CHAPTER 18: KIN
—Subaru feels his head clearing.
The chorale of pain and suffering fades down to nothing, Subaru's thoughts focusing on only one thing—his resolve to face his father, standing right before him.
Subaru: “I've got somebody I like. Even though it's me.”
He repeats his answer. In voicing it again, Subaru recognizes that his heart is beginning to walk. Kenichi blinks at the confession, realising that what Subaru just said diverges from the flow of how that conversation was going.
Kenichi: “...Do you now.”
Kenichi says quietly, lending Subaru his ear. That attitude's a lifesaver for Subaru. He must've known all along that he had people who would listen to him like this, and yet he'd kept his mouth shut for so long. Now, Subaru thought, was time to end that.
—Because if he did, there was someone there who'd push him forward.
Subaru: “I do. I'm not some brat who just curls up into a little ball in his room anymore.”
Even Subaru doesn't know how much he's really changed. Even while insisting he's not a brat, he has enough self-awareness to recognize that he is. He hadn't taken notice of his courage to lift his head, his resolve to face his weakness, his resolution to not flee from something unpleasant, nothing. He used to be worse than a brat. Now, he had just finally accepted that he was one. That was all. And even that was something he certainly hadn't achieved by himself.
The silver face drifting in his mind tickles at Subaru's chest. That face was the light which gave a motionless, stagnant, frozen Subaru heat.
Silver—fundamentally a cold colour, but here it transmitted Subaru an incredible warmth, the strength to step forward. And as if floating on that heat,
Subaru: “I remember what I was scared of, why I withdrew into a ball, everything. —No, it's that I already knew everything. I knew, and pretended I didn't... While I feigned ignorance about my weaknesses that only I noticed, there was someone...”
Someone who he couldn't fool. He knew who.
Subaru: “I wanted you or mom to slap me.”
Kenichi goes quiet.
Subaru: “I wanted you two to slap the useless, minuscule, paltry, idiotic, complacent garbage that I was. ...I wanted to make you give up.”
Kenichi's silent gaze doesn't waver. Subaru sees himself reflected in irises the colour of his own, his fundamentally sharp eyes looking weaker than ever.
Subaru: “I used to just be good at doing everything well. There was running, studying... I could immediately do the things my friends couldn't, I was actually mystified why nobody else could do them.”
Call it a child's conceit, or an adorable feeling of omnipotence. Young Subaru improved more quickly than his peers at athletics, studying. He ran faster than those around him as if it was obvious, was cleverer than kids his age as if that were natural, became the centre of his surroundings as if it was agreed—
<Yup, you definitely are his son.>
That was the appraisal he heard from adults and people in the neighbourhood, endlessly. Knowing that 'he' was his dad, those around him had recognized him as being his father's son. — For a young Subaru, hearing those words was a point of pride.
Even from his son's eyes, his dad—Subaru's father, Natsuki Kenichi—was a character of great allure. Laughed a lot, talked a lot, cried a lot, angered a lot, moved a lot, worked a lot. Never afraid to publicly declare his love for Subaru and Naoko, people who adored his father were always in his vicinity, him constantly standing in the middle of a crowd of people's smiles.
His father was Subaru's greatest pride, and being that the people said father treated most dearly was his family—himself and his mother—inspired in Subaru a sense of superiority so strong as to be the pride of hubris.
—I want to be like my father. I want to be being like my father.
As far as young Subaru was concerned, the size of his father's back was the size of the world itself, the world being something he viewed only from atop his Father's shoulders. And so Subaru spent his days with happiness inside happiness. But,
Subaru: “When did it start... Don't really remember, but I think it when I lost to someone in a footrace. Since then, I stopped being the best at things I was best at. People faster than me started showing up, people who solved problems quicker than me started showing up. I knew I was gradually, but definitely falling, and I thought that was peculiar.”
