Chapter 3 - The Angel in the Dream Feelings of Shame
“…I love you.”
A voice full of anticipation spoke these few, simple words.
Her voice was quiet as it left her soft, pink lips, and she approached him seductively.
Amane was propping himself up on the bed, and she lowered her hips onto his legs, pinning him in place.
Strangely, he didn’t feel any weight at all.
But the soft touch of her skin and her fragrant smell filled his senses.
Mahiru leaned coquettishly up against him and wrapped her arms around his back, closing the gap between them as she cast her eyes down shyly. Amane looked down and saw a fresh expanse of skin that normally never saw the light of day, peeking from the neckline of her white dress.
He tried to avert his gaze from the deep valley between her breasts, but Mahiru moved her hands from his back up to his neck and pulled his face closer, as if to tell him not to look away.
A sigh escaped her lips.
“…Touch me more?” she whispered.
Amane wrapped his arms around her delicate back and slowly brought his lips closer—
“—Ah?”
He sat up straight.
Amane was alone in his bedroom. The morning sun shone into the room through a gap in the closed curtains.
When he looked at the clock on his side table, he saw that it was just past five.
With the approach of summer, the sun was rising earlier—it was early enough to get a start on the day, although Amane certainly hadn’t intended to wake up at this hour.
He pressed the palm of his hand against his face as he remembered what he’d been dreaming about and was immediately overcome with shame.
This is the worst…
The dream had taken him by surprise.
Previously, when Mahiru had appeared in his dreams, she had behaved as usual—never acting with such blatant desire. When she’d told him the day before that she wanted him to touch her more, that must have provided the inspiration for his fantasy, but even so, he felt ashamed. His mind had imagined Mahiru acting in ways she never would. Even though it had only been a dream, he still felt guilty about having those kinds of feelings toward her.
It was very frustrating—he wanted to cherish Mahiru and treat her respectfully, but his subconscious mind apparently had other ideas. He had the fleeting temptation to slam his head into the wall.
Amane decided that some exercise would be just the thing to clear his head. Pushing away his subconscious desires, he made to leave his room, but paused on the way out.
“…Kill me now.”
Before he could start the day, he was going to need a nice long shower to wash away any lingering frustrations.
“Hey, Amane, what’s with the dead expression?”
After getting up, Amane had gone for an early morning run to shake off his shame, exhausting himself both physically and mentally. Chitose must have noticed, and approached him during a break at school.
Amane looked at Itsuki, who was sitting beside him, to ask whether he looked that lifeless, and Itsuki nodded.
“Ah, well…I went for a little run this morning,” Amane explained.
“That’ll wipe you out, no doubt.” Chitose nodded. “A couch potato is sure to get groggy when they finally start working out.” Chitose cackled and grinned lightheartedly as she slapped him on the back.
Amane was relieved that she didn’t press him any further.
Telling Chitose something meant that Mahiru would know eventually anyway, so Amane did his best to avoid telling her anything important. Honestly, he didn’t want to let anyone know about his dream.
“If you’re not feeling well, you ought to go right home after school’s over and rest. It’s best not to overdo it,” Mahiru added, standing beside Chitose like her chaperone.
They were at school, so Mahiru was in her “angel mode,” but her concern was genuine. Amane had a feeling she was going to spoil him when they got home.
However, Amane knew that he wouldn’t be able to accept her kindness—his lingering guilt over the dream wouldn’t even allow him to look Mahiru in the eye.
Without meeting her gaze, Amane responded flatly, “Thank you for your concern. I’m fine, so there’s no need to worry.” He did his best not to allow any emotion to creep into his words. From the corner of his eye, he could see Mahiru’s expression stiffen slightly.
Amane was trying not to let the awkwardness he felt every time he looked at Mahiru show on his face, but from her perspective, it probably seemed like he had suddenly gotten angry at her.
He couldn’t possibly explain the reason for his icy demeanor, so there was nothing to do but keep his mouth shut and evade the issue.
Everyone knew that Amane was a gloomy introvert, downright unsociable really, so nothing about this behavior should have aroused anyone’s suspicions.
“…Are you feeling unwell, Amane?” Mahiru asked.
“No, I’m not sick, I’m just tired,” he replied. “Really, I’m trying my best to not fall asleep. We’ve got tests coming up, so I can’t very well sleep through class now.”
“Geez! So serious.” Chitose giggled.
“You should try to be more serious, too,” he chided. “Our school’s exams are hard, so stop playing around and try studying for a change.”
“Speaking of exams, I think it would be more fun, and more effective, if we did our studying all together, don’t you?” Chitose asked.
“Oh? Then perhaps Shiina ought to tutor you.”
“I guess that would work, but…”
Chitose was staring hard at Amane, but he refused to make eye contact with her. He pulled the materials for the next class out of his desk and directed his attention toward arranging them.
