Chapter 5
May We Stop These Accursed Plans!
1
Chris and I made for the castle, working our way through the night-cloaked capital.
Chris seemed to think this would be the perfect time for a break-in. Everyone would be so thrilled at having defeated the Demon King’s army that the soldiers would let their guard down.
“Hey, whatcha got there? That’s kinda neat. Where’d you get it?” Chris asked me. She had covered her mouth with a black cloth.
“A weird employee at a certain magic-item shop in Axel gave this to me. Apparently, it’s one of their hottest sellers.”
In order to conceal my identity on the off chance we were spotted, I was wearing the mask I’d gotten from Vanir.
“Wow, really? I wouldn’t mind having one myself. Who is this weird employee?”
“Good question. His name is Vanir, but apparently he’s always diligently keeping the crows away from the trash heap, so the ladies in town call him Vanir the Crow Slayer.”
“Huh, he sounds like a real upstanding guy! I’d like to meet him.”
She might not think that if she’d actually, y’know, met him. Anyway, I didn’t want to imagine what might happen if that demon came face-to-face with a devout Eris follower like Chris.
Our objective was to break in to the castle and steal Iris’s necklace.
All the sexual harassment notwithstanding, I had never in my life committed a crime more serious than jaywalking or peeing in an alley, so I was a bit nervous about my first real criminal activity.
I had left my sword at the inn. I didn’t want to hurt anybody, and besides, I didn’t have the nerve to use it. I had left my chest armor behind, too, the better to run away, and I had changed into black clothes to help me blend in with the night. I did bring my bow, since it could serve a number of uses when it came to infiltration.
Finally, Chris stopped walking. She stood and stared at the castle from a distance.
“Okay, my adorable subordinate, you ready?”
“I’m good anytime, boss lady.”
““………””
“Um, maybe don’t call me ‘boss lady.’”
“Then don’t call me your subordinate. Why do I have to be the lackey anyway?”
Hidden in the shadows, we argued with each other in whispers.
“Look, being a thief is my job. My main class! And your class is Adventurer.”
“Yeah, but I’m the one with the Second Sight skill. I’d say that makes me more suited to thief work. Practically speaking, I’m the boss here.”
It would hardly do for us to call each other by name while we were breaking into the castle, so we’d spent all night trying to come up with good code names for each other. But so far…
“Hey, I’m the one this whole city knows as ‘the righteous thief’! This isn’t getting us anywhere. Let’s settle this with some kind of contest.”
“A contest, huh? Okay. Thieves need Luck. How about a rock, paper, scissors battle with me?”
The one thing that set me apart was my excellent Luck. I didn’t think Chris knew about my stats.
“Rock, paper, scissors? Okay, let’s go! Come to think of it, I lost to you in a Steal contest a long time ago. Now it’s time to pay you back!”
“Ha, I like your spirit, Chris! But I’ve never lost at rock, paper, scissors. Here we go! Rock! Paper…!”
“First things first, Lowly Assistant. We need to get inside the castle.”
“Sure do, Chief. You know, I wasn’t just living the NEET life here. I wandered around the castle to kill time, so I’ve got a good idea of the general layout. I can get us in.”
I had lost at rock, paper, scissors for the first time in my life. I guess the Luck of those who worship Eris, goddess of good fortune, was nothing to sneeze at. We each compromised a little and wound up with our current code names.
We had avoided the front gate, which had guards posted at it, and instead worked our way around the castle ramparts.
“This is where we’re going to break in, Lowly Assistant? The walls are really high! At least three stories up. Even your lovely friend Chris couldn’t—”
Before she finished talking, I pulled out my bow and readied an arrow.
“Deadeye!!”
I fired an arrow with a hook at the tip and a rope attached to the shaft, like we’d used in the battle with Destroyer. The skill gave me extra distance and accuracy, and the hook lodged easily on the edge of the rampart.