The glittering stars in the sky inside Subaru's heart had become distant. Reach out his hand, run circles beneath the sky, but the stars shining their light down on Subaru's surroundings were disappearing, and the night darkness and silence which enveloped him, compounding. But even amidst this arcane sense of unease,
<Yup, you definitely are his son.>
Hearing those words was Subaru's salvation, a hope to cling to. Even if he wasn't the fastest, wasn't the smartest, those words where what supported young Subaru's dignity.
Rather than train his running, rather than devote himself to his homework, what he ended up prioritising was doing stupid things.
Sneaking into school with his friends at night, drawing a white line all through the town, chasing a famous and dangerous stray dog out of everyone's hangout spot—doing that would stop everyone from tiring of him, and Subaru protected the stars that yet remained.
Subaru: “Putting effort into study's ridiculous. What's so boastworthy about running fast. What I'm doing, smiling with everyone, is infinitely greater, infinitely stronger.”
For the sake of preserving that mistaken pride, he had to keep running. He did what everyone feared, he challenged what everyone hated, following through to the end so, so carefully, so as not to lose where he was.
Subaru: “But, if I was going to protect myself like that, I always needed to make the next thing bigger. I couldn't do something smaller than what I'd done before. People'd think I was someone small if I did, and that'd be something terrible.”
Thus Subaru's actions had to get steadily more extreme. And if anyone asked why he did such things, he answer was because he was Natsuki Subaru.
—Yes, because that had to be Natsuki Subaru. Natsuki Subaru was braver than anyone, wilder than anyone, freer than anyone, and had to keep being an existence everyone admired.
So he strained himself, continued through the strain, concealed that he was straining, and so that even himself wouldn't notice it, he fooled both himself and the people around him that he could do more, much more.
After all, he was son of Natsuki Kenichi, Natsuki Subaru.
Subaru: “I thought I could do anything. I made myself believe I would do everything. And doing that, the things I did and things I achieved turned stupid, turned into nothing but mindless ruckus...”
Like an insect lured to a flame, unaware of the burn, desiring the heat. Had he truly been a bug, Subaru would've been so enchanted by the fire he would've burned to nothing. But Subaru wasn't an insect, and his friends around him were infinitely more human than him, too.
—Probably, there wasn't any particular trigger for it.
Subaru had a group of similarly brattish-faced friends. Like teeth falling from a comb, their numbers began to decrease.
Subaru: “I thought they were stupid. You'll never get to experience these fun things if you're not with me. They can regret and do whatever, spend their time in uselessness, that's all fine. I'm looking someplace higher.”
If he continued to search for the stars' whereabouts, he would settle everything without losing sight of the stars above his head. But the supposedly-boundless stars which blanketed that sky disappeared, until only one single twinkling light remained, which Subaru stared at, ran toward— and suddenly, when he looked down from the starry sky to the ground,
Subaru: “I was the only one left around me.”
Of course this happened. Subaru, never looking back to what was around him, endlessly pursuing stars invisible to everyone. The friends who thought it fun at first couldn't keep up with the—still no ending point in sight— escalation of inhibition. Unaware of this, and mocking those who left as idiots, those who remained felt anxiety and doubt towards Subaru's thinking.
One by one the friends at Subaru's side disappeared, and before he had even realised, the only one remaining beneath the starry sky was him. Disgruntled and displeased, when he looked up at the sky to forget—
Subaru: “That shining, shimmering star supposed to be over my head, was already nowhere I could find it.”
Having lost sight of the starlight, having lost the friends around him, left all alone in the darkness of night, Subaru finally realised it.
—I was never anyone special.
<Yup, you definitely are his son.>
Those magic words which inspired young Subaru such pride, which brought such vitality to his heart. At some point, they turned into a curse.
Subaru: “You can tell just by going outside and wandering around town. Wherever you go, wherever you look, traces of my dad remain. ...Well, of course they would.”
