Toradora! - Volume 7 - Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Time flew like an arrow. The steadily marching days didn’t give Ryuuji any time to spare as they easily sent him into chaos.

“Wah!”

“Kyah!”

Alongside the muffled screams, glittery pieces of something fluttered and scattered. Ahh! Others also added their own yells as the empty cardboard box futilely fell into a corner of the hallway.

“No! What do we do? This is the worst! They’re all over the place!”

“Seriously, you klutz! If you’re going to make a scene, at least go pick them up while you’re doing it! Let me see. Are your knees okay? Ahh, you scraped them up, too! Seriously, you really are a klutz!”

“You don’t have to tell me! Ugh…I really did it this time…”

Taiga had scattered a large quantity of silver and gold confetti that five people had painstakingly cut from tape around the school hallway. If they wanted to, they could have bought the confetti, but once they had found out it was more expensive than expected, the prep committee had decided to make it by hand in order to save on their budget. They had worked hours in silence before school, during lunch, and after school just to make it. Finally, when they had finished making several boxes worth, which was enough for the party, a certain klutz had fallen over, done a few flips, and scattered a whole box’s worth.

The klutzy culprit stood up and scowled provokingly. She looked at her own knees, which seemed painfully red.

“Hey! Someone please pick this up, too!”

“Oh, sorry…”

Ryuuji turned around in a fluster towards the voice of the single teacher (age 30), whom Taiga had collided with from behind. When he looked, he saw that the bachelorette (who was in excellent health) had lost a vast quantity of the printouts she was holding. Luckily, she hadn’t fallen over, which was to be expected from a bottom-heavy thirty-year-old… Though if he said that, it would probably cause a single door to a single alternate universe to open. He didn’t say anything uncalled for but quickly kneeled in the hallway to pick up the printouts, leaving the confetti to the others.

“This is terrible~! They used to be in number order, and now they’re all messed up~!”

“We’re really sorry. She’s the one who did this. It’s that little idiot!”

Having been introduced, Taiga picked up the edge of her skirt, bent her knees, and looked unexpectedly honest as she lowered her expressionless head. 

“Thanks for pointing that out!” 

That was probably part of her good girl act. Had she been her normal self, at this point, the bachelorette (whose parents were alive and well) would have been sent to hell to dance forever in slow step by herself with a sixteen-beat tongue click. 

Unaware of her good fortune, the bachelorette (an only child) furrowed her brow and said, “It seems like you’re all just working on stuff for the prep committee lately. Are you all okay? It’s nice that you’re having a Christmas party, but don’t forget about your tests. Especially you, Aisaka-san. Are you following along okay even after all the classes you missed while you were on suspension?”

Ahh, uhh. Taiga, who was absorbed in picking up the confetti, just made noises in response, so Ryuuji replied for her. 

“We’ve been gathering at night and having study groups lately. We ask questions about the parts we don’t know so the people who are teaching and the ones who are taught both get to learn. It looks like Taiga gets most of it in the first place, but what’s really cinching everything is pretty much Kanou-senpai’s notes.”

“Really? Well, Aisaka-san had good grades to begin with, if only that, and you have good grades, too, Takasu-kun, but I’m worried about Haruta-kun and Haruta-kun, and especially Haruta-kun…”

“You’re worried about Haruta-kun?”

“And also Haruta-kun. Oh. Haruta-kun isn’t doing work for the prep committee, too, is he?”

“It’s okay, Kitamura has a strict no-touch policy for him when it comes to the party, so he can devote himself to studying.”

In a gray knit top, tight white skirt, and with a small diamond pendant hanging to her chest, she created an impregnable defense as she crouched. (She had her knees on the ground and her thighs to the side to make sure that she didn’t show a glimpse of her underwear. It was the strongest measure against any peeking. It’s elegant and once learned, doesn’t leave a gap in the defenses and creates an unwelcoming aura!) The bachelorette (a government employee) gathered the printouts but still looked into Ryuuji’s face as though she were concerned.

“Please, please be absolutely—absolutely—sure you and everyone else don’t neglect your studies. I don’t want to see a sudden drop in your grades. You and Aisaka-san seem to always be here for the prep committee, and as your teacher, that has me worried.”

“I’m sorry…”

Ryuuji gave her a small apology and scratched at his head.

The bachelorette (a four-year college graduate) wasn’t necessarily completely wrong to be worried. The committee consumed Ryuuji and Taiga’s days with a torrent of work.

They would meet early in the morning with the student council and then be busy with various things related to the party preparations. There was plenty to do. They assigned people things, put together the things they needed for the program, allocated the budget, begged the instructors for the student council budget and expenses, had meetings during lunch, and, like they were now, would plan the agenda up to Christmas Eve, then divide themselves up as a group and choose what they needed to do. They would check in on each other’s progress and make confetti and decorations after school. They chiefly got everyone together to work on physical labor.

In addition to that, they had their normal classes, of course, and their end-of-semester exams were coming. At night they would gather at the family restaurant or someone’s house and form a study group, and when they broke up, they would go home to study individually. The teachers were persistent about telling them that the Christmas Eve party was something the school allowed on the condition of their oversight. If the students concentrated too intently on the party preparations and were negligent about their classes, or if their grades dropped during the exams, the teachers would immediately put a stop to everything.

In particular, there was not a single adult who looked kindly upon Taiga volunteering for the prep committee. She was already the number one problem child at school. On top of that, Taiga had recently earned a criminal record, so they couldn’t give a warm reception to her participating in an unconventional student function put on for fun. It seemed quite a few teachers held the harsh opinion that she didn’t seem like she’d reflected on her actions and that her punishment had been too lenient.

It was just one bachelorette—no, one homeroom teacher, Koigakubo Yuri, who had vouched for Taiga, citing that Taiga’s grades hadn’t been bad leading up to that point, and that she needed the committee as a way of letting off steam. Their teacher claimed Taiga would become more self-aware of her role as a student by taking on responsibilities. In other words, the bachelorette (though she was an only daughter, she wasn’t insistent about using her family name, Koigakubo) was responsible for Taiga, and if Taiga fell from grace, the bachelorette (in other words, she wouldn’t force her future husband to adopt her name!) would also be in a rocky position. 

“But I think that you really don’t need to worry about Taiga for now. Taiga’s grades are even better than mine, and we’re studying together for the upcoming exams. I saw her midterm test scores and finally got it. Saying that it was abnormal is kind of mean, but…”

“I forgot to write my name a couple of times when I was a first year and had a lot of 0 percent scores that I had to take supplementary exams for. Starting this year though, I’ve been telling myself before tests, ‘Your name! Your name! Your! Name!’ So it’ll be okay.”

“Sorry she causes these things by being klutzy… Here, this is everything.”

“Danke schön!”

“Sorry for that. So, bachel…I mean, teacher, are you coming to the Christmas party?”

“Like I would! I don’t have any plans, but I’m not putting my pride on the line to go! But—”

Oh ho ho. After she stopped, she suddenly shook with soft laughter.

“I hope everything’s a success. You’re working so hard. You deserve to be rewarded.”

At the words of the bachelorette (who can become a bride anytime she wants!), the tip of Ryuuji’s nose turned red without him realizing. He gained the ability to blow flames from his nose…not really. To be rewarded—in other words, that meant Minori coming to the party. It meant that he would be able to spend Christmas Eve with his unrequited love. For that to happen, Ryuuji and the angel Taiga-sama were investing their precious time to prepare for the party. 

