Chapter 1
God’s Blessing on This Meeting with a Treasure Island!
1
A raucous voice boomed throughout the Adventurers Guild:
“Mamaaaa!”
“No noble could endure abuse like this and remain silent! I’m going to teach you a lesson here and now! You’re all dead!” Darkness, her face bright red, came swinging at the adventurer who had shouted “mama.”
He dodged her easily and replied, “Mama! Why you mad? Me hungee, Mama! Gimme milkrrrghhh!”
He was so preoccupied with teasing Darkness that she was able to grab him by the collar and borderline strangle him. A vein throbbed on her forehead, but she was also thrilled to finally have her hands on the guy.
And that’s when it happened.
“Stop right there, Darkness. Beating up the guests at a party isn’t very good etiquette, you know. Look how much fun everyone is having. Try to read the room, would you?” Aqua sounded completely composed.
Darkness let go of the guy who had been teasing her, defeated. “I c-can’t believe you of all people are telling me to learn to read a room…”
Before Darkness had gotten over the shock, another adventurer, this time a woman, sauntered up, grinning. “Mama! I helped get the ingredients for that medicine, too! Where’s my boob—? Ow-ow-ow!” she cried as Darkness grabbed her bodily by the chest.
“Your boobs are right here! I’m squeezing them with my famous strength!”
“Stop it, dear, sweet Lalatina! Stop, please! You’ll tear them clean off!”
Darkness’s daughter…er, I mean niece, Sylphina, had almost succumbed to an illness recently, until we adventurers banded together to find the ingredients for the medicine she needed. The drug really worked, though: In no time, she was out and about having picnics with us and stuff, and these days, she was feeling well enough to commute every morning to school from Darkness’s family home.
Sylphina had decided she wanted to say thank you to all the adventurers. But when Darkness brought the little girl to the Guild, one adventurer had cheered upon seeing her, lifted his mug in celebration, and… Well, here we were.
“Everyone, knock off the boob talk! There’s a child present! Be more considerate to poor Megumin!”
“You’re the one who keeps broaching the subject, Aqua! And I’m not upset at all, so stop acting like I have some kind of complex about my chest size!”
The Guild had spontaneously turned into one big party, with people ordering rounds and toasting to Sylphina’s recovery. And in the middle of it all, of course, was…
“Th-thank you very much, everyone. I’m better, thanks to all of you…” Sylphina was smiling and blushing, her voice so quiet, you could hardly hear her. But those who did catch her words of gratitude cheered for the umpteenth time that day.
“All right, everyone, it’s Darkness’s treat today, so drink up! Ooh, I’m feeling so good that I’m going to show you all my best party trick yet!”
“Urgh…these days, I feel like some people come to the Adventurers Guild just to tease me. Why is that?” Darkness groaned.
The friendly mockery and the cries of “Boobs! Boobs! Boobs!” continued unabated from the drunkards.
I stepped forward, determined to protect the humiliated Darkness…! “Listen up, you guys. That’s enough!”
The Guild went completely silent.
“K-Kazuma…” I could feel Darkness looking at me hopefully, and I set out to make one thing inescapably clear.
“These boobs belong to me!”
“Die!”
Darkness might have been strangling the life out of me, but at least Sylphina gave a nice, healthy smile.
2
My name is Kazuma Satou. Life has been pretty quiet for me lately. In fact, even though I came to this world because I wanted to try adventuring in an awesome fantasy land, I haven’t actually taken on an “adventure-y” quest since I got here.
But not long ago, I completed a really, truly upstanding-good-guy quest: I helped a sick little girl. I fought many fearsome foes to save the child, and then my friends and I all lived happily ever after. Not bad for a former shut-in. This might be a good time to start thinking about retiring…
Yeah, that was it. From here on out, I’d let the real heroes handle stuff, the people who got all the powerful items and skills and whatever. Me, I wasn’t the protagonist of this fantasy world. I figured my calling in life was more to pray for peace from the sidelines.
And so…
“Very good, sir. Just put your stamp or signature right here, please. Excellent! We’ll make sure we bring you only the best ingredients! Thanks again!”
“Yeah, thanks a bunch! See you next time!”
…I resolved to live the most bourgeois, elegant, dissolute lifestyle I could manage.
“Hey, Kazuma. What’d you order?”
“Oh, curious, are ya? Heh, you might wanna take a seat for this. This is the one and only…dragon meat!”
Today was the day. I had just gotten a delivery from a merchant who dealt in the most exotic ingredients, and I was standing in the foyer, proudly displaying my prize to a curious-looking Darkness.
“Dragon meat?! What would possess you to purchase something so expensive?!”
The name wasn’t just for effect. I had in my possession a prime cut from the strongest of monsters, the dragon. This was a super-expensive ingredient that would supposedly even raise your stats when you ate it.
“Don’t insult me just because you’re strapped for cash. It’s not my fault you don’t understand economics!”
“Say what?!” Darkness exclaimed, amazed to find me pointing an accusing finger at her.