Chris tugged experimentally on the rope, mouth agape. “You’re pretty useful to have around, Lowly Assistant. If you ever quit adventuring, how about you join up with me? We could specialize in stealing from evil rich people.”
“If I ever burn through my savings and end up with nothing but time to kill, I’ll think about it… All right, let’s get started!”
2
It must have been about two or three in the morning. The lights in the castle were out; everyone was asleep.
“I think I’d better go first from here on,” I said. “I’ll use my night vision, and I’ll take it slow. You just follow me, Chief.”
“Got it, Lowly Assistant.”
At the moment, we were in the castle gardens. Our objective, Iris’s room, was on the top floor of the castle.
We encountered our first problem when we reached the door from the gardens into the castle proper.
“Bad news, Chief. The door’s locked.”
“Let me at it. Get a load of my Lockpick skill.” Chris crouched in front of the door and pulled out two objects that looked like ear picks, then inserted them into the keyhole. After a moment, there was a click, and the door swung open.
That’s a specialist for you. I had some skill points I hadn’t used—maybe I would pick up this ability.
Inside the castle, we were plunged into darkness. I led, of course, Chris following close behind me. For now, there weren’t even any soldiers patrolling the castle halls. I wondered if things would always go this easily without the luckless Aqua along.
“Let’s hide in those shadows over there, Lowly Assistant. Don’t forget to activate your Ambush skill.”
No sooner had we ducked into the dark corner than we heard the click-clack of boots on the floor. A patrol, most likely.
“H-hey, Lowly Assistant, why are you sticking so close to me? We’ve got Ambush; we don’t need to be quite this hidden.”
“Can’t take any chances, Chief. Huddle up now, quick.” I pushed Chris deeper into the darkness, keeping very, very close to her.
“Lowly Assistant, I wouldn’t mind just a little personal space!”
“This is all part of filching the Sacred Treasure and saving the world, Chief. Just roll with it!”
As we argued in whispers, the patrolman came to a halt. “…Is someone there?” he said, raising a lantern. Our Ambush skills must have prevented him from seeing us, because he said, “Just my imagination…?” and resumed his route. I let out a breath.
“Gosh, Chief, didn’t I tell you? No chances. If I hadn’t been so careful to keep us hidden, we could’ve been in real trouble there.”
“What do you mean?! If you hadn’t been talking to me, he never would have noticed us! And if you keep harassing me, one of these days you’re going to incur Eris’s wrath!”
Shoot! She was right. Eris probably was watching this. Recently, I’d been following my instincts more than even I thought was really appropriate.
I’ve gotta watch myself.
We worked our way through the sprawling castle, finally arriving at the stairs to the second floor. Iris’s room was on the uppermost level. But when I tried to head for it, Chris tugged on my sleeve.
“Hey, Lowly Assistant. If we can, I’d like to hit up the treasure vault here before we go. Like I told you, right? I’m pretty sure there are two Sacred Treasures floating around the capital right now. Really, the only two places I get a major read on treasure are from that guy Alderp and this place.”
I still thought she had probably been detecting Aqua’s feather mantle at Alderp’s mansion. That meant the only other place the second item could be was the castle.
“The treasure room, right. That’s on the second floor, just up these stairs. There aren’t any guards, but they have a powerful spirit barrier and a bunch of traps…”
“Don’t you worry. Traps are one thing I’m ready for.”
We went up the stairs, toward the treasure.
The spirit barrier on the door to the treasure room was so powerful that even someone without any particular specialty in magic like me could tell it was there. I figured no one but Aqua could crack it.
But then Chris took some sort of magic item out of her pouch. “Normally, only members of the Crimson Magic Clan have these. It’s called a barrier breaker. Some noble had it. I have no idea how they got their hands on it. The Crimson Magic Clan must have sold one. I just thought I’d borrow it.”
A barrier breaker? That sounded familiar. In fact, it looked familiar… Eh, whatever.
