Chapter 1
May There Be Honor for This Dragon!
1
I was pretty flummoxed by what was going on—despite the fact that I’d brought it on myself.
I was in a cozy little café on the outskirts of Axel Town.
And now…
Now, she was sitting all but frozen in front of me, a smile on her face: Chris… Or rather…
“What in the world are you doing here, Lady Eris?”
…the goddess Eris, whose identity I had finally guessed.
The day after I had rescued Darkness from being wed in order to pay off a debt, Axel’s governor, Alderp, had mysteriously disappeared. Almost as if on cue, a slew of evidence had been discovered proving the man’s evil deeds and general bad behavior.
The next governor of Axel was to be Darkness’s father.
Along with that, Darkness’s debts that I had taken on, and all the other money I had paid—such as the cost of repairs to the town after defeating the Demon King’s general Beldia or the cost of repairs to the governor’s mansion after defeating Mobile Fortress Destroyer—all of that was apparently going to come back to me.
Alderp’s son, Balter, to whom Darkness had also nearly gotten married, had been cleared of any association with his father’s wrongdoing and hadn’t been punished; he was going to be Darkness’s dad’s assistant.
Because her father wasn’t yet fully recovered from his illness, Darkness was appointed as the acting governor, but at the moment, she had shut herself up in her house and still hadn’t come out. Maybe that selfish brat didn’t like the new nickname I’d given her.
Anyway, I was bringing Chris up to speed on all this…
“I’m not Lady Eris; I’m Lady Chris.”
I had started to suspect that Chris and Eris were the same person and tried to trick Chris into admitting as much, but she just kept smiling and repeating the same nonsensical phrase. So I said to Chris—I mean, Eris…
“Hey, there’s something I’ve been wondering about. When you’re in this body, Lady Eris, you always refer to your senior, Aqua, so politely. But you just call Darkness and Megumin by their names.”
“……I’m a very pious and upright thief, the kind who would donate to the church some of the money I took. I couldn’t refer to an Arch-priest like Miss Aqua without being polite.”
Eris looked away from me, and she scratched at the scar on her cheek as if she thought it would throw me off the trail—but her excuse really was a stretch.
“You know, Lady Eris has the same habit of scratching her cheek when she’s not sure what to do.”
At that, my friend’s finger suddenly fell still.
“Let me ask again: What are you doing here?” I said to the suddenly silent Eris.
“…Heh-heh, that’s Mr. Kazuma Satou for you. In fact, that’s exactly why you’re fit to be my lowly assistant.” Eris stood abruptly and started talking in a theatrical tone, like a criminal who’d been found out by a famous detective. “Indeed, it is as you suspect. Sometimes I’m an adventurer. Other times, a noble thief. And still other times, one of Darkness’s friends. But my true identity is…!”
“Wow, you’re really getting into this, Lady Eris.”
“…Or maybe you’re just surprisingly calm, my dear Kazuma… I guess I’ve been found out— Oh well! Nothing to do but tell you the whole story…”
Eris sat back down, and suddenly her expression was much more serious than before. It wasn’t the face of the devil-may-care thief I knew—I was looking at the most venerated goddess in this entire world.
But as for me, I said:
“Gosh, I can’t believe you’re actually Lady Eris, Chief! You two have such different personalities and even different manners of speaking. Oh, um, please allow me to apologize for stealing your underwear the first time we met, Lady Eris.”
“…”
The somber atmosphere was completely lost on me; instead, I apologized for what I had done during our first meeting.
Eris looked like she wanted to speak, but in the end, her mouth just twitched, and she said nothing at all.
“Now that the cat’s outta the bag, I guess there were other telltale signs. Like that time when we were going to go into Khiel’s Dungeon, and I tried to get you to teach me some Thief skills, and you said, ‘A senior I owe a lot to made a crazy request of me, and I’m pretty busy right now.’”
Looking back, I can see why she was so busy.
“It got nuts for you because of the way Aqua demanded you bring me back to life after I was killed by General Winter, right? …Oh, something else I have to apologize for. When you broke in that one time, Lady Eris, and I captured you, I did cop a couple of feels. Sorry about that.”
“All right! That’s history now! You don’t have to bring up every little thing!” Eris pounded the table, blushing faintly. Then she gave a small sigh, glanced around furtively, and whispered, “And please stop calling me Lady Eris when I’m in this body, Kazuma—I mean, Lowly Assistant. And just talk to me casually, like you’ve been doing. Don’t be so deferential. Just treat me as Chris.”
“…If you say so, Chris. Fine. So you gonna answer my question anytime soon? Why did you come down here? Why does a goddess masquerade as a thief? For that matter, which is the real you?”
“Okay, hang on—one question at a time!” Chris glanced around again, coughed discreetly, and frowned. “All right, from the top… I guess one of the reasons I’m here is so I can look for the Sacred Treasures.”
The Sacred Treasures.
Extremely powerful cheat items given to people who had been sent to this world. It seemed one of Lady Eris’s major reasons for being around here was to find items that had lost their owners and collect them so they could be given to new people who were sent here.