“Listen up, Darkness. A guy who makes money hand over fist like I do should do more with his wealth than sit on it. Money’s for spending! If all us rich folk just sat on our assets, the economy would come to a screeching halt. You should be grateful I bought this dragon meat.” I couldn’t be wrong about this. I had seen it on television somewhere.
“Y-you really think so? I was taught to be strong and tough, so I always figured I shouldn’t indulge too much…”
Darkness was looking a little unsure of herself. I snapped my fingers impatiently. “Well, that’s stupid. Why do you think nobles hold those fancy parties? When nobles spend as they please, the money circulates around the town’s commoners. When the commoners have money, merchants show up to take it from them. When a town has lots of merchants, life is easy, and rumors start spreading that it’s a nice place to live, which attracts even more settlers. Then the population goes up, and bam! More taxes for the rich.”
“Oh—! That makes perfect sense!” Darkness sounded downright impressed. Personally, I was just spouting something that sounded vaguely bourgeois. It seemed like the right thing to do now that I was nouveau riche and all. As for Darkness, she was actual nobility. Was it okay for her to be so gullible?
“Anyway, that’s why I live the high life,” I went on. “Plus, I’m genuinely interested in seeing if eating dragon meat improves my stats. I’ve been eating all the fancy food I can get my hands on to raise my level, but for some reason, my stats aren’t improving. If I’m ever going to be ready to fight the Demon King’s army, I need to use some of this cash I’ve got to power myself up.”
“K-Kazuma…! You’re thinking that far ahead…? If that’s your plan, then I’ll get my own family to chip in and buy you some more dragon meat!”
She was really, really gullible. Frankly, it was kind of disturbing how ready she was to assume an amateur like me knew what he was talking about.
“Well, uh, let’s not go nuts here. Not to mention, I mean, I’d get sick of dragon meat eventually. It’s not something you need to eat every day, you know? I just heard it was fancy and thought I’d try a little on a whim…”
“To think—you’re even willing to eat dragon meat, with all its reputation for being tough and pungent, just so you can get stronger. I really misjudged you. I can’t stand dragon meat, personally. I think it’s disgusting… But don’t worry. If this is about helping an adventurer get stronger, then I’m sure my father will understand…!”
Huh?
“Hey, what do you mean, dragon meat is tough and smelly? I thought anything this pricey would have to be delicious.”
“Dragons are the world’s strongest monsters, remember? They’re pretty much all muscle and no fat, and carnivore meat tends to smell bad. The reason dragon meat is so expensive is because the stat boost a person gets from eating it is supposed to be pretty significant.”
Huh?!
“Hey, uh, Megumin. Could I interest you in some expensive, fancy—?”
“Do you really think one who prides herself on being a member of the Crimson Magic Clan would need to consume dragon meat? You can keep it all to yourself, Kazuma,” Megumin said from where she lay on the carpet, giving Chomusuke a scratch on the back.
“Aqua, I know how much you love sharing fancy meals with me…”
“There wouldn’t really be any point to raising my already unbelievably high stats, so I’ll pass on the dragon meat. You’re such a puny shrimp; you’re the one who needs it anyway.” Aqua, kicking her feet where she lay on the sofa in the most unladylike manner, stabbed me right through the heart.
“Screw you! You’re gonna eat it! We can fill that empty head with dragon meat!”
“Whose head is empty, you jerk? Someone as brilliant as me doesn’t need your stupid dragon meat. Just look at this. Could someone with an empty head make this?” Aqua proudly displayed the thing she had been working on as she hummed away over there. “It’s the second series of my clay figurines: Li’l Megumin with special exploding action. I’m pretty proud of this one. I think it’s going to sell really well.”
“Just a moment, Aqua. That’s what you were up to over there?! You’re far too attentive to detail! Just look under this skirt here!”
Aqua presented us with a 12:1 scale figurine of Megumin, so realistic that it could have competed with anything made on Earth. I’d seen her out in the front yard gathering clay first thing in the morning, and now she’d really come up with something somehow: It was a figure of Megumin wearing a dress, and if you flipped up the skirt, she was even wearing panties.
“What was I supposed to do? I don’t get enough allowance,” Aqua said. “That dumb demon told me he’d buy my stuff if I brought something he thought he could sell, so I decided to start making action figures of Axel’s adventurers.”
“Then make one of yourself! Hold on a second—you can even take the panties off this thing. Oh my God…!”
………
“Um, can I have one of those, Aqua?”
“Sure, I’ll even throw in a special discount just for you.”
“I am going to wring both your necks! Aqua, hand that over to me! I know Kazuma gives you an allowance! What in the world do you do with it?”
Aqua fought valiantly to hold on to her figurine as Megumin tried to snatch it. As they struggled, Darkness asked hesitantly, “Hey, Aqua, I can’t help wondering… You said something about this being your second series of figurines, right? Which would mean there was a first one…”
“My first clay figure was the pervy-pervy noble girl Erotina. I based it on that sexy negligee you’ve been wearing so often recently, Darkness, and believe me, it wasn’t easy to make. But at least I could sell it for a pretty good price.”
Almost before Aqua could finish, Darkness was already launching herself at her.
