Seishun Buta Yarou Series - Volume 6 - Chapter 4

Chapter 4 - Two Paths

1

Three respective silences filled the air.

One belonged to Sakuta. Another to grown-up Shouko. And the last was Mai’s.

The palpable silence was finally broken by Mai’s footsteps. She crossed the room, moving over to Sakuta’s bed. She looked at him first, then turned to Shouko.

“You mean…?” she started.

“……”

How should he answer? How should he respond? He wasn’t at all sure. It was plainly not a situation he could worm out of or insist was insignificant. All three of them could feel the tension in the air, which was why the silence was so intense. You could cut the tension with a knife.

Then Shouko exhaled. Very deliberately. Both turned to look at her.

“Ten days from now,” she began.

Had she realized there was no getting out of this, or had she always meant to tell Mai? Shouko certainly seemed to be taking it in stride.

“December twenty-fourth.”

That was Christmas Eve. Not that far in the future.

“It’ll be the coldest day all winter, and like the weather reports promise, it’ll start to snow come afternoon. So much snow it sticks, even this far south.”

There was an open question in Mai’s eyes, but she said nothing. She didn’t want to interrupt. No matter how many doubts this speech raised, she was choosing to hear Shouko out first.

“Sakuta promises to meet you for a date, and on his way there…a car skids on some ice.”

Shouko was describing events that hadn’t happened yet like they already had. Her words held neither hope nor despair. They were a plain statement of fact. Nothing more, nothing less. This was simply what Shouko knew to be true, the natural progression of events in her reality. Shouko was from six or seven years in the future, and events taking place ten days from now were in the distant past for her.

“How do you know…?” Mai asked. The obvious question.

“Because I’m from the future.”

Mai’s brow furrowed briefly. She caught Shouko’s eye, considered her words for a moment, and then turned to Sakuta.

“It’s true,” he said, nodding.

At the very least, she’d been right about Mai’s and Kaede’s Christmas plans. And Kaede’s in particular was not something you could blindly guess.

Mai thought about this for a long moment.

“Okay…,” she said.

“Sakuta is taken to the hospital but never comes to. Eventually, he’s declared brain-dead.”

He’d known as much from the moment he realized the truth, but hearing this from her carried a very different weight. It hit him hard.

Sakuta’s hand moved to his chest.

“……”

He could feel his heart beating.

“They find an organ donor card among Sakuta’s possessions. When he’s declared brain-dead, they get permission from his family—or so I was told later.”

When Mai said nothing, Sakuta let out a low noise. His throat was dry, and the sound caught in it.

What had gone through his father’s mind when he got that call? Informed of his son’s death, then moments later asked to approve the use of his organs?

There would have been no time to process his emotions. But his future father had respected Sakuta’s wishes and approved the donorship.

Shouko was living proof of that. She’d received the transplant and was alive and healthy.

“Three days after the accident, on December twenty-seventh…I was in the ICU, kept alive thanks to a ventricular assist device. And miraculously, a donor heart arrived just in time.”

Shouko put her hands to her chest again. Closing her eyes, as if listening closely to the heartbeat inside.

“……”

He didn’t know what to ask. She’d already said everything he’d wanted to know. It had only taken a couple of minutes to relate the facts. The facts of Sakuta’s death.

“And when you woke…?” he asked after some thought. Shouko had probably been asked this many times. But he’d chosen to ask it because it was a question his future self would not be able to ask her himself.

“When I woke up after the operation, none of it seemed real. The anesthetic was still in effect, and I fell asleep again in no time.”

“……”

“But the next time I woke, I saw my mom’s eyes red from crying, and I knew she’d been sobbing the whole time, and I was so happy, I cried, too.”

“Good,” he said, finding himself relieved to hear it.

“My father kept saying ‘Thank goodness’ over and over, and I was just so relieved. I could finally feel my own heartbeat.”

“……”

“Ba-bump, ba-bump. The heart that saved me. It was always there…”

Her voice was choked with tears. The emotions of that moment came rushing back to her. More tears welled up in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. She brushed them off with her fingers.

“I had no way of knowing who the donor was, then. I just kept repeating ‘Thank you’ again and again to whoever it was.”

There was peace in her eyes. A wealth of kindness. This “Thank you” was clearly meant for Sakuta.

“I didn’t start to suspect anything until the mandatory rest period ended, and I was transferred from the ICU to a regular room. Normally, you only find out who the donor is under extraordinary circumstances. But…”

In Shouko’s case, those circumstances aligned. It wasn’t even that dramatic. It was just simple logic.

“You found out because you knew me.”

“Yeah,” she whispered, nodding. “When I tried to call you to tell you about the operation, I couldn’t get through. At first, I didn’t know why, but…”

Shouko lifted her head and looked at Mai.

“…there was someone who’d seen everything,” she said. A pained look on her face. “Mai told me everything. She said I’d find out eventually, if I tried to go see you.”

“……”

Mai said nothing. This was something she didn’t know yet. What must have been going through future Mai’s head when she chose to tell Shouko the truth?

Sakuta had no idea. It was likely the current Mai didn’t know, either.

“That’s about all there is to say,” Shouko concluded, looking rather sad. Considering the weight of what she had revealed, it had taken very few words. “That’s the story of how Sakuta saved my life.”

“……”

He had no words. Did it still not feel real? Or was something else washing over him? Either way, Sakuta couldn’t bring himself to speak.

“……”

Mai seemed to be in the same condition. She wasn’t meeting Sakuta’s eye, or Shouko’s. She was just staring absently at the bed frame.

“So for Christmas this year, I recommend you have a quiet date at home,” Shouko said, her voice suddenly very cheerful.

If he stayed home and didn’t go out, then there was no way he’d get hit by a car on the twenty-fourth. He’d never be taken to the hospital or declared brain-dead. And he wouldn’t become Shouko’s donor.

The future would change.

He’d have changed it.

The transplant Shouko should have received would never happen.

“Don’t worry.”

“But…”

“Little me still has time left. Have some faith in modern medicine.”

“Says the time traveler…”

There was more he should have said. But he couldn’t find the words to say it. He hadn’t sorted through his own feelings at all.

Sakuta wasn’t sure what was important, what he should protect, or what he should choose. How could he have anything to say to Shouko, who’d already accepted all of it?

“I’m sure another donor will come along.”

Shouko’s smile was like a warm hug. One that made him feel safe and secure.

“Right,” she said, getting up from her stool. “Not safe to stay long in the same hospital as little me, so I’m gonna head on back.”

“……”

“……”

Neither Sakuta nor Mai moved a muscle. Neither of them could respond at all.

“Mai,” Shouko said.

“…Yes?”

“Look after Sakuta.”

“I don’t need you to tell me that,” Mai said, but her voice shook.

“Maybe not!”