“I see; so being a thief is the best way to get those items back. But unlike a certain goddess I know who spends every day eating and sleeping, you really work hard at your job… You said that was ‘one of the reasons’ you’re here. You have others?”
At that, Chris’s serious expression lightened for a moment. “Well, and becoming friends with a young noblewoman who prayed for companionship…” She gave a shy little smile and scratched her cheek gently.
Darkness’s dad had mentioned this. He said that after she became an adventurer, Darkness went to the Church of Eris every day to pray that she would find some friends to adventure with. And then, one day, she met Chris on her way home from church.
“…Wow. You’re a real goddess, aren’t you, Lady Eris?”
“I said, stop calling me that! …E-er, anyway, I enjoyed adventuring with Darkness, too. This thing about my true identity, it’s just between us, okay? Please make sure no one finds out, especially Darkness.”
She scratched her cheek again, looking away. For some reason, everything she did struck me as even cuter than usual—maybe because I knew now that I was sitting across from Eris. Was this what they called wearing goddess-colored glasses?
From guiding dead people to finding Sacred Treasures to befriending her own followers, she was one hard worker. I thought of a certain goddess—one who was eating snacks immediately after I died—who could stand to learn a thing or two from her.
“As for your last question, about which personality is really mine…” Chris gave a teasing little smile. “Which do you like better? Chris or Eris?”
“I love them both.”
“Huh? …E-er, d-do you, now? I didn’t expect you to sound so certain. I took you for the type to hesitate and stutter just a little more when he confessed his love for a girl.” She couldn’t look at me again; instead, she reflexively opened and closed the salt container on the table.
“I wasn’t exactly confessing my love, just talking about personal preferences… There’s you, Chief, with your tomboyish appeal, and the sweet, comforting Lady Eris. It’s pretty hard to choose between the two… Hey! Maybe if you switched between Chris and Eris each day, I could get to know both sides of you! Kind of like double-dipping! Incredible: Lady Eris, a one-woman harem! Please go out with me…”
“You’re the worst! You’re worse than the worst! And I told you to stop with the Lady Eris stuff!”
I caught the saltshaker Chris flung at me, feeling at ease with this banter. For some reason, knowing I was talking to Eris made it easy to say things like love and please go out with me.
Was it because she was Eris—a goddess, someone who was out of reach almost by definition? Or was it because she was Chris, someone I had joined in doing stupid stuff like forming a thief gang? I didn’t know which it was, but this mysterious connection felt really…nice.
“Sigh… For goodness’ sake. I thought I was going to enjoy finally revealing the long-hidden secret of my identity. Talk about a waste…”
“I’ve only got one kind of feeling right now, and that’s a bad one. Don’t tell me you’re here to beg me to go Sacred Treasure hunting with you again.”
Chris responded to my wary remark with a big grin. “That’s my lowly assistant, quick on the uptake! So the Sacred Treasure I’m looking for this time is a set of holy armor called Aigis. It actually goes with the holy shield Aegis, but so far I’ve only been able to locate the armor…”
“Nope! I don’t wanna hear it! I’ve had enough dangers, scrapes, and crises! Look, I’ve been picking up some pretty positive vibes from Megumin recently, and even Darkness seems to be interested in me for once! I’ve got so much money I don’t even need to work! All I wanna do is lead a life of decadence and flirt with my party members!”
“Listen to you! Weren’t you asking me to go out with you just a minute ago?! Come on—you’re the only one I can ask about this! H-hey, don’t plug your ears; your chief is giving you an order!”
Chris shook me—I had indeed plugged my ears and lain down across the table—and wailed. The handful of customers and staff looked over at the commotion. Chris must have noticed it, too, because she finally quieted down.
Just when I thought she would let it go, she looked slowly up at me…
“Mr. Kazuma Satou, I beg of you… Won’t you help me, for the sake of this world…?”
Sitting across from me in a pose of supplication was the goddess Eris… Or rather, Chris, wearing Eris’s disappointed face.
…Lady Eris, that’s not fair.
2
And that’s how I ended up in a team with Chris again.
A few days later, in the living room of my mansion…
“Dear friends. Humans are a species capable of holding conversation. So let us talk about this.”
* * *
Vanir was sitting in the middle of the room, held in place by a powerful binding spell. Aqua and Wiz were sitting hardly an inch away on either side of him, so close that they were practically touching him, both frowning heavily and staring him in the face.
In front of him was Darkness—the girl who had so long holed up in her own mansion but had recently decided to start coming out again—also frowning, arms folded across her chest as she stood imposingly above him.
Darkness had been saved from having to marry Alderp, and I had gotten all my money back. Personally, I thought it was a matter of all’s well that ends well, but…
“You’re the one who benefited most from all this fuss. Lucky you, getting the chance to buy Kazuma’s merchandise nice and cheap… Word gets around, you know? I heard how you were able to resell the intellectual property you got from Kazuma at a huge profit. I’ll bet you knew a less ridiculously complicated way to solve these problems. How about the truth now, huh?” Throughout her entire diatribe, Aqua held protectively to the egg she had named Emperor Zel.