Subaru's constrained world was surely the exact same scenery he had seen from atop his father's shoulders. For a Subaru who sought to reach the same heights as his father, no matter where he looked in this constrained world, he could find not a single place untouched by his father's lingering scent.
The world consequently transformed into a terrifying place for Subaru. What simultaneously chewed at Subaru's heart was his own unfortunately-recognized banality, and the shame keeping him from wanting his parents, and those who knew his parents, to know about it.
Favoured by everyone, relied upon by everyone, smiled upon by everyone. That the son of Natsuki Kenichi, Natsuki Subaru—worried by people's opinions of him and curled timidly in a little ball—was a tizzied coward terrified at the wideness of the word, was an impermissible thought.
Negative judgements passed on him were a disgrace to the father who asserted his love for Subaru, and surely would bring him disappointment from same father. Nothing was more frightening for Subaru.
For elementary and middle school, Subaru successfully kept to his plans to end the years without standing out. The classmates who had known him back in early primary did tilt their heads at this quietened Subaru—but, being children in a delicate period, they went spending lively days without noticing a single scrap of the darkness harboured in their classmate's heart, and forgot such trivialities. What Subaru got truly skilled at during his entrenchment in that time, most probably, was passing in the shadows when among his classmates, while playing to completion the role of the same mischievous son as ever when among his family.
As submissive as a weed in the shade at highschool, yet recovering his old wildness when back home, was how Subaru acted, as if he were two different people. Tales of his war stories after coming back from school made his mother grin as she did her chores, and brought a smile to his work-tired father's face.
—Perhaps his parents had noticed that every single word from his mouth was bullshit. Even now, Subaru wasn't sure that they knew.
Painting over his elementary and middle school years—the majority of his life—with lies, the human known as Natsuki Subaru crafted a false image. Everyone forgot about the old Subaru's misdeeds, and his existence became recognized as a classmate who didn't stand out and who people knew the name of, but nothing more. Although feeling a tinge of loneliness at that frail connection, what more encompassed Subaru's heart was fear. This name he held of 'Natsuki' itself held a certain power, and awe devoted toward it.
Subaru: “Thinking of it now, that was a pretty dark way to live. But by doing that, I got through primary and middle school. And getting through middle school, I became a highschooler... local high school, but guess there were standard grade score problems. Barely any of my classmates went on to that same high school, so...”
Even though Subaru had acquired a habit of thinking about everything backwards, he still had one fragment of courage left to urge him forward towards this chance at a sudden change in environment. Mustering up that minuscule drop of courage, Subaru gritted his teeth and raised his head.
Entering highschool, a new place. A mass of unknown faces, yet-uncertain relations. There, even if people judged Subaru as Natsuki Subaru, there would surely not be a single person simultaneously judging him as NATSUKI KENICHI'S SON. And there, then maybe—just maybe he would again see the light of the starry sky he had lost.
The way Subaru used that courage definitively brought him stumbling off that path.
Subaru: “Even I have to say that was an incredible failure of a high school début. I mean, of course. When you have someone who didn't establish any real human connections through elementary and middle school, and they're breathing ragged and nasal in a room full of unknown faces, forcing away their tension, and they do something ridiculous... even an idiot would know what would happen.”
He didn't know what an idiot would know would happen, which upon reflection meant Subaru hadn't even been on an idiot's level.
He didn't want to discuss the details. Results are speculation. Regarding human relations, Subaru had no models of behaviour greater than his father, so when he went to build connections with new people in a new environment, his only available reference was his father. —Even the actions which would earn smiles when he was young, now when preformed in a school appropriate for persons welcoming their secondary sexual characteristics and accordant mental changes, were nothing but poison.
Subaru: “Poison's poison. Deadly poison. And it was one of those real conspicuous, red-and-white speckled mushroom 'I AM DEADLY POISON, EAT ME AND YOU DIE' ones, too.”
The foot he lifted to tread into this new environment slipped on the first step, and Subaru plunged into the Abyss. Spending his time with a social position established at some socially dense, incomprehensible, random guy, he suddenly thought it one day.