Shouko beamed back at her. Nothing about this was cheerful, but she looked like she’d accomplished a grand deed. Sakuta didn’t realize what that meant. His head was spinning too fast to pick up on anything that nuanced. All he could do was watch her leave.

Sakuta and Mai settled the bills and paperwork, and they left the hospital about twenty minutes after Shouko.

Their only option had been to explain away the scars as an old wound that had reopened, but since the bleeding had subsided, the doctor they met with hadn’t questioned them further.

Sakuta asked about little Shouko, but all he got was “We can’t share much information, even if you are acquainted.” But the doctor did let them know she was undergoing an operation to implant a device that would keep her heart beating. Sakuta was grateful for that information.

There was nothing he could accomplish by hanging around the hospital any longer. And if something brought the conversation back to the wounds on his chest, it could get awkward, so he headed to the entrance, where Mai was waiting.

“It all work out?” she asked.

“I wriggled out of it, yeah.”

“Good.”

With that, they left the hospital grounds.

“……”

“……”

For a long time, neither of them spoke.

But Sakuta assumed they were thinking about the same things. In fact, he was certain of it.

So when Mai suddenly said, “Then it’s all true,” he didn’t have to ask what.

“Don’t see why Shouko would lie about this.”

“I wish she was.”

“……”

They’d danced around it briefly but were soon back to silence.

They were walking slower than usual, their breaths visible in the cold air. It felt like they both needed the extra time. Needed this moment of quiet.

To understand the truth.

To accept the truth.

It took time and silence to process the reality of it.

Mai was so close their shoulders almost touched, and Sakuta could feel her there, but he kept his eyes straight ahead.

At last, without further conversation, they reached his apartment building.

Sakuta started to head in, then realized Mai had stopped behind him. He could feel her looking at him. So as he turned, he spoke first.

“Uh, Mai…”

He hadn’t reached any kind of conclusion. In no way had his emotions caught up to the facts. He was just driven by an instinctive feeling that he had to be the first to speak. That he couldn’t punt the choice of his life to her.

“Mai, um…”

He was definitely stalling. He didn’t have anything to follow through with. He couldn’t find any other words. He was drawing a blank. No, there was one thing. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he considered saying a definitive good-bye. It got as far as his throat, but he’d learned earlier that evening exactly what hearing that felt like, and he couldn’t bring himself to do that.

 “Don’t come to see me anymore.”

Shouko had summoned all her courage to say that to him, and it had been brutal for both of them.

“Sakuta,” Mai said when he hesitated.

He looked up, and her beautiful eyes were looking right at him.

“I’m not going to lose you.”

“……”

He couldn’t respond in any meaningful way, primarily because he was so stunned she’d read his hesitation that accurately. And she’d cut him off before he could do anything as stupid as asking her to forget him.

“We’ll have to change our date plans, though.”

“……”

“Nodoka has a Christmas concert, so she’ll be out. We could hang out at my place, just the two of us. I’ll be working all day, so I’ll buy a big old Christmas cake on the way home.”

Mai’s voice seemed to be filling up the silent night air around them.

“For New Year’s, we should visit the Tsurugaoka Hachimangu Shrine. The crowds will be intense on the first, so it might be better to do it after winter vacation ends.”

“…Yeah.”

“I’ll also make some chocolate for you on Valentine’s Day.”

“…Mm.”

“I’ll be graduating in the spring, but…I do plan to make enough time to tutor you occasionally, so be prepared.”

“Will you be wearing the bunny-girl outfit?”

“I’ll put it on once you’ve been accepted to college.”

“I can’t wait.”

On the surface, this was like all their interactions.

Their voices sounded bright and cheery.

But behind the words and smiles, Sakuta’s heart was empty. They were talking about the happy moments the future would bring, but he felt nothing. It didn’t seem as if they were talking about him. He felt no joy, pleasure, or happiness. Nor did he feel any anxiety, fear, or despair.

He was responding the right way, but those words didn’t feel like they came from his own free will.

December 24. Christmas Eve. Sakuta would die in a car accident on his way to a date with Mai.

He still hadn’t come to terms with what Shouko had told them about the future. He knew he had only ten days left to live, but it still didn’t feel like they were talking about his death. All he’d really understood was that he couldn’t imagine himself dying.

“And a year after that, we’ll start college together.”

“……”

“So I want you to choose a future with me. That’s my wish.”

Mai’s expression never changed. She held his gaze the whole time, only a faint trace of sadness in her eyes. Her voice never broke. She never got emotional. She was just calmly discussing their future together.

“I’m not gonna stay over tonight.”

“Okay.”

“I think that’s probably best.”

He needed time to think.

“You’re right.”

Sakuta and Mai both needed time. Especially because they knew they had so little left.

“Okay. Good night, then.” Mai waved good-bye.

“Yeah. Good night,” he said.

Mai went into the building across the street, and Sakuta watched her go.

She didn’t look back. Didn’t stop to give him one last impish grin or wave a second time.

When she was out of sight, Sakuta looked up at the sky and let out a long white breath.

“……”

But he said nothing at all.

2

The teacher stood at the blackboard, going over the English problems on the final exam. Nobody was paying much attention—vacation was too close at hand.

Their test sheets had come back, and some students were scowling at the scores, while others played with their phones under their desks.

Sakuta noted all this out of the corner of his eye but was also diligently taking notes. Making sure to write down the correct answers to everything he’d gotten wrong. In actuality, there weren’t that many. The number 82 was dancing at the top of his exam sheet. This was Nodoka’s doing. She’d taught him well, despite all her grumbling. But despite a record high grade, Sakuta didn’t take any real pleasure in it.

Four days had already gone by.

Four mornings since Sakuta had keeled over from the wounds on his chest.

That much time has passed since he’d learned he would get run over by a car on Christmas Eve.

It was now December 18. A Thursday.

Less than a week until his fate was sealed.

He was technically aware the date was approaching, but the concept still didn’t feel real to him. And that left him unsure what to do—so he just went through the motions of his daily routine.

Get up in the morning, get ready, go to school.

Sit through classes.

When those ended, go home. If he had a shift, work the hours he was scheduled for. If Tomoe was working, too, he’d tease her a bit to let off steam.

When night fell, he’d go to sleep and wake up in the morning. And then repeat the whole cycle.

He didn’t do a single extraordinary thing.

He was still stopping by to see Shouko after school, but she was confined to the ICU. Only her family could see her there, so he was mostly visiting an empty room.

Room 301, the one Shouko had been in. She was no longer on that bed. Her schoolbooks and notes were still there, as was the box of snacks Sakuta had brought her from Kanazawa. A shroud of sadness hung over the room. When Shouko had still been there, she’d given the place warmth and light, but now it felt sterile. Like time had stopped.

But yesterday—Wednesday—he’d popped in after work and happened to run into Shouko’s mother. She told him the surgery to prolong her life had been a success. Just as big Shouko had promised. The procedure had implanted a device that would keep her heart beating. He couldn’t bring himself to say “Good,” so he simply said “I’ll come again” before she could do the polite thing and tell him not to.

