Durarara!! - Volume 5 - Chapter 1.2

The Black Market Doctor Gets Sappy, Part Two

Hey, Celty. Sorry about the wait.

It’s been quite a rush around here, hasn’t it?

It looks like you had to cut off your chat session. Is everything okay? I know you like checking in regularly. The chat room with that Saika girl, right?

Well, Shizuo just showed up out of the blue with this bloody kid in tow.

Seems like he had a fight.

Honestly, it’s been ages since he’d actually brought me someone he hit himself.

Probably not since high school. At the time, emergency first aid was about the best I could do. You were out working at the time, I think.

Back then, I hardly ever told you about school, but it was actually pretty rough.

Shizuo and Izaya fought like dogs and cats from the moment I met them. Or more like…vampires and werewolves.

Speaking of which, have you ever met a real vampire or werewolf, Celty?

Oh, I see.

So there are all kinds, even when it comes to vampires and werewolves.

But you’ve hardly seen any vampires since coming to Japan. Well, that makes sense.

If anything, you’re the most visible spooky thing around here.

…But you’re still afraid of the Grays?

Uh, Celty? Celty?

Do you still believe the theory that the Grays were what wiped out the dinosaurs?

…

No, listen, Celty, the photon belt isn’t some gigantic life-form. You realize that, right? I’ve never heard anyone before say, “We might get eaten by the photon belt.”

…

No, no, no! We’re not going to be overrun by beings from the fourth dimension!

Look! No matter how hard Yumasaki tries, a three-dimensional person cannot simply become two-dimensional! So it’d be similarly hard for a fourth-dimensional person to get here! It’ll be fine! What? You’re scared of tesseracts? Have you been reading that sci-fi manga again? That’s not the same as reality!

It’s funny how you don’t mind ghosts or goblins in the least, but you cannot handle anything like aliens. You know, they always have those debate specials on TV, but you never see people who believe in ghosts but not in Venusians. I wish they would jump around more between pro and anti with that stuff.

…What did that TV show just remind you of?

…

It’s fine! Nothing to be scared of with that prophecy!

Remember how nothing happened in 1999? So 2012 will be perfectly safe, too!

That reminds me, back in June of 1999, you were terrified by the thought that your missing head was the great king of terror prophesied by Nostradamus.

What? The Mayan calendar ends in 2012?

Then how far ahead should the Mayans have constructed their calendar?

The year 3000? The year 500,000,000?

How much work do you demand those poor Mayans do?! You have no idea how much work it took for them to create a year’s worth of calendar! For that matter, neither do I.

On that note, the calendar in my pocket organizer only covers up to 2009. Are you going to start saying you’re afraid of 2009 now, Celty?

Plus, you’re not even considering the possibility that humanity could be wiped out by nuclear war or a meteorite before 2012 arrives.

If you’d spread that story around about the year 1800, people would probably have said, “That means we’re totally safe until the year 2012! Yahoo!” And the rest would ignore you.

But most “prophets” are really just people who are skilled at taking very loose evidence and twisting it to suit their story. Not that I’m saying they can’t be real.

Let’s take…Izaya, for instance.

He has qualities that make him close to a prophet.

You know how he talks as though he can see through everything that’s happening?

Whenever trouble arises, he wafts in afterward and acts like he caused it all—and then reaps the benefits after the fact. Even though he did nothing up to that point.

It’s like when false prophets claim they foresaw actual events of the past, long before they happened. It’s Izaya Orihara’s style to get people to believe him when he says that.

In fact, if you treat him very calmly and rationally, the things he says aren’t ordinarily believable… What he does is tell you the worst possible thing at the worst possible moment to rattle you and make you vulnerable.

If Izaya got on TV calling himself a prophet, he’d be quite a hit, I bet.

Though knowing him, once he found himself with a following of believers, he’d get bored, proclaim something about Japan sinking into the ocean, then disappear and leave chaos in his wake.

Ever since school, he was always good at leading people on.

