Chapter 2
Divine Punishment for This Harem Protagonist!
1
“Kazuma, Kazuma! I’ve got a little favor to ask…”
It was the next morning. I’d had a late breakfast and was savoring a cup of coffee when Aqua showed up with something that looked like a shovel across her shoulders for some reason.
“What is it? If you’re angling for more allowance, I’m telling you right now that you won’t get it. I already gave you your money for the month. Plus, you should be rolling in dough from all those gemstones we got from the Treasure Island yesterday.”
“I’m not here to beg for money. The favor I’m talking about is that I want you to lend me your strength as an Adventurer.”
My strength as an Adventurer?
“First thing in the morning and this already sounds like trouble. What exactly are you facing? I’ve made up my mind: I’m going to live out my days enjoying an elegant, quiet, bourgeois lifestyle. I’m not interested in any dangerous foes. If you want to go beat up some undead somewhere or settle things with a demon, post a quest with the Guild.”
“I’m not talking about monster slaying. I’m just as eager to lead an elegant, bourgeois lifestyle as you are, you know.”
I always knew we thought alike. If Aqua hadn’t felt compelled to do something stupid at every turn, if we could just hang out together, we would probably have loads of fun.
“Just come out to the front yard, all right? I need your super-amazing power, O Most Awesome Kazuma.”
“Can’t say I get it, but if it’s not too dangerous, then fine. I’ll show you the true power I have lying dormant within me.” I flexed demonstratively as Aqua and I headed to the yard.
“Pyoing!”
“…Huh, you really never grow a bit, do you?”
Outside, Chomusuke was basking in the sun, with Emperor Zel stuck right next to her. Maybe she was nice and warm, and he didn’t want to move. I could tell Chomusuke was growing bit by bit, but for some reason, this chick never got any bigger. I’d heard that the more magic someone had, the slower they grew, and I wondered if that had something to do with it.
Even our little black fur ball, who had been so scared of Emperor Zel at first, was starting to let down her guard and warm up to him. I had my heart set on turning Zel into fried chicken when he grew up, but I would feel bad breaking up a friendship like this.
I stood there, enjoying the sight of the two innocent buddies, but Aqua tugged on my sleeve. “You see the field over there? I need you to use your strength to spread some nice, nutrient-rich soil there.”
“………You want me, with my practically hero-grade strength, to make a garden?”
Aqua pointed to where Megumin, wearing her only dress and a straw hat, was sweating away with a spade that was lying on the ground.
“Geez, even Megumin is in on it? What are you two doing, starting a vegetable garden?”
“Ah, Kazuma, so you’re finally up. Observe this fine field. Once we fill it with magically generated soil, it will surely yield excellent vegetables.” Megumin, sounding a bit like an old lady from the countryside, picked up a pinch of soil from the ground and smiled. “This house has such a nice, large yard that I have been thinking for some time that I would like to make a garden. Vegetables are expensive, you know. This will help with our household finances, plus we will be able to eat fresh vegetables whenever we wish. I shall make a delicious vegetable curry for you, Kazuma.”
“Um, that’s great and all, but…are you sure a couple of novices should be growing vegetables? Won’t they attack you like those cabbages did?” Aqua and Megumin both refused to look at me. “Hey, you can’t just go raising whatever kind of vegetables here. I’ll bet you need a permit or something! Come to think of it, where’s Darkness?! She’s our politics person. You were trying to set up this garden before she got back, weren’t you?”
“Calm down, Kazuma,” Aqua said. “It’s true you need certain, um, qualifications to raise vegetables, but there’s a special exception for high-level adventurers making home gardens. And we are high-level. So you see, I don’t think there should be any problems.”
“She is right. My own level has recently surpassed 40. I certainly believe I should be allowed a vegetable patch.”
When had their levels gotten so high…? Adventurer was supposed to be the easiest class to level up, but somehow, I was the only one in the party who hadn’t cracked level 20 yet.
“I admit I’m a little surprised that Megumin’s come so far, but anyway, that’s the story. We want you to produce some high-quality soil for us, Kazuma. I know you’ve figured out how to use Create Earth to blind opponents and make mud to annoy people and stuff, but you’ve never used it for the one thing it was meant for: creating soil, right?”
“Now that you mention it, that does ring a bell. All right, fine: Create Earth!” I used my magic to sprinkle soil in the field they had marked out in the front yard. Aqua and Megumin followed behind me, scattering seeds.
“Hey, I’m just curious, but what kind of seeds are those?” I asked, a little apprehensive.
Aqua looked at me as if she couldn’t imagine what I was worried about and said, “Mustard seed, potatoes, radishes, peppers, anchovies, and spinach. An old farmer told us those were the best things to plant this time of year.”
…………
“…Uh, I think one of those things isn’t like the others.”
“I know what you’re thinking. It’s almost winter, and some of those are summer vegetables. But listen, Kazuma—this isn’t Japan, you understand? The vegetables here are full of life, and they’ll be just fine, winter or no winter.”
Not what I meant. One of those things wasn’t even a vegetable.
“…Ahhh, how nice to have finished our planting. Now we need only water them regularly, give them the occasional massage, and by the time winter rolls around, we shall have a lovely harvest.”
“Hey, did you say ‘massage’? I thought we were raising vegetables, not livestock.”
Aqua, looking very pleased with herself, ignored this latest in my series of quips. “We stuck with beginner vegetables this year, but starting next year, we’re gonna tackle some really tough stuff!”
“That is true—next year, we’re thinking of cabbages, tomatoes, and maybe mandrakes.”
“Hold the hell up! Did you just say ‘mandrakes’?! You said ‘mandrakes,’ didn’t you?!”
Mandrakes were really dangerous plants: They emitted a screech when you pulled them out of the ground that would kill anyone who heard it.
While we were busy planting, someone had shown up at our front door. This person walked back and forth in front of the door, almost knocking, then not, reconsidering, until finally…
“Why in the world would you come all the way to someone’s front door just to turn around and go home?!”