I would have to see if I could get Aqua to make another one of those pervy-pervy noble girl figures for me later.
That was when the door out of which Darkness had recently fled received a light knock and then gently opened. I looked over, thinking maybe she’d forgotten something, when I was greeted with:
“Um, i-is Megumin here?” It was Yunyun, standing there hesitantly—practically frozen, in fact—with an armful of fresh fruit.
“Here, have a little tea.”
“Oh, thank you!”
Once Yunyun was safely seated on the sofa, Aqua prepared a hot beverage for her. Yunyun couldn’t quite seem to settle down. Maybe visiting a friend’s house would never feel natural for her. As thanks for the tea, she offered us the fruit she had brought along.
“I’m afraid it’s nothing much, but…”
“We’re touched by your gift,” Megumin said, inspecting the fruit critically. “But what is it that brings you here today?”
Yunyun took out a letter. “This arrived from our village…” She passed the letter to Megumin, and Aqua and I squeezed in on either side of her to read it. Yunyun, meanwhile, clasped in both hands the cup of tea Aqua had brought her but looked awfully worried about something. I glanced over to see that, as usual, it was just plain water in the cup. Maybe someday I would have to teach Aqua the right way to prepare tea.
Megumin seemed intent on reading the letter silently to herself, so I did us all the favor of reading it out loud. “‘O my most illustrious friends. The promised time has come. The moment for which we have honed ourselves, the time to show our sharpened fangs. Those who feel called, come ye to Crimson Magic Village within one month after receiving this letter…’”
Well, it went on like that, but to summarize, the letter said that they were going to hold a test to determine the next chief of the Crimson Magic Clan, and anyone who wanted the job should come to the village. Megumin read the letter over, clenched her fist, and snorted. “I see. The fact that you brought me this letter means that I’ve been chosen as one of the potential candidates to be the next chief, yes? Very well, let us prepare to depart, Yunyun! I shall prove that I myself am fit to be the next leader of our people!”
“What?! You know that if you want to be part of the trials, you have to know advanced magic and Teleport at the very least, right? Besides, I don’t need to ‘prepare to depart’; I can just teleport there in the blink of an eye.”
Megumin gradually unclenched her fist. “Then…why did you bring me this letter?”
“I knew I had to at least show it to you. Otherwise, you’d only give me a hard time later, right? You’re my rival, so—Ow! S-stop that, Megumin! Don’t hit me just because you aren’t qualified to be part of the trials!”
Despite the fact that she was boxing Yunyun’s shoulders, Megumin gave me a suspiciously calm look. “Kazuma, it seems this girl has discharged whatever business she had here. Shall we begin preparing dinner?”
“Oh, good idea. Hey, Yunyun, it’s getting pretty late. Have dinner with us before you go. I mean, you brought us a gift and everything.”
Yunyun’s face lit up. “C-can I really?! But eating dinner together is practically like being family and I feel a little bad about that but also it’s my fault for showing up so late in the day and I’m really sorry Kazuma I just can’t help wondering if it’s really all right to impose on a friend for a meal when I was the one who dropped in so suddenly but then again believe me it’s not because I don’t think you’re a good cook or anything and I’m actually really happy you asked me…”
“That’s enough—it is just a meal! It is nothing to get so excited over!” Megumin said, cutting off the flood of words from Yunyun as I headed for the kitchen.
3
After that, I foisted my not-very-tasty dragon meat on Yunyun, and combined with Aqua’s so-called tea, I think she finally decided it had been a mistake to visit us and fled the house in tears. Anyway, that had all happened yesterday. I was just arriving at Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe, with Aqua and Megumin in tow.
“Hey, Wiz, Vanir, you here? I wanna talk to—”
I pushed open the door of the shop as I spoke, only to be greeted with shouting.
“Why?! Why does it seem your mission in life is to never listen to a word I say?! I am the All-Seeing Demon! If you would only take my prophecies seriously and do as I tell you, you would never be in the red again! But instead, you are drawn to junk like a moth to a flame on a summer night!”
“If I only ever listened to you, Vanir, wouldn’t that basically make you the shopkeeper?! I want to work with you to make this shop thrive! We’re both immortal, so we have all the time we need, don’t we?! Besides, the things I got in stock today are most certainly not junk!”
It was Wiz and Vanir, arguing about something.
“It’s a little early for all this shouting, isn’t it? Did Wiz order something weird again?” I asked.
No sooner had Vanir seen me than he started in on the hard sell. “Ah, if it isn’t my favorite rich young man. I have something wonderful to offer you today! C-come, will you not let go of that junk?!”
Wiz, though, leaned protectively over the large box at her feet.
“Whatever it is, I don’t need it,” I said. “Looks like Darkness isn’t here yet. She said she was going to take Sylphina around town so she could say thanks to everyone who helped her.”
“One way to thank me would be to buy this worthless junk and get it off my hands. She is certainly a noble’s noble. Yesterday evening, she came and bought every single one of my Pervy-Pervy Noble Girl figurines for several times what I paid for them. Most decorous of her. But more to the point, O young man who has recently begun to get a good vibe going with his party members, I have a truly stupendous item to offer you. How about it?”