—Ahh, I don't wanna go to school today.
Subaru: “I think it was a morning where dad and mom were both out of the house with things to do. I was thinking it'd be a pain, and laid there through the time when I usually woke up... and when I did rush to get myself up, shocked that it was already noon, and I went to stand up to get dressed, that was when.”
He noticed that his heart, and body, were terribly calm. When attending class, sitting at his seat beside the window, pretending to sleep and wordlessly letting time pass, fear and anxiety constantly tormented Subaru's heart. All he ever thought about from the second he arrived was how he didn't want to be there, and going back home. Actually no, it was from the moment he woke up that he spent his time thinking only of coming back home from school.
It wasn't that he was being bullied. It wasn't that he was being ignored. It was simply that Subaru had built up a wall from his side. The thought of touching someone's kindness, and winding up embracing hope terrified him. Whenever he thought of possibly seeing the starlight again, unease took him.
One day finished without spending those hours in pure agony. Enchanted by the feelings of liberation and relief, and lethargy, Subaru's feet steadily grew further and further away from school.
Subaru: “Then I'd be skipping three days a week, and then even skipping one of those two days too... it didn't even take two months before I stopped going to school completely.”
He didn't want to talk about what his days were like after that. No longer going to school, Subaru's heart filled with relief. There was liberation at being distanced from school, where he had to pass time in agony, but the more prevalent things filling Subaru's heart were a kind of resignation and affirming acceptance.
No big reason for it, persistently complacent and now a truant, Subaru. Highly doubtful there'd be anyone who'd see that Subaru and think YUP, YOU'RE DEFINITELY HIS SON, and most importantly—if his parents could just be disappointed in seeing that pathetic Subaru, both his mother and father would surely stop LOVING him.
If an unloved son received valuations as being useless, that would be insignificant to them. If a beloved son was deemed as something useless, then that would surely anger them. Sadden them. People seeing them would know their circumstances were pathetic, and they would further look down on them. The thinner the relationship between Subaru and his parents became, the more that concern would disappear and things would surely improve.
And so, Natsuki Subaru—
Subaru: “I don't goddamn love you. I goddamn hate you. You're... not my goddamn son. I wanted you to do that, say that, and throw me away. I wanted to make you give up on me.”
Anticipating the presence of stars which shouldn't exist, a hope still flickering, he looked up at the sky. That pathetic, unmanly human called Subaru—that idiotic being unworthy of being Natsuki Kenichi's son—wanted to be freed.
—Not even Subaru himself had realised that this was what laid in his heart.
Facing and exposing the innards of his heart, putting it into words, Subaru for the first time realised the ugliness of his own heart. How minuscule he was, in his unwillingness to recognize his weaknesses and idiocies, in his averting his eyes, in his attempts to push even this onto someone else, made him feel sick. That Subaru nevertheless would complete things without giving up on himself, without abandoning himself, was because had a support.
???: <Well, I love you, Subaru-kun!>
A dim, flicking blue light now overlapped with the silver face beneath his eyelids. A gentle breeze blew into Subaru's heart, filling his chilled limbs with warmth, restoring him.
???: <Let's start from here. From step one... no, from zero!>
Saying that, she pushed forward a Subaru who was supposed to have ended.
She made a Subaru who could no longer walk and now faced downwards raise his head, took his hand, embraced his chest, kissed his forehead, and gave him courage.
With the silver light enchanting him and conferring him heat, with the blue warmth pushing his back and prompting him to walk forward, a Subaru who was supposed to have ended once again started from zero. Since he could realize that, since he could remember that, since he resolved to start walking again from zero—the past, what came before zero, had to be settled.
Kenichi closes his eyes and goes quiet after hearing Subaru's long monologue. Seeing that, Subaru desperately forces his coming weakness and spinelessness back down his throat.