“M-Megumin?! What are you doing over there?!”
It was Yunyun. She had just given up on the idea of knocking and had turned around to leave, so she was pretty surprised. “I was thinking how it had hardly been a few days since I sort of showed up out of the blue and forced myself on you last time, and I felt kind of bad about that, and I was thinking, maybe I should wait a few more days…”
“If you have time to kill, you are more than welcome to come every single day as far as we are concerned. Why must you be so neurotic about it every time you show up?! But anyway, I assume you have a reason you’re here?”
Yunyun (who had some sort of candy or treat in her hand, maybe as a gift) said, “E-every day? Are you sure? You really won’t get sick of me if I show up all the time? I can’t help but notice how conversation suddenly halts every time I stop by…”
“It’s not because you show up; it’s this attitude of yours! Whatever you came here for, hurry and spit it out!”
Yunyun, trembling a little in the face of Megumin’s preposterously short temper, said, “W-well, actually, it’s about the Chief’s Trials I mentioned the other day…”
And then the whole story came out.
“So let me see if I’ve got this straight. The trial to become chief of the Crimson Magic Clan demands that you bring a partner and face the challenge together.”
“That’s right. In the old days, I gather there were a lot of pairings of a Crimson Magic wizard, who could hold the back row, with a fighter-adventurer from outside the village who could handle the front. But, um… Well, you know how strong members of our clan can be. Two Crimson Magickers together don’t really have to worry about front and back row; they can just annihilate everything in their path and pass the trial.”
Ah, the Crimson Magic Clan. Ever subtle.
Even if it seemed like the obvious outcome of that plot arc was for the two wizards to finally fall in love.
Megumin, who had been listening intently to Yunyun’s story, heaved a sigh. “Let me guess. Unable to find anyone else to partner with, you have come to beg me to help. Huh, I suppose I have little choice. Very well, for this cause, I shall share with you my immense power!” She beamed proudly, looking quite pleased, but…
“Huh? No way, Megumin—you wouldn’t be any help even if you did come with me. You’d have one good shot in you, and then you’d just be in the way, right? There are three separate trials.”
Megumin froze. That was uncommonly cold from Yunyun.
“Believe me, I absolutely know where you’re coming from,” I said. “But in that case, why are you here?”
“W-well…” Yunyun looked nervous, but she clenched her fists where they rested on her knees. “I tried asking someone who might be able to handle the front row, a friend… Well, not a very good one… But anyway, this adventurer I know. But he was all, ‘Buh? Me, I just hit the jackpot on a Treasure Island, and I don’t have to work for who knows how long. Though if you could introduce me to one of those busty Crimson Magic chicks, I might not not think about it…’ It was just the worst!”
“I dunno who you’re talking about, but he sounds like real trash. I wouldn’t hang around with that sort of guy. People will think you’re just like him.”
“Not really. He’s only ever in one place, or anyway, he’s usually at this one shop…” Yunyun appeared troubled for a moment, but then she turned a look of determination on me. “Ahem! Kazuma, sir! Will you go to Crimson Magic Village and undertake the Chief’s Trials with—? Ow, ow, ow! Stop that, Megumin! What are you doing?!”
Megumin, who had been looking angrier with every word Yunyun said, was pulling fervently on Yunyun’s braids.
“What am I doing?! What are you doing, trying to take advantage of our dear Kazuma every time you show up?! Surely, there is no need for Kazuma to get involved! I myself should be more than enough to meet the challenge of the Chief’s Trials!” She grabbed her staff from where it was resting nearby as she spoke.
“Megumin, I hate to say it, but I’m really afraid you’re going to cause more problems than you solve…”
“For someone who is normally so hesitant to speak her mind, you certainly know how to spell it out on occasion!” Megumin’s eyes were burning red from agitation as she turned to me. “A high-level Crimson Magic wizard like myself is far more capable in combat than a low-level vanguard. My manatite staff and I can blow away any monster we might encounter! So you stay here, Kazuma, and I will see you when we return!”
And so Megumin, who had been on the cusp of abandoning her very identity as a wizard, flourished her staff, ready to go.
2
“All right, I will be leaving now. Try not to do anything too stupid while I’m gone, okay?”
“Listen, you, you seem to be laboring under a misimpression lately that you’re the only one with any sense around here. But believe you me, I think the biggest problem child in this whole city might not be Aqua. It might be you.”
It was the next morning. Megumin, completely ignoring her own shortcomings, turned her worried expression on Darkness. “Darkness, while I’m gone, it will be up to you to keep these two in check. Other than your insatiable lust, you seem pretty grounded. So please keep an eye on them to make sure that Aqua doesn’t do anything too ridiculous and Kazuma doesn’t get himself killed.”
“Wh-what do you mean, my ‘insatiable lust’? You’d better watch out that your notoriously short temper doesn’t lead you to pick a fight with every person in town. But yes, I’ll keep an eye on Kazuma. To make sure he doesn’t go wandering off after every pretty face who walks by, I mean.”
Hmm, for some reason it seemed like the general level of trust in me was pretty low.
“As far as women, it is you who worries me the most, Darkness… But very well. We all know from experience that the two of you choke when you try to cross that final frontier. Aqua, I’m counting on you to make sure nothing unseemly happens between these two.”
“Got it. They’re a little young for kids yet anyway. If I hear any moaning or whatever, I’ll be sure to remind them to use contraceptives.”
“You haven’t ‘got it’ at all! Just don’t leave the two of them alone together!”
I was starting to wonder what Megumin really thought of me. “Hey, I do have my integrity. Heck, I had the chance to two-time you, but I turned Darkness down flat.”
“Come to think of it, that is true. You did reject her outright. I apologize; I will have a little more faith in you, Kazuma.”
“………How about you both come out to the garden, and I’ll set you straight,” Darkness said, clearly enraged, but Megumin ignored her and waved to me.
“Very well then, I am on my way to breeze through those trials of Crimson Magic Village or whatever they are. Everyone play nice while I’m gone!”