“Mr. Vanir, how could you have kept all this information a secret from me? You bought up every single one of Mr. Kazuma’s ideas cheaply, then sold them again? Unbelievable…! Oh, what am I going to do? I never imagined all that money in our safe came at Mr. Kazuma’s expense…! I’d love to return it, but it’s already—!” Wiz covered her face, apologizing mournfully.
Vanir seemed to take a certain pity at the sight of his employer apologizing so profusely.
“Now, now, calm down, O yakuza lady and deadbeat shopkeep. Was there another way to solve that problem? Well, technically, yes…there…was…but…? …Wait. What did you say, you deadbeat shopkeep?” Vanir stopped trying to placate Aqua and Wiz. “What happened to the money I put in that safe? That was not an amount that could be used in the blink of an eye.”
Wiz looked up from her hands, and suddenly, her face was shining.
“Oh, that! You should be proud, Mr. Vanir. Guess what? While I was looking after the store, a valued regular brought in a big load of manatite crystals. They were willing to sell them at half the market value, so I bought as many as I could with the money in the safe! This time I really did buy something good! From what I saw, those things have so much magical power that they have to be the purest manatite!”
Manatite is a substance that can restore an amount of magic in proportion to the quality of the crystal. It’s awfully expensive for a consumable item, so naturally, there was zero demand for it in a town full of beginning adventurers like this one.
I could only feel bad for Vanir as he sat there absorbing Wiz’s story.
I decided I’d try asking him a question of my own.
“So, uh, not that I think you necessarily planned all of this. But Aqua said Darkness’s old man was cursed by a demon… And you’re the only demon around here, right?”
Yes, this was the reason we had suspected Vanir to begin with…
“Bwa-ha-ha! Behold, I say, far be it from me to place a curse that might endanger someone’s life! The bestower of that curse was another demon, one famous for being not quite right in the head. He says and does all sorts of strange things.”
“That pretty much sounds like you,” I said.
Aqua and Wiz grabbed Vanir’s shoulders from either side, while Darkness, the daughter of the man cursed in this recent incident, stood implacably before him.
“Hold, knaves! Do you mean to imply that one of my revered station would say or do anything that would cause you to confuse me with a broken demon like that? Very well, let us discuss! I will admit that I, ahem, took the scenic route in resolving these events. And I further acknowledge that I orchestrated these developments in order to feast upon the animosity produced when that lord saw his bride stolen away before his very eyes. But I implore you to listen—in particular, the girl standing squarely before me, who, thanks to recent events, was made blindingly aware of her feelings for this young man and whose at-home dress has consequently become skimpier than ever bef—”
“Waaaaaaahhhhh! I take revenge for my fatherrrr!”
“H-hey, my mask! Don’t you try to destroy my mask! And your father isn’t even dead!”
Darkness had launched herself at Vanir, who was still restrained by Wiz and Aqua, and very nearly succeeded in smashing his mask to pieces.
As I sat there with my proverbial popcorn, I felt Megumin tug on my clothing.
“Kazuma, it seems we’ve now confirmed that Vanir was behind all this, and I’d like to go out and do my explosion for the day. Would you be so kind as to come with me?”
“Yeah, sure. It doesn’t look like this is going to wrap up anytime soon. Maybe they’ll have cooled off by the time we get home.”
I grabbed the minimal equipment I would need and headed off with Megumin.
3
“I haven’t thanked you yet, have I, Kazuma?”
Megumin spoke up from beside me as we walked. We were a little ways out of town, following a path toward a mountain valley that boasted lots of exposed rock.
“Thank me? Thank me for what? …Ah, you mean when I went and apologized to the parents after you made their kid cry? That’s water under the bridge. But next time, don’t bully a little kid just because they made fun of your name, okay?”
“Such a ridiculous thing is not what I’m referring to! And furthermore, I have no fault in that incident. That child was wrong to mock the name of a member of the Crimson Magic Clan!”
While Megumin was still fuming, we reached our “explosion spot.”
We came here virtually every day; it was sort of Megumin’s equivalent of a hole-in-the-wall. Don’t ask what kind of hole, but there were big chunks of rock scattered everywhere. I got the impression this was less about getting off an explosion and more about satisfying her thirst for wanton destruction.
If we had run into any monsters on the way, I had been thinking I would have her blow them away to help gain experience points—but sadly, the path was clear.
“I wanted to thank you for helping Darkness, Kazuma.”
Megumin had spotted an attractive boulder at the foot of the mountain and pattered over to inspect it; she didn’t even spare me a glance as she talked. It looked like we had found today’s target.
“Oh, that. Darkness owes me an awful lot—I couldn’t just let her leave the party like that. And anyway, I’m used to cleaning up your messes by now. No need to thank me at this point.” I shrugged, speaking casually.
