Ryuuou no Oshigoto! - Volume 14 - Chapter 5.2

  BECAUSE IT GOT SERIOUS

“Haaaaa–––––…………”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

Memories start playing out in my head …… memories of the first time I played against Master.

I took a deep breath like this one back then, too.

That day, I moved the Pawn in front of my Rook forward with all my strength.

…… But, right now–––.

“………………………………”

I hold it in and can’t bring myself to make the first move.

Master?

Do you understand why?

I think the girl I was before would have moved it right away. She would’ve kept walking straight forward all the way to the ends of the earth.

She’d have Master’s fan clenched in her hand, and jump right into his arms like it was nothing.

But the girl I am now can’t even slide that one little piece forward ……

I love Shogi, and I love Master.

I want to be with them forever. I want Master to always be the only one to ever teach me how to play.

But ………… It’s scary.

My heart jumps every time I make a move nowadays.

Learning new sequences and seeing my Shogi get better and better used to be so much fun …… I couldn’t wait until it was my turn, but now making a move scares me ……

My fingers tremble whenever I snap a piece down.

They tremble so much that I can’t use my captured pieces very well.

Making a mistake is scary.

Losing is scary.

I don’t hate playing Shogi. Just the opposite.

It has to be because I got serious about it.

Shogi is scary because of how much it means to me. I’m scared of losing something important.

I think the more I fell in love with Shogi …… the scarier it got.

Um, Master?

I’m terrified right now. So very very terrified.

Because the more I love something, the scarier it gets.

So, you see ……

I’m afraid of your touch.

I’m afraid of living together.

I’m afraid of your voice. I’m afraid of silence during our conversations.

I’m afraid of being hated, of being rejected, of being abandoned. Being together with you is scary ………… Seeing you looking at other people is scary.

I’m scared.

I’m scared that you’ll fall in love with someone else.

I’m scared …… that you’ll find out how I feel.

Umm? Master?

I …… am not a good girl. I don’t deserve to be your apprentice.

I know that we are connected by Shogi.

I know that Shogi is always supposed to be number one.

I know that as a Women’s Player, I have to claim a title.

Despite all that, when we spent the day in Kanazawa together without Shogi at all–––.

This is what I thought.

If only Shogi didn’t exist ……

If it weren’t for Shogi, you’d be a regular boy.

If it weren’t for Shogi, you would’ve never met that girl.

Even without Shogi, I still might’ve met you.

Even without Shogi, I just know I still ………… would have developed feelings for you.

Can I be honest? I’m still going back and forth on this.

After I learned that she would be leaving the picture, I felt so much all at once that my heart didn’t know what to do ……

“Now I can have Master all to myself!” 

“No, no …… If I don’t put some space between us now, I’ll never get any stronger ……” 

“But Master can’t make it by himself when he’s hurting so much, right?” 

“Though, she would be hurt if I were the only one who got to be alone with Master, right? That wouldn’t be fair at all ……”