And then, with a smile, she left…
“Okay, now that Megumin’s gone, let’s decide chore duty. She said she might be back in just a few days at the quickest, but that’s no reason to take chances,” I said. With Megumin out of the house, the rest of us would have to decide how things were going to be around here.
“I’m getting really tired of doing nothing but cleaning toilets. Let me cook or something.”
“Nah, half our ingredients would go to waste with you handling them, Aqua. Having every one of our soups turn to plain water wouldn’t be very efficient.” Hmmmm. “All right, tell you what—I’ll do the cooking. Darkness’s cooking is average at best, and we can’t let Aqua into the kitchen. Darkness, you take over cleaning the house, and, Aqua, you’re on toilet and bath duty.”
“W-wait, what do you mean, ‘average at best’? I did learn the basics of meal preparation…”
“I told you, I’m sick of doing toilets all the time! Besides, it doesn’t seem fair that you only have to cook! We have a new chore in this house: helping in the garden. You should at least do some of that!”
Suddenly, Darkness had something better to do than object to my division of the household labor. “Did you say ‘garden’? Aqua, hold on—I haven’t heard anything about this! Did you make a garden in our yard?! You know nonprofessionals aren’t allowed to do farmwork!”
“You know, Darkness, for someone who looks so smart, you sure can be dumb. It turns out there’s an exception to the no-farming rule for high-level adventurers! Just look at my Adventurer’s Card. See what I’m talking about? You should help out, too! Then we can all share the delicious vegetables!”
Aqua proudly displayed her card to Darkness, then grabbed a sickle (I assume it was some sort of farm equipment) and headed outside.
“Wait, Aqua! I have a really bad feeling about this! Please don’t try to grow vegetables at home! This can only lead to our vegetables causing trouble for everyone!”
That was something you wouldn’t really hear back in Japan. I mostly tuned out Aqua and Darkness as I grabbed the newspaper that had been shoved through the mail slot, and I sat down on the sofa to relax with it.
“Hmm…?” No sooner had I opened the paper than I noticed a disturbing headline.
DEMON KING’S ARMY ON THE MOVE. IS HIS DWINDLING NUMBER OF GENERALS MAKING HIM NERVOUS?
“Dwindling number of generals”? We definitely had something to do with that. But what was this about him being on the move? As things currently stood, I was pretty sure I was at the top of his shit list…
Me, personally, I just wanted to live my nice, quiet, bourgeois lifestyle. I understood why the Demon King and his army might be concerned about me, but I really wanted nothing more than to just leave them alone. “Gotta admit, though, trouble always seems to find me… Yeesh, it’s hard work being a hero.” I let out a sigh and noticed Chomusuke staring at me. I sort of regretted that someone had heard what I’d just said, even if it was only a cat. I blushed and tried to nonchalantly turn the page…
“…Hngh?!”
The very next page of the newspaper had my own name right on it.
Now I remembered: Back when we had been living at the castle and knocking out generals of the Demon King’s army right and left, Megumin and I had gone to the newspaper publisher to insist they do a special article on us. The power of the Crimson Magic Clan and the authority of the Dustiness house had worked in our favor, and I guess the article had just been published.
“Oh-ho! CONQUEROR OF BOUNTY HEADS AND GENERALS: THE MYSTERIES OF KAZUMA SATOU, STRONGEST MAN OF THE WEAKEST CLASS. Hey, Chomusuke, look at this. This is called a newspaper. When you get your name in this, it means you’re a really big deal. Hey, you little brat, don’t claw up my paper!” I snatched the cat away before she could shred my article, setting her on my knees and then returning to my paper.
They’d written a pretty extensive rundown of our party. They started with how I’d made my base of operations in Axel, then characterized me as a mysterious adventurer who, despite being of the weakest class, had managed to take down quite a few major bounty heads and generals of the Demon King. I possessed a wide variety of skills, the article explained, and was personally close to both the royal family and the Crimson Magic Clan. Blessed with wealth, power, intelligence, strength, and luck, I was the adventurer to watch, the article said.
“Aqua! Aqua! C’mere—you’ve gotta see…this… Huh? Wait a second…”
I thought better about calling Aqua in from her argument with Darkness in the garden when I saw what else was in the article. Much as I wanted to brag about what they’d written about me, I wasn’t the only one they had mentioned.
But Kazuma Satou is hardly the only amazing member of this party, the article went on. Consider the lovely young woman who is their Arch-wizard, capable of wielding Explosion, the most powerful offensive magic any human being can use; the gorgeous noblewoman and Crusader Lady Dustiness, of a noble line known for their durability; and the mysterious blue-haired beauty of an Arch-priest who completes their number…
It was all too clear who they meant by that.
Okay, okay, I liked the optics of the piece. They’d written some genuinely complimentary things about me.
Their Crusader handles front-row duties with her immense defensive abilities, with their Arch-wizard providing the firepower and presumably a quick means of escape with the Teleport spell. They’re backed up by that most uncommon of things, the all-capable Arch-priest… Meanwhile, the Adventurer supports them wherever and however he can. A wonderfully balanced party…
“Hrm,” I said. “Not sure I like where this is going.”
The rest of the article described Megumin, Darkness, and Aqua in loving detail but hardly mentioned my exploits. I guess that’s what always happens to idea men and generals. I mean, I understood, but it was still, I dunno, kind of disappointing somehow…
I decided I wouldn’t let anyone else see today’s paper, lest they spend the rest of their time lording it over me.
But still…
“Just please, guys, don’t come all the way out to this nowhere hamlet. If you leave me alone, I swear I won’t come looking for trouble…,” I mumbled, staring again at the headline: DEMON KING’S ARMY ON THE MOVE.
Aqua had finished working in our makeshift garden, and we had all eaten lunch.
“We’re going to hunt something!” Aqua exclaimed, suddenly very excited, a bit of sauce still clinging to the corner of her mouth. What had come over her? Don’t tell me the Treasure Island the other day had opened her eyes to the joy of adventuring or something.