Megumin backed away from the rock and chuckled. “Even so. As I believe I told you back at Crimson Magic Village…” She turned away from me, raising her staff in the direction of the boulder. “…Despite all your complaining, when push comes to shove, you are always there for us. I love that about you.”
She said it so easily…
“…Hey, I really need you to stop throwing around that word and any others like it. We’re not talking about the weather. I don’t know how to react. If you say things like love way too easily, you’re gonna cause a misunderstanding. Give it to me straight. Is this a serious confession?” I spoke as calmly as I could, trying not to betray the trembling in my heart.
“I wonder,” Megumin said, her back still to me, and giggled. “I’m sure you would love to know.”
…No really, was she serious? Or was she teasing me again?
Hang on. Think, Kazuma Satou.
For a while now, Megumin had been giving off vibes that she had feelings for me. I didn’t know why she would choose now of all times to fall in love, but if I had to guess, it might have something to do with my helping Darkness.
This might sound immodest, but even I have to admit I was pretty cool. Yeah, this was just like what would happen to the protagonist of a romance novel. I did spend the night after I rescued Darkness in bed with the covers pulled over my head, trembling at the thought that I might be executed for what I had done, but looking back on it now, I guess I actually had been pretty heroic.
…For that matter, I had been living in the same house with these girls for quite a while now. Not only was it not surprising that one of them would finally start to show some flowering of affection for me, it was downright shocking that the place hadn’t turned into my personal harem yet.
Sing it! Sing it, Kazuma Satou! Victory is within your grasp! Be not afraid!
You shan’t be refused or isolated! …You…shouldn’t be, anyway…!
I—I wouldn’t be, would I?
Right! Go! You’ll be fine—just be courageous!
“Well…I’m happy you feel that way, Megumin. I mean, I don’t exactly hate you, eith—”
“EXPLOSION!!”
4
“What’s the matter with you? What are you pouting about?” Megumin asked like the oblivious protagonist of some novel as I carried her along on my back. She had been jabbering about it all the way home.
It’s not like I felt anything for Megumin. What did I care if she totally killed the mood?
Sure, she was nice enough to look at, but she was also a weirdo who would never shut up about explosions. Other people might’ve gotten caught up in the moment—but nope, not me!
“Kazuma, were you saying something in the instant I cast my explosion magic? I couldn’t hear you over the blast, but it seemed like you were trying to say something important.”
“Oh, it was nothing! Believe me—I don’t feel anything for you!”
“Why the tsundere act? You’re sending some very mixed signals. Pull yourself together. When we get back to the mansion, I’ll give you an extra helping of that pudding I bought.”
“…Two extra helpings,” I said as I turned the doorknob of our house.
Then I opened the door.
“I can’t do that. With Aqua and Darkness, there’s only one extra serving, so someone wouldn’t be able to have any—”
Megumin stopped midsentence.
…And I was silent, too.
We entered the house to find…
“Give him baaack! Please! Give back my sweet little Emperor Zel!! Waaaaah, give him back!”
“Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Serves you right, O goddess betrayed; your precious pet is— Bwa-ha— Ahh, dammit! St-stop that! Don’t you follow me, you awful bird; go back to your owner!”
We discovered Aqua, weeping and pounding on Vanir’s back.
…And there on the carpet lay Wiz and Darkness, both out cold. Wiz, in fact, was starting to disappear a little.
Then there was what was almost certainly the source of Aqua’s bawling.
Down by the feet of the relentlessly pounded Vanir…
“Peep!”
…was what was unmistakably a chick.
It was trying to cuddle up to Vanir’s feet.
“Okay. Somebody tell me what’s going on here,” I said, letting Megumin down on the couch. I made Aqua and Vanir sit down so they could explain the situation to me. I didn’t know why Wiz was fading away and Darkness was lying on the floor unconscious, but I assumed it had something to do with these two.
There was no way one of Aqua’s attacks could put Darkness out of commission, and nothing Vanir did would cause Wiz to disappear.
Aqua and Vanir sat down on the floor, and immediately, each pointed a finger at the other.
““S/he did it!”” they chorused, then glared at each other from close range.
Aqua furrowed her brows and ground her teeth, making her anger obvious. Vanir’s actual expression was a mystery from behind his mask, but his mouth was pulled into a tight line.
And a tiny yellow ball was perching on Vanir’s knee.
…It’s total chaos in here. What am I going to do?
The only option was to hear both sides of the story.
“Listen! Listen to me, Kazuma! While we were interrogating Ugly Mask here, he suddenly went berserk and attacked us! He was all, ‘Vanir Something-or-Other!’ I smacked him back with magic, but then it hit Darkness, too, and knocked her out, so I used purification magic! And he used Wiz as a shield, and that’s why she’s disappearing! And just when I was thinking my only choice was to wipe this guy out of existence…!”
I see.
I don’t get it at all.
“Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, underhanded woman who presents only the evidence most convenient to her! Along with that muscle-headed girl and my traitorous shopkeeper, she assumed that my predominantly innocent self was guilty! Without so much as a lawyer to defend me, this trial was null, void, and unacceptable, and so I used my Vanir Death Ray attack in self-defense. It was this woman who deflected it and caused it to hit her buff friend, whereupon she further decided, altogether outrageously, to attack me with magic, so I grabbed my shopkeeper as a barrier and managed to escape unscathed. And just when I was thinking my only choice was to put an end to this battle that would echo through the ages…!”
““Emperor Zel hatched.””
Ah, I see.
I don’t get it at all.
5
Zeltman Kingsford.
Apple of the eye of the goddess of water, chosen from among the vast panoply of eggs in the world, of lineage strong and true, and…a chick.
“A fine name. A strong name overflowing with intimidation. It’s no surprise he should cleave to my person.”
“Of course he has a good name, and what do you mean, cleave? I can’t quite excuse the fact that he does seem to like you, but this little one was chosen by me—a deity! He’s destined to be the emperor of the dragons.”
As Aqua and Vanir exchanged barbs where they sat on the carpet, the chick sat absolutely motionless.
He looked exactly like chicks I had seen in Japan. He had all the vulnerability of a newborn, yet he didn’t seem the least bit intimidated by the goddess and the demon arguing right above him; instead, he sat proudly on the great demon’s knee, staring at him unwaveringly.
Zeltman Kingsford.
Nicknamed Emperor Zel, on the hope that he would indeed one day become the ruler of dragonkind.
I plucked Emperor Zel off Vanir’s knee.
“So what’s the plan? Fried chicken for dinner tonight?”
“No! Kazuma, this just goes to show what a monster you are! I swear, this masked demon is more human than you sometimes!”
“No need to be so rude, O pitiful cuckold. Do not equate myself, who keeps an eye on neighborhood safety while the children are coming home from school, with this man who, with the departure of our awful governor, now ranks as the most depraved inhabitant of Axel.”
I think I’m gonna cry.
…Anyway, I’d more or less gotten ahold of the situation. Basically, Emperor Zel hatched while Aqua and Vanir were fighting, and he imprinted on Vanir.
I held Emperor Zel cupped in both hands, Megumin eyeing me jealously from the sofa. I guess she wanted to pet him. I passed the emperor to her and went to check on Wiz and Darkness.
“…I wonder why newborn animals are so adorable,” Megumin said, holding Zel carefully in her hands. “Is it in hopes that predators will take pity on them and not eat them?”
Meanwhile, I was heading over to Wiz and Darkness.
…Wiz was looking a little translucent, but there was nothing I could do about that. Instead, I hoisted up Darkness and gave her a few gentle slaps on the cheek, but she didn’t wake up.
“Anyway, you’re a bad influence on Emperor Zel, so scurry on home,” Aqua said to Vanir. “I’m trying to make sure Zel learns only the very best lessons… Look! Look at Megumin’s relaxed expression as she gazes at Emperor Zel. Amazing. Just born, and Zel is already a lady-killer. They say heroes love the fairer sex, so I think this bodes well for his future!”
“Hmph! You don’t have to encourage me to show myself out. Thanks to that deadweight—and now passed-out—shopkeeper, all the money I so diligently hoarded has turned into a bunch of rocks. Well, humans. If you come by some pocket change, I hope you’ll patronize Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe!” He grabbed Wiz, now about half-vanished, and said, “Excuse me, but could I have some sugar water? At this rate, she’ll be changing classes from a pseudo-Lich to an extinct one. Bring me some nutritional supplements—maybe if we douse her with sugar water or something, she’ll revive, like a rhinoceros beetle.”
I wondered what Wiz’s day-to-day life must be like.
Vanir made for the kitchen as he spoke, but…
“Huh?! Wh-what’s wrong, Emperor Zel?!” Megumin was startled when the chick began flapping around in her hands; she put him gently on the carpet.
What, even Megumin doesn’t feel weird calling him Emperor Zel?
He’s a chick.
So why does he get the most important-sounding name out of all of us?
“Hrm…?”
As we all watched, the yellow fluff ball with the imposing name toddled over to Vanir and cuddled up to his shoe.
Aqua grabbed hold of me. “Waaah! Emperor Zel’s been stolen from me! Kazuma! Dear Kazumaaa! Please slay that masked demon and get me my Emperor Zel back!”
“Why me? You’re in a better position to defeat him than I am. Plus, that’s a chick. Not a dragon. Doesn’t that bother you?”
At that, Aqua went over to where Zel was huddled up by Vanir and held him lovingly to her chest.
“If I were to destroy the masked demon he likes so much, Emperor Zel would hate me. And you may be too blind to see it, Kazuma, but this is an exceedingly rare type of dragon that’s covered in fur, called a Shaggy Dragon. No doubt about it.”
“I understand not wanting to admit that you got had, but give it up already. That thing is obviously and without question just a normal chick.”
As Vanir was getting Wiz some sugar water, he watched Aqua plug her ears and pretend not to hear me.
“Hey,” I said to them, “Darkness doesn’t look like she’s coming around. Is this normal?”
