CHAPTER 86: WITH DISREGARD TO CHANCES OF SUCCESS
The event astonishes Subaru so much that he forgets the pain of being punched.
Subaru raises his head as he lies toppled on the ground, Otto glaring at him. Upon that normally pitiable, blank-smile-wearing, assuredly-not-intensely-emotional-in-the-least expression are eyes harbouring a definite and blazing fury.
Otto Swein's eyes host rage as he looks down on Subaru. Otto: “You don't know what to do, and your head's jumbled up.” Subaru: “—” Otto: “Always whenever you need help, with your own skills and smarts and strengths insufficient, you fight desperately running and running and running around, accomplishing only the passage of time.” Otto step-by-step closes distance on the silent Subaru. Hands and feet to the ground and unable to move, grimacing as the heat of his left cheek only now starts asserting itself, all Subaru can do is stare at Otto.
Otto: “Silence means no denials, and so affirmation. In our world it's the lowest of deeds, liable only for suckering. Are you listening to me?” Otto reaches out to the wordless Subaru, grabs his collar, hoists him up. Otto: “If you're listening, then speak to me!”
Subaru: “—!” A sharp, hard impact strikes Subaru in the forehead. His vision dances with fireworks. The disoriented Subaru realises that he has just eaten a headbutt from Otto. One more headbutt once again from Otto sends the dazed Subaru pitching back. Pain to his brow, pain to his cheek, shoved backwards and stumbling is Subaru. Not even he could go without saying something when all this has been done to him, and—
Subaru: “Fuck're, you doing...”
Otto: “Oho, so for all the punches and damage you really were still conscious. I was nigh-certain I had just practised some pathetic violence upon a sleeping man.” Subaru: “Hell'dy—!?” In tears from the second headbutt which struck him in the nose, Subaru leaves himself to rage as he reaches to grab Otto. But Otto slips aside the outstretched arm, evading it, instead violently sweeping Subaru's legs out from under him—knocking him down. Subaru: “Ghhah!?”
Otto: “Just when your head has some proper activity to it, now it's your footing that's unattended. Isn't this exactly what your activities are, pathetic.”
Subaru: “Rea... lly, now!”
Springing up to his feet, Subaru throws the fistful of dirt he grasped during the fall at Otto's face. But having read the movement, Otto guards his face with his arm. Subaru's shock at having his blinding attempt seen though makes him slow to take action when Otto swiftly approaches. He grabs the rear of Subaru's collar as he slams his fist into his stomach, hurling him away.
Slamming to the ground back-first, ricocheting off the earth, the shock and the pain halt Subaru's breathing. While he had been tossed to a spot with heavy pilings of fallen leaves, that did not mean they absorbed the entirety of the impact. With numbness running all the way down to his toes, the gasping Subaru cannot stand up.
Otto: “Well I'd suppose we'd call the attempt at slyness typical of you, Natsuki-san. Although it didn't work against me, who had been anticipating it.”
Subaru: “...khh, ghhau,”
Otto: “See, Natsuki-san. This is what your strength amounts to. You'll never achieve to the level of the Knights, or Roswaal-sama, or especially not Garfiel. Even against me, here is what you have.”
Otto shakes his head in astonishment, his words piercing Subaru as he frantically parcels oxygen into his convulsing lungs. Otto walks over to the side of Subaru—who is without capacity to voice rebuttal—where he squats down, and draws his face near.
Otto: “Picking fights with the White Whale and the Witch Cult is ridiculous. You're weak, and the best you can manage in a straight fight is being snapped dead by a single finger. You surely understand this.”
Subaru: “—”
Otto: “So, do you mean to compensate for your lack of strength with wits? From what I've seen, you do look to have a wiliness to you, but... assuredly no decision-making ability or intelligence notably above average. Even your common knowledge is lacking.”
Irritation comes interspersed with ragged breaths as Subaru fails to understand what Otto is trying to say. The convulsing of his lungs, shock of being punched, and pain to his brow and cheek have slightly faded. Instead what comes alongside his returned calm is a lack of understanding behind the intention of Otto's piling words.
Otto: “Your strength and wits are lacking, so if we're to assume you have something else to compensate for this... well, there isn't really anything. You're small, your reach is short, you are the kind of person you could find anywhere. That kind of person, and yet you still desire incredibly for disproportionately great things.”
Subaru: “Wh-at've... you been, saying, this whole?” Otto: “You know you're lacking and incapable, and so what do you come up with as your secondary plan, well it's to corner yourself further, whittling yourself down in an attempt to withdraw something that isn't there... I finally understand how Patrasche-chan felt.”
Subaru: “Patrasche?” Subaru's eyes widen in surprise.