“That’s fine by me—monster hunting is an adventurer’s bread and butter. But can we really do it alone? Wouldn’t it be just as well to wait until Megumin comes back?” Darkness said, sipping her tea elegantly.
“That’s just it! We’ve got Megumin. Don’t get me wrong—that’s a good thing, all right? But I was just thinking. Megumin is the one who finishes off most of the monsters, so the rest of us don’t get to level up. Ahem, granted, I’m so perfect, my stats won’t go up even if I gain more levels, but as the face of our group, I’m concerned it won’t look good if I’m not the highest-leveled member.”
“I don’t know when you became ‘the face of our group,’ but I have to admit, I wouldn’t mind leveling up a bit,” I said. Heck, somewhere along the line, everyone else had reached level 20- or 30-something. I was eating all the experience-rich food I could get my hands on. What was with the gap?
“Darkness and I go out to keep the cemetery clear once in a while, but stray ghosts just aren’t doing it for me. I don’t earn a shred of XP from them. So I was thinking, I want to power-level while Megumin is away. Won’t she be surprised when she gets home?!”
“I think she might be so surprised to learn we went hunting without her that things could turn violent… But I guess she is doing those Crimson Magic Trials or whatever, and I agree, I don’t think the gap between party members’ levels should get any wider than it already is.” Darkness was thinking pretty hard, but whether you came at it in terms of level, class, or stats, I was the lowest on the totem pole. Still…
“I’m all for closing the gaps while Megumin’s out. But how are we going to raise our levels? Only the person who finishes off a monster gets the XP, right? Neither of you has any way to attack anything.” Darkness could try to attack, but her hits never landed, while Aqua’s abilities only really worked on undead and demons.
Aqua, though, snorted in response to my question. “Don’t worry—I’ve thought it all through. Just leave everything to me!”
And then she smiled broadly, inspiring no confidence in me at all.
3
Aqua peeked out from a side alley somewhere in Axel.
“…There it is,” she said. “Everyone ready?”
Here I’d thought she was planning to go outside town to hunt some monsters, but Aqua had been thinking of something closer to home.
“H-hold on, Aqua—you can’t be serious…!” Darkness, fully armored and apparently under the same misimpression I had been, whispered urgently.
“First I’ll launch a quick attack to pin them down. Then, Kazuma, you come in with your Bind skill! Then, when they can’t move, we all get in there and finish them off!”
“G-geez, and you call yourself a cleric…,” I whispered.
Maybe it was because she was a cleric. That’s right—the opponents she had in mind were…
“Hmm? Ah, Lady Dustiness, what a surprise meeting you and your friends here.”
“God Blow!”
The penguin suit walked over to us holding a broom (I guess he’d been sweeping), only to eat the cleric equivalent of a knuckle sandwich and go down hard. From the muffled noise the suit made as it hit the ground, I assumed it was empty again.
“Hey, Penguin Suit, hang in there! Vanir, are you around?! Your buddy got all his lives beaten out of him again!” I shouted.
Vanir came rushing from the shop. “You twice-accursed and thrice-damned woman, are you not satisfied unless you harass me every single day?!”
“Bringing this stupid penguin back to life costs you some of your extra lives, right? It’s like I’m getting a two-for-one deal. Let’s pit my inexhaustible holy power, gained from the devoted prayers of all my faithful disciples, against your thirty-eris-for-a-pile lives and see which runs out first!”
As Vanir breathed into the suit’s back, trying to resurrect him, Darkness came up to restrain Aqua. “Aqua, don’t tell me the way you planned to raise your level was—”
“To beat the crap out of this guy, obviously. He’s so weak, I can take him out in a single hit, but when I purified him, I got a whole level out of it. He’s a fountain of experience points, the perfect way to get stronger!”
“Pyeek!” the newly resurrected Penguin Suit squawked.
“H-here’s some tea,” the suit said nervously, offering Aqua a cup now that she had barged into Wiz’s shop. The ends of his winglets, which had been patched with mismatched bits of cloth, trembled visibly. I assumed the patches covered the places Chris had stabbed him earlier. It was like every time I ran into him, I felt guiltier and guiltier.
Aqua took the tea from Penguin Suit and sipped daintily. Then she said, “…You’ve got some nerve, serving me hot water and trying to pass it off as tea.”
“Whaaa—?! No, I swear it was tea when I made it…! A-allow me to try again!”
“Argh, there’s no need for you to make her any tea at all, Zeeleschilt! She’s only messing with you!”
Threatened by Aqua on the one hand and berated by his boss on the other, Suit’s shoulders slumped as he came over to me. “Young man, I may be a demon, but even my spirit can break. Please allow me to tell you my troubles…”
“I really think you oughta get out of this town while you still can. I won’t blame you.”
While I was trying to comfort Suit, Darkness looked around the shop. “Come to think of it, I don’t see Wiz anywhere. Is she out?”
“After I forced that insane shopkeeper to work for a week straight without a moment’s sleep, she began saying strange things about sensing a challenger or some such. Given that the Treasure Island the other day bought us some breathing room, and I was actually starting to feel somewhat bad, I decided to let her have a rest.”
I kind of thought Wiz was a lost cause in any case.
“Anyway, boy, what is it that brings you all here today?”
“““Oh!”””
Vanir’s prompting caused us to remember Aqua’s quest to level up…
Avoiding the penguin’s blank stare, I grabbed Aqua and Darkness and retreated to a corner of the shop, where we held a whispered conference.
“Hey, are you really planning to beat that guy up so you can get levels? The Crimson Magic Clansfolk told me of their practice called farming, where you have powerful friends get a monster on death’s doorstep, and then a weaker person finishes it off to gain the experience. I feel as bad about this as I did about that.”
Aqua: “You can’t trust that adorable exterior. But when I think about it, it does kind of make my heart ache to hear him scream and cry over and over. I was behind this idea at first, but even I’m now starting to have second thoughts.”