Vanir peered at Darkness, puzzled. “Hmm. Your goddess supposedly healed her wounds. But it’s rather staggering that she took a blast from my Vanir Death Ray and is still breathing. It’s called a death ray for a reason. Normally, people die from it. It is I who would like to ask you how she is still alive. She must have monstrous Magic Defense… But this incident is to the discredit of myself, who swore not to harm any person. When she awakens, ask her for me just how muscle-headed she is.”
“That’s gonna get me slapped,” I said. “Eh, never mind. The only question is what we do with this little guy.” I looked down at the yellow fluff ball, who still refused to leave Vanir’s feet.
I was starting to think it would be just as well to let Vanir take him home.
“Hmm. I cannot blame him for being so attached to me, idol of the local housewives, but there is an unbridgeable species gap between birds and demons. I apologize to Emperor Zel, but he must give up on me.”
“Uh, I think he thinks you’re his father.”
This caused Vanir to grunt thoughtfully. “…No choice, then. Hey, where does Emperor Zel sleep?”
Aqua pointed to the couch without a word.
Hey, don’t let the chick sleep there.
Vanir plucked Emperor Zel up off the floor and plopped down on the sofa. Zel sat still, which he seemed to do only in Vanir’s hands.
Boy, he was really convinced Vanir was his dad.
Vanir leaned over as if giving the chick a hug, and then, with the bird clutched in his hands…
“Skin Shed!”
He intoned the words almost musically and suddenly split himself in two.
Emperor Zel remained in the hands of Vanir’s double, so he couldn’t see the real Vanir. Our ready-for-anything demon held up a hand, while his unmoving husk clasped the chick.
“I believe this is good-bye for today.”
“I keep thinking I’ve gotten used to the creatures in this world, but you really take the cake.”
6
It was the day after our new mascot had joined the household.
“…Hey, Kazuma. Could you stop eating fried eggs in front of Emperor Zel? I can’t help thinking he looks a little scared of you.” Aqua was feeding Zel bread crumbs.
“He’s a dragon, isn’t he? Then he doesn’t have to be scared of me… More to the point, do something with Vanir’s shell already. It’s like having him sitting right there. I’m losing my appetite just looking at it.”
I gestured with my chopsticks at Vanir’s empty shell, which had taken on the role of Zel’s bed, and next to which Aqua was now sitting. The body was empty, but it looked exactly like Vanir and retained a certain amount of his personal charisma; even just sitting there, it was totally creepy.
“What am I supposed to do? Emperor Zel likes it so much… More to the real point, I wonder what’s up with her right now.”
As Zel pecked at her fingers (which looked pretty painful), Aqua glanced over to the corner of the room.
“Looks to me like she’s scared of our little yellow fluff ball.”
Curled up and cowering in the corner was Chomusuke.
I had been worried that the black fluff ball might eat the yellow fluff ball, so this outcome was surprising, to say the least.
“It has to do with magical power,” Megumin said, chewing on some toast and fixing Zel with a stare.
“Magical power?”
“Yes, magical power. I feel an incredible magical energy from Emperor Zel.”
…From the fluff ball?
“During the egg’s incubation, Aqua and I, along with Vanir and Wiz and all the top-class magic-users in town, poured our magical energy into it. It’s well-known that dragon parents warm their eggs with magical energy so that the offspring are born with powerful magic themselves, and it’s fascinating to see that the same thing happens with chickens. We should probably report this to the people raising dragons out on the dragon farm.”
So what was her point? Was this critter really going to become the creature of legend Aqua claimed he was?
“So if we raise him right, he could become our ace in the hole against the Demon King and his—”
“No. No, he couldn’t, because he is a chick,” Megumin said. “He can’t use magic, and therefore he can’t magically fly like a dragon or use magical breath weapons like a dragon.”
……
“You don’t think one day he’ll suddenly manifest some incredible power, or that he’ll be extra tough, or—?”
“Oh, definitely not. Sometimes large amounts of magical energy can slow the aging process and extend one’s life, but he is just a chick, after all. He won’t awaken to any special powers. The best we can hope for is that maybe he’ll scare off wild monsters with his large amount of magic.”
What a waste.
“Oh! That’s it! I can use Drain Touch on him; he’ll be better than manatite.”
“I’m afraid that won’t work, either, because he is just a chick. If you accidentally Drain too much and cut into his vitality instead, you could kill him easily.”
What to do; what to do?
“…I wonder if I would get a big magic boost if I ate him.”
“…Perhaps. He’s so cute that I don’t really want to do it, but if there’s a chance of boosting our magic, it might be worth a try.”
“Don’t look at my sweet baby like that! Get away! Darkness, protect Emperor Zel from these predators!”
Darkness had finished her breakfast and was peacefully sipping some tea; she only regarded us with a slight smile. “…Heh-heh. Watching you guys, I finally feel like I’m truly home. Kazuma, Megumin, don’t bully Aqua too much, please. We can all live in harmony together now. There’s no need to fight. Just be friends.” Her smile grew wider; she looked completely at peace.
