Full Metal Panic! - Volume SS08 - Unflappable Eight Ball Angle - Chapter 2

The Obligatory Virtual Reality (Part 2)

At last, the (self-declared) heroes were assembled! The unparalleled sorcerer, Zama (Shinji), the noble monk, Baki (Issei), the invisible ranger, Seagal (Sousuke), and the beautiful warrior, Toilet Paper (Kaname)—the fearless foursome were about to mount their final challenge against the evil witch! Soon they would mount an attack on Yoko’s grand fortress in the Twilight Forest, in whose deepest dungeon the cleric, Cia (Zama’s beloved), was being held! A new chapter of the legend was about to be written!

“Sorry to chill the enthusiasm,” Kaname said casually, “but Kazama-kun’s our only magic-user. You said we needed a cleric. Will we be okay like this?”

“Hmm... I think we will, for now,” Shinji speculated. “As a monk, Tsubaki-kun should also have a small repertoire of healing and defensive spells.”

“Me? Spells? I had no idea,” Issei said in surprise.

Sousuke snorted. “You fought without knowing your own machine’s specs? Fool...”

“Shut up! You were fighting with a club until just yesterday, too!”

“Hmph.” As a ranger, Sousuke was best suited to wielding bows, but he’d only just realized that.

“We’ll figure out the cleric problem later. For now, I’m gonna teach Tsubaki-kun how to cast. You’ll want to set up your shortcuts. Sagara-kun, you should build up your skills. Bows aren’t too powerful, but if you build up your skill level enough, they can really pack a punch.”

“R-Right...”

“We need to focus on teamwork from now on. Chidori-san and Tsubaki-kun in the front, Sagara-kun and me in the back. I’ll teach you all how to do team attacks too. Don’t worry, it’s really simple.”

Shinji gave swift and precise orders, and the two of them awkwardly did as they were told. “Do this, like that,” he’d say, and they’d respond, meekly. “Sorry, what do I do here?” and “That’s so hard,” and such. It was quite the role-reversal from the standard situation.

“Chidori-san, just keep doing what you’ve been doing,” Shinji told her. “You’re getting really good.”

“Am I? Heh heh heh.”

“Okay, let’s move on,” he finally decided. “We’ll spend some time learning the controls while we level up.” With that, they began walking out through the wasteland in a group. A cold wind blew past under the gloomy sky, causing the branches of the dead trees around them to sway.

Issei called out to Kaname at the lead. “Chidori. I’ve been wondering...”

“Hmm?”

“Why in the world did you choose that... ah, you know what? Never mind.”

“What?” she asked. Normally you could see your own character’s name above your head, but some strange bug in Kaname’s install had changed her settings. All she could see was her level (18), so she hadn’t realized yet that her name was Toilet Paper.

“It’s nothing,” Issei said hastily. “Everyone has their own tastes... I was just a little confused.”

“Huh? You’re being so weird...” said Kaname, continuing to walk ahead of the party.

Behind her, Sousuke and Issei whispered to each other.

“I really am curious, though.”

“Hush,” Sousuke advised him. “Let it be.”

Soon, a new set of monsters appeared—a mixed band of trolls and orcs—and battle instantly commenced. Sousuke fired. Shinji cast. Kaname sliced. Issei punched. The enemies were defeated in a flash.

Sousuke and Issei were surprised by how much stronger a mere change in their equipment and fighting style in accordance with Shinji’s instructions had made them.

“It’s very unexpected.”

“To think it would change this much...”

“Right?” Shinji agreed. “Though Chidori-san took some damage. Tsubaki-kun, you should heal her.”

“Oh? Right...” said Issei, using the casting method he’d just learned to heal Kaname.

“Thanks!” she said brightly.

“Sure thing. Just let me know when you get in trouble. I’ll heal you anytime.”

“Thanks again, I’ll do just that.” The exchange almost had a romantic cast to it—serving as the team’s two front-line fighters seemed to have brought Issei and Kaname closer very quickly.

Sousuke immediately interrupted their exchange. “I took a hit from an enemy projectile as well—”

“Who cares. Suck it up,” Issei barked.

Sousuke was too shocked to respond.

“Chidori, let’s go!” Issei called, ignoring him.

The next battle began. A horde of hellhounds appeared and attacked Kaname and Issei on the front lines. These were fast-moving enemies—one was about to jump on Kaname when Sousuke shot an arrow into it from the side. But he ignored Issei, who was struggling hard. Without Shinji’s help, Issei would’ve been caught in a chain attack and died.

“Hey, Sagara! What’s with the lack of support?!” a beat-up Issei demanded when the battle was over.

“What? I gave my support,” Sousuke said. “Chidori is unharmed.”

“And I’m all beat up!”

“Who cares? Suck it up.”

“You...!”

Issei attacked! Sousuke dodged. Sousuke attacked! Issei blocked.

“Oh, come on. Not this again! Just cut it out, you two!” said Kaname, interposing herself with a light swing of her sword. The tip accidentally caught Issei in the process, and...

Ker-pash! What should have been a light hit came with an impressive sound effect and animation. Kaname was wielding a powerful weapon that Shinji had lent her, after all. And as Issei was already beaten up from battle, almost out of HP...

Kaname’s strike proved to be the finishing blow, and Issei collapsed.

“Ah... sorry,” said Kaname. “Are you okay?”

Issei didn’t respond.

“Issei-kun?” She took him in her arms and shook him, but Issei remained silent. She turned back to the others and said, plainly, “He’s dead.”

Meanwhile...

Within a fortress In the deepest depths of the Twilight Forest, Mizu, the bunny-girl summoner, was down on one knee with her head bowed, showing reverence to the master to whom she’d sworn loyalty. Lines of knights clad in blood-red armor stood in the grand audience chamber, their spears pointed at the ceiling and glowing with a dull light.