He wanted to be rewarded. Ryuuji was silent for a while as he digested those words. He wanted to spend the one and only Christmas Eve of his seventeenth year—the day for couples—with Minori. Taiga must have felt the same. She must have been praying for the party to go well with Kitamura. 

The bachelorette (oh, she’s good at foreign languages, too ♥) wouldn’t know that, but the gentle look she gave Taiga seemed like it had sincere warmth. As their homeroom teacher, she had genuinely been worried about Taiga, the problem child, and Ryuuji fully understood that just from her look. He understood that this adult really was on their side.

Taiga crawled along the hallway. 

“Aisaka-senpai! You’re getting trash mixed in, too~!” 

“Geh! Awah wah, oh no, oh no!” 

“I’ll pick out the trash, so just collect them, senpai! It anyone comes by, they’ll scatter them even more!” 

“No way! This is bad!” 

She was making a scene with the first years as she fixed the mess she had created from her own klutziness. When they first met, the underclassmen also feared the Palmtop Tiger, the most terrifying animal at school. But because Taiga was her Christmas limited-edition good girl version of herself, right now she was the senpai they were closest to. They had even learned to deal with her klutziness.

Senpai, over there, over there! Over here, too! As Ryuuji watched Taiga going left and right in a flurry as she crouched down busily according to the voices of the underclassmen, his face pulled back ominously and twitched without him realizing it. He was smiling.

“Taiga apparently loves Christmas. Honestly, I don’t really get it but…she’s so excited about it. She’s saying this stupid stuff about being a good girl because Santa is watching.”

“Oh, so that’s what was going on. I get it, though. All girls love Christmas.”

“Is it that kind of a thing?”

“I’m not a young girl anymore, but I like Christmas… Tiffany, Cartier, Gucci, and Coach… Hermes, Bulgari, Dior, Vuitton, Chanel… Chloe, Bottega, Mark Jaco-o-o-owaaaaaaah!”

“Whoa?!”

The BACHELORETTE used GREEDY FIRE!

RYUUJI shakes from fear!

Command ► RUN.

Couldn’t get away!

“I’m buying a reward for myself! It’s Christmas, so what’s stopping me?! I’ll buy a watch or a bag or an accessory. My budget is 300,000 yen! It’s my first Christmas as a thirty-year-old, so it’ll be a reward for working thirty hard years! That’s why I’m allowed to buy it!”

“…”

“Wh-what are you staring at me like that for?! If there’s something you want to say, then just say it!”

“…”

“Y-you must think that I’m wasting my money?! You must think buying a present for myself is just a spinster falling for marketing! You’re probably just thinking, ‘What a spinster! What a spinster!’ Aren’t you?!”

“…”

“No…please stop…please stop looking at me like that…Don’t look at me! I know that it’s just a waste of money, too! But-but-but! If I don’t do something to get myself energized, then I won’t have the strength to keep living! I don’t even know what I’m working for! Waaah!”

“…”

“Ugh uh, it’s extravagant, isn’t it… I might be alone for my whole life, and I need about 70,000,000 yen for retirement, so squandering 300,000 yen on some show-off brand wouldn’t even allow me enough money to die in the green…but, look. Look, if I worked hard to save up my money and didn’t buy all the things I wanted to, and if I get to the point where I’m like, yay, I saved up 100,000,000 yen! What if Japan with its hyperinflation turns those savings into scraps of paper? Then what do I do? No really…huh? I see, maybe…maybe…I should buy a condo?!”

“…”

“I-I see… If I were to get a loan and buy a condo, that would be a perfect countermeasure against inflation, wouldn’t it?!”

“…”

“Right, right, this is it! I don’t have time to be buying brand-name stuff! I’ll get together the down payment and buy a condo! I’ll get a condo that’s good for someone single, near the station. I’ll get a fashionable new one! If I get married later, I could just make it a rental! Kyah ♪!”

“…”

“Well, I might spend the rest of my life living there and end up dying alone and being found as a corpse…”

“…”

From behind the bachelorette (with Mercury currently in retrograde…sob), Ryuuji saw the painful illusion of cold, powdery snow falling. He couldn’t find words to say. He felt the absolute zero snow blowing from the eternal tundra called nihilism that ate away at the hearts of the glacier generation of Japan. 

“That’s the last one! Ryuuji, I got them all! Let’s hurry and get to the gym. Kitamura’s waiting!”

“Oh, ahh! Right!”

Once more holding the cardboard box, Taiga barked at him. She stamped in place telling him to go faster, faster. Ryuuji finally found his opportunity to run, bowed, and held his own box as he ran down the hallway after Taiga. Ah! Don’t run! The voice of the bachelorette who had a hard time living, but planned to survive, echoed after them. They went down the stairs as if they were running from a curse.

They headed to the gym’s storehouse with a box of confetti each. There, Kitamura’s student council team should have been working on organizing the manufactured props. They originally meant to buy the confetti, so Taiga’s group had to make up the full day of work that their handmade decoration ate up. Hurry, hurry, she muttered and urged herself along.

“Yo! Well, isn’t it Taiga?!”

He noticed that surprised voice. This time, Ryuuji was close to scattering the confetti.

“Oh, Minorin! What a coincidence! Are you out here for softball?” Taiga stopped and answered with a smile. The stealthy wink she gave Ryuuji was probably meant to say, Yay, aren’t you lucky?

“Of course, we were just weight training at the gym up until now. Kitamura-kun and everyone else was there, too. They looked busy.”

Minori also smiled and stopped. She was a little sweaty, judging by the apples of her cheeks, her hair was in a messy bun she had slapped up, and she was in her tracksuit. She was with several other second-year girls who were pulling on her sleeve. 

“Kushieda, we have to hurry and go, or the coach will tell us off!” one cried. 

A girl who stood behind Taiga where she had stopped also spoke to her in a hurried tone.

“Aisaka-senpai, we need to get going!”

Oh dear, oh my, you’re quite right! See ya! Practically at the same time, the two of them started walking and reluctantly parted. Then, with that…

“Well…we only ever get to see her in passing lately.”

“Yeah…”

They saw what looked almost like a flash of light.

It was a gaze that hit him directly from the front, one he couldn’t avoid.

He was sure Kushieda Minori was looking at him. He tried giving her a quick, immediate reply, but he couldn’t get his face to settle on an expression, so his mouth twisted. When she saw that—when he was sure she saw it, Minori made a strange sound, as if she were joking around, “Ha heh.” 

As she turned around and he saw her back, he desperately squeezed something out from his throat, which had been hardened by nerves.

“Th-the party! On Christmas Eve! It’s definitely going to be fun! So you should come by, Kushieda!”

She might have heard him.

She should have heard him.

Minori turned around a little. She seemed somewhat distressed and like she was about to say something. 

“Hurry!” 

A girl pulling her along almost immediately grabbed Minori’s arm and yanked her away. Based on her expression, the words Minori had wanted to say, but had not been able to, probably weren’t the response that Ryuuji had been waiting for. But she must have heard him. Ryuuji must have delivered the words he desperately had said to Minori.

We only ever get to see her in passing lately—it was true, all they did was pass by each other. It wasn’t just lately either—it was for the last few days. They were separate in the morning, in the afternoon, and after school. Minori didn’t come to the study group and she didn’t go to her shifts at the family restaurant. The days where they passed by each other just stacked up.

But, even so.

Even so, Ryuuji believed.

He believed that if Minori would only come to the party, everything would fit into place.