His last statement came as a whisper in my ear while Aqua and Megumin were busy checking out the box Wiz was trying to protect. Vanir slid a small bottle into my hand.
“If this turns out to be trash, I’m not buying it. Um, what is it anyway?”
“A contraceptive. Incidentally, the price is ten thousand eris apiece.”
…………
“Sold,” I said, surreptitiously passing him some cash so no one would see me.
“Thank you for your patronage! When a man drinks the potion, it will be effective for about a week. I can offer you special deals on some of my other products, like this highly effective vitality medicine or this incense that makes everyone feel a little friendlier when they smell it…”
“Done. I’ll take all of it.”
“Thank you very much indeed!!”
Megumin wandered over to me. “You look awfully red. What is it you have bought?”
“Just a few discreet little things to help my friends feel more comfortable. Because I value you all so highly, see. I wouldn’t want any of you to have to worry about any, you know, accidents.”
I kept my face as straight as possible. Megumin blushed. “First you help Sylphina, and now this… I wish you were always so considerate of your friends, Kazuma.”
“Oh yeah…” When she turned that innocent look on me, I tripped out the best response I could and tucked the little bottle away carefully. I wasn’t thinking anything unseemly. It was just on the off chance, you know?
And I hadn’t said anything particularly untrue.
That was when it happened.
The door of the shop came flying open, and something came bursting in. For a second, I thought Darkness had finally shown up, but I had never known her to make an entrance like this.
Just as I was looking over, I heard: “Vanir, sir, please help me!” The shout came from the dark form that had just flown through the door.
“Sacred High Exorcism!”
“Squuuaaaaawwwkkkk!”
The penguin-like plush thing that had come racing into the shop took a full-on burst of Aqua’s purification magic.
“Ugh, what is this plush thing?” she said. “Hey, Kazuma, this penguin has the stench of a demon! And I hate things that are cute but smell bad!”
The penguin, which I thought looked oddly familiar, collapsed on the shop floor with a floof. It was a surprisingly light sound, revealing that whatever had been inside the penguin was no longer there.
“Y-you are one ruthless… That was that guy,” I said. “Count Whoever-It-Was, the demon we went to get the nail from for Sylphina’s medicine. Looks like he just kicked the bucket, though.”
“Oh, you mean that demon Darkness was bullying? I just fired off some magic because I had a bad feeling about him, and it looks like I was right. After everything you said about him, I had it on my to-do list to go and wipe him off the face of the planet.”
“Awww, Aqua, I wanted to be the one to get revenge for Darkness…!” Megumin complained.
Vanir, ignoring our conversation, stalked over to the penguin, sighing. Then he opened the zipper on the suit’s back ever so slightly and whispered something inside. The suit suddenly filled out and expanded…
“Huh?!” When Vanir closed the zipper again, the suit jumped up.
“Sacred High—”
“Oh, stop it already—you’ll blow him away again. Look, he’s terrified of you.”
The penguin suit was trying to hide next to one of the shelves, trembling visibly.
“V-V-Vanir, sir, c-could this violent, blue-haired woman possibly be—?”
“Indeed, she is the very archenemy of ours whom your prediction foresaw. The moment you entered this shop, she blew away all your remaining lives. Since I was right here, I managed to transfer some of my remaining lives to you, but if you ever encounter her when I am not present, it will be the end of you.”
That only caused the penguin to tremble harder. Aqua made some threatening shadowboxing motions in the penguin’s direction.
“U-um, I don’t recognize you, but are you an acquaintance of Vanir’s? I’ll bring out some tea for everyone,” Wiz said, finally releasing her box.
“Oh, ahem, I have no need of food or drink, so don’t mind me,” the penguin said.
As Megumin and I enjoyed the tea Wiz so kindly provided for us, Vanir looked questioningly at the penguin. “So what brings you here today, Zeeleschilt? I must admit, I never expected a highly ranked (even if only barely so) demon such as yourself to be done in by a single blow. What happened to all the lives you had saved up?”
“Y-yes, about that… Truth be told, something terrible has happened…” Each time the penguin’s eyes met Aqua’s, she would strike an I’m gonna blast you pose, and he would flinch and look away again. “The goddess Eris has been coming to my castle almost every single day, attacking me and draining my lives away.”
I spat out my tea. I knew Eris was no fan of demons, but what did she think she was doing? Did she have that much time to kill? Or was she paying him back for tormenting her good friend Darkness right in front of her eyes? We hadn’t finished off the demon last time, when we broke into his castle—not out of the goodness of our hearts but because we had to prioritize getting Darkness first aid and bringing the medicine home.
“Hey, Kazuma, I feel a little bad for this penguin, being chased around by Eris. Not that I’m gonna go any easier on him.”
“Aw, leave him be. He may not look like much, but I guess he’s a big-shot noble in this country, and not all his policies are evil…”
Besides, yes, he had beaten up Darkness pretty good, but to be fair, he did it because we’d attacked him in an attempt to get one of his nails. It wasn’t really his fault. Then again, if he wouldn’t have turned down our nice, peaceful negotiations, we wouldn’t have been forced to show up in the middle of the night and use violence.