Darkness: “Why don’t we just go raise our levels the normal way? I know Megumin isn’t here, but we’re no weaklings. This is a perfect opportunity. Normally, Megumin just blows up everything we see the moment we see it, and then we go back home.”
Huh… Just a normal monster hunt, with this group? When I thought about it, I realized that even though Aqua and Megumin and I had partied up together before, Darkness and Aqua and I had never tackled anything with just the three of us.
“All right, let’s take this chance to practice a bit so we can get some things done even when Megumin’s spent all her magic and can’t move,” I said. The others nodded. This was starting to sound like an adventure.
4
After some badgering by Vanir about what we were really there for, some purifying by the short-tempered Aqua, and so on and so forth, we finally got out of town and into the field.
“All right, frogs! Time for a little ribbit revenge!”
“No way! Frogs are the one thing I don’t want to see out here! It’s like those things were designed just to make my life miserable!” Aqua was the only one to object. I guess she had some lingering trauma from her experience so long ago—and as a result, we were kind of stuck for what monsters to fight.
“But, Aqua, with our strength, those frogs would be the most efficient thing to hunt… Don’t worry—they won’t be able to eat me as long as I’m wearing my armor. So at least you can rest assured the party won’t be completely annihilated.”
“That only means the frogs are definitely going to come after me! I am capable of learning, you know, and I’ve learned this is going to end with me in a frog’s mouth!”
I hated to admit it, but she actually had learned a thing or two recently. Her Intelligence stat wasn’t supposed to increase even if her level went up, so maybe this was a little bit of genuine maturity creeping in? It made me so happy to think she might be growing up a little that I decided to play along with her. “All right. Let’s pick a different monster. How about we check out the forest off in the distance? There should be lots of monsters getting ready to hibernate, so they’ll be out and about looking for food. When we get to those woods, it’ll be like a monster buffet.”
“Nuh-uh. There are lots of bug monsters in those woods. And I’m sure they’ll come right for me, drawn by the wonderfully sweet aroma I give off.” Aqua sounded a bit like a worried plant, but I guess she wasn’t exactly wrong.
Darkness considered for a moment, then clapped her hands. “How about this, then? You remember the alligators in that lake you purified, right? After you ruined their home, they must have moved to a swamp or something. They can’t have gone too far. So let’s finish what we started with that quest and—”
“Not happening. I know how this is going to go. We’ll get to that swamp, and then you’ll tell me to purify the water to draw out the crocodiles, right? And when I do, they’ll come straight for me. No way am I going anywhere like that!”
…………
“Listen, you. I can see you’re wimping out on us here. You’re all upset now that you can see it’s not going to be as easy as just beating up that penguin suit.”
“Oh, boo-hoo, you noticed. If you’re willing to say that out loud, it means you’re losing interest, too, right, Kazuma? Then let’s call it a day for now and pick up some nice ingredients for soup on our way home.”
I couldn’t say Aqua’s idea was unappealing, but Darkness grabbed ahold of her, and I started barking orders. “All right, frogs it is. Darkness, you draw a few out from over there.”
“Got it. I’ll leave the attacking to you. Of course, even I could probably hit something that big every once in a while. Just you watch me.”
Only every once in a while?
“Nooooooooo! Why?! How?! This isn’t the Kazuma I know! When I think of a nice, easy idea, the Kazuma I know would be all, Yeah, sounds good to me, and come right around!”
“W-watch it! You can’t assume I’ll be a lazy good-for-nothing forever! I told you, I can do a job when I really want to! Anyway, just shut up and come with us!”
Aqua struggled and cried while I looked around the area. “You’ve been acting really weird lately, Kazuma!” she said. “You’re like some longtime NEET shut-in who works up his courage and gets his first job, and then someone gives him a half compliment, and he gets the idea that he can do it if he really tries. But he’s wrong! Wrong, I say! Where are you getting this baseless confidence?! Is it because Darkness gave you a little kiss?! Do you think that makes you an adult now?!”
“G-geez, shut up, Aqua, and forget all about that. I’m begging you!” Darkness said. “And don’t you keep glancing at me like that! Argh, Kazuma, I don’t see any frogs!” Darkness was starting to tremble, probably from the memory of the fact that she’d given me a kiss right in front of everyone. I wouldn’t say Aqua’s deduction was completely wrong, but there was another reason I was brimming with confidence.
That special article from the newspaper this morning.
Would the awesome Kazuma from that article give up and go home just because things weren’t as easy as he expected? How could I hold my head up in front of the Satou fans all over the country, let alone the other Satous still laboring away in Japan?
I took out my bow. “Okay, Darkness, I’ll start by using my dynamite-like stuff to scare some frogs up from underground. Then you use Decoy to draw them to you. They’ll come quickly, but they should give up trying to eat you when they realize you’re wearing metal armor. By the time they shift their attention to Aqua and me, I’ll have a bead on them and be ready to finish them off.”
Darkness practically grinned. “R-right…! I don’t know what’s up with you today, but you really are full of confidence! You’re like some virgin who works up his courage and goes into an adult establishment for the first time, then receives the watered-down compliment that he’s actually not half-bad, and he gets the idea that he can do it if he really tries—”
“Shaddup already! What’s with you two? Is it so wrong for a guy to have a little confidence?! Damn it all, I don’t care if Megumin isn’t here to baby me—I’ll show you a guy who can do it if he tries! Kindlllle!”
I pulled out my dynamite stuff and flung it as hard as I could. I never would have gotten away with using this item if Megumin had been here, but I had kept making them even though she had insisted I get rid of them. My homemade fuses still lit somewhat erratically, so I used Kindle to make sure the thing caught fire. Aqua pressed her hands over her ears and squeezed her eyes shut.
There was a pop of an explosion in the field outside Axel. At the same moment, the ground quaked, and a very familiar life-form appeared.
“Perfect! Here they come, Kazuma, the…frogs…?”
Yeah, they were frogs, sure enough. But not just a couple of them.