Minori had said she was down. If she were festive, it wouldn’t have been a good example for the others in the club, she had said. Somehow, he wanted her to get into the mood to at least drop by. All he could do was awkwardly invite her when they saw each other for a moment and prepare for when Minori did appear. Of course, he wanted to do a lot more. If there were something he could do, he would do it. He wanted to, but he didn’t know how, so he could only watch Minori leave. He could only dwell on the full extent of his own uselessness.

But he at least had hope. He believed it from the bottom of his heart.

Minori would come on Christmas Eve, the party would be a success, everyone would be excited, and if everyone could smile—if they could do that—Minori would go back to being happy, and go back to her usual mood, and would even smile at him. Then, Ryuuji would be happy seeing that smile. Yes—basically, in the end, he wanted Minori to be happy. Ryuuji just wanted Minori to have a smile on her face and for her to turn a smile to him. That was more important and special than anything else.

He wanted Minori to be happy.

Right. At some point, his goals and the means of getting to them had switched places.

It wasn’t “He would work on having a Christmas Eve party and wanted to invite Minori because she was down,” but “He wanted Minori to be happy again, so he would invite her to the party so she could have fun.” At that moment, those were Ryuuji’s true feelings.

You deserve to be rewarded. The words whispered by the adult on their side echoed low in his chest like a blessing. That really was right. He really did want to be rewarded. He would do anything to work towards that, no matter how much sleep he lost. No matter how anxious he was, he would work hard. He could overcome several days of only seeing her in passing.

When he remembered that Minori’s smile was just waiting for him in the coming days, he could overcome anything. Yes, anything—

“Ryuujiii! What do you think you’re doing, you lazy useless oaf… I mean, you slightly ignorant, somewhat leisurely guy! Hurry up and get over here!”

“Right!”

“You’re late! What were you doing? You really are a lazy useless oaf.”

In the storehouse of the gym, which was filled with the smell of dust and sweat, he found Ami. She was sitting with her legs stretched out over the stack of mats as Kitamura and the rest of the student council were busily milling around beside her.

He spotted Murase, who was writing something on the whiteboard. “Hey.” Ryuuji hit him on the butt. 

Murase smiled and turned to him. “Yo.” 

He had met Murase from class A under rocky circumstances during the student council election, but after that, they got along better than expected and were now close friends. Murase poked and twisted the back of his pen into Ryuuji’s armpit. Stooop iiiit. Ryuuji wriggled.

Behind the two boys, who were as foul to watch as they looked, there was another conversation happening.

“Hey, we just had an accident! What a hypocrite… Actually, what are you doing here, Dimhuahua? Don’t you have work to do? Are you skipping?”

“I’m part of the division with the student council first years that’s making ornaments and small touches. I’m assigned here and doing painstaking work on these. See, look at this! Aren’t I amazing?”

From her sitting position on the mats, Ami lifted a strand ornament of small bells on a long line. We’re going to wrap them around lights and put them on the tree. What do you think? Ami waved it around with pride, but at that moment…

“Uwah?! Hey, hey, no! Why?!”

…several of the bells that she had painstakingly tied on, and should have been secure, chimed as they fell to the mat. Ami panicked as she tried to gather the rolling bells and several more rang as they fell. Taiga helped her pick them up.

“Kyaaa ha ha! Of course you’d do that, Dimhuahua! You’re a klutz, a klutz! Yeah, you’re back to the drawing board!”

“Hey…are you even allowed to say stuff like that?”

“…It was a regretful accident.”

Oh, what a tragedy. As though she were acting in a play, Taiga went to her knees and held the bells out to Ami with a kindness that rivaled Santa’s. Ryuuji pushed Taiga aside and took a look at what was in Ami’s hands. He also sat down next to her, where she was making the ornaments with her eyes glued to the craft book. They looked easy enough to make.

Ami sat cross-legged. She puffed up her cheeks. The pose she sulked in made her look like the head of a prison gang.

“Chi, why did it end up like this? Ahh, it took an hour to get this far… I guess this simple work just isn’t for me! Right, I, Ami-chan, should be in a role that lets me be flashy, stand out, and show off. I should be in a role that lets me radiate how brilliant, gorgeous, sweet, beautiful, cute, and pure I am…”

She flopped down on her back as she muttered nonsense. She was wearing shorts with zero sex appeal under her skirt, so she safely avoided flashing her panties, but her back cracked and made pitiful noises. Next to Ami, Ryuuji sat down and poked at her pale knees, which were still stuck up in the air.

“If you have the time to grumble about it, then fix it. See, get up. Look. Right here. You didn’t tie them right. You have to put it through this ring or the rest of them will fall off, too.”

Ryuuji pulled the line skillfully through the top of the bell, tied a neat knot, and showed her how it was done. Huh? Ami pulled herself up and tilted her head.

“How did you just do that? What did I do wrong? I couldn’t see it because it was so fast. Do it again.”

“Okay, here…this goes…like this.”

Ryuuji used his long, skillful fingertips to slowly do it so Ami could easily see. Ami came close enough that he could smell her hair as she earnestly looked at his hands.

“No way, that looks like so much work… Actually, you mean I have to redo all of them? You can’t be saying that I need to undo and redo them all?”

“If you don’t, they’ll all just drop to the ground like they did earlier.”

“Kyah! No way?! Seriously?! This is the wooorst! I thought this would be the easiest thing to do though! Hey, Yuusaku! I definitely can’t do this alone!”

“What?” When he heard his childhood friend’s shriek, Kitamura poked his head out from the very back of the deep, L-shaped storage room. He was wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt and pushing up his glasses. He’d acquired a thick coating of dust on his head, taken off his school jacket, and turned up the sleeves on his shirt. For some reason he carried a rusty track hurdle. This was what he had come to after the teachers had forced him to organize the storage room in exchange for using the gym. Of course, the patron saint of broken hearts was a newborn when it came to being class president and didn’t have the bargaining skill of the former president when it came to the teachers.

“What? Is it that hard?”

“It’s super, super, super hard! It’s too hard! I definitely can’t finish this alone!”

“Uhhh…then, sorry, but Takasu, can you help Ami? I’ll have Aisaka and everyone else start working on this stuff before you.”

As Kitamura said that, Taiga had already secured some scissors and glue. She was assigning the first-year underlings work beside him. She looked at Ryuuji as though she had just noticed what had happened and blinked several times.

“Huh, Ryuuji is? He’s not working it with us? But we’re going to start making stars now—a ton of ’em.”

From behind her, Kitamura kindly stooped down to be at her level and explained it to Taiga with a smile. I was thinking I’d have Takasu help Ami out. It might have been because Taiga hadn’t had the time to turn red with how busy they had been for the last few days, or because she had gained immunity, but she was unexpectedly calm. Her eyes, however, were still bright as she nodded. I see, got it.

Casually, Kitamura took the scissors from Taiga’s clumsy hands and handed her some ridiculously much-too-large, star-shaped pattern paper. Right when she seemed in danger of dropping it, she overcame it and smiled. They seemed to smile at each other for a while and then Kitamura and Taiga went along into the back of the storeroom.

“Uh…”

You deserve to be rewarded.

Before he could think anything, the earlier echo of the thought resurfaced in his ears. He momentarily forgot what he was going to say. He even forgot that he thought it.

You deserve to be rewarded. That was exactly it.

Taiga’s work needed to be rewarded, too.

“Oh wow,” said Ami, “they look really close. Yuusaku and Tiger-chan. They seem pretty good for each other.”