Well aware of Sakuta’s actions, big Shouko was still hanging out at his place. She’d wake him up when he overslept, make dinner, see him off, and welcome him back home. She really hadn’t changed at all. Like she was completely at peace. He had no clue how that was possible.

He’d barely spoken to Mai since then. They weren’t actively avoiding each other, but Mai’s schedule left them with little time to sit down together. In a certain light, this could be seen as Mai going through her routine, the same way Sakuta was his. Her schedule couldn’t be changed as easily. The famous “Mai Sakurajima” had a lot riding on her work. And Sakuta knew perfectly well how much Mai valued living up to that.

He’d forced her to tell him her thoughts on his future. Made her say those awful words.

 “I want you to choose a future with me. That’s my wish.”

The ball was back in Sakuta’s court. He was holding it gingerly in both hands. Showing no signs of tossing it back.

“……”

He realized he’d stopped taking notes.

“I’m sure none of you are in the mood, but reviewing your results is important,” their English teacher advised.

Sakuta looked up. The teacher had finished explaining the final essay and was brushing the chalk off his hands. Then the bell rang—fourth period was over. They had only morning classes this week, so classes were done for the day.

A few minutes later, the end-of-day homeroom began but concluded soon after, with nothing of importance discussed.

Sakuta picked up his bag, intending to stop by the hospital again. But as he stepped into the hall, someone grabbed his shoulder.

“Hey! Azusagawa!”

He turned his head to look and found Saki Kamisato glaring up at him. She had both hands on her hips like she was furious.

“What?”

“You’re on cleaning duty! You’ve skipped out three days in a row, so today you’re doing it all on your own!”

He checked the cleaning duty schedule. Saki was right. They were at the top of the alphabet.

He’d been too caught up in what was coming to realize he was ditching everyone.

“Sorry. I’ll make sure to handle it today.”

He put his bag back on his desk and opened the cleaning locker at the back. He took out the push broom and started sweeping trash toward the front of the room.

“Hey.”

He looked up and saw that Saki had followed him. She still looked angry.

“What?”

“Why didn’t you argue?”

“Huh?”

“Are you nuts?”

“I’m in the wrong here. And this was your idea.”

It seemed like a fair punishment for skipping three days. He didn’t see why he’d argue the point.

“Still!”

He had no idea what her problem was, but Saki was in a very bad mood.

“You and Kunimi having problems or something?”

“We’re doing fine.”

“Good, good. I wish you everlasting happiness,” he said in a totally normal tone of voice. He started sweeping again.

“Oh?”

That “Oh?” sounded irate. Had he said or done anything to provoke that?

“You know you oppose me dating him.”

Getting involved in this seemed like trouble, so he just kept cleaning.

“Oh, what’s the point?”

What was the point?

“Are you even listening?”

He considered ignoring her again, but he figured it would make her even more furious, so he gave up.

“I’m not opposed to anything. I’m sure you’ve got some attractive qualities I’ve just failed to perceive.”

“What does that even mean?”

“When I hear Kunimi talk about you, I can tell he really does love you.”

“……”

Saki was still glaring at him angrily, but she’d stopped putting that rage into words. Maybe he’d gotten through to her a bit. At least, he hoped so.

“You take the window side.”

“Huh?”

When he glanced up, he found her taking out another broom. She ignored his questioning look and started sweeping the hallway side of the room.

“What are you doing, Kamisato?”

“Cleaning.”

He could see that.

“Why?”

“I’m also on cleaning duty.”

“……”

This was ridiculous. They couldn’t even begin to communicate. But by all appearances, she’d decided to help, so he might as well accept her generosity.

“Uh, Kamisato.”

“……”

Saki didn’t even bother glancing his way. She was cleaning industriously, her butt pointed his way.

“I don’t want Kunimi killing me, so maybe don’t bend over that far in front of me.”

She instantly realized what he was getting at and snapped a hand to the back of her skirt. She swung around, looking furious.

“Drop dead!”

All he’d seen was gym shorts, so he thought this was a bit uncalled for.

“I plan to. Don’t worry.”

The words came out before he could stop them.

“What did you just say?”

At least he’d said it too quietly for her to hear.

“I said thanks for helping.”

Saki paused, and their eyes met. She soon looked away.

“D-don’t be ridiculous,” she whispered. Weirdly embarrassed. She quickly turned her back and started sweeping again.

“What was that?”

“I said drop dead!”

“Oh, right, right.”

He was smirking a bit. Not because Saki’s attitude was making him laugh, but because he was having a conversation like this, despite everything. And that struck him as funny. He’d learned what fate had in store for him and then immediately afterward had seen a whole new side of someone he’d always struggled with. How could he not laugh?

Even with two of them cleaning, the classroom was pretty big. It took three times as long as it usually would. Which made sense, since there were usually three times this many people on duty. If he’d been on his own, it would have taken even longer. He was definitely grateful for the help.

A full half hour after homeroom ended, the school’s ambiance had shifted right from “after class” to “club time.”

Not something Sakuta dealt with often, so he changed into his shoes and fled the building, making a beeline toward the gates.

But on the way, he heard a sound that made him stop. The rhythmic noise of a ball bouncing. A big, heavy ball. It came from the gym.

He wouldn’t normally have paid it any attention, but today something made him turn and head over to the gym doors.

The metal doors leading directly into the gym itself were standing open, and he had a clear view of the interior. A group of first-year girls were hanging around. “Kunimi is so cool!” “But he’s going out with Kamisato, right?” “Even if they broke up, he’d never look at you.”

The boy they were talking about was busy warming up, dribbling two balls at once.

Sakuta watched for a bit. Eventually, Yuuma noticed and looked up. Their eyes met. Yuuma briefly frowned, then took a shot with one ball and came over, dribbling the other. The first ball sailed smoothly across the court and passed right through the hoop. It didn’t even graze the rim. Just a soft little poof as the net swished. The girls all squealed.

“What’s up?”

“What’s up with you, Kunimi?”

“Huh?”

“Just how popular are you aiming to be?”

“You’re the one dating Sakurajima,” Yuuma cackled.

“Well, Mai is the cutest.”

“So you’re just here to brag?”

“Obviously not.”

“Then seriously, why are you here?”

Yuuma spun the ball on his finger.

“Just came to see you.”

“Aw, are you my girlfriend now?”

“Kamisato says shit like that?”

“She can be real charming, you know?”

Yuuma knew she and Sakuta didn’t get along, so he made a habit of regularly extolling her praises. He seemed to want his friends and girlfriend to get along.

“Speaking of her…”

If he didn’t give some reason for being here, Yuuma was gonna keep asking.

“What about her?”

“She helped me clean. Tell her thanks again for me, will you?”