Chris fiddled with the item. It made a pa-ching! noise, and the barrier disappeared.
“Wow, that’s powerful stuff. I guess now all we have to do is watch out for traps.”
“You got it. And both of us have Detect Trap and Disarm Trap, so we really shouldn’t have anything to worry about.”
I took out my lighter and lit it so we could get our bearings. I shone the dim light around the treasure room, revealing a hoard of neatly stacked loot.
“Oops, traps everywhere. Try to take the treasure, and an alarm will sound. If we don’t see the Sacred Treasure we’re after, then let’s not touch anything.”
I nodded in agreement and tried to see if there was anything that looked promising. But really, I didn’t know what a monster-summoning Sacred Treasure might look like, so I pretty much had to leave it to Chris and her Sense Treasure skill. For my part, I just kept a lookout, occasionally taking a glance through the piles of treasure…
…and that was when I saw it.
“Okay, Lowly Assistant, it doesn’t look like it’s here. Lots of powerful magical items, but nothing that would qualify as Sacred— Lowly Assistant?”
It was totally out of place in a room full of treasure.
And to me, it was achingly familiar.
“Comics…!”
A manga magazine was lying there. It could only have been brought from Japan.
As I looked at the book with unmistakable nostalgia, Chris must have known something was running through my mind, because she watched me closely.
“Um… If you try to take that…”
She couldn’t quite bring herself to say it, but I knew what she meant. “It’s okay. That book is from my country. I was just thinking how much I miss the place.”
For some reason, this caused Chris to adopt an apologetic expression.
“You don’t have to look at me like that,” I said. “Anyway, I actually owned that comic, so I don’t especially—”
I was in the middle of my sentence when I noticed the book sitting next to the manga. It was the utmost treasure. Something that people in Japan might jump you just to get, if you were so lucky as to have one.
“Ready to go, Lowly Assistant? …Oh! Once we seal the Sacred Treasures, maybe I’ll get you some books from your home country. So let’s…”
Chris was jabbering on about something, but I didn’t hear her. I was too focused on getting that treasure.
“Lowly Assistant—!!”
“There! The intruders went that way!”
“Two intruders! We don’t know what they’re after, but don’t let them go any farther!”
Chris and I ran for our lives, the soldiers’ shouts ringing in our ears.
“Damn! What a fiendish trap! To think, it got even me…!”
“When we get out of this, you and I are going to have a long talk, Lowly Assistant! You’re just too impetuous!”
“Chief, now’s not the time to argue! We’ve gotta find a way out of here!”
“Don’t you tell me that! I’m well aware!”
Lights were coming on all over the castle. The alarm from the vault must have woken people up.
“Create Water! And Freeze!” I laid down ice in the hallway as we ran. A moment later, shouts and cries came from behind us.
“You really are good to have around, Lowly Assistant.”
“Cut the chatter, Chief, and just think of a way to help us!”
Chris had come up to jog alongside me as we traded banter, and she gave me a thumbs-up. “You got it! Let your chief show you what she can do!”
Then Chris spun around, producing something from her pocket: thin pieces of metal wire.
“Wire Trap!” she shouted as she flung them.
When the little pieces of wire touched the walls, they instantly spread out into a steel net, like a spiderweb. Even a small person would have had trouble squeezing through it.
“That should buy us enough time to escape. What with all the commotion, Lowly Assistant, I think we’d better call it a night. What say we get out of here?” Chris drew a dagger from the small of her back as she spoke and used it to punch out a window. She was looking around the area, ready to run.
“No, wait. Whatever I can do today, I’d like to do it! They’re going to kick me out of the capital tomorrow!”
Chris gave me a pained look. “I-I’m sorry, but… A Thief and an Adventurer? If we tried to take them on, they’d arrest us in no time at all. And when did you get so resolute anyway?!”
Her words made me think. Why was I so desperate to do this? I wasn’t the hot-blooded character, and I definitely wasn’t the “chosen one” hero type.