Hang on…
Yes, we’d been dealing with a demon, but somehow, I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were the ones who came out sounding truly evil.
Penguin Suit seemed to notice me whispering with Aqua. “You’re the boy who was with Lady Dustiness, are you not? I wish you would put in a good word for me with your friend there. I’m one of the best demons. I feed only on embarrassment, humiliation, and a sense of inferiority. What’s more, I have no idea how, but it seems you’re an acquaintance of the goddess Eris. Please, please call her off…”
“’Fraid there’s only so much I can do. I don’t know where she spends her time.”
Okay, so there was one surefire way of meeting her, but then my remaining lives would decrease. And I only had the one.
“I see… I quite like that castle, but I suppose I shall have to give it up…” The penguin sat squarely down on the floor of the shop, his shoulders slumped, the picture of dejection. I couldn’t help feeling a little bad for him.
“Tell us what you intend to do, then. I can’t recommend you take up residence in this town, you understand? It’s the territory of a mad dog who unleashes herself on all demons.”
“I’ve heard there’s a shop run by succubi in this town, and I came hoping they would hire me as both a gofer and a bodyguard. And should any customers with very particular preferences show up, I could accompany the succubi and obtain those particular negative vibes I most favor. I thought it would be an excellent place to lay low, but I see you disagree…”
“If I ever catch sight of you in this town, I’ll exorcise you on the spot,” Aqua said, pinning the penguin with a glare.
Whatever Aqua might have felt about the suit’s occupant, the suit itself seemed to interest her and Megumin, who approached the penguin from either side.
“Aqua, did you know that this thing has a zipper on the back? I want to see inside.”
“That’s a good idea—you can’t let yourself be fooled by its cute exterior. Hey, what’s with the flipper? Let us look inside, or I’ll purify you!”
“Stop that! Stop that right now!!” the penguin exclaimed, wrestling with Aqua and Megumin to keep them from undoing his zipper. Just then, there was a knock on the door. After a beat, the bell jingled, and the door opened.
“Wiz, Vanir, I’m coming in. I assume Kazuma’s told you by now, but I’m taking Sylphina around today to say…thank you… Huh?”
It was Darkness. Beside her, Sylphina hugged Darkness’s knees.
“Well, well, who should it be but Lady Dustiness, the one who recently invaded my castle and assaulted me rather extensively. Heh-heh-heh, I never imagined I would run into you again in a place like this…” Smiling incongruously, the penguin suit turned and began to shamble toward the startled Darkness when:
“Pbbbt.”
“Gyaaahhhhghhhh!”
The moment Suit turned his back, Aqua unzipped the zipper just a little and blew into it. I guess even a goddess’s breath could damage a demon, because the suit gave a terrible scream and tumbled away.
“C-Count Zeeleschilt, what are you doing here?” Darkness asked, completely confused, but when Sylphina saw the tossing, shouting penguin suit, her eyes lit up.
“Listen, buddy, why don’t you just cut your losses and go home?” I said. “No one here’ll judge you for it.” I was starting to feel really bad for him.
“That’s easy to say, young man, but for your information, after having to leave my castle in the middle of the night like a fugitive, I am bereft of both money and any place to call home…” He sounded like he might cry. Was this really the same guy who had been practically a last boss back in the castle?
At that moment, I felt a tugging on my sleeve. “Young man, is that girl with Lady Dustiness the sick child of whom everyone speaks?” The penguin suit gave a surprisingly adorable cock of his head.
“Yeah, you got it. Her name is Sylphina, and she’s Darkness’s daughter.”
“Stop that, Kazuma! Enough with the daughter busine—Oh, oh, I mean, yes, she’s my daughter. You’re my daughter, Sylphina, so please don’t look at me like that…” Darkness was completely overcome by the despairing look Sylphina gave her.
Meanwhile, Penguin Suit was flapping his winglets busily. “Oh-ho, well, what matters is that you seem to be doing much better! Lady Dustiness, no need to look so alarmed. I recognize that it’s the natural way of things for a Crusader like you to attack a demon like myself. There are no hard feelings about your assaulting me.”
“I’m not sure I get it, but if you say so… But why’d you throw away your governorship, and what are you doing here?”
I explained the situation to Darkness.
“Kazuma… You said you run into Lady Eris when you die, right? Does she seem to have a lot of…free time to you?”
“Watch it, or you’ll be next on the list for divine punishment. Anyway, I don’t think it’s about having too much time on her hands. I think she’s getting revenge for you, maybe.” Even if the other half of the trust was that she hunted demons for sport.
“G-gee, you think? But why would Lady Eris grace me with such favor? Well, whatever the reason, I can see I have been a bit unfair to Count Zeeleschilt. You might be a demon, Count, but it doesn’t seem like you actually do that many terrible things…”
As Darkness tried to apologize, Sylphina was giving Penguin Suit a big hug. “Oh my,” Suit said. “Governing was fun in its own way, but I was just thinking it was about time to try my hand at something new. Though if you’re feeling softhearted, I would certainly be grateful, Lady Dustiness, were you to sponsor my residence here in Axel.”
