CHAPTER 26: PACKING OF SHIT
—He shouldn't have asked.
Sweat trailing down his forehead to drip off his chin, Subaru is once again made to realise his idiocy. The ringing in his skull sounds from far off, his heartbeat hammering with pain.
Roswaal: “You regret asking... doooo you?”
Roswaal tilts his head as he looks at the silent Subaru. Subaru can't reply immediately, taking quiet breaths to calm himself down,
Subaru: “Just, a bit surprised. How to say... Emilia's a little older than me than I thought.”
Roswaal: “Ahya, you didn't know? Half-elf Emilia-sama, albeit not as long as elves, does belong to a long-lived race. With elves, they even go so far as to say that they don't die unleeeeeeeess they are killed.”
Roswaal goes along with Subaru's distracting himself. It seems these elves aren't so distant from your usual fantasy elf. Not clear how much the 'half' part plays in, but at least if you believe what Roswaal's saying then Emilia's true age—
Subaru: “A 60-year difference at minimum... I like older sister characters, but even I'm not that experienced with the patten of having an age gap on such a target.”
Roswaal: “Although not particularly relevant... from how you're speaking, have you perhaps encountered members of long-lived races apart from Emilia-sama beeeeeeefore?”
Subaru: “Well, immortals and vampires and whatever're staple patterns in galge. You've even got a category for loligrannies like Lewes-san, truly scandalous.”
Subaru's not too into loligrannies or nonhumans. Subaru's targets are more older sisters and high school upperclassmen. So of course he has some 'what's about a sixty-year age gap, but,
Subaru: “Everything's permissible when they're that cute. No problemo. Changes nothing about Emilia-tan being my #1 star.”
But now exists the possibility that long-lived races are slow to mature to adulthood, and need a different amount of time before they mature than humans. Like how animals and humans have differing age rates, perhaps a 20-year old human is equivalent to a 100-year old elf—
Subaru: “Thinking like that, 90-year-old Emilia-tan's still a young'un. Merely a lass... no, maybe from an elf's perspective she's still a little girl. Oioi, there's this cutesexy hot lady and she's still a little girl... there's probably already a genre for this somewhere.”
Roswaal: sorry for this while your delusions are chugging along but, “Reality is faaaaaaaaar harsher than you think. They mature at the same rate as humans. It surely wouldn't be common for there to be mentally immature elves, yeeeeees?”
Subaru: “And just when I was frantically setting up rebuttals to counter how Emilia-tan's kept treating me like a child...”
It was just some wishful thinking, but still having it so smoothly cut down sucks. Roswaal speaks up. Roswaal: “I'm nooooot particularly fond of you attempting to end matters by aaaaaaaaverting your eyes to your aaaaaaaactual emotions. Noooooooow, Subaru-kun.”
Subaru goes quiet. Roswaal: “Do you reeeeeeegret that you asked me, and think you shouldn't have?” Subaru: “...You really are unpleasant.” It seemed Subaru had almost managed to swallow down his emotions with bullshitting, when
Roswaal just digs them back up. Subaru again curses himself. For his duplicity, in hearing about the cross Emilia's dainty shoulders bore not from her mouth, but another's. Subaru: “...The TRIAL showed me my past. I'm sure it showed Emilia the same. Which means the past she saw was...”
Roswaal: “If it faces you with the past you least wish to see... then what Emilia-sama saw was almost unmistakably, the daaaaaaay of Elior Forest's freezing.” Roswaal affirms Subaru's concerns, informing Subaru of just what exactly he had been forcing on Emilia.
Subaru: “Then, could I really face a past where I froze a bunch of people solid...” The scale of the errs left in Subaru and Emilia's pasts were different.
Though of course, the thing with his parents was a huge problem for him that had ought to get settled. He had no intention to look down on that, and likely would permit no looking down on it. But then, what about Emilia's problem?