“I’m lost.”

“If you wanna know more, take time out of your busy flirting schedule and have her tell you.”

“I mean, I planned to.”

“That’s all.”

Sakuta turned and started walking away.

“Sakuta,” Yuuma called after him.

Sakuta looked over his shoulder.

“See you later.”

A standard thing to say when you parted. An ordinary phrase with a promise to meet again built in.

“……”

Sakuta answered with a look. Not a “Sure” or a “Later.” He couldn’t even manage that much.

They had school again tomorrow. They might even pull a shift together at work. This wasn’t likely to be the last time they met, so why not say it?

But he didn’t respond. There was a clear reluctance to do so inside him. Somewhere along the line, his fear of the future had ballooned up within him.

“Not funny,” he muttered as he headed out the gate.

The warning bells were ringing at the railroad crossing. Sakuta stopped to wait, examining the emotions that were driving him.

Maybe this was the same feeling that had made him turn toward the sound of the basketball. A sudden urge to go see his friend.

Deep inside, the notion that there might not be another chance was gnawing at him. On an instinctual level.

It was obvious why.

He’d thought he was fretting about which choice to make, but over the last four days, the scale within him had tipped. Tipped without him realizing it.

And the thing that had finally made him aware of this was an ordinary conversation with a friend. That was all it took.

It didn’t require anything dramatic. This was how the world was. There was no telling what would do the trick. This time it had been Yuuma. And that fact left Sakuta making a face.

A train from Kamakura, bound for Fujisawa, rolled through the crossing behind the lowered gates. Sakuta should be on that train, but running now wasn’t gonna get him there in time.

The train headed off to his left, crossing a narrow river and coming to a halt beside a tiny station platform. The warning bells stopped, and the crossing gates lifted. It was quiet once again.

“Something good happen?”

The words came from right next to him. He knew that voice. He didn’t even have to look.

“Futaba…”

Rio was standing beside him.

The sound of her approach had been drowned out by the warning bells, and he hadn’t noticed at all.

“No club today?”

She normally holed up in the science lab after classes, doing experiments.

“I saw you out the window of the lab, so I took the day off.”

That wasn’t the reason he’d expected. He’d assumed something more prosaic, like the teacher who sponsored the club couldn’t stay late.

“Is that a romantic confession?”

“I feel like you’ve been avoiding me.”

“……”

This one was so unexpected, he forgot to respond at all. The gates had gone up ages ago, but he’d forgotten to cross, too.

He put that surprise into a look, staring at her from the side.

“Since the start of the week.”

“You’re imagining it.”

He didn’t think he could get out of having this conversation, but he put up a futile resistance. He certainly wasn’t about to just give up and spill the beans.

This wasn’t something he could get Rio’s advice on. He had to choose between two lives. His own or Shouko’s. That wasn’t a burden he could dump on Rio.

And she already knew a lot of it, which was why he’d been consciously avoiding her. There was no telling what might give her the hint she needed to realize the whole truth.

It had been just a theory, but circumstantial evidence had already led Rio to the idea that Shouko was from the future. If she knew Sakuta’s wounds were reacting funny, she might quickly realize they weren’t caused by regret and powerlessness. And the moment things stopped adding up, Rio would begin to question her hypothesis.

“What happened?”

“Like I said, you’re imagining this.”

“I know you collapsed on Sunday.”

“……”

“And that Shouko’s in the ICU. I went to the hospital yesterday.”

“Oh.”

It was so like her to do the legwork first.

“Then you already know?” he asked, raising the white flag.

“I have arrived at a possible explanation.”

She sounded disappointed. Like she’d really wanted her idea to be wrong. She’d wanted Sakuta to deny the whole thing.

“Every time your wounds open, Shouko appears.”

She was staring straight ahead. At the waters of Shichirigahama. The view across the railroad crossing. The gentle slope running all the way down to the beach. It was less than one hundred yards away. The fastest man in the world could reach it in less than ten seconds.

“You’re really something.”

“The two Shoukos are likely unable to meet on a quantum level. Same as when there were two of me. I believe she only exists when she is being observed.”

“But normally she only exists as a possibility?”

“Yes. Your beloved quantum physics. But you and Shouko have met. Even though a part of her is yours.”

“……”

Rio was a constant source of astonishment. She seriously had worked it all out on her own.

“And because two copies of your heart can’t naturally exist simultaneously, perhaps this is what causes the wounds on your chest. You’re breaking the rules of the world, and the world is lashing out.”

What could he do but laugh?

“You’re incredible, Futaba.”

“Your attitude clinched it for me.”

“It did?”

“If you’re avoiding me, you must have a significant reason to do so.”

“Like I had a choice! I can’t exactly come to you and go, ‘Which should I choose?’”

But now he was opening up. Rio had made it so he could do so without pressure. Trying to maintain dignity would be a waste.

“I’ll get hit by a car on the twenty-fourth.”

Might as well put the date out there, too. If she knew this much, Rio deserved time to adjust and ready herself for what was coming.

“Sakurajima knows?”

The crossing bells began to ring again.

“She does. She was there when we heard.”

“You’ve talked it over?”

“It was awful. I let her say her piece first.”

He would have preferred to reach an answer before Mai did. But none had emerged. At the time, he’d thought his head was just spinning too fast, but maybe that wasn’t true. In hindsight, he felt like he’d always known his answer. It had been there, deep down inside him—he just hadn’t realized it.

And he’d said nothing because he knew the answer would break Mai’s heart.

“This is all I can really say here,” Rio said.

The crossing gates lifted again.

“But you should really talk to Mai. Properly.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“That’s really all I can…” Rio’s voice broke. Like it had caught on the back of her nose.

“But you’re the only one who shows up to tell me these things, Futaba.”

And he was more grateful for it than she could possibly know. Having a friend who would scold him for his indecision and weakness was invaluable.

“Azusagawa, I…”

The train pulled out of the nearby station and drowned out Rio’s whisper. The noise of the warning bells made it impossible to hear more.

But he knew what she wanted to say. Rio was always logical, so if she was getting emotional, it meant only one thing.

She didn’t want this.

Her could see her lips trembling. But she knew that anything she said would just put more pressure on him, so she stopped herself short. He could see tears falling behind her glasses.

The train chugged slowly past them. The sounds of the train and the crossing bells closed off the world, and Sakuta put his arms around her, pulling her head to his chest, as if trying to hide her tears.

“Sorry for not being Kunimi.”

“Why are you like this? Even when…”

Her forehead pressed against him, she let out a wail—but that, too, was lost in the sounds of the railroad crossing.

3

He had to face Mai eventually.

Rio forced him to make up his mind on that account, but Mai got back really late that day, and on the Friday and Saturday that followed, she wasn’t scheduled to come back at all, so he was unable to put this decision into action.

She called from the hotel in the evening, but all he did was report his exam grades.