“Don’t ramble like an idiot. We’re doing this. Anyway, you undo all the stuff you’ve already done.”

Geh, Ami scowled and disagreeably stuck out her tongue. Unlike Noto, Ami’s face was cute when she did that, even at a time like this. Without minding it, Ryuuji sat next to her on the mat and skillfully pulled out more fresh line. He immediately started briskly tying small bells to it and kept going. Ami gave him a rude poke to the back with the knee of her crisscrossed leg.

“Hey, hey, how about we skip out? They wouldn’t notice if we did it now.”

“No. What’s with you, ‘Ami-chan?’ You don’t have any motivation. I thought you were putting your heart into getting everyone excited for this.”

“I am putting my heart into it. Everyone’s going to be excited. Well, you just watch. I’ll show you how amazing. I. Really. Am. But you know what, I’m just so tired today, and the air is stale in here, it’s super cold and smells like B.O., and it’s so noisy because of the sports clubs coming in and out. Just earlier, the girls from the softball club were carrying around barbells and making so much noise… Right, right, you missed them exactly—it was like they switched places with you, Takasu-kun.”

“I said, let’s get to work.”

Kya ha. ♥ Ami smiled as she watched the others busily moving for a while. Her large eyes turned to Ryuuji.

“You were so close. If you’d have just come a little earlier, you would have met a certain someone…ow.”

He put a bell on his palm, flicked it, and hit Ami right in the nose. Ryuuji narrowed his eyes. I can’t hear you, was what he basically meant by that. Ami grabbed her nose, and he turned his back to her.

“You’re the worst. I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you’d do something like this. I hate it when guys vent their anger. Venting it out on me won’t do anything just because you’ve been estranged from Minori-chan lately. It’s not my fault, anyway.”

“Of course it’s not. Who said it was your fault?”

“You’re in such a bad mood. It’s not a good look.”

“It’s because you’re skipping out on the work.”

“Okay, okay, okay. I’ll do it. Look, see, I’m working. Well, it’s not like I don’t understand why you’re in a sour mood. You keep only seeing the girl you like in passing, and on the other side of things it looks like Tiger-chan is all cheerful. It’s like, now that you’re all left behind, Takasu-kun, you’re just a tragic loner…ow ow ow ow!”

Poke! Poke! Poke! With three pokes to the head, he silenced her and then flicked her again for good measure.

“Was it you?!” he said. “It must have been you! You must have spread the weird rumor to our classmates!”

“Whaat?! What’s wrong with you?! I don’t understand what you’re trying to say!”

Not backing down to the beautiful face that glared at him, he brought his own face closer to her. Ryuuji brought his voice as low as it could go.

“Like I said! That…Taiga…that Taiga l-likes Kitamura! Everyone’s been trying to push them together! So it must have been you—”

“Like I know!”

She smacked him straight in the middle of the head with her fist. Ryuuji clammed up. It had been the first time he had been hit by a girl in a while. Come to think of it, it had been a week since Taiga had stopped beating him up. Ow. Ami shook her fist as though she were in pain. She snorted in dissatisfaction.

“Seriously! Why would you assume I’d do something like that?! Actually, I know what everyone’s saying, of course, but I’m not gonna go cheering Yuusaku and Tiger on. In the first place, I don’t care what they do, and Maya’s all lovey-dovey ♥ about Maruo and about to blow her fuse. It’s just, well, I agree with the class that they suit each other better than I expected. Hmph, they’ll probably just move on right into dating, won’t they? Then what’ll you do? Would that upset you?”

“Why would it? I don’t really care. I don’t like people sticking their noses into other people’s romantic lives… It’s just weird and I don’t like it, that’s it…that’s all.”

“Oh…”

Looking at Ryuuji’s face as he mumbled, the malicious glitter in Ami’s eyes returned.

“Aha. ♥ You’re kind of acting like a father giving away his bride?”

“Like that’s true. I’ve never had a daughter, and even if I have a dad, I’ve never seen him.”

“You’ve got a little girl, and you’ve been minding your own business and taking care of her forever. You make sure she doesn’t fall over, or get any cuts, or cry, you make sure she hasn’t gotten hurt or sick or died, and then some other guy comes along and tries to steal her away. A guy who you’re not even sure will take care of her and treat her like you’ve been. You’ve been treasuring her, and she’s just become pretty, and a guy who you’re not even sure has the power to protect her is pulling her out of the nest. Dads don’t get rewarded for anything, do they? No matter how much you hate it and how little you get in return, it’s not like you can keep her. You know the reason why? Fathers get older faster. They lose their strength and die. You’re instinctually afraid of leaving your daughter alone in the world after you die, so even though you hate it, you entrust her to a guy who will live longer than you and who is healthier than you.”

“Huh?”

What even is that?

Taiga’s actual father wasn’t nearly that admirable. He was unbelievably selfish and didn’t have any issues with leaving his immature daughter to live by herself. Ryuuji wasn’t Taiga’s father, either. Like he’d have a daughter at seventeen who was practically the same age as him. And speaking of which, there were plenty of girls without husbands who were living away from their fathers. There was Koigakubo Yuri-chan and Takasu Yasuko-chan. They weren’t weak maidens who had been left behind. They were adults making their way through the world with their own power and wits. Even though it seemed like they had a mountain of problems, that was just how they lived. 

“What you just said is pretty sexist. It’s problematic. You’re someone’s daughter, too, so don’t look down on your sisters.”

“It’s not what I think. I’m just acting as a spokesperson for what all the fathers—what you— are thinking in your hearts. I’m just making it easier to understand.”

“I’m not thinking that. Don’t just say whatever you feel like.”

He dismissed Ami’s words with a snort and focused his attention on the line and bells. He gently pushed the line through the small hole on the bell but missed and clicked his tongue at it. It wasn’t going well.

“But you can’t be enjoying this, right? Seeing Yuusaku and Tiger together? I can tell just by looking at your face. So that’s why you’re in such a bad mood. How perverted. You’re not even her father, and you’re not going to get old faster than her or die earlier, but you’ve been taking care of her and decided no one else can touch her. It’s like you’re even pretending you’re married with a wife. It’s like the three of you are playing house and each of you know your roles as the father, mother, and child.”

“Gaah! Really!”

The bell slipped right out of his hand. He pushed back his hair and automatically glared at Ami. He really might have been venting his anger. 

In response to his glare, Ami’s gaze was quiet, without sarcasm or even spite.

“Hey. What are you going to do?”

“…”

Her deep brown eyes were a little cold and looked as though they saw through everything. They looked straight through him to the point he couldn’t even move a muscle. Ami looked deep into Ryuuji. It was as though she were looking deep into the bottom of his heart and stepping into it.

“But actually. If Tiger and Yuusaku get together, what are you going to do, Takasu-kun? That wouldn’t bother you? Is it that you don’t care about her as long as you’re also with Minori-chan?”

He blinked. He licked his dry lips and forgot to even breathe when faced with Ami’s stare. Finally, he remembered—he didn’t have to answer Ami’s question. It wasn’t like he was under any obligation to. But when he tried to turn away, Ami grabbed his chin as though he were a girl about to be kissed. She kept him captive with an unexpected strength and fixed her stare on him at point-blank range. As she looked at him with eyes so big they were frightening, she asked him one more time: 

“Are you fine with that? Hey, why are you playing dad for her? When did that start? Was it like that from the beginning?”

“Like I said, I don’t remember ever being anyone’s dad or anything.”

“What are you talking about? You’re putting your heart into the role.”