Would Emilia be forgiven for her error and given approval, as Subaru's parents given him? And could she accept that, and part with her past? Subaru: “Is it certain that Emilia froze the forest... that she the froze the elf village?” something something something there isn't some mistake?
Roswaal: “It is certainly true that the facts are uuuuuuunknown. Hooooowever, Emilia-sama has told me of these details from her very own mouth. Emilia-sama herself has confessed that she was the one to freeze the forest. What room is there for interceding statements?”
Subaru: “Then if we don't know what's really true, it could be a misunderstanding... and anyway, Emilia's not the kind of girl who could...” Roswaal: “Wroooooong, you don't understaaaaaaaand, you muuuuuuuustn't, Subaru-kun.”
Subaru's gaze is sharp and dangerous, but Roswaal waves his hand, feigning ignorance. Roswaal: “By this point, the actual truth iiiiiiiiisn't the problem. The problem is that Emilia-sama is certain that SHE WAS THE ONE WHO FROZE THE FOREST.”
Subaru goes quiet.
Roswaal: “Inside Emilia-sama, that is the truth. And inside the tomb, she tumbles into a past originating from that truth. —Noooooow, what do you think should be done?”
Subaru: “You... what the hell are you thinking?”
Roswaal questions Subaru happily, Subaru unconsciously lets slip with that one. Why, how, could Roswaal smile in this situation?
Subaru: “This isn't about demanding you be compassionate toward Emilia's past, or that you try empathizing with her... Knowing the weight of her burden, knowing that it's painful, and while making her face a TRIAL we don't know if she can overcome, how can you be so cheerful?”
Roswaal: “Hmmmmmmhm.”
Subaru: “It's strange, right!? You... don't you want Emilia to be Ruler? Isn't your position one of helping her be the Ruler? I understand what you're aiming for. If Emilia overcomes the TRIAL and frees SANCTUARY, the people of SANCTUARY and the villagers from Arlam might back her. ...I understand that.”
But,
Subaru: “In making that happen, you're not taking the vital point of Emilia into consideration. When it's a gamble that needs SANCTUARY's release to pay off... when things are coming to a standstill, how can you be so damn relaxed!”
Roswaal says nothing.
Subaru: “Emilia says she has to be the Ruler. I want to make that happen for her. ...Do you actually, have any urge to make her Ruler?”
Roswaal: “—Of course I do.”
Subaru raises his voice, shoulders quaking. His face runs hot with furious emotion, which Roswaal's response feels to douse in icewater. Roswaal glares Subaru straight in the eye.
Roswaal: “Do I have urge to make her the Ruler? Absolutely. Decidedly. —There is surely no existence which yearns more for Emilia-sama to be Ruler than I. Emilia-sama of course does, there is no need even considering it with your breed, and I do have a reason.”
Subaru: “Rohz, wahl?”
Roswaal: “And then asking me whether I'm determined. It makes me laugh. Makes me laugh, incredible. —You haven't even gotten that far yet?”
It's the first time Subaru's heard quiet rage in Roswaal's tone. But the heat of it fades halfway through, the final whisper being nothing but a smoulder.
Roswaal: “Subaru-kun. Uuuuuuunfortunately, this will be all for tonight. I'm stiiiiiiiil recovering from iiiiiiinjury, after all. I'd like to have some time in peace and quieeeeeeeeet.”
Subaru: “Ser... no, nevermind.”
Subaru reaches out to stop Roswaal, senses that it's pointless, and withdraws his arm. Roswaal's obviously going to deny any further meaningful talk. And if Roswaal's serious about rejecting everything, Subaru has no methods to make him speak.
Subaru turns his back to the bed, although feeling some reluctance. He communicated what he ought to communicate. It wasn't clear how the Arlam villagers would be dealt with, but at least Lewes would probably accept Roswaal's proposition. If they could overcome that, it would definitely be moving forward. Though, this was merely one of the many goals Subaru had to achieve.