“I beg your forgiveness, Yoko-sama,” said Mizu. “A pair of unexpected obstacles interfered in my efforts to rid us of that meddling sorcerer, Zama the Gale.”

Yoko, sitting on a marble throne, frowned at Mizu’s report. “Obstacles?” she questioned. “Who?”

“Ma’am... a monk named Baki and a ranger named Seagal. And there was a girl with a bizarre name to whom the sorcerer was giving his aid.”

“Oho...” The dark witch flashed a dazzling smile. “Interesting. There are others who would dare to defy the great Yoko, eh? I’ll have to teach them how foolish such insubordination truly is...”

“Indeed,” Mizu said solemnly.

“So, what, are these more of your school friends?” asked Yoko.

“Yeah. I think so.”

Having grown tired of their theatrical conversation style, they both went back to standard speech.

“Don’t they have anything better to do?” Yoko asked pointedly. “Shouldn’t students be studying? They’ll never become mature adults without a proper work ethic.”

“Er, aren’t you a civil servant, Yoko-san?” Mizu wanted to know. “How do you even find time to play during the day?”

“I turn off the sound effects and play on my computer at work. Free internet access. Wah ha ha!”

“That seems way worse than anything we’re doing...” Mizu mumbled under her breath. “Er, so what do we do about Zama?”

“Let him do what he wants. He’s the only one who stands a chance at beating me now, so he’ll be coming here sooner or later... especially since I have his true love sealed away in my soul prison in the basement,” said Yoko, referring to the beautiful cleric, Cia.

Having grown weary of simply PKing and looting other players, Yoko had lately been resorting to capturing intermediate-level PCs and locking them away in her fortress’s dungeon. The PCs couldn’t move while being held there—they still had all their equipment and money, but couldn’t leave unless someone let them out.

Most players really hated this system. Once you were caught, even if you logged into the game, you’d be stuck in a tiny cell with no means of escape. There was basically no point in playing at that point, and there were no small number of players who quit when it happened. Many of them sent emails to the developer complaining about this, but the company just responded with a template letter that amounted to, “Interpersonal issues should be worked out between players.”

That said, it did take tons of work and money to create and maintain a soul prison, which meant that Yoko’s faction had to channel a great deal of funds into it. Still, forming a PK group willing to rob and cheat others made it possible to do so. Upon capturing a PC, the allies of that PC would come to save them—what kind of person wouldn’t try to save a comrade in need?—but Yoko had stocked her fortress with forces and traps capable of destroying even high-level PCs. So she’d capture a PC, then wipe out their inevitable rescuers, and steal all their equipment and money.

“That lure-and-trap plan is pretty effective,” Mizu commented.

“Heh heh heh,” laughed Yoko, “you bet it is!” This cruel yet effective strategy had allowed her to dominate the player killer rankings. Many players found her behavior extremely frustrating and vented about it to no avail on anonymous message boards.

Still, evil had its own allure, and the more cynical side of the player base had come to join Yoko’s side in droves. She even held offline parties for her minions—even IRL, Yoko was a beautiful, buxom, and available woman who enjoyed drinking and karaoke. A member of her hater faction had once infiltrated one of these parties as a spy, taken a picture of her, and uploaded it to smear her. Unfortunately, the act had backfired. Part of it was her attractiveness, but her response to the picture being posted had been breezy indifference, which just made her more popular. Even more high-level PCs began joining her ranks, until Yoko had amassed enough military might to destroy the entire kingdom.

Mizuki’s choice to join Yoko’s forces, then, had been a brilliantly opportunistic move. She had immediately distinguished herself and was given expensive equipment and items, leveled up in a flash, and climbed the ranks to executive level in Yoko’s dark kingdom.

“But there’s something I’m even more concerned about,” Yoko said, swishing around a glass filled with high-level healing potion. “Very soon, the kingdom’s knightly order will attack in force. They’re even recruiting volunteers on the official forum.”

“Looks like,” Mizu agreed. “There could be a lot of them... What should we do?”

“Heh heh... Fortunately, I just gained a very promising tactician. Diono!” Yoko called out. “Is Diono here?!”

“Yes, right here!” A handsome swordsman in blood-red armor stepped out from behind one of the towering stone pillars in the center of the open space.

Like Mizuki, Diono had only recently joined Yoko’s army. His true appearance was unknown and his level was still low, but his loyalty to Yoko was on par with even her long-time executives, and he served her so fiercely it made one worry about the status of his real life. If she ever told him to kill himself, he’d likely do so without hesitation. His service to the dark queen was unquestioned.

“My mistress,” he greeted her. “The drilling and reorganization of our forces are proceeding apace. We’ll soon have a strategy for how best to counter the kingdom’s inevitable attack as well.”

“What’s going on with the planning?” she asked him.

“I put together three proposals and sent them to you in an email, milady. See the attached Excel files.”

“Ah, well done.”

“You honor me, milady,” Diono said humbly. “And if we win this battle, please give me what you promised.”

“Heh heh heh... to let you rest your head on my lap at the next offline party? I won’t forget.”

“Ma’am. You honor me!” The tactician scraped and bowed.

Yoko stood up from her throne and threw back her cape with a flourish.

“At last, it’s time for the final battle!” the dark queen proclaimed. She’d switched to shout mode, so she could be heard by all those around her. “First, we must slay every one of the royal knights who comes to attack this fortress! Then we’ll send our spare forces to ride on the castle town of Pinckney! Destruction and pillage! Turn the city into a ruin, reigned over by despair!”