Given the time to reflect like this, it's exactly because his mental state has changed at least even slightly that Subaru can now recognize the ugliness of his true heart. Both now and before, Subaru pushed the consequences of his own actions onto others to clean up. He didn't have the courage to give up on himself. He didn't want to scream that he was the worst person in the world. He wanted to be the protagonist of a tragedy, so he silently waited for someone to be the villain.
Subaru believed that by not attending school, by spending his days in sloth in his room, by having his imbecilic self continue in this—then, one day Kenichi would break down the door, and end Subaru's world for him. Unconsciously, from the bottom of his heart, Subaru expected that conclusion from his days of sloth. It was in that deadlocked mentality that he came to this parallel world. And even here, Subaru exhibited his complacency, and eventually—
Kenichi: “—Subaru.”
Kenichi opens his eyes. This draws Subaru out of his sea of meditation and back to the reality around him—to his father's face before him. And,
Kenichi: “Father Headbutt!”
Subaru: “Adauuadh!?”
Subaru eats a terrible strike to the forehead, whining as fireworks flash across his vision. He pushes down on the sharp pain on his brow, to find Kenichi standing up off the bench and looking down at him.
Kenichi: “See that, Subaru. That was my love-filled Father Headbutt, a strike of anger.”
Subaru: “You're calling it a headbutt but that was a kick! Getting your face close as a feint, this's crazy elaborate!”
Kenichi: “It's cause you're sitting and I'm standing that I pulled it off. But man, my body really has gotten stiffer. Absolutely can't get like before. Been slacking on my after-bath stretches.”
And so Kenichi starts doing some callisthenics. Subaru rubs his stricken head, half in tears, unsure how to react to this expectedly unexpected reaction. What Subaru'd anticipated was— Kenichi: “But, Subaru. You're, man... you're kinda an idiot.”
Subaru: “Uuueguh” Kenichi's point-blank words split Subaru in two, a sobbing-sounding noise coming out of his throat. Kenichi crosses his arms and snorts.
Kenichi: “You're damn worrying like nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh... Where from me and Mom did you manage to get that timorous thinking? You're inheriting that straight from your Mom's little brother. You know, the tiny bald fat one, the one who always looks so worried.”
Subaru: “That's going too far.. no but I mean yes, uncle is the reason I decided on not going bald or getting fat as benchmarks for my life.” Kenichi: “Lotsa things you just said're getting at me, but the biggest one's that. Ain't fond of you thinking you're trying to get me to hate you, and then being so passive about it. Holing up in your room, never going to school, turning into an Apathy Syndrome patient... and thinking that doing that your dad's gonna flip out and scold you's absolutely nnrrrrrooop. ...Are you an idiot? You wanna get told off? You a girl with the wrong idea who didn't get enough skinship? All that wrestling we did this morning, and that's really still not enough for you?”
Subaru: “The phrasing you used in lots of places there's so wrong but the point of it's right so I can't actually refute it...” Kenichi: “If you want me to throw you away, put more effort into it. Just who do you think could throw away their own kid closed up in their shell? You wanna be hated, then go slaughter half of humanity for no real reason. Then I'll hate you.”
Subaru: “You don't even get villains like that in shonen manga anymore! That's ridiculous!” Kenichi: “—For me, what you said is just as ridiculous as that.” Subaru goes speechless. Kenichi bends down to match Subaru's eye level. Kenichi: “Even if you're slow as a snail, or too dumb for times tables, or go bragging on some self- harm blog for attention...” Subaru: “I'm not that slow or dumb or idiotic...” Kenichi: “Even if you were that slow or dumb or idiotic, I wouldn't hate or abandon you. Isn't that obvious? After all, I'm your father, and you're my son.” Kenichi straightens back up. Kenichi: “Anyway, you sure do treat me like some superman. From what you were saying, I'm like some high-tech mega-giga perfect-flawless super-ultraman.” Subaru: “Redundancy.” Kenichi: “You don't know this, but my worrying, regretting, failing, crying, wailing, getting rejected... doesn't happen very much. Cause my face's good. You didn't get my looks though.” Subaru: “Presumption.” Kenichi: “I was inexperienced too, when I was your age. I mean yes my name did get pretty big, but that didn't mean I was anyone special. Just that I was a bit of a time-stopper.” Subaru: “Then you should've stopped time last year when you got hit by that car.” Ba-dum tssh.