“Uh, Kazuma, why are there so many?! And what are we going to do about all of them coming this way?!” Aqua cried, with Darkness still holding her by the arm.
How the hell should I know…?!
“I told you! I told you! I said no frogs! I promise you, these frogs were created by demons to oppose the beautiful goddess that is me! Waaaaaaahhhh, this is why I said we should go hoooome!”
“Shut up! If you don’t want to die, then stop crying and start dropping some buffs! Why are there so damn many of them anyway? Don’t tell me your bad luck is acting up again!”
The frogs must have been hungrier than usual, because they made an absolute beeline for us.
That seemed to give Darkness an idea. “Kazuma, I think this has to do with the Treasure Island! They were hiding underground because they were afraid of the Genbu’s magic power. It’s a divine beast, remember? It was so powerful, they wouldn’t come out even though they were hungry. But then your magic item gave them a fright and brought them all to the surface again.”
That got Aqua going. “Apologize! Apologize for trying to blame this on my bad luck! This is all your fault this time, so take responsibility and do something about it!”
“Even I didn’t think one little stick of dynamite was going to make things this bad! But I am sorry for doubting you! I apologize, so let’s just get eaten together! Darkness ought to survive; she can come back to save us!”
“Noooooooooooooooo! I’m so sick of getting slimy! I’m so sick of getting covered in fiiiiiilth!”
“Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Come at me!” I stared down the oncoming horde of frogs. And for the first time since recruiting the members of this party, I felt like a real man.
5
“Sniff…snorrrkkk… I don’t wanna go outside anymore… I don’t want to leave the house all winter…” Aqua, dripping slime, was trudging along the carpet. I was pretty desperate for a bath myself, but I decided to let her go first today. Why? Well, as soon as Darkness had rescued her from the first frog, she got eaten by a second.
I wasn’t sure why they had gone after Aqua when Darkness had rescued us both at the same time. I thought maybe her all-around bad luck had something to do with it, but then again, maybe there was something to her talk of frogs being the enemies of goddesses.
I took Aqua’s hand as she trundled along and led her to the bath. “C’mon—I’ll heat up the water for you so you can hop on in. I’ll go after you.”
“Hrk… Sniff… This was all because of your stupid dynamite, Kazuma, but now that you’re being so nice to me, I have to forgive you, and I hate it…” Aqua was still sniffling, but she let me lead her over to the tub, where I used magic to make the water nice and hot.
While Aqua cleaned herself up, I, still slimy, waited for Darkness, who had gone to report our frog hunt to the Guild.
“I’m back.” Darkness, the one member of our group who had been safe thanks to the frogs’ aversion to metal armor, was watching me from the doorway, where she stood with the money from our reward and from the sale of the frog meat.
“Awesome. If you want a bath, you’ll have to wait your turn. I’ve got dibs on it after Aqua, okay? …Hey, why are you looking at me like that?”
“O-oh, it’s nothing. I just noticed that you guys are always getting eaten, and I can’t help imagining what it feels like…”
Ah. I’d wondered where her masochistic streak had gone recently.
“Oh, hey, Darkness, welcome back. Kazuma, I’m done with the tub. Don’t let any of the water get in your mouth, okay? I purified it, and I’m pretty sure it’s nice and clean, but if there’s any leftover frog juice in there, you could get a very upset stomach.” Aqua, fresh out of the bath, was in her pajamas and bare feet.
“What do you take me for, you slime-brained idiot? I’m still covered in goo, so if you don’t want to have to take another bath, you’d better apologize to me.”
“I’m sorry, Kazuma! I don’t wanna get slimy anymore, so please forgive me!”
Satisfied with Aqua’s desperate kowtowing, I went to take my bath.
It wouldn’t have been very relaxing to take a bath covered in frog slime, so I rinsed myself off as best I could first. When I had finally gotten all the gunk off me, I settled into the tub and breathed a sigh. It felt like it had been a long day, but when I thought about it, Megumin hadn’t even been gone on her trip a whole day yet. I would have thought things would get a lot easier with one problem child out of my life for a while, so why did I feel so spent?
That was when I thought I sensed someone just outside the bathing area.
“Hey, Kazuma, I’m so tired tonight, I don’t need dinner. I’m going to grab some wine and snacks instead, okay?”
“Just a second. ‘Snacks’ doesn’t mean my precious caviar, does it? I got that stuff when I was at the castle, from that weird butler who was willing to put anything I asked for in my soup!”
My objection didn’t stop Aqua, though, who left the bath area humming. For a second, I considered chasing after her buck naked, but she wasn’t the only one who was tired. I closed my eyes and sank up to my shoulders in the water…
I didn’t know how long I had been asleep. When I woke up, the lamp had burned low, and it was dark outside. The bathwater had gone tepid, meaning I’d been in there for a long while. Just went to show how tired I was, I guess. And…
“I guess it proves how much help Megumin really is, too.”
Even with all the frogs that had been after us today, if Megumin had been there, she would have taken every single one of them out in one shot.
When I thought about it, I realized it was just like with Darkness: The first time I really appreciated her was when she had been about to become Alderp’s wife. Which made me wonder, could it be that when it came to Aqua, who right now I thought of as doing nothing but stealing my precious snacks and bringing trouble on me…
“No, uh-uh. No way!”
I announced to the dim bathing area. Okay, so maybe I could at least be grateful for her healing magic. And actually, she was really good at beating demons and undead. And the way she could bring me back to life as long as my body was still intact, it wouldn’t be unfair to call that a cheat ability…
“Nah. If I hadn’t brought Aqua along, I could’ve gotten some actual divine item or real power, and then I wouldn’t have had to die in the first place…”
Maybe I would just keep all this to myself for now. If I said any of it, she would probably burst into tears again. Besides, at this point, a nice, ridiculous life in this world seemed…
Not so bad.
It happened just as I was having that thought. I heard the door to the bathing area open.