Roswaal: “—Subaru-kun.”
Subaru's feet stop and he looks back, to find Roswaal, head rested on the pillow, still looking at him.
Roswaal: “You did get the qualifications?”
Subaru: “Ah. Right, I didn't tell you. Yeah. I can take the TRIAL too. If getting that baptism is the condition for it, then perhaps you could...”
Roswaal: “—No, liiiiiiiiiiiikely not. It's doubtful that tomb will accept me. You can clearly tell, with how I've been wounded in rejection.”
Subaru's brows raise faintly in surprise. In the last loop when Roswaal learned Subaru was qualified, it had put him in incredibly low spirits. But right now, it's something like loneliness that surrounds him.
Roswaal: “...Choose the optimum, Subaru-kun.”
Subaru: “What?”
Roswaal: “You are the one most free to move in this place. You aren't bound to SANCTUARY. Neither are you tied to obligations toward the Royal Selection.”
Subaru goes silent.
Roswaal: “Act, struggle for your desire, and acquire it. If by deliberating and agonizing, perplexing and faltering, you procure that... even if you're not satisfied with it, even if you can't agree with it, I'm sure you'll be able to see the conclusion.”
Says Roswaal, his face not visible. It's not like him. All Subaru can do is stand there, dumbly and dumbstruck. A short time passes before Subaru realises he just got encouraged out of the blue.
Subaru: “Wha... this's nothing like you. What's with this, Roz-chi.”
Roswaal: “I felt like doing something not like me, iiiiiiiiiis all this would be. —Since it appears I won't be making it in time, mmmmhm?”
Subaru doesn't get it. But before he can question Roswaal back, Roswaal waves his hand, urging Subaru to leave the room. Subaru sees it, and Roswaal rolls over in the bed, shifting his attention away from Subaru. Subaru gives a long sigh through his nose. Subaru: “Good night.” And leaves the room.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Ram: “...You wouldn't have burdened Roswaal-sama, correct?”
Asks Ram the second Subaru exits the room. Ram's supposed to be half a head shorter than Subaru, but when it comes to Roswaal-related stuff, the pressure she exerts makes her seem twice as big. Subaru: “It was just an extremely calm conversation. Didn't grab him by the lapels and wrestle him, so don't you worry.”
Ram: How optimistic. “After stepping inside and being rejected by the tomb, Roswaal-sama was in terrible condition... it is because you are ignorant to that, that you can speak this way.” Ram doesn't conceal her discomfort. Subaru smiles wryly at her blatant priorities. Subaru: “He's sleeping or I guess I just got driven out. ...Though, I said the things I needed to say, so I don't think that's a problem.”
Ram: “I see. ...At very least, I believe that should the demand come from Roswaal-sama's mouth, Lewes-sama will accept it. Garf would... I'm not certain yet how he would respond.” Subaru: “If he starts complaining anyway, you try a round of seducing him. If you come up with just a bit of flirtiness and cutely coax him... is it possible for you?” Ram: “Do you mean to say I am not cute?” Subaru: “Nope, if we just take your looks I'd say you're super crazy cute.” She looks exactly like Rem except for the hair colour, after all. It's not that she isn't cute. The problem's her refreshing personality which more than sufficiently counterbalances that cuteness.
Subaru: “He's interacted with you, but man does Garfiel go for some nasty food. Or no, just going by looks you can't tell... a lady like a blowfish, you ar—owowow!” Ram: “I can tell that was not a compliment, so this is how I'll react, Barusu.” Ram drives her heel into Subaru's foot with as much force as she can, snorting as Subaru tears up.
Ram then goes to stand before Roswaal's sleeping room.
Ram: “I will change Roswaal-sama's bandages, and afterwards rest. You will be sleeping in the same cathedral as yesterday. Even you would be able to remember the location, yes, Barusu?” Subaru: “My sense of direction's surprisingly solid. And it's the biggest building. I'm not gonna miss it. Kinda a pain there's no lights though.”