Kenichi offers his hand out for a high-five, which Subaru has to reciprocate. And Kenichi grabs
Subaru's arm tight. Kenichi: “Now, I suppose it's fine to keep twisting my stupid idiot pain-in-the-ass son's wrist to knock that personality out of him, but...”
Subaru: “Ow! Aaaugow! Wai, my wrists's.... Owww!”
Kenichi: “...looks like you've already been broken and gotten back up enough that this'sn't necessary.” Kenichi releases Subaru's arm. Subaru stands up while shaking his pained hand, Kenichi staring at him with one eye closed. Kenichi gives a small snort.
Kenichi: “Thought it this morning too, but you suddenly changed a lot from just a moment ago again. What's going on with that face.” Subaru: “...I told you. I've got somebody I, like.” That silver light pulled Natsuki Subaru's hand ahead. Subaru: “And, there's someone who told me that they, liked, ones like me.” That warm, blue light gently pushed Natsuki Subaru's back forward. Subaru: “They don't know anything about me being Natsuki Kenichi's son. When I'm with them,
I'm just Natsuki Subaru. ...No.” Subaru shakes his head, and looks his father straight in the eye. Subaru: “No matter who I was with, I was Natsuki Subaru. Burdening myself and bothering myself with some weird outer show, and crushed beneath an imaginary weight. I finally understand that now.”
Kenichi: “Took you damn ages. Y'know, I'm the backbone of a family, here. You haven't got an inheritance and you're off burdening yourself and bothering yourself before you're even a member of society. The bills'll slap you hard.”
Subaru: “You only just did something more painful to me than a slap!”
Kenichi: “Sorry sorry”
Kenichi: “Anyway,”
Kenichi: “What's this about you saying you have somebody you like, and somebody who says they like you? You're two-timing them? With your social position, Subaru?”
Subaru: “Don't talk about my social position! Even I know it's way too much luxury! But that's what it is! What's so wrong about having two stars in number one!?”
Not that he was trying to get the conversation sobered up, but they were Subaru's sincere feelings. He loved Emilia. He also loved Rem. Those two made him stand, made him walk, and even though before Kenichi, even though facing his past, they gave him the strength not to flee.
The sky of stars which once covered the whole of the heavens above—and the glittering starlight he saw then. The two of them beamed down upon Subaru's head with their light, strong, in no way inferior to the old others. And surrounding those Number One stars shone the glow of those supposedly-disappeared, different stars.
This was the sky of stars he had gained in a world outside his shut-in room, where he frantically suffered, sorrowed, cried and wailed, screamed and raged, smiled and ran, rejoiced and advanced.
Kenichi: “Well, 's all fine. Do what you want. So long as you sort it out without breaking the law, I ain't really gonna object. Like me, you've got some talent to you when it comes to duping others.”
Subaru: “If I really did then I wouldn'tve messed up my high school début slipped out of place worrying and been friendless. I can't pull it off like you can, dad.”
Kenichi: “You know I really think that's not the case? I mean, you're my son. And also, I think you're misunderstanding lotsa things, but that's the worst one right there.”
Subaru: “Right there?”
Arms crossed and wagging a finger, Kenichi nods at Subaru, who's tilted his head.
Kenichi: “Yeah,”
Kenichi: “I'm this fulla energy when I'm with you or Mom, but yknow your dad does know proper TPO? Maybe you don't know this since this's what I'm always like when I'm with you, but if your dad does these things with everyone they're gonna recoil, oi.”