The lamp light was out, and it was dark inside; of course someone would assume there was no one here. But Aqua had already taken her bath, and Megumin was back in her village. Which had to mean…
I heard a rustling of cloth and thought back to that day long ago. The first night I had asked a succubus to come over, I’d gotten in the bath like this. In fact, the situation was pretty much identical. The lamp had spontaneously gone out, and I’d fallen asleep in the water. Back then, I’d thought I was dreaming, but today, I knew for sure I was awake.
I saw a pale silhouette against the glass door that divided the changing area from the bath. It was exactly like it had been back then. The glass door opened, and there was Darkness standing there. She was larger in certain places than I remembered. Our eyes happened to meet immediately.
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk!”
A high-pitched scream echoed through the bath.
“Ugh, what were you thinking?! And why were you the one who screamed and not me? Everything about this seems wrong!” Darkness, who had rushed up beside me after I cried out, was trying to cover my mouth and talking fast.
That’s right: I was the one who had screamed. Me.
I pried Darkness’s hands off my mouth and said: “I’m not going to be treated like a sexual harasser just because I got a lucky peep! You know, I don’t think a woman has the right to be upset at a guy if his getting a look at her was pretty much an act of God! Tell me I’m wrong. I was here first, wasn’t I? If our genders were reversed, you would be the pervert here! So why is the guy always the villain? You’re out of order! This whole freakin’ world is out of order!”
“G-geez, okay! I’m not saying you did anything wrong! I wasn’t going to blame you for this or anything—”
Darkness was trying to say something, but I interrupted her. “And another thing! How come a guy can be convicted of being a pervert based solely on a woman’s word? That’s where the trouble starts! Say we’re on a train together, and you cop a feel of my butt! If I was to be all, Help! Perv! would anyone listen to me?!”
“Wait, why would I…? Cop a what? And what’s a train?”
I got angrier and angrier as I blathered on. Yeah, it was the world that was wrong. If they were gonna crow about gender equality and stuff, then male and female perverts should both be guilty based solely on the victim’s testimony!
“If I was the prime minister, I would arrest male and female pervs equally! And there wouldn’t be any false accusations on my watch! I’d make sure there were security cameras in every train car, and anyone making a BS accusation would be punished to the fullest extent of the law, man or woman!”
“O-okay! Yes! Good idea! Just please calm down a little! Think about what will happen if Aqua shows up! But I don’t have the slightest idea what you’ve been talking about!” Darkness, looking like she might just be about to burst into tears, put a shushing finger to her lips, but did I care? No!
“There would only be one exception,” I went on. “If the perv lady was gorgeous, then she would be considered innocent as long as the victim didn’t press charges! Just wait until I get back to Earth! I’ll run for office on this platform…!”
And that was when I registered Darkness’s body. She was naked, pretty much, except for a bikini-like swimsuit. She had a big towel wrapped around her, and in her hand was a smaller cloth for washing someone’s back.
She must have noticed me staring, because she went red up to her ears, looked absolutely humiliated, and said, in a voice as small as a fly:
“I… I thought maybe I’d wash your back…”
6
A wet sound echoed around the bath area.
“Oh… Hgggh…!”
“Kazuma…”
It felt very different in there from our usual relaxed day-to-day.
“D-Darkness… Do over here next…”
“Y-yeah, okay… But, Kazuma, uh…” Darkness, who was still blushing and having a little trouble getting the words out, sounded even more confused than usual, too.
“Pant, pant… Darkness, I’m—I’m gonna—!”
“I can’t do it, Kazuma. I can’t take it anymore…!” And with that lurid exclamation, Darkness said…
“Why do you have to make all this noise when I’m just washing your back?! You make it sound like we’re doing the dirtiest thing in the world!”
The nice, fluffy towel that had been rubbing my back came flying at my head. I took it and started to wipe the front of my body. “Gee, I wish it was that easy. Don’t forget that the last time you washed my back, I thought it was a dream. It didn’t feel real!”
Looking back on it now, I sort of regretted it. Because I’d been convinced it was a dream, I thought I could have the same fantasy anytime I wanted, and I had been eager to hurry along to the next part.
“Frankly, I’m frightened that you thought this was a dream. It only means that you dream about ordering me around,” Darkness said as she ran some more warm water over my back, washing the bubbles away.
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s my dream. Hey, you know what? A woman I really respect once said that in your dreams, no matter how twisted, image-use rights and regulations don’t apply.”
“Who told you something as stupid as that?!” Darkness demanded, dumping water over my head. “I swear, I get more and more suspicious of your friends every day. Which ‘woman you really respect’ told you this? I haven’t heard anything about her.”
“Someone better than you in every way, from humanity to attractiveness.”
“That’s not the sort of thing you say to a woman when you’re alone with her!”
It would be silly to compare Darkness to this person. This other person was even contributing to helping keep the crime rate low in Axel by bringing lonely adventurers a night’s sweet dreams to make them feel better: my dear, wonderful succubus.
“By the way, what’s with the special benefits all of a sudden? Don’t tell me you’re angling for more pocket money like Aqua? How much do I have to pay to get this kind of treatment?”
“When someone works up her nerve to do something special for you, don’t dismiss it as ‘benefits.’ This is one way of thanking you for helping out Sylphina. I already thanked Megumin and Aqua and Vanir and Wiz and all the other adventurers, but I hadn’t properly expressed my gratitude to you yet, Kazuma…” Then Darkness turned red. As if to snap herself out of it, she dumped some cold water out of the bucket by her feet.
“Yikes, that’s cold! If you’re gonna dump cold water on yourself, don’t do it right next to me! Unlike certain masochists, I’m not a fan of very hot or very cold things!”
“You know, not everything I do is about masochism! You need to stop saying stuff that casts other people in the worst possible light!” Darkness said, looking at the floor in embarrassment before she came around in front of me.
“H-hey, are you serious? Just how far does this gratitude of yours go? Am I gonna have to pay extra?”
