7
Honestly, he didn’t have any confidence that he had managed to comfort Julius.
I can’t help thinking there were better words, a better way to give him a push. Something better than “that’s one thing, and this is another.” A more polished explanation or a way to overwrite the absurdity of the current situation…
“But it was very much something you’d say. For better and for worse.”
“…Really? Then how close was it to what the old me would’ve said? The answer is kind of a big deal for my current identity…”
“When it comes to establishing one’s own sense of self, I was quite shaken not too long ago as well. As someone with some experience in a similar sort of predicament, allow me to offer a bit of advice. That is one thing, and this is another.”
“Oh, come on!”
Snapping at Julius, who was quick to put those words to use, Subaru headed up the stairs to rejoin Emilia and the others in Taygeta.
He had said it to Julius, too, but they were on the clock. They needed to lay down the foundations for victory before disaster struck the Pleiades Watchtower. And when it came to the essentials, finding Reid’s book of the dead would be a struggle for sure, since they were looking for a single book in an ocean of—
“Ah! Subaru! Look! We found Reid’s book!”
“Eh?! Really?!”
Having reached the third floor ready to dive into a massive task, he felt his resolve completely fall apart the moment he heard Emilia’s glowing report. She was pointing to the thick book Ram had cradled in her arms. If that really was the book they were after, it was truly impressive they managed to find it in this overflowing archive.
“And while I was counseling Julius? What are you, speedrunners?”
“I don’t know what that is, but it’s amazing. Tell her what a good job she did.”
Emilia proudly thrust out her chest while also indicating it wasn’t her achievement. Subaru wondered who he should be complimenting, but the answer was clear soon enough. Emilia gently pushed forward the dark blue–haired girl clinging to her hips.
“Meili found it. Isn’t that sterling?”
“That’s a phrase you don’t hear too much nowadays…but setting that aside. You found it, Meili?! That’s definitely a huge achievement! You did great!”
Subaru praised the unexpectedly meritorious searcher. However, she pouted and looked away from them.
“I-it’s nothing special. I just happened to spot the book, is all. I don’t think it’s anything to get excited about, when I just found it a little fast.”
“Don’t be silly. You should be proud! You did great, Meili. Good job canceling out the blunder you made trying to push me off the stairs!”
“You’re calling us even after just that?!”
Meili’s eyes peeled back in shock as Subaru roughly tousled her hair. She didn’t appreciate how he was messing up her hair and shouted in protest, but his expression softened.
“Still, though…you can say what you want, but you must have done your best. There’s no way you would find the book we’re after that easily if you weren’t.”
“—Ngh, m-mister, don’t say pointless things like that.” Meili’s face turned red.
“What do you mean? This is super important.” Subaru smiled. “It’s proof that you’re one of us. But if you’re saying that you found it at random…”
“Unfortunately, we haven’t figured out any pattern to how the books are arranged in the Taygeta archive,” Echidna chimed in.
If their stumbling across this book was pure chance, then Subaru’s side quest would have to remain pending. For now, we’ll just have to keep advancing the main quest…
“You don’t have to worry that much.”
Guessing what Subaru was thinking, Meili gave a casual shrug. That was something he hadn’t seen in a while. It felt like she was starting to return to normal.
“I won’t make any promises, since I know they’re not worth much, but I will make your wish come true.”
“You really can’t keep your word, mister. I’ll be waiting without getting my hopes up.”
A promise without saying as much. Seeing Meili smile, Subaru switched back to the main subject.
“—Got it… Then it’s safe to assume no one has looked at Reid’s book yet, right?”
The book Ram was holding had a bunch of letters on the spine that Subaru couldn’t read. But that didn’t change the fact that it was the prime suspect in the case of his missing memories. On that point, Ram was seemingly in agreement about approaching it with caution as she touched the spine.
“Considering your current state, it would be a problem to get ahead of ourselves and have another person lose their memory, so I haven’t let anyone read it.”
“I should point out we still haven’t confirmed that the book is what caused me to lose my memories.”
“Ha!”
Even if he didn’t find it convincing himself, Subaru still puckered his lips a little at having his statement laughed off like that.
“Anyway…” Beatrice turned her distinctive patterned eyes to the book Ram was holding. “We managed to find what we were looking for. Next is deciding how to use it, I suppose.”