Subaru: “Wait, wait, wait...”
Kenichi: “Isn't it obvious? See someone this high-energy on the first meeting and you're not gonna approach. This stuff's off limits until we're already friendly. Since I wait 'till it's a little hotter to unbutton. I endure from an April start to a June end.”
The shocking truth. Turns out, Subaru's dad was a sensible guy who properly adapts his behaviour to who he's talking to all along. Ignorant of this, referencing off his regular dad, If I act like my dad everyone will definitely absolutely no mistake like me! Was Subaru's shallowness.
Subaru: “Then what even was all that time I spent stagnant...”
Kenichi: “Eh, well I don't think it was useless. It's because you had that, that you are who you are now. Do those stars you found really not make up for that time?” Subaru raises his head. The reply comes to him instantly. Subaru: “—Yes, they do. No matter how many chances I have, I'm going to keep wanting and running for the sky of stars I have now. So, I'm glad I am who I am now.” Kenichi: “Right. ...Well so, wasn't it all good then?” Kenichi smiles in relief. Seeing that smile, something hard, heavy and swollen inside Subaru's chest drops. He senses the darkness he harboured clearing, his melancholy being cleansed. It was a pretty selfish and complacent feeling, but for Subaru, having it right now was a lifesaver.
He got to face his past, separate from the person he had been until them, and while still holding who he had been until then, walk forward with pride as who he was now. Subaru: “I'm sorry, for keeping quiet on so much. I was full of feelings I couldn't even sort out myself, and caused problems for you with my truancy. I truly do regret it. Truly.”
Kenichi: “I'm saying dunworry. It's my mistake for not noticing you were so into that too-super me. I'm who should be sorry, for being too big of a presence for you!” Subaru: “It's completely true but it's amazing how little I wanna accept it now!” Kenichi: “Ha ha ha, don't be shy. You're my son with my blood in you. Definitely, you're an amazing genius who has it in you to be half as cool as I am.” Subaru: “Just half? Genius's something that gets more refined with each generation.” Kenichi: “Cause half of you's from Mom. Considering my coolness and negotiation skills, feels like the counterbalancing negatives from Naoko're way too strong.” Subaru: “I'm sorry mom, I have no counter to that!”
Kenichi: “But, this took some of the load off your shoulders. Nothing to do 'bout your getting stuck, everything's from here on out, here on.”
Subaru: “Ah, yeah. Umm, I caused so much trouble for you and I'm..” Kenichi: “If you're thinking 'sorry', then just take the time to properly pay me back. You look after me and Mom well in the future, first-born son.”
—Hearing that, Subaru goes still. He had the resolve to apologize for the whole of the conversation until then, and the determination to confess to Kenichi his feelings. In doing so, Subaru thought he would finally melt the malaise he had held for so long, and get to face his mother and father with cheer. Subaru: “—guueh,” Thus, the second he heard the words 'from here on out,' what surged up though Subaru's entire being was—
Subaru: “...I—I'm so sorry.” Kenichi: “Subaru?” Subaru: “I'm sor—sorr, so, sorry—I, sorry, s-sorry—soh, ree... hk,” A torrent of tears blots out Subaru's vision, turning the world blurry. He covers his face with his hands and frantically wipes at the flowing tears. But no matter how hard he does, the tears don't stop. They don't stop. They won't stop.
Subaru: “I'mso, sorry... I—I... you two, any more... so—I'm so, sorry...” —He realised it. Somewhere within his heart, he had realised it long ago.
From the instant that he narrowed his eyes at the brilliance of the new world's sunlight, Subaru knew it as if it were writ. —He would never be able to return to the old world.
He had conveyed his deepest of hearts to his father, confessed the dark feelings lodged in his chest, nevertheless gained forgiveness, and received support for his resolve to start walking—and had been raised well enough to be capable of it all.