Just calm down. I’m cooler than this.
Yeah. If I went back to Axel, I could have my life of leisure. I didn’t need to do this. I could just run away and relax at my mansion…
That was what I kept trying to tell myself anyway, but my days with Iris kept flashing before my eyes.
Iris in a bad mood when I teased her. Iris with her eyes shining as she listened to my story of purifying a Lich in a dungeon. Iris after I had convinced her to sneak some food from the dining hall, looking embarrassed but also somehow happy as Claire scolded us both. Iris crying and yelling at me after she had happily repeated to her servants some outrageous lie I’d told her.
And then there were the words she’d said to me when I asked her why she would ever like me.
“I’ve never met anyone like you before. I’ve had lots of servants, but there was no one who was totally fearless, and rude, and obnoxious, and willing to tell a princess like me all kinds of dirty things, and who wanted to win at any cost in a totally immature way…”
I didn’t think any of that was actually a compliment, but still…
“I was trying to find out why you would like me.”
“And that’s what I’m talking about, isn’t it?”
She really liked me…for me.
I didn’t know how I’d gotten in so deep. I definitely didn’t know why I was so fond of Iris. I mean, in a few years she would be a princess of marriageable age. And then there was no chance that she would be allowed to keep meeting with a guy who was not only so much lower in social status but as suspicious as I was.
In fact, the moment I left this castle, there would be nothing to connect us anymore. So tonight was my last chance to act like a big brother to her.
“Lowly Assistant, I really think we should get out of here! You go back to Axel—it might take me a while on my own, but I’ll do something about the Sacred Treasure!”
But that was exactly why…
“Chief, I…”
I had been through the wringer already. I couldn’t make any promises about the future. I could barely make any promises about the next day.
But—
“Now, right now, I can do what I need to do.”
“Lowly Assistant…?”
“There! We’re through the wire! But the thieves…didn’t get away; they’re still standing right there for some reason!”
The soldiers had cut through Chris’s wire trap, and now there was nothing between us and them.
One guy, apparently their leader, was bellowing, “You villains! You’ll regret coming to our castle! Make sure we take one alive—then we’ll find out what they’re after!”
One of the soldiers who stood blocking our way reported back to the shouting man, “Captain! One of them has a dagger, but the other one seems to be unarmed. Let’s try for the weakling with no weapon!”
The captain nodded. “I agree, the silver-haired one looks strong. All right, give the silver-haired intruder no quarter! But two of you should be more than enough for the weak-looking guy in the mask!”
What’s with me tonight?
Was it because I had genuinely decided to be serious this one time?
“We’re dealing with a criminal here! I don’t need him in one piece!”
I was on top of my game.
“They’re not moving. You, intruders! If you’re going to surrender, now’s your chance. You might get away with your lives!”
For some reason, I was actually on top of my game tonight.
The captain was pointing his sword at me.
“……”
I didn’t say anything but raised my hand, almost as if I were going to shake his. He lowered the weapon slightly in puzzlement.
“Oh-ho. Waving the white flag? Good. You, Silver Hair, throw down your weapon! If you do, we miiiiiaggghhhh!”
The moment he took my hand, he screamed and crumpled to the ground, twitching.
““““Huh?!””””
Everyone else, including Chris, looked at one another and voiced their amazement.
The man they were calling “captain” seemed to be made of fairly stern stuff. But besides Darkness, who had the strength of a monster, there weren’t many people who could withstand my Drain Touch when I was in my groove.
“Wh-what did he do?!” The other soldiers took a step back, their captain still lying on the floor.
“Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Perfect! I’ve never felt better! I don’t know why, but I’m in top form! And tonight, you’re going to see what happens when I get really serious!”
“L-Lowly Assistant? You’ve been acting really weird! Are you okay?”
I jumped at the remaining soldiers!
3
“Chief! The stairs to the top floor are just to the right around that corner!”
