
That night. . .
I had jumped, and then I'd landed abruptly. I had landed on top of
the wire netting set up around the cliff to prevent accidents. The frame
had been buried into the rocky cliff itself, making a hook shape. As
expected for a sightseeing spot, they had gone out of their way to mount
the fence in such a way that the beautiful view was left unspoiled. And as
expected for a sightseeing spot, there was absolutely no fault to be found
with the safety measures.
Welcome to the N.H.K.!
229
I wanted to cry.
I cried.
I wanted to die, but I couldn't die. If I could step out with only one
foot, then this time, I could fly for sure. It was impossible. I couldn't do
it. Both of my legs were shaking violently, and the sound of my heart
beating was ridiculously loud. I felt terrible, I was nauseated, and I didn't
want to be there anymore.
I was crying out for someone to do something. I was crying that I
wanted to die. Kill me right now, I thought. I wished for someone to push
me.
I didn't want to go home and shut myself up in my apartment, and I
didn't want to see Misaki's face. I didn't want to think about anything
confusing, and I didn't want to experience any more pain. I just wanted
to die right then.
I scratched my head, curled up my body, and then I bent backward.
It was humorous and pathetic. I looked like an idiot. Each time the wind
blew, I dropped to all fours and clung to the fence. I was frightened. I
was scared of falling. I got chills just from looking downward.
Below the netting was the Sea of Japan. The waves were rough. Help
me! No, don't help me. Don't laugh at me. What should I do? Don't screw
around with me! Don't look! Don't look over here! Why are you crying? I'm the
one who wants to cry.
Misaki stuck her face out over the edge of the cliff and looked down
at me.
I covered my face with both hands. I didn't know what to do. I didn't
want any more disgrace in my life.
Stretching herself out over the cliff edge, Misaki held out her hand.
Welcome to the N.H.K.
230
She was trying to save me. The look on her face said that she pitied me.
Swiping away her outstretched hand, I put my leg on the rock wall and
climbed up the cliff by myself. I slipped on frozen sections several times,
landing on my ass in the netting each time. On my third try, I succeeded
at climbing about seven feet up the cliff.
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