The forces of darkness dwelling in her fortress let out a howl, pounding their weapons and shields to make noise. Yoko herself let out an evil cackle. In a movie or anime, this is when a thunderbolt would ring out and a full orchestra piece would play over a scene transition, but here...

“Hey, hey. Can we turn Pinckney to a ruin?” Mizuki asked plainly.

“No. The city’s a peace zone,” the black-clad witch responded sadly.

Meanwhile, back at Zama’s party...

The game imposed serious penalties for dying, but it wasn’t impossible to bring someone back—it just cost more money than your typical player could afford. The cost of resurrecting Issei after returning to Pinckney from the wasteland was exorbitant, but Shinji paid it. However...

The moment he was resurrected at the church, Issei immediately resumed fighting with Sousuke. Sacred statues toppled. Priests were running about willy-nilly. It was only a matter of time before the NPC guard would come running.

“I’m saying it’s all your fault!” yelled Issei.

“You erred first by not healing yourself,” Sousuke replied.

To avoid catastrophe, Shinji cast a paralysis spell on the feuding duo with a sigh. They’d never get anywhere if he let them go on like this.

“Sorry for all the trouble... Ha ha ha...” Kaname said to the priests as she and Shinji left the church behind, dragging the paralyzed pair. “Um... Sorry, Kazama-kun...”

“It’s fine. I should’ve been more careful,” Shinji said with a wince. “But what do we do? Resurrecting Tsubaki-kun took most of our money. I was hoping to buy everyone enhanced weapons and armor...”

“We’ll have to earn more. I’ll contribute what I can.”

“But to work up the money we need will probably take about a month,” he said regretfully.

“What?!”

“Games like this are way more stingy with money than normal RPGs.”

“R-Really?”

“The max level is 99, so everything past that comes down to purchasing power,” Shinji explained. “If we had 500,000 gamel apiece, I could buy us equipment strong enough to face Yoko... but I only have 10,000 on hand right now. I don’t know what to do.”

Just then, they noticed a large crowd forming on a street corner. It seemed a player had opened a new shop and was holding a sale.

The salesgirl called out, “Come one, come all! The pharmacy you’ve heard of even in the capital, Masumoto Hiyoshi, has opened a branch in your town! Tons of wares at low, low prices! A Masumoto Hiyoshi in your very own town! Everything is on sale for the grand opening! Act now and get a dozen healing potions for only 80 gamel!” That price must have been cheap, because people were coming from all around to buy.

Kaname and Shinji peeked into the shop out of curiosity and saw a bespectacled elf in an almost nurse-like costume doing the selling. Her character name was KYO. She said, “Ah, Kazama-kun! Hey!! >w<”

“Tokiwa-san. You’re still playing? ^^;” Shinji asked.

A few customers around them said, “Zama’s real name is Kazama, eh? Noted, noted...” but Shinji just ignored them.

“Yeah. I found a good job,” said Kyo. “By the way, who’s that weirdo? You didn’t get a new girlfriend, did you?”

Kaname gazed in disbelief at “Kyo,” who was clearly her friend Kyoko. “Kyoko,” she said, “it’s me.”

“Huh? Is that you, Kana-chan? So you did start to play! @@”

“Yeah. I figured, why not?”

“O-Ren-san! Kana-chan’s here!” she called to a girl inside the shop.

The girl’s costume was clearly from the eastern side of the continent, and her long black hair was adorned with delicate ornaments. The name over her head was REN, exactly the same as her IRL name. She was dealing courteously with the customers who had formed a long line at the register when she looked over at them, along with the customers.

“Kaname-san? Oh... and Kazama-san is with you. Who are those two frozen people behind you?” Mikihara Ren asked curiously as she looked at the still-paralyzed Sousuke and Issei.

“Oh, them? You can just ignore them,” Kaname told her.

“Oh, I see,” Ren said, and did just that.

“Now... Kyoko and O-Ren-san, why are you salesgirls?”

“Oh. I know that Kazama-san invited us to play, but... neither Tokiwa-san nor I seem cut out for fighting,” Ren explained, “We were wandering around when we ran out of money and had trouble finding food and lodging.”

“Uh-huh...”

Ren began crying waterfalls. “In the end, in desperation, I was forced to the brink of selling my body just to obtain a crumb of bread. Mock me as a fallen woman, if you like...”

“Um... I don’t think you can do that in a game like this?” questioned Kaname.

“You can,” Shinji whispered to her.

“Huh?”

“Oh, never mind.”

“No way,” said Kaname, “this game goes that far?!”

“No, no, no! But you can mess with appearance data and use the chat to do... you know, stuff,” Shinji whispered in embarrassment.

“Do you do that too, Kazama-kun?!”

“Of course not!” he responded, excessively indignant.

“...Well, okay,” Kaname said, turning back to Ren. “So you guys ended up getting jobs here?”

“Yes. I eventually thought to throw myself in the river, unable to stand my poverty... but the master here rescued me.”

“I was subsisting on mushrooms I found outside of town, lol,” said Kyoko, “and then O-Ren-san invited me along.”

“I’m impressed by your dedication to roleplaying yourselves as starving peasants...” Kaname said in disbelief.

Kyoko then showed off her pristine nurse outfit. “But hey, look at the great uniform I got now! This is the sixth pharmacy branch we’ve opened. We’ve made a ton of money here in just a week! ^^”

“Oh? The owner must be a shrewd businessman.”

“I’m honored by the compliment,” said the approaching alchemist, who was tall and pale, with a calm air about him. He wore a robe with a high collar, had gray hair tied in an old-fashioned samurai’s knot, and wore intellectual glasses. The name over his head was ATSUNOV. Though he appeared quite decked out, he was only level 5.