Patrasche. That black dragon was a steed wasted on Subaru, who had even gotten herself wounded to save her master from a terrible dilemma, a benefactor who had taught him an important lesson. Otto sticks his fingers in his grey hair, his voice annoyed, and barbed. Otto: “So, here you see,” Otto: “Wearing pretensions around the girl you love is plenty well enough. I think that a necessary pretence, and will respect that. That you'd want to speak of words and things which don't match to your calibre is I suppose inevitable. That much I will overlook.”
Emilia. Subaru's attitude, toward Emilia. Otto: “And I'll pardon you wearing pretensions for the girl who loves you. Again it's necessary. In a relationship of liking to loving, I believe the loved too carries a responsibility. Showing off with pretensions for the sake of who loves you is important. I will pardon it.”
Rem. Once, Subaru had told Otto this exact same thing. That he was showing off around Rem. Because she loves him.
Otto: “But you see, that's where you stop.” Otto juts his face closer. Subaru shrinks up his shoulders in anticipation of another headbutt. Practically snarling, Otto,
Otto: “You know that you're lacking. You know that you're incapable. You want to show off to the girl you like. You want to be someone that the girl who likes you can boast about.”
Subaru: “—” Otto: “So then, if it's just to compensate for the things invisible to these girls, to these people, then how about enlisting some help? —Say, from a friend?”
Pulling his face away, Otto communicates his final statement with his palm placed to his chest. Subaru gives a tiny sigh.
Subaru honestly had conceived this.
He assuredly had considered clinging, relying on somebody in that fashion. Of course he had. Otto was exactly correct—Subaru was aware that he was weak and lacking. He was not conceited enough, and did not appraise himself kindly enough, to regard himself capable of absolutely everything on his own.
Had he not made efforts, seeking Echidna and Roswaal's collaboration to compensate for the things he lacked? And what happened was that far from gaining their cooperation, he learned truths he didn't want to know and was wounded further. He had already attempted this solution of Otto's. Otto's complaints were misdirected. This route had already been closed off.
Subaru: “—Hah.”
Otto: “Is there something so funny?”
With his heart reaching this dry conclusion, the same dryness take shape in his cheeks. Seeing Otto scrunch his brows in discomfort, Subaru's red and swelling face catches Otto in its perception.
Subaru: “Your misaimed ideas are wrong. ...It's not that I haven't relied on anyone. I've already tried everything I could think of that might work. ...I tried relying on those who I trusted I could, and then...”
His hopes betrayed, but nevertheless unable to surrender, himself left with only clueless frustration. And to top it off Emilia rejected his ideas of needing to save and protect her, and he realised that he had been belittling Emilia as A WEAK PERSON WHO NEEDS MY PROTECTION.
Having experienced many things, met many people, said flashy lines, barked that he would do something, rejected resolve to die and instead resolved to live, presented himself as having moved on somewhat, ultimately Subaru had not moved even a single step backwards or forwards. He could not find a single means to alter this deadlock.
Depleted even of dry smiles, Subaru's cheeks cover with a cold, stiff expression. Otto's lips quiver at Subaru's silent bewailing.
Otto: “...But, Natsuki-san, I don't recollect you ever relying on me yet.”
Subaru: “—”
Otto: “I don't merit relying upon, or it'd be pointless... that's the fashion you've dismissed me. Or otherwise, from your perspective... I give the impression that you have to protect me, a target.”
That he attempts to suppress the emotion in his shaking voice conversely makes the emotion cacophonous. This was a glimpse of Otto's rage, sorrow, of intense emotions lacking any outlet. Touched by the wake of Otto's overflowing emotion, Subaru realises that his words have unintentionally hurt him, and he immediately shakes his head.
Subaru: “No, wrong.”
Otto: “Well, what am I wrong about? It'd be strange if I was wrong. If I was, then what reason is there for you to shrink back by yourself without saying anything?”
Subaru: “That I didn't... communicate you anything, wasn't because I didn't trust you. You're wrong about that.”
Otto: “—”
Shaking his head, Subaru's gaze wanders about as Otto says nothing. His green eyes simply stare, fixedly at Subaru.
Overwhelmed by the gaze and so lowering his eyes, Subaru muddies his words as he puts his hand to his forehead. It wasn't that he didn't have faith in Otto. Otto had staked his life to protect Subaru during these loops, and Subaru was sincerely grateful for his niceness in associating with him in this money-unrelated situation. That he considered him a friend was not a lie.