Even if he averted his eyes, even if he brushed aside the hand that held his chin, he couldn’t run from Ami’s voice.

“The relationship between you and Tiger is way too unnatural. It’s super weird. You should stop playing house like children. I think you must have been wrong to start playing it in the first place. Open your eyes before you really get hurt. Even the playing field. Then you can start again from the beginning. Let me in from the start, too. Make it so I’m not some outsider who came into your relationship after it had already started. Count me in as someone there from the start. If you could do that then I could…then I could also…then I—”

What could I do? Ami also stopped talking. Then, in a small voice she said, “I don’t know.”

She turned her face to the side, but in the next moment, a smile came over her lips. “Forget I said any of that,” she whispered with the smile of an angel.

He couldn’t forget it, but he could try to pretend he had. Ryuuji still couldn’t decide what to say next, and he still couldn’t move his hands now that he had stopped them, so he looked back at Ami’s smile. Ami finally picked up the line and bells. She undid the line she had once tied and the bell dropped to her knees. It was a lot easier to tie fresh line than to undo what had already been done. As she was doing that, she said to herself in a low voice, “In the end, it’s hardest to understand yourself.”

That was it. Her face was hidden by her drooping hair, so he couldn’t really see it. The others were busily going back and forth, their hands full with their own work, so they didn’t notice the words of the faux angel on the mat.

Even the shadow of the doughnut-haloed, limited-edition seasonal angel wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

***

It was the last day of the end-of-semester exams.

They finished all their exams in the morning, so the end-of-day homeroom was filled with commotion. Though anyone would have been dead tired after three continuous days of testing, their young bodies had perked right up from the sense of liberation. They were up and already ready for winter break. Christmas was etched into their hearts. There were even some students grinning with the prospect of their New Year’s presents coming in the next month. 

“Come on! I said to quiet down! Are you listening?! When you go home, don’t take any detours and don’t loiter anywhere! You have normal classes tomorrow and the next day, so you can’t get carried away by winter vacation! Are! You! Listening?!”

The single homeroom teacher (age 30) raised her voice, but it wasn’t like anyone would obediently settle down. They had finally been released from studying for the exams, and even if they had regular classes, they would just be getting back their scores and going over them. All that was left after that were the closing ceremonies—in other words, the Christmas Eve they were waiting for, and the huge party that most of the class would go to in the gym. Not a single seventeen-year-old in the entire world would be able to sit quietly in their seat under these circumstances.

But Kitamura got them all to finally stand and do their end-of-day dismissal. Right when that ended, the class broke into conversation.

“Yaaaaaaahoooooooo! Our exams are ooooooveeeer!”

“We did it~! We did it~! Winter break~! We’re on break~! I’m gonna have so much fun~!”

“What should I go eat? Where should I go before going home~?! Kyaaaaaaaah~!”

The thirty-year-old could only smile painfully as the jubilant voices made all of class 2-C vibrate. The other classes must have been making the same commotion, too. The sound of laughter and high-pitched conversations echoed all around the classroom. Finally, as though vying against each other, the children pushed out into the hallway. They all tried to get out even a moment faster, as though they were breaking out of the jail that was school.

Ryuuji put his bag on his desk after he finished preparing to go home. He stretched out his stiff shoulders and back. He thought he did better on the exams than he ever had before. The points concisely summarized in the patriarch’s notes came up so often that he almost had fun with it.

“Phew! Good job! How ’bout we go out to lunch together already~? Raaamen!”

“You don’t have any prep committee work today, right?”

Haruta and Noto, who had benefited from the patriarch’s notes like he had, hit him on the back.

“Right, well, today’s not great…”

What?! they said in unison. He scratched his head and mumbled through his lie. 

In actuality, he wasn’t really sure what would come after “Today’s not great…” but he turned them down in the hope that he would have something to do. After declining his friends’ invitation, Ryuuji stared to his right. Because he hadn’t slept, his evil eyes were bloodshot as he cursed—wait, no—as he prayed. His eyes were glued intently on two girls in the middle of conversation.

One of them was Taiga. Her long hair was still clipped up for the exams. She had forgotten to undo it as she talked. The other girl was Minori. Her bangs were also still tied up—probably for the exams, too—but she looked like the doll on the Kewpie mayonnaise bottles (and particularly like the doll from the Daigoro collaboration). Her hair stuck straight up as she listened to Taiga. 

Yeah yeah. Minori shook her head, crossed her arms, and finally closed her eyes with a meek expression on her face. Please just nod, please say yes, Ryuuji quietly encouraged her. He formed his sweaty hand into a fist. Maybe it was because of the dry air, but his lips were peeling, so he licked them with his tongue. Because of his nerves, he also breathed raggedly.

“Ew, Takasu-kun looks way too excited.” 

“He’s probably just imagining New Year’s cleaning or something.” 

“Yeah, but it’s kind of scary.” 

“Yeah, he does look kind of dangerous.” 

Ryuuji was oblivious to the gazes of the scared girls around him as he huffed and puffed and continued to wait for Minori’s response.

In the end, his encouragement hadn’t been enough.

“Sorry! I’ve got practice coming up!”

Sooorry! Minori suddenly said to Taiga four times in a row. The conversation went like a sumo match. Minori had forced Taiga out of the ring with the brute force of her arms.

Ryuuji didn’t even have a sitting cushion to throw at the end of the match. From a slight distance away, his shoulders drooped. As if to add insult to injury, Taiga conspicuously turned to Ryuuji. She made a face that looked something like a strangled corpse and stuck out her tongue as she used her thumb to mime cutting her own throat—okay, maybe it wasn’t that conspicuous, but anyway, it was her signal that things hadn’t gone well. He didn’t need it though, since he had already heard everything.

The angel Taiga had been suggesting that the three of them, including Ryuuji, get lunch together that day. That was what she was inviting Minori to, but their mission was a failure. Forced out of the ring, Taiga dejectedly retreated back to Ryuuji. 

“Oh well, Minorin said she had softball stuff…”

“I got it. I got it. I heard the whole thing.”

“Gweh!”

“I said I got it.”

Maybe she wasn’t fully confident that he had understood, because she mimed cutting her neck again. If anyone nearby were watching, it really didn’t look good. He apologetically averted his eyes when it happened.

“Oh. Sorry, I’m really sorry I can’t go even though you went out of your way to invite me.”

“Yeah. No, um, it’s not really, like—y-you and Taiga haven’t really had a good chance to take some time to talk in a while, so I thought…”

“Well, I’ve really gotten on the bad side of my coach, so the practices have been really tough.”

For days, he had missed Minori by chance… Well, it wasn’t actually just by chance. Now Minori’s voice was close to him. Minori laughed as though embarrassed and her tied-up bangs bobbed slightly.

“Those…bangs. Are you okay leaving them like that?”

“Huh? My bangs? What about them? Oh?! Gyaaaohh!”

It seemed that she had forgotten that they were tied up. Once Ryuuji pointed them out to her, she touched them, noticed she looked like Daigoro, and pulled off the elastic band in a fluster. 

“Why didn’t you say anything, Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta—oh, I got it off!” She hit Taiga’s unguarded forehead with both her hands and Taiga simply fell over without a sound. 

“Weeeell, that was close! I was about to go to softball like that! Ahh, that was way too embarrassing, and now my hair’s poking out at a weird angle… Oh no!”

Her bangs splayed out in weird directions. She held them as her face turned red. Ryuuji sputtered. Her weird bangs were funny, but it was Minori’s cute embarrassment that had really gotten him.