“Sounds like I’ll have to crack the stick harder next time.”

“I tend to do better with the carrot.”

Neither of them mentioned the twenty-fourth. He figured this meant they both knew they should talk about it in person.

And with the timing slipping away from him, the nerve he’d gathered up started scattering, too. Too many unnecessary thoughts.

How could he tell her? When? With what tone, with what words? In his house? On the walk back from the station? At the park halfway home? The more he thought about it, the more his mind wandered down alleys that led to nowhere. No answers.

If anyone else had ever faced a choice like this, he’d love to hear about it. This was a dilemma even fictional characters almost never had to deal with. The more he thought about it, the less real any of it was to him. He was beginning to think there was no right answer.

As his thoughts circled, the sun set and rose again. It was now Sunday. The day Mai finally had some space in her schedule.

But she’d already agreed to help with Kaede’s makeover, so they were set to meet Mai at Fujisawa Station at two PM, after her morning’s work was done.

That meant Kaede was with him.

At the meeting spot, they found a blond idol singer. Nodoka also had the day off. The four of them took the train two stations farther, to Chigasaki.

A hair and makeup artist who’d worked with Mai since the start of her career had started her own salon here.

It was a good ten-minute stroll from Chigasaki Station. You could really feel how close the water was.

The salon was very fancy. If Sakuta had been alone, he definitely would never have set foot inside. Small, but apparently doing good business.

“I could ask for no better endorsement than one from Mai Sakurajima,” the owner said, grinning. She was a cool grown-up woman in her mid to late thirties, the kind of person who looked great in pantsuits.

They took Kaede right over to the mirrors. She looked nervous. The owner, Mai, and Nodoka all talked about different hairstyles with her. With each suggestion, the owner touched Kaede’s hair, checking the volume and hair quality, giving her thoughtful advice.

There was never anything for Sakuta to do.

He sat on a couch and flipped a men’s magazine open to an article on electronics he had no interest in. It was all about the latest smartphones and high-frequency music players. Every MSRP given was over fifty thousand yen. Most were closer to one hundred thousand. Not something a high school kid could reach for.

When he glanced in the mirror, he could see Kaede covered in sheets like a teru teru bozu while the owner’s scissors snipped away. She still looked tense but was clearly hanging in there. She wasn’t here because she had a crush on some guy. This was a major step on the path to getting her back in school.

He flipped through more magazines. Eventually, Nodoka came and sat next to him.

“I’ll be coming right home after the concert on the twenty-fourth,” she said.

“You should really hang out with your friends and enjoy the evening, Doka.”

“Don’t you call me that!”

“Then what should I call you?”

“Lady Nodoka.”

“Treasure your fans, Lady Nodoka.”

“G-God, don’t actually do that!”

“No yelling in the shop, Lady Nodoka.”

Several employees had looked at her, shocked.

“I—I said I’m coming right home!” she hissed, flinching away from him.

“We’ll save some cake for you, Toyohama.”

“That’s not my concern.”

She glared at him.

“Then…the Christmas chicken?”

“You’re stuck on food, huh?”

“Like you’re stuck on your sister?”

He didn’t really expect that to work.

“Yep,” she snapped. Apparently not the least bit interested in hiding it. Not that she ever had. After all, Nodoka Toyohama’s official profile listed Mai Sakurajima as her favorite thing. It was out there for everyone to see. Sakuta still couldn’t believe her agency had allowed it.

“Say, how’s Mai been doing lately?” he asked, glancing Mai’s way. She was standing behind Kaede, talking with her and the owner. She flashed a smile now and then, very elegant and mature.

The haircut was going smoothly.

“Not telling.”

“Don’t hold out on me, Doka.”

“……”

“Lady Nodoka?”

“You really are blessed, Sakuta.”

“Where’d that come from?”

“I mean, you get to spend Christmas with my sister!”

Her disgruntled look stabbed into his side.

“She’s fussing about what to cook and where to get the cake and is trying hard to look her best, all for you!”

“That last one is also for work, though.”

That was why she wore tights all summer, to avoid a tan.

“I never thought she’d spend so much time worrying over what to wear on a date.”

“Now I’m jealous. I’ve never seen that side of Mai.”

“Yeah, and she’ll never let you.”

“Just imagining it is adorable.”

“Quit fantasizing about my sister!”

Nodoka tried to stomp on his foot, but he dodged.

“Don’t move!”

“If you wanna step on me, take those boots off first.”

They made a loud clicking sound every time she took a step and were surely classified as a lethal weapon.

“You let her step on you.”

“Well, that’s because she’s Mai.”

Only a weirdo would enjoy having their girlfriend’s sister step on them.

“Stop trying!” he said, dodging again.

“This is a serious conversation!” Nodoka glared at him.

Sakuta was well aware of it, but he avoided her eye, pretending to read his magazine.

“I know,” he said.

Sakuta knew exactly what lay ahead. Just a small glimpse of the future. And because he was painfully aware of it, no matter how much he wanted to…he couldn’t promise not to make Mai cry. That wasn’t a promise he’d be able to keep.

And he wasn’t going to lie.

“……”

“Sakuta?”

Nodoka leaned in to look at his face. Her glittering gold hair filled his vision.

“Toyohama.”

“What?”

“Your eyes are sparkling.”

“They aren’t. Dumbass.”

“They totally are. Dumbass.”

They bickered a few more minutes until the sound of the dryer subsided.

“All done!” the owner called.

The teru teru bozu costume was gone, and Kaede was getting to her feet. Slowly turning toward them.

She seemed to be struggling to make eye contact. Lots of fidgeting. Really childish behavior, but with her pigtails gone, her new hairstyle made her look much more grown-up. The length of her hair hadn’t changed much, but it now curved gently inward, which gave it the impression of being shorter.

“I-is it weird?”

“Don’t be rude.”

“Th-that’s not what I meant! I swear I didn’t,” she said, turning to the owner.

The owner was way too mature to care.

“I think it looks age appropriate,” Sakuta said.

“Not like I’m trying too hard?”

“Kaede, that’s Toyohama’s department.”

“Huh? How so?” Nodoka asked, blinking at him.

“This is what trying too hard looks like,” Sakuta said as he squinted at her blond locks.

“It does not!”

“Your boyfriend’s funny, Mai,” the owner said.

Mai only managed an awkward smile. Didn’t look like she’d taken that as a compliment.

“So? What do you think, Sakuta?” Kaede insisted.

“It’s not too flashy, not too dorky, exactly where you want to be.”

“G-good.”

Still nervously rubbing her hands together, Kaede stole a couple more glances at herself in the mirror. There was a smile playing around her lips, so Sakuta was pretty sure she was quite taken with her new haircut. She just wasn’t used to seeing herself with it and was too worried about everyone else’s reactions to settle down. He figured she’d grow accustomed to it soon enough.