Tension filled the air, quickly replacing the joy of finding the book. If they messed up, they could lose their memories. It was a lot like saying “Here, drink this suspicious, unlabeled elixir.” It was suicidal, no matter how many lives you had to waste.
“Let’s talk about what we can speculate about the potential dangers.”
“…Is there really anything you can figure out, Echidna?”
“Something. Though all we have to work with is what happened and fragmentary information.” Echidna shrugged.
She held her hand up and raised her finger.
“First of all, the danger of the books of the dead… That one is simple. As Natsuki’s situation indicates, there is a possibility of losing your own memories. From what he’s said, the memory loss is partial…though in this case, it might be more precise to say what memories remain are fragmentary.”
Since what was lost was greater than what remained, that was indeed the clearer way of putting it. But it was also slightly misaligned with reality. The claim of fragmentary amnesia was just Subaru’s excuse to hide what he’d learned from Return by Death. The truth was that at the start of the first loop, he had lost all his memory in the truest sense—or more precisely, he had forgotten everything from the moment he first came to this world.
Based on that, it was better to assume there was no limit to how much could be lost. In fact, given the full spectrum of possibilities, maybe Subaru had been rather fortunate, since he had retained his sense of self.
The idea that he might’ve lost everything that made him an individual sent chills up Subaru’s spine. But at the same time, the question of why he had not lost his memories from his original world also reared its head.
“It doesn’t seem likely that memory loss is simply the price for reading the books of the dead. That is speculation based on the fact that Julius read a book just like Natsuki but has not shown any similar symptoms.”
“…I do not wish to think about it, but there is a possibility of minor memory loss. It is possible the degree of loss is related to how much was read, I suppose,” Beatrice objected.
“Agreed,” Julius responded. “In other words, the difference between my and Subaru’s situation could be the difference in the number of books we’ve read…which also matches what Miss Meili witnessed him doing last night.”
“ ”
Carefully following the wiser party members’ discussion, Subaru nodded at that theory.
“In other words, the number of books you read is what determines the memory loss?”
“That’s merely a possibility. If that theory is correct, it would suggest that one of us who hasn’t read a book of the dead should be the one to tackle Reid’s. It might be dangerous for Natsuki or Julius, who have already read books of the dead.”
One theory suggested that people who’d read the books before shouldn’t read any more, and the other theory suggested the opposite. Both sides were based in solid logic, and it was hard to see a significant flaw in either one. But what stuck out to Subaru was…
“Then what does that mean for me if I’ve lost my memory already? If the memory loss is tied to an overload of information from books of the dead, then did I get reset? Or not?”
“That’s a grave question. If you lose your memories again, we’ll have to explain everything to you again… The thought alone is horrifying,” Ram said.
“Seriously, that’s what you’re worried about?! It’s horrifying to me too, but come on!”
“Hmm… I’m really worried about that, too. I don’t want Subaru to forget so many things again.”
Ram and Emilia both affirmed Subaru’s concern, from different angles. But it was still just conjecture, and they didn’t know the truth yet. They didn’t have an answer to whether it was more or less dangerous for those with a greed for knowledge.
Subaru couldn’t really say it out loud, but he had the memory of reading Meili’s book of the dead in the last loop, too. Would that count as another reading this time as well?
“…What? You look like you’re thinking about having me read it to make up for what I did— Owww.”
“Of course not. Don’t say something so stupid, Meili. I’ll smack you.”
“This is abuse. Your treatment of prisoners is even worse than back at the manor.”
Subaru scolded the girl for saying something that shouldn’t be joked about. Meili’s cheeks puffed out, and she grabbed Emilia’s and Shaula’s hands and hid behind the two of them.
“Sheesh, talk about being quick to switch sides… So, anyone have any other thoughts?”
“The choices are one of us with no experience but one book more of leeway than Julius, Julius who has experience, or else Natsuki, who has maybe been overwhelmed from reading too many ones already…” Echidna listed the options.
“I’m gonna say something really selfish, but…I think it would be best if I was the one to read it.”
“Subaru…”
Beatrice grabbed Subaru’s hand as he said that. Her eyes were more concerned than uneasy as Subaru winked at her.