“Kawashima probably keeps hair mousse or something in her locker?” he said.

“It’s fine. It’s fine. Water will do the trick. This is terrible. I know, I’ll put this on.”

Minori shook her head wildly back and forth. Then she put on her uniform cap, which had been in a pocket of her sports bag. She pulled it low as though to cover her face.

“Yeah, that works. I thought you were about to pull out your bald cap…but if you put a cap on indoors, you might actually go bald.”

“If I said I don’t mind! A shock for you! Baldness falls upon me! In order to protect my thick and luscious hair…ah, I’m having trouble singing today, ah well! See ya tomorrow!”

Then, without even giving him enough time to wave, she turned around and left. She was as fast as the wind and didn’t even say goodbye to them.

Even after he lost sight of her, he still wanted to talk with her more. In the end, Minori hadn’t used the patriarch’s notes for the test, so he wanted to talk about how helpful they were, and to tell her that the prep for Christmas Eve was going steadily forward, and that most of the class was going to the party so she should go, too—he wanted to talk to her about stuff like that. 

The next opportunity he had, he definitely wouldn’t let her escape. With anguish pulling at his face, he closed the front button of his school jacket. He wasn’t trying to cover his intestines, which were spilling out of his stomach after having been gutted…and he definitely wasn’t laughing it off. In the first place, something like that wouldn’t have been funny. No, he was just motivated and high-spirited. Next time, he would definitely, definitely not let her escape. He still had a chance the next day, and the day after that, when they had normal classes.

In order to be rewarded, in order to have a happy Christmas, he would definitely invite Minori out to the Christmas Eve party. In order to see Minori’s real smile, he would wholeheartedly invite her.

“Ahh, that was a surprise… Is blood spurting out of my forehead?”

“If it were…I don’t think you’d be okay right now.”

Taiga, who had been hit in the head and flipped to the ground, finally stood up. She rubbed at her head as she sighed regretfully.

“Minorin ran from us again.”

“She said she had softball, so she couldn’t do anything about it. It’s fine. There will be other opportunities.”

“Ahhh…it’s like you give up too easily and she senses it coming… I was thinking of trying to get you two alone together, though. I was going to go with you up to the restaurant and then when we got to the front, I would have been like, ‘Oh! I remembered I had something I needed to do!’ or something like that.”

“Wow, you’re so passionate, angel Taiga-sama. You even had such a thoughtful lie ready.”

Ryuuji, who had ended up being free, looked around the classroom. He didn’t expect Kitamura, who was very busy, to be around, and it seemed that Noto and Haruta had already gone to eat their raaah-men. He didn’t want to eat alone after finally being liberated on the last day of exams, but he didn’t have anyone to eat with. No, he did have someone to eat with. She was right in front of his eyes.

“Ah well, let’s eat something on the way home. We can even think through our next plan.”

“I can’t. I actually have something I need to do for real. Not a lie.”

What?! Like a child, Ryuuji stared at the top of Taiga’s head as though shooting a beam from his eyes.

“What do you mean you have plans?!”

“I need to go to the post office really quick. Once I’m done with that, I’ll eat somewhere.”

“What do you mean? You could go to the post office really fast and then come with me to eat. I can even make stuff at home.”

“I need to go home first and get the stuff ready. Actually, what’s with you, you’re depres…”

“I’m depres-what? Yeah, finish what you were saying. Santa and I are listening.”

“Depressing…not. But sometimes, I-I-I can’t not not not not not not stand being near you…?”

“…?”

She probably didn’t even know what she was saying. Taiga scowled and slowly tilted like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Ryuuji, who was listening to her, also tilted. Together, they both tilted about thirty-five degrees like mirror images.

“There you are, Takasu-kun! Hey hey hey hey! Are you busy?! You’re not right! I had something I needed to ask you. How about you come with us to lunch?! You’d be the only guy, but that’s okay, right?! Right?!”

The one who came up to him, making him automatically want to draw back in desperation, was Maya. Nanako and Ami wore faint, sly smirks as they hung behind Maya, who was also smiling, and seemed to be most spitefully enjoying what was happening. As she came closer and closer, he felt like he could see “Maruo” written in her right eye and “Tiger” in her left, and on her forehead. Frankly, he considered the invitation from the trio of beautiful girls from 2-C a slight—no—a huge pain. 

He replied without thinking. “Uh, well…sorry, I’ve got something I need to do.”

That was a lie.

“What?! Really?! We can wait for whatever it is!”

“No no, I need to go to the post office.”

“Then we’ll go with you! And then we can go to lunch!”

“I need to grab some packages at Taiga’s place to take over there. If you’d be willing to invite Taiga, too, then it’d be okay.”

Like it’d ever be okay?! said her right eye. Read the mood! said her left. Maya spoke to him eloquently with just her eyes, but she closed her mouth and retreated without being able to do anything. She pushed up her nicely-dyed, pretty, long hair as she said, “I got it. But next time, you definitely need to talk with me, okay? The two of us are bound by fate in a way that no one else knows. We’re badgers in the same hole…”

She dropped a whispered secret right into Ryuuji’s ear. He felt that since he hadn’t immediately addressed Maya’s misunderstanding, it would probably bring a storm of troubles on him in the not-too-distant future. On that day, though, he didn’t have the energy to deal with it.

Well, see ya! He waved a hand at the beautiful trio hurriedly and had Taiga take her bag. She was dumbfounded as he pushed her so that they could escape into the hallway.

They headed down the stairs together toward the exit side by side and Taiga glanced up at Ryuuji’s face.

“What’s with you lying like that? Actually, what’s with that valley girl acting like she knows Kitamura-kun? What’s she trying to make you do? Oh, pretend that didn’t happen. We’ll redo this. I wonder what that f-friendly Kihara-san is up to.”

“Who knows? It doesn’t matter, so let’s go to the post office. If we go, then it won’t be a lie.”

Taiga narrowed her eyes for a moment as though she really was annoyed, but it seemed like she couldn’t find a way to refuse Ryuuji’s pushing while still being a “good girl.” 

“Mergh…” she groaned in a low voice, like a cow. She gave up and started heading home with Ryuuji.

“Were…you thinking of taking these all by yourself?”

“I was, why? I did it last year. I had one cart in each hand.”

Rattle rattle, creak creak. The wheels of the grating cart transferred the holes and dimples from the asphalt to his hands. Taiga and Ryuuji each had one and pushed as they walked. It felt as though they were competing to see who would fold under the weight of the packages first.

Even normally, walking from the corner of the street they lived on to the post office would take more than fifteen minutes. Partway through, there was a harsh upward slope, a twisty and windy sudden downward slope called the “serpent hill” that was really tight, and then there was a promenade. Incidentally, on that day, the northern wind was blowing cold and strong enough to make their throats grow numb. It was so cold that he couldn’t fully open his eyes.

He couldn’t have even guessed he would have been in these straits, carrying so many packages over that road. He wavered between being glad he offered to help and considering whether he offered too quickly. No matter how he felt and how close he was to whining, Taiga was also absorbed in pulling a cart a little ahead of him that was just as loaded up as his. Below her coat, the hem of her long dress moved in the wind and the heels of her boots rang out.

When Ryuuji had changed and gone to her condo, Taiga had already snugly, though clumsily, tied the heavy packages down onto the cart with packing string. The pile of packages was heavy and large but wrapped in pretty paper.

“So, what is this? What are these packages?”