“S-sure, got it! B-but look, Lowly Assistant, you sound…and are acting…totally different from normal. What’s going on?!”
Chris and I continued to hear shouting behind us as we ran along. The difference from earlier was…
“Thieves! Extremely capable thieves have broken in! Call our best adventurers!”
“Be on the alert—do not try to engage them alone! They’re very powerful! They don’t seem to want to kill anyone for the moment, but don’t let your guard down!”
“Knight captain, this way! Please evacuate to safety!”
“B-but that masked man—I can’t allow him to go any farther!”
The difference was that I was pumped, and the soldiers seemed oddly afraid of me.
Whoops, enemy detected in front!
“Okay, step aside! Silver-Haired Thief Brigade coming through! If you don’t want to get hurt, then get out of the way!”
“When did we agree on a name, Lowly Assistant?! This is getting serious—let’s call it the Masked Thief Brigade, and you can be the leader!”
The soldier ahead of us had his sword out.
“Wind Breath!”
“Gwah?! Curse him and his little parlor tricks— Ahhhh!”
My wind magic blew the fine soil from my palm into his face. I grabbed the hand of my blinded opponent, holding his sword at bay while I drained him. Within seconds of touching the soldier, I had rendered him helpless. I walked away as if nothing had happened.
“The Masked Thief Brigade? No thanks. It makes me sound like the ringleader.”
“Hey, I don’t want the villain treatment, either! I wasn’t exactly eager to become public enemy number one, but now everyone’s gonna recognize me by the color of my hair! And what’s that skill you keep using anyway?!”
I could hardly admit to using Lich skills. “This is my secret finishing move. And because it’s secret, I can’t tell you anything about it. Bigger problem: If they bring out anyone who can use magic, I won’t have a leg to stand on… And speak of the devil, that looks like a wizard now! You’re up, Chief!”
We were faced with three soldiers who had apparently just jumped out of bed. Two of them wore armor, but one was wearing a robe.
“You got it! I’ll handle him with my skills somehow…! Skill Bind!”
Chris activated her skill before the robed soldier could finish chanting his spell.
“Lightning! …H-huh?”
His spell’s failure to activate threw him for a loop. I pulled out a piece of rope as I ran and shouted, “Bind!”
I flung the rope at the two soldiers. Imbued with magic power by the skill, it wrapped itself around them as though it had a mind of its own. I was really glad Chris had taught me that skill. It was proving very useful. The only bottleneck was how much MP such a powerful ability consumed…
I closed the distance with one of the bound men, then used Drain Touch to steal as much MP as he could survive. I had used up most of my own magic on Bind, but now I was topped right up.
The soldiers yelled and shouted:
“He beat us again! He doesn’t even have a weapon! What the hell is he?!”
“Where are the adventurers?! Aren’t our adventurers here yet?!”
“W-well… We served our best wine at the party, so most of them drank themselves into oblivion…”
“This is why I hate adventurers!”
That little exchange brought me a rush of relief. If we’d really had to face off with high-level adventurers, we could have been in a tight spot.
“Our knights and soldiers are vulnerable to Thief skills! Isn’t there anything we can do?!”
“Normally, you don’t get too much mileage out of Bind; it takes too much MP. Maybe that guy has a whole bunch of manatite or something…?”
“But we never saw him using any! Which would mean…”
“That thief has a terrifying amount of MP! As much as a member of the Crimson Magic Clan!”
The soldiers behind me were letting their imaginations run away with them, making me sound a lot more powerful than I was. I was just using Drain Touch conscientiously.
And eventually…
“Wha—?! Crap, don’t let them get to the top floor! We don’t know what they’re after, but Princess Iris is up there…!”
We were heading for the top floor, where Iris was.