SANCTUARY relies on starlight. But tonight the sky is cloudy. Subaru glances outside the building to see faint spots of light from the houses, and pitch darkness everywhere else. There is some unease to be had about getting back.
Subaru: “Me getting lost and wandering into the forest, bumping into an encounter with a wild animal and getting a bad end—probably won't be happening. All good all good.” Ram: “I feel that your statement just increased the likelihood of an unlikely possibility but, fine. Barusu, after leaving the building the cathedral is to your right and straight ahead.”
Subaru: “I goooot it. The side you hold your chopsticks in. That custom, doesn't exist in this world though.” This place's food customs are knife-fork-spoon, so Ram doesn't seem to understand what Subaru just said. Subaru considers, one day, if there's a chance, whittling down some wood and mass producing chopsticks.
Subaru: “Anyway going back to the cathedral... It's not certain whether they'll be able to return to the village, and giving them false hopes'd be something so better not talk about the releasing thing, yeah?”
Ram: “I would say there is no concern there. The conversation will be tomorrow... and although fast it may turn out being the day after tomorrow. Echidna's tomb and how to face it is what I recommend you consider over that time.”
Subaru stops in his exit of the building. Ram's expression is dubious, and becomes even more confused when Subaru turns back to look at her. Subaru: “...What did you just say?” His voice is hoarse. Ram's confusion eases not as she trawls through her memories. Ram: “Tomb and how to face it is what I recommend you consider.” Subaru: “No. A little before that.” Ram: “Do you mean to say I am not cute?”
Subaru: “Wow that went back! ...you said, Echidna's tomb, right?” Ram nods reluctantly, Subaru puts his hand to his forehead—a torrent of revived memories rush through Subaru's thoughts.
Echidna.
The name of the Witch of Greed. A white-haired girl in what looked like a mourning dress. Self-proclaimed thirst for knowledge incarnate. Precious parallel world bokukko.1 And, Subaru: “What was she doing... goddamn putting blocks on people's memories...”
A girl who uses the pronoun 'boku'. Echidna is one except when she isn't.
Perhaps to ensure Subaru wouldn't tell others about herself, she was the being who had messed around with Subaru's memories. When the tea party ended, and when they parted at the end of the TRIAL, she forced a pledge onto Subaru. Though, with the compensation for that being qualifications to challenge the TRIAL, Subaru had intended to just be content accepting that.
Subaru: “Call it imperfect or half-assed... either way, the ban's lifted!”
The restrictions Echidna was supposed to have placed on Subaru had lifted, and his memories were unbound. He remembers meeting the witches at the tea party, facing schoolgirl uniform Echidna, all in a hodgepodge. And remembering it, Subaru hits upon one possibility of breaking the deadlock in SANCTUARY. It was essentially a forbidden technique, but,
Subaru: “If the cathedral's toward where you hold your chopsticks, the cemetery's toward where you hold your bowl!”
Ram: “Barusu?”
Subaru: “Gonna be staying up a little late tonight! Don't you make that convalescing guy do anything that'd wear him out too much!”
Subaru raises his arm at Ram's call and bounds out of the building, running into the night. His path heads not to the cathedral, but toward the tomb he had only just exited two hours ago. Speaking temporally, it was unlikely that Subaru'd get to confirm his idea right now. Unlikely, but he couldn't just sit still. If nighttime was no good then he at least wanted the result of knowing it was no good.
Subaru: “After I took the first TRIAL, a goddamn ton of things that're bugging me came up. Invite me to you tea party again, witch... no, Echidna!”
Relying on the meagre natural lighting, Subaru runs off the path and through SANCTUARY. Cold wind, wet earth, sweaty brow, ragged breath—feeling everything, Subaru pushes his yet-tired body onward, onward. And, finally reaching his destination,
???: “Hey. ...Thought yer'd be comin.”