“Oh, sir! Great timing!” Kyoko said enthusiastically. “We just sold out of our attack speed enhancer potions on the floor!”

“Master,” said Ren. “We just exceeded our daily sales quota.”

“I see,” said ATSUNOV. “Keep it up, Tokiwa-kun, Mikihara-kun.”

“Right! Oh... and that weird girl there is Kana-chan. Anyway, I’m going to set out whatever we’ve got in storage. See you later, Kana-chan! ^^” said Kyoko, returning to her sales promotion work.

“Um, are you Hayashimizu-senpai?” Kaname asked.

“Of course, it is I,” the alchemist said, nudging his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Kazama-kun,” she said next, “you even invited Senpai?”

“Yeah. I invited everyone in the student council, actually. But they all gave up on fighting Yoko and went off to do their own thing...” Shinji said regretfully.

“I’m sorry to be so neglectful of you, Kazama-kun,” said Hayashimizu. “We’re still playing in our own ways, though. The rest of the student council members are running our second branch store.”

“Ahh...”

“Did you start this chain of stores, Hayashimizu-senpai?” Kaname asked.

“Yes. I employed a variety of known trade, pricing, and marketing strategies. Even in a virtual world, it all works,” he added. “It’s been very educational.”

It was apparent that, since joining the game, Hayashimizu hadn’t done much in the way of leveling up or fighting. Instead, he’d opted to just wander around to different towns, comparing the prices of various goods he found there, listening to stories from merchants, and investigating market trends, popular items, and how to get them. After learning the ins and outs, Hayashimizu had borrowed 10,000 gamel from Shinji and turned it into over a million in just three days.

“Incredible business acumen...” Kaname marveled.

“It’s not nearly as difficult as doing it in the real world,” Hayashimizu said offhandedly. “This, for instance... This amulet is a single-use item for sleep resistance. Until a few weeks ago, nobody cared about them. There were a lot of monsters with sleeping attacks in the Ruins of Eternal Night to the west. Sleep was a troublesome attack to deal with, so the Ruins weren’t a popular hunting ground. But when the witch took over the much more popular Twilight Forest, most adventurers moved their activities to the Ruins, which increased demand for sleep-related items. I was able to buy them up in massive numbers in the east where they were cheap, then sell them here. Game updates can also change the dynamics at play. If you keep abreast of that information, you can make quite a profit in those sorts of small exchanges.”

“Ahh,” said Kaname.

“Marketing is important as well. I took great pains to choose a brand name that would be positively received and let customers feel safe buying here.”

“Image tactics... you mean that shop name, Masumoto Hiyoshi, helps your sales?” Frankly, it sounded like a rip-off to her.

“Of course. In a virtual world, those sorts of familiar, cliché names paradoxically have more impact. If you can just make customers unconsciously think, ‘Hah, look at that,’ you’ve won,” he told her.

“Is that how it works?”

“Yes, that’s how it works.” Hayashimizu nodded, then checked something above Kaname’s head that she couldn’t see. “I must say, I’m very curious about that name of yours.”

“Huh? How’s Waiz a weird name?” She couldn’t see the name over her own character’s head, so Kaname still hadn’t worked out the misunderstanding. The others had also actively avoided the subject.

“Never mind,” he said politely, before turning to Shinji. “Kazama-kun?”

“Eh?”

“This is good timing. Come with me. There’s someone I want you to meet,” said Hayashimizu, walking farther into the shop. Kaname and Shinji followed him, leaving the paralyzed Sousuke and Issei behind. “I’m doing more than just sales here. I’ve also been coordinating various factors in hopes of aiding your cause.” They passed through the door, climbed up a narrow stairway, and entered an office.

An armored man—his white plate mail bore the crest of the Holy Royal Knights—was seated in a chair there. The name over his head read GOTO.

“Who’s this?” Shinji asked.

“Sir Goto, leader of the Holy Royal Knights,” Hayashimizu said by way of simple introduction.

The knight stood up and gave a courteous bow to Shinji and Kaname. “We’ve never met before, but my name is Goto Shouji! Your reputation precedes you, Lord Zama. It is truly an honor to meet you!”

“A pleasure. So, what did you want with me?” Shinji asked suspiciously.

“I’m sure you’re aware of the witch, Lord Zama. We can no longer abide her treachery!” Sir Goto declared earnestly. “Last week we Knights resolved to form a raiding party to take her down. Our elite and brave forces number 138 in total! With this venerable band, we will attack and destroy Yoko’s fortress!”

“Oh,” said Shinji, “you were recruiting on the official forums, right?”

“Well, yes, that’s right,” Sir Goto agreed, slumping over a little bit.

“But Sir Goto’s forces will only be strong enough to hold down Yoko’s subordinates,” said Hayashimizu. “In terms of military might, the Knights and the enemy are more or less equal. But the enemy fortress has additional defenses as well—losses are expected to be quite severe. And only high-level and skilled PCs could make it deep inside the fortress... where they will eventually run into the witch, who has powerful items equipped.”

Shinji said nothing.

“We need someone who can fight on even terms with Yoko,” Sir Goto declared. “She’s defeated so many high-level characters in the past... which means the only one who can defeat her, Kazama-kun, is you.”

“So, you want us to take part in your raid?”

“Please, Lord Zama,” said Sir Goto.

Hayashimizu, too, jangled a bag filled with gold coins and smiled. “I’m covering expenses,” he added. “I can provide all the equipment you need.”

“I don’t understand,” Shinji interjected. “I get it with Sir Goto, there. But Senpai, you don’t have any reason to support the fight, do you? After you abandoned me to focus on your business like this...”

“It’s true, I did,” Hayashimizu said with a nod. “But I’ve expanded my business to things besides pharmaceuticals. Weapons, armor, provisions... and the Knights are loyal customers.”