“Wire Trap! Wire Trap! Wire Trap!!” Chris riddled the stairway with wires. She let out a sigh of relief. “All right, that oughta keep them off our tails for a while! Now we just—”
“Now you just get captured and tell us what it is you want here. Who or what are you? Are you the righteous thief—or thieves—of the rumors?”
We turned around to find Mitsurugi in full regalia. And with him…
“You’ve cut off your own escape route. Consider yourselves finished, intruders!”
That declaration came from Claire and Lain, looking their absolute most dangerous.
At a distance stood an audience of nobles and a whole bunch of knights.
4
“What are we going to do, Lowly Assistant? I don’t think we can take on all these people at once!” Chris whispered to me with a squeak.
A quick glance suggested Lain was the only magic user. Mitsurugi was up front, hesitantly closing the distance along with the knights behind him, who had their swords drawn. Behind them, Claire was watching us with a triumphant look on her face. The other nobles seemed to be enjoying the show, too, apparently convinced that this was already over.
“Miss Claire,” Mitsurugi said, “that masked man is supposed to be very powerful. He doesn’t seem to have a weapon, but if he gets close to you, there’s no telling what he might do. I’ll handle him. Knights, you take the boy with the silver hair.”
“…You know, Lowly Assistant, people keep calling me ‘kid’ and ‘boy’ here. All I’ve done is cover my mouth. Does it make me look that much like a guy?”
“I don’t think it’s your mouth, Chief, so much as your flat ch— Yikes! Now is no time to be getting upset, Chief. We’re going to need everything we’ve got.”
I tried to backpedal as I saw Chris’s face fall practically before my eyes. Then I turned toward Mitsurugi. He had his enchanted blade close and wasn’t taking his eyes off me.
“Okay, Chief. At times like this, you knock out the most powerful enemy to scare the rest. I’m in top form tonight—I’ll drop that empty-headed hunk like a sack of bricks. Then we make our escape while everyone else is frozen in terror.”
“Y-you know I can hear you, right? ‘Empty-headed hunk’? You mean me? And ‘sack of bricks’? Quite the talk for someone who isn’t carrying a weapon. Very well, I’ll give you everything I’ve—”
While Mitsurugi was still babbling away, I raised my hand toward his sword. He saw me and dropped into a deep stance, his hand on his scabbard, ready to draw.
He was an advanced class and a high-level adventurer. Stealing his sword and using Drain Touch on him would keep me busy for a few minutes.
“What’s that gesture? Steal? Too bad for you. Someone once defeated me using Steal, and ever since then I’ve carried around lots of junk as a countermeasure. Now, if you’ll just come quietly—”
“Freeze!”
I intoned my ice magic over Mitsurugi as he spoke. It was just Basic Magic, so Mitsurugi, sensing an attempt at a diversion, kept his eye on me and didn’t budge an inch. I walked casually up to him…
“What do you think you’re doing? Try this on for s—?!”
He tried to pull out his sword but was stunned to find the hilt had been frozen to the scabbard and he couldn’t get it out. I took the instantaneous window of opportunity to grab Mitsurugi by the nose and mouth with one hand.
“Create Water!”
“Glub?!”
Mitsurugi clawed at my hand in a panic as water materialized inside his mouth and he started to drown where he stood.
“Do you admit your defeat?” I called out. “Will you stand down?”
Even as Mitsurugi gasped for breath, he gritted his teeth and made a fist…
“Freeze!”
“Hrk?!”
Before he could raise it, though, I turned the water in his mouth and nose to solid ice.
“Master Mitsurugi!” Claire screamed. I let him go and he fell to his knees, clutching his throat.
“If you hurry and melt the ice, he probably won’t suffocate. Come on, anyone else think they’re stronger than him? …Chief, now! Away we go!”
“I can never tell if you’re really weak or really strong. But I know I wouldn’t want you as an enemy.”
The knights, intimidated by how I had made good on my threat to topple Mitsurugi in a flash, backed away. As Chris offered one of her usual quips, the two of us threaded our way past them.