“You want a trim while you’re here, Mai?”

“Oh, not yet. We’re still filming.”

“Just the tips won’t show. And it is almost Christmas.”

The owner shot a meaningful glance at Sakuta.

“I’ll be on a bunch of shows doing promo work, so when that’s over…”

She’d said she’d be out tomorrow and the next day, in Kanazawa again. Building hype for the movie by doing guest appearances on variety shows. One of which involved touring the filming location with the show’s host. It was a major seven PM show, one Sakuta had watched before.

“You were just here last week, Nodoka,” the owner said. “You should be fine for now.”

“Yep.”

“You go here, too, Toyohama?” Sakuta asked.

“That a problem?”

“You really do adore your sister.”

“I love her way more than you do.”

“Whoa, I can’t let that pass unchallenged.”

“I’ve got the advantage of years.”

“Suuuure, fine. You win. Take care of her for me.”

“Har?”

His attempt to be gracious was met with scorn. But Sakuta paid Nodoka no more attention. He’d felt eyes on him, and that was now dominating his thoughts.

“……”

Mai was watching Sakuta and Nodoka in silence. Even when his eyes met hers, she said nothing. He could feel the weight of her thoughts, but the whole time they were settling the tab and leaving the store, she didn’t say a word.

The owner saw them out the door, and they headed back down the road to Chigasaki Station. Kaede spent the whole time bothered by how the wind was messing up her hair. And smiling happily every time Mai fixed it for her.

“Think you’ll be able to touch it up yourself tomorrow?”

Sakuta pointed out that Mai couldn’t exactly do it for her every day.

“If you do it the way she said, it’ll be fine. Okay?”

“R-right…”

Kaede had been pretty nervous around the famous “Mai Sakurajima” at first, but the last few weeks had helped a lot. Now it was more like being around an older girl she really admired.

As they talked about this, they reached Chigasaki Station.

Mai headed toward the gates but stopped just outside.

“Nodoka, sorry—can you bring Kaede back home?”

“Mm? You can’t?”

“I actually have plans with Sakuta.”

This was news to him. He didn’t remember agreeing to any such thing. She hadn’t even sent him a nonverbal signal. He looked at her for an explanation, but she didn’t meet his eye. She wasn’t even looking in his direction.

But Sakuta had been planning to get her alone somehow anyway, so he fell in line.

“Kaede, think you can get home without me?”

“I can manage a lousy two-station train ride,” she said, indignant. “How old do you think I am?”

“I think your body’s third-year, but your mind’s still first-year.”

“I could have handled this whole day without you here, Sakuta. It was super embarrassing how you invited yourself along.”

“I’m thrilled by your newfound independence.”

“Don’t glare at me!” Nodoka said.

“Siscon idol is sort of your whole thing.”

“Like you’re one to talk.”

“Sorry, Kaede. I’m gonna borrow Sakuta for a bit.”

“No problem. I dunno what you see in him, but he’s all yours. Thanks for today.” Kaede bowed her head. “Sakuta, uh…thank you, too, I guess,” she added.

“You’re welcome,” he said, making it sound sarcastic.

“Ugh, you’re such a jerk.”

Kaede puffed out her cheeks.

“When’ll you be back?” Nodoka asked, like it was an everyday event. Just setting expectations.

“Probably pretty late,” Mai said evasively.

Nodoka shot Sakuta a reproachful glare. What did she think they were about to do here? Kaede was turning slightly red herself, so she definitely had the wrong idea.

But making excuses or trying to explain would just dig them in deeper, so he decided to let the misunderstanding stand. Revealing the truth would be way harder.

Mai didn’t try to clarify things, either, so she must have reached a similar conclusion.

“……”

But her lips were tightly pursed, and he didn’t recognize the emotions beneath that look. He thought about this as Kaede and Nodoka headed into the station, but ultimately he got nowhere. But he didn’t need to. She’d secured them this moment alone so they could talk about it.

The question was where. He hadn’t expected to end up alone with her at Chigasaki Station, so he had no clue where to go. He didn’t ever come here and didn’t know his way around. All he really knew about Chigasaki was that it was technically part of Shounan. So if they headed south, they’d reach the water. The salon had definitely seemed like it was close.

“It’ll mean going back the way we came, but should we hit the beach?” he suggested.

But Mai was already gone.

“Huh?”

He found her over by the ticket booth. Looking up at the map of fares and lines.

“We going somewhere?” he asked, joining her.

“Yep.”

“Where?”

“Far.”

She walked off without him, heading toward the gates.

“Ah, wait up, Mai.”

He ran after her.

She led him to the Tokaido Line platform. The same train they’d ridden here from Fujisawa Station. Going the other way would take them back home, but they were on the outbound side. This would take them to Odawara, Yugawara, and Atami.

“Where we headed, Mai?”

“The train’s here.”

He followed Mai onto an Atami-bound train without the slightest clue where she was taking him. It was a silver car with orange and green stripes on it.

They found some empty seats and sat down together. The doors closed, and the train pulled out of the station. It all seemed weirdly familiar. He and Mai had been on this train together before.

Last spring.

He’d met Mai and learned of her Adolescence Syndrome, and they’d ridden this train way out, trying to see how large the affected area was.

“Really takes me back,” he murmured.

Mai didn’t answer. Or meet his eye.

“Already been seven months.”

“Still only been seven months.”

“Life with you is so fulfilling, it makes time go faster,” he said.

“……”

“I never thought I’d end up dating you then.”

It wasn’t like he hadn’t been hoping. Spending time with a beautiful senpai was certainly enjoyable, and the fact that she’d give him the time of day at all never failed to make him giddy, but he hadn’t really expected anything more. Or even thought about it. He’d just been savoring the time her Adolescence Syndrome had allowed them to spend together.

He’d spent a lot of time getting scolded for pushing his luck. She’d called him a snot. Sakuta himself was dogged by rumors about the hospitalization incident, but Mai had never paid those any attention. She’d only ever looked at him, judging him by what she saw, forming her own impressions.

So naturally, he’d felt comfortable around her. Even when she’d pinched his cheek or stomped his feet, it was Mai, so it was all fun. And he knew she wasn’t doing any of that to hurt him. It was all part of their banter.

And that accumulated banter had become affection. And that affection had grown into love.

Mai and Sakuta had spent that much time together. The better part of a year. She’d made those months fun. Made them worth living. Allowed him to feel at ease.

Looking back on their shared history, Sakuta sat with Mai, putting those feelings into words. It was a fifty-minute ride to Atami Station, and for most of the journey, Sakuta was doing all the talking.

4

When they reached Atami Station, it was past six.

After sunset on a Sunday at a station known primarily for hot springs was not exactly crowded. Despite the hum of the heating units on the waiting trains, the station felt eerily quiet. The cold winter air might have added to that impression.

On the platform, Mai scanned both directions, looking for the timetable.