“Listen, you, don’t get carried away just ’cause you saved one cute little girl. I guess I won’t exorcise you right here and now, ’cause the kid’s watching, and she seems to like you for some reason, but if we ever bump into each other on some deserted street corner? Bam. It’s gonna get ugly.”
Aqua was making it hard to tell which of them was the real demon. Suit cowered behind me even as Sylphina continued to hug him. Everything he’d done since he’d gotten here had been awfully cute, but speaking as someone who knew what he really was, I wasn’t exactly comfortable with him getting anywhere near me.
Just then…
“Emergency quest! Emergency quest! Will all adventurers in town please gather at the Guild immediately?!”
Huh, I hadn’t heard that announcement in a while. We all instinctively looked at one another.
“Just for the record, it wasn’t me,” I said.
“Kazuma, what are you looking at me for? I don’t know what happened, either.”
“I must say, I am unaware of anything myself. I have been completely respectful of the stipulated limits, usages, and locations for explosion magic.”
Which had to mean…
“Hey, don’t look at me! I don’t have anything to do with any fights! Even that thing with the taxes the other day, the Guild came up with the whole idea…!”
As our collective gazes settled on Darkness, the Guild woman’s announcement seemed to take on a hint of pleasure. “I repeat. All adventurers in town, please gather at the Guild immediately! ………………All adventurers, please!!”
She sucked in a big breath.
“It’s a Treasure Island!!”
At that, Vanir and Wiz went dashing out of the shop without so much as a sideways glance at me. All of a sudden, I realized Aqua was right behind them.
“Hey, can someone tell me what’s going—? Geez, they’re fast!” The three of them were already vanishing into the distance. “What the heck is with them?! Vanir and Aqua I get, but why’d even Wiz look like she was losing her mind?!”
“What are you saying, Kazuma?! It’s a Treasure Island! It’s right there in the name! Let’s not dawdle here but go as well!” Megumin, her eyes gone red, hurried out of the store, too.
“Er, I’ve got Sylphina to worry about, so I think I’ll stay here…,” Darkness said, and Penguin Suit offered to watch the shop, so I left them behind and followed the others.
On my way to the Adventurers Guild, I spotted lots of other adventurers making a beeline for the gathering point. Most of them were wearing helmets or face masks and had big sacks over their shoulders and pickaxes in their hands. Finally, I ran into Aqua and the others. They were carrying pickaxes, too. Maybe the Guild was handing them out?
“Kazuma! I made sure to borrow one for you, too! C’mon—we’re leaving. Hurry, hurry!” Aqua shoved a sack, pickax, and helmet at me while she talked. I guess there was something happening outside Axel.
“All right, I think it’s time for someone to explain to me what the heck is going on! What’s a Treasure Island? Between the name and the way all of you are acting, I’m assuming it must be a pretty solid quest.” I followed after Aqua with my armload of equipment.
Megumin explained as she jogged alongside me: “A ‘Treasure Island’ is a slang term for a Genbu! It’s a kind of big turtle, and one showed up right outside town! Genbu supposedly come to the surface once every ten years to dry out their shells. They live the rest of the time underground, so moss and mushrooms and nasty bugs grow all over them. Allegedly, they come to the surface to allow the sun to dry out everything that’s accumulated, but no one is completely sure. What we can say is that the Genbu will be drying out its shell until sundown. They tend to live near mineral veins and eat rare gems, so they build up a layer of extremely valuable minerals on their shells!”
Huh, so that was why everyone was carrying pickaxes and running. They were hoping to dig up all the gems they could while this Genbu or whatever was busy drying itself out.
“So this giant turtle thing, it doesn’t attack people when they try to mine stuff from its shell? Heck, there’s already a ton of adventurers around here. Won’t all the good stuff be taken by the time we get there?”
“Treasure Islands are pretty docile. They won’t attack you as long as you don’t do anything stupid!” Aqua said. “And believe me, there’s no danger of everything being mined out. You know why they call them Treasure Islands? Well…you’ll get it when we see it. I’ve got a bigger question: Why are you even here, you freaky demon? Genbu are divine beasts, and divine beasts are the enemies of demons!”
“I am myself no fan of doing such a foolish thing! But this wastrel shopkeeper of mine went and ordered another slew of worthless items, and we are once again in the red! I’m worried about this month’s rent…!”
“It’s fine, Vanir! We might seem to be in the red now, but if we can just cultivate the stock, there’ll be big profits in our future! S-so please, don’t look at me so coldly; you’re scaring me!”
I guess business wasn’t going any better than usual. So a demon and a Lich were heading, pickaxes in hand, to do physical labor to help get their shop out of debt. This world sure was a rough place…
4
“…………………………………Unreal.”
A small mountain sat before us. Maybe small wasn’t the best word choice. Right there outside the town gate, a living creature so big, it would have been easy to mistake it for a mountain was just…sitting. I remembered how big the Tokyo Dome had looked to me when I was a kid. This was way, way bigger.