“Hmm...”

“And Yoko’s power has become too great. She’ll go after my trade networks sooner or later, and I simply can’t have that,” he added flippantly. He’d only been playing for about a week, but Hayashimizu already conducted himself like a years-long veteran.

Is Hayashimizu-senpai actually the student from our school most invested in the game? Kaname wondered to herself, though she didn’t type it into the chat.

“Well, one way or another... You can trust that I will offer support for good-faith reasons,” offered Hayashimizu. “It’s not a bad deal for you, is it?”

Shinji thought a while, silently. “All right,” he said at last. “But I’m bringing Chidori-san and the others too. I want to upgrade their equipment to the best available. And we’ll need lots of potions.”

“Yes, I’ll prepare it all.”

While Hayashimizu and Shinji were having their serious discussion, out in front of the pharmacy...

“Hey, O-Ren-san,” said Kyoko, “I think the two frozen guys are hurting our business.”

“Yes, their expressions are so fearsome and their postures so unnatural...”

“Let’s throw them out.”

“Agreed.”

Kyoko and Ren worked hurriedly to move the paralyzed Issei and Sousuke (our protagonist, if you’ll recall) to the garbage dumping area behind the pharmacy.

●

The Yoko raiding party that gathered in the Twilight Forest turned out to number not 138, but close to 200. In a real war, you’d have a hundred times that many throwing themselves at each other, but obviously the server couldn’t handle that. In fact, even a force this large was unusual for the game.

Standing before the horde of veteran players—Knights and volunteers fortified in all kinds of equipment—the Captain of the Guard, Sir Goto, spoke first. “Good evening, everyone! ^^”

“Good evening! ^o^ノ” the hot-blooded army responded with a roar.

Sir Goto nodded in satisfaction and began to deliver his briefing to the assembled heroes with gusto. “I’m the Captain of the Holy Knights—or rather, their coordinator, Goto. According to our scouting party’s report, there are no ambushes set up in the forest. Our force ended up being larger than theirs lol, so they probably want to avoid losses by hunkering down in their fortress... Although if you don’t have anything more urgent to do, I do hope you’ll guard the siege weapons. Once we make it to the enemy fortress, we’ll attack the way Atsunov-san outlined. Oh, and Atsunov-san paid for the various expenditures for the battle. So, Atsunov-san, if you’d say a few words as well, lol.”

Thunderous applause rang out.

Hayashimizu stepped forward. “Hello, there. I’m the sponsor of this expedition. Carrying everything from healing herbs to potions—friend to adventurers, Masumoto Hiyoshi. Open 24/7—Masumoto Hiyoshi. The all-purpose pharmacy, Masumoto Hiyoshi. Please stop by. Our newly-opened sixth branch in Pinckney is having a grand opening sale right now. Make sure you stop by on the way back from the battle.”

“Yeah!” The men thrust up their fists in response to a speech so stirring it would linger in the kingdom’s history.

“All right, thanks, all! Now let’s give Yoko-san a good ass-beating! lol” Sir Goto proclaimed.

“Yeeeah lol!”

Sir Goto held up his shining sacred sword, the Mithril Sword—the ultimate weapon feared by dark-attribute monsters—and proclaimed, “All forces, move ouuuuuut! lol”

Drums began to pound as the soldiers split up into the dark forest, their nervousness plain to see.

“Chaaaaarge lol!”

“Off to die > <ノ”

“wahhh lolol OK rofl”

“I’mmm fulll of powerrr!”

“tomahawk+3 on sale 300k chat only plz.”

Their brave and valiant voices echoed all around—and so the strongest army in the kingdom’s history launched their campaign!

“They don’t seem very nervous to me! What the hell?”

“It feels more like a school trip than a battle.”

“Like they’re here to pick mushrooms...”

Kaname, Sousuke, and Issei all complained as they came along with the army.

“Well, that’s just kind of how it goes,” Shinji said without apology. “Anyway, have you all checked your equipment? It’s way better than anything you’ve had so far, so don’t forget to equip it.”

The responses came.

“Sure.”

“Indeed.”

“Done.”

Kaname and the others were far more powerful now than they’d been when they’d first fought Mizuki. During the preparation period, they’d done lots of leveling with Kazama, and he’d taught them everything they needed to know about their skills as well. Obviously, levels were important in Dragon Online, but the system was designed so that player skill made a huge difference to one’s success. It was important for a player to understand not just how battle and skills worked, but how to hone their reflexes, their kinetic vision, and their ability to make snap judgments on the fly.

Being athletes in their spare time, Kaname, Sousuke, and Issei all had natural talent in that regard, even though they weren’t particularly accustomed to video games. They were able to understand, execute, and combine the game’s actions much better than your average player. This was why Shinji was so willing to spend time with them, even if their levels were on the low side.

Hayashimizu’s suggestions had also been a huge help. Thanks to the stat-boosting potions and top-class armor he’d given Kaname, she’d grown strong enough to fight enemies of a far higher level than her own.

Issei, similarly, had equipped the rare item “SPT Knuckle Shot,” powerful enough to crush a tough Mithril Golem in one strike.

Sousuke had been given countless scrolls to increase his skill level. That had let him unlock the archery skill usually only accessible to high-level rangers: “God Bowgun Quiver Shot.” They’d also given him the ultimate longbow, “Hellfire RF”... yet Sousuke was instead using a sturdy crossbow a tier lower in power.

“How come?” Kaname and Shinji had asked him at the time.

In response, Sousuke had opened up his equipment window and showed them. “Look at the weapon’s name.” The weapon’s name read ARBALEST—a kind of large crossbow from medieval Europe. “This one’s a good omen,” he told them.

