AFTERWORD AND SPECIAL EMOTIONAL CELEBRATION
(Warning: Spoilers for this volume contained in small measure, so please make sure you have finished the book before you read this.)
Playback of Events Prior to SJ5, Part 3
“Hello, hello! How are you? What’s going on tonight?”
“Really? That’s what you’re asking? It’s, like, noon here. You knew that, didn’t you?”
“Of course I did, Nathan. Your midday is Japan’s midnight. Ahhh, that middle-of-the-night ramen here is super-oishii-yummy! I can feel it in my soul!”
“I know I ask this every time we talk in English, but seriously, where did you learn your English? Mars? Is that an extraterrestrial accent?”
“Well, in my brain I’m first converting my Japanese into French, then a quick sojourn through German into Russian, and lastly translated to English.”
“I’m not childish enough to believe that. I’ve been through high school, you know.”
“Anyway, ignoring all that, is it okay to talk? You aren’t too busy?”
“Yes, it’s fine. Just get to the point…not that I don’t know what it is already.”
“Well then, you know what I mean!”
“Say it!”
“But you know, don’t you? Yes, please set up the fifth Squad Jam, please and thank you berry-berry much! Go!”
“What language are you speaking…? So it’s time for SJ5 already? It seems so fast. Didn’t you just do SJ4 at the end of last month and the Five Ordeals this month?”
“True. But have you ever heard the phrase ‘Do good deeds when the doing’s good’?”
“When is it?”
“September 19th, starting at one PM, Japan Time. Prelims the day before. How’s that?”
“Well, we don’t have any major maintenance scheduled then, so the date works for us. We’ll take the usual cost at a minimum, and knowing you, there’s probably some weird rules or bizarre set piece for the map, right? That’s gonna bump up the price of putting on the event.”
“No problem!”
“Okay, then.”
“My recent book, A Forty-Something Office Worker Gets Reincarnated into an Isekai Identical to Our World, Where She Goes to an All-Girls High School and Accidentally Joins the Kendo Club Rather Than the Chorus Club, Beats All the Boys, and Becomes a Star, Creating Her Own Harem, is selling a lot better than anyone thought, so I’m pouring my royalties into this event! We’re pushing the budget twice as hard!”
“What the hell kind of story is that? Anyway, can we not wait until October? The costs of putting on the event will be a lot more reasonable if you give us more leeway on the schedule.”
“No! Absolutely not!”
“Listen, man… Why are you in such a rush these days?”
“N-n-n-n-no reason! Wh-wh-why would I b-be in a r-r-rush?”
“You’re hiding something, aren’t you?”
“Yyyyessss…”
“…Whatever. SJ5 on 9/19, got it. Give me a rough breakdown. What rules are you thinking of this time?”
“So first of all, at the starting point, there’s going to be a ton of fog all over the place, so you can’t see your enemies at all! And each squad’s members will be scattered around the map at random! That’s totally gonna piss everyone off, huh? That’s so exciting!”
“You really are a piece of shit. Who do you think you are?”
“The GM is God.”
“Take it easy with the god complex. What about the map?”
“Frankenstein! S’monster! All stitched together like that! Just take existing maps like forest and snowfield and city, and just cut them out along right angles and paste them together! Super easy!”
“Well…sure, that’s easy…but the players won’t be happy.”
“So what? Squad Jam players are made of tougher stuff than that. Besides, they love complaining. But then—! The big idea comes at the end! The whole map’s gonna be on the top of a flat mountain ten thousand feet tall! Basically, in the geological upheaval after the apocalyptic war, all kinds of terrain got fused together and then pushed upward! It’s a perfectly nonsensical and impossible concept!”
“Hey, that’s what I was thinking! Anyway, there’s no issue putting the map at a height like that, but we don’t have any ballistic data for highlands at an altitude of ten thousand feet, so we’ll just have to use our sea-level ballistic model, okay? Any loony who shoots enough real guns might be able to tell. Is that cool with you?”
“No protein!”
“Whatever.”
“But then, when the time comes, the map will start to crumble! And then…”
“Sure, just e-mail us the details. Don’t make me jot all this down. And between you and me, it’s impossible to execute all the fine details of what you come up with. Just give us a broad outline instead.”
“Yes, sirrity-sir! Also, just this one time, I’m gonna compete again! I’ll have my beloved SG 550 in hand!”
“You know, I’ve always thought, isn’t it kind of cheating to have one player in the game who already knows all the secrets and special rules ahead of time?”
“Call it a professional privilege. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve cheated, I’d be rich by now!”
“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I’ll get it set up.”
“Thank you! Now, let’s talk about the usual special prize.”
“Yeah…”
“I’ll send over a whole box of those special Japanese snacks you love so much… Er, I mean, packing material. I’ll send it to you, ummm, ummm, in a little one-hundred-yen plastic case but with all the cushioning material needed to protect the contents. You can decide whether you want to eat it or throw it away.”
“Heh-heh-heh… Much appreciated, as always…”
“Awww, don’t mention it… Heh-heh-heh. Just don’t get caught with it, okay…?”
“Don’t worry, my man. I’m a pro when it comes to that.”
“A pro at what, secretly eating snacks? Must be hard to work at your company. What kind of place has workplace rules against snacking on the job?”
“Unbelievable, right? Crazy, right? It’s because the boss is a total health freak… He acts like oil, sugar, and salt killed his parents.”
“But that’s no reason to forbid your employees from having them. It’s mucho bs! Très bs! I bet you could totally sue him and win, huh?”
“Maybe, but do you think it’d be worth the trade-off in terms of crazy lawyer’s fees?”
“Nopity-nope.”
“What language is that? Anyway, all the employees agree with me.”
“What a horribly marginalized community…”
“Okay, now you’re getting carried away. Plus, in that ‘Japan’ place where you live, they put you away for even having a gun, don’t they?”
“Oof.”
“I got a nine-milli subcompact auto on my hip right now. It’s a Glock today, but I feel like I’ll be in a SIG mood tomorrow. And maybe a Sturm Ruger the day after that.”
“Aaaagh! I’m so jealous! Damn, I’m so jealous! Fakku!”
“Whoa, whoa, that’s a word you can’t say on TV.”
“No, Nathan, it’s cool. The word fakku is Japanese. It’s not like the English F-word. It’s a religious Buddhist term, in fact. It means, ‘Don’t swear!’”
“Huh? Are you serious…?”
“Quite serious. When I almost say a swear word, I shout that word in Japanese instead. Anyway, I’ll send over my scenario sheet and those snacks soon!”
At a later date…
“Hey, Nathan! How are you doing?”
“Nathan has been fired. I’m Sophia, and I’ve taken over his position.”
“Um, why?”
“We discovered that he had been eating food that was forbidden by company rules, based on the empty bag in the background of his screen during an online meeting.”
“He said he was a pro! Fakku!”
“That language is unacceptable.”
“No, you see, it’s a Japanese word that means…”
Not to be continued
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