“Lain, do something about the ice in Master Mitsurugi’s throat—be a little rough if you have to! And you, what are you all doing?! How can there be so many of you and not one of you can land a blow? Master Mitsurugi may be out of the fight—but that doesn’t mean you should just let them through!”
“But their Evade is so high—they must have the Flee skill! If they focus completely on running away…! All right, everyone, split into two groups! The thieves can’t possibly know the castle as well as we do! You guys, go around the other way!”
“Everyone, please calm down! The thieves will soon be caught—so please, just stay calm!”
As we approached, the nobles blanched and started running this way and that, hindering the knights. We took advantage of the confusion to use Bind on some of the knights in our way. The guards seemed to think we wouldn’t know the terrain, but I hadn’t just been wasting time wandering around the castle. If we could only get through here, then…!
“Lowly Assistant, behind us! Someone’s coming!”
At Chris’s warning, I looked back and saw that Lain had finished tending to Mitsurugi. Now she had her staff pointed at us and was intoning some magic spell.
Claire was in a panic. “Princess Iris is just up ahead! We can’t let them keep going—even if it means killing them! If worse comes to worst, Lady Aqua can use her Resurrection spell! So don’t hold back, Lain!”
The jewel on the end of Lain’s staff began to glow with a strange light. I grabbed the bow off my back, took aim at the end of the staff, and let it fly.
“Deadeye!”
“Yeek!” Lain gave a little shout and stopped moving as the gem shattered.
Claire and the knights stood dumbfounded.
“Who is that masked man anyway?! And why would such a capable person become a thief?!” I could hear Claire groaning in frustration as we dashed away.
5
“Iris’s room is just up ahead. Kindly put a wire trap here, Chief.”
“You got it, Lowly Assistant. Just one, though. I’m getting a little tight on magic.”
We had come out into the corridor that led to Iris’s room, and now we set a trap to stymie the pursuing knights. Using Flee to its maximum potential had gained us a lot of distance, leaving our pursuers quite a ways behind us. We stood before the door to the princess’s room. I opened it…
“I’m impressed you made it this far, intruders. Protecting the people, protecting the country, and protecting the royal family—these are the duties of the Dustiness household. As long as I’m here—”
I closed it again.
“Don’t close the door on me! Why are you even here—?!”
Darkness pulled the door open with a bang, but when she saw us, she stopped dead.
She didn’t know it was us yet! She didn’t know!
“Ch-Ch-Chief! Don’t just stand there trembling; we’ve got a job to do! I know how powerful this big, intimidating female knight looks, but don’t let her scare you! We have to do this—for the good of the nation!”
“Y-y-y-you’re right, Lowly Assistant! This is for the good of the nation, and although we can’t tell anyone about it, it’s the right thing!”
“So it is, Chief! Because no one else realizes the princess is wearing an exceedingly dangerous item! Gosh! If we hadn’t shown up, she could have been in real trouble!”
Darkness’s frown deepened as we delivered this exposition thinly disguised as banter. But it was okay! She still didn’t know who we were!
“Let’s go into the room together, Lowly Assistant! After that, we can both apologize!”
“When you’re right, you’re right! I’m one hundred percent sure they’ll understand when we explain what was going on!”
“H-hey…! Y-y-you two…”
“Darkness, what’s going on? Didn’t I tell you the tone you take at the beginning of a battle is of utmost importance?”
She was hidden behind Darkness, but apparently Megumin was there, too.
“Stand aside. I can detain a thief or two! My MP hasn’t regenerated enough for me to use magic yet, but I am confident in my fisticuffs! In fact, earlier this very day I took on three thugs and won, so I’m sure…I…can…”
Megumin had her staff at the ready, but when she saw us as we shoved our way into the room, she stopped moving.
Okay! This is okay! Megumin’s a smart cookie. Even if she realizes who we are…
“S-so cool…!”
…then if we just explain how dangerous Iris’s divine item is, she’ll… Wait, what?