That’s what he was good at—leading people on, not out and out fooling them. He had a pointless knack for it.

And that’s why my high school time was so miserable. Shizuo was ferocious, Izaya was fishy, and not a single girl wanted anything to do with me. Of course, I was living with you, so I didn’t need any girls.

At any rate, you cannot let Izaya lead you astray. Unlike the false prophets, he doesn’t have a shred of goodwill. Not that I would want to be told fake prophecies for a good cause.

Huh? What would I do if I were a true prophet who saw a future vision of the world destroyed?

…You do realize I was just talking very fervently about how Izaya in real life is more dangerous than any prophecy, right? Shall I assume you were just ignoring that whole part?

That makes me kind of sad, but I find that aspect of you endearing as well, so I’ll let it slide.

If I could predict the future, and I knew that humanity could escape calamity through its actions as a whole, then I’d make, like, ten billion yen gambling, blow it up to a few trillion through the stock market, use the money to prove and publicize my powers of foresight, then tell everyone about the future. If that takes until there’s only three days left until oblivion, I’ll just give up and hold you tight instead!

…Weird. I figured that would be the point where you get overcome with emotion and leap into my arms.

You know, a proven prophet is something like a time machine when you think about it. It’s like a time machine that can only send information from the future into the past.

…

Celty, please don’t start talking about how scary an out-of-control AI would be.

It’s so strange how you can be confident and brave, but as soon as the topic of aliens and the like comes up, you switch into scaredy-cat mode. It’s super-cute, though!

…

…You’re not going to pinch me or poke me with your shadow?

Look, I’m not a masochist or anything, but when you don’t do your usual thing, it’s a bit worrying for me…

“I’m calm now, thanks”?

You must have really been terrified.

It’s fine; you can cry in my arms. Then, we’ll go to bed. We can engage in some pillow tal— Ah-ah-ah-aah! That’s a bit more like your usual sel-el-el-el-elf! Ouch! Ow…owww!

Ooh, that hurt. But I’m glad you’re feeling better.

And just so you know, I’m not a skeptic of supernatural phenomena. I’m a proponent, if anything.

I mean, I have the miracle of your presence, Celty.

I called you spooky earlier, but I take that back now.

You’re not a fairy or a goblin or a ghost.

You’re a miracle of love.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a fairy, or a demon, or an angel to me.

As the saying goes, “You can find a fruitful tree by its flowers,” but in your case, it would be more like “You can find the sweetness of honey by its dapple shade.” From the moment I met you, I understood what an enchanting person you were! All on my own!

…Hmm?

Oh no, not now!

Sorry, Celty. The kid Shizuo brought here is awake.

I need to go explain the situation. Don’t want him to go all berserk in here.

Whew, thanks for waiting.

He’s up and walking now, so I sent him back home. Since Shizuo hit him, I told him about another unlicensed doctor working at a place that can actually do a brain scan. He’ll need that kind of help.

It really is inconvenient not having, for example, an MRI machine. So I got this doctor’s info from some people at Dad’s company last month.

Speaking of Shizuo, he shouldn’t be relying on me so heavily, just because I cut him a good deal.

He seems to think that our little love nest is a Red Cross tent.

It’s an insult to all upstanding legitimate doctors to associate a black market doc like me with their work.

Speaking of which, have you ever had any war experience, Celty?

…

So your memory of that time is still vague.

You think it’s in your head…? Come on, Celty. You can’t start with the head search thing again.

As long as you’re here in this city, you won’t have any connection to war, I’d say.

As they say, Japan has gone soft from its peace, but I’m grateful for the conditions that created that softness. It just means things are quiet for you and me.

But you never know when that peace might come to an end, so we ought to foster as much love together while we still can!

So let’s continue what we were— Er-er-er-er-ow-ow-ow-ow, ouch, ouch! That hurts! It hurts when you use your shadow to lock both my arms to-to-to-to-to— Give! Give, give! I give…!