Blocking Subaru's path is a blond young man—Garfiel, watching over the cemetery.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Garfiel: “Good on yer, goin' runnin' this late 'n the night. Men're born with th' duty t'work t'get strong. 'S WINBROOK QUALIFIES THE WARRIOR.”
Standing in the road with his arms spread wide, Garfiel bears his bestial fangs as checks Subaru. Goosebumps rise across Subaru's skin.
Subaru: “Ah, sorry but I'm not doing anything so passionate as running. I got no intention to chat with you right here right now. It's not like there's a time limit, but gotta strike while the iron's hot and so...”
Garfiel: “Y'dun gettit, oi.”
A sharp crack—the noise of Garfiel stomping the ground once, faster than the eye can see, rupturing the earth. Dirt scatters through the air as Subaru watches a gash gouge through the firm ground beneath his feet, his eyes wide. Garfiel clicks his fangs.
Garfiel: “'M sayin' that 'f yer pull back right here right now, I'll put this'n down as you doin' just some late-night runnin'.” Subaru: “Now that's two people in this short timespan that've been treating me like I'm some stranger... just what topics am I getting left out of?”
Garfiel: who knows. “But, 'S least no doubt yer ain't been payin' 'ttention t' yerserlf or th' people
'round you.” Subaru tries to loosen the mood, but Garfiel's eyes keep their hostile blaze. Garfiel traces his finger over the white scar on his forehead.
Garfiel: “All th's forward 'f here's the tomb. Sure ya don't wanna come out this far t' take'a piss, yeh?” Subaru: “Wanna come along and piss together? Man, pissing on a witch's grave. I can tell just thinking of it's something that'd get you some crazy revenge.”
Though, Subaru has a feeling that the Echidna he knows would find that amusing rather than enraging. Either way, still keeping his guard up toward Subaru, Garfiel seems to want to keep talking.
Garfiel: “Yer ain't tryin' t' challenge another TRIAL the same night ya already passed one, are ya? 'S bein' straight greedy, that.” Subaru: “I'm not thinking of anything that wild. Just kinda planning out a different approach.” Garfiel: “Yer plottin'.”
Subaru: “I'm plotting.” Call it backhanded, a forbidden method, a mysterious data disc or whatever you want. He'll swallow anything down to the bone, clinging to whatever chance of light in this darkness.
Subaru: “So get outta the way, Garfiel. I'm going in the tomb. I might just come up with an amazing masterplan to do something about everyth...”
Garfiel: “Real sorry, abs'lutely not. Yer are, absolutely, not gettin' in this tomb.” Garfiel isn't bending. Subaru goes past confusion and starts feeling anger. Why, for what reason, was it this guy of all people who was blocking Subaru's path?
Subaru: “You were supposed to have thought that. And so that's what you were like to me. And then still.” Garfiel: “Yer sayin' things that ain't makin' sense. My amazin' self don't ever bend on my decisions. You ain't getting' through. Even unrelated t' SANCTUARY.”
Subaru: “You're even fucking saying that... just what the hell about me is pissing you off?!” Garfiel's attitude is clearly different from the first day and the previous loop. Subaru raises his voice, seeking the reason behind this over-absurd difference in Garfiel's reaction. Garfiel scrunches up his nose, his face resembling that of a beast. Garfiel: “—Yer stink.” Subaru: “—auh?” Subaru replies, unconsciously, with a groan.
Garfiel's hand goes to his nose.
Garfiel: “Ever since yer came outta the tomb, yer body's been fuckin' stinkin' with witch's miasma. —Yer sayin' I trust yer witch-smellin' ass n' a half-witch? Who fucking could!” Garfiel raises his arms, bares his fangs, his rage in full display. Garfiel: “This is SANCTUARY! The Witch of Greed's test site! Where mishmashes and half-dones gather, their destinations gone, a packing of futureless shit!!”
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