“I feel you. Ha ha ha.” Only Kaname understood the reason, and laughed merrily.

The scouting team’s reports had been correct; there were no ambushes waiting on the way to Yoko’s fortress. And so, their force of two hundred arrived at the gate.

The scenery was gloomy. A grim song played. A cold wind blew through the battlefield.

“Ahem! I am the Captain of the Royal Knights of the Holy Kingdom of Laboon, Baron Goto Shouji!” said Sir Goto, who began by introducing himself. Then he addressed the enemy: “Black Witch Yoko, we have your castle surrounded! Atone for your crimes and surrender, and you may be spared! If you refuse, we will crush you in the name of justice! What is your response?!”

A human form came into view on the rampart. It was the Black Witch Yoko. “Hmph,” she sneered. “Take this!”

A streak of light flashed, and then an electric arrow came shooting out from within the fortress to pierce Sir Goto through the heart. A critical hit! Sir Goto fell back and lay twitching on the ground.

“Sir Goto?!”

“Oh, sorry. Someone else should take command,” he managed to choke out. “Erk... lol.” And so, Sir Goto died a hero’s death.

The vice captain gritted his teeth and shed waterfalls of tears as he glared up at the rampart. “How dare you!” he cried out.

“Ho ho ho!” chortled Yoko. “How weak you are!”

“I’ll teach you a lesson, you vulgar witch! Start the battle!” the vice captain bellowed. “Catapults, fire! Fire! Fire!”

The siege division began hurling flaming rocks and giant arrows at the fortress. Suddenly the ramparts were spotted with flame, which burned higher as soldiers plunged from the castle walls.

“Charge! Charge!”

A cavalry call began to play on a bugle. Following this effective and thorough barrage of fire from the Knights, a squadron of hastily-made, low-level characters charged the castle gate with explosives strapped to them. The suicide squad fell to the rain of arrows one after another, but these low-level characters felt no fear; they always knew they could make a new character.

One brave soul shouted, “Yeah! Got me 10,000 gamel!” as he charged the castle gate and exploded. A second wave came, then a third. The castle walls shook and black smoke rose.

“Yes! Heavy infantry, to the front!” the vice commander yelled. “Archers, focus on support! Just move forward! Forward! Don’t be afraid! If we fail now, there’s always next week!”

The battle was wreathed in flames, like a scene out of hell.

Mixed in with the volunteer soldiers, Kaname spoke, her small shield held desperately above her head to shield from falling arrows, “Hoo boy, I hope Go****-sensei doesn’t read this battle scene...”

“What are you talking about now? Anyway, look alive! We’re almost through the gate!” Sousuke shouted back, while shooting an enemy soldier on the wall with his crossbow. The next instant, the gate broke in with a crash, and the royal army’s men flooded into the fortress. Issei flew in ahead of the group, laying out the troll warriors that stood in his way. Shinji turned his staff to a surge of incoming orcs and cast a few spells, causing rushing arrows of ice to riddle the orcs with holes.

“Take that!” he bellowed.

“Gwaaaah!”

The moment Kaname entered the castle, she was crossing swords with a knight all in black. She took him out immediately with peerless swordsmanship. “Yes! Who’s next?! Try me! Take that, and that... erk!” Just then, at the utmost edge of her peripheral vision to the right, an explosion of flame roared out.

Kaname just barely managed to dodge it. She looked in the direction it had come from and saw a familiar bunny-eared summoner standing on the stone stairway, about two stories up.

“Ugh! Dodging my killing blow... you’ve grown stronger, bathroom tissue!”

“Mizuki?!”

“Don’t talk like you know me!” said Mizuki as she summoned another fire wyrm, which fired a ball of flame at Kaname.

She dodged this one, too... but not entirely, and the resulting blast of hot wind knocked Kaname back into a wall. “Hrk...” she choked.

“All right, bathroom tissue! You’re really ticking me off!” Mizuki declared. “I’ll take your head and present it to Yoko-sama!”

“Sto—” Kaname tried to say, but was cut off as another fireball from Mizuki came streaking at her. Kaname managed to dodge that and leaped into the air, whereupon she landed on a catapult platform and pleaded with her further, “Stop this, Mizuki! I don’t want to kill a friend!”

“Hah, stop talking nonsense!” Mizuki scoffed. “I have no idea who you are! Shut your mouth right now or I’ll bury you with my ultimate summon!”

“Mizuki!”

“Hahhhh!” A dragon appeared behind Mizuki.

There’s no way I’ll survive an attack from that. I’ve got no choice, then... Kaname swiftly leaped and raised her rapier. “Ngh... Mizukiii!” she howled.

“Diiiie!” Mizuki screamed back.

There was a flash as red flame burst out, enveloping the two as they crossed ways. A violent shockwave burst out next, which sent nearby orcs flying backwards, and in turn caused the walls of the inner castle to collapse.

The thick black smoke gradually cleared. Two forms stood there, unmoving... but one held its posture while the other eventually fell. Kaname was the one left standing.

“Hrk... You got me,” Mizuki choked out.

“Mizuki!” Kaname scooped up her shallowly breathing friend.

Mizuki lay on her side, stained in blood, gazing up at the sky. “I’m... going to die, aren’t I?”

“No! Don’t talk like that!”

“A shame that I died... to such a strange woman...”

“Wake up, Mizuki! Noooo!”

Here, Mizuki returned to normal, and looked up at Kaname, who held her in her arms. “Boy... you really don’t have any boundaries, do you? You keep calling me by my first name... who are you?”

“It’s me, like I said.”

“Eh... Wait, are you Kaname?” Mizuki asked incredulously.

“Yeah.”