“……”

Her eyes scanned the numbers. She looked intense.

Didn’t seem like Atami was her ultimate destination. They must’ve been headed somewhere even more distant. Maybe she was planning on taking them all the way to Ogaki, like they had last spring. But she hadn’t joined him in his trip down memory lane at all.

“Which train will take us the farthest?” she asked. He was becoming more certain of his hunch.

“If we keep riding the Tokaido Line, we’ll at least get to Ogaki.”

They’d done exactly that before. Mai knew that. Going any farther would limit their options.

“If we switch to the Shinkansen, we could make it all the way to Osaka.”

Only the Kodama stopped at Atami, but if they switched at Nagoya, they could board trains straight to San’yo or Kyushu. Trains that went so far west they turned south.

“What about this Izumo-bound train?” Mai asked, pointing at the timetable. It was a fairly late train.

“Izumo as in the shrine Izumo-taisha?” he asked.

“There’s also one bound for Takamatsu.”

“In Shikoku?”

That was Kagawa Prefecture. He checked the timetable himself, assuming there must be some mistake, but at 11:23 PM there were, in fact, trains bound for Izumo and Takamatsu. They both had sleeper cars listed, which explained the late-night availability. These were trains that headed out late and got passengers where they were going in the morning. If trains bound for two disparate locations started at the same time, then they likely traveled a chunk of the distance joined together.

All this meant that both Izumo and Takamatsu were indeed the super distant destinations he thought they were and not just something similarly named.

“If we take that train, we can go all the way to Izumo.”

“I guess so.”

He hadn’t personally taken that train, but he had faith in the Japanese railway system.

“I wonder if you need a special ticket.”

“Probably.”

Mai took Sakuta’s hand and started walking.

“Er…Mai?”

“……”

She just kept dragging him along.

“How far are we going?”

“To the station attendant.”

“Not that… Our destination.”

“Far.”

“But how far?”

“Very far.”

“……”

“If we keep riding trains, we can go even farther than last time.”

“Sleeping cars are all the rage these days. We might not be able to get tickets.”

This was a roundabout tactic, but it finally made her stop. She didn’t turn back.

“Then we can take a normal train.”

“That won’t get us farther than Ogaki this late.”

The schedule had been more or less unchanged.

“If we run out of trains, we can spend the night in some random town.”

“Get a room together?”

“If you want.”

“Sounds like a dream come true.”

“And in the morning, we’ll set out again.”

“To somewhere far?”

“Yes, very far. As far as the two of us can get. So far we…”

She’d kept her voice flat this whole time, but suddenly he detected a quiver in it. She wasn’t stifling her emotions, nor was she stoically unmoved. The emotions inside her were simply too powerful to express in a straightforward way. Sakuta knew this because he was feeling something very similar.

“Don’t just give up.”

“……”

“Don’t just make a choice all on your own.”

“I can’t put this on you, Mai.”

“What am I to you?”

When she said this, her eyes wavered. Like she hated herself for letting that out. Like it was something she never wanted to say aloud. But however much she’d sworn not to, her emotions had overridden her reason. She was past caring.

“My girlfriend.”

“Then I’ll bear that weight together with you…”

“……”

“Shouko’s life…”

“……”

“As long as we’re alive together…”

He gritted his teeth, glaring up at her.

“That hurts to hear, Mai.”

“Why?!”

If Sakuta lived, that meant the heart transplant Shouko should have received would no longer happen. Maybe another donor would arrive, and Shouko’s life would go on, but Sakuta didn’t think the world was such a convenient place.

If his living meant Shouko would no longer be saved, how could he welcome that future with open arms? Little Shouko had worked so hard. Through all her suffering and pain, she’d struggled to stay positive and cheerful. It hurt to even think about changing her future just so he could live.

And he didn’t want Mai to shoulder that pain. Neither of them was mature enough to live together burdened by that guilt. Even his limited moral compass wouldn’t allow that.

And more than anything, Sakuta wanted to return the favor. Pay big Shouko back for what she’d done for him. She’d saved him two years ago, as well as a few weeks ago. She’d taught him what life meant. There was no way he could rob her of the most important thing there was.

“Sometimes even I have to do the right thing.”

“You always do.”

“If I don’t, it’s bad for everyone.”

“Don’t look at anyone but me, Sakuta!”

“I only made it this far because Kunimi and Futaba ignored the rumors and became my friends.”

“……”

“Kaede made herself my sister, and I can’t let her down. The original Kaede finally came back, and I can’t do the wrong thing with her watching.”

“Why… Why…?”

“Koga and Toyohama keep talking to me no matter how much I tease them. And Shouko saved me again and again.”

“……”

“I don’t want to be someone who disappoints the people who care about me.”

“Even if I ask…?”

“I’ll listen to anything you ask of me, Mai.”

“Then…!”

“But right now, there’s just one thing I can’t do.”

“Don’t say that!”

Mai put her hands over her ears, like an angry child.

“Please,” she whispered, staring at the ground. “Just be with me forever. Be at my side until Christmas is over.”

“……”

“Never leave me.”

She took a step forward and rested her forehead on his shoulder.

“Let’s get on a train and go as far as we can go.”

“That sounds like fun.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“If I could do that, I’d love to.”

There was a note of resignation in his voice. He knew that wish would never be granted, which was what made it sound so tempting.

“But I can’t, Mai.”

“Why not?!”

“I’ve got school tomorrow.”

Such an ordinary reason. Like something a mother would tell their kid.

“Skip.”

“I’ve gotta get up and make breakfast for Kaede. You know Toyohama can’t cook, either.”

“……”

“And you’ve got work tomorrow, too.”

“That doesn’t…”

“You know what Toyohama said? No matter how high a fever Mai Sakurajima has, she never misses a day of work. No matter how crappy you feel, you’d wade right into the ocean in the middle of winter.”

“…It doesn’t matter. Work doesn’t matter!”

“It does. People trust you. You can’t let them down.”

“If I lose you, then nothing else matters!”

Her hands clenched his jacket. Like she was never going to let go. That was why he kept talking. Being the voice of reason.

“I love you, Mai.”

“……”

“And I love how you work.”

“That’s not important right now!”

“Every time I see you on TV or on a magazine cover, I think, ‘My girlfriend’s supercute.’”

“That’s not what I wanted to hear.”

“It’s a shame you were always too busy to go on dates with me.”

“I’m saying I’ll never stop being with you again!”

“But I want to be with you the way you always are.”

“……!”

This line really seemed to strike something deep within her. She gasped and went silent.

“Always strict with yourself, trying to be strict with me but actually being the opposite—that’s the Mai I love.”

As he said the words, he could feel a heat rising behind his eyes. A tingle behind his nose. He desperately fought it back, waiting for the wave of emotion to pass. If he cried here, it was all over. Everything he was struggling with would give way, and he’d start wanting to run away with Mai. To Izumo or Takamatsu, as far as they could get. But he couldn’t do that. And so he had to beat the tears back.