If he participated any longer in the conversation, he would inevitably have to talk to Mahiru. He sighed softly and leafed through a textbook as if the rest of the discussion was no concern of his.
Amane left school promptly after classes ended, did the evening’s shopping, and returned home.
As usual, Mahiru was already in his apartment, preparing food, but she was obviously feeling dejected.
She seemed to be able to sense that something was different about his mood and kept glancing over at him and frowning. Often at home, they would act a little more familiar, but that evening, she carefully maintained a sense of distance that was not all that different from how she behaved at school.
Amane still felt terribly awkward, and he tried to push thoughts of Mahiru out of his mind as best he could. It was easy to understand how she might interpret that as him ignoring her.
“Are you mad at me…?” Mahiru asked nervously, after they had finished eating dinner without even looking at each other once.
Realizing his error, Amane looked up at her.
Mahiru’s eyes flickered with anxiety.
“I’m not mad,” he replied.
“People only answer that way when they’re mad. You’ve been acting strange all day, and you’re being terse with me… Did I do something to upset you without realizing it…?”
Even though Amane had clearly been the one avoiding her, Mahiru sounded apologetic, which made him realize that he had only been thinking about his own personal discomfort.
Flustered, Amane took Mahiru’s hands in his and peered into her eyes, which were more tearful than usual.
“N-no, that’s not it. You didn’t do anything, Mahiru. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings.”
“So then, why…why are you acting so cold?”
“W-well, um, there are a number of reasons, I guess you could say…”
Amane found himself faltering when it came time to offer any.
He obviously knew he couldn’t be too honest—a girl like Mahiru would definitely be put off by something like that. He didn’t want to put her in an awkward position or make her uncomfortable around him later.
“I’ve been wondering if maybe you’d gotten tired of me or something…”
“Absolutely not!” Amane insisted. “I-I’ve just got some personal stuff going on… There’s just a lot on my mind.”
“…And you’re not going to tell me about it?”
Mahiru frowned dejectedly and looked at the floor. Amane could only groan.
How can I possibly explain?
He hated lying to her, so he decided the best course of action was to only tell her the mildest version of the truth. Though he wasn’t sure exactly how to round off the rough edges or sound vague in this particular case.
If he messed up, she wouldn’t understand, and she might even be repulsed instead.
“It—it’s no big deal, really, okay?”
“…Even though it’s something bad enough to make you ignore me?”
“No, the thing is, I mean, how do I put this? I’m doing it to exercise self-control, or, like, to settle my mind down.”
“You don’t feel calm when I’m around?”
“That’s not what I mean, it’s just, it’s d-difficult.”
“So it’s hard to spend time with me?”
“That’s not what I said! Geez, how can I say this…?”
If she was a boy, it would have been easy. Amane wasn’t sure he could put it in a way that a girl would understand, no matter what he said to her. Yet he had to tell her something, or she would misunderstand again.
Mahiru obviously wanted to know why he was avoiding her if she hadn’t done anything wrong, but all Amane could manage to tell her was that it was hard to explain.
For the sake of his likely nonexistent pride, he needed to put it as delicately as possible.
“…So you said that you want me to touch you more,” he explained tentatively. “And because of that, how do I say this, I…had a, uh, a dream.”
“A…dream?”
“…A dream where you were pleading with me, very sweetly, for certain things…”
Somehow, that was the best answer Amane could come up with.
Mahiru made a face like she didn’t understand what he was talking about. She blinked her wide eyes dramatically.
“R-really, I hate that I dreamed something like that,” Amane continued. “I try to avoid seeing you that way, and I would never be pushy about touching you. But this time I just…it’s because yesterday, you…you were saying such cute things. And then, about me avoiding you awkwardly…it wasn’t because I was mad at you or anything, it was because I was disgusted with myself…”
“…How exactly was I pleading with you, Amane?”
“Are you trying to embarrass me?!” he balked. Mahiru hadn’t recoiled from him, which was good, but her curiosity seemed somehow even more dangerous, and he could feel his face twitching.
Dreams supposedly reflected desires, so if he told her what he had dreamed, she would then know he thought of her and looked at her in that way, even if it was not on purpose.
“Embarrass you…? No, I was just thinking I must have been really aggressive, if it was enough to make you feel uncomfortable. So I wanted to know, for reference.”
“You don’t need to know. What sort of reference would that be useful for anyway?”
“…Like for when I’m trying to make your heart race.”
“Would you please stop trying to give me a heart attack?”
Amane didn’t understand why Mahiru seemed to enjoy tormenting him. She had already found plenty of questionable ways to surprise him, so he didn’t want to give her any more ideas.