But how to reveal the truth of his situation to Otto? If only he were like Echidna or Roswaal, people to whom Subaru's situation would communicate. While he may have to evade any statements that would trigger the taboo, Subaru could at least manage conversation about it with them. But not Otto. Otto is not that. Not Emilia, nor Ram, nor the other main players in SANCTUARY knew a single thing about Subaru's situation.
Subaru cannot explain the predicament he's in without mentioning the witches and RETURN BY DEATH. Even should he communicate what will happen, and that there were attacks coming from the Sizeable Hare and on the mansion, he could not in the slightest demonstrate how he attained that information or on what basis he claimed it.
What should he say in this situation to get someone to believe him? Could he even hope for such a thing?
He knew he wasn't strong enough, wasn't smart enough, and was weak. And so ultimately Subaru needed to gain the aid of others to achieve his wishes. His role was to construct the route to attain those necessary collaborators. But he failed to fulfil that necessary role, and come to a standstill.
Subaru: “I can't explain any of it well. My head's a mess... you were right, it's a complete jumble and nothing is... no explanation I give can be logical.”
Otto says nothing.
Subaru: “It's all entirely stuff where you wouldn't believe it even if I told you... just how to talk about it... and so it's, not to you or anybody, nothing...”
Otto: “...Please try saying it.” Subaru: “—Whuh?” Subaru reflexively raises his head. Otto looks down at him, arms crossed. Otto: “I said, please try saying it. Even if it's illogical, stuttering and disorderly, and your head's such a mess that you can't tell it coherently, I'll listen to the end without any quits.” Subaru: “No, but, that...” Otto: “There... that! I told you to stop with that pretension!” Yells Otto as he kicks at the ground, entirely out of patience.
Subaru's eyes widen at the abrupt shouting. Otto jabs his finger at him. Otto: “If you've got the time to brood over these annoying points of lacking evidence to prompt trust, or lacking any basis of believability, or being unable to speak according to logic, then don't you think spewing and confessing everything in your head to be far more constructive than shrinking back!” Subaru: “But even, saying that... I! I don't, for making you believe this mishmash...” Otto: “—State the mishmash! Then all you have to do is yell BELIEVE ME! at the end! Because we're friends!”
—The insides of his head, and all of the cluttered and tangled emotions in him, feel to have been blast away by Otto's scream. Otto's statements are quite lacking in any real basis, and logically speaking have not a speck of persuasiveness to them. Nevertheless, they are more than enough to give a push to the back of a motionless and stuck Subaru.
Subaru: “You might, not be able to believe all this, but...” It does not take him that much time to voice the problems he had harboured in solitude.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Subaru: “And from there, Roswaal's gotten a hit man to attack the mansion... and there he's trying to corner me and Emilia so we have nowhere to run... basically.”
While terrified of the arm's potential appearance and paying utmost caution to it, Subaru finishes explaining his situation. Otto had silently listened to Subaru the entire time without any interjection, his brow crinkled.
Subaru: “The information I've got right now's... or I mean it's really not that exact, but anyway that's all of it. Hiding nothing, all of it.”
The stuff about the witches' tea party and RETURN BY DEATH is of course not included. Since his speech was entirely devoid of that stuff, his story definitely sits on patchy bases. To the point that even he himself had started feeling sick while talking, with how weak the links between his information was. He is on edge for what Otto's reaction will be. How would the Otto who asserted 'you just have to add a Believe Me! on the end' judge this story?
Otto: “Natsuki-san...”
Subaru says nothing.
Following a long silence, Otto unfolds his arms as he looks at Subaru. Seeing himself reflected in Otto's green eyes, Subaru unwittingly swallows his breath. What would Otto's first statement be? The beat of his heart thumps with horrific noise. To the tense Subaru, Otto speaks.
Otto: “There's no way I can pretend I didn't hear this and run away now, is there?”
Subaru: “Wha—ahhuh!?”
Subaru yelps as he gets this extraordinary off-kilter reply. But Otto yells over Subaru's surprise.
Otto: “After all!”
Otto: “We're trapped in a place with the Sizeable Hare approaching, to escape we have to rely on Emilia and her questionable capabilities of defeating the TRIAL, if we at least try to evacuate the people who won't trigger the barrier we get impeded by Mr. Clueless, and if we do reach the mansion we'll find that an assassin is visiting on the Lord of the Manor's orders... just what is this situation!?”
Subaru: “That's what I wanna know!! Why do I have to be herded into this stupid, ridiculous thing! I mean I already knew it, but does God just actually hate me! Well I hate him too!!”
Supposing there existed a God of Fate, then unmistakably that god hated Subaru. The idea that they weren't trying to do anything detestable was absurd. But cursing the god for it would not bring any advancement or back-pedalling or change or difficulty drops to this situation. And before getting to all that,
Subaru: “Hold on, Otto. I mean I get wanting to flip out like that, but... you believe this insane, no-grounds story?”