“…You sure went from shut-in to cheery in no time,” I said. “Already over the trauma of being dumped by that governor? A virgin divorcée is a new one to me, but hey, you just keep seeing how many weird distinctions you can pile up.”
“He didn’t dump me—he disappeared, and it’s obviously because he ran away when his misdeeds were found out!” Darkness shot back. “And I’m not a divorcée. My family record is still clean.” She grinned.
“…? …Oh! She used her noble status to alter her family registry! Get a load of this hypocrisy, Megumin. She always used to crow about how the Dustiness family didn’t take advantage of their position to do anything wrong, but when she’s cornered, suddenly here we are!”
“Darkness has indeed changed substantially, hasn’t she?” Megumin said. “Her diligence and stiffness have disappeared, and I think her brain has gone soft. No doubt it’s due to your influence, Kazuma.”
Darkness flushed bright red to know that I had seen straight through her little abuse of power.
“Both of you, stop it! Darkness is a very dreamy young lady! She says cute clothes and stuffed animals don’t suit her, but she loves them both, and when everyone’s out of the house, she secretly comes to check on Emperor Zel! She’s a very good girl, okay?! Such a sweet, pure young lady is perfectly free to alter her family registry and— Hey, what are you doing, Darkness? I’m trying to help you!”
Darkness, tears in her eyes, had grabbed Aqua in hopes of shutting her mouth.
At that moment, there was a knock on the front door. We heard it click open.
“I’m letting myself in… Sounds like you’re all having a good time in here.”
Who should appear, smiling at this everyday scene, but Chris.
7
“And that’s the story. I’ve already asked my lowly assistant for help, but if possible, I’d also like all of you to assist me in collecting the Sacred Treasures.”
Chris finished her summary of the story so far and let out a breath. The entire time, she had never once taken her eyes off Vanir’s shell (aka Zel’s bed), which had to be pretty distracting.
Darkness frowned apologetically. “I want to help you, Chris, I really do, but… I’m sorry. With our governor gone to who-knows-where and my father not yet fully recovered, I have to take care of overseeing this town. I’d have to wait until my father is better to help you effectively…”
“No, I understand. That’s important work. I’m happy just to know you’re on my side. Thank you, Darkness.” Chris smiled at her friend, then looked at the other two girls with eyes full of hope.
“If there’s something I can help with, then I will,” Megumin said. “But I’m not sure there’s much I can do. Although, if you find the item has fallen into the hands of some villain, you’re welcome to threaten him with an explosion courtesy of yours truly.”
“Th-thanks, Megumin. I’ll be sure to ask if there’s anything I think you can help with. And, uh, that just leaves…”
Chris looked, still hopeful, at Aqua, who was busy fussing over Emperor Zel. Aqua, however, replied bluntly:
“Sorry, I can’t help you.”
Everyone stared at her. Maybe they hadn’t expected that reaction.
“You have nothing to do but feed that chick and lounge around, don’t you?” I said. “You’ve got the most free time out of any of us. You could at least help a little.”
Aqua held Emperor Zel close to her chest and gave me a condescending smile. It ticked me off, but if I said something and she started crying and carrying on, this discussion would never get anywhere.
Aqua kept stroking Zel gently—maybe she was enjoying the feel of his fluff—as she said with a self-satisfied look, “Listen, Kazuma. I wonder: Do you understand how a parent really feels?”
“…Why are you asking me that? If I understood that, would my buddies in my online game have nicknamed me Makes-His-Mom-Cry Kazuma?”
“True enough. That’s what makes you you, isn’t it, Kazuma? A guy who never goes to school, just plays games. When someone tries to get him to go to school, he throws ugly little tantrums… But you know what? Even the most worthless son is precious in the eyes of his parents.”
Did she think she was talking about me? Ooh, she was gonna get it…
“I happen to know that you people say a child only gets more beloved the worse he is. But I’m going to make my Zel into the strongest, most venerated, and greatest dragon of all! He’s going to learn to be a hero and stand at the zenith of the dragon world… And to that end, your ever-intelligent Aqua has thought of a plan. You know how they say children learn by imitating their parents? I’m going to show Emperor Zel just how strong and worshipped I can be.”
All of a sudden, Aqua was looking very serious.
“And how, exactly, are you going to do that?” I asked.
“At first I thought I might try defeating the Demon King, but I figured with my current power, there’s an ever-so-slight chance I might fail. So I’ll consider that a last resort.”
“…I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about, but didn’t you originally buy that chick in the hopes that he would fight the Demon King for you? I think you’ve got your logic backward.”
“What are you talking about, Kazuma? I could never make my dear, sweet child do such a dangerous thing.”
“You said it!”
I guess her maternal instincts had hatched along with that egg.
“Anyway, showing him my strong side can wait awhile. There’s something more important coming up—a big event.”
…A big event?
Aqua looked at each of us in turn.
“You all know the Eris Appreciation Festival?” she asked suddenly.
The Eris Appreciation Festival.
It was a celebration in praise of the goddess of good fortune, Eris, expressing joy and thanks for the safe completion of another year. It was a tradition observed around this time in every corner of this world.