“I’m going to be sending them out. See, we’re here. Careful of the stairs, up we go—”

Heave ho! They pulled the heavy carts towards the entrance of the post office they had finally made their way to. They clumsily crab-walked up the three flights of stairs. Far from being a barrier-free world, the door wasn’t even automatic, and Taiga could only rudely push it open with her butt while going backwards and holding her cart. Ryuuji had been praying they would get there, so he didn’t have the right to tell her off. It really had been an arduous journey.

They had finally made it into the small post office.

“Huh?! What’s with this line?!”

“Whoa…looks like everyone’s dead tired…”

People young and old, male and female, filled the office in its confusion. It might have been because the end of the year was coming, or because it was the season for gifts, or maybe because it was right in the middle of when offices took their lunch breaks, but the small area was filled with people to the point it was suffocating. In the worst-case scenario, it was the type of rush hour where someone might catch a cold. 

However, no one was in line at the single delivery window. Oh, that’s not bad. Ryuuji approached it but was held back by the staff. They were told to take a number from the machine, and when he ripped one off, the digital numbers told them that they were the seventh in line. Why did they need to wait so long just to prepare stuff for delivery?

“Ahh, we got here at a bad time. I guess we can only sit down on the sofas and wait… There isn’t even a place to sit.”

“Oh well. You wait and watch the stuff over here for a while. I don’t have packing slips, so I’m going to fill them out while we have time.”

All right, Ryuuji thought. He pushed the two carts to the wall and leaned his stiffening back against it as he watched Taiga’s long skirt flutter when she turned around. He thought he might re-tie the strings on the packages while he was waiting and reached out to the hard knots.

“…”

Without thinking, he stopped. 

What is this? he accidentally said out loud.

He hadn’t meant to look. He had seen it anyway. He saw it on the giant boxes wrapped in very Christmas-y wrapping paper that were even beautifully tied with bows. He had seen it already had a packing slip on it.

The destination was for a high-class district in Tokyo’s heart. The addressee was Aisaka Rikuro-sama. It couldn’t be, he thought. He found another box that looked similar. This time, he had a firm purpose when he checked it. On it was written the same address and the addressee Aisaka Yuu-sama.

“Hey, could you put this on the biggest one at the bottom…what?”

“What is this… Why are you sending these to them?”

He didn’t have the right to complain. He wasn’t in the place to. He knew that, but he couldn’t just silently stand by. He couldn’t not question it. He was so shaken that he almost felt dizzy, but in front of his eyes, Taiga didn’t change her expression by a beat.

“I could have sent it from the department store, but I wanted to put a card in it and things from other stores, so I decided to send it myself. I bought a zip-up knitted jacket for playing golf at the department store. I got them in matching gray and pink from a brand that I think they’d like. I also got Mariage Frères black tea and an earthenware cup that seemed good for beer, and then—”

“That’s not—”

His voice stuck in his throat and he coughed. He tried again.

“That’s not it! Is this for your old man and your stepmom? Christmas presents? Are you serious?! Are you out of your mind?! You’re not thinking of trying to make up again, are you?!”

“If it weren’t Christmas, I would have beat you up for looking. But I’m a good girl, so I’ll forgive you. These are just presents I’m sending home to my parents, and I’m serious and in my right mind. Is that all?”

“Why are you doing this?!”

“Because it’s Christmas. And it’s my parents. You know what, this is supposed to be a secret, but I got presents for you and Ya-chan, too. That’s right. That other day on Sunday, I said I’d be studying at home, but I really went around the department store, and—”

“That’s not what we’re talking about!”

At Ryuuji’s voice, Taiga stopped for a moment. It didn’t seem like she had suddenly been overpowered by his loud voice. Ryuuji was still shaken, but before his eyes, Taiga actually rather quietly and calmly narrowed her eyes. Her breathing was quiet and, as though she were trying to teach him how to have a reasonable conversation, her voice was low.

“I really do understand what you’re trying to say. But right now, I don’t want to listen to that. That’s why I didn’t want you to come.”

This time, Ryuuji was silent, and it also wasn’t because he had been overpowered, either.

So she really did understand. If she understood, then why would she do this? He couldn’t organize the questions that overflowed from his throat, and his words wouldn’t come out. Why Taiga, why are you doing this?

Regardless of how many times she claimed it was because it was Christmas, he couldn’t believe that she would give gifts to a father who had abandoned her and a stepmother who had been the reason for her abandonment. They betrayed and hurt her over and over and, as a natural consequence, left her completely isolated on a daily basis. They practically loathed and hated each other, so why was she being friendly to them just because it was Christmas? Why was she putting on this performance, purposefully feigning a good relationship, and sending them presents? If it were some sort of theatrical version of sarcasm, he might have been able to understand it.

However, he couldn’t possibly accept “Because it’s Christmas” as a reason. Even Ryuuji felt that he had been betrayed by Taiga’s father. So why was Taiga doing this?

It seemed that Taiga had decided to table it. She took a small breath and calmly continued with her work. With her small, pale child’s hands, she slapped the packing slips that she had filled out onto the tops of the boxes. He found those slips strange, too.

The addresses Taiga had written were in beautiful cursive, so he almost couldn’t tell what language they were in at first glance. When he looked really, really closely, the destination was Tokyo, written in English. The sender, however, wasn’t Aisaka Taiga and didn’t contain the address of the street they were on. Instead, there was a name that started with an S written out in English.

“Santa…Claus…”

“It’s for volunteer work. Or something like that. It’s our turn. If you’re not upset by it, could you help bring over the packages?”

The older man at the post office window read back each delivery address in order to confirm they were correct. Several of them were addressed to churches and child welfare services.

***

She said that the all-girls school near her parents’ house that she attended since she was in elementary was Catholic.

“I didn’t get into the high school, though. I got cut for bad behavior.”

When Ryuuji heard the name of the school, which was well known widely in the world as the place daughters of rich families went, the hand Ryuuji was using to eat his seven hundred eighty-yen pasta (with a drink, salad, and lunch soup) unintentionally stopped in its tracks. Taiga, who also was eating the same pasta in front of his eyes, continued without noticing his expression.

“Volunteering was essential to the school, so we had to go around to churches and institutions with the sisters. Then we’d go help with chores and show the—I don’t like to call them this—but we would show the less fortunate kids how to play games. The packages from earlier are things I’m sending to the places I visited back then. They’re all places with kids who can’t live with their parents. I send them toys, candy, books, manga, sports equipment, dictionaries, reference books, encyclopedias, themed stationery… Of course, even a good girl can’t send presents to the whole world, and I don’t want to get caught up in any weird fraud schemes, so I do whatever is within my means for places that I know and trust.”

“So less fortunate kids come right after your parents. Hmm…”

He knew that Taiga was looking at him, but he didn’t intend to stay silent. He didn’t want to blame her or stop her from what she was doing, though.

“Sorry, but I don’t get it. I don’t get what you’re trying to do.”

There was just something he had to say.

It was just too unlike the “Aisaka Taiga” he knew. It felt wrong to him—it didn’t feel wrong in a moral sense, but it just didn’t sit right with him, and he couldn’t understand. It seemed like she was purposefully acting weird, and it seemed like an obvious lie, so he couldn’t help but ask what her true intentions were.

Taiga was stubborn, arrogant, and conceited. She was supposed to be cocky as the terrifying, strongest beast, the Palmtop Tiger. At the same time, she couldn’t lie, didn’t know how to put on an act, and was clumsy to the point of absurdity—that was Aisaka Taiga. When Taiga had told him “I’m going to be a good girl until Christmas,” he believed her, though he didn’t get her reasoning. He thought that it would be a good thing for what it was. 