Otto: “—”
Subaru: “A super-annoying witchbeast's closing in, we need Emilia for escaping, Garfiel'll interrupt everyone's escape, Roswaal's fucking double-crossing us thanks to his whatever-the-hell ideas.... you believe this story?”
Saying it himself, it really sounds like an aggregation of inconvenient situations. The big problems are the parts about the Hare's attack and Roswaal being the mastermind behind the assault on the mansion, which lack any explanatory bases. Those two are the ones which are life-threatening, and Subaru entirely lacks any evidence to persuade others into believing them.
How did you divine potents of the coming Sizeable Hare, a piece of information that anyone in the world would want? How could Roswaal be operating in plots that would disadvantage Emilia, his ally in the Royal Selection? Subaru could give no explanation for either.
Otto: “Natsuki-san.”
After of period of silence with his eyes closed, Otto answers Subaru's question. He raises a finger.
Otto: “Up until now, I've ventured around quite a few locales, and although I may be me I have had interactions with rather many people.”
Subaru: “...Can tell if someone's trustworthy by looking in their eyes, or something?”
Otto: “No, I don't adhere to that superstition. When you're a merchant, you'll come to learn very well over your experiences that people are beings who can deceive and ruin others without any fog in their gaze at all. I do have some amount of experience with that.”
Although bragging about it, wouldn't this mean he's been tricked enough times to be able to? Unable to throw in the teasing when it's partway through an important discussion, Subaru keeps his mouth shut as Otto continues.
Otto: “So there's how I met various people, and did my breed of business negotiations. It's been about four years since I left my home to begin merchanting, and although through both good and bad I've managed to survive.”
While Otto's tone as he speaks about it is rather light, most likely the time was not an easy one for him. He must have been in countless life-or-death situations. This was a world where just crossing a meadow had one liable to encounter the White Whale, and so Subaru could imagine the various perils a travelling merchant would face. Wild dogs, robbers, those kinds of threats too.
Otto: “Through those days I lived as a decent merchant... And I'm confident that I have always opted for the choices I could calculate as more likely being the successful. That didn't mean they always produced results, but... or really, it was more that the side I had thought the winner would afterwards be an incredible disaster, and so there were no results...”
Subaru: “Hey...”
Otto: “Leaving aside whether the outcomes were good or bad, I've intended to pick my choices in a way where I would not regret the decision itself. Since I believe it necessary to know clearly what it is I'm staking, and what it is I'm wagering.”
While Subaru can't tell just what Otto's criteria for making choices is based upon, he can at least figure that he has always elected for the option which his calculations found more probable as being successful. That he accompanied Subaru to SANCTUARY, seeking to make connection with Roswaal, was entirely because he wanted to leave an impression on Roswaal, considering what effects that would have for his future. On that front Otto behaved very well as a realist. And so Subaru's thoughts were that Otto heeding his words, baseless and without hope of success, would—
Otto: “And so this is a first, Natsuki-san.”
Subaru: “—Huh?”
Confused at what he's hearing, Subaru's mouth drops open as he looks at Otto. With a stupidly cheery expression—
Otto: “For acting with disregard to chances of success, and so opting for the choice with no visible hope of winning, this is a first.”
—Otto asserts.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
His legs speed on. His breath runs out. Pursuing his heart as it outspeeds him over the meadow, impatient, Subaru's body cases in wind.
Slicing through the cool morning air, giving great swings of his arms, Subaru runs step after giant step. He kicks off on the dirt, steps on the stones, dashing perfectly straight along the shoddy path.
What eventually cuts into the sprinting Subaru's vision is his destined building. His cheeks twist with unwitting exhilaration, unveiling his teeth. His tongue hanging out his mouth like a dog's, breathing ragged, Subaru bounds forward as he shoves his arm for the building's entrance.
And,
Subaru: “—Roswaal!”
Belting the door open, Subaru tumbles into the building. He steps over the entryway, dashes through the lounge connected to the living room, and shoves the flimsy door open with a force liable to break it. Inside is Roswaal, upright on the bed, with Ram caring for him professionally. Subaru sights the surprise flashing over both of their faces.
Getting such an unguarded reaction from the always-untouchable Roswaal and always-apathetic and brazen Ram together was rare. A good omen for the present, where he was attempting something he never had before.
Linking their surprise to thoughts of good fortune, Subaru jabs his finger at the yet-wordless master and servant.
Subaru: “—Let's make a bet. Between you and me, with a wish as the chip.”
No Comments Yet
Post a new comment
Register or Login