“Oh, hell! So I was fighting a dear friend this whole time? Sorry, Kaname. I... I was just a puppet, manipulated by Yoko...”

“You didn’t look very manipulated to me...” Kaname grumbled.

“But why the heck did you choose that weird name, Kaname? Ah...? Urk...” In that moment, before she could clarify, Mizuki expired.

“M-Mizuki? Mizuki?!” Kaname shouted. Whether it was predestined that she kill a friend, or simply a twist of fate, a sense of gravity welled up within her, and the BGM volume with its heavy drum beat sounded louder in her ears. “You’ll pay,” she shouted. “You’ll pay, Demon Queen Yoko!”

Pulling Mizuki’s dead body to her chest, Kaname pressed the ‘shed tears of blood’ command. Then, using the ‘loot enemy corpse’ command, she took 100,000 gamel from Mizuki’s dead body. She also leveled up!

“Watch me, Yoko! For the sake of my lost friend, I will defeat you! Graaaah!” Kaname used the self-buff spell ‘ATK Boost’ to make her aura flare up even brighter as she ran deeper into the fortress.

Meanwhile, back with Sousuke and Issei...

The two of them had never gotten along, but once they were working together, there were few who could match them as a fighting duo. Just moments after they broke through the gate, Sousuke and Issei stood back-to-back and polished off every one of the rampaging hordes around them. They were just absurdly tough. Wherever they went, mountains of enemy corpses followed—it wasn’t just NPC orcs and trolls. Even the black knights controlled by PCs would say, “What’s with them?! Don’t they have any blind spots?!” and run in panic.

“Hmph. Cowards,” Sousuke whispered, brandishing his crossbow.

“They’re skilled enough, but lacking in tactics,” Issei muttered, his fists at the ready.

Over days and days of squabbling, each had unconsciously become an expert on how the other moved and fought. Of course, both were thinking that they’d kill the other and make it look like an accident the first chance they got... but it was clear that, while at the center of all these fearsome enemies, it would be suicide to fight alone. Those were the circumstances under which Sousuke and Issei reluctantly worked together to beat their enemies.

It was then that a new enemy—a handsome warrior clad in red armor—appeared and said, “Heh. You’ve finally arrived.” The name above his head was D-ONO. He flipped back his bangs and said in a nihilistic tone, “Heh... My name is Diono, a warrior sworn to Yoko-sama. I give you credit for driving back my troops and making it this far. However...”

Immediately, Sousuke fired his crossbow and Issei executed a roundhouse kick. Diono the warrior was slammed into the wall and speared with an arrow, then hit and shot again and again and again and again.

“Hey... hey! Wait!”

Again and again...

“C-Cut it out! I’m—”

...And again and again... The attacks seemed endless. But at last, they trailed off.

“Who was that guy?” Issei asked.

Sousuke shrugged and said, “Who knows? Let’s go.”

Leaving the expired Diono behind, Sousuke and Issei bounded up the stairs.

Shinji headed straight for the dungeon, but upon realizing his beloved Cia wasn’t there, he knew where she had to be. “The central tower?!” he hissed to himself. I’m worried about my comrades, from whom I got separated in the fight... but Cia’s more important right now, he thought. Yoko’s probably waiting for me. She’s waiting for me, Zama the Gale, the one enemy she could never finish off no matter how many times we fought. I know because I’ve fought her—Yoko’s that kind of woman.

He ran up to the tower, pausing briefly to one-hit-kill any enemies he met along the way. At last, he ascended the stairs and came out on an open roof that resembled a heliport. Atop that roof stood his mortal enemy... Yoko.

“Heh... you’ve finally made it, Zama.” A gust of wind blew across the roof. It tousled the hair and cape of Yoko, who was using a beautiful blonde girl—the cleric Cia—as a hostage.

“Z-Zama-san?!” Cia choked out.

“Cia... I came here to save you,” he promised. “You’re safe now.”

“Heh heh heh... playing the white knight, are we?” Yoko taunted him, herself playing the cornered villain to the hilt.

Kaname came running a few seconds later. Sousuke and Issei were with her.

“Kazama-kun?!”

“Kazama!”

“Ngh...”

It was four against one. Victory was assured.

“Look, Yoko. The three of them are formidable fighters. There’s no way out of this for you,” Shinji said coaxingly. “Let go of Cia. Your hopes of raising your own kingdom are over.”

“Heh heh heh. Look at you, now. And to see the incompetent royal army become this strong... is this your doing as well?” replied Yoko.

“I couldn’t say. But that doesn’t matter anymore, does it?” Shinji asked.

Here, the black-clad witch smiled with self-reproach. “You’re right, of course. However! That’s no reason for me to wave the white flag to you!”

“What?!”

“This girl is my hostage!” Yoko announced. “I’ll do whatever it takes, Zama the Gale, to end your life here and now!”

“Hrgh!”

Yoko, using Cia as a shield, began chanting her ultimate spell.

“Z-Zama-san,” cried Cia, “run!”

“Like hell I’ll run!” Shinji screamed, and formed a mudra with his fingers. He chanted swiftly. Before Shinji’s eyes, white flames flared up.

The ultimate spell—it channeled the wielder’s own life into a fierce rush of non-elemental lightning that enveloped its target. There was a 60% chance that the wielder would die using it. But in exchange, it dealt more damage than most enemies could survive.

“I don’t care if this takes me out of play,” he snarled. “I just... I just won’t let you survive this!”

“Very interesting, Zama,” Yoko taunted. “To put an end to you... that’s the meaning of my life! It’s my world!”

“Very well, Yoko! I’ll give you everything I have!”

“This is fun, Zama! I feel it... This is the whole world!”