I glanced at Chris, who was sipping tea beside me, and she looked away in embarrassment.
“So you have the Eris Festival in Axel, too?” Megumin asked. “We celebrated it back in our village as well. It’s said that if you dress up as Eris, the goddess of good fortune, on that day, you’ll be safe all year until the next festival.”
Wow. She even managed to inspire a dress code. Impressed, I glanced at Chris, but she gave me a little shake of her head.
Apparently, it was just superstition.
“My family is involved in the Eris Festival every year,” Darkness said. “The Dustiness family are all very devout Eris followers. We always make a large donation at the beginning of the festival.”
That seemed to embarrass Chris a little.
“So I’ll get to see people doing Lady Eris cosplay around here?” I asked. “Hey, that sounds kind of fun!”
“You think so?” Megumin asked. “I am not the biggest fan of that festival myself. It’s not only women who dress up as Eris.”
“I didn’t need to know that.”
At that moment, Aqua pounded the table with a bang.
“What are you all so excited about?! I didn’t bring this up so we could talk about how great the festival was going to be! You’re completely leaving me— Ow, ow, ow, ow! Emperor Zel, why are you pecking me?! What is it you don’t like about your mother?!”
Aqua’s sudden outburst had startled the chick, who pecked at her fingers.
“What are you getting at?” I asked wearily, and Aqua said:
“If there’s an Eris Festival, it’s only fair that there be an Aqua Festival, too. This year, we’re going to cancel the Eris Festival and have an Aqua Festival instead!”
Chris spat out her tea.
Ignoring the choking thief, Aqua went on with increasing volume. “I mean, don’t you think it’s unfair?! How can they have a festival for Eris without having one for her senior goddess Aqua?! There’s no reason they shouldn’t let me have a festival once in a while! I want to show Emperor Zel my best side!”
What a thing to say right in front of him.
“Plus, everyone thinks Eris is so great, but you know what? Behind that sweet little face she’s got a devil-may-care side to her. And she tends to take things on herself and try her best to do everything alone. I can’t even count how many times I’ve found myself saving that girl’s skin; she’s just not experienced enough yet!”
Chris was still coughing, and now she was red up to her ears.
“Has she really helped you out that much?” I whispered to her.
“…J-just once. But that was only after I had been super-busy taking care of all this work she had foisted off on me so that my own work just kept piling up… So then when I was having trouble, she was like, ‘Sheesh, you’re so helpless! Eris, you would be lost without me!’ All self-satisfied. But she did help me…”
Puh-leez.
As Chris and I sat whispering, Darkness started in with distinct annoyance. “My goodness, Aqua, it’s because you keep bad-mouthing Lady Eris like this that you have such terrible luck. I’m sure all the trouble you keep getting into is divine punishment from Our Lady.”
“You must be kidding! So you think that time the stray dog I was teasing suddenly started chasing me or the time I dropped the ice cream I’d just bought were Eris’s doing?! For such a pretty face, she must be one mean girl!”
I glanced to my side, where Chris was tearfully shaking her head.
“Well, whatever,” Darkness said. “I’m certainly not helping you. Like I said before, I’m very busy as acting governor right now. I don’t expect to be able to spare a lot of time during festival season.”
“Why not?! And after I helped Kazuma rescue you when you were about to be married off and broke the curse on your father, too!”
“Er… Y-you make a fair point, and it pains me to refuse you, but I am a devout Eris follower…”
That caused Chris to let out a small breath of relief.
“Fine, Darkness, you abandoned divorcée!”
“Abandoned divorcée?! Hold it, Aqua, where’d you learn—?!”
“What about you, Megumin?! Come on, Megumin—how about it? You’ll help me, won’t you?!”
“Abandoned divorcée…” The abandoned divorcée looked at the floor as if she might cry; meanwhile, Megumin was timidly petting Emperor Zel.
“I don’t especially mind,” she said. “I’m not an Eris follower in particular, and I do know some Axis disciples. I owe them a very small debt from long ago.”
“?!”
That caught Chris’s full attention. Aqua looked overjoyed.
“That’s my Megumin! And, Kazuma, I know I can count on you.”
“The hell you can.”
“Help me, you dumb NEET! All you ever do is sleep! Please, I’m asking you—I’ll even let you feed Emperor Zel for me! I’ll let you do it just once!”
“Not interested! And why are you acting like feeding that chick is some kind of reward anyway?!”
“U-um, I would like to try feeding him…,” Megumin said.
Apparently, some of us considered it a reward.
“Anyway, canceling the Eris Festival? That’s impossible. The Eris Church would have your head on a platter.”
“Aww… Doing something about that is your job, my friend Kazuma. You always come up with a plan…”
“Piss off,” I said bluntly, and Chris sighed in relief again.
Aqua, however, jumped up and declared, “I’ve had enough of you, you cheapskate! Megumin and Chris and I will figure out something together—you’ll see!”
“Huh?!”
Chris sounded more surprised than anyone had all day.
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