As she looked at my face, Megumin was blushing and trembling.
“What shall we do, Darkness? Surely this is the righteous thief! Who else would put on such a cool outfit and dress all in black to boot? What’s your name?! Have you decided the name of your thief gang yet?!”
She really didn’t know who we were.
“…Y-you accursed thieves… Um, now you’ll face the—uh, the Dustiness family’s…”
Darkness sounded like she was reading from a script; she stood with her sword ready but without much conviction. Apparently, she’d figured out what we were here for and was going to cooperate with us. Her clenched fist was shaking, like she was struggling to endure something.
What to do, what to do? I guess I’ll explain to her later. But in the meantime, to make things more believable, I’d better tie her up.
“Bind!”
As the rope wrapped itself around her, I thought I saw Darkness let out a little sigh, relief on her face. Now she had an excuse for not fighting back…
Aqua’s voice echoed through the room. “Sacred Dispel!”
Darkness was the target of the spell; the rope dropped limply to the floor.
“It’s your bad luck I was here, huh?!” Aqua appeared from deeper in the room, still protectively clutching her bottle of booze. “I don’t have any idea what you want, but when I bring you in, I’m sure to get another bottle of great wine! As you can see, your skills are useless in the face of my power! Now, come quietly!”
Damn it all! Why did she have to pick now to start being useful? It makes me so angry! Why can she never, ever take a hint about what’s going on?!
“Now, Darkness! Get them! Megumin seems to have gone brain-dead—so you’re our only hope!”
Free from Bind thanks to Aqua, Darkness had no choice but to raise her sword again, practically crying. Knights’ footsteps were approaching.
“Chief! Thanks to that idiot, we can’t stay here any longer! Iris is in here! Let’s find her, and I’ll Steal—!”
“Steal the Sacred Treasure! Great thinking! But…your Steal…”
True. Against female targets, my Steal had an unusually high chance of coming up with a pair of panties.
Then we heard the shouting behind us.
“Cut through the wire, quick! The thieves are after Princess Iris!”
We were out of time. It was possible I’d wound Iris in the process, but I’d do anything to increase my chances of nabbing the Sacred Treasure.
“Y-you fiends shall not stand against my m-mighty sidesweep!” bellowed Darkness before taking a pitifully weak swipe at us. I ducked under her sword, and Chris and I headed farther into the room.
“D’oh, Darkness, why do you have to be so dumb?! You don’t announce what attack you’re going to use! This is why everyone calls you a muscle head!”
“…Sniffle.”
A tear came into Darkness’s eye as she received a scolding from the real dumb one, the person who least understood what was going on here. Beside them, Megumin was watching me as if I were a hero at work.
And then, from farther into the room—just where we were headed—Iris appeared, holding a bejeweled rapier low in her right hand, her left hand outstretched. And on that left hand was a ring, and the ring was letting off some kind of white light, and the light was getting brighter…!
“Intruders! I am a member of the royal family. Know that I, too, have inherited the blood of heroes, and their power runs in my veins! I will not be easily carried…off…”
She had been ready to fight like a tiger, but when she saw us, Iris’s eyes went wide. The glow from the ring faded, and her voice grew small.
This was our chance!
““Steal!!”” Chris and I shouted together, hoping to steal something Iris was wearing.
At the same moment, Claire shouted from behind us, “Your Highness! Are you all right?!”
Damn! No time to see if we stole the right thing!
“Let’s jump to the terrace from here, Lowly Assistant! Our good luck—there’s a pool right under it! If we just take a leap of faith…!” Chris, holding something, hustled past Iris.
“It was only logical that that’s where you would go! I don’t know what you have there, but I won’t let you take it!”
Aqua reached out her hand toward us.
This damn goddess, dense to the very end!
“Seal—!!”
“Damn it allll!”
Chris and I tried to get a bead on the pitch-black pool as we jumped.
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