Mahiru looked relieved, like she’d completely forgotten about any concern or anxiety that had been previously troubling her. Her cheeks had reddened faintly, probably because Amane had let the word “cute” slip out of his mouth.
“It’s a relief to hear that I’m not being shunned—I’m glad we cleared that up.”
For some reason, Mahiru’s mouth curled upward in a good-humored smile. She stared contently at Amane, who had his own lips tightly drawn in shame and embarrassment.
“Amane, you’re kind of…well, among the boys I know, you’re the most innocent.”
“Oh, be quiet, I could say the same about you.”
“I’m sure you would have been more surprised if you’d learned that I was used to being in the company of males quite often… Really, though, I’ve never spent much time around boys before. You’re the only one I’m this close with, Amane.”
“…A-and I hardly ever associate with girls, so…”
Amane was aware that he sounded pathetic, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie. Anyway, if he had tried to pass himself off as someone who spent a lot of time with girls, Mahiru probably would have laughed at him.
“Well, you seem pretty good at handling girls, all things considered,” she remarked.
“You must be joking,” Amane scoffed. “I can’t handle anything. I’m just…I always try to do what’s right, and be decent, like my parents always said. And if I do anything bad, I try to balance it out by doing something to make you happy, that’s all. I’m happy when you’re happy…surely there’s nothing wrong with that?”
“Nothing at all.” Mahiru nodded. “You’re sly that way, Amane.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Everything about you is sly.”
“Are you trying to put me down…?”
“No, it’s the opposite. I’m trying my best to encourage you, to get you to have more self-confidence.”
“…I don’t understand what you’re getting at, though.”
“That’s fine, you don’t have to understand right now.”
This wasn’t the first time they’d had this exchange, and Amane still didn’t know what about him was supposed to be devious.
But Amane didn’t think he needed to try too hard to find the answer.
Mahiru had been so concerned and dejected by Amane’s behavior. Now, though, she was smiling cheerfully without the least bit of worry.
“Anyway, I got to hear something good today,” she said.
“Something good?”
“You said that I’m the first person of the opposite sex you’ve ever been this close with.”
Amane responded to Mahiru’s outrageous statement with a sudden coughing fit.
Mahiru looked up at him curiously. It didn’t seem like she had intended to provoke a reaction from him. She had probably just said what was on her mind. That was what made it so shocking for Amane.
“Th-that’s misleading… Well, it’s not misleading, but you make it sound weird! And it’s none of your business anyway!” he stammered.
“Why are you getting so flustered? It’s kind of nice, isn’t it? Since I’m having all these firsts, too. It means that we’ve both fumbled our way closer together, right?”
“…Well, that’s true, but…”
Thinking about how things had been up to this point, her observation did seem reasonable, but it felt overwhelmingly embarrassing to hear her say it so purely, without any other intentions. The more he tried not to overthink it, the more it weighed on him.
“…Amane?”
“It’s nothing, so don’t look at me, please.”
He didn’t want her to see the shame that was practically oozing off of him again, and he turned his back to her without rising from the sofa.
He didn’t want to be seen, and he didn’t want to look at her, either.
“Why are you speaking so stiffly?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“…All right, I won’t look.”
Instead, Mahiru turned and sat with her back to his, so that she was able to lean against him. He turned his head to look at her and got a jab in the ribs.
He couldn’t see her face, but he was certain she was grinning mischievously.
“If we sit like this, I’m ‘not looking,’ right?”
“…I guess not.”
“Well, you’ll just have to deal with it, since I had to deal with you avoiding me all day.”
When she put it that way, Amane could tell that there was no way he was going to pull himself out of the hole he’d dug, and he wasn’t even going to bother trying.
Feeling a strange sort of tranquility, though the warmth gradually spreading through his back was making his chest throb, Amane let his chin rest on his knees.
“…Please don’t tell people about your first time or whatever anymore,” he mumbled. “I really don’t know how to endure it.”
He felt Mahiru shiver, as if she had only just then remembered the issue. Then, apparently, she turned around, because he felt her grab the back of his shirt.
“Th-that’s not what I meant to say at all, okay?! Well, it is, but I didn’t say it with that in mind!”
“I—I understand, so just don’t say any more.”
Knowing that Mahiru had never been so close to anyone made it even more embarrassing when she talked about things like that.
It didn’t take much thought to realize that the two of them had experienced a lot of firsts together.
At least in Amane’s case, Mahiru was the first girl he had held hands with, except for his mother when he was a young child. Mahiru was also the only one he had ever embraced. It was very likely the same for her.
To get to be part of these new experiences with the girl he liked, to be the first step for her, was delightful, embarrassing, and an honor.
Amane found himself wishing that he could be her first and last love as well.
He smiled quietly to himself as Mahiru put her forehead against his back and rubbed against him out of embarrassment. How nice it would be to stay by her side in the future, he thought.
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