There was a huge hole in the ground nearby, probably where the creature had surfaced. Now the massive turtle, the Treasure Island, was lounging around on the ground.
Yep, definitely a creature that warranted the title “divine beast.” Made it sound a lot more intimidating than big critter that lies around eating and sleeping all day.
The Treasure Island had its giant legs splayed out on the ground, its neck stretched luxuriously, and it was sound asleep. A bunch of adventurers were already on top of it, whacking at the rocklike shell with their pickaxes. The turtle didn’t seem very upset that people were excavating its back; it was just lying there with its eyes shut, looking tranquil. Ropes hung from its shell, and adventurers scurried up them like rock climbers.
Now I understood what Aqua had meant. There was much more for the taking than could possibly run out in just a few hours.
“Let’s get up there, Kazuma! We’ve only got until the sun sets! I’m gonna fill my bag to bursting!” Aqua grabbed one of the dangling ropes and started scaling the Treasure Island. Maybe everyone’s purses were feeling a little light after the tax debacle the other day, because I saw grinning adventurers everywhere, pickaxing away.
I was already bourgeois, so to speak, but that didn’t mean I would ignore free money right in front of my eyes. I didn’t know how much these minerals might make me, but there was no reason for me not to get in on the action. “All right, let’s give this a shot,” I said, grabbing a rope and climbing up. On the way, I spotted some familiar faces. “Oh, it’s Dust and the others. Didn’t know they were here already.”
I made sure my helmet was firmly on my head, and once I was on top of the turtle, I picked a spot and started swinging my pickax. Aqua and Wiz weren’t wearing helmets; maybe they were afraid to mess up their hair. The pickax bit into the rock, scattering stones everywhere. What was the asking price for one of these things?
“…Hey, I dunno what one of these is worth, but I have to wonder: Is it really okay for us to make money this easily? Look, it’s all adventurers around here. You’d think the townspeople would be out getting a piece of this.” When I surveyed the sea, it was all colleagues of mine as far as the eye could see. But mining like this seemed like something my boss and friends from my construction job, the one I’d had right when I first came to this world, would have been really good at.
“That’s because it’s dangerous, obviously.”
…………Huh?
That was when I heard someone yell. “Arrrgh! Bad luck! I hit some Rock Mimics!”
I looked in the direction of the shout to see an adventurer with a pickax in his hand confronting a pack of squirming octopus-like creatures.
“Yikes! What the hell are those?! Hey, this looks bad; we’d better go help—”
The creatures had bodies that blended into the rock all around. Hence Rock Mimics, I guess. But Aqua and Wiz, busy swinging their pickaxes as fast as they could, didn’t even look over at the guy.
“Forget him!” Aqua ordered. “Everyone here is some kind of adventurer or other! They’re all prepared to die at any moment! How dare you help them when they’re staring death in the face! It would be disrespectful to their professional commitment!”
“I absolutely agree!” Wiz said. “Even if you’re undone by your own lack of strength, to die on a quest is the dream of all adventurers! Besides… Besides, my debt…!!”
“I can’t believe you guys… You sound practically inhuman!” Come to think of it, I guess they were.
The guy being attacked by the Rock Mimics was screaming, “S-somebody help me, please!!”
“…He’s begging for help. You sure you can just ignore him, you self-proclaimed whatever?”
“Ahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! High-purity manatite! Flaretite, at that! I was concerned because I’d burned through my allowance, but that won’t be a problem anymore!”
I guess the self-proclaimed whatever was already done listening.
Unlike her, however, the Lich, usually considered to be one of humankind’s greatest enemies, showed that she hadn’t left her human heart that far behind.
“Urgh… I guess if we really need to make rent, I can swing it somehow by selling my body…! It’s all right! It won’t kill me—I can’t die…!!” Wiz, mumbling something truly outrageous, put down her pickax and turned toward the guy being attacked by the Rock Mimics.
“H-hold on, Wiz—you keep digging! I’ll go help him!”
Sell her body?
Sell her body? But she is a—
Wiz, though, gave me a gossamer smile. “It’s all right, Kazuma. Liches’ nails and hair are made of concentrated magic power. If I bring a few of them to the Adventurers Guild as materials, they should net me a considerable profit…”
“G-geez, stop, stop already! That’s what you meant by selling your body? The point is, we want to beat those monsters and get back to digging as fast as possible, right? C’mon, Aqua, Megumin! The four of us together should make quick work of those things!”
The annoying part was, I’d come without any weapons or equipment today. I went along swinging my pickax, while Megumin came up beside me, brandishing whatever she had gotten out of the rocks. Apparently, even the Holy Whatever couldn’t ignore me when I specifically mentioned her: “Hrmgh, right when every second counts—but I guess there’s no choice! To think, a bunch of Rock Mimics, interfering with my work! They’ll pay!” Aqua shouted, then flung herself at the creatures, her pickax in her hand.
Motivated by sheer greed, she started pounding away at them. Only now, with enough money to be able to take a step back, did I understand what a terrifying visage that goddess’s smile was.
“Under most circumstances, it would make me vomit to lend a hand to the likes of you, but today and today only, I must make an exception! We will finish them off and move on to the next thing! Vanir Death Ray!”