“…Fine,” she said when he fell silent.

“…Mai?”

“Fine.”

“……”

“As long as you’re alive, I don’t care if you hate me!”

With untold emotions spilling out of her, she lifted her head.

When he saw that look on her face, Sakuta’s mind went blank. Her eyes were overflowing with tears. Gushing down her cheeks, and all he could do was watch.

“Just…stay with me.”

Mai was crying like a little kid, sniveling. There was no pretense of composure or beauty. She simply let everything out, holding nothing back. She slammed into him with the full force of what she was feeling.

“Just be with me…”

“……”

A wave of agonizing guilt tore through Sakuta. He had never imagined Mai crying like this. It had never occurred to him she even could.

He could feel his resolve wavering.

“Just be with me until Christmas is over. After that, you can hate me all you want!”

“I can’t ever do that.”

“Why not?!”

“I could never hate you.”

“Why… Why…?”

Her legs gave way, and she crumpled. He knelt down, supporting her.

“I’ll always love you, Mai.”

He pulled her to him. Rubbing his hand on her back like he was soothing a crying baby.

“Liar…” Her voice was muffled by his shirt.

“I swear I’ll always love you.”

“Liar…”

“I’ll love you forever.”

“You’re a liar…but so am I.”

“……”

“I do care if you hate me.”

Her grip on his shirt grew tighter. Pulling it so much it hurt.

“I don’t want you to hate me,” she sobbed.

And those were the last words she managed. Everything else was just tears. Unable to hold her tight, Sakuta let her sobs pound his ears like the lashes of the condemned.

5

They didn’t talk on the train back to Fujisawa from Atami. They’d picked seats in the green car, trying to avoid prying eyes as much as possible, and Mai kept her eyes on the window.

They were red from all the crying, and since it was night, he could see that in her reflection. Sakuta fought off the urge to say something to her several times. If he let his guard down for even a second, the fragile shell would burst, and he’d tell her the thing he’d kept hidden.

And if he said that, there’d be no turning back. So he kept it secret, never giving voice to the thought.

It had taken a while for Mai to settle down at Atami Station, so by the time they got back to Fujisawa, it was after eleven. This late on a Sunday, the station was a lonely place. The Christmas lights everywhere only made it worse.

Neither Sakuta nor Mai said anything on the walk home, either.

Every now and then he heard her sniffling. They were walking side by side, not looking at each other but not splitting up, either. All the way to their apartments.

“Good night, Mai.”

“Good night.”

When they finally spoke, that was all they said.

Looking worn out, Mai went into her building. Sakuta waited until the doors closed behind her and she was out of sight. Then he turned and headed into his own building.

He was the only person on the elevator.

The silence was oppressive.

He could tell his grip on his emotions was starting to slip. The words he’d been trying so hard not to say were hovering around the back of his throat.

Keeping it out of mind had allowed him to remain functional. Not thinking about it had kept it out of sight. He’d never experienced death firsthand, which made him think he could handle it.

But seeing Mai cry had told him the truth.

He had seen what death meant in those tears.

The elevator reached his floor.

He dragged his feet down the hall to his door, turned the key, and stepped inside.

The lights were on. In the entrance, in the hall, and in the living room in back.

When she heard the door open, Shouko came out to see him.

“Welcome home, Sakuta.”

The same old Shouko smile. Gentle and forgiving. It felt blinding. He turned his gaze downward.

“Mai’s at home tonight?”

“Yeah…,” he said, barely loud enough to hear.

“Ah.”

“…Kaede?” he managed, not looking up.

“In bed. She really liked her new hairstyle! She’s been grinning all night.”

“Good.”

“Bath first? If you’re hungry, I can whip something up.”

He tried to take his shoes off, but his legs wouldn’t move.

“Shouko, I…”

When he finally lifted his head, she was still smiling.

“……”

Her face took his breath away.

“Don’t,” she said. “You’ve already got a lovely girlfriend.”

Teasing him softly, keeping her voice down to avoid waking Kaede.

“Yeah, I could brag about her all night.”

“Jealous.”

“That’s why…”

He couldn’t hold out any longer. His voice cracked. A sob escaped his throat.

“I never wanted to make Mai cry like that.”

It was such a simple idea, but putting it in words shook him to his core. It affected him far more deeply than he’d expected. A shock that started at his heart shot through his whole body.

He’d never thought he could feel anything this intense.

“I never want to make her cry like that ever again.”

It was late. Kaede was in bed. He gritted his teeth, forcing his voice to stay quiet.

“That’s why…Shouko.”

Even as he broke down, Shouko just kept smiling.

“Yes? What is it?”

“I’m sorry, Shouko.”

He couldn’t meet her gaze. His whole body was shaking like a leaf. His knees buckled, and he dropped to the floor. He put his arms around himself, trying to stop the shaking, and let the feelings he’d kept deep inside escape.

“I want to live.”

The shaking didn’t stop. His body had never had to deal with anything like this before. So much fear, sadness, frustration…but Shouko was here. And her warmth.

“I want to go on living.”

His heart’s desire. Something so obvious it would never even enter his prayers. He’d never once had to ask for permission to live. There had never been a need. He’d taken life for granted.

But this same desire had been a constant in little Shouko’s entire life. A single, basic wish. And one his imagination had never gotten anywhere near.

He wanted to live. That was all.

And that was why he’d felt it was wrong to wish for that in front of Shouko. Wrong to even say the words.

But such concerns couldn’t stand up to the power of the desire rising within him. He had decided to put himself first. The more he tried to resist, the stronger the power fighting him. Until the need to live had forced its way out of him.

Because he loved Mai.

Because he didn’t want her breaking down like that.

And if she had to cry, he at least wanted to be with her.

“I’m sorry, Shouko. I just… I’m sorry.”

Nothing else came out of him. There was more he wanted to say. But like a child who doesn’t know any other words, he simply kept repeating them.

“I’m sorry… I just want to be with Mai forever. Forever and ever.”

Something warm wrapped around his shaking body. Shouko’s warmth, embracing him, protecting him from everything that scared him.

“I’m the one who should be sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry I forced this choice on you, Sakuta. If I’d played my cards right, you never would’ve had to suffer like this.”

“That’s not…”

“It’s not your fault, Sakuta.”

“I…”

“You did well, Sakuta.”

“…But I!”

“You said everything you had to say.”

“…Ah, aughhhhhh!”

He was past putting it into words.

“So make Mai happy.”

“…Unhh…ahhh…aughhhhh!”

He wanted to say something to her. Gratitude? Apologies? Something else entirely? He wasn’t sure, but he wanted to communicate something.

But nothing else came out of him. Not even tears. Just a long, raspy, wordless wail.

And Shouko forgave him for living.