Zing, zing! Pop-pop! Whoosh! A swirl of graphical effects burst into being around Shinji and Yoko. It was truly intense... The two strongest characters on the server were gambling with their lives on the game’s strongest and most indiscriminate area-effect spells.

Kaname and the others unconsciously drew back.

“Does it... um... feel like we’re gonna get caught up in that?” Kaname ventured to say.

“And what about the hostage? This isn’t good. Run!”

“No... it’s too late...”

While the three of them watched, Shinji and Yoko’s eyes snapped open, and both roared,

“Zammmmmaaaa!”

“Yooookooooo!”

There was a flash as Zama and Yoko unleashed their full power upon each other. Lights streaked by. The earth boiled. The explosion enveloped the whole tower roof. It became so loud, so suddenly, that Kaname had to scramble to turn down her speakers’ volume. It was hard living in an apartment at night.

As their magical powers slammed into each other, it became clear that Yoko had the advantage. While the witch could ruthlessly bring all her energy to bear, Shinji couldn’t use his full power, as he hoped to preserve some of Cia’s HP.

Shinji, AKA Zama, hit the floor and lay motionless. Needless to say, the same happened to Kaname and the others. The damage was enough to kill them all instantly.

The only ones left were Zama and Yoko—both on the verge of death—and Cia. Thanks to a rare item that let one escape just before death, Yoko had managed to survive. Cia had also survived thanks to such an item, but she was unconscious and in critical status.

Shinji choked out, shoulders heaving. “Ah... Chidori-san... Sagara-kun... Tsubaki-kun...”

“Heh... It seems your comrades have expired. And your own MP’s down to zero. Poor thing,” said Yoko, relishing the opportunity to let her villain flag fly. “Too bad for you, but I still have enough power left to finish you. It’s checkmate.”

“Urk... hrk...”

“Prepare to die, Zama the Gale! Now, I kill you! Here, I kill you! And in doing so, my life will truly begin for the first time!” Yoko declared, and began to chant her final spell.

Shinji, in his fading consciousness, thought something like, I don’t think our grudge ran that deep, but that’s a damn cool line.

Just then...

Skrik! Kaname’s sword pierced Yoko’s chest from behind.

“What?!” The low-level warrior, still alive? Yoko wondered incredulously. How could it be?! Out loud, she said, “I-Impossible!”

And right there, Yoko had sealed her fate. She had said the line that meant death for any villain: ‘impossible!’

Kaname heaved for breath as she spoke. “I don’t quite know why... but I’m not dead,” she panted. “Most likely because of... that statue Mizuki dropped before.”

“A Swap Doll? No... Is that... the Fumofumo Tears?! Why do you have that rare item... oh, ohhh!” Yoko fumed.

Yes, the statue that Mizuki had dropped during their first encounter, the cute little statue with the moffle-y mouth, was a rare item that fully restored the HP and MP of the wielder at the moment of their death and drastically increased all their stats!

The all-powerful God that reigned over the whole world, the mighty Moffluno, had used Kaname as his avatar to slay the dark witch!

“Also... I think I know who you are, Yoko-san!” Kaname told her defiantly.

“Curse you! Curse you, bathroom tissue!”

“Just get back to work already, you lousy cop!”

“Gah... gwaaaah!” Yoko let out a death rattle as her body caught fire. In an instant, she was gone, and so the terrible evil was vanquished.

Cia, having regained consciousness, cried into Shinji’s chest. Shinji himself was all aflutter. Despite all their expectations, as far as Kaname could make out, Cia’s player did seem to really be a girl... But her identity remained a secret. She didn’t seem to be a student at Jindai High, at least.

But let the mystery remain a mystery, she decided. In a world like this, it’s all right to let some things go.

Incidentally, Sousuke and Issei were totally dead. And when they met up at school again the next day, they blamed each other and brought their fight into the real world.

As for Kaname, who’d taken out Yoko...

“I did it! I beat her! I took out Yoko! Pretty awesome, huh?!” Kaname declared in shout mode from the tower’s roof.

“What?”

“Seriously?”

“No way!”

The crowd buzzed.

Kaname stood on the edge of the wall and swung around the staff that served as a symbol of Yoko’s evil. “It’s true! Look! I totally beat her! Let’s end the battle without any more unnecessary bloodshed!”

“Ohh...” The royal army’s expressions grew visibly brighter. And in time, they began to shout. They sang the praises of the girl who was their hero and savior.

“Waaaah! She’s the one who did it?!”

“Savior of our land! Banzai!”

“Toilet Paper! Banzai!”

Kaname frowned discontentedly as the Royal Army raised their swords and kept on shouting en masse.

“The hero, Toilet Paper!”

“The beautiful Toilet Paper!”

“All glory to Toilet Paper!”

While Kaname stared in confusion, the cries for Toilet Paper echoed out again and again.

●

The hero’s name became legend. The Royal Knights gave her their highest award, the Medal of Honor, and spent massive funds to erect a giant statue of her in the Pinckney plaza. And even months and years later, the people who lived on the continent still talk about her:

About she who brought peace to their lands.

About she who shone the light to drive away the darkness in a hopeless battle.

About the courageous maiden who had valiantly and selflessly stood against the Queen of Darkness.

Her name... Toilet Paper.

Savior of the land, Toilet Paper.

Those who had been there would never forget her name—Toilet Paper!

Never, never.

▼The next day, from an unofficial fan site interview...

○Comment from Toilet Paper: “I’m telling you, I quit playing ;~; Yeah... I’m never logging in again. I wish one of you guys had just said something (TT)”

○From Zama: “Well, we all thought she knew... But we are grateful to her ^^”

○From Baki: “I was wondering. It seemed strange (sweats)”

○From Seagal: “Not an issue (>_<)b ← Successful use of emoji.”

[The End]