As the goddess, delirious with combat, finished off one of the Rock Mimics, Vanir turned from where he was digging nearby and launched a black ray of light from his arms. It surrounded the group of Rock Mimics in a vile glow, then exploded, taking part of the nearby rock with it.
“Hey, you, why didn’t you do that in the first place?!”
“Oh, hush! I am not joking or putting on this day: For once, I am truly in danger when it comes to rent! Feel better now, O body-selling shopkeeper? Get back to work and help dig us out of debt!”
I was surprised to hear Vanir sounding panicked. He was usually so calm and collected; it was rare for him to act like this. The adventurer we’d helped was bowing madly to us. Ignoring my misgivings about Vanir, I got to digging.
About half a day later…
I’d gotten tired of digging early and gone down to wait by the town gate. Now Aqua and Megumin came up to me, their packs bulging. The fact was, my sack was plenty full of excellent gemstones itself.
It was getting toward sundown. The Treasure Island’s back didn’t look like one giant rock face anymore; its actual shell was showing through in places. It had a beautiful black sheen that didn’t scratch even when someone hit it with a pickax.
I guess all the adventurers had dug until they’d gotten everything they wanted. Now they were all watching the shell-drying turtle from a safe distance. The turtle seemed to take a quick glance back at us standing by the town gate, almost like it was asking if we were all satisfied now. The way it looked at us left me with just one regret. There was still a giant lump of rock sticking up on the Treasure Island’s back. If we could get it off there, the turtle’s shell would shine clean and clear, I was sure.
The feeling I was experiencing right now was like when you stop cleaning a room halfway. “…Hey, Megumin, got a second?” I leaned down and whispered in her ear.
“…What?! Y-you mean it?! Ahem, well, it is true that I haven’t used Explosion yet today, and that as far as an opponent for my daily Explosion, this one leaves nothing to be desired…”
What was I suggesting Megumin should do? Surely, I don’t have to spell it out…
“But are you certain it’s all right? Treasure Islands are quite docile, but I think if you hit one with an explosion, you may well expect it to attack, no? Not to mention, there is, if you will, an unspoken agreement that we won’t make any attempts on the life of the Treasure Island…”
I assured Megumin it would be all right. “Nah, listen, this is just my intuition, but I don’t think that thing will get mad. It might even appreciate it. Just do like I said and don’t land a direct hit, and I think it should be fine. So go for it, Megumin.”
With my encouragement, Megumin hesitantly began to prepare her magic. “I will not be held responsible for whatever happens, you understand? And you realize that even an Explosion professional like myself can have a slip of the hand, don’t you?”
I thought you were an Arch-wizard. When did you become a professional exploder?
As all the other adventurers, filled with gratitude for the Treasure Island and its unexpected bounty, respectfully and quietly watched it prepare to go back underground, Megumin’s incantation could be heard coming to its conclusion.
“Exploooosion!!”
Light lanced away from Megumin and toward the Treasure Island, bursting in the air just above its shell. That last massive piece of rock clinging to the turtle’s shell vaporized. A bunch of little gemstones, shaken loose from a few other places by the blast, came raining down. Either Megumin’s aim was just that good or the Treasure Island was just that tough, because there wasn’t so much as a crack on its shell.
Ignoring the murmuring crowd, the Treasure Island spared a glance toward Megumin, the unleasher of this magic, and me, standing beside her. Megumin shivered when it looked at us, but I just kept telling myself it would be all right and watched the turtle as impassively as I could. Even as I insisted to myself that everything would be fine, I was getting ready to run at any second if I had to.
The Treasure Island, which hadn’t budged an inch all day, rose slowly to its feet as if it was just getting up from a nap and gave another great stretch. Then it crawled back into the hole it had come out of.
They say a Treasure Island emerges from underground only once every ten years in order to dry out its shell.
And I’m sure they’re right. But there’s no reason it should show up right near a town when it does, is there? What I heard was that Treasure Islands always pop up directly next to inhabited areas. You know, almost as if they want people to go mining on their backs. Maybe a Treasure Island’s real goal is to get all that junk—I mean all those gemstones—off its back.
With its shell picked clean, the Treasure Island ambled back into its hole, never mind that the sun wasn’t quite down yet. Just before it disappeared, the turtle looked back again at Megumin and me and gave a great shake of its huge body. The vibration shook loose the very last of the gems clinging to it, sending them flying into the air.
That seemed to do it for the Treasure Island: Looking somehow satisfied, it disappeared back underground.
I guess the divine beast was leaving us a parting gift. Megumin and I looked at each other, smiling ever so slightly. Working its way slowly back underground, the Treasure Island was a sight to behold. For possibly the first time since I’d come to this world, I found myself feeling like I had seen something truly worthy of a fantasy.
“Hey, Kazuma, that stuff is to thank Megumin for her Explosion, right? So that means all these gems belong to us, right?”
“W-with these gems, my debt and the rent would be…!”
My name is Kazuma Satou. And maybe the reason I can’t seem to do any actual fantasy quests in this world has something to do with my party members.
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