Honestly, since then Taiga hadn’t gotten into fights with anyone—even Ami—she hadn’t rampaged, and she studied for tests as she earnestly prepared for the party with the others. It had gotten to the point where she gained the trust of those around her, and things seemed to be going well. Ryuuji himself was also no longer at the mercy of Taiga’s unreasonableness, stubbornness, or jeering. He had his share of calm days. Then, when it came to Kitamura, Taiga had gotten close enough to her crush to the point that it made his chest stir in a way he didn’t understand.

But he thought that this—that she was doing something like this—was overdoing it, no matter what the circumstances were. This was too different from Taiga’s regular self. To be frank, he thought it was an obvious sham and beyond the scope of reason.

Taiga took a spoonful of the somewhat tasteless soup from the lunch set and breathed out a sigh. Normally, whenever Ryuuji was being a busybody and nagging at her, Taiga would have showered him in jeers like, “You yappy dog!” She probably would have double-slapped him and that would have been the end of it, but it seemed that Taiga intended to continue her uncanny act. Putting aside the topic of her parents, she was slow to make her preliminary remarks. 

“It’s because I want to show them that someone’s watching.”

She pushed up her long hair, which flowed over her turtleneck sweater. She wiped off the parsley on her lips with a paper napkin and started explaining it to him.

“Christmas is an opportunity for that. Even if you don’t have parents to raise you, even if you don’t believe in a god, even if you don’t believe in Santa, someone is still watching—that’s what I want to tell them. I want to tell them that when Christmas comes, that there really is someone named Santa Claus who sends them piles of toys and candy. I want to show them that there really is someone in the world thinking about them… I want them to believe, they want to believe…that’s…satisfying enough for me. Right. Basically, it’s just for my own satisfaction. That’s it.”

She might have been mocking herself with her gentle smile. Taiga shrugged her shoulders as she grinned and poked at the bacon in her pasta.

“Hypocrite. Self-righteous. That’s exactly what I am. I already know. You don’t need to remind me. I’m not doing this for the kids. I’m just satisfying my own desire to do it. I pretend to be a good girl like this for myself, because I want to believe. I want to believe that someone, somewhere is really watching me. For me, that’s Santa.”

“You were going on and on about Santa earlier… You were serious about that?”

“It’s silly, right?”

He couldn’t reply to the look she gave him as she ate her bacon. She was even smiling faintly, and her eyes were lit up bright.

“I actually, really love Christmas. The streets, the stores—everything, everywhere is glittering and bright and pretty… Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. To me, it just feels like happiness is in the air, it’s here and there, and it’s like it’s overflowing, and everything seems whole. I wonder whether I could become part of that, too. If only I could be part of that happy scene—I would do good things and be a good girl. I want to become another happy smile under the lights of the streets during Christmas. And also—”

What could anyone say to Taiga after seeing her face, after seeing the look that quivered in the back of her half-closed eyes? What could anyone say to her? Taiga’s voice, which was almost a whisper to herself, was so faint and hoarse it was almost swallowed by the noise of the restaurant.

“And also, I’ve actually really met Santa before. Well, it might have really just been a dream…but I still have the memory. It was when I was really little. My mom and dad were still at home and on the night of Christmas Eve, I was sleeping under the tree in the living room. I think I must have been waiting for Santa. I woke up when it suddenly got cold, and I saw that it had started snowing outside. So I got up, and when I went to the window…there he was. Santa was right outside. I was so surprised. I opened the window for him. Santa came in from the window and drank the milk under the tree, and ate the biscuits, and then gave me a present. Then he said this: If you keep being a good girl, I’ll come again.”

She traced out the memory in the air, her gaze wavering faintly, but then she pinched her mouth closed like she had come back to her senses. Then, as though making an excuse to Ryuuji, who remained silent, she dropped her eyes to the corner of the table.

“Well, that was a childish dream. I tried opening the present, but I only remember as far as unwrapping the ribbon. After that… But it was a really happy dream. At least that’s true. That’s the one and only precious memory I have of Christmas. So that’s why I want to be a good girl. Believing in a dream…isn’t that stupid? Isn’t it stupid to pretend because I believe someone’s watching? Do you think I’m weak?”

Ryuuji could only think one thought in that moment.

How could he reply without hurting Taiga? That was it.

Then, slowly, Ryuuji shook his head. “I don’t think that,” he awkwardly muttered. Hearing that, Taiga smiled wider and once again went after her pasta. While watching her open her mouth wide, Ryuuji felt a cold silence fall on his heart. No matter what, he still ended up thinking it. Someone who believed that someone was watching, was a person who basically lived without anyone watching. No one paid any attention to Taiga—that was how she went through life. Except for Santa, whom she had met in her dream. Other than Santa, no one had watched Taiga growing up. On the glittering and radiant night of Christmas Eve, Taiga had been consistently alone.

Whenever he caught glimpses of that deep scar, that deep solitude, he felt something close to fear. It was almost like despair, a bottomless darkness.

What should I do? he thought.

What could he do about Taiga’s solitude, which had built itself up day after day without relief until now? Taiga smiled as she ate her pasta. She smiled because she loved Christmas. She smiled because she was a good girl. She smiled because she was paralyzed. It was because she’d been left to feel pain that she believed was normal.

If he couldn’t do anything to help her, then was he supposed to leave her as is? That was impossible. But. But—but. But.

“It was a dream, so it’s fine. It’s not real. It’s not like I’m dependent on someone who actually exists. This is a dream, a fantasy, it’s in my imagination. So…I’ll believe that and believe that someone is watching. I’ll pretend like I’m a good girl. That’s not weakness, is it?”

Was it a dream or reality?

It must have been a dream. It might have been her crummy father’s one and only attempt at planning something for her, but to Taiga, that would be as flimsy as a dream. It wasn’t weak, but it was sad. If he told her that honestly, it would definitely hurt her.

“Sorry for telling you what to do… After hearing you out, I agree. I get it. I think you really are being a good girl. So, you can have dessert, too!”

He smiled and pushed the dessert menu at Taiga. “Oh, wait, wait.” Taiga finished up the last bit of pasta and started choosing between the colorful desserts with glittering eyes.

Ryuuji propped his head in his hand in order to keep her from realizing the sense of powerlessness he had suddenly been assaulted by in a chain pasta store in the early afternoon.

They lived on the same planet, breathed the same air, and walked under the same sky. They were close as family, but he still couldn’t actually see Taiga for what she really was in times like this. He should have known well enough how hard it was for people to understand each other, but his heart really felt close to breaking at his uselessness and immaturity. Being able to understand her and being able to avoid hurting her were things that existed in separate dimensions. 

He didn’t mind losing sight of someone who was far away. If someone left the path they were on to continue down their own path, he wanted to be able to give them a farewell filled with love and respect. Ryuuji knew that if you believed in romance, then no matter how far you were, things would end up fine.

But.

What could he do for this person who was just a few dozen centimeters away from him? What could he do when she must still be in pain, even now? What could he do when she was being tortured and when he couldn’t do anything for her with his own hands? If she only called for his help—if she just noticed her own open wound and saw that it was still bleeding, something could be done about it.

Was the world so cruel that even someone like her—someone with a raw, open wound—had to walk alone? If that were true, then God and Santa couldn’t exist in the world. If that were true, salvation couldn’t exist, and no one was watching.