“All you need to do is be quiet! Argh, just make sure your towel is wrapped good and tight, okay? Now, listen, I’m not pretending like Aqua. I’ll do the front, too, so don’t move!” Darkness started scrubbing my chest, even though she couldn’t bring herself to actually look at my body.
“I get it; I’ve known you just as long as you’ve known me. I know perfectly well you’re secretly happy to be doing this.”
“You don’t ‘get it’ at all! Just sit still already!” I guess my quips weren’t reaching her. Darkness poured more warm water over me. “Sigh… I was nervous coming here, and now I really look like an idiot… Hey, I said don’t move! You’re doing that on purpose! You want me to look, don’t you?!”
That really sounded portentous, and it gave me a thought. “Don’t tell me you mean to stop here. You’re saying you came in here dressed like that, two beautiful young people alone together, and it’s going to end with a little scrubbing?”
“Hrk?! B-but I thought you and Megumin were—” Darkness looked very confused.
“That’s right—we are!” I said. “Megumin and I have a good vibe going! But hey, are you really satisfied with standing by and watching? Can you live with that?! Didn’t you tell me you cared more about me than you thought you did?!”
“Y-yeah, I mean… I guess I did, but…”
“It made me happy to hear that,” I said, and Darkness gulped.
“W-well…”
“I was glad you would say something like that to me. And I cracked; I turned you down. But men can be a lot of trouble, you know. It would be kind of pathetic to give up completely just because a guy shot you down once. But then, it’s the same with women, huh?”
Darkness gulped again, louder this time. “Y-you mean it’s not Megumin you want; it’s m-m-me…?”
“Oh heck, I’m not saying that. I’m a guy who finishes what he starts. Once I get into a relationship like that, I wouldn’t just flip over to some other woman or two-time anyone or something like that. I consider loyalty and faithfulness two of my guiding principles in life.”
Darkness made a sort of stupefied sound and looked at me with wide eyes. “Uh, but, but you chose Megumin, but the way things are going here, we’ll end up doing something we shouldn’t, but…?” She sounded thoroughly confused.
“Was that too hard for you to follow? Then how about this: I want to be a faithful man. But I do sympathize with your intense adoration and even desperate love for me.”
“I don’t think I ever described what I felt for you as ‘desperate love’… Erm, never mind…” I silenced Darkness with a glance before she could say something really outrageous.
“So here’s the deal: I resist adultery as wrong. I resist it firmly, but when you come in lust-crazed, with your higher level and superior stats, there’s really not much I can do. But because I do care about my party members, no matter what you do to me, I’ll never be able to hate you…”
“Y-y-y-y-y-you! Those nicknames everyone has for you, Trash-zuma and Kaz-scum-a or whatever they are, don’t go far enough! I don’t know what Megumin sees in a man like you!” Darkness was very agitated.
“H-hey, watch it! You’re talking about the guy you fell in love with, you know! Listen, no healthy young male could resist a girl throwing herself at him the way you do! In fact, you should be proud of me for managing not to cross that final frontier yet!”
“Proud of you? You moron! Forget it—this was stupid of me! I feel sick! I’m leaving! You can finish up by yourself!”
What a terribly salacious thing for such a refined young noble to say!
“Oh? So you’re just gonna leave without even washing my front? Where’d all that gratitude go? You always insult me for being incompetent or whatever, but you’re the one who doesn’t know what she’s doing! ‘House Dustiness never backs down,’ my foot! Don’t ever say cool stuff like that again! You hear me?”
Darkness’s eyebrows rose dangerously at that. “Fine, I’ll do it! But I’m only going to wash you! Nothing more, okay? I’m not so easy that you can get to me just by provoking me like that!”
“Yeah, whatever, just do it! If you have the guts, that is! Aqua’s probably eating her way through my entire stash of expensive snacks, and Megumin’s back at Crimson Magic Village. So there’s no one to stop us! No convenient interlopers like the other times!”
Darkness grabbed the towel and started wiping violently, as if she was angry.
“Hey, that hurts! If you’re here to express gratitude, then be gentle about it!”
“When the guy insists on needling me about every little thing, then I want to get it over with as quickly as possible!”
Maybe her anger was a way of hiding her embarrassment, because Darkness’s face was bright red, but her eyes seemed glued to one particular part of me…
“Can’t you do something about that?! I can’t ignore the way the towel pokes up there!”
“This is just Sleight of Hand. We beat those frogs, remember? My level went up, and I used the points to get this skill.”
“I’ve never seen such a stupid skill! It’s not even a party trick! I swear, you make no sense to me… You’re a complete mismatch for our sweet, straight-shooting Megumin. You need to break up with her!”
What a thing to say!
“Well, unfortunately for you, Megumin is head over heels for me! No way am I gonna listen to your dumb suggestions. I’m going to go get Megumin to be all nice to me instead!”
“Gods, you’re almost bracingly awful! …Okay, I get it. I see now what I should have done all along.” Darkness smiled, looking really relieved for some reason. “I’ll just cook up a compromising situation for us and then tell Megumin. I’ll show her what a worthless degenerate you are, how vulnerable you are to temptation. If she genuinely hates you, then it won’t hurt her to give you up. And when you can’t be swayed by me anymore, then I’ll acknowledge that you’re right for Megumin!” And then she suddenly threw herself on top of me!
This was the most diabolical thing…!
“I-I’ve got Megumin…! I won’t let you carry out this evil plan! Grrr, get your hands off me!”
“You yell and shout, but if you really wanted to fight me, you would use your skills! You’re not entirely unhappy about this, are you? Now, how about we try something new together…?!”
It happened right then, when Darkness was sounding her most villainous.
“Such as what, exactly?”
The voice was level, cold…and it belonged to Megumin. Darkness and I, tangled up in each other and both virtually naked, looked over…
And there she was, standing in the doorway, her eyes bright red and a look of thorough exasperation on her face.
Before Darkness could say anything, I blurted:
“Help! She came into the bath and attacked me!”
“Y-y-you stinking son of a—! I always knew you were the very worst man in the world!”
I cried for Megumin to help me.
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