Subaru: “But despite that, I... without, repaying anything... I'll never, see, you again... I'm sorry. Sor
—sorry. ...I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.” The tears don't stop. The emotion's so intense he might fall into a squat at any moment. But even so, Subaru remains standing upright—and what's keeping him from collapsing is the body holding him in an embrace.
With his large, firm hands, about the exact same height at his son, Kenichi holds a bawling Subaru tight and soothingly taps him on the back, saying, Kenichi: “—You always were such a difficult son. I swear.” Soothingly, lovingly, Kenichi maintains the embrace indefinitely.
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Kenichi: “Calmed down?” Subaru: “—Yeah. Sorry. I really, just cause so many problems.” Kenichi: “Seriously. Just look at my shirt. Chest bit's gotten all flaky with snot and tears. So embarrassing I can't go prowling round the neighbourhood right.” Subaru's stopped crying. Kenichi bounces his finger off Subaru's forehead and laughs. Subaru watches Kenichi, his own face thoroughly cried-out, his gaze sorrowful and apologetic. Kenichi sighs. Kenichi: “Don't know why you started bawling, but I bet that was embarrassing so I'll keep it secret for you. Now, express to me your gratefulness.”
Subaru: “...Yeah. I am grateful. I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, more than anyone in the world, am grateful.” Kenichi: “Even I'm gonna blush hearing that one.” Kenichi scratches his cheek and smiles embarrassedly. Subaru can't keep looking at Kenichi's face there for long, and winds up averting his gaze. Kenichi shrugs and waves his hands as if flicking a bug away. Kenichi: “Now, home and home you go, blubberbug. Your dad feels like strolling a little longer, so I'll take a bit of a detour back. Some weird rumours're gonna start circling if I go walking around with a crying you.”
Subaru: “...What a parent and child our age were up to together'd be a story in itself.” Kenichi: “Seriously. We go home together now, and your friends's rumours'll embarrass you hard.” Subaru: “That line can be fatal depending who you're saying it to so be careful how you use it.” Unintentionally entering straight-man mode, a lash of homesickness spears Subaru's heart. Subaru grits his teeth to stifle the feeling dead and turns his face away.
Subaru: “So,” Subaru: “I'll be going home ahead. Try not to get interrogated or whatever.” Kenichi: “Sorry to crush your expectations, but all the policemen 'round here are my buddies.
They're not gonna give me anything even if I prompt them.” Subaru: “Don't prompt them.” Same Kenichi as ever. Subaru again feels Kenichi's attitude save him, and feels thoroughly sick of his same old weakness as ever. Just how far was he going to go feeling satisfied with relying on others to protect him? Hopeless. And further, he didn't want to expose his weakness before Kenichi. Subaru gives a sharp sigh, turns around, and starts walking. Quickly, to soon disappear from this scene.
Kenichi: “—Hey, Subaru.” Subaru's feet stop. Kenichi: “I'm sure you've got a lotta stuff too. So I'll keep it down to just one thing.” Subaru says nothing. Kenichi: “Do your best. I'm expecting things from you, son.” Subaru feared others having expectations for him, others being disappointed in him.
The unease of possibly betraying his father's expectations constantly gripped Subaru and never let him go. Which was why, in the face of his father's expectations, a symbol of terror for Subaru— Subaru: “—Yeah. Leave it to me, dad.”
His back still turned to Kenichi, he jabs his finger to the heavens. Subaru: “My name is Natsuki Subaru. Son of Natsuki Kenichi. —So I can do anything, and will do everything. Your son's damn amazing.”
Kenichi: “Yup, I know that. After all, half of you's from me!” Kenichi's hearty laugh pours over Subaru's back. A smile rises on Subaru's face. Back still turned, Subaru starts walking.
His knees shake not. His heart wavers not. He simply looks firmly ahead, and walks. —With the owner of the back he had always stared up at now staring at his back, he walks. And see how much power that fact alone gave him, thinks Subaru.
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