“This isn’t the time for jokes. Your memory is…”
“Of course I don’t want to lose my memory. But from a risk management perspective, this is the right choice. No matter how you look at it, if someone has to lose their memory, then it should be me, to keep the damage to a minimum. And I’m the weakest one here, too.”
He didn’t think he was weaker than Meili, but it had already been proved in practice that he couldn’t win against anyone else. He could be easily restrained, and he would have lost his memories, so it would be easy to deal with him.
The problem was that he had started accumulating new memories he couldn’t afford to forget, during the past four loops.
“I don’t intend to lose my memories. But we’re a team. Everyone has to do what they can for the sake of everyone else.”
“ ”
“Julius is handling fighting, Echidna’s the brain, Ram’s got the sharp tongue, Meili is cute, and so is Beatrice, while Emilia-chan is obviously the beautiful heroine, and Shaula has the gravure scenes. That means this job is meant for me.”
“I feel like there were a lot of pointless roles there…”
“That’s not true at all! When the lights go out, it’s important to have a sultry scene! I’ll strip for Master’s art!”
“No, I’m going to freak if you get any more naked than you already are, so you don’t have to try so hard.”
“I got left high and dry!”
Everyone present understood that this was just Subaru’s way of working through things. And the first one who decided to let him have his way was Beatrice, who was still holding his hand.
She heaved a sigh and stared at Subaru…
“Once you get stubborn like this, there is no changing your mind. In that sense, you aren’t any different even after losing your memory. Though I already learned that from the incident with Meili, I suppose.”
“Hee-hee, but you still love me anyway, right? You’re making me blush.”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself!”
Beatrice’s face reddened, and she slapped him on the hip. But she didn’t seem to disagree with him. And everyone else seemed to feel the same way.
“If you forget your promise, I will pulverize you.”
“What was that for?! I just finished a nice little monologue!”
“What indeed.”
Ram snorted and pushed the book she was holding into Subaru’s arms. Feeling the heavy tome in his hands, Subaru gave a strained laugh.
“Even if I ask you not to do anything reckless, you still do it anyway… That is really unfair. I’m always worrying.”
“I can’t really say anything except I’m sorry. But I worry about you just as much as you worry about me… Or is it a little too presumptuous to say that?”
“I appreciate you feeling that way. But it gives me really mixed feelings. Make sure you come back…but no promises. If you made a promise, you would definitely break it.”
“I’m actually kind of curious now how untrustworthy past me was. What did I do?”
Shrugging at Emilia’s cheering words, Subaru looked around at everyone. But as he did, everyone looked away. Apparently, he was a terrible repeat offender.
Either way, though…
“Is there any objection to me reading it?”
“…In the end, all of our guesses are just speculation. I wanted to pick the choice that was least likely to be dangerous to everyone here, but…”
Echidna’s eyebrows drooped apologetically as Subaru hefted the book. There was no doubting that she meant what she said. Subaru simply told her not to worry about it.
“All right, I’ll get to it. If my memories go, freeze me in ice and give me a serious talking to.”
“Who would do something so violent, I wonder?”
“I know you wouldn’t. Because you’re nice.”
Patting Beatrice’s head as she regarded him with open concern, Subaru poked her big forehead. Beatrice pouted unhappily and then took a step back.
Gathering everyone’s attention, Subaru plunked himself down on the ground, crossed his legs, and took a deep breath.
Reid Astrea’s book of the dead was on his lap.
“ ”
It did feel almost ominous. This was similar to when he read Meili’s book of the dead, but the pressure coming from this book was even greater.
The feeling really does change, depending on whose book you pick up, huh? What sort of life am I going to experience?
…And can my memory handle it?
“ ”
Putting his hand on the cover, Subaru glanced up at the people watching him.
Beatrice, Meili, Ram, Echidna, Julius, and Shaula were all watching.
And…
“—Subaru.”
“All right, I’ll be back. I might be out a while, so you can have dinner without me.”
“…Dummy…”
With Emilia’s smile seeing him off, he opened the book.
In an instant, the characters written on the page floated up, and it felt almost like the information was passing through his eyes and slamming into his brain. And in the span of an instant, he was pulled into the book—
—His consciousness cut away from the archive to darkness.
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